Sabrina The Teenage Witch s07e06 Episode Script

I think we got some great shots here.
You look pretty cute in this one.
Oh, no.
"Cute" is exactly what I'm not going for.
This is for my byline picture.
This photo has to make me look super-hip.
Digital cameras are high-tech, but they're not magic.
Magic? You mean like this? Hey.
I'm just trying to help.
Maybe there's something you could do to look more, you know, writerly.
Like what? Smoke a pipe and grow a beard? I am telling you, he couldn't keep his eyes off of me.
Fine, whatever.
Oh, well, good morning.
Look who's finally home from the concert last night.
So who you fighting about? The, uh, guy selling glowsticks, or the guy saying: "Please exit to the right.
" The drummer, Clive Rexford.
He looked directly at me and said, "I want you.
I need you.
" Those are the words to the song.
So, what does Mr.
Morgan Cavanaugh look like? Yeah, is he hot? What? I was just trying to fit in.
He's gorgeous.
I think.
We were in the really cheap seats, so he looked like an ant, only with long hair and this gothic makeup.
Huh.
Sort of like, "Honey, I shrunk Marilyn Manson"? You know what? I am gonna go send him an e-mail.
Just watch, in five minutes she'll ask for an English-to-British dictionary.
- Come on, we gotta pick a photo.
- Ooh, too dorky.
Uh, how about this one? Too Björk-y.
- This? - Ooh, too Mickey Rourke-y.
Forget it.
I'll just use the picture that traffic light took of me.
Morning, guys.
What's the chat? - Uh, just the usual guy talk.
- Yeah, right now we're talking about what we're looking for in a serious relationship.
- Really? - Really.
I'm looking for a woman with depth, a woman of substance.
I'm looking for a woman who just wants to cuddle.
And I'm looking for an explanation for this bizarre behavior.
Hey, what's with them? Oh, I, uh, set up webcams around the office.
I'm gonna edit the footage down and put a "Behind the Scenes at Scorch " feature on the website.
- My idea.
- I see.
Let the folks at home in on all the exciting typing and photocopying that goes on around here? I got lots of killer stuff already.
I got 20 minutes of Cole flexing.
Not that I'm into that.
Hey, lick your lips a little bit.
You'll look better on camera.
There's a camera on my desk too? Yours, mine, everybody's.
And I would get that mole on your neck looked at.
That's a beauty mark.
I can't work like this.
Annie, I'm launching an official complaint.
It's these webcams that Leonard put on everyone's desk.
I don't want the whole world watching my every move.
Don't worry.
Leonard promised to cut out all the boring stuff.
- I think you're safe.
- How am I supposed to do my work if I'm worried about how I look? If you're not satisfied with your appearance, change it.
If you're not gonna do something, then I'm gonna protest.
Scorch magazine has no right to broadcast my image without my consent.
And this woman Humph.
- Is violating my privacy.
You're shouting into my lip gloss.
Oh.
Very Berry.
It's nice.
Hello? Anyway, you would not believe how everyone around the office has been playing to these webcams.
I, for one, am not gonna change myself for a bunch of stupid cameras.
You know, I'm a writer, not a model.
Excuse me? Oh, my fault, the waiter outfit fooled me.
Our society has such unreasonable standards for female beauty.
You're just saying that because you're short.
I'm petite.
And I happen to be very comfortable with it.
Excuse me, I have to go to the restroom.
Hey, excuse me.
Hi.
Uh, would it help if I were drowning? Oh, I got a text message.
It's from Clive, that cute drummer.
He's asking me out.
Someone you've never met before just e-mailed you for a date? I know.
I don't like this whole high-tech-dating thing either.
I mean, call me old-fashioned, but what happened to romance? What happened to courtship? What happened to pitching woo? Ooh, I think he was traded to the Yankees.
Hey, Sabrina, Morgan.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, this is Tina.
Word of warning, the service here is really slow.
I'm sorry, miss.
Uh, would you like a table? A menu? Just a cup of coffee to go.
Uh, can I get a glass of water? I'll grind the beans myself.
Or anything heavy to throw at you.
Is, uh, Tina your girlfriend? Um, no, we're just hanging out.
Oh, yeah, you said you were looking for a woman of substance.
I guess that substance is saline.
Do you have a problem with my date? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm sure you find her very easy on the eyes.
Even easier on the brain.
Meow.
Where's that waiter with your saucer of milk? I'm all set.
Nice to meet you.
Usually.
Can you believe that guy? That was a guy? Wow, very convincing.
Weirdest thing.
I asked that drummer, Clive, to be on my radio show, and he just called back and asked me out.
I'm really sorry, Morgan.
Looks like destiny has spoken.
Well, guess what? Clive asked me out too.
Looks like destiny has call waiting.
- What? - Yeah, and he called me first so Well, you know what? I'm afraid you're Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Jan, Marcia, time out.
Why don't you guys both go out with the cute boy and see who he likes better? Well, okay.
But I'm Marcia.
Hey, hey.
You know what? I have been trying to get your attention for 20 minutes.
I'm sorry.
Uh Here.
Pay the cashier.
Well, just for that, I am not gonna have a nice day.
A story.
A story about what's hot.
I wonder why the number one never caught on? You call yourself a fashion writer? Peasant blouses are out.
The only people who are wearing peasant blouses are actual peasants! Ooh, Stella McCartney, eat your heart out.
Wait, I'm a writer not a model.
Hey, Sabrina, you've gotta come see this.
I got some great footage at lunch of James tweezing his eyebrows.
Wow, and this is a free website? Heh.
To think I almost didn't put a camera by that water cooler.
Water cooler? They caught me doing magic.
You realize what this means? I don't know.
Six more weeks of winter? I have to get rid of the evidence.
Argh! This stupid spell book hasn't caught up with technology.
The best it can do is exorcize a demon-infested Atari.
So fix it the old-fashioned way.
Have saber-wielding assassins storm the office and hack up the computers.
Ooh, that's it.
I'll just hack into Leonard's computer and edit it out.
Thanks, Salem.
You know, just for that, from now on I'm gonna check underneath my car before I back out of the driveway.
- It's Clive.
He's here.
I mean, was that the doorbell? Hi, I'm Clive Rexford.
Did something happen to Clive Junior? Oh, no, no.
He and the little munchkins are doing just great.
I've got photos.
Wait, you're the drummer from Spinster Embryo? Clive Rexford? That's what it says on me meds.
Ooh, you look different up close without your makeup, and apparently your wig.
So, girls, shall we go grab a bite? - You go ahead.
- I don't know.
I have a lot of hair to wash.
Well, I made dinner reservations for three.
Don't bail on me.
- Okay.
- All right.
Heh, brilliant.
Now, we've gotta scurry because this coupon is only good till 7.
Okay, let's see.
If I were Leonard's computer, what would my password be? Enterprise? Um Lovemeister? Sabrina? Phew! Well, I guess I'm just gonna have to go in and get it out manually.
Oh! Ow.
Ah.
Well, so much for that beauty mark.
I understand the foot thing, it's the hoof that worries me.
Webcam.
Ah, water cooler.
Zoinks.
Shaggy? Um, like, at your service.
And Scooby-Doo.
Scooby-Dooby-Doo.
- What are you guys doing here? Screen saver.
Hey, can you do me a favor? Can't you get us off this computer? Even Scoob's embarrassed to be on this dude's PC.
Sorry, I don't do Windows.
What's happening? We're, like, shut down for the night.
But I don't belong here.
I gotta get out! No! Well, what do you know? Hey, James, check this out.
Somebody's got a crush on me.
Yeah, but why would that big hairy dude from shipping send you a picture of Sabrina? I gotta say, that Sabrina is pretty cute.
Really? Well, let's see if you think she's cute if she looks like old Zeke the prospector? No, I like Sabrina just the way she is.
Although, it never hurts to have a couple of Shoshanas.
- Ooh.
- Ha, ha! Well, if you're gonna enhance the chassis, you might as well jack up the rear and give her a new paint job.
Oh, yeah.
Hello? We are supposed to be having an editorial meeting in my office, guys.
Let's go.
- All right.
Ahem.
Oops.
Heh.
Oh, no.
Oh, please tell me this is just really strong hairspray.
- Sabrina? - Yeah? We're about to start the meeting.
Oh, okay.
Oh, I dropped my pencil.
Ha, ha.
Yeah, it's rolling.
Still rolling.
Still rolling.
Hey, while I'm down here, you want a pedicure? Okay, I know I suggested you change your appearance, but I'm not sure the Pamela Anderson look is the image you want.
Oh, these aren't mine.
I'm, uh, carrying them for a friend.
Sabrina.
What happened to you? You got such big hair.
Yeah, it's a new shampoo.
Uh, they say it adds body.
Ha, ha.
And they're not lying.
Yeah, maybe I shouldn't rinse and repeat.
Ha, ha.
Gotta go.
Unh, darn it.
If you're here, who's co-hosting the Country Music Awards? Sabrina, can we? Wow, what's up with this getup? Oh, well, uh, Roxie, I would expect you of all people to know.
I have adopted this outrageous look to make a statement about society's unreasonable expectations of female beauty.
Oh, she's telling women to be prettier.
No, Morgan.
It's a feminist protest.
Way to go, sister.
Burn your bra.
Yeah, well, if I did, you could see the smoke in Baltimore.
Sabrina, how did you do all of this? Uh, mostly wire hangers and Styrofoam peanuts.
So how was the date with the drummer? Well, Clive was old enough to be my grandfather.
And short enough to be Roxie's grandfather.
But he turned out to be a really nice guy.
We had lots of fun.
And he gave us free preview copies of his solo CD.
Yeah, it's nothing but drumming.
It's called Buh-Dump-Bump Chsss.
Anyway, Clive has this amazing background and we thought he'd be a great subject for Scorch.
I don't know, guys.
I don't know people that are interested in a story about a wrinkly old drummer who's gone solo.
Hello? Where the hell did that pencil roll, Poughkeepsie? Oh, I'm sorry to disappear like that, but I am hot on the trail of a great story about an old drummer.
I'll be in later.
If I dig myself any deeper I'm gonna hit rice.
You weren't lying.
We told Clive to meet us at the diner.
So you really can write that story.
Guys, I really don't feel like going out like this.
Are you kidding? If I had figure like that, I'd want to show it off.
Heck, I'd be married to an 80-year-old billionaire by now.
But we are only going to the diner, and I don't think they're gonna get the statement you're making.
Okay, well, I'll just change my clothes.
- Is something wrong, Sabrina? - No, no, no, Roxie.
I cannot give in and not make this statement.
That's just want the man wants.
Let's go.
Oh, she's got what the man wants.
I don't see Clive.
He must be on his way.
Oh, great, Stan's working.
I hope you're not in a hurry to get served.
Good afternoon, miss.
Let me get you a table right away.
All right, come on, you guys are done.
Let's go.
Up to, up to.
The mayo on your tuna's starting to turn.
Ladies? So something to start? Uh, three lemonades, please? I'll squeeze them myself.
Wow, what got into him? What got into him is what got into you.
I don't think he's getting the irony of your outfit.
Well, on the upside, he's getting our order, and fast.
Here we go.
Oh, we didn't order lattes.
No, these were sent over.
From the gentleman at the counter, another from the guy by the window, and the third from the woman in the hard hat.
Cool.
Uh-uh.
They're for the blond.
For your information, I am a blond in here.
The only reason you're getting all this free stuff is because of the way you look? I know.
It's an outrage.
What are you doing? Oh, uh, exploiting, um, gender politics to get a free muffin.
Sorry I'm late, ladies.
At the last minute, I realized I had something in my teeth.
So I had to go back and get the other set.
Now, where is that writer? This is her.
Sabrina Spellman.
No, no, no.
I meant the journalist who's going to write that story on me.
That would be me.
Why don't we start with background information? Fine, Goldilocks.
I was born in London.
That's a big, big city in England.
Yeah, I know where London is.
I've been there.
Really? What, were they opening a Trafalgar Square branch of Hooters? - Ha, ha.
- I'm treating you like a professional, I expect you to treat me like a professional.
Oh, you're a professional.
Well, that explains the dress.
That's it.
You are way out of line, buddy.
I'm really sorry, Sabrina.
We had no idea he'd be so obnoxious.
Well, I don't know.
Everything sounds so cute with that accent.
Just because I have a great body doesn't mean I also don't have a great brain.
I mean, look at this woman.
It isn't fair that she's ignored because she's not glamorous and her hair is limp and lifeless.
And sure, she could use a little concealer and control top pantyhose wouldn't hurt.
For the love of God, stop.
I'm so sorry, but you didn't let me finish.
This woman isn't gorgeous doesn't mean she doesn't have a lot to offer.
I mean, we have to stop judging others by the what they look on the surface.
It's what underneath that matters, not what's neath.
I like you.
When you're angry you jiggle.
Nice speech.
Strident, with just a touch of hypocrisy.
You're right.
I owe you an apology.
I shouldn't have assumed you're dating Tina because she's gorgeous.
She probably challenges you intellectually as well.
Look at the sign.
They spelled dinner with one N.
But sometimes if a book's cover says, "An Idiot's Guide for Dummies," you gotta take it at face value.
Man, I gotta get the name of that shampoo.
Okay, I've had enough of this Jessica Rabbit impersonation.
Oh, I'm ready to get back to my old self.
I just wish I knew how.
Oh, Harvey, knows his way around a computer.
He could put you back the way you were.
But allow me to point out, you look mighty, mighty - Sabrina, you're - Yeah, I know, mighty, mighty.
Look, I can't stand looking like this for another day, you obviously have a hockey game to get back to.
No, they won't miss me.
There's a fight going on.
Oh, so you were hiding in the penalty box? They hit so hard.
Anyway, you're the one with the magic powers, how am I supposed to help you? Okay, I'm gonna go inside your computer and you can use PhotoTweek to get me back to normal.
You positive? This is what I'm saying.
Okay, here goes.
Listen, Harvey, as long as I'm in here, I miss the beauty mark.
Could you put it back? - But you don't understand.
- No, I don't.
Why did you put cameras in the men's room? You're lucky we're not getting a lawsuit.
I want all webcams disconnected immediately, and I want that limerick about me erased off the wall.
Fine, I'll get rid of the webcams.
But someday, you will be slack-jawed in awe of my genius.
Pull.
Thank you.
Oh.
What do you want? You're probably wondering why I looked so outrageous yesterday.
Well, actually I was working on a story about body image.
I assumed you were trying to draw attention away from your writing.
The point is, I'm back with my peasant blouses, and sensible shoes.
This is the way I look and you have to deal with it.
You were the one having a hard time.
First the cameras are freaking you out, then you get all Dolly Partoned up in here, and now you've got this bizarre tattoo going on.
Oh, well, you know the peer pressure at computer camp.
Believe me, working in the music industry, I have seen far, far stranger things.
Now, where is this drummer article that you're so hot about? Oh.
Ha, ha.
Oh, I dropped my pencil.
Oh, it's still rolling.
Still rolling.
Nice shoes.
Are those Prada? Oh, they're knockoffs.
Fraud-a.
The wedgie style really shows off your arches.
And the strap, hugs the curve of your instep.
Has anyone ever told you you have stunning toe cleavage? No.
Thanks.
Leonard, hand that over.