Scrubs s07e06 Episode Script

- You've got something on your face.
- What? Yeah, me.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God, I feel like such a ho-bag, but I'm still glad I did it.
I do declare spending special relationary time with my girlfriend makes me happier than a bullfrog in a beetle bin.
Why are you talking like that? 'Cause I'm smitten with my girlfriend, Lady, and this is my smitten voice.
Why? What voice do you use when you're smitten? My normal voice.
You know what? You hide it well, but you're a very strange person.
Ma'am.
How'd I do? Seventeen.
That's impressive.
But I'm going to kick your ass.
And Time.
What's going on, C-Bizzle? We're seeing who can last the longest in Mr Seller's room.
He has a fungal infection under the fat flaps in his stomach.
It smells like the time I accidentally put lzzy's doo-doo diaper in the microwave.
- You guys are playing Smelly Belly? - Time.
- Sixteen seconds.
- Come on! I win.
See, that's what I'm talking about.
That's how it goes when you fight me! Hold on, Turk.
Let's not declare victory until we give a shot to Dr John Dorian and his nostrils of steel.
Your nose can't handle smells of that magnitude.
Make some room.
On the clock.
You have got to be kidding me.
That is the most disgusting thing I've ever smelled.
And a sugar-free latte for the winner.
Victory tastes delicious.
You guys aren't even friends.
Why do you spend so much time competing over everything? Because we're men, and that is what men do.
Now a quick look to Turk to see if that is what men do.
What do you know? Don't forget, I crushed you in "Find the Vein in the Junkie.
" Yeah, but I beat you good at gauzeball.
That's nothing.
Yesterday, I won free muffins for life by guessing how many coffee beans were in that there jar.
Actually, they had a recount.
You came in second.
What? Who came in first? Do you know the muffin man the muffin man If anyone needs me, I'll be in my office going to town on these bad boys.
Have you seen the muffin man the muffin man Why are you guys so obsessed with reliving everything you've won? Because we're winners, and that's what winners do.
Back to Turk for confirmation.
Damn it! If you'd ever won anything, you'd know what we were talking about.
I've won something, Perry.
We threw our nerd farther than yours.
- Yeah! - Yeah! Suck it, bitch! Guys? I think their nerd is unconscious.
We should probably roll him over.
That's the moment I realised I wanted to be a doctor.
Every doctor has their own way of dealing with patients.
Turk was all about efficiency.
Why are you standing on a chair? Because from this spot, I can see into four rooms without actually going in.
Check it.
Patients of Dr Turk, how are we? - Okay! - All good! Fine.
The guy has a tongue surgery.
He's actually okay, though.
Elliot preferred a more personal approach.
Shannon, what's happening, girlfriend? Yeah, I know I can't pull off calling someone "girlfriend," - but she likes it, so - I do.
Can't help it.
Shannon's back.
It's been so great getting to know her.
See, that's the great thing about being in private practice.
You get to treat the same patients all the Come on, you guys! People are sleeping here.
Well, I guess you think it's so funny Wait, why am I whispering? Listen, Barbie, I'd love to take credit for this idea, but it was all big Bobby Kelso.
Come on.
Heck.
Quick announcement.
I have signed Sacred Heart up for a website called Rate YourDoc.
Org, where patients can evaluate and score their doctors.
I think it's going to lead to better patient care.
And, if along the way, you all become paranoid and overly competitive, happy birthday to me.
Dr Kelso, I became a doctor to save lives, heal wounds, and occasionally drop the M.
D.
Bomb to pull hot tail in bars.
You know what else works? Cosmonaut.
Try it.
Thank me later.
Noted.
Oh, I reckon my Lady's as pretty as a porcupine on roller skates.
That doesn't even make sense.
That's what we smitten folk call a metaphor.
You, young lady, have a head as empty as a whippoorwill in a tub of moonshine.
There you go.
He's out of his fricking mind.
How does that woman go out with him? Well, I would say love is blind, but we both know that isn't true.
My love for Enid falls a percentage point with every pound she gains.
Since our wedding day, I am 136% less in love with her.
You're really gonna comment on your wife's weight when you got muffins stuffed down your pants? I like them warm.
So, you're experiencing vomiting and shortness of breath, neither of which are consistent with your ALS.
It's hard to be comfortable around terminal patients, but Shannon made it easy.
- So how's the ALS progressing? - It's been a blast.
Her legs are fully paralysed and her arms are on their way.
That does sound fun.
Yeah, but you know what? I think I'm ready for all this.
Said goodbye to all my friends.
Hell, I even had my funeral already.
She looked so beautiful in her casket.
I'm sure you did.
I wasn't in a casket.
I know that.
Come on, who would do that? Except for vampires.
I told you he was gullible.
Shannon, I hate to leave, but I really want to get these down to the lab for testing.
Okay.
I can stay.
So you went to your own funeral, huh? - Were people sad enough for you? - Most of them.
And anyone that wasn't crying got a talking-to.
You should've invited me.
I can cry on cue.
Say "dead puppies.
" Dead puppies.
Connecting with patients always came easier to me than it did to some others.
Have a good day, Mr Walmer.
Wow, you actually learned your patient's name.
Maybe if you don't kill him in the operating room, you can take him out dancing.
I doubt it.
I'm amputating his foot later.
But he's still going to give me a good review.
See, we're DBFFs.
Diabetic Best Friends Forever.
You don't usually bond with your patients.
You're not changing who you are as a doctor to get good ratings, are you? Hell to the no.
Are you? Please.
So, you're declining chemo because Wikipedia says that raw food diet reverses the effects of bone cancer.
Well, hey, any info you have that I can pass on to my other patients would just be super.
And by the by, while you're on your computer, perhaps you could jump over to a little site called Rate YourDoc.
Org? O-R-G.
Patients of Dr Turk, would you like any one-on-one time with your surgeon? - Please.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
- Love to.
A private consultation with my surgeon would be very much appreciated, thank you.
Damn, someone's tongue is healing fast.
There.
I gave you five stars.
Thank you.
And now I have to take your laptop from you, as I've deemed you just too darn stupid to use it.
You see those bell peppers that you're munching? They aren't going to do a truckload of jack against the cancer raging inside of your body.
Of course, I've only been a doctor for some 20 years, and the person who wrote that Wikipedia entry also authored the Battlestar Galactica episode guide.
So what the heck do I know? But if you feel like living, page me.
- So, "Lady" is an unusual name.
- Tell me about it.
I was conceived after my parents saw the movie Lady and the Tramp.
- That's so sweet.
- Yeah.
Got to go meet my guy out front.
Nice meeting you, Carla.
So, you'll never believe this.
Lady is normal.
I'm sorry.
Did you also win free muffins for life? I didn't think so.
Now let me read the final Harry Potter novel in peace.
Everyone's already read that.
Yes, but if anyone divulges any details to me What happens, Murphy? You draw Harry Potter glasses on their face in permanent marker.
That's right.
Now, I don't give a hoot about the Janitor and his gal pal, okay? So shove off.
You wouldn't dare draw on me, and I already know whether Harry lives or dies at the end.
So Lady's completely normal, huh? Can you believe that? Hi, Elliot, what's up? Good news.
Your symptoms aren't ALS-related.
You just took too many baclofens.
You probably just mixed up your meds.
In a hospital, little mysteries get solved every day.
You look nice.
I'm just glad to get out of that uni and into my regular clothes.
That's why she likes him.
He's pretending to be normal.
No way! Too much? Sometimes the answer's right in front of your face.
- You've got to be kidding me.
- It has to be an error.
Are you guys still looking at that stupid website? I told you, those ratings are meaning I'm number one! The number one doctor! Yes! Yes! Number one, number one.
I gotta make a quick phone call.
Call Mommy.
And sometimes you never could've seen it coming.
You gotta be more careful with your medications.
I mean, the baclofens aren't so bad, but if you took too many benzodiazepines, you could've died.
Then that's definitely what I'll do next time.
Grape? Why would you purposefully overdose? You know the answer to that.
I've said my goodbyes.
And soon, I won't be able to move my arms or even speak.
I am literally going to die entombed in this body, a lifeless burden to Gayle.
- Who's Gayle? - My home care nurse.
I know she's sweet, but she's a little silly for my taste.
Oh, God, she's flying.
How's she getting her scarf to blow like that? I get to go next.
Elliot, I want things to end on my terms.
And in a few months, I won't even be able to do that.
Why are you telling me all of this? I mean, this goes against everything that I stand for.
Shannon, I'm your doctor.
I know, but you're also my friend.
One blueberry, please.
Because I can.
So what do you want to do tonight? Well, it's Friday, which is date night.
So perhaps we should see a movie and then get some ice cream while we walk and hold hands.
I vote yes.
What the hell are you doing? Khaki? You never wear khaki.
- My uniform is khaki.
- Your uniform is blue.
- No.
- Yes.
- Leave me alone.
- Yeah, right.
Are you coming? Well, I might as well.
Miriam here has already ruined the book for me.
The Rate YourDoc website also had a comments section.
Come on.
"What's up with Dr Cox's hair? "One week he's bald, and the next week he looks like Shirley Temple? "Signed, Michelle M.
" Oh, it's called "Rate YourDoc.
Org.
" I'm on a completely different, more awesome site.
See? Whoa! Can I borrow your laptop just for a second, please? Thank you.
Yup.
Still number one.
Now to put the cursor back on Dr Turk, who's lower down on the ranking list.
Scrolling down, scrolling, scrolling Fake watch.
Scrolling, scrolling.
There he is, all the way at the bottom, right above Dr Murphy here.
How can I be last? All my patients are dead.
Doug, do you remember that guy you put in the morgue drawer? Turns out he was just heavily sedated.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
All the comments are from him.
My ALS patient just told me she tried to kill herself.
Shannon? What are you gonna do? Well, Barbie, you have two choices.
You can either tell on her or look the other way.
Now, me, I'd go ahead and crank up the Moody Blues and suffocate her with a pillow.
Of course, I'm a helper.
- As always, thank you.
- Welcome.
Someone named Coco Bosco wrote that she's sick of me saying, "That's what I'm talking about.
" But sometimes that is what I'm talking about.
Tell me this.
Do you like her? Well, I've never met her before, but no.
In fact, I may hate her.
I'm talking about Lady.
If you like her, you can't keep lying to her about who you are.
Hogwash.
Lie forever.
It's the natural form of communication between men and women.
Hell, Enid still thinks it's too snowy to go outside.
I spray the windows with shaving cream to keep her out of the yard.
Her wheelchair tears up the grass.
Until you let Lady know the real you, your relationship is not real, and it's going to end.
I don't want it to end.
That's his sad voice.
We can't lose to J.
D.
I don't care what it takes.
I thought he was your best friend.
Yeah, well, winning is way more important than friendship.
My gram-gram taught me that.
His patients love him.
How do we undo that? After you're done rating me on Rate YourDoc.
Org, go to my website, TheToddTime.
Com, and be sure to check out the "Tranny Todd" feature.
It lets you see what the big dog looks like with girl parts.
Ma'am, the key to a speedy recovery is less moaning, more boning.
Sure as my name is Dr John Dorian.
That's what I'm talking about! I said it again.
Damn! Hey.
I've been looking for you.
Can you imagine what it's like to know that you're going to be trapped in your own body, just waiting for your misery to end? Elliot, you can't let this girl do this again.
You gotta tell Gayle so she can police it.
But maybe dying is the right choice for her.
Well, I don't think it's the right choice for you.
You know, as doctors, sometimes we have to protect ourselves first.
And I know you better than anybody.
You've always believed in the sanctity of life.
If you let this girl kill herself, it's gonna haunt you forever.
I could handle it.
You remember when you were treating that teenager and you broke his iPod? You felt so guilty, you let him take you to prom.
Yeah, well, I left early, and I barely put out.
I just don't want you to get hurt.
You're right.
I'll tell Gayle.
Thanks.
Do you know that I'm the number one doctor in the hospital? Yes, J.
D.
I got all the e-mails.
Hi.
Aren't we going out? What's with the jumpsuit? Okay, first of all, if we're going to make it, not a jumpsuit.
- Shirt, belt, pants.
- Okay.
Secondly, I think it's time that you knew the real me.
All right, here we go.
I'm not like normal people.
I don't have superpowers, but I'm working on it.
For instance, watch me move this pen.
It worked at home.
I don't know.
Maybe my table is slanted.
Anyway, in my spare time, I also enjoy stuffing animals.
Usually with other animals.
For instance, a badger will hold five squirrels.
A squirrel will hold most of a cat.
A mouse will hold a shrew and a vole.
You get the idea.
Circle of life.
I have broken the sound barrier, but you must never ask me how.
I don't believe in the moon.
I think it's just the back of the sun.
I love a good train wreck.
Furthermore, I think if you look closely at a monkey Stop it, you.
She doesn't know you're joking.
- No, I'm - He's joking? Thank God.
And so the lying begins.
You big joker.
Go change and I'll meet you outside.
What just happened? Did I black out? Did the pen move? You have to dole out your crazy in little pieces.
You can't do it all at once.
All right.
Hey, what do you say, 23? Oh, my God.
Another new nickname.
But what does it mean? Play it cool, 23.
You'll find out eventually.
That's what they call me.
Why do they call me that? It's your new website ranking.
- What? How did I drop so low? - You know, after I fix that gall bladder, you might want me to do something about those flat boobies.
All I wanted to do was win at something, for once, and when I finally do, you have to go Excuse me.
But do you really want me here for a lecture that I'm not gonna feel the least bit guilty about? Dismissed.
Him, I expected this from, but you? I mean, you're my closest friend.
In college, we shared a toothbrush.
- I was not aware of that.
- We did.
Look, man, is there anything I can do to make it up to you? Here you go, buddy.
Your very own unicorn.
She's glorious! - Turk! - My bad.
Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? Here's your unicorn! Turk! She's beautiful! Look at her mane - Turk! - I gotta tell you, unicorns aren't real.
- Stop it! - They're not real.
There's nothing you can do.
What if I let you beat me in basketball while the nurses watch? Can we yell "White Lightning" every time I make a basket? - We always do.
- Back in.
- Okay.
- Come on, Bizzle.
Gayle's pulling the car around.
So I guess this is Don't.
You know I hate the "G" word.
Elliot, thank you for everything.
You've been an amazing friend to me.
- White Lightning! - White Lightning! Dude, enough practise lay-ups.
I'm getting hoarse.
- White Lightning! - White Lightning! Are you even listening to me? When you have something you have to get off your chest, there are a couple of things you can do.
You can test the water.
Check this out.
I found it at a garage sale.
- Oh, my God! That is disgusting.
- Yeah, I know.
I think so, too.
I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page.
Or you can come completely clean.
I talked to Kelso about the whole Todd thing, and you're back at number one.
That's what I'm talking about! I figured since you can't say it any more, maybe I could have it.
No.
Of course, if you're really the number one doctor, you might end up keeping things to yourself.
Is there anything else I need to know? No.
Nothing else.
Even if it will haunt you forever.