Shameless US s07e06 Episode Script

1 You miss another episode of Shameless, I'm comin' over to your fuckin' house and killing your entire fuckin' family.
Gallagher Home for the Homeless? Frank, you can't have a homeless shelter here.
I beg to differ, neighbor.
Is that a new washer-dryer gettin' delivered to Frank? Even the homeless get better stuff than us.
There's a guy I met.
His name's Trevor.
He's a lot of fun to hang out with.
It's been a while since I had someone to party-hop with.
I missed this shit.
Fiona's gonna kick me out unless I can pull my weight.
You want a good life? Find someone to keep you.
Someone weak, stupid, and desperate.
- I'm sorry.
- Need a ride? (YELLING IN RUSSIAN) - Whoa! - What the fuck? (YELLING IN RUSSIAN) This is my father.
He's staying with us for a while.
Just a little word of advice.
If you're really a businesswoman, you'd stack chips, not save 'em.
Investing? Much better way to grow those pockets.
All 75 slots for this upcoming term have been filled.
Incoming classes have 100 students.
Remaining slots are reserved for students of color.
Military school might be your best shot to avoid being human scum, but you can take a DNA test to prove your ancestry.
You mean I'm an Indian? Apache, bitch.
I'm going to military school.
Interning for a bunch of rich college friends.
We could hack these fucks, and they wouldn't know what hit 'em.
I have a plan for my life, and just so we're clear, I am just as likely as anyone else in this family to make something of myself, and it's about time you got that, you arrogant shit.
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? (UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC) She's caught me riding there (DISTANT KNOCKING) (LOUDER KNOCKING) - (FAN BLOWING) - (SIGHS) Yo.
Holy shit.
When'd you get an air conditioner? Yesterday.
Hey, Debbie's not in her room.
She sleep at Neil's last night? Yep.
- So that's a real thing now? - Looks like it.
Look, Neil's, uh, he's a nice guy and all, but He's a paraplegic with no impulse control.
Sierra say anything about it? Oh, not really.
I think maybe she's in denial.
Debs is just overreacting, like always.
She thinks it'll solve all her problems.
DCFS is not gonna take her baby away.
She's just trying to get her shit together.
- Like you told her to.
- I told her to get a job.
Not to beg on a corner with Franny.
All right.
Oh, sweet Jesus, this cold air feels so good.
Yeah, maybe I'll get myself one of those.
Coming into some money.
No kidding.
Internship.
They're paying you now? Yep.
They just don't know it.
(SIGHS) (INDISTINCT CROWD CHATTER) (GRUNTS) Line up! Jump the hoop, make your dime One regret, a wasted youth Round up, round from the cup (SIGHS) No.
More dirt under the fingernails, New Lip.
The dollars are in the details.
Fred! Fred.
One shoe.
Other one barefooted.
It's more pathetic.
Oh, my God.
Florence.
You take my breath away.
- Look at you.
- (GIGGLES) Extra points for creativity.
You're in no-man's-land, kid.
Ladies.
You're not cute enough to trade on your looks but too clean to get a handout.
New Monica? Pulling a tooth is less painful than blinding yourself.
And you can always buy a new one later if this line of work doesn't pan out.
Someone bought the check cashing place on Wentworth.
140 grand.
Great.
Another artisanal pickle shop on the way.
Just what we need.
- Morning, Chief.
- Hey.
Would my Apache brother like toast? Or do you only eat maize? Laugh all you want, but it got me a scholarship into military school.
Does this mean we get a discount at the Indian casino? Hey, can you hand me the cereal, Marches Without Foreskin? (CHUCKLES) When do you go? Couple of days.
Mm.
I'm losing my best dishwasher.
- Uh-uh.
Second best.
- Not even close.
Well, there's no chance you're leaving without a Gallagher good-bye party.
What? I can't remember ever seeing you eat fruit.
Yeah, or anything healthy.
I got to start getting in shape.
Eat healthy.
They make you run in military school.
- (CHUCKLES) - A lot more than just running.
You read this orientation packet? Got obstacle courses.
Combat training.
Classes all day.
Then Bible study.
What the fuck's an honor code? Still can't believe you decided to go.
Yeah.
We expected prison.
Lethal injection.
Not this.
It says I have to memorize it by the time I get there.
I'm washing dishes, and Carl's got a scholarship.
The world's upside-down.
"I pledge to never deliberately deceive another person.
" (PHONE CHIMES) "I pledge to never take any possessions belonging to another person" Jesus.
- See you, bud.
- (FIONA) Where you going? Sierra sent me a tongue emoji.
Hey, can you go by the store? Get a cake and a banner? Make it nice for Carl's send-off party? What, you can't do it? No.
Work.
I'm slammed.
Oh, and Liam.
Can you take Liam to day care? Liam, come on.
(LIP) What about Ian? Nah, he's still sleeping.
He worked late too.
- Come on! - All right.
- Come on, buddy.
- Have fun.
They tell you begging has no dignity.
It's beneath you.
Well, no bastard ever came home from earning $8.
25 an hour feeling proud.
Minimum wage? Just a fancy term for industrialized slavery.
We're in a war.
A war with the privileged.
Those aren't streets you're sitting on.
They're battlefields! And it is our duty to fight the comfortable and the overfed.
So go forth, you sons of bitches.
Go forth, and take their money! (CHEERS) (CLEARS THROAT) Hey.
Debs.
Hi, Lip.
Are you gonna have sex with my sister? - (CHUCKLES) - (DEBBIE) We're about to leave.
Franny's physical exam, to see if I'm an abusive mother.
You're not.
It's just routine.
My sister really likes you.
I'm glad you're her new boyfriend.
I'm not her boyfriend.
A lot of guys used to come around, but you're the only one now.
What if they take Franny? Listen to me, okay? No one's taking Franny.
She is healthy.
She has all her shots.
You're not an addict.
You've never been arrested, right? (SCOFFS) You gonna come home? Why should I? Nobody threatens to kick me out here.
And I can tell DCFS that we have a home and source of income.
- We? - Neil's great with kids.
And his penis doesn't work, so sex won't get in the way.
(SIERRA) Thought I heard you.
Hey.
Just give me a minute to get Neil dressed.
Already done.
We're going shopping later.
You need anything? No, thanks.
Let's go, honey.
I'm making dinner.
6:00.
Already texted Carl and Ian.
Okay.
I'm not inviting Fiona.
No cunts allowed.
Okay.
Don't forget anal.
(DOOR CLOSES) - We're not doing anal.
- Oh.
Good to know.
Hey, you coming to this dinner tonight? It's in my apartment.
Kind of have to.
What's it for? Fuck if I know, but Debbie insisted we be there.
So, she got into a fight with a homeless lady with a baby strapped to her chest? Yeah, the more you get to know Debbie, the more you'll see it's really not that unusual.
You think her and my brother is a good idea? - Nope.
You? - Fuck no.
How about you get my mind off it? (UPBEAT RUSSIAN MUSIC) What's with the bottles? - Oh, more vodka for the bar.
- He can't do that there? Ah, babe, you've never had in-laws.
This is what they do.
They stop by unannounced and annoy the shit out of you.
Is that some kind of dig at my mom? No! I'm taking the kids to the park.
- Lana, you coming to the bar? - After I go to the bank.
Grand pa.
You said your first word.
Your dad said his first word.
He said his first word! You guys hear that? Oh, man, I wish I'd been recording it.
Grandpa! Grandpa! (SIERRA MOANING) Oh, fucking hell.
(MOANING) - (GRUNTS) - Oh.
(BOTH PANTING) I didn't know if you'd be good at that.
That was unbelievable.
Sheets drenched? Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) That's how I come sometimes.
What? You never heard of female ejaculation? Oh, no, I have.
I just thought it was a myth, like unicorns or moderate Republicans.
You're really hard.
That was really hot.
Hey, does that happen a lot with guys? Sometimes.
When you're alone? No.
Hey, why didn't you come like that before? I hadn't let you go down on me.
You have a lot of questions.
I just I feel like Watson and Crick must have when they discovered DNA.
It's just an orgasm.
We should've been doing this from the beginning.
Can't.
Not until I'm really comfortable with a guy.
Sorry, kids.
Daddy forgot your sippy cups.
Bad daddy.
Bad daddy.
(MAN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN) Ah, who left the TV on? Bad mommy.
Bad mommy.
(MAN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN) (YVON GRUNTING AND YELLING) (WOMAN MOANING) - (YELLING IN RUSSIAN) - (MOANING CONTINUES) (ROCK MUSIC) Thanks for coming with me.
I didn't want to have to do Franny's exam alone.
I love you.
After this is over, you want to go grab lunch? Yeah? Neil? Excuse me.
Are you lactating? Neil.
One.
Two.
Eyes on you.
He can't help it.
He has brain damage.
Cute baby.
No, it's not.
V! V.
We got to talk.
I thought you were going to the park.
I think I saw something.
I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure.
At least, I think so, but I'm not sure how sure.
(EXHALES) Svetlana and her dad.
What about 'em? You know.
Mm-hmm.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? You think I'm saying sex, right? - That's crazy.
- No, I know! I know, but I went upstairs, and there's Yvon, pumping away.
It was it was so horrible.
- You saw Svetlana? - Yes.
But I didn't see her face.
I saw a thigh, and it looked familiar.
And you didn't stop him? I'm sorry, I-I There there was Russian TV and moans.
I panicked, okay? Oh, this is this is really, really fucked up.
If if I saw what I saw.
I'm-I'm-I'm not sure.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
Lana said she was going to the bank.
Oh, who else would it have been, V? You think Yvon came here to ball some random chick in our bed? Listen to yourself.
Do you realize how silly you sound? Why would she do it? - He was on top? - Uh-huh.
- Pinning her down? - Maybe.
He was forcing her.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, that is terrible.
But it's not as terrible as what I thought.
(EXHALES) I never knew the word "rape" could fill me with so much relief.
(KNOCKING) Yep, yep, yep.
- Hey.
- (TREVOR) Hey.
You look hungover.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, no, just tired.
Late shift.
Check it out.
That DJ we heard the other night? - I tracked down her tunes.
- Sweet.
Thanks.
There's a rager tonight.
No cover if you bring a twink.
They're taking over one of the old slaughterhouses.
Calling the party "Meat Market.
" Cool, I'll see if I can go.
So, if I come by your place unannounced to give you music, it freaks you out? Listen, you want to tell yourself you don't want me, that's fine I'll play along.
But I have plenty of friends, so if you're gonna make things weird, I'm out.
All I said is, "I'll see.
" Keep the music.
Trev.
(DOOR CLOSES) Right there.
Wow.
Is this microfiber? Yeah, it's the least we can do for those in need.
Which church did you say you're from again? Oh, um, God's Love, on North LaSalle.
Uh-huh.
You know, I I got to admit, when you're living on the street, cold and hungry, you start to question if there really is a God.
But standing here today and receiving this generous bounty Sorry.
(SNIFFLES) You gave us this sofa, but your greatest gift? You gave us our faith back.
- (SOBBING) - God bless you.
Thank you, brother.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And let me know if you can rustle up that 60-inch TV, will ya? You know, for when we gather to watch Joel Osteen.
(FRANK) God bless.
(DOOR CLOSES) Okay, let's get this thing outside.
(UPBEAT UKULELE MUSIC) Add that to the table and chairs and the bed.
And that's microfiber, so don't fuck me on the price.
That's 440.
He gave us 40 bucks! Let's get something special for supper.
Hey.
Uh, picking up an order for Game Change.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Yo.
Everything all set? Uh almost.
Hey, are you sure about this? I mean, wire fraud is a little out of my comfort zone.
Yeah, look, we don't get greedy.
We just skim a little bit every hour.
They won't catch on.
- Use a VPN just in case.
- Well, no shit.
I don't want anyone tracing this back to me.
You ever have a girl come on your face? Like orgasm while I was going down on her? No, like ejaculate on you.
(CHUCKLES) You sure it was a girl? Yeah.
Wait.
Are we talking about a squirter? - Are you fucking with me? - Uh-uh.
What was it like? Fucking amazing.
That's the white whale.
Every guy dreams of it, but only a few ever get the chance.
You lucky bastard.
I'm just glad she finally let me go down on her.
Finally? Yeah, she doesn't let a guy do it until she feels really comfortable with him.
Ah, so you guys are serious now.
No, it's not like that.
Sure, man.
Sierra's brother did call me her boyfriend this morning.
She's trying to lock you down.
Shit.
All right, I think I'm done.
- Just need to hit return.
- Great.
Do it.
(QUIETLY) Fuck.
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) - (BARISTA) Game Change.
- All right.
I'm gonna go get this coffee order.
See if they notice we're ripping them off.
Wow.
Hey, has it been this busy all morning? Barely had time to pee since I got here.
Where have you been? Oh, I got caught up looking at properties online.
Shit has gotten so expensive in this neighborhood.
Did you do the walk-in inventory? Yeah, and called in the Sysco order.
Didi cashed out the night girls.
And my brother's here with your sister.
Hey, Debbie.
Neil.
- Hi.
- Hi.
It's a beautiful day.
Debbie's pissed at you.
Not that you care, but Franny passed her DCFS doctor exam.
Still have to do the home visit and counseling before they tell me if I can keep her.
Of course I care.
Thought all you cared about was getting your money.
Just because I want you to contribute your fair share doesn't mean I don't give a shit.
You could've fooled me.
We're having a good-bye party for Carl tomorrow.
- Can you come? - For Carl? Sure.
(DEBBIE) Neil wants the patty melt.
(FIONA) Oh, sorry.
We took that off the menu.
What's the closest thing? (FIONA) Um, cheeseburger Caramelized onions, brioche bun aioli? Neil.
One.
Two.
I was gonna say something nice.
You have a good ass.
It makes up for your small tits.
Thanks! - Neil.
One.
Two.
- Sorry.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) Got your latte.
Can I help you? Yeah, I'm Lip Uh, senior intern.
I'm really psyched to figure out how things work here, you know? Especially what you do.
You're interested in cybersecurity? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Totally.
You guys are like, the, uh, unsung heroes, you know? Not that the coders give a shit.
So, are there any, like, uh breaches or anything like that today or? Just the usual.
Hackers from China.
Russia.
I fought 'em off.
All right.
Anything else? No.
You're the man.
(KEYS CLACKING) Svetlana just got here.
Is there a Hallmark card for "I'm sorry your dad's been raping you"? - What are you gonna say to her? - Me? What the hell am I gonna say? "Kev thought he saw you fucking your dad, maybe?" (SIGHS) You're right.
All right, I'm not running away from this.
It's time to man up.
So how was your morning? Long line at bank.
Right.
Bank.
(ADDING MACHINE WHIRS) - How are things with your dad? - I'm busy.
You you you guys You guys fight a lot.
And does does it does it Does it ever get out of hand? Where you can't fight him off? Why you babble like someone who has stroke? Make sense, please.
Okay.
Your dad pimped you out.
Did he ever sample the goods? Try on the merchandise? Take you out for a test drive? (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) I got nothing.
Don't be mad.
I couldn't find anything about hell week online.
They kept it secret.
This one dude on Facebook posted that it was the worst week of his life.
They just run you till you puke.
What about hazing? At the Citadel, they put a helmet in a pillowcase and hit you over and over.
Or they brand you with a red-hot hanger like a cow.
- That shit's permanent.
- Smells bad, but it heals fast.
Toughen you up.
Make a man out of you.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Hi.
Bye, Dad.
You look good.
You're not here anymore (UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC) (PHONE DINGS) Hey, Trevor.
Music kicks ass.
Where's the party tonight? Why the hell are you going to my dad's military school? I guess I want to be like him.
You want to be an overweight cop sitting in a car for ten hours getting shit thrown at him? And I don't mean shit like "stuff.
" I mean shit like human shit.
Are you leaving 'cause of me? No.
'Cause I feel bad about how everything went down.
You mean fucking another dude? You didn't deserve that.
I'll miss you.
Yo.
They don't suspect a fucking thing.
Hell yeah, man.
Cybersecurity guy didn't see our beta.
- How much we clear? - 300.
All right, we can do ten times that tomorrow.
- Want to get drinks? - Yeah, absolutely.
Hey! Then we go online.
Pick out what color Teslas we want to get.
- (LIP) Yo.
- Oh, hey.
Got the day off from the kids? (KEV) Yeah, for a couple hours.
I need to clear my head for a while.
I got a lot of freaky rape and incest stuff swirling around up there.
What can I get you? Your best booze.
What, did you rob a mini-mart or something? Ah, no, we ripped off a bunch of corporate crooks.
Turns out two wrongs do make a right.
Well, our best stuff is still pretty shitty.
Regulars go for quantity, not quality.
They're drinking on me today.
- (LIP) Joaquin.
- Why? 'Cause they've been screwed over by a system that rewards criminals with white collars and shit values.
Fuck mortgage-backed security.
Fuck bailouts.
Fuck too big to fail.
It's time we get a piece of the action.
(CAT MEOWS) (GASPS) Hi.
(PURRING) Are you missing one of your babies? Oh, there's Singletary.
(CHUCKLES) She's been so unhappy ever since I told her we have to move.
Well, what the hell? You did that one already.
Oh.
When are you leaving? The North Side real estate pricks gave me a week to think about it.
Think about what? If I'm gonna let 'em buy me out.
You haven't signed yet? No.
They gave me a term sheet.
100,000? - Yeah.
- Is that for the building? No, it's for the Laundromat and my apartment upstairs.
They still want to buy the lease.
I've got eight years left on it.
Haven't you lived up there, like, a hundred years? I'm not that old.
(LAUGHS) Almost 50 years.
I wanna stay, but I don't have a choice.
(WANDA) Hey.
Dryer ate my quarters.
I put two bucks in.
Thing won't start.
Prove it.
Prove it? Machine doesn't give you a damn receipt.
Oh, go tell it to someone who gives a shit.
- What if you could stay? - Well, they won't let me.
I would.
I can go to the bank right now.
Ask for a loan for 100 grand.
I bet they'll do it.
- You want my Laundromat? - Mm-hmm.
You wouldn't have to leave your apartment.
You could come sit on your stool anytime you want.
We can even keep Wendell's name on the sign.
You get what you want.
I get what I want.
And for no extra charge, you get to tell these North Siders to go fuck themselves.
(BREATHLESS LAUGH) Okay.
(KNOCKING) - Lip.
- Hey.
- You came.
- Yeah, of course.
How'd Franny's exam go? Great.
Healthy.
No bruises.
Oh, good.
Have you been drinking? Just a couple.
It's under control.
Hey, um, we're doing this send-off thing - for Carl tomorrow.
- Yeah, I heard.
Yeah, you think you could maybe pick up the decorations and the cake and stuff like that? - I'm just really busy at work.
- Yeah, for sure.
Sweet.
Thank you, Debs.
Here you go.
No.
Neil and I got it covered.
Come and give me a hand? Sure, yeah.
How's it going, bud? - Hey.
- Hey.
Hi.
Neil.
I'm gonna grab a beer.
What's that? - Is that Neil? - Yeah.
Before the accident.
- (IAN) Oh.
- (LAUGHTER, CHATTER) Think Dom wants to get back together with me.
Didn't she screw around on you? Yeah.
She feels bad about it, though.
And I mean, I did get circumcised for her.
Least I can do is give her another chance.
Long distance? You gonna bag on military school? You guys need me.
I do a lot around the house.
Yeah, like what? Bought it.
(DEBBIE) Dinner.
Eh Sit next to me.
Yeah.
Looks great, Debs.
I'll get your soda, Lucas.
Can you cut his potatoes? Uh yeah.
Let me help you with that.
Sierra thinks you're only with me for my money.
What, you said that? You don't think it's a good idea either.
Look, Debs, you don't need to do this to get the DCFS off your back Shut up, Lip.
What kind of choices do you think I have? You may see someone who's brain damaged, but I see someone who doesn't lie.
Like all the other guys I've ever been with.
He'll take care of me and will make sure my baby won't ever get taken away from me.
What kind of choices do you think Neil has? Are you always gonna be there to look out for him? 'Cause I will.
I'll cook for him, and I'll do his laundry, and I'll let him watch me masturbate.
You think he's gonna find a better deal somewhere else? We're engaged.
That's why I wanted all of you here.
Couple of tens.
A few fives.
Heh-heh.
I'm proud of you, son.
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) (COINS JINGLE) (COINS CLATTER) What are you, holding out on me? Nickels and dimes.
You call that begging? Some quarters too.
I could put a fuck doll in overalls on that corner, and it'd make more.
You're better than this.
Where does the money go? (GROUP GASPS, MURMURS) What did you say? All the money you take! Where does it go? Utilities.
Upkeep.
Making sure you have a home.
You think you get a free ride here? Huh? This shelter is not a charity.
This shelter's for closers.
That corner is for closers.
And you bring me a pocketful of change? You gotta get people to start giving you this kind of paper.
That's green! You do that, you get to keep your corner.
Don't? You get to clean toilets.
You piss me off, and you win a cardboard box under the overpass.
Shit! This almost puts a damper on my surprise.
Well, I'm-I'm not sure any of you deserve it now.
Surprise? What surprise? No soup today.
Huh? - (MAN) Yeah, White Castle! - Yeah! Who says Daddy Frank doesn't take care of you? Oh, thank you.
There's vodka too.
We're all in this together, right? Family, yes? Family.
That's right.
There you go.
Eat up, man.
Eat up.
Rib eye.
(EXHALES) Bye, Liam.
Thanks so much.
Thanks.
Night.
(SIGHS) Looks like we're gonna be related.
Want to stay and fuck your sister-in-law? - Uh hey, um - (GIGGLING) Look, we, uh we're still keeping it casual, right? I just mean that, you know, you've gotten really comfortable.
You had me cut Lucas's food tonight.
(SCOFFS) Why are you fighting this? Let's get married.
You can be Lucas's dad.
Uh no.
(LAUGHS) Should see your face.
Yeah, I'm comfortable.
Doesn't mean I'm falling hopelessly in love.
I mean, Jesus.
You think no girl can resist you? That I get goose bumps every time you whip out your magic cock? You should go.
- (KNOCKING) - (LIP) Yo.
- Hey, uh, Liam's in bed.
- Yeah, Liam's in bed.
Yeah.
Jesus, just come on in.
Close the door.
Don't let the AC out.
All right.
Pop quiz.
What's the most Debbie thing Debbie could possibly do? - Pregnant? - Nope.
Uh, joined the Army using Lip's name? - Very funny.
- (FIONA LAUGHING) Try again.
Uh engaged? Ding ding ding.
(SIGHS) Well, I may have been stupid, but at least I was in love.
And of age.
Too bad I missed the shit show.
- No, I got work in the morning.
- Well, I need it after Sierra ripped me a new one.
I don't want to know.
I do.
Why was she so pissed at you? I freaked out after she ejaculated on me.
No, she's really cool.
I might've blown it.
Hold on.
She ejaculated on you? - Yeah.
- You mean she pissed on you.
No.
I checked the sheets.
They weren't yellow.
Did it taste like piss? How the fuck would I know what piss tastes like? Oh, shit.
You've tasted piss, haven't you? - No! - (LIP) Yes, you have.
- You lie! - What was it like? It was like getting waterboarded.
But in a fantastic way.
- (FIONA) That shit's real? - Mm-hmm.
So a chick is blowing her load on you like she's a dude.
Meanwhile, I'm making out with a guy with a vagina.
Yeah, he's trans.
Oh.
Taking testosterone apparently gives you a giant clit.
(LIP) I'm confused.
So, does he have a vagina or no? No, he does.
He doesn't call it that, though.
He calls the whole situation his junk.
How do you have sex with the junk? I don't know.
I'm trying to wrap my head around it.
No, I'm really into him.
Just not so into her? He's a fucking him, all right? Not a her.
(LIP) Jesus.
Sure you don't want a hit? Yeah.
No, yeah.
Sorry.
Would you ever pick someone up while doing a load of laundry? The Laundromat across the street from Patsy's is getting sold.
- The one with the cats? - (FIONA) Mm-hmm.
I'm just waiting for the bank to approve the loan.
Place is getting a makeover.
It's gonna be a real scene.
Who the fuck wants to hang out at a Laundromat? I dunno Everyone's washing their underwear.
What could be sexier than that? DJ.
BYOB.
They're gonna stay open late.
Gay night every Thursday.
Plenty of hot girls.
Actually, it does sound pretty cool.
Yeah, I think so too.
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC) Time for me to go.
Yeah.
Me too.
I run to Costco.
(YEVGENY) Mama.
- Mama.
- (SVETLANA) Chh, chh.
Grandpa.
Yeah, we get it.
Come on, Yevgeny.
We're gonna take the kids for a walk.
Probably gonna be gone for an hour.
Hour and a half.
Bye.
Who is it? (DEBBIE) Debbie.
Anyone else around? (DEBBIE) Nope.
Come on in.
That's a lot of money.
Consolidating my wealth.
- Gonna put it somewhere safe.
- A bank? Fuck no.
Don't trust banks.
I'm gonna bury it where no one but me can find it.
- I'm getting married.
- If this is about a dowry I'm under 18, so I can't get married without a parent's consent.
I just need you to go downtown.
- To whom - Hmm? Are you getting married? His name's Neil.
What tax bracket? He got an accident settlement.
Collects disability.
Seven-figure settlement? High sixes? Disability for what? He's paralyzed.
On painkillers? - How old? - He's 23.
No.
No what? No, you don't have my blessing.
I don't want your blessing.
Just your consent.
I'm sorry.
I can't support this union.
(DEBBIE) Well, why not? He's really nice, and it was your stupid idea to go begging on the street with my baby that got me into this mess with DCFS.
He could live another 50 years.
You wanna stretch low six figures that long? With inflation? Marriage is a serious commitment.
I will not let you go into it for the wrong reasons.
Go to Evergreen Assisted Living.
Plenty of men 80 or older.
They'd write you into their will for a hand job.
I'll give you 100 bucks.
Don't insult me.
I'm giving you the benefit of my years of experience.
I single-handedly solved the homeless problem in this country.
You should've seen where these people were when I found them.
They've come so far, because I helped them reach their full potential.
They just don't know that you're ripping them off! Different family.
Same fuckin' Frank.
Save your money, Freckles.
Maybe one day you can buy your beau a new spinal cord.
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) (CELL PHONE RINGS) - Yo.
- What's going on over there? I'm cleaning up dog shit.
How much we clear? Look, uh, the system's down.
You think they're on to us? No, no, no.
The website just went back online.
It probably just crashed.
(JOAQUIN) Okay, well, let me know when it's back up.
All right.
I'm on it.
Come on.
That's it.
Russian news.
He's forcing her again.
(MAN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN) (YVON YELLING) (MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN ON TV) (SVETLANA MOANING) (SPEAKING RUSSIAN) (SVETLANA MOANING) (KNOCKS) You got a minute? Hey, what's up? I want to get married so I can keep Franny.
But they won't let me do it without consent, and fuckin' Frank won't do it, but it can be a parent or a guardian.
I know you hate me right now, but I I'll do it.
You will? Here.
It's not what I want for you, but if this is what you want It is.
I care about him a lot, and whatever I have to do You don't have to do a thing.
It's like I told you.
It's your life.
It's your choices.
Oh, thank you, Fiona.
Fiona.
For you.
Some dude from the bank.
I gotta take this.
Hi, this is Fiona.
Well, I appreciate that, but 80,000 isn't enough.
I need the 100,000.
Well, is there anything that I can do? I promise that I Okay.
Thanks.
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) (MAN, INDISTINCT) - What's going on? - DEA.
They got us for that thing with the Hepatitis drugs from India.
Well, how long till we're up and running again? We're shut down.
What, for good? Yeah, unless the Justice Department lets Gene put a server in his cell at Leavenworth.
Fuck me.
Dude.
Hey, dude.
It's just an internship.
You'll get another one.
Big Pharma can kiss my ass! You! You! Take care of Rocky.
Take care of Rocky! Fuck am I supposed to do with her dog? Doesn't look like much of a brawler, but you could take him to the dog fights.
Worst thing that happens, you bury the pieces.
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) Shouldn't you be packing? - I'm not going.
- Why the hell not? I'm getting back together with Dom.
Gonna go get her some flowers.
Get in.
Not if you're gonna beat the crap out of me.
Get in the damn car.
(SIREN WAILING) There.
Give some space, please.
Back up.
What's your name? Mariana, I I thought a hearse was only supposed to go - 5 miles an hour! - Look, she came out of nowhere.
Police will be here in a minute.
I got a body in the back.
I'm late for a funeral.
- (MARIANA) Ow! - Back up, sir.
Back up.
Conscious and lucid.
Open compound fracture on her right femur.
Contusions over her upper body.
Distended abdomen.
Possible pneumothorax.
No obvious spinal displacement.
Why don't you just go ahead and put me in the hearse? Hey.
You're not dying.
(SUE) All right.
Let's immobilize her.
(SIREN WAILING) (AMBULANCE SIREN WAILING) (CHUCKLING) Yes - Yes, yes, yes, baby.
- (CAT MEOWS) Hey, Etta.
You okay? Oh, McMahon's been up moaning half the night.
He gets so sad when he's sick.
He needs his mama.
Yes.
So I heard from the bank.
They'll give me a loan for 80 grand.
For what? For the Laundromat.
The lease.
You'd give me 80,000 for this place? I never thought it was worth that much.
(CAT MEOWS) Do you remember our conversation yesterday? Of course I do.
You said that you'd sell it to me.
I know what I said.
And I'm gonna let you live upstairs, remember? So I got a term sheet here.
I just have to write the number in.
Give it here.
And where do I sign? Right there.
It's all yours.
Starting two large bore IVs.
I promised my son I'd be home in time to tuck him in.
- (MARIANA) If I die - You're not dying.
Listen, you're gonna have to tell him something for me, okay? You promise? Promise me! I promise.
Boa noite, meu anjinho.
Try to relax.
Please, he's gonna know what it means.
Boa noite, meu anjinho.
Papai do papai do Céu vai cuidar (MONITORS BEEPING) Pressure's dropping! BP 60 over 40.
Stay with me, Mariana.
- How far are we? - Two minutes.
She's probably bleeding out.
Go! (ENGINE REVVING) Come on.
Talk to me.
(MONITOR DRONING) (POLICE SIREN WAILS) Carl.
Meet Shit Head.
Shit Head, meet Carl.
Dad.
I'll let you kids get to know each other.
Wait.
Carl, the dude who trimmed his dick? Damn, I wouldn't let anyone within ten feet of my junk with a knife.
- You're not circumcised? - Hell, no.
I don't mind it anymore.
You know she's got gonorrhea, right? (DOG BARKING) Thought you were off today.
Hey, yeah, no.
Now I need the extra hours.
Hey, uh, you know any place I could keep Rocky? Hmm.
I could put him up front.
How long you need me to watch him? Oh, just till my ex-boss gets out of prison.
Hey, you, um you think we could just pretend like the last 24 hours never happened? Why would I do that? You've been kind of a dick.
Yeah, I, uh I have this habit of falling into relationships, you know, and I'm-I'm just I'm trying really hard not to repeat old patterns.
(SIGHS) I don't have time for drama in my life.
I won't make any.
You can keep it fun and casual? Absolutely.
Yeah.
You know, I, um I could casually go down on you later? (CHUCKLES) You know, and I promise that I won't flip out, no matter how many times we have to change the sheets.
You know, me and my, um magic cock, we're, uh, ready to go.
I'm off at 9:00.
Okay.
Bring your tongue.
Ooh ooh (TV ANNOUNCER) Watch this play again in the web replay.
(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) Good day, former Gallagher.
And Liam.
Highlights.
You don't get the sports package? You should come to my house.
Ten games on at once.
Get out, Frank.
You put three words together! I told the doctors that fetal alcohol syndrome wouldn't wreck your brain.
What do you want? The shovel that belongs to me.
I got some planting to do.
What's this? Military school.
Well, that's a great idea.
And you can join the Army.
Travel halfway around the world and build roads and hospitals for people who want us dead.
I don't know if I should go, though.
Want to grow up to be a man.
Definitely can't learn that from you.
Well, the first rule of manhood is to provide for your family, and believe me, my family's well provided for.
They appreciate their father.
I got a 50-inch TV and a massage chair that's got your name on it.
It's right down the street.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
(TV ANNOUNCER CONTINUES) When the picture pops into your head You got to shoot it like a soldier Why you have phone if you do not answer? Where have you been? Wanted to think out how to say this.
Say what? We know about Yvon.
- How did you find out? - Does it matter? He threatened to cut my fingers off if I told you we were married.
He even showed me the cleaver he would use.
Hold up.
Did you say "married"? Yes.
Yvon is husband.
Not father.
You knew this.
- So you didn't fuck your dad? - Not since I left Russia.
You're married to someone else? When them voices coming in through the walls They're all telling you to get up You're a flash straight to the top It's time to give Hey! Ask me how my day was.
- I'm really not in the mood.
- It was fucking awesome.
Ask me why.
I bought the Laundromat across the street.
Look, uh, I'm gonna finish cleaning up.
How about you go help set up for Carl's party? I'm serious.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY) Okay.
What'd that set you back about? 80 grand.
But I'm getting a loan.
What collateral? The house.
Yeah, you don't You don't own the house.
It's in my name.
Yeah, but it belongs to all of us.
It's in my name.
Fiona, you're gonna risk the house? No, 'cause I'm gonna make every payment.
What the fuck do you know about running a Laundromat? What the fuck did I know about running a diner? This dump had no place to go but up.
The Laundromat's a great business.
No employees.
No spoilage.
It's a great investment too.
It's only gonna increase in value once I fix the place up.
I'm gonna turn it into a scene, like I told you.
You were into it.
I got a plan.
I don't give a shit about your plan.
Why not? How about "way to go, sis" or "I believe in you"? Is that so fucking hard? You're making a huge mistake.
How huge? Huh? Like blowing a grant and getting kicked out of college? That huge? There's the chair.
Heh-heh-heh.
Don't you let anybody tell you that Daddy didn't provide.
Hmm? Hey.
Line up to see how you did.
(LOUD THUMPING) Is there somebody in my room? Ah, you found our emergency fund.
It's great, isn't it? So we're covered if they ever come and try to take the house away again.
Or if, uh, New Lip gets into college.
Right, son? What are you doing? Wait a second.
Okay.
Hold on.
Come on! We're family.
Will you tell them, New Monica? My name's Delores.
(FRANK) I was keeping it safe for us! So the fucking IRS wouldn't get Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Come on.
No! (YELLING) (LOUD THUDDING) All right, this is for Carl, so let's just pretend like we're having a good time.
- Where is everything? - Don't look at me.
I asked Debs to take care of it.
I need help getting Neil inside.
Where the hell's the banner? The the cake? - Ian said you'd do it.
- Where the fuck is he? He was supposed to get back from work two hours ago.
You couldn't have just handled that? I didn't ask to play Mom, all right? (DEBBIE) Neither did she.
Is anyone gonna help me with Neil? Bad news.
We don't have a party for you.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I'm not sure if I'm gonna go.
What? Wait, what what do you mean? 'Cause of Dom? No.
What if they haze me? You're way tougher than they are.
Yeah.
Seems hard.
All of it.
You did juvie, no problem.
I mean, you let someone hack your dick.
What could be harder than that, right? (FIONA) Gallaghers are a lot of things, but no one says we back down from a challenge.
Yeah.
(FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC) Yes? I couldn't save someone.
She died right in front of me.
She wanted me to tell something to her kid.
I I don't even know what language it was.
You're the only person I wanted to tell.
My roommates aren't here.
These are hands I don't, uh know how to do this.
I'll show you.
You don't need that.
You can't get an STD off a silicone cock.
No, it's for me.
I'm a top.
I am too.
I'm not getting fucked in the ass.
I'm not either.
(BOTH LAUGHING) This boy, Bobby, with me Into town You took his friend Mr.
Charlie Brown His mama took him To see the flowers Yeah yeah yeah (POLICE RADIO CHATTER) Hey, Sergeant Winslow.
Wanted to make sure you got on that bus.
Even if I had to handcuff you to it.
No, no, no, you don't.
Are you ready? No.
I'm going, though.
I think I need to.
I need some direction.
I'm not good at school.
Not good at sports.
Definitely don't want to be back on the corner.
One thing I do know is I can take a punch and hit harder back.
Hopefully, I can put that to some use.
Call.
Email.
Don't make me come down there and embarrass the hell out of you.
I'm proud of you.
(ROUSING ROCK MUSIC) I'm gonna come back a man.
How long you think he'll last? A week.
Four hours.
I need to make sure some punk doesn't have his hands down my daughter's drawers.
I'm gonna go start Neil's dinner.
- Sound good? - I'm hungry.
Heading home? Patsy's.
Well, it's not too late.
You can still back out of that loan.
(UNCERTAIN DRONE MUSIC) (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) (BOY) Hey! Fresh meat! We're gonna fuck you up.
Anyone else wanna haze me? (CARL) Huh? Didn't think so.
I think the gods are trying to trick me With visions of mother and son