That '70s Show s07e06 Episode Script

Hi, honey.
Welcome home from work.
Oh, god, I love saying that.
It's much better than saying, welcome home from loitering at the head shop.
Oh, my god, hyde.
Five seconds have gone by, and you haven't ripped off your tie, or as you refer to it, "the yoke of oppression.
" Yeah, forgot I was wearin' it.
Would you look at that? The dancing bear has become accustomed to his cage.
Why would you put a dancing bear in a cage? He's entertaining you, give him some room.
No, fez, what she's saying is that hyde is becoming a money-grubbing corporate zombie.
Did you hear that, steven? We're gonna be rich! No, we're not, jackie.
I hate the man.
I'm still dedicated to kicking his ass.
I'm just doing it from the inside, where I get a pension and dental and stuff.
Oh, don't worry, honey.
You're still a rebel.
Give me two years, I'll have him speaking french and writing thank-you notes.
hyde's growin' up so fast.
It seems like just yesterday, we were swipin' "playboys," trenchin'old man shinsky's yard and cuttin' the brakes on fat marvin's bike.
I don't remember trenching old man shinsky's yard.
Oh, that's 'cause you didn't approve.
I think your exact words were, "that guy's worked hard on his yard.
" What's wrong with me? Yeah, I don't want to wake up in 20 years and realize that I haven't harassed enough grouchy old men.
And I don't want to wake up in 20 years and realize this was all a dream.
Wouldn't that be weird, if none of this was real? Okay, now I'm starting to freak out a little.
You know what? I want to trench a yard.
Just not if it's one of those pranks that involves heights or touching bugs.
I'm not--I-I I won't touch a bug.
No, you just park your car on someone's yard, and then you step on the gas, throw it in drive, and tear up the lawn.
Then you go get fries and talk about how awesome it was.
You know what, you guys? I'm gonna trench old man shinsky's yard.
In fact, I'm gonna trench that yard like no yard has been trenched in the history of yard trenching.
Are you with me? - Whatever.
- Yeah.
I said, are you with me?! - Whatever.
- Yeah.
yeah! That's what I like to hear.
That 70's show - Saison 7 Episode 06 "Rip this joint" What are those for? oh, no.
What did you do? Why did you have to wear something so revealing? It's just a friendly party, for pete's sake.
This party's not for pete.
It's for kitty, dummy.
They've been arguing all the time lately.
Last night they did two hours on "I know you are, but what am I"? Did someone say party? There's no party.
Right, kitty? Yes, there is a party, red.
Didn't you wonder why I bought all that liquor? Honestly, no.
Hey, thanks for inviting us to your party, Mrs.
Forman.
We can't stay, though, 'cause eric's gonna trench a coat.
A trench coat.
Kitty, how could you have a party without telling me? Maybe it's because every time she tells you, you go through five stages anger, fury, rage, super rage, and, finally, cursing god for bringing you into this world.
I've been there.
Why did you do it?! So what's the occasion, kitty? According to "cosmo"'s latest quiz, I have medium to lowself-esteem.
So the article suggested that I should throw a party in celebration of me.
I've done that.
I've done that.
- You've have, too? - Isn't it fun? - Yeah.
- I know.
okay, guys, I've been thinking about this trenching thing, and it's a little boring.
But I think I've figured out a way to forman-ize it.
You mean, make it more boring? No, I don't.
I mean, I'm going to get out of the car, moon old man shinsky and then trench the yard.
That's right.
You've all now been witness to the invention of the "moon 'n' trench.
" I don't know, eric.
It seems risky.
I mean, you're not fast, you're uncoordinated, and you're easily tripped.
I mean, if you get out of the car, you're a dead man.
Not with me backin' him up as his first lieutenant.
Oh, um, actually, you're not my first lieutenant.
Donna's my first lieutenant.
I went from fiancée to first lieutenant? What a year.
How could you pick a girl over me? Kelso, remember when we put eggs in sister mary catherine's mail slot, and you were the getaway driver? And when we needed to get away, you had left to get ice cream? I was the getaway driver, and I got away.
Man, you've got forman, kelso, an old man and a naked butt.
This could go the kind of wrong people write books about.
I can't believe I'm not goin'.
Oh, that's right.
See, steven decided he'd rather hang out with his father at kitty's grown-up cocktail party.
I'm hyde.
I'm goin' to a cocktail party.
I'm hyde.
I'm going to a party with cocktails.
what the hell are you guys doing? I don't know, but it's funny.
Kitty, who are all these people? Well, they're my friends.
I never introduced you because I know you don't care.
Thanks.
Hey, W.
B.
, Come on in.
Hey, steven.
I thought I had the wrong night.
You white folks throw a really quiet party.
Yeah, wait till they bring out the onion dip.
All hell breaks loose.
I want you guys to meet my dad.
This is william barnett.
He owns a chain of record stores.
He's rich.
Jackie, I don't know if I'd say-- ah, what the hell, yeah, I am.
And, W.
B.
, This is bob, who's also done some work in retail, and midge, who's also been to some stores.
It's true.
Steven, you didn't tell me your father was so handsome.
Hey, what about me? Well, you didn't tell me either.
Okay, hello.
Hello.
Let's kick off kitty fest with a little game.
How about hide-and-go-to-sleep? When I blow this whistle pair up with someone and tell an anecdote about me.
When I blow it again pair up with someone else, and the person who tells the cutest story will get a special mention in my christmas newsletter.
That's a prize? Now since there are an odd number of people here, I'm afraid one unlucky person is going to get left out of the fun.
I'll fall on that grenade.
Good night, everybody.
Okay, you guys, let's see if I have everything I need for the moon 'n' trench.
Car, check.
Lawn, check.
Creamy white butt,check.
eric, wait.
If you moon old man shinsky, you're not gonna have time to pull up your pants.
You can't run back to the car with them around your ankles.
- You think I shouldn't do it? - No, hell, no.
I think you should do it pantsless.
Eric, he's right.
I mean, you can barely run with your pants on.
The pants come off.
Oh, great.
Everybody's on board when eric wants to take his pants off, but when I do it, we have to leave the restaurant.
It's go time.
What's going on here? That's my butt! Whoo! Lock, donna.
Now for the trench.
what-- what's goin' on? We're not movin'.
Oh, man, you dropped your transmission.
In english, donna,in english.
Your car no go.
I'm calling the police! Wait, I am the police.
They can't catch me here.
We gotta go.
I gotta stay with the car.
We don't.
Oh, man.
Donna, what are we gonna do? I love you, eric.
No, don't leave me.
Oh, kelso.
Buddy, thanks.
I knew you'd come back.
Oh, I'm not really back.
Since you didn't make me first lieutenant, I'm just here to say, I got his pants! you are right, phyllis, I am a talented mimic.
"hi, I'm johnny carson, and I'm on tv.
" Uh-oh, time to switch.
well, it's you and me.
This should be fun.
So, hum you take out the trash.
No.
I gotta do that, then.
Oh, this is terrible.
Have we run out of things to talk about? Oh, no, no.
Let me see I saw a squirrel in the yard today.
I love that squirrel.
I've been feeding him peanuts Well, that explains why he took the poison right out of my hand.
Jackie, I don't know what's going on with me.
I just got paired up with this book keeping guy who told me a story about accounts receivable.
Not only did I know what he was talking about, I suggested he make a flowchart.
Oh, my god, you are so sexy right now.
Say "flowchart" again.
Kitty, kitty, that was the third whistle, and midge and W.
B.
Still haven't switched.
Look at her laughing at him.
He's not even funny.
I haven't once heard him say,"knock knock.
" Okay, wait, I have a good one.
"Knock knock.
" Damn it.
I'm not gonna stand for you throwing yourself at every guy you meet.
Midge, We're goin' home.
Until you're ready to trust me, I'm not goin' anywhere.
In fact, I'm leaving.
Where are you going? To lock myself in your bathroom.
What's wrong with your bathroom? I can't go there.
There's too many painful memories of sexy showers with bob.
See, I told you people do that.
look, man, please don't call my dad.
If he hears about this, he's gonna kill me.
And I don't mean figuratively.
He will literally kill mewith his bare hands.
He will kill me like he has killed oh-so-many squirrels.
Settle down.
You're 18.
I'm not gonna call your dad.
I want my daddy.
Donna.
- They said I could visit you for ten minutes.
- It's good to see a friendly face.
Jail's no place for me, Donna.
I'm too pretty.
Eric, you're gonna be fine.
Plus, I brought something that you really need.
- Tell me it's pants.
- Ooh, Crap.
I knew I forgot something.
But how do "milk duds" sound? Kinda like they won't cover the lower half of my body.
All right, visiting hours are over.
Fine.
He's cranky anyway.
All right, kelso, awesome, get me out of here.
Shut up, punk.
You know, around here we have a saying.
Is it, "everyone down.
Kelso's got a gun"? No.
It's "kelso gets to be first lieutenant.
" But now, sir, you are a criminal, and you will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of my imagination.
Midge? Please come out so you can talk to bob.
I can't do that, kitty.
You mean you don't know how? The lock is on the doorknob.
No, I mean I'm not coming out, but thank you, I see it now.
- I want to go to sleep.
- Me too.
Well, I wanted one night that was just about me, and now everything's about midge.
It's not enough that she's got legs up to here, and the you-know-what's out to you-know-where.
Now she's gotta upstage me on my big night.
Well, you just get over yourself, lady.
You know, I never thought I'd be saying this.
But how's about you and me get a motel room? I'd like that.
okay, I'm starting to shake off this whole flowchart thing.
I can't remember what a flowchart is.
Can't even remember what I just said.
Hey, which one of you jerks put this tie on me? Steven, focus.
You're a businessman.
You love work and money and me.
Hold on to that.
Oh, you know what? You're gonna forget.
I'll write it down.
Oh, you guys missed a glorious trenching.
Eric's tiny butt gleaming in the moonlight, shining brighter than the brightest star.
It was like a Disney movie.
Yeah, eric's rear end is white.
I can't even tell if he's wearing underwear.
Tonight, in that jail cell, he's gonna glow like a little lightning bug.
Forman's in jail, and I spent my entire night at a cocktail party? I gotta go break some laws or I'm never gonna forgive myself.
Hey, which one of you jerks put this tie on me? I know what you're thinkin', punk.
Is that gun real or fake? Well, the gun is green.
But it's also plastic, so it's anyone's guess.
Well then you have to ask yourself one question, punk-- do I like being squirted with grape juice? - Well, do you? Yeah? - Okay, quit it.
- You're gonna be all sticky.
- Thank you.
Okay, Mr.
Shinsky, Once you've identified the culprit, you can file a formal complaint.
Oh, that's him.
I'd recognize that creamy-assed moron anywhere.
Oh, yeah, he was there, too.
What, me? No, no, no, no.
I was undercover, infiltrating the underworld trenching world.
And it goes a lot deeper than you might think.
The whole middle school might be involved.
Okay.
In you go, kelso.
Aw, no, you're putting me in jail? Maybe a few hours in the can will give you a new respect for the law.
But that's the thing, it won't.
I hope midge isn't going through my medicine cabinet.
I've got some pills in there, and they are not for amateurs.
What's going on? Your loony mother has locked herself in my bathroom.
I'll handle this.
Mom, the lock is on the doorknob.
That's it, midge.
Come out now or I'm kickin' down the door.
If you kick down that door, you're gonna have to put it back up.
You take the fun out of everything, red.
Mom, if you won't come out, will you at least let dad come in there? how could you think I was flirting with another man? maybe I overreacted.
You're a beautiful woman.
So are you, bob.
What the hell are they doing in there? All right, I'm sorry about tonight.
You just really hurt my feelings when you didn't make me first lieutenant on the shinsky job.
I'm sorry, too.
I guess I never realized how seriously you take imaginary ranks assigned by your friends.
Well, now you know.
Well, after a long night of hashing things out, we all decided that my parents are better off apart, so we took my mom to the airport this morning.
She headed back to california? I hope so.
I taped the ticket to her purse.
You're coming home in your underwear again? I'm gonna paint some damn pants on you.
Okay, but in my defense, this time I took off my pants by choice.
I don't know where we went wrong with you.
We take you to church, we try to raise you to be a decent human being, and yet you turn out to be a bottomless deviant.
Okay, red, the shower's running.
You promised.
Stick my eggs in the oven.
I'll be back in five minutes.
Freeze, punk, freeze! Hi.
What are you in for? Let's just say old man shinsky's yard has been professionally trenched.
Did the rose bushes, too.
It's sort of my calling card.
Ah.
This feels good.
This feels right.