The Goldbergs s07e06 Episode Script

1 ADULT ADAM: Ah, "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".
Back in the day, college kids loved watching this cult classic on Halloween, except for the one college kid who could never decide what movie to see.
Will you stop being a nightmare on this street and pick a Halloween movie already? But it has to be perfect one part scary, one part thriller-y, and no parts "Gremlins".
Too many rules.
But gremlins only have three rules no bright lights, no water, and no feeding after midnight.
Oh, my God, boring Geoff.
Every time you talk, I feel like I'm reading.
Speaking of, I'm off to the library or what you like to call the book zoo.
It's Halloween.
Take a break from studying and see a movie with me.
Sorry, dude, but this conversation was my study break.
Plus, watching Barry eat popcorn is the real horror show.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I didn't know there was a new "Rocky" movie! Dope, that's not Rocky Balboa.
That's "Rocky Horror".
So the Italian Stallion fights a werewolf? It is the boxer's natural enemy, after Mr.
T's and Russians.
No, it's a spoof of horror movies, but with the singer Meat Loaf.
While I love his passionate vocal range, he's more loaf than meat.
Rocky would own him.
That's because it's not "Rocky".
This one has singing and dancing and audience participation.
Ew.
I'm in.
And so Barry decided to give "Rocky Horror Picture Show" a shot, and to his surprise, he kind of dug it.
After all, he got to throw stuff and make tons of noise [NOISEMAKERS BLARE.]
and play with water guns and chuck toilet paper.
This is the best "Rocky" movie ever.
And even though he still thought it was a "Rocky" movie, Barry was obsessed.
A jump to the left Oh! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day ADULT ADAM: It was October 30, 1980-something, and one of our family's most legendary, terrifying, and 100% true stories was about to take place.
It's showtime! Is this a Halloween costume or one of your everyday dumb things? It's Beetlejuice.
Hey! My bagel! Watch it, beetle bug.
Sorry, but I'm a reckless spirit who causes havoc.
I'm a hungry spirit that pays the bills, so shut up.
Beloved family, look at these old, dusty and therefore priceless fancy French paintings I bought at a garage sale.
Oh, boy.
I just discovered why art is important.
You paid for that crap? I could paint better butts.
You know, I'm glad you said that, because there's a couples painting class at The Learning Annex I love 'em.
Put 'em up.
Great! Adam, be careful on the stairs.
Don't be a clumsy gorkus and smash into them.
I love you, but you're a gorkus.
Hey, Bevy, the boy's no Gregory Hines, but he knows how to work a staircase.
I just defended you, ya gorkus! Look at these treasures.
- Aren't they lovely? - They're butts.
Yeah, those dusty old butt paintings were there to stay that is, until day turned to night and strange things started to happen.
Adam, I told you to stay off the stairs! Adam, you moron! But I wasn't on the stairs.
In fact, no one was.
[GASPS.]
Murray, that wasn't Adam.
He just walked in dressed as an old Hawaiian lady.
I'm Weird Al.
I only changed my costume 'cause there's another Beetlejuice at school.
I let Zach Rosen have the win.
His parents are getting divorced.
Thanks for that journey, but if it wasn't you, how did that picture fall? Something's not right here, something beyond the scope of our understanding.
She was right.
Something was up, something otherworldly and not quite [OMINOUS CHORD PLAYS.]
That was my accordion.
What a haunting sound, huh? Yep.
Those paintings were creepy.
But when the clock struck midnight, things got truly terrifying.
[PAINTING CLATTERS.]
Murray, wake up.
Something's going on downstairs.
It's probably just a burglar.
Go back to bed.
But she was too freaked out to sleep, so she made my dad go check it out, and this is how he explained it.
Yeah, it's just the house settling.
But an hour later, another one fell.
- [CLATTER.]
- [GASPS.]
And my dad found a new reason why.
Wind did it.
- [GASPS.]
- But the paintings just kept falling.
Tiny earthquake.
Army ants.
Magnets.
Meteor shower.
Wall raccoon.
Local train derailment.
Local volcano.
Army ants again.
Local youths who were on the train that derailed earlier.
While my dad thought he had all the answers, my sister was trying to memorize them for her next test.
Having fun with that thing? Oh, you know it.
Had a brief scare with the phone cord, but it's been smooth sailing since the rug.
Good Hallow's Eve, sister.
- Geofferson.
- What do you want? I'd very much like to host an intimate gathering to celebrate the passing of October.
A Halloween party? I love it.
That's way better than my idea.
We shall burn this dorm to the ground.
It's not happening.
But you're the one who's always saying how important it is for me to make new college friends.
The word I used was "impossible".
Well, it won't be when it's "Rocky Horror"-themed.
Oh, that sounds like a good time to consider how Erica might feel about it.
There isn't gonna be a party, because I have a chem midterm to study for, and so do you.
Then we're in full agreement.
- [CLAPS HANDS.]
- Good talk.
Barry, there will be no ragers, no bashes, no shindigs, hootenannies, soirées, amusements, teas, galas, festivities, or functions of any kind.
I hear you loud and angry.
But he really didn't.
Geoff soon discovered that Barry didn't care - what Erica thought.
- Oh, no.
Yep, Big Tasty's "Rocky Horror" party was very much on Oh, no.
and very well advertised.
Oh, cuss word, no! Oh, cuss word, yes, my high-strung friend.
Barry, y-you can't! And yet I have.
I'm also doing this.
Oh, no! This sweet autumn breeze will be the end of me! As Geoff freaked out about Barry's party, things got even freakier back home.
Somebody slashed my art.
Yep, this 100% really happened.
You know what that means, don't you? We have a ghost, and that ghost hates butts.
Stop! There's no such thing as ghosts! Of course there is! There's Large Marge from "Pee-wee's Big Adventure", the poltergeist from "Poltergeist", and Blinky, Inky, Pinky, and Clyde from "Pac-Man".
Those are some very compelling examples, Murray.
Examples of things that aren't real.
It's obviously a spirit with unfinished business trapped in the realm of the living.
- Obviously.
- Ghosts aren't real! Our mailman's niece ignored a scary ghost who frightened her so badly that her hair turned bone-white, and now she has to play Mrs.
Santa Claus at a year-round Christmas store.
It's hard to argue with that iron-clad evidence, eh, but let me try no ghosts! Adam, we have to get to the bottom of this.
On it! You got the fear, I got the gear.
We were haunted, probably, which finally gave me reason to say this.
I ain't afraid of no ghost.
I mean, a little, but let's do this.
And so we scoured the house from this side of the dining table to that side, until finally my mom felt an icy presence.
Adam, right here.
I'm getting chills and goose bumps right here under this vent.
Will you two knuckleheads stop yakking about ghosts? I'm trying to watch the Eagles blow a lead.
How could you be watching sports right now? A departed soul is interplaying with our world.
Yeah, it's not.
To be clear, you would never believe in anything that couldn't be explained? - Of course not.
- Interesting.
So, if I came into the den and touched this wall during an Eagles game, that wouldn't bother you even a little? Bup, bup, bup! Keep your hands off my lucky wall.
[CROWD GROANING ON TV.]
Tony Franklin misses the extra point! He's Mr.
Automatic! What have you done?! So you do believe in things that can't be explained, but only when it suits you.
Don't turn this around on me.
We all know my lucky wall has been a great part of the Eagles' success for years.
But ghosts are hooey.
And you still haven't explained all those ripped butts.
Yeah, Murray, the butts! I can explain it.
Oh, I can explain it with science.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHING.]
Oh! Science! [LAUGHING.]
Oh-ho-ho! What, was math busy? - [LAUGHS.]
- I'm gonna go wash your beakers.
My dad wasn't gonna take this sitting down, so he went straight to my science teacher, Doc Katman.
You're gonna help me prove there's no such thing as ghosts.
A real-life science adventure?! I'm in! As my dad was seeking answers, Geoff was hiding Barry's party from Erica.
It's sweet of you, but you don't have to walk me home from class.
Hey, I insist.
You know, I want to make sure that you get where you need to get and see Wow! Would you look at that?! It's a cloud.
Looks like a misshapen ball.
- Wow.
- It happened.
We're out of things to say to each other.
Oh! Hey, would you look at me when you talk to me? What the hell, man? I just love you so damn much.
I just want to lock eyes as we walk so I can drink in this beauty.
That's kind of nice, but how are we gonna see where we're going? Oh, good point.
I should blindfold you and take you to this super-secret romantic spot that I just thought of.
Wow, I'm so spontaneous! What are you doing? You know you burn easily! Where is he? Make sure you cover every square inch of space on that board.
Trust me, Big Tasty, when I'm done, no one at this college will be able to find a dog sitter, guitar lessons, or the hotline to call when negative thoughts are taking over.
Hey, uh, just so we're clear, how long do I have to wear this heavy thing? As long as it takes to catch the eye of everyone on campus.
And you should be moving around more.
Start jogging.
Move those little legs.
You got it, Big Tasty.
And you not saying thanks is thanks enough.
Naked Rob, where the hell is my skywriter? Nowhere, because it costs $3,000 and I'm still technically a boy.
Totally unacceptable.
I agree! You are the worst roommate/brother/dumbass ever! Way to rat me out, Geoff.
You're uninvited to the party I'm definitely still having.
Damn it, Barry.
When are you gonna learn that college isn't all about partying? When are you gonna learn that college is not all about studying? I have to study.
I can't afford to screw up again.
Well, I can't afford to not have this party.
Don't you staple that flier.
- Or what? - Guys, come on.
There's gotta be a way to handle this.
Too late! I'm stapling it.
No! Ohh, no! [STAPLE GUN FIRES.]
Oh, God, it's in the meat! What the hell, man? You just stapled my boyfriend! I'm holding a staple gun! He knew the risks! Ugh! Aah! Whoa! Ow! Ow! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
- We gotta break this up! - Ow! Ow! Don't worry, everyone.
They're related.
It's totally normal.
And that dude getting housed by his sister is having a Halloween party tomorrow.
Damn right I am! - No, you're not! - Ohh! Ow! Ow! Ow! After their public throwdown in the quad, the dean called Barry and Erica in for a private meeting.
We take fighting very seriously.
Oh, God, will this go on our permanent records? - Are you a student here? - Boyfriend of a student.
- That's not anything.
- And yet it's all I got.
- Look, Dean Dean - Oh, actually, I'm no longer a dean with the name Dean.
I've been promoted to "Executive Student Administrator".
You get a raise? It was just a title bump, but it's quite prestigious.
Dean Dean got nothing.
Look, what my idiot brother is trying to say is we're sorry and we'll cancel this insane Halloween party.
- No, we won't.
- Oh, oh, no.
- Here we go.
- I missed my window to leave.
Look, I just thought it'd be fun to put down the books and blow off some steam, you know? - You make a good point.
- What? - He does? - I do? Students need an outlet.
And, uh, I happen to be a bit of a "Rocky Horror" fan myself.
I played Frank-N-Furter in high school, in my living room, wearing my mother's It doesn't matter.
But you're an educator.
Grades should be the only thing.
You can't just study all the time, or you'll burn out.
The party is on.
Yes! The lesson is, do whatever you want and it'll all work out.
That's not it at all.
Thank you, Dean Dean.
Even though the school doesn't value you, I do.
Last time, I flunked out because I screwed around too much, and now I'm being punished for taking school too seriously? This is garbage.
Congratulations on your promotion.
- Get out.
- Okay.
And so Barry's bash was a go.
Meanwhile, our mom would stop at nothing to prove we had a ghost.
If this house was haunted when we bought it, they should have disclosed that.
Hey, Jeanine.
It's Beverly Goldberg.
Yeah, listen, when the Wexlers lived here, were any of them violently murdered, becoming apparitions intent on revenge? - Give me that.
- Hey! What the hell? Please welcome Doc Katman.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Why is my teacher here? So I can prove to you once and for all that there's no such thing as ghosts.
Show him the paintings.
Here's my mom's soft-core art.
It's butts.
Go ahead.
Good luck explaining the unexplainable.
There appears to be some wood rot on the frame.
And these hooks seem way too weak for the weight of the picture.
Boom! You've been scienced! Well, how do you explain the rips in the canvas? Possibly when it fell, the impact caused the rips.
Suck on the logic! You do make some interesting points, but perhaps there's another explanation.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
You're not the only one with an expert, Murray.
No, he wasn't, which is why my mom brought in some paranormal backup of her own.
You brought Stevie Nicks? Welcome Karen English, Philly's most famous radio psychic.
No way! It's true.
I've done local TV, as well.
Anyone who's anyone with a haunting sees Karen.
Extremely famous people, who I will not mention because I am discreet.
But let's just say the 76ers paid for my pool.
Celebrities are just like us.
Oh, shh, shh, shh.
I am definitely picking up a presence.
So am I.
It's annoying and wearing a shawl.
I also feel something.
I'm naturally very intuitive.
I could've been a psychic.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Spirit, we mean you no harm.
Please advise us of your intentions.
Ooh.
Very interesting.
Oh, balls.
What is it? Oh, I-I'm sensing, um, an ancient Indian burial ground.
No.
This is a Victorian presence.
Exactly.
An ancient Victorian Indian burial ground.
[SHIVERS.]
I feel the spirit of a young girl.
Jump in any time, Science Guy.
May I ask which method you're using for that hypothesis? I have a tingly feeling.
The problem with feelings is they can't be proven.
Can you prove love? Or is that just a feeling? Great counterpoint, locally famous Karen English.
Actually, you can test love.
It's really a blend of chemicals adrenaline, dopamine Oh, I feel sorry for you.
I guess I am lonely at times.
We all are.
Just when this ghost story couldn't get any weirder What the hell's going on here? something unexplainable happened.
- [GLASS SHATTERS.]
- A glass vase mysteriously shattered.
BEVERLY: Oh, no.
The ghost girl broke my vase.
Oh, the spirit is deeply troubled by something in this room.
I called it! It's the butts! I also knew it was butts.
I didn't want to say anything before, but the butts were very suspicious.
See, Murray? What do you say now? Eh, it's army ants.
Murray, stop blaming the ants.
Why can't you just acknowledge that some things can't be explained? Oh, I can acknowledge one thing that can't be explained why I choose to live in a house of morons.
While my dad refused to believe in the supernatural, Barry was super psyched to spread the word about his school-sanctioned "Rocky" bash until this happened.
An "F"? Uh [CHUCKLES.]
I think you mean "D".
- I don't.
- How did this happen? Did you study? No, but a very prestigious school administrator said I needed a work/party balance.
Did he also say that you will never become a doctor with grades like these? But that's my dream.
Why would he encourage my reckless lifestyle without highlighting the consequences? Well, if I were you, I'd drop everything else and start cramming for the next exam.
I'm hosting an epic rager for the ages tonight.
"Rocky Horror"? What is this nonsense? It's a movie about a mad scientist who's actually an alien cross-dresser who creates a muscle man in his lab.
Just another offensive portrayal of a scientist.
Why don't we ever hear about the well-adjusted scientist who pays his taxes and shows up consistently for his nephew Brandon? Why is this guy walking around in his undies? That's Brad.
He's a doof.
You're a doof.
Damn it, Janet.
Hey, Bar, true or false I crushed the exam.
Oh, here's a hint it's true.
I'm really happy for you, Erica.
Don't be gracious in your pathetic defeat.
So you got one bad grade.
No.
It's not just the test.
I have to cancel the party.
But I thought this was your big chance to meet new people and make new friends, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah.
I've clearly failed at that, too.
Come on.
It's not that bad.
You know, most people who fail out of college at least have fun doing it.
I haven't even had that.
With that, Barry's dreams of an epic party were dead.
Back home, it was time to reach beyond the grave.
In order to send the spirit to its proper afterlife, we need to apologize for disturbing her rest.
It was terrifying but true.
We really did apologize to a ghost.
Beverly, would you like to begin? Dear little ghost girl, I am sorry that I offended you with my priceless and extremely fancy tushy paintings.
And I'm sorry I wasn't offended by the butts and, at times, quite excited by them.
And I'm sorry I clung to logic and reason like the cold automaton all my romantic partners have accused me of being.
- [SWITCH CLICKS.]
- Ooh.
What's this circle of nonsense? It's not nonsense, Murray.
We are talking to the dead ghost girl.
Karen English says we have to apologize.
- You too, Katman? - She's on the radio.
And you're the only one who hasn't done it yet, so You want me to apologize to a ghost? Fine.
Hey, ghost! I'm sorry you have to watch my wife carry on like a crazy person! You know, Murray, I don't care that you don't believe in ghosts, but it really hurts that you're not on my team.
What, this team of crazies you assembled? No.
My team.
You should believe in me.
You know, I haven't washed your filthy Eagles jersey in months because I support your weird stuff.
Not the same.
Of course it is, but it doesn't matter.
I will always back you up.
I wish you'd do the same for me.
Halloween was here, and in this terrifying tale, it wasn't the ghost that shocked everyone.
It was my dad.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I thought you hated candles.
They're good in the bathroom for masking stuff.
You also said no one should spend money on something that's gonna melt into a puddle.
I say a lotta dumb things.
That's why I'm here 'cause I'm sorry.
You're apologizing to me? Not exactly to you.
Hey, ghost! Uh, sorry that I said you were baloney.
I'm even more sorry, though, that I didn't acknowledge my wife's feelings, because I love how passionate she is about the stuff she believes in.
And from now on, I'm gonna be on her team, because we make a great one.
Thank you, Murray.
Could you do me a favor? Could you, uh, talk to the ghost? What are you saying? Do what you do best.
Protect the family and tear that ghost a new one.
Turns out the only way to get rid of a prim and proper ghost was to unleash Beverly Goldberg.
Uh, hey, Victorian girl you're gonna need to get the [BLEEP.]
out of my house Hoo-hoo! or I am gonna sell this house to a family of nudists.
She'll do it! And it's not gonna be the fit, athletic kind of nudists, either.
Oh, no.
There's gonna be bits and bobs flappin' all around the kitchen.
[LAUGHING.]
This is ridiculous.
I love it.
It will be hygienically disgusting.
Give it to 'em, Bevy.
So get the [BLEEP.]
out of my [BLEEP.]
house, you [BLEEP.]
-hating [BLEEP.]
ghost! Shame on you.
With that, my parents put the dead to rest for good.
Meanwhile, Geoff and my sister were helping breathe life back into Barry.
Where are we? This isn't the library.
- Is it? - ERICA: No, dummy.
I didn't want you to miss your party, so I uncanceled it.
Yeah, and it got so big, we had to move it out of your dorm and into this theater.
What?! How'd you do all this? Luckily, I have a boyfriend with no job or school and a lot of time on his hands.
It's true.
I'm lost and not dealing with it.
Why would you do this for me after I publicly handed you your ass in the quad? That's clearly not what happened, but I know how hard college is.
I've been there.
I'm still there.
No one tells you it's gonna be harder than high school.
Literally everyone does.
But I struggled a lot last year, but I came out the other side.
And you will, too.
Look, we both need some balance, so maybe we can help each other find it.
["TIME WARP" PLAYS.]
Oh, JTP? TOGETHER: JTP! - Whoa.
- You coming, buddy? We need our Frank-N-Furter.
Let's Time Warp.
And Time Warp they did.
Thanks to Erica and the JTP, Barry got his epic Halloween bash.
I remember Doing the Time Warp - [CHUCKLES.]
- Ooh, look, Murray a scary ghost.
Yep, the best part about that legendary night was that everyone's differences brought them a little closer together.
Let's do the Time Warp again Let's do the Time Warp again And that's the end of our Goldbergs' ghost story.
We never did find out exactly what caused the paintings to fall.
But sometimes it's the unexplainable that makes life exciting.
- [DOG BARKS.]
- [GARBAGE CAN RATTLES.]
GARLIN: I am with the real Beverly Goldberg.
You had a poltergeist.
One day, we saw the two nudes were lying on the floor.
And he said, "Oh, my God, the kids must have knocked the pictures off the wall".
And then a few days later, we hear a crash, and we run in, and these same two pictures are lying on the ground.
And they were slashed across the rear end.
I happened to know a psychic.
She was on the radio.
She said, "You have a Victorian spirit here".
The spirit is deeply troubled.
I walked through the house room for room and yelled at the spirit, "If you don't wise up Get the [BLEEP.]
out of my [BLEEP.]
house! we are gonna sell this house to some [BLEEP.]
people".
To the people that bought the house from us, you shouldn't be afraid of the dining room.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Trick or Balls! Ohh.
I'm sorry.
[CHUCKLING.]
I wasn't expecting anyone.
It's 8:00 on Halloween! Is it? I kinda lost track of time.
Sweet Legs, why am I sensing negative energy entering our evening? My teacher and the kooky shawl lady? Oh, it's the butt boy.
Why are you here? It's Adam.
And again, it's Halloween.
Why can't you sense that? And, oh, my God, why are you guys wearing matching robes? Let's just say there are some things science can't explain.
This is definitely the scariest thing I've ever seen.