Workaholics s07e06 Episode Script

1 Dude, that environmental film we watched was a mind-blower; I'm serious when I say I feel bad for people who haven't seen it.
Oh, I feel so sorry for the fools that aren't even intelligent enough to follow along with an environmental film.
I mean and I don't want to get into it, but you know what it is? The educational system, and I don't want to get into it.
- Yes, I know.
- Dudes.
The food truck outside, the guy dropped a corn dog on the ground, and then he gave it to me for free, and then he only charged me $2 for the mustard.
Come on, Adam.
Get your head in the game.
We are stocking up for an imminent earthquake tsunami here.
Mm, except for earthquake tsunamis aren't real.
What is real is a "girthquake punani.
" It's a sex move that I made up when you guys were watching dumb environmental films.
It goes like this.
.
Comes in, rolls in.
- Uh - And what, that's your penis? Yeah, that was my penis.
Now the whole house is shaking.
[blubbering.]
Now it chills for a second aftershock, aftershock That is a private moment for your wife.
- Stop it.
- Aftershock.
Educational system at work.
Yeah, what education system, right? - Exactly.
- My goodness.
Hey, Adam, maybe whoa.
I'd be so good at sucking what's up? Adam, next time we're watching an environmental film, you may want to come into the room and, I don't know, try to follow along.
That is, if you even have the attention span.
[both laughing.]
Watch this.
Focus of a laser.
Oh, nothing will break this focus.
Absolutely nothing.
Who wants to play hide-and-seek? Okay, I'll hide first.
Losers! [clattering.]
All right.
I saved the corn dog.
[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box".]
You gotta, you gotta, you gotta Gotta be fresh What do you need a new vest for? What, they're on sale.
They mark it up just to mark it down.
You're still getting robbed.
I'm trying it on anyway.
Shh! I'm hiding! Of course you are, buddy! My friends are coming! Oh, okay, take it easy.
[nervous laughter.]
Hey.
Ow.
They spotted me.
Right, yeah, we were definitely still looking for you.
Let's get out of here, man.
No, I'm not gonna go yet, okay? They they freakin' blew my cover.
So I'm gonna hide again! Start counting.
- Adam, we wanna ah! - Let's go, dude.
Don't! Turn around.
Do not look where I'm hiding.
- Sorry.
- Bless his heart.
- You guys look after him? - Uh, I guess.
I mean, he is a little cuckoo, but, you know.
- Yeah, cuckoo's a way to put it.
- He's insane.
Okay, he's, like, almost split open his head 100 times.
His brain is, like, scramby eggs up there.
Not like we gotta wipe his butt or anything.
Actually there were the last three Super Bowls.
Right, and every St.
Patrick's Day.
A lot of green well, anyway.
My name's Luke Fox, and my associate Mr.
Barnes and I happen to be members of a progressive think tank where we come up with creative ways to help the less fortunate.
- Uh-huh.
- We do that in our spare time.
We're both CEOs of Fortune 500 companies by trade.
Oh, really? Every month we select a brain-damaged teen or adult to experience an all-expenses-paid wilderness adventure at our lodge in Big Bear.
We'd like to invite you guys and Adam to be our guests.
Yeah, and you better bring your appetites, 'cause we eat breakfast for every meal! Yeah, we're in! We'd love to do that.
That's really cool.
And I think it will be a terrific experience for Adam to be exposed to nature.
- And that's - Help, help, help, help! Help me! Ahh! - Hey, Adam.
- Hey.
How was the car ride? Did you see any animals? It was awesome.
I thought I saw a raccoon.
- Oh.
- But it was just a plastic bag.
Sorry we're late, because we didn't have any cell service - so we lost directions.
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
No cell service.
But you get used to it.
It helps you unplug and unwind, yeah.
Let me have your car keys, Case I need to get out the driveway, go to the store.
That's okay.
Just let me know.
I'll move it.
It's a little tricky.
It's easier if I have your keys.
Might have to take multiple trips.
Hate to run out of pancake mix.
[ominous music.]
Yeah, yeah, you don't want to see him when he runs out of mix.
[laughter.]
Don't wanna see that! - Give the man your keys.
- Okay, all right.
- There you go.
Sorry.
- Yeah, come on in.
- We're making breakfast.
- Cool.
Hey, guys, just remember, we're about to rub elbows with some Fortune 500 brothers.
- Ooh! - Behave.
- Gimme some 'bow skin! - Rubbing elbows! Gimme the 'bow! Gimme the 'bow! Rubbing elbows! Rubbing elbows! Can we stop doing that? Unless you ask me to do that.
In which case, can I do that with you guys? - Whoa, this is cool.
- Oh, my God.
Look at those stairs.
[indistinct.]
[camera clicks.]
Who is this gigantic man taking pictures of me? [camera clicks.]
Ah.
I see you've met the final guest for the weekend.
Gentlemen, this is Jim Raines.
- Fresh meat.
Ha ha ha.
- [chuckles.]
Fresh meat.
He's he's fun.
Is that your bathroom? I gotta tinkle.
I had, like, four Don't open that door! Just a little something in there that we're gonna give you at the end of the weekend, and we don't want to spoil the surprise.
I love surprises! Nearest bathroom is right upstairs.
Okay, time me.
Time me! Time me! Time me! - Are you timing? Ders, time me.
- Gentlemen, please.
- Absolutely.
- Please, thank you.
- Very nice.
- This place looks like it cost a billion dollars.
How rich are you? [laughs.]
Okay, Dersy, baby.
Don't be gauche.
What he means is, if there's any secrets to success you could fill us in with, you know, business or women-wise.
It is a guy's trip, huh, after all.
Sure.
I have one.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
- Build a door.
- So you're saying we should open, like, a door store or something? [laughter.]
What? [laughter.]
Is that a no? Psych.
[phone ringing.]
[all chuckling.]
Oh.
Yeah? Yeah.
There are three of them.
Listen, I can't talk right now, but we might need more bullets in case they run.
[dramatic tones.]
- Everything okay? - Everything is great.
Yeah, uh, what was that about the bullets? Sometimes Mr.
Barnes organizes hunting expeditions up here during the week.
I'm sure the call was about that, right? - That's exactly what it was.
- Okay.
- Oh, yeah.
- Makes sense.
Why don't you go put your gear down while we prepare lunch? - Don't you mean breakfast? - Ha! You remembered! Of course I did! How could I forget? [ominous music.]
I'm telling you guys, something isn't right! Yeah, dude, I totally agree.
You heard that guy Barnes on the phone.
He said something about bullets, and then he mentioned three of them.
- [urinating stops.]
- You're being ridiculous.
The weird one probably just huffed too much paint as a kid.
It happens to the best of us.
Something is definitely up and I think it has something to do with that room they wouldn't let Adam into.
- Right, what was that? - Dude, don't.
No.
I'm going downstairs.
I'm gonna snoop around.
- [urinating.]
- Adam.
When are you gonna learn how to piss and talk at the same time? You know, honestly, I don't know.
- [urinating.]
- It's been something that I Oh, my God! Dude! I'm doing it! - Ders, do you hear it? - I do hear it.
That's awesome, man.
Good for you.
You should've taken the call outside.
You almost ruined the whole weekend.
Relax, they didn't know what I was talking about.
We gotta water these plants more often.
They look dead.
These new guns you got serious firepower.
Probably blow their heads clean off.
Well, that won't be necessary.
We kill the small one, that's it.
What about the other two? Might as well.
If we have to.
I'm gonna get more bullets in the garage.
[gun cocks.]
Oh, my God.
[tense music.]
Oh, my God.
Oh! We have to get out of here! They're hunting us for sport! - What? - What? They've got guns, and Adam is the target, And they'll kill us too if they have to.
That's why they invited us here! No, dude, they invited us to rub our elbows.
- And to groom us.
- Exactly.
They're Fortune 500 business dudes, so why would they ever want to help some non-Fortune 500 business dudes? No, no, dude, they hunt the weak.
They drink our blood.
They live forever.
Pretty cool.
500.
Fortune 500.
Oh, my God.
It's years.
They're vampires.
Life is the greatest fortune.
It's 500 years! You're right Okay, well, I'm gonna say it's a misunderstanding and go get breakfast right now, so okay.
- Adam Adam! - You go out there, you're the breakfast! There were corpses, cadavers, animals, hanging everywhere and a little plaque with your name on it where his head was supposed to go.
Oh, yeah, one other thing.
A jar with a human ding-dong in it, dude.
So please stop being stupid and listen to us.
Wait a second.
How big was the ding-dong? Massive.
Like five inches.
Oh, my God, that's why they chose me! Right, 'cause mine's almost that size.
And then they took your car keys, right? - Oh, my God, yes.
- And I know my phone doesn't have service.
Does your phone have service? My cell phone doesn't have service.
Does your cell phone have service? - Nope.
- And you said your phone - doesn't have service, right? - Phone doesn't work.
Does your cell phone have service? - Out of batteries.
- And I said my phone doesn't have service, so what should we do? We're gonna get the hell out of here.
Let's pop this window, man.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Come on! Great call, Ders.
[straining.]
- Just lift.
- Okay.
- You come here.
- Okay.
Okay, that's my that's the back of my nuts.
- Okay.
- That's the front of my nuts.
Remember that tree.
That's our landmark.
I definitely want a penis, but I think I would want, like, both parts, you know? - Dude, perfect.
- Yes! Yes! - A body of water.
- Yes! - Sick.
- Yes, that is That is perfect.
Why is it perfect, though? What do you mean, dude? This is, like, Survivalist 101.
You get into the water, they can't track you, okay? - You disappear.
- Okay, but that water it looks disgusting, so I'm gonna do my own thing.
Adam, you've eaten donuts out of a toilet.
- This water's fine.
- [slurps.]
- Mmm.
Yeah.
Mmm.
- Okay.
Yeah, ooh, very soothing.
It's like a spa day.
We just take ourselves a trip to Bed, Bath, and Bodyworks.
Mm-hmm.
Free sample! Okay, well, I'm gonna loop around and I'll see you on the other side.
Enjoy getting water critters climbing up your binghole, okay? Okay, all right, whatever, A-dumb.
- Good one.
- Dumb.
It's actually really cold.
[classical orchestral music.]
You sure there are only three wolves out there? That's what the ranger said on the phone.
He said the small one might be rabid.
Sheesh.
Well, we better keep that to ourselves, guys, okay? Aah! Get this leech off my tongue! Stop! Told you not to go under the water! What are you talking about? You've got leeches on your eyes.
[both screaming.]
Why didn't you tell me? - Was a - You got one there.
Beautiful walk.
What happened to you two? [lisping.]
What, we just took a couple laps.
Just went swimming.
Not a big deal.
Why are you talking like that? Because Ders ripped a leech off my tongue.
And I think I'm catching a cold.
And that's from the pond, the leech? - No, no, no.
- No, no.
That has nothing to do with it.
Let's go.
Guys! We got pancakes.
Guys? Oh, shit.
Whoa, cool! A random house in the woods! Adam, don't! Don't you get it? Nothing is random.
This is all part of their plan! Yeah, man, you go into that cabin, it is like suicide, dude.
The floor, it opens up, you fall in a bed of spikes! You're dead.
Fatality-style.
So just stay out here and start a fire so we can get warm while we think of a plan to get to safety.
You got matches? You got matches on you? - Check your wet pockets.
- Check the barrel.
There's not gonna be any matches in the barrel There are matches right here.
Always check the barrel of the fire pit for matches to build a fire.
That's, like, the first place you should look.
Well, how come I have to build the fire? And I can't come up with a plan? I can make plans.
Because we just watched an environmental film about surviving an emergency, and you didn't.
Did you? I don't think so.
So just gather some kindling and make a fire, if you even know what kindling is.
Do you even know what kindling is? Do you? Where I grew up, it was little sticks.
You're a [bleep.]
idiot, Anders.
[mumbling angrily.]
[exciting music.]
Oh, dude, what'd the guy do in the environmental flick? Oh, yeah, that's right.
He got to higher ground so he could get spotted by the rescue copter.
- Yes, okay.
- Do that [spitting.]
[slobbering.]
What are you doing? I found an ATV on the side of the house.
What? Are you kidding me? That's great, man! Where'd you find it? Let's get on it! Let's get out of here! Hold on, I wasn't finished.
And then I siphoned all the gas out so I could start the fire more quickly.
- That was all the gas? - Yeah, it was most of it.
I swallowed I swallowed a lot of it.
- You buffoon! - Those guys were right.
I think you do have something medically wrong with your brain.
- What are you talking about? - Should we tell him? Look, the reason we're even on this trip is because those hunter guys think you have brain damage! - [laughs.]
- We didn't want to tell you about it because we didn't want to ruin this trip.
- It's a nice free weekend.
- You're dumb, dude.
It's just what it is.
You guys think that I've been the dumb one of our group since the startening of our friendship.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, since then.
[melancholy music.]
I guess this is goodbye.
Hey, Adam, wait.
I just wanted to say psych! [laughs.]
Oh, my God, keep walking, please.
You're the bully.
He's the dummy.
And I'm just cool, I guess.
[both laughing.]
- Oh, man.
- Speaking of cool.
I have a leech still on my dick.
Oh, that's not cool.
What do you mean? I'm getting my [bleep.]
sucked.
All right! Maybe I'm the dumb one.
Okay, bye, former friends.
Enjoy your environmental films.
Adam, come on.
There isn't any gas.
I know that! I know there's no gas.
And I don't need any.
[grunting.]
He's crazy.
[wolf howls.]
You hear that? We better find these guys before the wolves do.
Let's go.
[dramatic music.]
Listen.
They've got ATVs.
Just a joke to these guys.
Come on, we got to get to higher ground! No.
Adam's our friend.
If we don't fight back, there's no way he's surviving this game.
So are you with me? Fine.
Okay Predator shake? Yeah.
Wait yeah.
What is that? I'm so I don't even know.
Hit me with a beast master.
- That's where I got that.
- Predator, up top.
[dramatic percussive music.]
Okay, here they come.
Just hold on the pants really tight.
Pull, when they drive through, we knock them off the ATVs.
Yeah.
This is a really smart plan.
One, two What the heck was that? - [laughing manically.]
- Yeah! Looks like the script is flipped.
That's right.
Good luck hunting people without any bullets, boys! How's this work? [gunshots.]
Oh! Ow! Yeah, it's okay.
Keep oww! Oh, that really [gunshots.]
- Mm, I think that's it.
- [gunshot.]
- Ow! - Nope, that's not it.
All right, yep, I'm out.
I'm all out.
I'm all out.
- I'm out.
- Back to back.
Back to back.
What the hell is the matter with you? Oh, come on, man.
We're on to you.
We know all about your sick plan.
Hunting humans just because they're not as smart as you.
The heck are you talking about, hunting people? Oh, come on.
The gig is up.
I heard you no the phone saying "the little one is the target.
" I saw the plaque with Adam's name on it where his severed head was supposed to go! We're hunting wolves to protect you! There were three sighted around here, and one of them might be rabid.
The plaque is for his picture.
We make one for every guest of honor.
Okay, okay, so even if this way more plausible explanation is true, what's with this guy here? He has a brain injury from concussions.
He was the first guest of honor here.
Ever since I was in the XFL, I've been in constant pain I'm sorry, did you just say you were in the XFL? Oh, my God, dude! The XFL is legendary, man! Did you know He Hate Me? Did he like you? Would he like me? He Hate Me loved me, but the point is, my life has been a constant torment What team you were on? Were you on the Outlaws? Or were you ooh, Maniax.
You were on the Maniax.
I recognize you.
You are a maniac.
Wolves.
- Oh, you're the Wolves, okay.
- Hey, mad respect.
Not necessarily the Maniax.
They were cool.
- Where is that, Duluth? - No, I think from Washington.
No, no, actual wolves.
Look behind you, you morons! - Oh, wolves! - Oh, oh, oh! I don't want to die, man.
I never got to be Deadpool for Halloween.
Was never in a threesome.
At least one that I was allowed to participate in.
Yahh! Ders, you can still have your threesome, my man.
And Blake, you'll get to do the thing that you wanna do, even though I was too far away to hear exactly what that was.
Here, kitty! Here, kitty, kitty, kitty! Adam, where'd you get the flare, man? I got it from the cabin.
I took a shower and I also ate some peaches.
But while I was eating those peaches, I thought there's no way that I can let my friends be killed by these freaking murderous, villainous businessmen! Because not saving your friends, that really is stupid.
Right, so, uh not actually killer business dudes.
We didn't know.
He didn't know.
Come on, man, throw, like, the flare at the wolves.
Make 'em go away.
Shh.
Adam, Adam, what are you doing? Do not be stupid, okay? Just listen to the intelligent people, for once! There are different kinds of intelligence, Anders.
There's environmental film watching intelligence.
[retches.]
There's artificial intelligence, and there's the kind of intelligence that I have.
The knowing that when you swallow a bunch of gasoline, it'll turn your puke into fireballs.
Intelligence.
[retching.]
Ah, it's worse coming back up.
Okay Shh it's okay, little kitty.
[rock music.]
Ahh! [wolves whimpering.]
[all cheering.]
It worked! The wolves, they're running away! We lied about Adam.
He doesn't actually have any kind of brain problems, but we wanted a free trip, so obviously not even the dumbest guy in our group.
There's no dumb one in your group because you're all equal [bleep.]
idiots.
If we don't get contain this fire, the whole forest could burn.
Wait.
What about that human penis I saw in the jar? Oh, uh shh.
Guys, I have too much money, okay? And with the Internet, forget about it.
So, safe drive, okay? Internet's a weird place, man.
I guess if I had, like, a billion dollars, I might want a dick.
Hey, I think I know what we could watch on the way home.
I still have it on my phone.
The environmental film? That'd be awesome, dude.
Dude, if you liked "Central Intelligence," you'll love this movie.
It's got Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
- He's a he's a mogul.
- Mm-hmm.
- What's it called? - "San Andreas.
" I don't understand.
What'd he say? - "San Andreas.
" - Oh, okay, cool, yeah.
Nice.