8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s07e07 Episode Script

1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
CHEERING Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Jon Richardson, Johnny Vegas, Alex Brooker, Sara Pascoe, Tom Allen, Susie Dent and Claudia Winkleman.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the average adult has 22 square feet of skin? Although, for Simon Cowell, most of that is in a bulldog clip round the back of his neck.
The word dilemma comes from a Greek word meaning "double proposition", as in the phrase, "I have a dilemma for you and your wife.
" And according to the University of Glasgow, there are over 420 Scottish terms for snow.
They include snow-way, pal, I've got snow-money and snow-vegetables for me.
LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
CHEERING Jon is an absolute clean freak and that fact also works if you take out the word "clean".
And Jon's team mate, Alex Brooker.
CHEERING Alex is a presenter on The Superhumans Show, which features all the greatest legends from paralympic sport.
- Well, except for Oscar Pistorius.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh! Up against them this evening, now if you've ever wondered what type 2 diabetes would look like if it came to life and got a job in show business, it's Johnny Vegas! CHEERING Do you know, I actually got invited to talk at a conference on living with diabetes, and I don't have it.
LAUGHTER They just presumed that I would have cos of my girth.
Johnny Vegas there, who doesn't know he has diabetes.
There's nothing wrong with going to the loo 19 times a day.
All right? And I like sugar - it makes me sleepy.
And joining Johnny tonight, it's Sara Pascoe.
CHEERING Sara has recently written a book about the workings of the female body.
Pop-up? You will when you read it.
OK.
Johnny, you are guest captain tonight.
Big responsibility.
Are you up to the job? Of course I am.
I've got a mortgage.
I sat down and made a big list of reasons why to come and be captain and thenthought about living in a tent.
And all we'd be able to afford is a two-manner, and that would mean just me.
My family just circling it in the rain.
Good of you, in that fictional world, not to let them have the tent.
Well, why? If I'm the breadwinner I can't come on Countdown as a captain with flu.
Sara, do you think Johnny's going to make a good team captain? Ermmy hopes are pretty low.
Erm Johnny and I are actually, technically, enemies at the moment - and - How so? Well, the last time I saw Johnny was at a party and he had a quick chat with my boyfriend in the toilets, and then went home with the book I was reading.
- That was my book you took home.
- Was that your book?! - Yes! We got the night bus and I said, "Can I have my book?" He went, "Oh, sorryI had a really lovely chat with Johnny Vegas.
"Isn't he a deep man? "I thought he'd enjoy the book you were reading.
" Can we get to the important fact here? Where was this party and why was I not invited? - It was the QI party.
Have you been on QI? - No.
That's why.
Jon, you've come second in Heat's Weird Crush Poll for the second year in a row.
How do you feel about losing to Jake Wood? Well, actually, I've come second three years out of the last four, and fourth the other year.
And it started off as a bit of a laugh, and I thought it was funny, and now, frankly, they're taking the piss.
Every February it is, so just when you're getting over that new year slump and it's dark, and you've got through January, and you're at your lowest, they say, "Don't worry, women are ashamed to find you attractive.
" Do Heat do the reverse? Do they do the Weird Crush, for girls? No, you can't, these days, can you? It's There was a time I haven't seen The Last Leg for a while, - but I imagine it's changed a bit - Yes .
.
since you went more right wing.
IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Today we're asking, "Why can't you just say weird women are fit?" Alex, do you think you're going to be better at the letters or - the numbers tonight? - Definitely letters.
I'm terrible at maths.
Really, I'm absolutely awful at it.
When I was a kid, I used to have special lessonswith a This is going to sound I used to have special lessons with a neighbour - and there was a - Oh My mum wanted me to pass my 11 Plus and I wasn't quite up to standard in the maths, so I would have to go to the bloke up the road and his wife.
And he'd teach me maths and then, when I'd leave, if I did well, they'd give me a can of Coke and a Twirl, so that's, like, why I'm fat.
And when we do the maths, I'm probably going to cry.
- Okay.
Sara, have you got a mascot? - Well It's not technically cheating but I've brought a hat that enables me to read minds.
Basically, I just point this towards the person whose mind I want to read, then I get the answer, then I write it down, - and that's how we're going to win, Johnny Vegas.
- All right.
Just keep it away from me.
What's Johnny thinking right now? I like being out of jail.
Johnny, have you got a mascot? ErI have.
I've got this little friend because since my other one left me Me and him have some fantastic chats! He'll only let me drink coffee .
.
and he doesn't let me make the life mistakes that I used to Going on TV, selling yourself short! You used to be a cutting-edge comedian! Sort your life out! But it's tricky with the audience cos I'm the only one who can see him.
- Is he drinking meths? - Erm Poteen.
Your missus told me off the other day for giving you poteen.
You did, you got us so d - I'm not allowed to talk about - Yeah, sure, but it was funny.
How many parties are happening?! Well! Get yourself an angry baboon and you'll find out, won't you?! And try making a fucking mess now and again! - AUDIENCE GASPS - Sorry, sorry, sorry! You did a bad thing! Spank that monkey.
He's not a monkey! He's a baboon! For very obvious legal reasons! He's an angry baboon! He likes to climb on cars and snap! - Jon, I'm so Come here.
- Do you want some of my paper, Jon? No, come here, come here.
Just Do you know what? Here you are.
Do you want me to? APPLAUSE That is theyeah.
HE GROANS That is the Wow.
And that's why he normally only comes out when I'm on my own.
Jon, have you got a wet mascot? I mean, I didn't expect to end today thinking, "I really miss Sean.
" Have you heard of a thing called "preppers"? Preppers? People that prepare for the end of the world.
Preparing for the end of the world, yeah.
- They buy a lot of tinned goods - Right.
.
.
and I realised there's a lot of money in selling to these people.
But you don't make a lot of mark up on tinned goods, so I've created a range of products for the middle-class prepper.
Obviously they will miss pesto, so I sell this particular brand of pestle and mortar, which is a stone with another stone on top, but they don't know that, these people.
Then you get some nettles and some tree sap, which I sell in these bottles, and you basically just smash the shit out of it with a rock.
And this is going to be delicious.
These are real nettles and I'm sort of assuming that the olive oil will kill the sting, but we'll find out.
Are you actually going to eat them? I assume there'll be lots of panini ciabatta breads lying around.
So you get one of your free-range ciabattas I turns out, if you get Jon Richardson wet, he goes mad.
You get your nettles and then you can't get pine nuts, so you lick a pine cone It's like Saturday Morning Kitchen on acid, isn't it? Oh, no! Jon! AUDIENCE GROANS Oh, Jon! They sting a bit on the lip.
- Oh, my God.
What's he doing?! - Ooh! What's he doing?! Do you want some water? Youknocked over.
That's how you cater for the middle classes in the event of the apocalypse, Jimmy.
- OK.
Alex, have you got a mascot? - I have.
- What have you got? - I brought my night light from home.
See, I notice that this is quite a stressful game and my wife bought me a night light this year cos Your wife bought you a night light? Yeah The sex hasn't been great recently, but she bought me She bought me a night light and it goes different colours It helps me to sleep.
Also, we started using it as a form of communication.
So, when she goes to bed before me, if I come into the room, and the green light's on, that meanshave a crack.
And then If the red light's on, that means, "Hmm-hmm-hmm, no chance tonight, sonny.
" Blue light means, "Look, you paid your money, you take your choice.
" But it just helps me sleep.
But I like it cos I'll be able to pass it on to my children.
So when I have children, and they're 32, I can say "Here you are, son.
"Now it's yours.
" OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner, we've got Tom Allen.
CHEERING Hello.
Good evening.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
It's Tom's second time in Dictionary Corner, so he knows what to expect.
No-one will get the conundrum, Jon will probably win, and Susie always gets a bit handsy under the table.
Now, who do you live with, Tom? Recently I have been living with a couple - they are called Dad and Mum.
And - You're serious? - Yes.
- You live with your parents? - Yes, Jimmy, yes.
- Do you mind me asking your age? Yes.
It's on Wikipedia.
But, yes, I do with live with them.
I don't mind it.
It can be stressful, though, sometimes.
They like to do things they know annoy me, like, they like to buy a newspaper that they know I don't like, and they leave it out around the house.
Like, they'll leave it on the pouffe.
They don't call it a pouffe any more since I, you know - It's not all bad.
- Jon, what are you up to? I just googled Tom's age.
How old? How old do you think? I know because I have got it in front of me.
I don't want to give anything away, but it must have been difficult being gay in the '60s.
And with Tom, of course, it's Susie Dent! Susie Dent is the longest-serving member of the Countdown team, having first appeared in 1992.
I once asked her, "Susie, what's your secret?" She said, "I once kicked a dog to death.
" Susie, it says here you have been doing some research in the underwear department.
Would you care to explain yourself? I got a little bit sidetracked and I got into the history of it.
For example, King Tutankhamun was buried with 145 spare pairs of underpants and they were the kind of I've been to Egypt and I don't blame him.
It went straight through me.
And men were the first to wear bras and corsets.
They were all part of body armour.
I'm delighted that bras and corsets count as body armour.
I'm going to sound a lot more masculine when mymahoh.
.
wha Fuck it! Sorry about that, Susie, but Sean had a little breakdown halfway through My name is actually Jon, but thanks for knowing(!) OK.
Rachel is not with us tonight but in charge of the numbers, it's our special guest, Claudia Winkleman.
Claudia, of course, presents Strictly Come Dancing but in America, they call it Dancing With The Stars.
We can't call it Dancing With The Stars because Ainsley Harriott's been on it.
He was good.
He danced with a tomato.
- Yeah.
- What more do you want? No, I mean, that wasn't the dancer.
There was a proper dancer There was juggling.
Oh! Must have missed it.
OK.
Now, you stood in for Rachel last week.
How do you think it went? Well, the audience were weeping, so I was terrible, I was rubbish.
I sort of fell over, I got everything wrong, so I am not doing it alone tonight.
Everyone will be relieved.
So, will you welcome the very magnificent Rob Beckett? Hello.
Yeah.
- Because he is a maths genius.
- Yes, mate.
So, where I couldn't do the adding up and the taking away and the hoo-ha, - this man - I'm here to do a job.
And he is going to do it.
- Have you two not met? He is terrible.
- No! - What?! I won! Last two times I have won, I've got the conundrum.
- I am on fire, mate.
- Yeah.
- I'd been round the universities.
I'm doing tour support for Pythagoras at the moment.
- Together, though, we'll be all right.
- We'll be fine.
- We're going to help each other.
We are a team.
- Yeah.
Pirates.
- Pirates? - R-rargh! I did that and I am just going with it.
R-rargh! No more pirate gags around someone with one leg, please.
- Claudia and Rob, everyone! - Whoo! OK.
And the prize the teams will be competing for this evening - the Countdown chocolate fountain! GASPS Ooh! JOHNNY GASPS Start thinking now! No! No You can't have a body like that and eat chocolate.
That's taking the piss.
What are they doing, exercising? Yeah, a body like that is for licking chocolate off.
Oh OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Johnny and Sara, your turn to pick the letters.
A vowel, please.
- Shall I do the vowels and you do the C-ones? - Yeah.
- Up there? - Yeah.
And when you put it up, I've learnt you have to say the letter.
Oh, work it out yourselves.
Fuck's sake! I Can I have another vowel, please? That's an A.
Consonant, please.
- Do you want to do? - Oh, sorry.
I was enjoying watching.
UmS.
Ooh.
Consonant, consonant, vowel.
Oh, God, I can't You'll have to help me out here.
- H, T.
- E.
JON: There's a five.
LAUGHTER Um A consonant.
S LAUGHTER Vowel.
Oh.
That's an O.
And one more consonant, please.
And then we are finished.
No more, please.
X You don't want that SARA: No, put it back.
Pretend it wasn't Oh! - Have an R.
- Thank you so much.
And for the first time today, here is the Countdown Clock.
Right, let's get this working.
Thank you.
Perfect.
Get in there.
OK.
Perfect.
WHOOSHING AND GURGLING BELL RINGS Come on.
Come on.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Love-a-bub! Sara, what have you got? - Seven.
- You've got a seven? OK.
- Jon, what have you got? - I'll try an eight.
- Alex? - I've got a six.
- OK, Johnny? I've not bothered.
She's got a seven.
Oh, no, that's not the attitude.
All right, I've got a three.
What is your three? SOS - OK, Alex, your six? - I've got SHORTS.
Sara, your seven? No, I did wrong.
I used the same letter twice.
- What word did you get? - I wrote down the word TRASHER but because I wasn't checking enough with the letters What are you two doing?! We have literally just dropped an E! Jon, what have you got? I don't think this is going to be in the dictionary but it's a nice word.
ROASTIES I think ROASTIES might be in there.
Is it in there, Susie? - No.
- Aw Well, six points to Alex.
A good word.
Susie, Tom, could they have done any better? Yes, of course.
HOARIEST, as in most grey.
- Yeah.
- You are going to have to help me out here, mate.
- How are you spelling that? - H-O Do you know, Rob and I went to school together? - We were not in the same classes.
- Not in the same class, actually.
He used to wear a top hat and tails.
Shh! Rob, I don't want everybody to know that.
Why did you wear a top hat and tails? I thought, you know, it would just be a way of making myself seem eccentric.
He looked like a ghost.
People didn't pick on him because they didn't think he existed! So, at the end of that, Jon and Alex are in the lead with six points.
Onto our first numbers round.
OK, Jon and Alex, your turn to pick the numbers.
Can I have one of the big ones, please? Yeah.
Do you want me to tell you what it is(?) It's a 75! Was that really like a market trader, there? A pound of 75! A pound a pound of strawberries! We'll have another big one and then the rest little ones.
75, 25 Oh They are terrible at this.
100, them two, just saying.
JON: Thank you.
I don't want to cheat, but it's exciting, innit? Oh! OK.
Your time starts now.
CLAUDIA AND ROB MUTTER 100 - Yeah.
- Calm down! Yeah.
That's what I'm telling you! So the target was 990.
Jon, did you get it? I got 992.
So, no was your answer.
- Alex, did you get it? - No, I didn't get anywhere near 900.
OK, Johnny, did you get it? No, I just drew a picture of me.
Sara, did you get it? - I got 975.
- OK.
Jon, so, how did you get 992? 75 + 25 = 100 100 x 9 Not quite.
I got to that bit and then I'm going to sneeze.
Atchoo! As you were 6 + 5 = 11 11 + 100 = 111 111 x 9 Ah! 111 x 9 = 999 999 - 7 = 992 Seven points to Jon for that.
ROB: Take away 7, so 909 Rob, Claudia, could it be done? I am going to save the day.
Do you know who is here? - Rachel, hopefully.
- Rachel? Well, no.
She's busy.
Rachel's dad.
Please welcome Mr Riley! Thank you so much.
Thanks, mate.
Thank you, Mr Riley.
We'll see you later.
OK, so, what is it? 7 x 5 = 35 7 x 5 = 35 35 + 75 35 + 75 35 + 75 = 110 I'm running out of space.
110.
110 x 9 110 x 9 I've gone round now.
The scores at the moment - Johnny and Sara have no points, Jon and Alex have 13.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are FART MORE, the clue is - wipe clean and start again.
That's FART MORE, wipe clean and start again.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were FART MORE, the clue - wipe clean and start again.
It was, of course, REFORMAT.
So, Jon and Alex are in the lead.
Time to mix things up a little bit.
They've been playing in teams so far but this game is just for Johnny and Jon.
So, Jon, your turn to choose the letters.
I would like a consonant, please.
Before you start, I'm going to update it a little bit.
No offence, it's been going on ages, innit? I think we should have it a bit different.
I've got emojis.
LAUGHTER Just to get the youth in, all the Snapchat Story dudes.
So .
.
you can have an emoji if you want instead of one of them things.
Right, and how would I use that in a word? Erm, right, for example, this one, you know, the classic LAUGHTER You always do it, don't you? "Oh, look, there's some dog shit.
" Are there any more? Can we see some more of those? What are these? - People use these - What's that? That's a bit of shit with a smile.
LAUGHTER So, yeah, if you want to have a go on any of these, let me know.
I think I'll still stick with a consonant.
N A vowel, please.
M LAUGHTER I don't deal well with anarchy.
- I wrote down M.
- Yeah.
Well, that's cos that's what it is, John, well done! I don't have the time to dick about! My brain is really struggling! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Let's do some picking.
- N-E Consonant.
- JOHNNY: W, W - V JON: A vowel.
JOHNNY: Nevada! CHEERING - Keep going.
- Come on! - Keep doing it.
JON: Let's see if we get Nevada.
Can I have an emoji, please? LAUGHTER - Oh! - Put it underneath, that's fair.
A consonant, then.
I can be fun(!) - - LAUGHTER A vowel, please.
M People are not happy about my M game, are they? A vowel.
A Oh, and a consonant, please.
H And a vowel.
I OK, and your time starts now.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Jon, what have you got? - A six.
Johnny? I've got a six! First time ever! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE But I might have a seven.
Well, which one is it? Six or seven? Well, it depends on your pronunciation.
When my nan died, my dad said she'd gone T'HEAVEN.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Jon, what have you got? - I got the same.
Well, six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Oh, that was horrible.
Tom, Susie, could they have done any better? No, they couldn't have done any better - nothing there.
OK, so the scores at the end of that - Johnny and Sara have 6 points, Jon and Alex have 19.
APPLAUSE DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE Right, now, time for Sara and Alex to go head-to-head.
Sara, your turn to pick the numbers.
OK, can I have a big number, please? BOTH: Yes.
Thank you both.
Ooh, 75.
Another large number, please.
- The big daddy! - A small one.
- And then three more small ones.
- 7, 3 - .
.
5, 10.
- Nice.
OK, and your time starts now.
OK, Alex, did you get it? I think, actually Nah.
LAUGHTER Shit! - Sara, did you get it? - I got 387.
You got 387? OK, so you got two away.
- We don't know where Alex got.
- No.
- Let's find out.
It's exciting.
- Yeah, so, I've got 3 x 100 = 300.
- Yeah.
7 x 10 = 70 Plus 3 x 5 = 15.
So I've got 385.
You're using the 3 how many times? - Let him! - Shit.
LAUGHTER - You made a dog's cock of that.
- Yeah.
Sara? So I did 3 x 100 = 300.
And then I did 5 + 7 = 12.
Who? What? - 5 + 7 = 12 - Yeah.
12 + 75 = 87 Seven points to Sara.
- Yeah! - Come on! APPLAUSE Right, shall we just confirm how it's done? Yeah, I can do it, mate, justall that.
All that happens.
And then 389.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Do we need to get Rachel's dad? - Yeah.
Mr - Mr Riley? Thank you so much.
Let's hear it for Mr Riley.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
Do you mind? 75 He's doing this halfway through his stag-do, that bloke.
LAUGHTER He's supposed to be in Southend.
75 x 5 = 375 375 - 3 = 372 372 + 10 + 7 = 389 APPLAUSE OK, so, Johnny and Sara have 13, Jon and Alex Hang on, that can't be right, can it? Is that right? - Yes, it is right! - Doesn't sound right, but it is.
Because we are on a roll! And if you thought the water was bad, wait till I urinate on him.
LAUGHTER That's the curveball! And I'm not here to make gratuitous TV.
I'll just gently piss in my hand and do it like that.
LAUGHTER OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Tom, what have you got for us? Well, Jimmy, now, like so many people here, I love it in the arts.
LAUGHTER To be creative is a wonderful thing.
This week, I thought I'd use my creative abilities to explain how relationships work, particularly gay relationships, because gay relationships are very popular, particularly with things like gay marriage or, as I like to call it, garage.
LAUGHTER So, now what I thought I'd do is I thought I'd act out some scenes from typical gay relationships and I thought, at first, we'd look at something that's known in homosexual circles as "havin' a row.
" LAUGHTER "Luca, have you arranged the Halloween costume for the dog yet?" LAUGHTER "Yes, Mike, he's going as Princess Leia again.
"You know it's the perfect look for French pugs.
" "Luca, I am not having my child wearing the same costume "two years in a row.
"I don't know what's wrong with you lately, "you seem to be spoiling for a row.
"You didn't even want to come for brunch this morning "and you know how I feel about brunch.
" "Mike, calm down.
"Why don't you listen to your Tina Fey audiobook and relax?" "I can't handle you when you're being like this.
" "Sure, fine, whatever.
"I'm going upstairs with Bossy Pants, "you can sleep on the mid-century Liberty print sofa.
" Another thing that people are often curious about is sex.
How does it work for you guys? Who's the wife, huh? LAUGHTER Well, maybe this will clear it up once and for all.
"Ryan, come to bed.
What are you doing?" "Jeff, I just want to dust down the windowsill.
" "Ryan, are you coming back to bed now?" "No, I just want to fold all the towels "and then adjust the tie-back so they're at matching angles.
" "Ryan, why are you always doing this just when we're about to make love?" "Jeff, it's no big deal.
"I just want to make sure the curtains are symmetrical, "there's a three-inch gap between all the ornaments "and the dehumidifier is set to night mode.
" And that is what we call extreme anal.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Tom Allen, everyone.
I have a couple of questions off the back of that.
Yes, Jimmy, I thought you might.
I have the Tina Fey audiobook and I have a dehumidifier.
Where do I sign up? When we get back to the hotel.
It's finally happening! We are recruiting at the moment.
Without wishing to be extreme anal about the extreme anal, I wondered why the angle of the curtain tie-backs indicated the curtains would be open when they were going to bed.
LAUGHTER OK, the scores at the moment - Johnny and Sara have 13 points, Jon and Alex have 19.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are SHAFT SIR and the clue - it's wet and pointy.
That's SHAFT SIR - it's wet and pointy.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were SHAFT SIR, the clue was - it's wet and pointy.
It was, of course, STARFISH.
Claudia, here's a question for you.
- How do you think you and Rob are doing, as a team? - I love him.
Do you reckon I could be Could I be the next Tess Daly? - Yes.
- Thank you.
No! I love Tess - but you could do it with us.
- Ooh! - I'll take that.
- LAUGHTER - Yes! What's your favourite dance on Strictly? What do you go for? Er, Mambo No.
5.
LAUGHTER OK, on with the game.
Johnny and Sara, your turn to choose the letters.
- A vowel.
- Yeah.
- O.
- Another vowel, please.
- Ooh, E.
- Ooh-ee! A consonant.
Oh, hello! F.
Vowel, please.
I Um Consonant.
G Oh, no.
LAUGHTER TOM: Don't look at me! LAUGHTER - Consonant, please.
- Yeah.
R Vowel.
N! No, U - U.
Vowel.
- Consonant - Little L.
Your time starts now.
APPLAUSE What are you applauding? - CLAUDIA: I was happy with it! - Nothing happened! - Claudia started it.
- It was my fault.
The clock ended, you just went "Yeah, all right.
" It's always nice hearing the music, though, innit? - Live.
- Yeah.
OK, Alex, how many? - I've got six.
- OK.
Jon? Seven.
Oh, sorry, it's an eight.
- Oh, it's an eight! - Ooh! Johnny? You know you just ruined school for, like, 30 other kids in your class? LAUGHTER Who probably ended up going out and robbing people, because you just couldn't stop that fecking brain of yours working.
I've got a four.
LAUGHTER - Sara? - I've got six.
- Alex? - I got five.
- What was your five? ROUGE - Oh! - Ooh! OK, Johnny, what was yours? FROG - LAUGHTER - That's a good word! APPLAUSE Johnny Vegas, grown man, got FROG.
Sara, your six? I got FORAGE.
You'll actually kick yourself, Sara, because at weekends what I like to do is go into a restaurant and take the mushrooms and put them back into the forest, and that's called to UNFORAGE.
Sorry, Jon.
So, six points to Sara.
- Ohh! - APPLAUSE JON: I should've stolen FINGER.
Tom, Susie, could they have done any better? Yeah.
They could have had FOREIGN.
FOREIGN! You don't have to say it like that.
Foreign.
LAUGHTER OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Tom, what have you got for us? Well, Jimmy, now, sex is nothing to be ashamed of, but you can always use euphemisms if you're embarrassed to talk about it.
Now, I found a guide online to manual stimulation, and I'm going got read some of it to you now.
In this guide to manual stimulation - which, actually, I thought was part of driving theory test LAUGHTER .
.
I have avoided blushing by substituting in words from the menu of some of my favourite fast food restaurants.
Ahem.
So, I'll begin.
"Manual stimulation is often something that only happens "in the early days of a relationship, "before oral and a full Big Daddy BBQ chicken family box meal.
" LAUGHTER "However, a stuffed crust can be used to pleasure your partner "in wonderfully satisfying ways.
"Don't just use one hand - "let the other caress her hot wings ".
.
and stroke her chicken legs - "or use the fingers of one hand "to focus on her mixed berry and custard pie.
"Experiment with different techniques, speeds and pressures "to see what works best - "but remember to start gently and work your way up.
"Nothing is more sensitive than a Texas crunchy whopper.
"Foreplay isn't just using your fingers on a boneless banquet.
"It can be a wonderful way to show her "how much you love giving her a sausage and egg McMuffin.
"A little knowledge of her family bucket "can reap rewards time and time again.
" APPLAUSE Tom Allen, everyone.
All right, the scores at the moment - Johnny and Sara have 19, Jon and Alex also have 19 - it's neck and neck.
- Ooh! - APPLAUSE They're playing for a chocolate fountain - they actually want to win this week.
Here's your final teaser - the words are, NICE ARSE, the clue is - the bigger the better.
That's NICE ARSE - the bigger the better.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were NICE ARSE.
The clue was - the bigger the better.
It was of course INCREASE.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Alex, your turn to choose.
Vowel, please, Rob.
Yes, mate.
A Another vowel.
O Consonant.
X Oh, stinker.
Another consonant.
A vowel.
That's me, little L.
A consonant.
M A vowel.
A A consonant.
L A consonant.
J Oh, God.
Your 30 seconds starts now.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kriss Akabusi and Sally Gunnell.
CHEERING On your marks, get set.
Shit! Just Gunnell to beat.
Come on, Gunnell.
Shit.
Silver! Silver! Take that, Akabusi.
Oh! Sally Gunnell and Kriss Akabusi, everyone.
Thank you.
- Jon, how many did you get? - I've got a seven.
- Alex, what've you got? - I've got a five.
- That's six.
- Hang on, sorry, I've got six.
I've got a six! - OK.
- Johnny? I've got a four.
Is it FROG? - Sara? - I got six as well.
I always knew it was six if that counts.
No, that doesn't count.
You're not in charge of the programme, Jimmy is.
Johnny, you got four, what's your four? LMAO.
Sara, your six? - I got OXTAIL.
- Excellent.
Ahhhh! OK.
Alex, what's your six? - I got OXTAIL as well.
- You got OXTAIL as well? This is Look, OXTAIL.
Just for people at home, I can write.
Believe and you can achieve.
So all those people who are scared of asking me for autographs, crack on.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Jon, your seven.
It must be the '90s athletes reminding me of the peer of the realm in the House of Lords and I think he's a conservative - Sir MIXALOT.
MIXALOT is there.
Tom, Susie, could they have done any better? No, just another six, AMATOL, the explosive.
OK, six points to both teams.
OK, so, Johnny and Sara have 25, Jon and Alex also have 25, it's neck and neck.
Are you watching, Mr Lock, are you watching? He will be very proud of you when he hears about this.
He will be proud.
What are you doing? We wanted to say sorry to viewers at home and the people here that Rachel isn't here, we didn't know how to make it up to them but we thought Yeah, put you in a chicken costume.
And Rob's going to sing a song.
Well, that'sthat's the first time I have heard about that.
This is maybe my favourite thing that's ever happened.
You've got to put the feet in! They're too small for me! Can you help me, sir? - Is this definitely going to get me on Strictly? - Yes.
All right, ready for the performance? You start.
- # So sorry - So sorry # About what we did Sorry.
Apology accepted! Claudia and Rob, everyone.
It's like the Sesame Street after party, innit? Big Bird getting off her fucking head.
My feet are massive! You've done two tabs of acid, Big Bird.
- Is it wrong that I find Claudia really attractive in that? - Ahem.
- What do you mean, "ahem"? - What about me? You was all over Tom earlier, give me some sugar.
OK, 25 points apiece, everything to play for, so for today's crucial Countdown conundrum.
You ready? Time starts now.
CLOCK STOPS AUDIENCE LAUGHS Well, let's have a look and see what it was.
ALL: Ohhhh! So the final scores are, Johnny and Sara have 25, Jon and Alex have 25.
- Everyone's a winner.
- Yay! It's the Countdown chocolate fountain, come and have a look.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you watching at home, that's it from us, goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE