Benidorm (2007) s07e07 Episode Script
Series 7, Episode 7
Buenos dias.
Beautiful day.
Buenos dias.
Buenos dias.
If the wind changes your face will stay like that.
What? Not "What?".
It should be, "Pardon?" I did not say anything.
What! You say "Pardon?", but I did not say anything.
No, no.
You said, "What?".
I'm saying it should be, "Pardon?".
I did not say anything.
Who are you talking to? You! I'm talking to you.
You say, "Pardon?".
I did not say anything.
I said, "Pardon?", because you said "What?".
Nothing! I said nothing! You talk about wind.
There is no wind.
I say nothing.
You say, "Pardon".
What I mean is, you should say "Pardon?" rather than "What?".
I tell you, I don't know! Lesley, could you please explain to Mateo.
What? Pardon! This is the problem.
You are deaf.
I am not deaf.
I would just like people to say "Pardon?" as opposed to "What?"! I don't know! That's it! Mateo, inside.
Inside what? INSIDE PARDON! Oh, just get out of my sight! This will be my pleasure.
The last thing I need today is another crazy woman.
Another crazy woman! Did I just hear that correctly? What? Oh, pfft! What's all that racket? It's Mateo.
That manager woman's given him a right roasting.
I think he might need comfort and succour.
Don't be disgusting! What's he doing to her? I said, he might need comfort and succour.
You didn't have to say it again! It means support, help.
I thought you'd had a go on that one.
Surely he won't make the same mistake twice.
I thought you were gonna go and see your new holiday home.
The one you don't legally own! He does own the house, just not the land it's built on.
I didn't buy a house, I put a five-grand deposit on one, which I will be getting back ASAP.
I can't believe you've been conned.
I'd love us to have a place in Spain.
Have you seen Ronaldinho's house? It's unbelievable.
Who's Ronaldinho? Brazilian footballer, but his house in Spain is sick! I don't think your dad's house is feeling too well, either! Oh, my God! I know the one you mean.
He's in the Calvin Klein ads.
He is absolutely gorgeous.
No! You're thinking of Cristiano Ronaldo.
Ronaldinho's got a face like a witch doctor's rattle.
So, you'd be quite a good match! Prices from 90,000 euros.
Oh, my God.
Ronaldinho could literally buy a whole row of these houses with a week's pay.
What? Good afternoon.
It is? Oh, yes.
It is a very good afternoon.
What do you want? My wife and a friend are arriving today.
Mrs Riannon Flint and Mr Donald Stewart.
I wonder if I could be paged on their arrival.
Page? Page-d.
What is page-d? Well, notified, informed, told.
Yes, I'd like to be told when they have arrived.
Why do you have so many words in English to say one thing? Ah, my friend! There's the beauty of it.
Are you familiar with Thomas? Thomas.
Mm.
The cleaner? He's no longer at the Solana.
He now works at the Casa Londres.
No.
Dylan Thomas.
No.
I do not know this person.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Huh? Old age should burn and rave at close of day.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
You want to rave? There is a club, but it's mainly young people.
Can I help you, sir? I hope your day improves.
Tch! Fat chance.
You've gotta snap out of it, man.
I have many problems, Lesley.
Problems? You? You don't know the meaning of the word.
You're young, good-looking, footloose and fancy-free.
My life it is in danger.
Well, we've all got Are you serious? I think I may have to leave Benidorm.
You gotta be jokin'.
Paulo! Cover us on reception.
Half an hour.
Come on, you.
Hiya, Sue.
Take a seat, love.
Be with you in a minute.
I'm just here to pay for me manicure.
Oh, aye! This is Sue, Lilian.
She's a psychic medium.
Available for children's parties, weddings, public hangings! Liam! I do NOT do children's parties! Oh, hiya, Sue.
What can we do for ya? I've got a message for you.
Ugh, here we go again! Right, Lilian.
It's time for phase two of your head-to-toe makeover.
Come on, love.
Let's get them trotters into a bucket of Domestos.
I've had enough messages from beyond the grave this week! Sue, you know I don't believe in all that.
No, it's not a message from the other side.
It's from Madrid.
Oh, that's for me manicure.
Madrid? A lass called Veronica.
You did her hair last weekend.
Veronica? You did her a graduated bob and coloured her hair.
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
Veronica, works as a solicitor in Madrid.
Yeah, well, she called me and she asked me to give you her number.
She needs to speak to you as a matter of great urgency.
Why did she call you? Well, you're never open and she had my number.
I don't make a habit of doing readings at hen parties.
It's very undignified getting in touch with the psychic world while listening to Bonnie Tyler and being hit over the head with an inflatable penis.
But, needs must.
That's her number.
Liam.
Please, be careful.
I also got a message from Tripitok, one of my spirit guides.
Here we go! No, listen to me.
I have to tell you this.
You are going away for at least What? It's time for you to face up to your destiny, Liam.
You won't be seeing your family and friends for some time.
Right.
That's it! Out, I've had enough of this.
Psychic Sue is never wrong! - Everything all right, love? - Yeah, everything's fine.
I'm sorry, I didn't realise things were that bad.
We were married to each other too joung.
Do not disturb me.
I love my four children.
Pedro, Gabrielle, Mateo Junior and Do you .
.
Alonso.
But it's very difficult for me.
My wife and I, we live in the house of her mother, Dolores.
But she's always trying to Interfere? Always trying to Hold you back? Trying to Get in the way.
.
.
kill me.
Always, she's trying to kill me.
What d'you mean by that? Stop my breathing and my life.
I do not know other ways to say this.
No.
No.
I get the picture.
The marriage, it does not work.
Our children, Pedro, Gabrielle, Mateo Junior and Alfonso? Alfonso Alfonso or Alonso? I don't know, pal! Anyway, the children, they are with her sister.
I cannot see them.
My situation is how d'you say? Inconvincible.
Er Do you mind, love! Oh! Oh, sorry! If you honestly think your life is in danger, you've gotta get out.
I have to get out.
Absolutely, and don't let it drag.
I knew my marriage wasn't working at 28.
We separated when I was 50.
All those wasted years.
You need a new beginning.
None of us are getting any younger.
OK, Jou are right.
I go now.
Can jou cover me for one hour? Nae bother.
Mrs Temple Savage said you had to make yourself scarce, so everybody's happy.
Happy! Happy! Yes.
I remember this.
OK, no more wasted years.
I will have my new beginning.
Today, I tell that crazy bitch, Dolores, no more! My old life ends today.
Hopefully not! Ooh, you look smart! Are you going somewhere? No.
I just thought I'd make a bit of an effort, you know.
For Riannon.
Oh, yeah.
I've had an extra squirt of Charlie.
I'm sorry? It's a perfume.
Donald's favourite.
Oh, right.
I see.
You know, I think I've rather grown to appreciate Benidorm.
It has a certain naive charm which I find quite beguiling.
Six down.
Large bird of prey, reputed to gather with others in anticipation of the death of a sick or injured animal.
Vulture.
Oh, yeah! Oh, no wonder shitehawk didn't fit! # When I'm calling you, oo oo oo, ooo oo oo # I will answer too oo oo oo oo oo # But if when you hear my love call ringing clear # And I hear your answering echo so dear # Then I will know our love will come true # You belong to me I belong to you Thank you, thank you.
Er, Jacqueline, this is my wife, Riannon.
I had a sneaking suspicion.
Lovely to meet you at last.
Hello.
I've heard a lot about you.
Where are you going? Er, I'm not going anywhere.
Where d'you want me to go? No, I mean, why are you dressed like that around a swimming pool? Well, I I, erm, I don't know.
Don't tell me you've been dressing like this all week! You look like you should be taking a history class, rather than sunning yourself on the Costa Blanca.
Honestly! You should be making the most of it.
We had rotten weather in France.
In fact, this morning was the first sunny day we had since Excuse me, where's Donald? Donald? My husband.
Of course.
Donald.
He's erm He hasn't called you? No, he hasn't.
Right.
Er maybe we'll have a spot of lunch and I can explain to you what's happened.
What d'you mean, what's happened! Maria? Maria? Dolores? I'm sorry, which team did you say Mr? Oh, please, call him Gunther.
Which team did you say Gunther plays for? Ah, Basel.
It's in the Swiss Super League.
His father used to play with Young Boys.
Er, I'm more of a I'm sorry? Young Boys.
They're a football team in Switzerland.
Wow! Oh, I see.
I'm not familiar with that particular team, I'm more of a rugby man myself.
London Wasps.
It probably does, this time of year.
Er, yes.
Yes.
Well, oddly enough there is something of a Swiss community in this area.
So, Gunther should fit in very well.
Gunther, Gunther! OK, OK, OK! OK.
Er, selfie? Well, shall we commence the tour? Please, Miriam, Gunther.
Step this way.
There you go.
Good work, good work! Vamos! - So, after the second day we kind of realised we'd made - an error of judgement.
What d'you mean by that? Well, as you know, Glynn and I are naturists and pretty broad minded.
But I suppose after 40 years things got a bit stale.
Well, it's no wonder if you've had your bits hanging out in all weathers.
So, we decided to have a go at swinging.
But But I couldn't go through with it.
I'm sorry, Glynn.
I know it was a joint decision.
Whatever's happened between you and Jacqueline, I don't mind.
No, you don't understand.
I felt the same way.
I didn't want to touch her with a bargepole! None taken! Why didn't you say something! Because you didn't say anything.
And Well, it doesn't matter now, does it? I love you, Boo.
And I love you too, Piggy! Where is my husband? I'm sorry, Jacqueline.
I haven't seen him in days.
I think I'll get us all another drink.
You see, the beauty of buying a structure such as this is that, er, all the hard work's been done for you.
And then you have the advantage of designing your own bespoke, luxury holiday home room by room.
Did he just say Arsenal in the middle of that? Erm, yes.
Gunther was just saying a friend of his who plays for Arsenal recommended this area.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure he did.
Yeah.
The seclusion and privacy of this urbanisation is ideal for someone with a high profile.
Obviously, we'll have to get you to sign a secrecy agreement.
If news got out that Gunther was buying in this area for him and his family Oh, absolutely.
Discretion is my middle name.
Well, it's not.
It's actually Hilary, but you know what I mean.
As a matter of fact, I just sold the end house of this row to a very important British business man.
He's basically a cross between Alan Sugar and Donald Trump.
Alain Sucre, Donald Troomp.
Only met him the other day and already he trusts me with his life.
You see, when I sell a property, the buyer is not a client, he's family.
One of the houses is sold! Oh, not the best views of the sierra from that house.
I think you'll find that this particular property is the jewel in the crown of this development.
I think you've misunderstood.
Gunther would like to buy for his entire family.
He'd like the entire row.
All four houses.
Oh, I see! I thought he just All four houses? Jesus Christ! II mean I don't envisage that being any kind of a problem.
But you said one house was sold.
We'll soon kick that ugly little bastard into touch before you can say, "Don't mention the war"! That one didn't stay part of your family for very long, did he! Er, no.
What I meant was, he already had his eye on another property, up there in the Altea Hills.
I can easily nudge him in that direction.
Oh, excuse me.
Guten tag.
Ja.
Ja.
Ja, ja.
Eine kleine nachtmusik.
We have to go.
Gunther is buying art in Valencia this afternoon.
Yes, of course.
Can you draw up the papers by tomorrow? I'll call in the morning.
Not a problem.
And, get rid of the other buyer, obviously, or else there's no deal.
I'll rip up his contract as soon as I get back to the Portakabin.
Guten tag.
Grazie tuta.
Carol has rang from the Benidorm Bulletin, again.
Oh, did she? Probably still owe her for last week's advert.
I'll give her a call later.
Yeah.
You do that.
Who are they? They, my little chupito, are the answer to all our problems.
Really? Oh, yeah.
I've just sold them the last four remaining villas! What? Oh, yes.
Chips and rice for us tonight, Melanie.
Chips AND rice! I know you said he's gone to bring up some mixers.
That was two hours ago.
Where is he? I don't know.
Oh! I'm sorry, Mrs Temple Savage, I just I don't know.
Hello, is that Veronica? Yeah.
My name's Liam.
I've been asked Oh Right.
Well, I only got your number today, so OK.
Really! Are you serious? Oh, my God! No, that's amazing! No, no, no! No.
No, it's it's more than amazing.
It's a miracle! Right.
That's it.
Forget it.
You've all covered for him for the last time.
I'll keep trying him.
You're welcome to, as long as it doesn't interfere with your work.
Because, when he finally answers, you can tell him he's sacked! Dad, I need to talk to you.
Absolutely, son.
Just let me make this call.
OK.
She went back to Madrid and her friend, who's got a salon, asked where she'd got her hair done.
When she said I'd mixed it myself, she said, "I need that man working for me!".
And she's been trying to get in touch with you? Yeah.
She needs me to start next week.
How much are they offering? Starting salary 25,000 plus tips.
Bloody hell, what are you waiting for? Good tips as well.
They do footballers, celebrities and all sorts.
Oh, son.
I'm so proud of you! It would mean relocating to Madrid.
Well, yeah.
It's a long way to come back for your dinner! I've always loved Madrid.
It's only a few hours away on the coach.
And days off, I'll be back here in Benidorm with you.
Bloody won't! I'll be wi' you.
Shopping in Madrid.
Thank you, Dad.
For what? For believing in me.
Talent is like the cream in a bottle of milk.
It'll always rise to the top.
I'll drink to that! Salud! No problem, Monty.
An online transfer direct into my account will be fine.
Including, say, 100 euros to cover the bank charges.
Yeah, of course.
I'll tear up my contract from this end, as well.
Muchas gracias, as they say.
the hire of the Land Rover, and the job's a good 'un.
Things are looking up, as they say.
You can say that again! Well, that's our Liam sorted with a job.
What about you, Annie? Dad! Please don't mention Madrid to anyone until I've spoken to Kenneth.
You know me, son.
I will not breathe a word.
Yes, son.
Erm erm Give us a shout when you're ready, son.
You thinking about joining our Liam in Madrid, Annie? I don't think so.
Madrid's a bit too sophisticated for me.
I'm Benidorm through and through.
You've got a crackin' voice.
You should be singing all the time, not introducing pissed holidaymakers singing, 'Sweet Caroline'.
Have you got nuts? That supposed to be funny? No.
Oh, you mean salted peanuts? Yes, son, I've got some right here.
All right? How're you doin'? You've cheered up a bit.
I beg your pardon? Well, no.
I was just saying We've spoken before and, well D'you want a drink? I've got one, thanks.
How's your nuts? Shrinking by the minute.
I was just about to open the salon.
Oh, shut up.
A tonic water, please, Maria, with the slightest, merest suggestion of Gordon's in it.
Que? A gin and tonic.
Si.
Is everything all right? As right as it'll ever be in this place.
Mateo's gone AWOL.
Is that up near Denia? AWOL! Absent Without Leave? Oh, yeah.
Where's he gone? If I knew that! Have you tried ringing him? No.
I thought I'd try smoke signals for the first few hours! Honestly, some people will do anything to get out of using their mobile phone.
Are you on Pay As You Go? Of course I've tried ringing him! Don't bite me head off! Thank you.
Am I a bad boss? I don't know, I don't work for you.
I know, but you I come across as difficult or inconsiderate? Eerrmm! I like to think of myself as firm, but fair.
I like to think of myself as Can you call Mateo? He might answer the phone to you.
I don't care where he's been, but I need him back here.
I've given up trying to sack people.
We're running on a skeleton staff.
Hello! Hello! Mateo! Can you hear me? Let me speak to him.
I don't think he can hear me.
Mateo? Hello? Hello? What's the point! # It's not about the money, money, money # We don't need your money, money, money # We just wanna make the world# Glynn.
Yeah.
Can I ask you a question? Of course.
You and Jacqueline Did you? Don't be ridiculous! I mean, it seems such a coincidence that we both decided we'd made a mistake after we went ahead with the wife swap.
.
.
video hoes, Am I the only one getting tired What about, er, Donald? What about him? Did you and he? For goodness sake! What on earth were we thinking! A moment of madness.
Indeed.
Speaking of madness, what on earth do you think has happened to Jacqueline's husband? Well, if I'm honest, he called me yesterday.
What! Why didn't you say? Still no answer.
Everything OK? # .
.
cha-ching cha-ching # Ain't about the, oh, ba-bling ba-bling # Wanna make the world# She's got a great voice! You two should do something together.
He's been trying to make that happen for the last two days.
Clive! Melanie! What you doing here? Can I have a word? More! More! Uno mas! Uno mas! I can't believe she hasn't got another job.
Honestly, the talent that gets lost in this town! Yeah.
On that subject.
Yeah? I need to talk to you.
Ooh! Hold that thought.
This may well be my Friday night booty call.
Frigging hell's this? Hey, I had no idea Annie could Hey! I've just had this text from Mateo.
Oh, bloody hell! That'll be his mother-in-law he's talking about.
He said she was gonna kill him.
Is that a joke? No.
Then what we doing sitting here? We don't know where he lives.
I'll get the address from reception.
Call the police.
# .
.
Next to me ee ee ee ee Ooo oo oo Next to me ee ee ee ee Ooo oo oo Next to me ee ee ee ee Ooo oo oo Si? Mateo.
Mateo? Er Donde est Mateo? No.
Mateo no aqui.
Not here, no.
Look, we know you've got Mateo in there.
We've called the police.
Policia? The police? Let me handle this, Lesley.
Hola, love.
Buenas noches, buenas noches.
Erm, senora, una cafe Americano con queso para mi para mi, por favor? You just asked her for a coffee with cheese! Un momento, eh! One moment, one moment.
Si? Si, si.
There you are, I'm getting somewhere.
It doesn't matter what you say as long as they think FUCKING HELL! Madrid? I tried to tell you earlier, but What? You'd thought you'd wait until I had a shotgun in me face! I meant earlier tonight.
Thanks for leaving me in the lurch! What am I supposed to do? Hattie Jacques there might as well have pulled the trigger.
Come on now, Kenneth.
That's a bit dramatic.
Quien llamo a la policia? Er, sorry no Espanol.
Which one of you called the police? Oh, that'd be me, sir.
We were in the middle of eating our dinner.
Oh, sorry about that, sir.
Salvador here likes his food.
Somehow, I don't think missing a meal'd kill him! What is the situation? Our friend's in that house being held at gunpoint by his mother-in-law.
They're related? OK, this is a domestic problem.
Salvador, I think we go back to our taco.
Domestic? She's just pointed a gun at us! Do you know if it was loaded? Oh, of course! I forgot to ask.
We should have asked her to pull the trigger, then we'd have found out! Dickhead! What did you say? Pardon? Just then.
What did you say? I said, we should have asked her to pull the trigger cos .
.
when she pointed the gun at Liam, he's got a thick head.
Thanks! They must be taking it seriously.
Big lad's put his sandwich down.
# .
.
Better shape up # Cos I need a man And my heart is set on you Then I saw Terri getting in the car and I knew I recognised her from somewhere.
Then Monty said he was giving you your deposit back because he'd found a buyer for all the houses and I worked out the rest.
Where is he, then? Oh, I haven't told him it was you lot who were interested in the houses.
Why not? Monty and I have been together for five years, but he's a very dishonest man.
Oh, really? I hadn't noticed! He's got an arrangement with a woman from the local paper.
He puts an ad in every month.
Problem is, that's not the only thing he keeps putting in! But you knew how dodgy those houses were.
All estate agents bend the truth.
And that's how we started out, but then the financial crisis hit Spain and, well, desperate times call for desperate measures.
I don't wanna do it any more.
It's just not me.
So, what you gonna do? I'm gonna go back to the UK.
I kept my flat in Watford, thank God, when I moved out to Spain.
And as luck would have it, the tenants are moving out.
I need a fresh start.
Most things happen for a reason.
Everyone's past catches up with them eventually.
Yeah.
And sometimes in a good way.
# Oo oo oo You're all I need, (all I need) # Oh, yes inde-ee-ed (Yes inde-ee-ed) # You're the one that I want (You are the one I want) Oo oo ooo, honey The one that I want (You are the one I want) Oo oo ooo It was a very brief call.
Donald said he has a surprise for you, but he wouldn't say what it was.
What he did say was, he'd be arriving the same day as me, so I've no idea what happened to him.
I'll just have to keep trying his number.
Would you like another orgasm? No, thank you.
I've still got plenty of this one left.
I think I'll just have an early night, try him again in the morning.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Absolutely.
I don't suppose you fancy an org an another drink, do you? It's been a very long day, Glynn.
I'll have a small white wine.
Very dry.
Tiger and Annie there, with a classic from Grease, 'You're The One That I Want'.
But as good as it was, it was merely an hors d'oeuvre.
The Solana is proud to present tonight's main course.
Meatloaf! # And I would do anything for love # I'd run right into hell and back # And I would do anything for love # I'd never lie to you and that's a fact And I'll never forget Hello? Jacqueline! Donald! Where are you? Whose phone are you on? Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.
I turned my phone off on the plane and it wouldn't turn back on again.
This was all supposed to be a surprise.
Where are you! I'm with Pepe De La Cruz and the Costa Blanca Swingers' Association.
It's their annual jamboree.
Remember, we missed it last year.
I've missed you so much! Where are you? Look out to the cross.
We're all here, waiting for you.
Pepe sent a car for you.
It should be at reception in a few minutes.
Oh, Donald! I'm coming now! # .
.
As long as the wheels are turning # As long as the fires are burning # As long as your prayers are coming true # You'd better believe it # That I would do anything for love You know it's true and that's a fact Go on, son! # .
.
And I would do anything for love # There'll never be no turning back And I'll never do it better than I do it with you You won't last five minutes in Madrid! There's only so many frothy coffees and art galleries a person can put up with.
I'll give you one week, and you'll be screaming for egg, chips and karaoke.
Por favor.
Oh, my God! Bloody hell! # .
.
for love, And I would do anything for love .
.
And I would do anything for love # .
.
But I won't do that And no, I won't do that Right.
Now, are you sure you've got everything? No.
Ring me when you arrive.
Let me know if you need anything.
Stop worrying.
I'll be back in a week for the rest of my stuff.
I'm only a phone call away.
Same here.
Good luck, son! I love you.
I love you too, Dad.
Wait! Wait! You didn't think I'd let you go without a proper send-off, did you! Oh! Unforgettable Oh, Kenneth! Of all the people I've met in Benidorm, I can honestly say, hand on heart, you're the campest! Ooh, you cheeky bugger! Unforgettable Liam! Liam, I got your message.
Oh, Mateo.
You came! Bloody hell, where have you been, Roy Rogers! I have been lying on the low.
I have to leave this town.
Dolores, she was arrested and her sons are looking for me.
What are you gonna do? I think maybe I try Madrid with jou, Liam.
Maybe I find a job there.
It's OK if I ride with you? Ooh, after all these years, you've never said that to me! It's OK? Of course, I'll be glad of the company.
OK, my friend.
So this is goodbye.
No.
Never goodbye.
Just, adios.
Beautiful day.
Buenos dias.
Buenos dias.
If the wind changes your face will stay like that.
What? Not "What?".
It should be, "Pardon?" I did not say anything.
What! You say "Pardon?", but I did not say anything.
No, no.
You said, "What?".
I'm saying it should be, "Pardon?".
I did not say anything.
Who are you talking to? You! I'm talking to you.
You say, "Pardon?".
I did not say anything.
I said, "Pardon?", because you said "What?".
Nothing! I said nothing! You talk about wind.
There is no wind.
I say nothing.
You say, "Pardon".
What I mean is, you should say "Pardon?" rather than "What?".
I tell you, I don't know! Lesley, could you please explain to Mateo.
What? Pardon! This is the problem.
You are deaf.
I am not deaf.
I would just like people to say "Pardon?" as opposed to "What?"! I don't know! That's it! Mateo, inside.
Inside what? INSIDE PARDON! Oh, just get out of my sight! This will be my pleasure.
The last thing I need today is another crazy woman.
Another crazy woman! Did I just hear that correctly? What? Oh, pfft! What's all that racket? It's Mateo.
That manager woman's given him a right roasting.
I think he might need comfort and succour.
Don't be disgusting! What's he doing to her? I said, he might need comfort and succour.
You didn't have to say it again! It means support, help.
I thought you'd had a go on that one.
Surely he won't make the same mistake twice.
I thought you were gonna go and see your new holiday home.
The one you don't legally own! He does own the house, just not the land it's built on.
I didn't buy a house, I put a five-grand deposit on one, which I will be getting back ASAP.
I can't believe you've been conned.
I'd love us to have a place in Spain.
Have you seen Ronaldinho's house? It's unbelievable.
Who's Ronaldinho? Brazilian footballer, but his house in Spain is sick! I don't think your dad's house is feeling too well, either! Oh, my God! I know the one you mean.
He's in the Calvin Klein ads.
He is absolutely gorgeous.
No! You're thinking of Cristiano Ronaldo.
Ronaldinho's got a face like a witch doctor's rattle.
So, you'd be quite a good match! Prices from 90,000 euros.
Oh, my God.
Ronaldinho could literally buy a whole row of these houses with a week's pay.
What? Good afternoon.
It is? Oh, yes.
It is a very good afternoon.
What do you want? My wife and a friend are arriving today.
Mrs Riannon Flint and Mr Donald Stewart.
I wonder if I could be paged on their arrival.
Page? Page-d.
What is page-d? Well, notified, informed, told.
Yes, I'd like to be told when they have arrived.
Why do you have so many words in English to say one thing? Ah, my friend! There's the beauty of it.
Are you familiar with Thomas? Thomas.
Mm.
The cleaner? He's no longer at the Solana.
He now works at the Casa Londres.
No.
Dylan Thomas.
No.
I do not know this person.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Huh? Old age should burn and rave at close of day.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
You want to rave? There is a club, but it's mainly young people.
Can I help you, sir? I hope your day improves.
Tch! Fat chance.
You've gotta snap out of it, man.
I have many problems, Lesley.
Problems? You? You don't know the meaning of the word.
You're young, good-looking, footloose and fancy-free.
My life it is in danger.
Well, we've all got Are you serious? I think I may have to leave Benidorm.
You gotta be jokin'.
Paulo! Cover us on reception.
Half an hour.
Come on, you.
Hiya, Sue.
Take a seat, love.
Be with you in a minute.
I'm just here to pay for me manicure.
Oh, aye! This is Sue, Lilian.
She's a psychic medium.
Available for children's parties, weddings, public hangings! Liam! I do NOT do children's parties! Oh, hiya, Sue.
What can we do for ya? I've got a message for you.
Ugh, here we go again! Right, Lilian.
It's time for phase two of your head-to-toe makeover.
Come on, love.
Let's get them trotters into a bucket of Domestos.
I've had enough messages from beyond the grave this week! Sue, you know I don't believe in all that.
No, it's not a message from the other side.
It's from Madrid.
Oh, that's for me manicure.
Madrid? A lass called Veronica.
You did her hair last weekend.
Veronica? You did her a graduated bob and coloured her hair.
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
Veronica, works as a solicitor in Madrid.
Yeah, well, she called me and she asked me to give you her number.
She needs to speak to you as a matter of great urgency.
Why did she call you? Well, you're never open and she had my number.
I don't make a habit of doing readings at hen parties.
It's very undignified getting in touch with the psychic world while listening to Bonnie Tyler and being hit over the head with an inflatable penis.
But, needs must.
That's her number.
Liam.
Please, be careful.
I also got a message from Tripitok, one of my spirit guides.
Here we go! No, listen to me.
I have to tell you this.
You are going away for at least What? It's time for you to face up to your destiny, Liam.
You won't be seeing your family and friends for some time.
Right.
That's it! Out, I've had enough of this.
Psychic Sue is never wrong! - Everything all right, love? - Yeah, everything's fine.
I'm sorry, I didn't realise things were that bad.
We were married to each other too joung.
Do not disturb me.
I love my four children.
Pedro, Gabrielle, Mateo Junior and Do you .
.
Alonso.
But it's very difficult for me.
My wife and I, we live in the house of her mother, Dolores.
But she's always trying to Interfere? Always trying to Hold you back? Trying to Get in the way.
.
.
kill me.
Always, she's trying to kill me.
What d'you mean by that? Stop my breathing and my life.
I do not know other ways to say this.
No.
No.
I get the picture.
The marriage, it does not work.
Our children, Pedro, Gabrielle, Mateo Junior and Alfonso? Alfonso Alfonso or Alonso? I don't know, pal! Anyway, the children, they are with her sister.
I cannot see them.
My situation is how d'you say? Inconvincible.
Er Do you mind, love! Oh! Oh, sorry! If you honestly think your life is in danger, you've gotta get out.
I have to get out.
Absolutely, and don't let it drag.
I knew my marriage wasn't working at 28.
We separated when I was 50.
All those wasted years.
You need a new beginning.
None of us are getting any younger.
OK, Jou are right.
I go now.
Can jou cover me for one hour? Nae bother.
Mrs Temple Savage said you had to make yourself scarce, so everybody's happy.
Happy! Happy! Yes.
I remember this.
OK, no more wasted years.
I will have my new beginning.
Today, I tell that crazy bitch, Dolores, no more! My old life ends today.
Hopefully not! Ooh, you look smart! Are you going somewhere? No.
I just thought I'd make a bit of an effort, you know.
For Riannon.
Oh, yeah.
I've had an extra squirt of Charlie.
I'm sorry? It's a perfume.
Donald's favourite.
Oh, right.
I see.
You know, I think I've rather grown to appreciate Benidorm.
It has a certain naive charm which I find quite beguiling.
Six down.
Large bird of prey, reputed to gather with others in anticipation of the death of a sick or injured animal.
Vulture.
Oh, yeah! Oh, no wonder shitehawk didn't fit! # When I'm calling you, oo oo oo, ooo oo oo # I will answer too oo oo oo oo oo # But if when you hear my love call ringing clear # And I hear your answering echo so dear # Then I will know our love will come true # You belong to me I belong to you Thank you, thank you.
Er, Jacqueline, this is my wife, Riannon.
I had a sneaking suspicion.
Lovely to meet you at last.
Hello.
I've heard a lot about you.
Where are you going? Er, I'm not going anywhere.
Where d'you want me to go? No, I mean, why are you dressed like that around a swimming pool? Well, I I, erm, I don't know.
Don't tell me you've been dressing like this all week! You look like you should be taking a history class, rather than sunning yourself on the Costa Blanca.
Honestly! You should be making the most of it.
We had rotten weather in France.
In fact, this morning was the first sunny day we had since Excuse me, where's Donald? Donald? My husband.
Of course.
Donald.
He's erm He hasn't called you? No, he hasn't.
Right.
Er maybe we'll have a spot of lunch and I can explain to you what's happened.
What d'you mean, what's happened! Maria? Maria? Dolores? I'm sorry, which team did you say Mr? Oh, please, call him Gunther.
Which team did you say Gunther plays for? Ah, Basel.
It's in the Swiss Super League.
His father used to play with Young Boys.
Er, I'm more of a I'm sorry? Young Boys.
They're a football team in Switzerland.
Wow! Oh, I see.
I'm not familiar with that particular team, I'm more of a rugby man myself.
London Wasps.
It probably does, this time of year.
Er, yes.
Yes.
Well, oddly enough there is something of a Swiss community in this area.
So, Gunther should fit in very well.
Gunther, Gunther! OK, OK, OK! OK.
Er, selfie? Well, shall we commence the tour? Please, Miriam, Gunther.
Step this way.
There you go.
Good work, good work! Vamos! - So, after the second day we kind of realised we'd made - an error of judgement.
What d'you mean by that? Well, as you know, Glynn and I are naturists and pretty broad minded.
But I suppose after 40 years things got a bit stale.
Well, it's no wonder if you've had your bits hanging out in all weathers.
So, we decided to have a go at swinging.
But But I couldn't go through with it.
I'm sorry, Glynn.
I know it was a joint decision.
Whatever's happened between you and Jacqueline, I don't mind.
No, you don't understand.
I felt the same way.
I didn't want to touch her with a bargepole! None taken! Why didn't you say something! Because you didn't say anything.
And Well, it doesn't matter now, does it? I love you, Boo.
And I love you too, Piggy! Where is my husband? I'm sorry, Jacqueline.
I haven't seen him in days.
I think I'll get us all another drink.
You see, the beauty of buying a structure such as this is that, er, all the hard work's been done for you.
And then you have the advantage of designing your own bespoke, luxury holiday home room by room.
Did he just say Arsenal in the middle of that? Erm, yes.
Gunther was just saying a friend of his who plays for Arsenal recommended this area.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure he did.
Yeah.
The seclusion and privacy of this urbanisation is ideal for someone with a high profile.
Obviously, we'll have to get you to sign a secrecy agreement.
If news got out that Gunther was buying in this area for him and his family Oh, absolutely.
Discretion is my middle name.
Well, it's not.
It's actually Hilary, but you know what I mean.
As a matter of fact, I just sold the end house of this row to a very important British business man.
He's basically a cross between Alan Sugar and Donald Trump.
Alain Sucre, Donald Troomp.
Only met him the other day and already he trusts me with his life.
You see, when I sell a property, the buyer is not a client, he's family.
One of the houses is sold! Oh, not the best views of the sierra from that house.
I think you'll find that this particular property is the jewel in the crown of this development.
I think you've misunderstood.
Gunther would like to buy for his entire family.
He'd like the entire row.
All four houses.
Oh, I see! I thought he just All four houses? Jesus Christ! II mean I don't envisage that being any kind of a problem.
But you said one house was sold.
We'll soon kick that ugly little bastard into touch before you can say, "Don't mention the war"! That one didn't stay part of your family for very long, did he! Er, no.
What I meant was, he already had his eye on another property, up there in the Altea Hills.
I can easily nudge him in that direction.
Oh, excuse me.
Guten tag.
Ja.
Ja.
Ja, ja.
Eine kleine nachtmusik.
We have to go.
Gunther is buying art in Valencia this afternoon.
Yes, of course.
Can you draw up the papers by tomorrow? I'll call in the morning.
Not a problem.
And, get rid of the other buyer, obviously, or else there's no deal.
I'll rip up his contract as soon as I get back to the Portakabin.
Guten tag.
Grazie tuta.
Carol has rang from the Benidorm Bulletin, again.
Oh, did she? Probably still owe her for last week's advert.
I'll give her a call later.
Yeah.
You do that.
Who are they? They, my little chupito, are the answer to all our problems.
Really? Oh, yeah.
I've just sold them the last four remaining villas! What? Oh, yes.
Chips and rice for us tonight, Melanie.
Chips AND rice! I know you said he's gone to bring up some mixers.
That was two hours ago.
Where is he? I don't know.
Oh! I'm sorry, Mrs Temple Savage, I just I don't know.
Hello, is that Veronica? Yeah.
My name's Liam.
I've been asked Oh Right.
Well, I only got your number today, so OK.
Really! Are you serious? Oh, my God! No, that's amazing! No, no, no! No.
No, it's it's more than amazing.
It's a miracle! Right.
That's it.
Forget it.
You've all covered for him for the last time.
I'll keep trying him.
You're welcome to, as long as it doesn't interfere with your work.
Because, when he finally answers, you can tell him he's sacked! Dad, I need to talk to you.
Absolutely, son.
Just let me make this call.
OK.
She went back to Madrid and her friend, who's got a salon, asked where she'd got her hair done.
When she said I'd mixed it myself, she said, "I need that man working for me!".
And she's been trying to get in touch with you? Yeah.
She needs me to start next week.
How much are they offering? Starting salary 25,000 plus tips.
Bloody hell, what are you waiting for? Good tips as well.
They do footballers, celebrities and all sorts.
Oh, son.
I'm so proud of you! It would mean relocating to Madrid.
Well, yeah.
It's a long way to come back for your dinner! I've always loved Madrid.
It's only a few hours away on the coach.
And days off, I'll be back here in Benidorm with you.
Bloody won't! I'll be wi' you.
Shopping in Madrid.
Thank you, Dad.
For what? For believing in me.
Talent is like the cream in a bottle of milk.
It'll always rise to the top.
I'll drink to that! Salud! No problem, Monty.
An online transfer direct into my account will be fine.
Including, say, 100 euros to cover the bank charges.
Yeah, of course.
I'll tear up my contract from this end, as well.
Muchas gracias, as they say.
the hire of the Land Rover, and the job's a good 'un.
Things are looking up, as they say.
You can say that again! Well, that's our Liam sorted with a job.
What about you, Annie? Dad! Please don't mention Madrid to anyone until I've spoken to Kenneth.
You know me, son.
I will not breathe a word.
Yes, son.
Erm erm Give us a shout when you're ready, son.
You thinking about joining our Liam in Madrid, Annie? I don't think so.
Madrid's a bit too sophisticated for me.
I'm Benidorm through and through.
You've got a crackin' voice.
You should be singing all the time, not introducing pissed holidaymakers singing, 'Sweet Caroline'.
Have you got nuts? That supposed to be funny? No.
Oh, you mean salted peanuts? Yes, son, I've got some right here.
All right? How're you doin'? You've cheered up a bit.
I beg your pardon? Well, no.
I was just saying We've spoken before and, well D'you want a drink? I've got one, thanks.
How's your nuts? Shrinking by the minute.
I was just about to open the salon.
Oh, shut up.
A tonic water, please, Maria, with the slightest, merest suggestion of Gordon's in it.
Que? A gin and tonic.
Si.
Is everything all right? As right as it'll ever be in this place.
Mateo's gone AWOL.
Is that up near Denia? AWOL! Absent Without Leave? Oh, yeah.
Where's he gone? If I knew that! Have you tried ringing him? No.
I thought I'd try smoke signals for the first few hours! Honestly, some people will do anything to get out of using their mobile phone.
Are you on Pay As You Go? Of course I've tried ringing him! Don't bite me head off! Thank you.
Am I a bad boss? I don't know, I don't work for you.
I know, but you I come across as difficult or inconsiderate? Eerrmm! I like to think of myself as firm, but fair.
I like to think of myself as Can you call Mateo? He might answer the phone to you.
I don't care where he's been, but I need him back here.
I've given up trying to sack people.
We're running on a skeleton staff.
Hello! Hello! Mateo! Can you hear me? Let me speak to him.
I don't think he can hear me.
Mateo? Hello? Hello? What's the point! # It's not about the money, money, money # We don't need your money, money, money # We just wanna make the world# Glynn.
Yeah.
Can I ask you a question? Of course.
You and Jacqueline Did you? Don't be ridiculous! I mean, it seems such a coincidence that we both decided we'd made a mistake after we went ahead with the wife swap.
.
.
video hoes, Am I the only one getting tired What about, er, Donald? What about him? Did you and he? For goodness sake! What on earth were we thinking! A moment of madness.
Indeed.
Speaking of madness, what on earth do you think has happened to Jacqueline's husband? Well, if I'm honest, he called me yesterday.
What! Why didn't you say? Still no answer.
Everything OK? # .
.
cha-ching cha-ching # Ain't about the, oh, ba-bling ba-bling # Wanna make the world# She's got a great voice! You two should do something together.
He's been trying to make that happen for the last two days.
Clive! Melanie! What you doing here? Can I have a word? More! More! Uno mas! Uno mas! I can't believe she hasn't got another job.
Honestly, the talent that gets lost in this town! Yeah.
On that subject.
Yeah? I need to talk to you.
Ooh! Hold that thought.
This may well be my Friday night booty call.
Frigging hell's this? Hey, I had no idea Annie could Hey! I've just had this text from Mateo.
Oh, bloody hell! That'll be his mother-in-law he's talking about.
He said she was gonna kill him.
Is that a joke? No.
Then what we doing sitting here? We don't know where he lives.
I'll get the address from reception.
Call the police.
# .
.
Next to me ee ee ee ee Ooo oo oo Next to me ee ee ee ee Ooo oo oo Next to me ee ee ee ee Ooo oo oo Si? Mateo.
Mateo? Er Donde est Mateo? No.
Mateo no aqui.
Not here, no.
Look, we know you've got Mateo in there.
We've called the police.
Policia? The police? Let me handle this, Lesley.
Hola, love.
Buenas noches, buenas noches.
Erm, senora, una cafe Americano con queso para mi para mi, por favor? You just asked her for a coffee with cheese! Un momento, eh! One moment, one moment.
Si? Si, si.
There you are, I'm getting somewhere.
It doesn't matter what you say as long as they think FUCKING HELL! Madrid? I tried to tell you earlier, but What? You'd thought you'd wait until I had a shotgun in me face! I meant earlier tonight.
Thanks for leaving me in the lurch! What am I supposed to do? Hattie Jacques there might as well have pulled the trigger.
Come on now, Kenneth.
That's a bit dramatic.
Quien llamo a la policia? Er, sorry no Espanol.
Which one of you called the police? Oh, that'd be me, sir.
We were in the middle of eating our dinner.
Oh, sorry about that, sir.
Salvador here likes his food.
Somehow, I don't think missing a meal'd kill him! What is the situation? Our friend's in that house being held at gunpoint by his mother-in-law.
They're related? OK, this is a domestic problem.
Salvador, I think we go back to our taco.
Domestic? She's just pointed a gun at us! Do you know if it was loaded? Oh, of course! I forgot to ask.
We should have asked her to pull the trigger, then we'd have found out! Dickhead! What did you say? Pardon? Just then.
What did you say? I said, we should have asked her to pull the trigger cos .
.
when she pointed the gun at Liam, he's got a thick head.
Thanks! They must be taking it seriously.
Big lad's put his sandwich down.
# .
.
Better shape up # Cos I need a man And my heart is set on you Then I saw Terri getting in the car and I knew I recognised her from somewhere.
Then Monty said he was giving you your deposit back because he'd found a buyer for all the houses and I worked out the rest.
Where is he, then? Oh, I haven't told him it was you lot who were interested in the houses.
Why not? Monty and I have been together for five years, but he's a very dishonest man.
Oh, really? I hadn't noticed! He's got an arrangement with a woman from the local paper.
He puts an ad in every month.
Problem is, that's not the only thing he keeps putting in! But you knew how dodgy those houses were.
All estate agents bend the truth.
And that's how we started out, but then the financial crisis hit Spain and, well, desperate times call for desperate measures.
I don't wanna do it any more.
It's just not me.
So, what you gonna do? I'm gonna go back to the UK.
I kept my flat in Watford, thank God, when I moved out to Spain.
And as luck would have it, the tenants are moving out.
I need a fresh start.
Most things happen for a reason.
Everyone's past catches up with them eventually.
Yeah.
And sometimes in a good way.
# Oo oo oo You're all I need, (all I need) # Oh, yes inde-ee-ed (Yes inde-ee-ed) # You're the one that I want (You are the one I want) Oo oo ooo, honey The one that I want (You are the one I want) Oo oo ooo It was a very brief call.
Donald said he has a surprise for you, but he wouldn't say what it was.
What he did say was, he'd be arriving the same day as me, so I've no idea what happened to him.
I'll just have to keep trying his number.
Would you like another orgasm? No, thank you.
I've still got plenty of this one left.
I think I'll just have an early night, try him again in the morning.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Absolutely.
I don't suppose you fancy an org an another drink, do you? It's been a very long day, Glynn.
I'll have a small white wine.
Very dry.
Tiger and Annie there, with a classic from Grease, 'You're The One That I Want'.
But as good as it was, it was merely an hors d'oeuvre.
The Solana is proud to present tonight's main course.
Meatloaf! # And I would do anything for love # I'd run right into hell and back # And I would do anything for love # I'd never lie to you and that's a fact And I'll never forget Hello? Jacqueline! Donald! Where are you? Whose phone are you on? Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.
I turned my phone off on the plane and it wouldn't turn back on again.
This was all supposed to be a surprise.
Where are you! I'm with Pepe De La Cruz and the Costa Blanca Swingers' Association.
It's their annual jamboree.
Remember, we missed it last year.
I've missed you so much! Where are you? Look out to the cross.
We're all here, waiting for you.
Pepe sent a car for you.
It should be at reception in a few minutes.
Oh, Donald! I'm coming now! # .
.
As long as the wheels are turning # As long as the fires are burning # As long as your prayers are coming true # You'd better believe it # That I would do anything for love You know it's true and that's a fact Go on, son! # .
.
And I would do anything for love # There'll never be no turning back And I'll never do it better than I do it with you You won't last five minutes in Madrid! There's only so many frothy coffees and art galleries a person can put up with.
I'll give you one week, and you'll be screaming for egg, chips and karaoke.
Por favor.
Oh, my God! Bloody hell! # .
.
for love, And I would do anything for love .
.
And I would do anything for love # .
.
But I won't do that And no, I won't do that Right.
Now, are you sure you've got everything? No.
Ring me when you arrive.
Let me know if you need anything.
Stop worrying.
I'll be back in a week for the rest of my stuff.
I'm only a phone call away.
Same here.
Good luck, son! I love you.
I love you too, Dad.
Wait! Wait! You didn't think I'd let you go without a proper send-off, did you! Oh! Unforgettable Oh, Kenneth! Of all the people I've met in Benidorm, I can honestly say, hand on heart, you're the campest! Ooh, you cheeky bugger! Unforgettable Liam! Liam, I got your message.
Oh, Mateo.
You came! Bloody hell, where have you been, Roy Rogers! I have been lying on the low.
I have to leave this town.
Dolores, she was arrested and her sons are looking for me.
What are you gonna do? I think maybe I try Madrid with jou, Liam.
Maybe I find a job there.
It's OK if I ride with you? Ooh, after all these years, you've never said that to me! It's OK? Of course, I'll be glad of the company.
OK, my friend.
So this is goodbye.
No.
Never goodbye.
Just, adios.