Black-ish (2014) s07e07 Episode Script

1 Society would have us believe that the divide between boys and girls is vast and insurmountable.
We're taught, "Girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice.
" "And boys are made of snips and snails and puppy dog tails.
" But in this house, we raise our daughters to be just as strong as our sons.
We raise our sons to be just as sensitive as our daughters.
And I would say we overachieved with Junior.
But still, Bow and I try to look past gender and see our kids for the individuals they are.
Oh! - Hey.
- Hey, babe.
- Look at this.
- What? I got twenty likes on my new sneakers.
You know that's not a lot, right? What? What? What? No, Diane liked it.
Look at that.
And she doesn't like anything.
Online or in real life.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What? - "Golden State Thriller"? Did she change her username? I don't know.
She's always chang What is that? What is this? Scroll.
Is this a fake account? Oh, m Oh! Oh, my Lord! Oh, God.
Wait, Dre.
- It's worse.
- Yeah.
This is her real account.
She played us.
How is she verified? - Image reported.
- Okay.
Image reported.
Image reported.
Yes, because it directly harms me! You know, we should have never got the Internet.
Somebody get me Zuckerberg.
Get me Zuckerberg! Dre, look, I know she broke the rules, but we do not get to overreact.
The last thing we want to do is body shame our daughter.
Appropriate amounts of body shaming is okay.
It's what got me to return my male thong! No, Dre, the beach club management got you to return your male thong.
Listen, I know you want to freak out, but this is a normal part of teenage development.
I remember I remember, Dre, when I was a teenage girl, I had two diaries.
One for my mother to find and the other where I wrote down my crushes and all my new swears.
Of course you were dirty.
What do you mean, dirty? Your parents were terrible.
How could this happen to us? After football season, we are all going back to church.
Well, we don't need to punish everybody, Dre.
Look, we need to stay calm or she's just gonna hide more things from us.
So when I get home from work, you and I are gonna sit her down together and we're gonna talk about what she did and figure out how we're gonna move forward.
That's the plan.
- I like it.
- Okay.
Can I hold a belt? No.
Fine.
I'm just going to wear one just in case.
- Hey, Dre.
- Yeah.
I tried to send you my Instagram story of me going to a Black barber, but you didn't come up.
Did Did you accidentally block me again? Ah, no, Josh.
Even though I would love to ignore that story, I deleted my account this morning.
- Oh.
- Well, that's probably for the best, Dre.
All those pictures of you in fancy cars and diamonds made me want to pay you less.
- Hm.
- What happened, Dre? Oh, did you accept a request from a Russian model and now none of your computers will turn on? No, I found Diane's secret account, where she's posing like a model and getting likes from guys old enough to vote but don't.
Sweet mother of God, Dre.
What foreign country are you sending her to? You don't want any place west of Belarus.
That was my first instinct.
But then Bow convinced me that we need to be sensitive with Diane so that she can continue to trust us! That is such nonsense.
Young girls don't need trust.
They need to think that behind every door is a man waiting to besmirch them physically.
- What? - Exactly right.
Diane needs to know that all teenage boys are wolves.
And she is a little lamb.
That's right, Dre.
Men are just angling at ways to get at your daughter, and once they do she belongs to the night.
She broke the rules.
She's not some helpless creature, man.
Diane can handle herself.
We raised her right.
But did everyone else's parents raise them right? Hmm.
I know I didn't.
Look, Dre, here's the thing.
If my teenage daughter were to get pregnant, maybe it would lower my chance of winning "father of the year" award, but if your teenage daughter gets pregnant, well, then you and she are just a stereotype.
Isn't the world funny? Hey, who's thinking hot sandwiches? I am starving.
- I do! - Come on, let's get it.
- Let's do it! - Oh, yeah! - Hey, Grandma.
- Yeah, babe? Can I talk to you? It's about me and Olivia.
Ah, you need relationship advice, so you came to the only person you could trust.
Yeah.
Also, nobody else is home.
Sit down, baby.
So, Olivia and I have been doing this "around-the-world" food tour.
- Mm-hmm.
- And she loves it so much, but it has been killing my stomach.
- Mm-hmm.
- I don't know what to do.
I really like her.
How do I tell her I hate something she loves? Well, that's an easy one, baby.
- You don't.
- What? Secrets are the foundation of all good relationships.
- Hmm.
- Couples need a little mystery.
You think Barack goes to the bathroom in front of Michelle? Hell no.
They have boundaries.
But I'm lying to her.
Isn't that wrong? Is the lie making you a better boyfriend? Maybe? Then it's not wrong.
Listen, I lie to your grandfather all the time, and our relationship has been going strong for fifty years.
Didn't you blow up his boat? And some day, God willing, she'll blow up your boat.
- Oh.
- The point is, is what she don't know won't hurt her.
- You understand? - Yeah.
Get the hell on where you're going.
- Thanks, Grandma.
- You're welcome.
Mm.
No wonder the baby has allergies.
The guys at work tried to scare me, but I knew Diane had a good head on her shoulders.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, new sweatshirt? Oh, it's not mine.
I got cold during Spanish, so Jason gave this to me.
Jason? Jason, who fills out that sweatshirt? I mean, it's actually kind of tight on him.
He really bulked up over the summer.
He took his shirt off during football practice, and I heard the coach gasp.
Hey, son, uh, can you give me and Diane a minute, please? Sure, but if you want to hear more about how truly large Jason is, you know where to find me.
- Uh, baby girl.
- Mm-hmm? Uh, you're gonna have to give that sweatshirt back.
But he said I can keep it as long as I want to.
Yeah, that's what all boys say.
Take it off.
Okay, fine.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Hey! Did you wear that to school? Yeah, I thought it was cute.
I knew I should wait for Bow to handle things, but We need to talk right now.
This boy is trying to take advantage of you, and I'm the only one that's preventing him from doing so.
Sweet Black Jesus, how ripped is he? Is he a high school student or a government experiment? - Hey, babe.
- Hey, babe.
- How was your day? - Oh, my day was great.
Let me tell you something.
I had no surgery today, and I finally mastered the firefly pose in yoga.
Suck it, Six-Pack Stacy.
There is a new favorite in class.
Hey.
Okay.
Well, I'm glad somebody had a good day because I had to come home and put out a fire with Diane.
Oh, no.
Wait.
What happened now? She let a boy give her a sweatshirt.
Okay.
Don't worry.
- I handled it.
- How? You pose like that online, your cuteness brings the boys to the yard! A boy will think that you owe him for every little thing that he gives you.
A breath mint could be the only thing between you and maternity pants! Jason He gave you his sweatshirt, uh-huh, but I guarantee you this! He will be nowhere to be found when you're eight months pregnant with hemorrhoids and ankles the size of softballs! Oh, you thought I was done?! I'm not done! What are you, a youth pastor in Alabama? Dre, there is a reason that we talk about these things together.
It was an emergency.
And you should be thanking me.
Dre, you just blew up all of the open lines of communication that we worked so hard to build with Diane.
We need to talk to her.
Teenagers think they're grown today, and they're not.
All right, my mother came down hard on me, and it worked.
You're terrified of your mother.
All Black men are terrified of their mothers, Bow.
That's how love works.
While I was keeping the heat on Diane, Olivia was keeping a different kind of heat on Junior.
And we've reached our next culinary destination: Malaysia! I I love curry, and I love fish heads.
Put them together, look out! Oh, the recipe called for seven different chilies.
I had to go to three different grocery stores just to get all the ingredients.
You didn't have to do that.
Anything for you, babe.
Dig in.
Is everything okay? Yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, just savoring the aromas.
Mmm! Delicious.
Mmm.
Mmm! Ooh! You just feel the the spices.
Just goes right down your throat.
I know.
Just like fire.
So I sent my building manager an e-mail asking if we can change these blinds to curtains, and guess what.
He said he wants all the windows to be uniform, and I'm like, "We face an alley.
Nobody's gonna see the blinds.
Nobody's gonna see the" My mouth is on fire! What? Oh, my God.
Are you okay? Junior, are you okay? Seriously? No! I'm not okay.
It hurts so bad.
So, so bad.
All of this spicy food is killing me.
My stomach feels like a like a like a wet paper bag just full of hot coals.
Well, then why have you been letting me cook you all this spicy food? Because you like spicy food so much.
And I like you so much.
You know we don't have to agree on everything to date, right? Of course I don't know that.
Everything that I know about dating I've learned from watching my parents and "Think Like a Man" movies.
Okay.
If we're going to work, you need to just be honest with me.
I'm still going to like you for who you are, okay? Okay.
Unless you're into Frisbee golf.
I mean, it's just a waste of park resources.
Honey? - Hi.
We brought your sweatshirt back.
- Hi.
So, we want you to know that you are in control of your own body and you can do whatever you want with it.
But the pictures that you're posting, they give people a window into something that you should keep private.
Boys thumb through Instagram like it's a Cheesecake Machine menu, and you are dressed like a Jalapeño Popper.
And you can dress like a Jalapeño Popper if you want to.
Because it is your right as a woman.
Okay, so I have the right to do what I did, but I shouldn't have done it? Okay, I got it.
Listen.
You are building your identity as a woman.
And you should have the freedom to explore that without being tied to the judgments of society.
And society will judge you.
But I want you to remember that while you are ignoring the judgment.
Does that make sense? - I guess.
- No.
Okay, so we've handled that.
- What? - Yeah.
Yes.
All right.
There we go.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'll leave it alone, but you know what? When your mama go to work, I'm taking the door off the hinges.
Oh, good, you're here.
What year did America open? Right, I knew it was definitely before I was born.
I just couldn't remember how far.
You seem angrier than usual.
Mom and Dad cornered me about that sweatshirt.
You'd think after Dad yelled at me for like an hour, we'd be done, but no.
Here comes Mom, to yell at me in her "quiet" way.
She can say "sweetie" as many times as she wants.
We're still being yelled at.
Are you just as tired as I am of Mom and Dad cracking down on us? Yes, Dad forced me to add him to my close friends list on all of my accounts because he says he wants to keep an eye on things.
But all he ever does is put fire emojis underneath everything I post.
It's weird for your dad to say that your shirtless basketball picture is fire.
So you were half naked and Dad said nothing? And Mom liked it? This is ridiculous.
I can't post a photo of me wearing lipstick, but you can flaunt your bird chest all over the Internet? Unh-unh.
Nope.
Let's go.
We've all got to have a talk.
- Come on.
- What? Like an eagle or like a sparrow? What kind of bird are we talking? Mm-hmm.
Hey.
Good, you're here.
Hey, Diane, set the table.
Do you think it's fair you're treating me differently because I'm a girl? Okay.
Fine.
Uh, Jack, set the table.
Diane, we do not treat you differently.
- You don't? - No.
You've seen Jack online.
He's shirtless and sweaty.
And how many lectures did he get? Because I've gotten two so far.
That was a picture of Jack playing sports.
Nobody is paying attention to that.
- Really? - Yeah.
Because I bet Ashley Thompson saw it and liked it, too, which is probably why they've been making out in the school stairwell.
Whoa! This is not how I wanted it to come out, but it is true.
- Ooh! - My boy! But you don't know that because you're not in his business.
We don't have to worry about Jack as much because he can't get pregnant.
But he can get someone pregnant! You've always said you treat us the same, but you don't.
Hey, just to be clear, I'm really supporting this whole "boys will be boys" thing - that we've got going on, you know? - No.
Not now.
Obviously we are going to talk about Diane, but first we need to make sure that Jack doesn't get in over his head with that little Fast Ashley.
- Definitely.
- Mm-hmm.
Any girl who's willing to make out with Jack in the stairwell doesn't respect herself or the stairwell.
Oh, my God! Dre, we just did it again.
We're coming down harder on Ashley than Jack.
You know what? Maybe Ashley's father is having the same talk with her.
But he's probably not around because his daughter was kissing a guy in a stairwell.
Dre.
Look.
I know I sound like a caveman.
- Yeah.
- But it is my job to protect Diane.
And I'm not going to apologize for treating our son and daughter differently.
Even if we treat them the same, the world is gonna treat them differently.
I remember when I was in high school, if you were a girl and you had sex, you were automatically outcast.
If you were a guy, you were king.
Yeah, but back then if you wanted to brag, you had to tell your friends one by one or meet behind T-Will's house while his grandmother was grocery shopping.
- Eww.
- But now all you have to do is post and the entire school sees it in minutes.
I know.
I believe that women should be able to freely express their sexuality, but I know that it gets exploited.
None of this would be a problem if there weren't men in the world.
- Hey! - Yep.
Okay, I mean, you're right, but I just had to say something.
It's an unfair world.
Diane is fifteen years old.
I don't want to dump all of this on her shoulders.
But we need to prepare her for the world as it is, not the way we want it to be.
I know it's hard being the mother of a daughter in a patriarchal world.
Yes, I know some stuff.
Well, it could be worse.
I could be Ashley's mom.
Damn it.
I just did it again.
Ah, the Prince of Lies.
How'd it go, babe? I told Olivia the truth about how her spicy food rushes through me like a hot mountain spring.
Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear about you and Olivia.
No, Grandma, when someone really cares about you, you can tell them who you are and they'll still be there.
Oh, so I'm just supposed to tell the love of my life that "our" song the one we got married to is the same one I had with my last boyfriend and the boyfriend before that and the boyfriend before that and the boyfriend before that? "Let's Stay Together" was your song with all those guys? You find a good one, you stick with it.
I don't want to take the chance of hurting your grandfather.
Trust me, Grandma.
You're going to feel a lot better if you tell him the truth.
Okay, baby.
So now that you're smelling yourself, you think you can come out here and talk to me like you're the second coming of Black Jesus? I put diapers on you, boy.
- Go on, get out of here.
- All right.
Long, lanky ass.
No matter how many years we've been doing it, we keep finding there's more and more to being parents.
Uh, you ordered pizza? Well, you failed as parents, so we thought we'd treat ourselves.
- Mm-hmm.
- Huh, that's fair.
Ah, as you know, this wasn't our finest day as parents.
And that's saying a lot because you once left us on a ski lift.
Okay, and I know you guys are twins and are used to being treated the same.
- Mm-hmm.
- But there are gonna be times where we're gonna talk to you differently because you're getting older and going through different things.
Yes, and, Diane, it is so much harder on women, especially on the Internet.
- Yeah, way hard.
- Mm-hmm.
So I advise you not to read any comments on any of those apps or websites ever.
And we promise that you will both get the same support and the same honest information from us.
- Yeah.
- Okay? - Thanks.
- Okay.
And when it can be the same, it will be the same.
- Mm-hmm.
- All right? For instance, you're both grounded! - What? - I don't understand.
What do you mean? Did you think that we forgot that you lied to us about a fake account? No, you, young lady, cannot leave this house for two weeks! For w No! What? And you, my son, what are you doing tramping around the school campus - like some trollop? - Yeah.
What are you trying to do, get a reputation? You get two weeks as well! What?! Bam! Sometimes you get it wrong, but, man, parenting feels so good when you get it right.
Let's stay together Junior, what are you up to? What? - It's just your favorite song.
- Yeah.
Sung by your favorite man.
I'm so in love with you Whatever you want to do Sing, baby.
Is all right with me Yeah.
'Cause you make me feel so brand new All right, all right, Earl.
Come on, now.
You don't have to do that.
All right, baby, look, I know I'm no Al Green, but I'm a little Al Jarreau.
You know? - Sit down, honey.
- Hmm? I need to get something off my chest.
Is everything all right? Okay.
Earl.
Our song hasn't only been "our" song.
It's been my song with a lot of others.
Now, I've kept that secret for years, but Junior felt I should be honest with you.
Well, at least that explains why he said, "Hey, Pops, come put the moves on Grandma.
" I'm sorry.
I thought it was harmless.
Baby, I don't care about that.
I can't blame you for loving a classic.
And I suppose I also can't blame you for wanting a little consistency in your romantic life.
Now, I know I haven't always been the best provider of that for you.
You're the most consistent thing in my life, Earl.
For better or worse.
Mm.
Well, let's keep aiming for better.
I love you.
I love you.
And while we're getting things off our chests, um No, no.
Just hold on.
Let me say this, now.
You know, for the first five years we were together Yes? I thought your name was Ruthie.
I did.
- You know, if you say it like R - Oh, my God.
- Say it fast.
Say it fast.
- Y-You know what? - Ruby, Ruth.
Ruby, Ruthie.
- You might want to shut up like right now.
Just let it go.
Let it go 'cause I heard you scream that one night.