Live at The Apollo (2004) s07e07 Episode Script

1 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Jason Manford.
Hello.
Good evening.
Oh, wow.
Hello.
Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
Hello, how are ya? OK.
God bless ya.
So, how does this work then, you all signed up for tickets and then they told you to come along? That's pretty good, that's pretty good.
Did you reserve where you sat, you wanted front row? No? You just turned up at, what, three o'clock or something and just went front row centre? I think I've seen you in my garden, mate.
That is pretty eager.
It's weird reserve seating, you've done well here, first come first served.
Reserved seating can backfire, I think, in this country.
I went up to the Edinburgh Festival, a couple of years ago.
Anyone been up to the Edinburgh Festival? It's great fun.
I went up to the Edinburgh Festival to see a mate of mine in a show, another comic, called Jason Cook, who lives up near me in Manchester.
And he's only in a little room, a little 40-seater room, and me and my brother have turned up and there's only two seats left.
One of them had a reserved sticker on, one of them didn't.
So, I said to me brother, "Right, come on, we'll have to sit here.
"You have the reserved one, because I booked the seat, so you can take the risk.
" He's a bit nervous about it, five minutes into the show, he's checking the door, you know.
Half an hour into the show, he's starting to grow in confidence, you know, that sort of squatters' rights, you know what I mean? You're like, if anyone comes now, I will fight for this seat, like.
Five minutes before the end of the show, we've both forgot it was ever a reserved seat in the first place, until the comic says, on stage, he says, "Ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of my show," he says, "before I go, I would like to dedicate tonight's performance to my dad.
" Yes, strap yourselves in, this gets worse, right? He says, "I'd like to dedicate tonight's performance to my dad.
" He said, "He passed away six months ago, "and the last show he ever came to see was in this very room, so" Honestly, he's proper crying and everything, it was awful.
He says, "As a mark of respect, I like to keep the seat that he was sat in that night "reserved.
" And a hush fell over the audience, a real silence, you couldn't hear anything.
Obviously, I could hear my brother's arse going, you know, but apart from that, apart from that And then a little light came on to show everybody which seat it was.
It was all darkness, apart from my brother just sat there like that.
As I'm edging away like, "You lousy bastard, "I can't believe you sat in a dead man's seat.
" My brother's a laugh.
Not the brightest, not the brightest.
We were playing football once, he opened up a new pair of shin pads, looked dead disappointed.
I said, "What's up with you?" He said, "I've just bought these the other day.
" He said, "I've just opened 'em now, one's a large, one's a regular.
" I said, "I think that's left and right, mate, "I don't think they would sell 'em like that.
" His wife is a teacher and primary school teacher, and he come home the other week and he said to me, "Have you heard what's going on at her school?" I said, "No.
" He says, "They've got this new thing, it's called two stars and a wish, "or sandwich punishment.
" I said, "Sandwich punishment, I don't understand what this is.
" He says, "Well, basically, you can't just tell a kid off any more, "you've got to give him a compliment either side of the negative, "so he doesn't go away feeling bad about himself.
" That's true, that's a real thing, and you wonder why the country's on its arse.
It's all these people rioting and looting, "Oi, put that telly down, you little bastard, "although it is one of the top brands, so good choice.
" Anyway, I said, "I don't really understand, what do you mean? "Give us an example.
" I did understand, I just know he's not very good at examples, so So he says, "Well, you get the kid and you go right, you, "you're good at colouring in, I'll give you that ".
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but you're a little shit.
" There was a bit of a pause and he went, "But your mum's quite fit, so" I don't think that's come down from OFSTED, do you? They're the things that help comics, having a funny family, those sort of things help comics.
The other thing that helps is the Comedy Gods.
You don't know about the Comedy Gods if you're not a comedian, but the Comedy Gods, they float around all theatres, helping us out when we get ourselves in a jam.
Sometimes, you'll get a heckle, and the Comedy Gods help us out.
What they do is they plant an idea, a little thing in your brain.
It goes past that little filter - you know the filter that says, "Should I say this out loud to a load of strangers?" - then comes straight out of your mouth.
The first time you hear it is the first time you hear it.
And I remember, I've got in trouble loads of times, I remember getting in, I was doing a gig in Liverpool Yeah, that's right.
You don't come out of this very well, to be honest, love.
I was doing a gig in Liverpool, and it's a great city.
It is a great city, it's really fun, but early on, it's a hard place to play.
And I was 17 when I first started stand-up, all fresh faced, not even shaving, and I've walked out onto the stage, there's only seven people in the audience.
And one of them decided to heckle.
I've gone onto the stage all ready to make 'em laugh and a bloke goes, "Where's your pubic hair?" I crumbled, I crumbled.
I don't know if anyone's been heckled at work, it's not nice.
I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, on stage.
And all of a sudden, I heard my voice.
And the first time I heard my voice, I thought, "I know that voice.
"Oh, shit, it's mine," that was the first thought I had.
He went, "Where's your pubic hair?" And I heard myself just say, "In your wife's teeth.
" Right? Now, I don't know where it came from.
I tell you something you're laughing more than they did.
I've still not been paid, that was a tough night, man, a tough night.
I remember looking out I was in Dudley another time, I was stuck in Dudley one night, and I was Oh, we get to all the great places.
and I was looking down Dudley's one of my most favourite places in the country.
About four years ago, in Dudley, there was a front-page news, right, that Dudley was the UFO hotspot of the UK.
They interviewed this woman, who said the best thing I've ever read in my life.
This is what she said, word for word, she went, "I was looking out the window" She wasn't very good at the accent either, right.
She goes, "I was looking out the window and I saw, "a Dorito-shaped object in the sky.
" Just think about that for a second.
A Dorito-shaped object in the sky.
I thought to myself, who, right, when describing shapes, right whose brain gets to Dorito, before it gets to triangle? Who is that, what's going on there? That's someone who's seen more Doritos than triangles.
I was in Dublin recently and a woman came up to me at the airport, she went, "Oh, my God, it's you!" I said, "What?" She went, "It's, I can't believe it's you off the telly.
" I said, "Oh, right.
" She went, "Me mammy's a massive fan of you.
" I said, "Oh, I love it.
" "Do you mind if I ring her?" I went, "No, of course.
" "Mammy, Mammy, you'll never guess who's here, "it's only Tyrone from Coronation Street" I still signed the autograph and that, but it just felt wrong.
We've got some proper famous people in, we've got Downton Abbey, where's the Downton Abbey folks? There they are, hello, Downton Abbey.
Which did very well in America, of course, winning lots of Emmys and stuff.
Did you go over and collect those awards? No, you weren't invited.
That's fair enough, just Hugh Bonneville by himself.
"I'll get this, you're all right.
" What I enjoyed was the fact that America loves it so much.
Of course America loves Downton Abbey, it's because that's what they think England is like all the time.
They think it's a documentary.
I'd love to A few months ago, American tourists were coming over to try and meet Hugh Bonneville, and they're expecting some gentleman to put his coat over a puddle, and actually, they just witnessed a bloke being sick in his own shoes and an eight year old petrol bombing Footlocker.
You know, it's very different in it? Oh, it's very different off the telly, isn't it? We've got, McFly.
God bless ya.
God bless ya, McFly.
And, of course, you've got two front men, two lead singers.
Danny and Tom are the two lead singers.
Yeah, high five, I love it.
Come on now, you're 30, stop it.
Can't do high fives any more.
Danny, of course, going out with Miss England.
Yeah? I love that, there she is, Miss England right there, yeah.
People just presuming she's pretty, that's a fair presumption.
I love that, there's hundreds of men in this room who've told their girlfriend they're the prettiest woman in the country, Danny's the only one who's got a certificate.
It's official.
Who else have we got? We've got Sarah Beeny, everybody, Sarah Beeny.
God bless ya.
Who, of course, runs a dating website.
It's a dating website for single people, of course, and their friends put them on there.
Now, that works for women, doesn't it? That works for women, because women are nice, aren't they? Yeah.
They go, "Ah, Rachel, she's dead funny, she's dead pretty, "and you'll have a lovely time.
"She just wants to go for walks and strolls, "and occasionally cry herself to sleep.
" But that's not going to work for blokes, is it? Imagine a bloke putting his single mate on this website of Sarah's.
"Yeah, Jeff, yeah, he's a bit of a knobhead.
"He's a big fella, you know, built for comfort, all that.
"You know that bloke from the Go Compare advert? "Well, if you like him, you are going to love Jeff.
" Like Sarah, I've got loads of kids as well.
You've got four, is it? Four boys? I've got three girls.
I've got twin girls who are two years old, and I've got another one who's eight months, another girl, she's all right.
Well, you know, I've not known her as long.
But It's hard, because they let you go home the next day.
I think that's too soon.
They let you go the next day, and you're like, "I'd rather stay here surrounded by professionals, "and machines and that, know what they're doing.
" They let you go with this human child, and you think, have I strapped 'em into the car seat all right? You're going about four mile an hour crying, driving home, tractors overtaking you, people walking past you on the pavement.
Every time you go round a corner, you can hear the baby moving about in the boot.
It's a nightmare.
It's a nightmare from day one.
And nappies, of course.
I went into ASDA one night.
I said, "Excuse me, love, where are your nappies?" She said, "Babies nappies?" I was like, "Yeah!" I would have asked where the toilets were, wouldn't I? I don't want to see that, at the supermarket, some bloke coming out of ASDA George changing room, "Have you got these Huggies in a 38, love? "They're chaffing me.
" There was this one night, where one of my daughters, she'd not had a poo for five days, right? I know, awful, nobody wanted to hold her.
You know, when it gets to that point? It's like a dirty game of Buckaroo.
You're like, "Oh, no, you have her.
" Anyway, one night, I'm lying in bed, it's about three o'clock in the morning, and a noise comes over the baby monitor.
And it wasn't a cry, I would have been expecting that.
It was like this, imagine this.
Pitch black Now, my first thought was that Predator had just walked past my window, like, kind of had a weird dream, like.
Anyway, I dropped back off.
I thought, there's no point us both being awake, so I dropped back off She'll still be there in the morning.
I dropped back off, about ten minutes later Now, that's a terrifying noise to hear, but not as scary as two words from my wife, "You go.
" I was like I tell you what now, Apollo, I went in that room I never changed that nappy, that nappy changed me.
Do you know what I mean? I've not been the same since, man.
Are you ready for your first act of the night, folks? Please welcome one of my favourite acts in the world, please welcome Jimeoin.
Thank you.
Not a bad entrance.
Best entrance I ever seen was a swan coming to land on a piece of water, on a lake, and, er as he hit the water, his two feet left off a spray either side, and as he slowed down, he just showed off his wings before folding 'em away.
He did that Oh, yeah, he knew it was good.
Other birds don't have such a good entrance.
Pigeons don't make a big fuss when they arrive, do they? Any messages? Stupid walk, isn't it? All birds have got stupid walks.
Chickens, why do chickens walk like they're in a minefield? It was one step too many there, wasn't it? So, one chicken just walking round like this here, he didn't care where he was going.
Next thing, he blew up.
I saw two pigeons Last pigeon joke, I swear.
I saw two pigeons in a park, male pigeon, female pigeon.
Male pigeon's making a move on the female pigeon, doing that thing where he's got his neck all fluffed up, you know, doing that, and he had a little bit of a purple two-tone band, I'd never really noticed it before.
But it was working for him, subtle, but, you know I thought, that's nice.
And he was doing that, "Brrr!" I don't know what he was saying to the female pigeon, but whatever it was, it was pure filth.
Cos the female pigeon was going get him away from me.
And he was doing that, he had that neck, he was doing that That's always filth, isn't it? Do you ever talk filth to a girl and go too far, and then you can't back up? "Sorry, love, that was a bit much, wasn't it? "Let's start again.
"What's your name?" Trick to talking filth is you've got to get them talking filth.
And the trick to that is just mumble the last bit.
That's all you have to do.
You go, "When I get you home, I'm going to" And they know what you're up to, and if they're not up for it, they always go, "No, no, no, no, no, no.
" But if they're up for it, they always go, "What did you just say?" And then you can go, "What do you want me to do?" And then you've got them talking filth and you've said nothing.
And then you can go, "No, no, no, I'm not having that.
" I don't talk filth to my wife, I talk clean to my wife.
I go, "When I get you home I'm going to "put the bins out.
"You slip into bed and I'll "stick the dishwasher on.
"Read your book, fall asleep, I'll slip in beside you ".
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and leave you alone.
" "You promise?" "Tonight's the night.
" So, my name's Jimeoin, I'm Irish.
Any Irish people in? Good to hear.
I'm from Northern Ireland.
But I'm Irish.
There's a difference, yeah.
I was actually born on an island off the coast of Ireland called England.
English people called Irish people stupid.
We didn't like that.
But we didn't really have a good comeback.
Wasn't till I went to Australia and they called English people whinging poms.
I thought, that's fantastic.
I thought, why didn't we think of that? Must be stupid or something.
Any Australians in? Good to see.
Any New Zealanders? Oh, God.
Cheap tickets.
Any Tibetans? I hate Tibetans No.
I don't care who hears this, I'm going to tell it as it is.
I was in New Zealand, I went to a rugby match.
And I was sitting in the stand and they all got up, all these school kids got up and started doing the Haka round me, doing that, you know, that That's the way they do it too, you know, they give it everything, they fully commit to it.
You never see anyone doing a half-hearted Haka.
You never see that.
I'd love to see England play New Zealand in the rugby in the finals.
And while the All Blacks are doing the Haka, the English team just doing a little bit of Morris dancing.
Hankies and ribbons.
Anyway, that's all from me.
Thank you very much, and Goodnight, thank you.
Jimeoin, everyone! Thank you.
Jimeoin! Are you ready for another act, folks? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Tom Stade! All right Wow, all right.
Good evening, Apollo! Very happy to be here.
I know a lot a people throughout the show tonight, you're going to be thinking to yourself, you're going to be going, "Tom "Tom, you're not from around these parts.
" And you're going to be thinking to yourself, you're going to be going, "Tom "where is that funky accent from?" And I'm here to tell ya, it's from smoking dope for 20 years.
This ain't a regional thing, ladies and gentlemen.
This is what the doctor likes to call 'damage'.
I've actually been married for about 16 years now.
Any married people? I love being married, because I get to do things that, like I go on what I call married dates, man.
And I love married dates, because you can say stuff on a married date that you can't say on no first date.
You get to say stuff like, "I'm going to go take a shit, "you order something cheap.
" Yeah, man, I've got to go on married dates, because I don't have any friends any more.
All my friends became assholes.
And do you want to know why my friends became assholes? Cos she told me they were assholes.
I used to get this from my gal all the time.
She used to walk up to me and go, "So, er, why do you hang out with that Dave guy, anyways? "I mean, Jesus Christ, all he does is smoke pot and get drunk all day.
" And no man can answer that honestly, you know.
No man What are you going to say? "No, baby, I'd rather argue with you for ten hours.
"Or maybe we can hang around the kitchen table "and talk about the finances some more?" But you ever pull that on your gal, you ever walk up to your gal and go, "Oh, yeah, well, what about your friend Cindy? "She does the same damn thing.
" You want to know what you get? You get this Now, you see that little arm cross there? Not a lot of people know it, but when a woman crosses her arms, it means, fight's on, dickhead.
And do you want to know what I hate worse than the arm cross? Is there's this little laugh that women give you after the arm cross.
And I've heard this laugh 1,000 times, from 1,000 different women, it's like cave women have passed this laugh on.
Cos they just look at you and they're like Like they've just witnessed a car accident.
Yeah, because once you hear that laugh, the gates of hell have closed behind you.
Then they're into it.
Then they're like, "Don't you talk about Cindy like that!" And I'll tell you why, and every single one of you women in this room know why you don't talk about Cindy like that.
Because she is going through a really rough time.
So, Cindy's going through a rough time? Well, at least Dave was never a hooker.
Cos I used to know stuff, man.
I used to know stuff.
Before I was married, I knew stuff.
I used to know all the new rock 'n' roll bands.
I used to be into it.
McFly and stuff.
Now, I don't know I don't know any new rock 'n' roll bands any more because nobody sings songs for married people.
All the songs nowadays is stuff like I met you today And I want to shag you right now.
And that don't speak to me.
And if it did, I'd be in a lot of trouble.
Nobody rocks out to marriage, nobody's in the garage singing about love that never ends and goes on until you die.
Nobody sitting there going We've been together for 16 years And we've got our health I can't afford to leave ya now Compromise Killed my dreams.
See, some people can laugh at that.
A lot of people right now are looking at me going, "That's a little close to the bone, Tom.
"Now you're talking about us.
" And I know there's a woman in this room right now probably looking at her man going, "You don't feel that way about me, do ya? "I didn't compromise your dreams "did I?" Your dreams get compromised.
As soon as you have kids.
I had two kids, that's when my dreams went out the window.
I had to give my dreams to them.
I had two kids, man, it's weird.
I only thought I'd have one.
So, we had the first one, and then we thought, "OK, we'll have another one, and we'll be creating a playmate for the first one.
" But really, what we did is created the first kid's arch-nemesis.
Superman, I'd like to introduce you to Lex Luthor.
You just get dumber.
My kid makes me feel stupid.
My kid's always asking me questions I don't know.
My kid's always coming up to me going, "Hey, dad, why's the sky blue?" I'm like, "Why don't you go to school and learn something, dickhead? "Why are you embarrassing me in front of all my friends? "How did you get into this strip club, anyways? "Why don't you ask me questions I know? "Like, why is your mom crying in the bathroom? "Cos she likes to play the victim, son.
" Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen! You've been excellent! Tom Stade, everybody! Have you had a good night, folks? So, please show your appreciation for the acts you saw tonight.
You saw Jimeoin! And Tom Stade! I've been Jason Manford.
Goodnight.
God bless.
Thank you very much.