M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e07 Episode Script

- [Groans.]
- [Groans.]
Welcome to the oven, Hansel.
I think I'm ready to be basted.
Even my fingernails are sweating.
- When is this heat gonna end? - About five minutes before winter.
- Come on.
Let's get out from under this hot moon.
- I think the cheese is melting.
- What's this? - I don't know.
It could be a large box.
Probably another care package for Charles.
Something important like his Toscanini collection.
Knowing Charles, it's probably Toscanini.
It's from Abercrombie and Fitch.
It's for us! The bathtub! [Laughing.]
- Six months we've been waiting! - [Laughs.]
- It's beautiful! - Beautiful? You ingrate.
It's gorgeous.
It's magnificent.
It's the - It's beautiful! - It's the only tub from here to Seoul.
- And it's ours, all ours! - Let's set it up, see how it handles.
You know what this means, don't you, Beej? From now on, we bathe.
- Not a shower.
A bathe.
- Oh.
[Chuckling.]
No more standing in line waiting for a measly trickle down your back.
When a man has his tub, he's his own island surrounded on all sides by clear, refreshing water.
- [Chuckles.]
- I feel cooler already.
Everybody should have one.
Can you imagine how they'll envy us when they find out we got this? - We better hide this thing.
- We better hide it.
- Uh, no.
Uh, no.
- A tub! What are you two doing with my tub? - Yours? - What makes you think it's yours? It's characteristic of my family to send me one.
We bought this from our relatives Abercrombie and Fitch.
To make a long story short, Charles, you come out high and dry.
Your middle-class sense of decency and fair play will overwhelm the malice you now bear me and soon I shall be luxuriating in that canvas Xanadu.
And if that craps out, I'll just bribe you silly.
- Not on your life, boy.
- All right.
Perhaps you gentlemen wouldn't be adverse to, uh to a little blackmail.
- Oh, camp - Fifty people won't fit in that tub.
- You wouldn't tell everybody about our tub, would you? - Not if I'm in it.
[Whistling.]
- Here's your coffee, sir.
- Hot coffee, today? You have hot coffee this time every day.
It's almost like a habit.
I'll tell you what.
Leave it on your desk for a few hours.
- Let it cool off.
- That's how I got it to warm up.
I guess nothing makes sense at 104 degrees Fahrenheit.
- Gee, I like your palm, sir.
- I had Mildred send it to me.
I'm growing it for the shade.
Sir, you're looking at a man who is slowly killing himself and I must warn you, it's no thrill to behold.
Not today, Klinger.
I'm very close to my boiling point.
Klinger, you smell like the raccoon that died under our house.
There's a method to my madness, O Short One of the Open Pores.
- Watch it.
- Colonel! If I can't go home with a Section Eight I'm gonna take advantage of the current weather and kill myself by dehydration and/or heat prostration offending as many people as I can along the way.
Well, that's one way out of this man's army.
I've always thought of it as that man's army, sir.
Out of my office, fur ball.
My untimely death will be on your head, Colonel.
- Out! - Come, my cheap mink.
- Radar, do we have any incense around? - I'll get the incense.
[Hawkeye Laughing.]
Keep it quiet, will ya? You gotta sing, sing underwater.
- Good morning, B.
J.
- Oh, good morning, Father.
Hot enough for you? - [Sighs.]
Purgatorial.
- [Duck Quacking.]
- I like to think of it as a sinner's sneak preview.
- [Hawkeye Laughing.]
So, what can I do for you, Father? Well, as the showers were occupied I thought I'd use the scrub sink to cool off.
- Go soak my head, as it were.
- [Duck Quacking.]
[Laughing.]
Isn't that interesting? Hawkeye and I had the same idea.
He's using it now.
- Yes, he seems to be enjoying himself.
- [Hawkeye Laughing.]
If I may be so bold, B.
J.
, you're lying to the wrong fella.
- Uh, Hawk.
- Why, you little devils! I have a good mind to baptize you both in dirty water.
Good work, Beej.
That's really keeping them out.
Forgive us, Father, for we wanted you to know not what we do.
Oh, don't worry about me.
I'm next, after Winchester.
Who's after me, who's after you.
- Up! - Oh, it's beautiful.
Thank you from the whole gang.
Let's try to keep the gang down to four, okay, Father? Oh, you're forgetting.
I'm in the secret business.
I want it! Women often have that reaction when they see me naked.
Wonderful.
Charles is probably announcing it on Armed Forces Radio.
All right, what deal did Winchester make with you that he had no right to? I supply the bubble bath.
Oh, look at it! Oh, I'm just gonna soak in it for hours.
Careful, Margaret.
You're drooling on my ducky.
- Well, now we are five.
- Four if we drown Charles.
You certainly don't think he's running around telling other people about it? - [Voices Overlapping.]
- All right, hold your water, everybody.
This can still work.
We hide this when we have to.
We respect each other's privacy, change the water now and then and above all be greedy and keep this thing to ourselves.
- Amen.
- [B.
J.
, Margaret.]
Amen! [Sighs.]
- Are you all right? - Oh, sure, sir.
- It's just the heat and the work, that's all.
- You look like an old banana.
- Thank you, sir.
- You've been bustin' your buns all day.
I'll tell you what.
I'll give you a hand.
We'll have you outta here in no time.
- That's very nice, but the work is - I wanna help you.
- I know, but it's not that hard.
- And I'm going to help you whether you want it or not.
- I knew I'd see it your way, sir.
- Dandy.
Okay, I'm putting these in the personnel file and I'm filing them in alphabetical order, like A, B, C, D, E, F I'll pick it up in a minute.
Sir, Corporal Klinger reporting with a surprise for your eyes.
- Holy cow! - How about it, huh? - You can't get these just everywhere.
- Klinger, I'm impressed.
The latest in rubber reducing suits.
I'm getting out of here if I have to go pint by pint.
- Aren't you getting a little carried away, son? - Oh, I hope so, sir.
But you alone have the power to save me.
Let's face it.
Would a sane man abuse himself like this? Just lookin' at him makes my eyes woozy.
Klinger, this one is definitely in the running.
Oh, be still, my sweaty heart.
I think I see daylight.
By golly, maybe you do.
I'll tell you what.
If you can stand being in a getup like that for another 24 hours you are the craziest man I've ever met.
You mean to say that I mean to say that whatever's left of you can have that magic Section Eight.
- Wow! - Eureka! I did it! I did it! Whoa, whoa! You didn't did it yet.
- You've gotta prove you're a maniac.
- [Chuckling.]
If you'll pardon the seasonal pun, sir, no sweat.
All right.
Let's synchronize our watches.
Oh, sorry, sir.
My watch went for the rubber suit.
- But I'll trust you.
- Okay.
Twenty-four hours from mark.
You're on your way, Klinger.
Good luck.
Thank you, Colonel.
I kiss your palm.
Oh, Radar, when you've got some time later, I want to call home and order my Toledo Mud Hen season tickets.
- You bet.
And good luck.
- I'm free.
Free.
Free! - Hello, Margaret.
- Hello yourself, and see how you like it.
Wait.
Don't tell me.
Let me guess.
- You're upset.
- You bet I am.
I had a free half hour this afternoon and Admiral Winchester beat me to the tub.
Um Um Margaret, we don't use the "T" word in front of company.
- Oh, you're right.
- Would you please keep your hot lips sealed? Can we move along, sir? We've already had three servers faint from the steam.
I'll just have the salad.
Brown lettuce? What am I supposed to do with this, eat it or smoke it? You think that's brown? Look at the mayonnaise.
Right back at you.
You want green, have the liver.
- Mind if I fast here? - Huh? Oh, sure.
You can sit down if you want.
Radar, don't pick at your food.
It'll never heal.
- Your tonsils again, huh? - Yeah.
- Your temperature's up a little.
- It's a hot day, sir.
I don't think the penicillin's working.
Eventually, they're gonna have to come out, you know.
Oh, no, sir.
Please? Just give me a bigger dose of penicillin.
- Maybe that'll cure it.
- I don't know.
- You're pretty moldy right now.
- Please? Please? - Please? - All right.
For now, I think we should get your temperature down though.
How you gonna do that, sir? Can you keep a military secret? Anything.
At the risk of severe personal injury, I'm about to break a sacred vow.
Last night, B.
J.
And I got a very important package from home.
You mean the bathtub from Abaloney and Finch? - You know? - Well, of course.
I signed for it.
- And you didn't tell anybody? - Of course not.
Who cares about a bathtub? - Shh! - What? What? Don't you understand? You can fill it with water and get in it.
Are you crazy? Get into a bathtub full of hot water? I got a temperature.
Radar, you can also fill it with cool water.
Oh.
Cool w - Oh! I could cool off in the bathtub.
- Good idea.
Let's go.
Wait, wait, wait.
Could I have privacy with nobody around? - Not even a mirror.
- Let's go.
- Did I hear right? - A bathtub? I heard right.
[Mouthing Words.]
All right, Radar.
- [Radar.]
Is there anybody out there? - It's all clear.
- I even blindfolded the duck.
- Are you sure, sir? 'Cause I'm all naked and everything.
Radar, my eyes are closed, my back is turned, and I'm ready to leave.
- You call that naked? - Oh, I knew you'd peek! All right, I'm going.
But promise me one thing.
Don't bathe with your shorts on.
They'll balloon up, and you'll float away.
Okay, I'm going.
Enjoy your privacy, Corporal.
- [All Clamoring.]
- Oh, it's beautiful! - [Voices Overlapping.]
- Oh! Don't look! Don't look! All right, all right! So you know! But don't tell anybody! [Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention! The Pierce/Hunnicutt bathtub will remain open on a first-come, first-soak basis.
Your cooperation is appreciated, but not expected.
Ah, that Pierce and his big mouth.
I'll probably never get to use that thing.
Private, are you watching the time? Everybody's got 10 minutes, Major.
If someone goes 11, I got orders to shoot.
This is the ultimate degradation forced to stand in line with the great unwashed.
Hey, how can you people dress like that? Are you nuts? You'll freeze.
- [Shouts, Groans.]
- Quiet! Boy! What I need right now is a bracing cup of hot chocolate.
Hey, hey, don't bunch up over there.
You're a sucker for an avalanche.
That man is the Michelangelo of deviant behavior.
Looks who's talking.
Most people just sing when they bathe.
I always listen to music whilst tubbing.
This morning, my suds shall ripple to the sounds of the "1812 Overture.
" - Easy, easy.
Clods.
- Private, 10 minutes! - Not according to Mickey.
- Margaret Margaret, relax.
Just think about that cool water dancing over your ever-receptive skin your body soothed into a state of deep contentment - while every pore cries out in ecstasy.
- [All Moaning.]
It's fabulous.
It's just fabulous.
Besides, it's something to do.
I can't stand it anymore! I can't stand it! Who's ever in there, come on out this minute or I'll yank you out! Do you hear me? Come on out of there! - [All Shouting.]
- Get him out of there! Now just one blessed moment! I'll come out when my time is up, and not one minute before! It's my bath, and I'm taking it! So there! Forgive me.
Six months we waited for that bathtub.
Now we're gonna have to wait in line six more months before we can use it.
Tell me again.
The first 50 times didn't sink in.
Come on.
I'll buy you a beer.
You can cry in it.
- Buy me two.
- Two beers.
Radar, I'm sorry I drove you to drink.
It's just Grape Nehi.
It'll be on my conscience forever.
I'm looking for Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt.
- Here.
- Present.
Clifford Rhoden, Supply Sergeant, - I wanna buy your bathtub.
- Rhoden.
Rhoden.
- The Scrounger.
- Oh, right.
Sergeant Rhoden of Sears and Rhoden.
Supplies a wide variety of contraband even if he has to rob his grandmother to get it.
- You read my brochure.
- The tub's not for sale.
It's been in my family since yesterday.
I couldn't bear to part with it.
Well, let me work my magic on you.
- Watch it.
- I got it all.
- Radios, tailor-made clothing.
- No.
- Twelve-year-old scotch.
- Help me, Beej.
Steady.
Steady.
No deal, Rhoden.
Hard sell, huh? All right.
Here's somethin' nobody can resist.
Stag films guaranteed to make a grown man blush.
Probably kill you.
- No sale nohow.
- I got it figured out.
You're making money on this, aren't you? I seen that line out there.
How much you charging, five bucks a butt? Ten? - Nothing.
- Nothing for a skinny dip in paradise? - What are you guys, Communists? - Nyet.
All right, but you haven't heard the last of Sergeant Rhoden.
- Nobody says no to the Scrounger.
- No? The entire free enterprise system is ridin' on this one.
Oh.
What a creep.
Boy, I thought he had you guys on that 12-year-old scotch.
- Nah.
- To willpower.
Quick, drink before I run after him.
- All right, Radar, let's look at that throat.
- No, it's okay, honest! - Come on.
- Come on.
Let us in before we come in after you.
All right, you can look, but don't touch anything.
- They're purple.
- That's the Grape Nehi.
- Oh.
- Oh, we've left them in too long, Radar.
- They're ready to be picked.
- Oh, geez, I knew it.
I knew it.
Isn't there anything else that can be done? Sure.
Leave 'em in.
Be miserable the rest of your life.
- I'm willing to take my chances.
- No, you're not.
Let's go.
Oh, geez.
How long will it be before I can talk good? How long you been trying? - How much are we charging Radar for this? - Nothing.
He promised to leave his teddy bear to science.
- Hey, Doc, can you spare a salt pill? - Oh, Klinger, come on! - Get off it, will ya? - Not when I've come this far.
I don't care if they send me back in an eyedropper, as long as they send me back.
- Where do you keep the salt pills? - Somebody asking for salt pills? Salt pills? Oh, uh, not for me, sir.
Some of the other people are having problems with the heat.
Weak constitutions, quitters, that sort of thing.
I thought I'd spend my last day helping others.
As for myself, sir, I'm fresh as a daisy.
- But you smell like a garlic blossom.
- Well, back to work, sir.
Back to work.
You know, boys, that little tub of yours is turning into a big monster.
That line out there is a burning fuse.
Do you read me? Aw, Colonel, don't make us pull the plug.
That isn't just a tub.
That's 63 gallons of civilization.
Wonderful.
When the camp goes up in smoke, we can use it to put out the fire.
- Now you're being practical.
- And another thing.
I don't want you rushing through Radar's operation.
Don't worry about a thing, Colonel.
We'll see you inside.
- Now tell me again how we do this.
- I thought you knew.
Steady, steady.
You want more suction? - Just more silence.
- Okay, okay.
But sometimes, the simple operations prove to be the trickiest.
I had a professor who stitched that on a cadaver.
Good Lord! Tom Sawyer and Becky are still lost down there.
- Just finish the operation.
- Not till I find Injun Joe.
Easy, easy.
Calls for a lighter touch.
Steady as she goes.
- You wanna show me how, Colonel? - All right.
He's taking the instrument.
You gotta go lightly around the superior pole.
Steady as she goes.
Steady as she goes.
Hey, hurry up in there! Nobody's that dirty! - How would you know? - Oh, pardon me.
I cannot.
You are inexcusable.
Listen, Major, just because you live in this line doesn't mean you own it.
- Curb your tongue, dogface.
- Thanks for saving my place.
Hey, what do you mean, your place? Your place is behind him.
Nothin' doin'.
I forgot my shampoo.
Now I'm back where I was.
You're gonna be someplace you never been if you don't get outta here.
- Make me! - Now, now, now, idiots.
Hey, fight.
Good fight over here.
Throw some water on them.
Break it up.
There's a war on, you know.
Hey, good fight out here.
Good fight.
Right over there.
Gentlemen.
Boy, I tell ya watching a tonsillectomy like that can be really grueling.
- All right, all right.
- If you doctors will excuse me I'm gonna slip into my Buster Crabbe swim fins and take the plunge.
- Oh, yeah? - [Yelling, Shouting.]
Come on! Break it up! Break it up! - Let me at him! - You were at him.
- All you did was break his shirt.
- What started this, as if I didn't know? He tried to shove in line ahead of me.
Well, that's certainly enough reason to kill a man.
That's it! I don't care how you do it, but get rid of that tub.
- It's a menace.
- [All Protesting.]
- Aw, come on, Colonel.
I want it out of town by sundown.
Send me instead.
- Swell.
- Come on.
I'll treat you to a measly little shower.
- ["1812 Overture'".]
- Comin' through! Excuse me.
Ahh.
Good.
- [Groans.]
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- [Groans.]
- Oh, hello.
- Major.
Ah, Radar.
I didn't recognize you without your tonsils.
If you guys come by to make me feel better, don't come by.
Hey, it's gonna hurt for a couple days, then it'll be all over.
How about a nice cool drink of water? That oughta drown your sorrows.
Uh-uh.
No more water.
Ice cream strawberry.
Radar, this is Korea.
There isn't a Good Humor man within 10,000 miles.
Then could you guys kind of leave? I'd like to be alone in my misery.
All right.
If you want us, you have our card.
And don't talk so much.
Sirs? I'm sorry I'm such a pain.
It's hard to be nice when you're miserable.
We know, Radar.
We know.
- [Horn Honking.]
- Here's opportunity! Knocking once more.
I figured out why you don't want to trade for the tub.
- It's 'cause you hate me.
- Oh, you've only scratched the surface.
This time, I've brought just my first-line merchandise.
Will you listen to me, please? - Okay, we'll listen.
- Yeah.
You-You will? G-Good.
Swiss-made watches, guaranteed to do everything but yodel.
- Who cares what time it is here? - No.
Remember me telling you about that 12-year-old scotch? A whole case.
- Sold.
- Great.
- Hawk? - Huh? - We can do better.
- Plus what? - Radar.
- Oh, yeah, right.
Plus, we want, uh, uh, Ice cream in this heat? - Strawberry.
- Strawberry.
- Two cases of scotch.
- Okay, two cases of scotch.
- Two cases of scotch.
- Okay, two cases of scotch.
- And the ice cream.
- Oh, come on, sirs.
Give me a break.
That's our final offer.
Scotch á la mode.
Well, I got some connections that's got some connections in the navy and maybe one of them aircraft carriers out there could spare a gallon or two.
- I'll see what I can drum up.
- If it's 10 gallons of strawberry, you got a deal.
Deal.
[Scoffs.]
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
I sure am losin' my touch.
Last war, could've talked you down to a can of Spam.
And a can of Spam! Thought I told you boys to unload that wet elephant.
Oh, done, Colonel.
We just closed escrow.
Oh, yeah? What'd you get for it? - Uh, some ice cream for Radar.
- Oh.
- Five gallons for each tonsil.
- Hot diggity! I'm proud of you.
That was not only obedient, but damn nice.
Hot.
! Hot.
! Hot.
! [Yells.]
I can't stand it anymore! I can't stand it anymore! Gangway! [Yelling.]
- [Loud Splash.]
- [Screaming.]
He jumped in with me! Oh, it's a crying shame.
He only had an hour to go.
- [Screaming.]
- [Wolf Whistles.]
Oh, Radar? Don't get up now.
If Lois Lane will excuse you for a minute, there's something we'd like to show you.
- What's up? - A wave of the hand, a flick of the wrist and a hearty, "Hi-yo, Silver!" Type one each, ice cream.
Strawberry.
Delicious.
Holy cow, that's real ice cream! How'd you do it? Well, let's just say you'll never have to worry about taking a bath again.
Oh, boy, you guys are real pals.
You better get started.
You've got a lot of ice cream to eat.
- Dive in, Radar.
- Here goes.
We know you got the ice cream.
! Come on.
! [Yelling, Shouting.]
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! - How about it, Radar? - The scoops are on me.
All right, line forms here, one at a time, single file.
Me first.
I gotta gain some weight.
[Voices Overlapping.]
- [Knocking.]
- Come in.
It's too hot to get up.
- Major Houlihan - I take it back! Get out! I'm here with a peace offering.
I'd like to ask your forgiveness for my unforgivable behavior when I interrupted your bath this afternoon in spite of the fact that at the time I was half-crazed with heat prostration.
- You certainly were.
- Please let me finish.
There was no excuse for my jumping in with you in the state of undress that you were in.
- Apology accepted.
Give me the ice cream.
- Enjoy it in good health, ma'am.
- And once again, I'm sorry for barging in on you - You already said that.
Good night, Major.
Oh, by the way are you doing anything Saturday night?