My Family (2000) s07e07 Episode Script
Abi Ever After
Okay I've done the banner, the food's all sorted and the champagne's on ice Susan, this is just a pre-wedding party Did we have to order real champagne? I mean, some of those sparkling Spanish wines are just as good True The sparkling wine you wanted to order came from Libya Well, those New World wines, darling, are excellent Libya is not the New World It's one of the oldest civilisations on Earth And just two quid a bottle Did you pick up the figures for the top of the cake? Yes Although I couldn't get a groom with Roger's vacant, slightly confused stare Well, I could always paint one on It's just that weddings always make me a little emotional A new couple starting a home, sharing adventures, having children, maybe grandchildren And then dying What? It's the cycle of life It's a beautiful thing I'm getting married in the morning Who, me? Yes, me! Ding dong! The bells are going to chime - Morning How's my best man? - Yeah Stinking of Pledge and ten grand poorer How's the hangover, Ben? - That was some stag night - Oh, don't remind me What? A bottle of shandy, watching The Railway Children? Good God, I can sleep that one off - Flowers, Roger? - Oh, yes, they're from mum She still can't make the wedding but she sent these - Very classy lady - Lilies? Aren't they more for - What? - Nothing Seriously, Ben, it's going to mean so much to me standing at the altar with my best friend at my side Why, has he been in touch? Well, if he wants to do it, it's fine by me Oh, you big kidder! So, all set for tomorrow? Yes It's tomorrow, isn't it? (BREATHING HEAVILY) Gosh, gosh, the day's almost here He's going, Susan The most important day of my life He's having one of his panic attacks Do something No, no, no! Not that I'm getting a tingling down my left arm - He's getting hysterical - Boo! No! It's a panic attack, not the hiccups Actually, Susan, I do feel a little bit better Oh, let me give him a little slap just to be on the safe side No Ben, Ben, Ben Well, it's going well so far Hello It's quite fun having people around Yes, Ben It's what's called a social life Oh, yeah Have you seen the silver fruit bowl? I put it upstairs in case someone nicks it Good move Hi, Abi, any last-minute nerves? No Just a flutter of excitement in my tummy every time I look across the room and see Roger You sure it's excitement? 'Cause nausea can feel very similar Oh, God Mum's on the pull again - Mum - Oh, Abi - Lovely to see you, Shelly - Back at you I thought Clairol had stopped making that colour Actually, it's natural Well, the dye's made from natural ingredients Ben, still as handsome as ever Well, I like to keep myself in trim Yeah, um No Bernard with you tonight? He was two husbands and three houses ago - Oh, keep up, babes - You certainly seem to get through them Yeah Yeah, I do, don't I? That's why I'm so proud of my little Abi Jumping into the saddle from which her poor old mam has been thrown so many, many times You're so brave - Excuse me, I'll get another drink - Oh, top me up, babe Sorry You know, Susan, I think I married the wrong Harper when I married Dick I tell you, babes, you want to hang on to this one You're a very lucky girl I tell myself that every time I pick up his underpants from the floor Oh! Don't start talking about his pants You'll get me at it - I think I'll circulate - No Don't, Susan, don't Susan Hello Susan Janey Janey! I don't suppose either of you have remembered it's my birthday tomorrow? - Um - That would spoil the surprise Don't even bother trying to lie Everyone always forgets And to top it off this year, my boyfriend's away, Kenzo's with his dad and I've got to spend the day at a cabbage patch wedding Well, at least you get to be a bridesmaid Oh, whoop-de-doo! Yeah, Michael, have you seen my dress? Yeah, how would you like to spend the day looking like something that covers a toilet roll? Hello Totty at two o'clock Watch and learn, Alfie - Alfie, there you are - You know each other? We were chatting in the kitchen earlier - Then it's high time you introduced me - That's Michael Thank goodness you're here I was just saying to Alfie if this party doesn't liven up soon, I'm going home - You mean upstairs to your bedroom? - Yes I still live with my parents, too It's lovely though, isn't it? - Yes - I need to go and get another drink - I'll get it - I'll get it - What are you playing at? - She's after me Beautiful women are drawn to me like moths to a flame Flies to a corpse, you mean? Now, back off Why don't you back off? Well, if you're going to behave like this, we're clearly going to need some ground rules I'll tell you what the rules are, Michael There are no rules, mano a mano.
Suits me May the best man win - No mercy - No surrender - No quarter asked - No quarter given - After you - No, after you Right, see you later Bye Enjoying yourself? Good, good Lovely Don't drink too much Good After you Great Ah, yes Alone at last Roger's uncle's just been sick in the downstairs loo He thought the potpourri was Bombay mix - Sit down Relax, have a drink - Have a drink? Have a drink? It may have escaped your notice but this is a party Susan, calm down Look, look, look, I haven't done anything for ages What can I do to help? You could clear up the sick in the downstairs loo Nope Apart from that Okay You're so right You're so right I'm just going to sit here and enjoy my red wine Hello, darling Hello Did I mention I do a bit of modelling? Michael - Cheers, Mum - Michael, are you meant to have alcohol with your special medication? They're not for you anyway I want you to hand these round for me Actually, Mum, I'm talking at the moment Michael! (ALFIE EXCLAIMING) Thank you, my man Thanks BOTH: Cheers Yeah, you know, Michael's very close to his mother, which is quite common with gay men - Michael's gay? - Yes Yes, that's right But he's only just come out so he's not really comfortable talking about it - Strange - Yeah, you wouldn't think it, would you? Mind you, the walk is a bit Well, no, 'cause he said exactly the same thing about you Oh, Roger Is it right us seeing each other like this the night before our wedding? I'm a maverick, Abi I make up my own rules That's right, babe, get stuck in You never know how long that moment's going to last Hello, Ben Hello, Shelly Mum Anyway, I'd better be getting on myself People will be wondering where I am Oh, no, you don't, Ben Harper - You ain't going nowhere - Really? Aren't I? It's about my teeth This one here Well, pop down the surgery anytime No Not good enough I want you to look at it now And I can open very wide I'm sure you can Right Okay Right, well, let's have a little look then, shall we? Can't Can't be too Can't be too careful Okay Let's use a little spatula Sorry, sorry It's party time Open wide, then Oh, dear Oh, dear, dear, dear Let's have a little look Now, I need a little bit more light here Okay No, no I really can't see anything No, you seem to be perfectly intact Ooh, you're so assured (GIGGLING) Oh, dear Going down You're such a fast worker Oh, hi, darling Just checking Shelly's bicuspid I've never heard it called that before - Hola.
- Take anything Take anything but don't touch the face - Are you all right, Ben? - What are you doing up so late? Oh, no reason I shouldn't trouble you with it anyway Okay Fair enough Good night, then Abi, are you crying? No Oh, come here Come on Sit down What's up? It's just getting married I don't know if I'm doing the right thing What? Is that marrying in general or marrying Roger? Because there is a difference No It's just I saw my mum tonight and it really made me think I mean, she's been married God knows how many times - and she's never made it work - Well, that doesn't mean you can't - Do you think? - Yeah Look I don't profess to know everything there is about marriage, but, well, for me and Susan, it just seems to work Really? Yeah Look, Abi Marriage is like It's like a boxing match, you know? Two people in a ring Sometimes they're dancing together and sometimes they're holding on to each other for support and the next minute they're knocking each other senseless Right But, you know, when the whole thing's done, final bell is rung, you can count on one thing You'll go up to each other and have a little cuddle? Nah You're going to need medical attention - Right, thanks for that - Yeah Actually not a bad analogy, that Yeah, boxing Yeah Love boxing Mind you, it's on Sky now, pay-per-view Bloody rip-off - Right, well Night, Ben - Yeah Good night Have I Have I been any help? Yeah You've really cleared things up for me That's good Good I'll have a little nightcap, then Mum, it's awful You look - You look like a princess - Yeah - The one in Shrek.
- It's fine (STATIC BUZZING) - Bloody hell! - Yes, Mum I'm enjoying the luxury of 100% pure nylon Thank God my Steve's not going to see me in this I'm sorry, Janey, but today's about Roger and Abi Just about Roger and Abi? Today doesn't have any other significance for you? The clocks don't go back, do they? - My birthday? - Oh, darling (STATIC BUZZING) - Bloody hell! - Sorry, Mum For goodness sake, don't hug your Uncle Vernon He's got a pacemaker Hello What are you crying for? You're not paying for it Ben, I have occasional tables that have more sentiment than you Why do they call them occasional tables? I wonder what they do for the rest of the time? What a curious little world you inhabit Hello, Shelly Where is this bride? - She said she needed to clear her head - Really? That won't take long Okay, in the meantime You fill in one number in that Sudoku, and I'm booking this church for your funeral I see, so neither of you are gay That's right Yes I think, as heterosexual men who aren't afraid of commitment, we were both just caught up in the emotion of last night Oh Michael, are you okay? Yeah, well, I've just been puking my guts up in the bog Well, it certainly hasn't blunted your silver-tongued charm with the ladies Must have been something I ate I need some air Well, I don't see how that's possible, I made him breakfast myself Nice hairdo, very Russell Brand It's the static It won't go down It's all I can do to keep my arms by my side (MOBILE RINGING) That's me Oh, it's Steve Hi, baby How are you? Yeah Yeah, it is bad connection Yeah, there must be static on the line because it sounded to me like you just said you were dumping me You are dumping me? Hello? Wouldn't it just be easier if you put a message on your voice mail? "Hi, this is Janey Press one if you want to dump me" Ow! Next time, you get a hug Shh, please What's she doing, Ben? I mean, where is she? - Calm down, Roger - Abi! Abi! Roger, calm down Roger! It's all right She's probably got distracted by something shiny (PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS ON ORGAN) No, no, no Tell her to stop Stop! Sorry Sorry Sorry about that Okay Women Women, eh? Always late - You're the best man Go and find her - Right, okay (EXCLAIMING) Shelly, you do realise I'm married to Ben? Of course I do, babes, but you can't blame a girl for trying - Where's Roger? - He's gone outside looking for you They're over there, look Cooee! (PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS ON ORGAN) Well, why not? I could give you several reasons why not I do And do you, Abigail Teresa Bernard Harper, take Roger Bailey to be your lawful wedded husband, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, from this day forward, so long as you both shall live? Abi? No You what? I'm sorry I've been having doubts and something Ben said last night made it very clear I can't go through with it What? You'll have to ask Ben Ben knows all about it (STAMMERING) I think she said Ken She said Ken Yeah, yeah, she said Ken I mean, I definitely heard Ken It was Ken, wasn't it? - No, it wasn't - Okay I want to know how someone as evil as you can come into a church without turning to dust Don't worry, Rog She'll get her back She'll get her back And it's fine You know, you're still young Plenty of fish in the sea All right, calm! Calm down, it's fine It's fine Just over-excitement And I'll find his Play music, music, anything Just Sorry (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC) Abi, what is this? I can't go through with it I just can't But why? You and Roger are made for each other He's a lovely man Exactly I'm not good enough for him I'm just like my mum Oh, I'll be all right for the first year, 18 months Then my head will get turned by some flashy used car dealer, and I'll be off on the first yacht to Monte What? We've always been flighty, us Harper women Infidelity runs in the blood Roger deserves better than that Abi, it doesn't work like that I'm nothing like my mother She's an alcoholic control freak who can't cook All I'm trying to say is just because your mother is an amoral, philandering trollop doesn't mean that you are - Do you really mean that? - Of course I do But what about what Ben said? What did Ben say? About how marriage is like being punched in the face for 12 rounds by Mike Tyson Did he? That's what marriage is going to be like for Ben But it shouldn't be normally, and it won't be for you and Roger (PANTING) Everything all right? So, our marriage is like a boxing match, is it? Ah, so Abi told you about our little chat? Good, good So we can move on If by "move on" you mean I put your conkers in a coffee grinder, - then, yes, we can move on - Okay Good Fine So, I'll report back, shall I? So how long shall I say? - Get out - I'm getting out, getting out Doing as you say Thank you Now, how could you ever think a man like that could be right about anything? I know what you mean He's an idiot, isn't he? Now, are you ready to go out there again? Well, there's something else What now? - There's another man - What? (PLAYING HELLO MUDDAH, HELLO FADDUH) Hello Good, good, you're enjoying yourselves, great It's me again Um Right, just to keep you in the picture I can't quite get an angle on this fellow Ken yet, but there may be some developments quite soon So, in the meantime, just, you know, relax, enjoy yourself And I've got a Sudoku, so I'll be getting on with that So, thank you for your patience Sorry to keep you - I don't blame you, Ben - No Thank you Yes, but it was Ken I know Here, while there's a lull in the proceedings, how about you and me sneaking into that little Roller out there and checking out the suspension? Say what? Come on, it'll be a bit of a laugh Yes, it would Well, call me old-fashioned but, you know, your daughter's out there You know, shouldn't you be with her? I mean, after all it is her wedding - Gather your nuts while you may - Please (GROANING) What? It's my birthday Shame I haven't got my guitar He pawned it 'cause he hasn't got a job - Michael's got a rash - Alfie Can I have a word? Look, she clearly fancies me, so just back off What do you mean fancies you? It's me she's after She was open-mouthed when I was telling her about the recent advances in animal husbandry Yes It was the longest yawn I've ever seen Look, I've backed down for you in the past Now it's your turn to do a favour for me ALFIE: So that's why you've dragged me in here MICHAEL: Yes It's the only place we could do this Well? ALFIE: But why should you always be the one who ends on top? MICHAEL: I don't Anyway, we should be taking it in turns - Is it serious? - Yeah, deadly - When was the last time you saw him? - Friday night - Where was Roger? - He was with me - What? - I know I'm terrible, aren't I, Susan? Hang on Last Friday night we were all together watching Pirates of the Caribbean.
This man, it's not Johnny Depp, is it? How did you guess? It was written all over my face Abi, there's nothing wrong in fancying Johnny Depp - I fancy Johnny Depp - Back off, he's mine No, Abi Everyone fancies Johnny Depp Even Ben fancies Johnny Depp A bit So, what are you saying? I'm saying you've just wasted Now get out there and marry Roger It's all right Just relax, just relax Just take a breath, come on Hi, Chloe Look, both of you, just come out - Come out? - I'm not gay Can't you see? You're made for each other If I wasn't the bride, I'd knock your block off Why? - What did you say to Abi? - I didn't - How did you turn her against me? - Roger, I've told you once, I've told you twice, it was Ken! All right? It was Ken Sorry (PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS) (STATIC BUZZING) I caught the bouquet! Happy birthday to me Janey! Janey! Happy birthday Bloody hell! Okay Right, now, where were we? (MUTTERING) Abigail I do Right! Let's hit the bar! No, no, no Abi and Roger have written their own vows Smashing - Roger, you wanted to go first - Yes Yes (VOICE CRACKING) "Abi, my love for you "is like a Is a" Ben, you're going to have to read this for me - What? - Just read it But I think we're all done legally aren't we, Vicar? - Ben - I "Abi, my love for you is like a raging fire "A fire that burns night and day, "not unlike the Great Fire of London that began in Pudding Lane "when a baker left a candle burning" Aw (CLEARING THROAT) "The fire, of course, led to the destruction "of the original St Paul's cathedral "making way for the new St Paul's designed by - "Christopher Wren" - Christopher Wren Ah, here we go "My love for you, Abi, is like a volcano, "not unlike Krakatoa" Sorry A bit more about the natives worshipping it as a god Blah, blah, blah, Abi "Abi, you complete me" - Thank you - It's all right Roger I think I better read Abi's vows "Roger, you're great" Oh, Abi! You may now kiss the bride ALL: Aw It won't last Never does (PLAYING RECESSIONAL MARCH ON ORGAN) Well, finally worked out quite well A successful Harper wedding, for once It was quite romantic there at the end, wasn't it? It took me back to the two of us standing in front of the altar, in front of the vicar, - exchanging vows - Yes, without your mother's beady eyes in the back of my head So do you have any advice for Roger and Abi in your best man speech? Yes I do, actually I've got one or two sage words of wisdom about the rocky road of marriage I'll wing it You didn't really think we'd forget your birthday, did you? What? Birth It really is your birthday? Oh, Mum! Oh, it's lovely Sorry, darling, my heart can't take any more shocks today - Dad? - And I don't like hugging generally
Suits me May the best man win - No mercy - No surrender - No quarter asked - No quarter given - After you - No, after you Right, see you later Bye Enjoying yourself? Good, good Lovely Don't drink too much Good After you Great Ah, yes Alone at last Roger's uncle's just been sick in the downstairs loo He thought the potpourri was Bombay mix - Sit down Relax, have a drink - Have a drink? Have a drink? It may have escaped your notice but this is a party Susan, calm down Look, look, look, I haven't done anything for ages What can I do to help? You could clear up the sick in the downstairs loo Nope Apart from that Okay You're so right You're so right I'm just going to sit here and enjoy my red wine Hello, darling Hello Did I mention I do a bit of modelling? Michael - Cheers, Mum - Michael, are you meant to have alcohol with your special medication? They're not for you anyway I want you to hand these round for me Actually, Mum, I'm talking at the moment Michael! (ALFIE EXCLAIMING) Thank you, my man Thanks BOTH: Cheers Yeah, you know, Michael's very close to his mother, which is quite common with gay men - Michael's gay? - Yes Yes, that's right But he's only just come out so he's not really comfortable talking about it - Strange - Yeah, you wouldn't think it, would you? Mind you, the walk is a bit Well, no, 'cause he said exactly the same thing about you Oh, Roger Is it right us seeing each other like this the night before our wedding? I'm a maverick, Abi I make up my own rules That's right, babe, get stuck in You never know how long that moment's going to last Hello, Ben Hello, Shelly Mum Anyway, I'd better be getting on myself People will be wondering where I am Oh, no, you don't, Ben Harper - You ain't going nowhere - Really? Aren't I? It's about my teeth This one here Well, pop down the surgery anytime No Not good enough I want you to look at it now And I can open very wide I'm sure you can Right Okay Right, well, let's have a little look then, shall we? Can't Can't be too Can't be too careful Okay Let's use a little spatula Sorry, sorry It's party time Open wide, then Oh, dear Oh, dear, dear, dear Let's have a little look Now, I need a little bit more light here Okay No, no I really can't see anything No, you seem to be perfectly intact Ooh, you're so assured (GIGGLING) Oh, dear Going down You're such a fast worker Oh, hi, darling Just checking Shelly's bicuspid I've never heard it called that before - Hola.
- Take anything Take anything but don't touch the face - Are you all right, Ben? - What are you doing up so late? Oh, no reason I shouldn't trouble you with it anyway Okay Fair enough Good night, then Abi, are you crying? No Oh, come here Come on Sit down What's up? It's just getting married I don't know if I'm doing the right thing What? Is that marrying in general or marrying Roger? Because there is a difference No It's just I saw my mum tonight and it really made me think I mean, she's been married God knows how many times - and she's never made it work - Well, that doesn't mean you can't - Do you think? - Yeah Look I don't profess to know everything there is about marriage, but, well, for me and Susan, it just seems to work Really? Yeah Look, Abi Marriage is like It's like a boxing match, you know? Two people in a ring Sometimes they're dancing together and sometimes they're holding on to each other for support and the next minute they're knocking each other senseless Right But, you know, when the whole thing's done, final bell is rung, you can count on one thing You'll go up to each other and have a little cuddle? Nah You're going to need medical attention - Right, thanks for that - Yeah Actually not a bad analogy, that Yeah, boxing Yeah Love boxing Mind you, it's on Sky now, pay-per-view Bloody rip-off - Right, well Night, Ben - Yeah Good night Have I Have I been any help? Yeah You've really cleared things up for me That's good Good I'll have a little nightcap, then Mum, it's awful You look - You look like a princess - Yeah - The one in Shrek.
- It's fine (STATIC BUZZING) - Bloody hell! - Yes, Mum I'm enjoying the luxury of 100% pure nylon Thank God my Steve's not going to see me in this I'm sorry, Janey, but today's about Roger and Abi Just about Roger and Abi? Today doesn't have any other significance for you? The clocks don't go back, do they? - My birthday? - Oh, darling (STATIC BUZZING) - Bloody hell! - Sorry, Mum For goodness sake, don't hug your Uncle Vernon He's got a pacemaker Hello What are you crying for? You're not paying for it Ben, I have occasional tables that have more sentiment than you Why do they call them occasional tables? I wonder what they do for the rest of the time? What a curious little world you inhabit Hello, Shelly Where is this bride? - She said she needed to clear her head - Really? That won't take long Okay, in the meantime You fill in one number in that Sudoku, and I'm booking this church for your funeral I see, so neither of you are gay That's right Yes I think, as heterosexual men who aren't afraid of commitment, we were both just caught up in the emotion of last night Oh Michael, are you okay? Yeah, well, I've just been puking my guts up in the bog Well, it certainly hasn't blunted your silver-tongued charm with the ladies Must have been something I ate I need some air Well, I don't see how that's possible, I made him breakfast myself Nice hairdo, very Russell Brand It's the static It won't go down It's all I can do to keep my arms by my side (MOBILE RINGING) That's me Oh, it's Steve Hi, baby How are you? Yeah Yeah, it is bad connection Yeah, there must be static on the line because it sounded to me like you just said you were dumping me You are dumping me? Hello? Wouldn't it just be easier if you put a message on your voice mail? "Hi, this is Janey Press one if you want to dump me" Ow! Next time, you get a hug Shh, please What's she doing, Ben? I mean, where is she? - Calm down, Roger - Abi! Abi! Roger, calm down Roger! It's all right She's probably got distracted by something shiny (PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS ON ORGAN) No, no, no Tell her to stop Stop! Sorry Sorry Sorry about that Okay Women Women, eh? Always late - You're the best man Go and find her - Right, okay (EXCLAIMING) Shelly, you do realise I'm married to Ben? Of course I do, babes, but you can't blame a girl for trying - Where's Roger? - He's gone outside looking for you They're over there, look Cooee! (PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS ON ORGAN) Well, why not? I could give you several reasons why not I do And do you, Abigail Teresa Bernard Harper, take Roger Bailey to be your lawful wedded husband, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, from this day forward, so long as you both shall live? Abi? No You what? I'm sorry I've been having doubts and something Ben said last night made it very clear I can't go through with it What? You'll have to ask Ben Ben knows all about it (STAMMERING) I think she said Ken She said Ken Yeah, yeah, she said Ken I mean, I definitely heard Ken It was Ken, wasn't it? - No, it wasn't - Okay I want to know how someone as evil as you can come into a church without turning to dust Don't worry, Rog She'll get her back She'll get her back And it's fine You know, you're still young Plenty of fish in the sea All right, calm! Calm down, it's fine It's fine Just over-excitement And I'll find his Play music, music, anything Just Sorry (PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC) Abi, what is this? I can't go through with it I just can't But why? You and Roger are made for each other He's a lovely man Exactly I'm not good enough for him I'm just like my mum Oh, I'll be all right for the first year, 18 months Then my head will get turned by some flashy used car dealer, and I'll be off on the first yacht to Monte What? We've always been flighty, us Harper women Infidelity runs in the blood Roger deserves better than that Abi, it doesn't work like that I'm nothing like my mother She's an alcoholic control freak who can't cook All I'm trying to say is just because your mother is an amoral, philandering trollop doesn't mean that you are - Do you really mean that? - Of course I do But what about what Ben said? What did Ben say? About how marriage is like being punched in the face for 12 rounds by Mike Tyson Did he? That's what marriage is going to be like for Ben But it shouldn't be normally, and it won't be for you and Roger (PANTING) Everything all right? So, our marriage is like a boxing match, is it? Ah, so Abi told you about our little chat? Good, good So we can move on If by "move on" you mean I put your conkers in a coffee grinder, - then, yes, we can move on - Okay Good Fine So, I'll report back, shall I? So how long shall I say? - Get out - I'm getting out, getting out Doing as you say Thank you Now, how could you ever think a man like that could be right about anything? I know what you mean He's an idiot, isn't he? Now, are you ready to go out there again? Well, there's something else What now? - There's another man - What? (PLAYING HELLO MUDDAH, HELLO FADDUH) Hello Good, good, you're enjoying yourselves, great It's me again Um Right, just to keep you in the picture I can't quite get an angle on this fellow Ken yet, but there may be some developments quite soon So, in the meantime, just, you know, relax, enjoy yourself And I've got a Sudoku, so I'll be getting on with that So, thank you for your patience Sorry to keep you - I don't blame you, Ben - No Thank you Yes, but it was Ken I know Here, while there's a lull in the proceedings, how about you and me sneaking into that little Roller out there and checking out the suspension? Say what? Come on, it'll be a bit of a laugh Yes, it would Well, call me old-fashioned but, you know, your daughter's out there You know, shouldn't you be with her? I mean, after all it is her wedding - Gather your nuts while you may - Please (GROANING) What? It's my birthday Shame I haven't got my guitar He pawned it 'cause he hasn't got a job - Michael's got a rash - Alfie Can I have a word? Look, she clearly fancies me, so just back off What do you mean fancies you? It's me she's after She was open-mouthed when I was telling her about the recent advances in animal husbandry Yes It was the longest yawn I've ever seen Look, I've backed down for you in the past Now it's your turn to do a favour for me ALFIE: So that's why you've dragged me in here MICHAEL: Yes It's the only place we could do this Well? ALFIE: But why should you always be the one who ends on top? MICHAEL: I don't Anyway, we should be taking it in turns - Is it serious? - Yeah, deadly - When was the last time you saw him? - Friday night - Where was Roger? - He was with me - What? - I know I'm terrible, aren't I, Susan? Hang on Last Friday night we were all together watching Pirates of the Caribbean.
This man, it's not Johnny Depp, is it? How did you guess? It was written all over my face Abi, there's nothing wrong in fancying Johnny Depp - I fancy Johnny Depp - Back off, he's mine No, Abi Everyone fancies Johnny Depp Even Ben fancies Johnny Depp A bit So, what are you saying? I'm saying you've just wasted Now get out there and marry Roger It's all right Just relax, just relax Just take a breath, come on Hi, Chloe Look, both of you, just come out - Come out? - I'm not gay Can't you see? You're made for each other If I wasn't the bride, I'd knock your block off Why? - What did you say to Abi? - I didn't - How did you turn her against me? - Roger, I've told you once, I've told you twice, it was Ken! All right? It was Ken Sorry (PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS) (STATIC BUZZING) I caught the bouquet! Happy birthday to me Janey! Janey! Happy birthday Bloody hell! Okay Right, now, where were we? (MUTTERING) Abigail I do Right! Let's hit the bar! No, no, no Abi and Roger have written their own vows Smashing - Roger, you wanted to go first - Yes Yes (VOICE CRACKING) "Abi, my love for you "is like a Is a" Ben, you're going to have to read this for me - What? - Just read it But I think we're all done legally aren't we, Vicar? - Ben - I "Abi, my love for you is like a raging fire "A fire that burns night and day, "not unlike the Great Fire of London that began in Pudding Lane "when a baker left a candle burning" Aw (CLEARING THROAT) "The fire, of course, led to the destruction "of the original St Paul's cathedral "making way for the new St Paul's designed by - "Christopher Wren" - Christopher Wren Ah, here we go "My love for you, Abi, is like a volcano, "not unlike Krakatoa" Sorry A bit more about the natives worshipping it as a god Blah, blah, blah, Abi "Abi, you complete me" - Thank you - It's all right Roger I think I better read Abi's vows "Roger, you're great" Oh, Abi! You may now kiss the bride ALL: Aw It won't last Never does (PLAYING RECESSIONAL MARCH ON ORGAN) Well, finally worked out quite well A successful Harper wedding, for once It was quite romantic there at the end, wasn't it? It took me back to the two of us standing in front of the altar, in front of the vicar, - exchanging vows - Yes, without your mother's beady eyes in the back of my head So do you have any advice for Roger and Abi in your best man speech? Yes I do, actually I've got one or two sage words of wisdom about the rocky road of marriage I'll wing it You didn't really think we'd forget your birthday, did you? What? Birth It really is your birthday? Oh, Mum! Oh, it's lovely Sorry, darling, my heart can't take any more shocks today - Dad? - And I don't like hugging generally