Not Going Out (2006) s07e07 Episode Script
Surprise
We're not going out Not staying in Just hanging around with my head in a spin But there is no need to scream and shout We're not going out We are not going out.
OK, Mario, here's how I pictured this party panning out.
I bring Mum and Dad to your restaurant for the so-called 'quiet meal' for three.
You greet us, the lights are dim, we sit down, and that's when everyone jumps out and shouts Toilet's blocked again.
Try the cupboard under the sink.
Don't be disgusting, Lucy.
We're not animals.
I mean that's where the plunger is.
It's not there.
Then for once in your life, use your head.
Go and buy a new one.
Shall we talk about the wine? Don't worry, you get used to him after a while.
Somebody's narky.
Look, I am trying to organise Mum and Dad's surprise wedding anniversary party.
Oh, right, so it's all right when you've got something in the pipeline that you don't want people getting a whiff of.
Geoffrey! Fancy seeing you kerb crawling.
I'm here to pick something up.
I wasn't expecting you to admit it.
A casserole dish Lucy borrowed from her Mum.
You can't go up.
I wasn't planning to go up.
I was going to phone Lucy and have her bring it down.
Right.
Why couldn't I go up if I wanted to? You could.
Then I will.
Then you can't.
She's got someone up there.
Who? A plumber fixing the toilet.
No wonder she doesn't want me up there.
I've told Lucy to always consult me before booking tradesmen.
I've seen what these plumbers get up to.
Taking advantage of young women.
Those films have changed a lot since the 1970s, you know.
I'm coming up.
Your dad's here.
What? He's coming up to collect some casserole dish.
Well why didn't you put him off? Oh, and what was I supposed to say? "Don't come up, Geoffrey.
Lucy's not in.
" Actually that probably would have worked, wouldn't it? Oh, hi, Dad! This is a surprise.
Yes, sorry about that.
You know how I detest surprises.
Well, it's lovely to see you, but I'm mad busy with work, so thank you for the dish and I'll give you a call later.
This is the plumber, is it? I was just explaining to your dad that Mario is here to fix the toilet.
In his capacity as a plumber.
You don't look like a plumber.
Well, he's Italian, he's got a moustache and he's called Mario.
What more do you want? Is he any good? He's super.
Then I suggest you put down that glass of wine, get back in that toilet and do what my daughter's paying you to do.
And when you've finished, I'll come and inspect your handiwork.
That's not the toilet, Mario.
That's my bedroom.
And don't let your nose tell you otherwise.
Geoffrey, do you fancy going down to the pub for a drink? No.
Come on, it's happy hour.
But don't worry, I can sneak you in anyway.
I'm waiting for that man to come out of the toilet so I can go in and inspect what he's done.
Well, everybody needs a hobby.
And the sooner the better.
I need to use it rather urgently.
Well, why don't you use the toilets down at the pub? Well, it's either that or the casserole dish.
Well, I suppose.
But I'm coming straight back.
Well, I've got loads to organise still, so make sure he stays there.
Daisy! What are you doing with all those balloons? Um She's, um got a niece who's having a birthday party.
What have they got written on them? I thought you needed the toilet, Dad.
That's a very specific message.
Oh, God 'It's A Boy'.
'18 Today'.
'Save with the Cheltenham & Gloucester'.
I was told to get a varied selection.
Well, Dad was just leaving anyway.
Oh, phew! Oh, I mean, "Phew, all the stairs.
" Why didn't you use the lift? You can't take helium balloons in a lift.
It would have gone through the flipping roof.
Some of the things written on that toilet cubicle are an absolute disgrace.
I mean, what sort of idiot spells glory hole with a 'W'? Right, well, I'd better get back and keep an eye on that plumber.
Oh, hang on, Geoffrey, I bought us both a drink.
I thought we could have a nice chat.
Have you got something you want to tell me, Lee? Oh, look, there's my new neighbour, Toby! Hey, Toby! Come and join us for a drink.
Oh, hello.
I thought you'd be at home, helping Lucy with all the arrangements.
This is Lucy's dad.
Oh.
Sorry.
Sorry for what? Nothing.
Yeah.
Nothing.
Sorry.
What do you keep apologising for? He's got this rare form of middle class Tourette's.
He has these strange outbursts of politeness for no reason.
Sorry.
Thank you very much.
Excuse me.
What did he mean about "helping Lucy with the arrangements"? Flower arrangements.
Yeah, Lucy's taken up flower arranging and I'm helping.
Flower arranging loopy nuts are we We're all flower arranging loopy.
I thought he was talking about the restaurant arrangements.
What restaurant arrangements? Lucy's taking us to a restaurant at the weekend.
Quiet meal.
Just the three of us.
Oh, that's nice, but shouldn't we be inviting your wife along too? Just to clarify, when I said arrangements, obviously I meant for the holiday she's planning.
What? The flower arranging holiday.
What flower arranging holiday? Go away.
Sorry.
Thank you.
How do you do? Is Lucy planning a surprise party? If you don't tell me, I'll go and ask Lucy directly and tell her who it was who aroused my suspicions.
All right, yes! There's a surprise party at the restaurant.
Please don't tell Lucy I aroused you.
Oh, for God's sake! What's the matter with her? She knows I can't abide this sort of thing.
Having to kiss Wendy's drunken friend, Sheila.
Showing an interest in Derek's prostate.
I'm sure he'd make do with a handshake.
I'll have to spend the whole evening pretending to please these dreadful, tedious people and hearing about their desperate lives.
Can I ask you a question, Geoffrey? What? How the hell have you got Well, I'll tell you now, I'm not going to any surprise party.
Thanks for the warning.
But you've got to.
I mean, Wendy - she'd enjoy a surprise party, wouldn't she? Wendy knows nothing about it, right? No.
How could she possibly know? Well, five seconds in a room with you would probably do it.
She doesn't know.
Then she won't be disappointed.
I'll go and tell Lucy right now to cancel it and not to utter a word to her mother.
What? You can't tell Lucy.
She'll kill me.
Even more reason to tell her.
If you tell Lucy you know about the party, I'll tell Wendy you got it cancelled.
You wouldn't dare.
Look, I'll tell you what, if you don't say anything to Lucy, I will get this surprise party cancelled, I promise.
OK.
Good.
But make sure you do it, and quickly.
Basically, it's a flower-based tour of Northern Europe.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry about what happened earlier, Mario.
As we say in Italy, "Non si e mai troppo prudenti.
" "Better safe than sorry.
" That's weird.
Why is the second bit in English? And I'm sorry about my father's behaviour too.
He can be a little brash at times.
Luckily, I inherited my mother's tact.
Get back in there and fix that toilet, you lazy Italian shit! Don't worry.
Your dad's gone home.
Can I have a word, please? In private.
That's a brilliant accent you've got, by the way.
What country is it from? Italy.
Oh, how lovely.
Have you ever been? When I was in the pub, I was trying to suss out whether your dad is the kind of person that would like a surprise party.
Oh, you didn't tell him about it, did you? Do you think I'm an idiot? You answer my question, then I'll answer yours.
Of course I didn't tell him, but I did get the sense That he'd hate it.
What? Dad hates all parties.
That's why it's a surprise.
It's the only way I could get him to come.
So, why even bother having it? Because it's not just about Dad, Mum will love it.
And Mum deserves a nice anniversary for once.
On their 30th - that's the pearl anniversary - Mum asked Dad to give her a pearl necklace.
And do you know what he went and did? Do I really want to hear this? He arranged for her to have her teeth whitened.
You know, pearls, teeth.
Thank God for that.
Imagine what he'll do on their golden wedding.
Please don't make me imagine that.
Look, I still think that you should cancel this party.
Cancel it? No, I don't want to hear any more talk about this party being cancelled.
OK? OK.
We need to find a way to get this party cancelled.
"We"? You're the idiot who blurted out to Geoffrey about the "arrangements".
Can't you just get him to change his mind? Impossible.
Stubborn isn't the word.
When he's got his mind set on something, there's no changing it.
Then surely, stubborn is the word.
And in your case, pedantic twat is the word.
That's two words.
Look, here's a plan.
Get over to Lucy's Mum and convince her to drop hints to Lucy that she wouldn't want a surprise party either.
And how am I supposed to do that? I don't know, but it's either that or hope they get divorced before their anniversary.
Great.
I mean I would stir things up a bit by sleeping with Lucy's Mum, but I think Lucy would have a few objections.
I expect Lucy's Mum would have some big objections too.
Well, one small one.
Come in, Lee.
This is a surprise, I must say.
Sorry, Wendy.
I bet you hate surprises, don't you? I bet you want time to prepare yourself for people.
You know, get some nice clothes and make-up on.
I have got my make-up on.
Oh, no.
No, not now.
Oh, no.
You look very attractive, as always.
Whenever I see you, you always look ready for anything.
You've missed Geoffrey, I'm afraid.
I know.
I saw him driving off.
That was about 20 minutes ago.
I know, but I hid in the bushes to make sure he wasn't coming back.
This isn't what you're thinking.
I would never, you know Not in a millions years.
Not that you're not, you know Because you are.
Especially with your lovely make-up on.
And without it, of course.
I'd quite happily, you know if you didn't have anything on.
Look, Wendy, there's no easy way of saying this, so I'll just come straight out with it.
Lucy's organising a surprise anniversary party for you and Geoffrey.
Oh, is she? Well, why on Earth would you tell me and spoil it? Because Lucy is getting really, really stressed about it.
What makes you say that? Oh, just silly little things she's been saying like, "Oh, I wish I didn't have this surprise party to organise.
" "It's making me so stressed, I think I'm going to have a breakdown.
" "Do you know anyone who can get me some Class A drugs" "so I can stop this intense screaming in me head?" "Otherwise I might just take the easy option and end it all.
" You know, silly stuff like that.
Well, obviously I don't want a party if it's going to make Lucy ill.
I'll drop some hints about not liking big parties.
Great.
I'll go round this afternoon with Geoffrey.
No, you can't tell that miserable old bastard! I think you'll find the word is "curmudgeonly".
OK, you can't tell that curmudgeonly old bastard.
Look, I'm sorry to be rude, Wendy, but I'm sure Geoffrey wouldn't be as tactful as you about the whole thing.
I think we shouldn't mention this to Geoffrey at all.
I suppose you're right.
Geoffrey would, as usual, take a sledgehammer to the nut.
That is one scenario I've imagined, yes.
Aw, look at these.
Mum and Dad on their wedding day.
Look at the sideburns and kipper tie.
Well, women's fashions were different in those days.
Why are you looking at photographs of your parents for? I'm thinking of getting them blown up.
That's one way to surprise them, I suppose.
KNOCK AT DOOR Ah, Wendy.
Thank God you're here.
The stressing is getting worse.
Hi, Mum! Hi, Lucy! I'm really looking forward to this nice little quiet anniversary dinner we're going to be having.
So much better than something big and noisy.
Oh, you love big, noisy parties, Mum.
Yeah, but I know what your Mum's saying.
All that drug-taking, sex in the cloakroom, police raids.
Yeah, but not all parties have to end up like your nan's 80th.
I'll make us some tea.
She doesn't look very stressed to me.
I think your mum's suspicious that something's happening.
Why? She's just said that you're acting so calm, it's like you're trying to hide something.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, God! That's better! What should I do? I don't know, develop a twitch or drop something.
CUP SMASHES Lucy! Stop this madness! It's just not worth it.
Smashing cups won't solve anything.
Lucy, just tell me what's wrong.
This just isn't you.
No, it isn't her! It's you! Lucy, why don't you pop and show me what you're wearing for this little meal? I want a quick word with Lee.
I'll help her.
What's going on? Tell me now, or I'll tell Lucy exactly what you told me earlier.
Oh, you're as bad as Geoffrey, you are.
Why? What's Geoffrey done? Nothing.
In the end, Wendy made me tell her everything.
She agreed not to tell Lucy and not to tell Geoffrey that she knows he knows, but only on the condition that this surprise party still goes ahead.
But if it doesn't get cancelled, then Geoffrey tells Lucy that you let it slip.
You're dead either way.
Exactly.
You know who I feel sorry for in all this? Yourself? Yep.
What the hell am I going to do? I don't know.
Hope Mario's restaurant suddenly gets struck by lightning or something.
How would that help anyway? Because at this short notice, Lucy would have to have the party at the flat.
Geoffrey would assume it was back to being a quiet dinner but when he got there, "Surprise!" Wendy would get the big party she always wanted and Geoffrey would have to grin and bear it.
Oh, yeah.
I wouldn't get too excited, though.
Mario's not going to suddenly telephone and go ITALIAN ACCENT "Oh, Miss Adams, I am so sorry.
" "There has been a terrible incident.
" "We have had to cancel your party," "and there is nothing we can do about it.
" Oh, God.
I'll get that.
Get what? PHONE RINGS That.
Hello? TOBY: Hello.
It's Mario from the ristorante.
How you doing Mario? What's that you say? You've got bad news? About the booking? Yes, all right.
I can play my own part, thank you.
Yes, I'm-a very sorry.
There has been a terrible incident.
I'm afraid this morning Hang on, what is the point of me doing the voice if I'm only speaking to you? Oh, yeah.
Hang on Mario, I'll just put you on speaker.
Hi, Mario.
Lucy, it is terrible.
There has been a flood.
We have to cancel your booking.
Oh, no! I'm so sorry, Lucy.
The water has got into the electrics.
It may be unsafe.
Well, like you said yesterday, "Non si e mai troppo prudenti.
" Yes.
That sounds like something I would say.
What does it mean? Tell him, Mario.
Bloody hell, Lee! It means, "What will be will be.
" Yesterday you said it meant "Better to be safe than sorry.
" In Italy, we have another expression.
"Ciabatta Frankie Dettori Vienetta.
" It means, "Many phrases mean many things.
" So, uh, what about my deposit? What deposit? My deposit of £500.
Why don't I just rip up the cheque? Um, I paid you cash, remember? Oh, yes.
Why don't I just rip up the money? Can I pop by this afternoon and get it from you? Of course.
What do you mean "of course"? I mean, of course you can't.
I am too busy, er mopping.
Mario, I'm sure we'll find some way of Lucy getting her deposit back.
In the meantime, we should let you go because I'm sure you're getting close to getting out of your depth.
Goodbye.
I don't believe it.
Why? Was it the accent? All that effort and now we can't have the surprise party.
Oh, of course you can.
You can have it here in the flat.
Think about it.
Your parents come round, think it's a quiet meal for three.
During the starter, "Surprise!" I suppose.
I guess it doesn't matter where it is.
OK, I'll start phoning all the guests.
PHONE RINGS Hello? Why the hell did you say she could have her deposit back? She asked! And what happens when she doesn't get it? Well, you'll just have to make sure she does.
Actually Toby, you're doing all right for money aren't you? I don't suppose there's any chance In Italy, we have a famous saying when it comes to things like this.
Which is? Go BLEEP yourself.
Hello, Mario.
Ah, what can I do for you this time? Do you want me to install a bidet? No need for that.
I've got a flannel.
Actually, I'm afraid I'm here to cancel Lucy's booking.
Oh! But the whole of the restaurant is booked out for her! Sorry, it's a very personal matter.
So, I'll just take Lucy's deposit and I'll be on my way.
No, no, no.
The deposit is non-refundable.
We only return it in extreme circumstances.
OK, but this will hit Lucy very hard.
Especially after the bereavement.
Oh Bereavement? Yes, I'm afraid her dad died.
Oh, my God! That's awful.
Please, offer Lucy our very sincere condolences.
I will.
Should I, er, offer her anything else? Oh Yes, of course.
Take the deposit back.
Her father, he looked so well when I saw him the other day.
What happened? He drowned.
In the bath.
That's terrible! Oh! He was so full of life.
And now so full of water.
OK, everyone.
Mum and Dad will be here any minute, so everybody hide.
I hope you know where you're putting them all.
In a few weeks time, I don't want to find a rotten old woman down the back of the sofa.
KNOCK AT DOOR Hi, Dad! Hi, Mum! Happy anniversary! Well done for making sure the party went ahead, Lee.
Dinner will be ready soon.
Just the three of us Oh, Lee and Daisy are just off out.
Anywhere nice? Dog fighting.
Well done on getting the surprise party cancelled.
Much appreciated.
Don't thank me.
No, no, credit where it's due.
This is exactly how I like it.
Just Lucy, me, Wendy.
Nice and quiet.
Surprise! Happy anniversary, Mum and Dad! Oh, goodness gracious! I don't believe it! Oh, wow! I had no idea at all! All right, Wendy, reel it in a bit.
What about you, Dad? Are you surprised? Oh, yes.
What the hell's going on? You told me this was cancelled.
Would you believe me, Geoffrey, if I told you I had absolutely no idea these people were in the flat? I heard noises, but I thought it was rats.
Talking of rats, you're not going to grass me up to Lucy, are you? You know, say that I accidentally let slip about the party? There's no point now, is there? I'm here, so I suppose I'm expected to stick it out.
I don't think it's that kind of party.
Who knows Geoffrey? You might end up enjoying yourself.
Hello, Geoffrey.
Hello, Derek.
Why don't you join me in a drink and I'll tell you all the latest about my prostate? Actually Derek, I was just going to use the bathroom.
You see, it's a funny thing, the prostate.
Although it's only the size of a chestnut KNOCK AT DOOR Mario! I brought these for Lucy.
I thought you'd be busy clearing up the flood? Sorry, I'm confusing myself now, aren't I? Sorry, I've got water on the brain, what with Lucy's Dad drowning in the bath.
Is this her father's wake? Um yes.
Mario! Soon to be mine.
Lucy.
These are on behalf of everyone at the restaurant, just to say how very, very sorry we are.
Oh, don't worry about it.
It's just one of those things.
Happens all the time.
I suppose.
Amazing, isn't it, how much damage a little bit of water can do? Yes.
Still, you gave me back the deposit, which is the most important thing.
Is it? Yes, it's happened.
It's forgotten about.
Come and join us.
Have a drink! I really couldn't.
He really couldn't.
Don't be silly! The more the merrier.
That's my mother over there.
She doesn't know what hit her.
It must have been a tremendous shock.
That's nothing compared to the look on my Dad's face.
White as a sheet.
You should see him.
He's here? Of course.
Where? He's in the bathroom.
He's still there? Well, that's Dad for you.
There's no shifting him! Especially after he takes on too much of the old fluid! By the end of the night, we'll probably have to drag him out of there so everyone gets to see him! Anyway, Lucy, why don't you go and get Mario a drink? Sure.
This is not like any wake I have ever been to before.
Well, people show bereavement in different ways.
Par-tay! Oh, Mario, I think you should now leave the family in peace to grieve.
I know I'm getting teary.
Of course.
Hang on! That's him.
No, it's not.
That is actually his twin brother.
Is it? My God.
That toilet's still not flushing properly.
I knew that plumber was no good.
Don't be such a grouch.
Well, just a minute - there he is.
Hey, you there! Hello! What's going on with that toilet? I thought you were supposed to have fixed it.
How does he know about that? It's one of those psychic things, you know? Each one knows what the other one's thinking.
What other one? Your brother.
I haven't got a brother.
Good.
Finally, acceptance.
What are you doing with those flowers? To tell Lucy how sorry I am.
Never mind how bloody sorry you are.
You should have done the job properly in the first place.
What are you grizzling about now, you grumpy old man? Cheer up! It's supposed to be a party.
Mmm! I am not a fool, eh? This man is Lucy's father.
Well, of course I'm Lucy's father.
Oh, my God.
We've buried the wrong one! I thought he was supposed to be dead.
What? That's why you cancelled the restaurant.
Why I cancelled it? You cancelled it.
To be precise, he cancelled it.
Oh, look, I had to cancel it, all right? Otherwise Geoffrey wouldn't have turned up and Wendy would have told Lucy she knew.
You knew? You knew? I thought only I knew.
You knew? I know.
You know I knew? So who told you both? Surprise! Hello.
Nice of Mario to let you all use the restaurant after all.
Yeah.
Shame you didn't come.
Mario said if I went anywhere near his restaurant again, he'd put me head first through the pasta machine and turn me into tagliatelle.
Like I say, shame you didn't come.
So, who was it then? What? This so-called 'Mario' who rang yesterday to say the place was flooded? Yes, I was wondering that myself.
Why, if I ever catch that troublemaker, I'll Who was it? It was Toby.
Bloody Toby.
Well, I'll be having words with him.
Toby feels guilty enough already, trust me.
Trust you? I guarantee Toby feels just as bad as I do.
And how do you know that? I think that's shifted it.
Sorry.
We're not going out Not staying in Just hanging around with my head in a spin But there is no need to scream and shout We're not going out We are not going out.
OK, Mario, here's how I pictured this party panning out.
I bring Mum and Dad to your restaurant for the so-called 'quiet meal' for three.
You greet us, the lights are dim, we sit down, and that's when everyone jumps out and shouts Toilet's blocked again.
Try the cupboard under the sink.
Don't be disgusting, Lucy.
We're not animals.
I mean that's where the plunger is.
It's not there.
Then for once in your life, use your head.
Go and buy a new one.
Shall we talk about the wine? Don't worry, you get used to him after a while.
Somebody's narky.
Look, I am trying to organise Mum and Dad's surprise wedding anniversary party.
Oh, right, so it's all right when you've got something in the pipeline that you don't want people getting a whiff of.
Geoffrey! Fancy seeing you kerb crawling.
I'm here to pick something up.
I wasn't expecting you to admit it.
A casserole dish Lucy borrowed from her Mum.
You can't go up.
I wasn't planning to go up.
I was going to phone Lucy and have her bring it down.
Right.
Why couldn't I go up if I wanted to? You could.
Then I will.
Then you can't.
She's got someone up there.
Who? A plumber fixing the toilet.
No wonder she doesn't want me up there.
I've told Lucy to always consult me before booking tradesmen.
I've seen what these plumbers get up to.
Taking advantage of young women.
Those films have changed a lot since the 1970s, you know.
I'm coming up.
Your dad's here.
What? He's coming up to collect some casserole dish.
Well why didn't you put him off? Oh, and what was I supposed to say? "Don't come up, Geoffrey.
Lucy's not in.
" Actually that probably would have worked, wouldn't it? Oh, hi, Dad! This is a surprise.
Yes, sorry about that.
You know how I detest surprises.
Well, it's lovely to see you, but I'm mad busy with work, so thank you for the dish and I'll give you a call later.
This is the plumber, is it? I was just explaining to your dad that Mario is here to fix the toilet.
In his capacity as a plumber.
You don't look like a plumber.
Well, he's Italian, he's got a moustache and he's called Mario.
What more do you want? Is he any good? He's super.
Then I suggest you put down that glass of wine, get back in that toilet and do what my daughter's paying you to do.
And when you've finished, I'll come and inspect your handiwork.
That's not the toilet, Mario.
That's my bedroom.
And don't let your nose tell you otherwise.
Geoffrey, do you fancy going down to the pub for a drink? No.
Come on, it's happy hour.
But don't worry, I can sneak you in anyway.
I'm waiting for that man to come out of the toilet so I can go in and inspect what he's done.
Well, everybody needs a hobby.
And the sooner the better.
I need to use it rather urgently.
Well, why don't you use the toilets down at the pub? Well, it's either that or the casserole dish.
Well, I suppose.
But I'm coming straight back.
Well, I've got loads to organise still, so make sure he stays there.
Daisy! What are you doing with all those balloons? Um She's, um got a niece who's having a birthday party.
What have they got written on them? I thought you needed the toilet, Dad.
That's a very specific message.
Oh, God 'It's A Boy'.
'18 Today'.
'Save with the Cheltenham & Gloucester'.
I was told to get a varied selection.
Well, Dad was just leaving anyway.
Oh, phew! Oh, I mean, "Phew, all the stairs.
" Why didn't you use the lift? You can't take helium balloons in a lift.
It would have gone through the flipping roof.
Some of the things written on that toilet cubicle are an absolute disgrace.
I mean, what sort of idiot spells glory hole with a 'W'? Right, well, I'd better get back and keep an eye on that plumber.
Oh, hang on, Geoffrey, I bought us both a drink.
I thought we could have a nice chat.
Have you got something you want to tell me, Lee? Oh, look, there's my new neighbour, Toby! Hey, Toby! Come and join us for a drink.
Oh, hello.
I thought you'd be at home, helping Lucy with all the arrangements.
This is Lucy's dad.
Oh.
Sorry.
Sorry for what? Nothing.
Yeah.
Nothing.
Sorry.
What do you keep apologising for? He's got this rare form of middle class Tourette's.
He has these strange outbursts of politeness for no reason.
Sorry.
Thank you very much.
Excuse me.
What did he mean about "helping Lucy with the arrangements"? Flower arrangements.
Yeah, Lucy's taken up flower arranging and I'm helping.
Flower arranging loopy nuts are we We're all flower arranging loopy.
I thought he was talking about the restaurant arrangements.
What restaurant arrangements? Lucy's taking us to a restaurant at the weekend.
Quiet meal.
Just the three of us.
Oh, that's nice, but shouldn't we be inviting your wife along too? Just to clarify, when I said arrangements, obviously I meant for the holiday she's planning.
What? The flower arranging holiday.
What flower arranging holiday? Go away.
Sorry.
Thank you.
How do you do? Is Lucy planning a surprise party? If you don't tell me, I'll go and ask Lucy directly and tell her who it was who aroused my suspicions.
All right, yes! There's a surprise party at the restaurant.
Please don't tell Lucy I aroused you.
Oh, for God's sake! What's the matter with her? She knows I can't abide this sort of thing.
Having to kiss Wendy's drunken friend, Sheila.
Showing an interest in Derek's prostate.
I'm sure he'd make do with a handshake.
I'll have to spend the whole evening pretending to please these dreadful, tedious people and hearing about their desperate lives.
Can I ask you a question, Geoffrey? What? How the hell have you got Well, I'll tell you now, I'm not going to any surprise party.
Thanks for the warning.
But you've got to.
I mean, Wendy - she'd enjoy a surprise party, wouldn't she? Wendy knows nothing about it, right? No.
How could she possibly know? Well, five seconds in a room with you would probably do it.
She doesn't know.
Then she won't be disappointed.
I'll go and tell Lucy right now to cancel it and not to utter a word to her mother.
What? You can't tell Lucy.
She'll kill me.
Even more reason to tell her.
If you tell Lucy you know about the party, I'll tell Wendy you got it cancelled.
You wouldn't dare.
Look, I'll tell you what, if you don't say anything to Lucy, I will get this surprise party cancelled, I promise.
OK.
Good.
But make sure you do it, and quickly.
Basically, it's a flower-based tour of Northern Europe.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry about what happened earlier, Mario.
As we say in Italy, "Non si e mai troppo prudenti.
" "Better safe than sorry.
" That's weird.
Why is the second bit in English? And I'm sorry about my father's behaviour too.
He can be a little brash at times.
Luckily, I inherited my mother's tact.
Get back in there and fix that toilet, you lazy Italian shit! Don't worry.
Your dad's gone home.
Can I have a word, please? In private.
That's a brilliant accent you've got, by the way.
What country is it from? Italy.
Oh, how lovely.
Have you ever been? When I was in the pub, I was trying to suss out whether your dad is the kind of person that would like a surprise party.
Oh, you didn't tell him about it, did you? Do you think I'm an idiot? You answer my question, then I'll answer yours.
Of course I didn't tell him, but I did get the sense That he'd hate it.
What? Dad hates all parties.
That's why it's a surprise.
It's the only way I could get him to come.
So, why even bother having it? Because it's not just about Dad, Mum will love it.
And Mum deserves a nice anniversary for once.
On their 30th - that's the pearl anniversary - Mum asked Dad to give her a pearl necklace.
And do you know what he went and did? Do I really want to hear this? He arranged for her to have her teeth whitened.
You know, pearls, teeth.
Thank God for that.
Imagine what he'll do on their golden wedding.
Please don't make me imagine that.
Look, I still think that you should cancel this party.
Cancel it? No, I don't want to hear any more talk about this party being cancelled.
OK? OK.
We need to find a way to get this party cancelled.
"We"? You're the idiot who blurted out to Geoffrey about the "arrangements".
Can't you just get him to change his mind? Impossible.
Stubborn isn't the word.
When he's got his mind set on something, there's no changing it.
Then surely, stubborn is the word.
And in your case, pedantic twat is the word.
That's two words.
Look, here's a plan.
Get over to Lucy's Mum and convince her to drop hints to Lucy that she wouldn't want a surprise party either.
And how am I supposed to do that? I don't know, but it's either that or hope they get divorced before their anniversary.
Great.
I mean I would stir things up a bit by sleeping with Lucy's Mum, but I think Lucy would have a few objections.
I expect Lucy's Mum would have some big objections too.
Well, one small one.
Come in, Lee.
This is a surprise, I must say.
Sorry, Wendy.
I bet you hate surprises, don't you? I bet you want time to prepare yourself for people.
You know, get some nice clothes and make-up on.
I have got my make-up on.
Oh, no.
No, not now.
Oh, no.
You look very attractive, as always.
Whenever I see you, you always look ready for anything.
You've missed Geoffrey, I'm afraid.
I know.
I saw him driving off.
That was about 20 minutes ago.
I know, but I hid in the bushes to make sure he wasn't coming back.
This isn't what you're thinking.
I would never, you know Not in a millions years.
Not that you're not, you know Because you are.
Especially with your lovely make-up on.
And without it, of course.
I'd quite happily, you know if you didn't have anything on.
Look, Wendy, there's no easy way of saying this, so I'll just come straight out with it.
Lucy's organising a surprise anniversary party for you and Geoffrey.
Oh, is she? Well, why on Earth would you tell me and spoil it? Because Lucy is getting really, really stressed about it.
What makes you say that? Oh, just silly little things she's been saying like, "Oh, I wish I didn't have this surprise party to organise.
" "It's making me so stressed, I think I'm going to have a breakdown.
" "Do you know anyone who can get me some Class A drugs" "so I can stop this intense screaming in me head?" "Otherwise I might just take the easy option and end it all.
" You know, silly stuff like that.
Well, obviously I don't want a party if it's going to make Lucy ill.
I'll drop some hints about not liking big parties.
Great.
I'll go round this afternoon with Geoffrey.
No, you can't tell that miserable old bastard! I think you'll find the word is "curmudgeonly".
OK, you can't tell that curmudgeonly old bastard.
Look, I'm sorry to be rude, Wendy, but I'm sure Geoffrey wouldn't be as tactful as you about the whole thing.
I think we shouldn't mention this to Geoffrey at all.
I suppose you're right.
Geoffrey would, as usual, take a sledgehammer to the nut.
That is one scenario I've imagined, yes.
Aw, look at these.
Mum and Dad on their wedding day.
Look at the sideburns and kipper tie.
Well, women's fashions were different in those days.
Why are you looking at photographs of your parents for? I'm thinking of getting them blown up.
That's one way to surprise them, I suppose.
KNOCK AT DOOR Ah, Wendy.
Thank God you're here.
The stressing is getting worse.
Hi, Mum! Hi, Lucy! I'm really looking forward to this nice little quiet anniversary dinner we're going to be having.
So much better than something big and noisy.
Oh, you love big, noisy parties, Mum.
Yeah, but I know what your Mum's saying.
All that drug-taking, sex in the cloakroom, police raids.
Yeah, but not all parties have to end up like your nan's 80th.
I'll make us some tea.
She doesn't look very stressed to me.
I think your mum's suspicious that something's happening.
Why? She's just said that you're acting so calm, it's like you're trying to hide something.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, God! That's better! What should I do? I don't know, develop a twitch or drop something.
CUP SMASHES Lucy! Stop this madness! It's just not worth it.
Smashing cups won't solve anything.
Lucy, just tell me what's wrong.
This just isn't you.
No, it isn't her! It's you! Lucy, why don't you pop and show me what you're wearing for this little meal? I want a quick word with Lee.
I'll help her.
What's going on? Tell me now, or I'll tell Lucy exactly what you told me earlier.
Oh, you're as bad as Geoffrey, you are.
Why? What's Geoffrey done? Nothing.
In the end, Wendy made me tell her everything.
She agreed not to tell Lucy and not to tell Geoffrey that she knows he knows, but only on the condition that this surprise party still goes ahead.
But if it doesn't get cancelled, then Geoffrey tells Lucy that you let it slip.
You're dead either way.
Exactly.
You know who I feel sorry for in all this? Yourself? Yep.
What the hell am I going to do? I don't know.
Hope Mario's restaurant suddenly gets struck by lightning or something.
How would that help anyway? Because at this short notice, Lucy would have to have the party at the flat.
Geoffrey would assume it was back to being a quiet dinner but when he got there, "Surprise!" Wendy would get the big party she always wanted and Geoffrey would have to grin and bear it.
Oh, yeah.
I wouldn't get too excited, though.
Mario's not going to suddenly telephone and go ITALIAN ACCENT "Oh, Miss Adams, I am so sorry.
" "There has been a terrible incident.
" "We have had to cancel your party," "and there is nothing we can do about it.
" Oh, God.
I'll get that.
Get what? PHONE RINGS That.
Hello? TOBY: Hello.
It's Mario from the ristorante.
How you doing Mario? What's that you say? You've got bad news? About the booking? Yes, all right.
I can play my own part, thank you.
Yes, I'm-a very sorry.
There has been a terrible incident.
I'm afraid this morning Hang on, what is the point of me doing the voice if I'm only speaking to you? Oh, yeah.
Hang on Mario, I'll just put you on speaker.
Hi, Mario.
Lucy, it is terrible.
There has been a flood.
We have to cancel your booking.
Oh, no! I'm so sorry, Lucy.
The water has got into the electrics.
It may be unsafe.
Well, like you said yesterday, "Non si e mai troppo prudenti.
" Yes.
That sounds like something I would say.
What does it mean? Tell him, Mario.
Bloody hell, Lee! It means, "What will be will be.
" Yesterday you said it meant "Better to be safe than sorry.
" In Italy, we have another expression.
"Ciabatta Frankie Dettori Vienetta.
" It means, "Many phrases mean many things.
" So, uh, what about my deposit? What deposit? My deposit of £500.
Why don't I just rip up the cheque? Um, I paid you cash, remember? Oh, yes.
Why don't I just rip up the money? Can I pop by this afternoon and get it from you? Of course.
What do you mean "of course"? I mean, of course you can't.
I am too busy, er mopping.
Mario, I'm sure we'll find some way of Lucy getting her deposit back.
In the meantime, we should let you go because I'm sure you're getting close to getting out of your depth.
Goodbye.
I don't believe it.
Why? Was it the accent? All that effort and now we can't have the surprise party.
Oh, of course you can.
You can have it here in the flat.
Think about it.
Your parents come round, think it's a quiet meal for three.
During the starter, "Surprise!" I suppose.
I guess it doesn't matter where it is.
OK, I'll start phoning all the guests.
PHONE RINGS Hello? Why the hell did you say she could have her deposit back? She asked! And what happens when she doesn't get it? Well, you'll just have to make sure she does.
Actually Toby, you're doing all right for money aren't you? I don't suppose there's any chance In Italy, we have a famous saying when it comes to things like this.
Which is? Go BLEEP yourself.
Hello, Mario.
Ah, what can I do for you this time? Do you want me to install a bidet? No need for that.
I've got a flannel.
Actually, I'm afraid I'm here to cancel Lucy's booking.
Oh! But the whole of the restaurant is booked out for her! Sorry, it's a very personal matter.
So, I'll just take Lucy's deposit and I'll be on my way.
No, no, no.
The deposit is non-refundable.
We only return it in extreme circumstances.
OK, but this will hit Lucy very hard.
Especially after the bereavement.
Oh Bereavement? Yes, I'm afraid her dad died.
Oh, my God! That's awful.
Please, offer Lucy our very sincere condolences.
I will.
Should I, er, offer her anything else? Oh Yes, of course.
Take the deposit back.
Her father, he looked so well when I saw him the other day.
What happened? He drowned.
In the bath.
That's terrible! Oh! He was so full of life.
And now so full of water.
OK, everyone.
Mum and Dad will be here any minute, so everybody hide.
I hope you know where you're putting them all.
In a few weeks time, I don't want to find a rotten old woman down the back of the sofa.
KNOCK AT DOOR Hi, Dad! Hi, Mum! Happy anniversary! Well done for making sure the party went ahead, Lee.
Dinner will be ready soon.
Just the three of us Oh, Lee and Daisy are just off out.
Anywhere nice? Dog fighting.
Well done on getting the surprise party cancelled.
Much appreciated.
Don't thank me.
No, no, credit where it's due.
This is exactly how I like it.
Just Lucy, me, Wendy.
Nice and quiet.
Surprise! Happy anniversary, Mum and Dad! Oh, goodness gracious! I don't believe it! Oh, wow! I had no idea at all! All right, Wendy, reel it in a bit.
What about you, Dad? Are you surprised? Oh, yes.
What the hell's going on? You told me this was cancelled.
Would you believe me, Geoffrey, if I told you I had absolutely no idea these people were in the flat? I heard noises, but I thought it was rats.
Talking of rats, you're not going to grass me up to Lucy, are you? You know, say that I accidentally let slip about the party? There's no point now, is there? I'm here, so I suppose I'm expected to stick it out.
I don't think it's that kind of party.
Who knows Geoffrey? You might end up enjoying yourself.
Hello, Geoffrey.
Hello, Derek.
Why don't you join me in a drink and I'll tell you all the latest about my prostate? Actually Derek, I was just going to use the bathroom.
You see, it's a funny thing, the prostate.
Although it's only the size of a chestnut KNOCK AT DOOR Mario! I brought these for Lucy.
I thought you'd be busy clearing up the flood? Sorry, I'm confusing myself now, aren't I? Sorry, I've got water on the brain, what with Lucy's Dad drowning in the bath.
Is this her father's wake? Um yes.
Mario! Soon to be mine.
Lucy.
These are on behalf of everyone at the restaurant, just to say how very, very sorry we are.
Oh, don't worry about it.
It's just one of those things.
Happens all the time.
I suppose.
Amazing, isn't it, how much damage a little bit of water can do? Yes.
Still, you gave me back the deposit, which is the most important thing.
Is it? Yes, it's happened.
It's forgotten about.
Come and join us.
Have a drink! I really couldn't.
He really couldn't.
Don't be silly! The more the merrier.
That's my mother over there.
She doesn't know what hit her.
It must have been a tremendous shock.
That's nothing compared to the look on my Dad's face.
White as a sheet.
You should see him.
He's here? Of course.
Where? He's in the bathroom.
He's still there? Well, that's Dad for you.
There's no shifting him! Especially after he takes on too much of the old fluid! By the end of the night, we'll probably have to drag him out of there so everyone gets to see him! Anyway, Lucy, why don't you go and get Mario a drink? Sure.
This is not like any wake I have ever been to before.
Well, people show bereavement in different ways.
Par-tay! Oh, Mario, I think you should now leave the family in peace to grieve.
I know I'm getting teary.
Of course.
Hang on! That's him.
No, it's not.
That is actually his twin brother.
Is it? My God.
That toilet's still not flushing properly.
I knew that plumber was no good.
Don't be such a grouch.
Well, just a minute - there he is.
Hey, you there! Hello! What's going on with that toilet? I thought you were supposed to have fixed it.
How does he know about that? It's one of those psychic things, you know? Each one knows what the other one's thinking.
What other one? Your brother.
I haven't got a brother.
Good.
Finally, acceptance.
What are you doing with those flowers? To tell Lucy how sorry I am.
Never mind how bloody sorry you are.
You should have done the job properly in the first place.
What are you grizzling about now, you grumpy old man? Cheer up! It's supposed to be a party.
Mmm! I am not a fool, eh? This man is Lucy's father.
Well, of course I'm Lucy's father.
Oh, my God.
We've buried the wrong one! I thought he was supposed to be dead.
What? That's why you cancelled the restaurant.
Why I cancelled it? You cancelled it.
To be precise, he cancelled it.
Oh, look, I had to cancel it, all right? Otherwise Geoffrey wouldn't have turned up and Wendy would have told Lucy she knew.
You knew? You knew? I thought only I knew.
You knew? I know.
You know I knew? So who told you both? Surprise! Hello.
Nice of Mario to let you all use the restaurant after all.
Yeah.
Shame you didn't come.
Mario said if I went anywhere near his restaurant again, he'd put me head first through the pasta machine and turn me into tagliatelle.
Like I say, shame you didn't come.
So, who was it then? What? This so-called 'Mario' who rang yesterday to say the place was flooded? Yes, I was wondering that myself.
Why, if I ever catch that troublemaker, I'll Who was it? It was Toby.
Bloody Toby.
Well, I'll be having words with him.
Toby feels guilty enough already, trust me.
Trust you? I guarantee Toby feels just as bad as I do.
And how do you know that? I think that's shifted it.
Sorry.
We're not going out Not staying in Just hanging around with my head in a spin But there is no need to scream and shout We're not going out We are not going out.