Portlandia (2011) s07e07 Episode Script
Portland Secedes
1 I'm a traveler.
Travel a lot.
[dramatic classical music.]
One time I was on my way to Denver, I had to change in Chicago.
I was in a real rush, and I needed to get some food in me really quick.
There was this sushi.
It was just fishy, sweet-- for some reason-- flavor, and as it came apart in my hand I thought, "Ah.
What is the city missing?" I had this idea.
I just came to this Alberta district, and I said, "Let's open up a airport sushi.
" Couple years later I had Kuko.
At Kuko, we are proud to serve the most borderline not-sushi sushi in the whole world.
I want to make it like we have no love for it.
Order up.
I said, "Let's be the last people at the fish market.
" And everyone said you have to be a smart chef who looks at your food and really considers it.
I thought, "No, why?" I want to be the chef that says, "Get this thing outta here.
" I want this to be a unifying sushi that anyone can eat but nobody wants to eat.
Airport sushi, that flavor of rice you don't get anywhere else, where it's so hard you actually feel like, "Am I eating bits of plastic?" Open the fridge please.
See how this is? This got sent back.
Great.
Uh, yeah, send that one back to them again.
Let's add a little something to it.
There we go.
Meaningless paper.
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing.]
- I am outraged! - [both screaming.]
Look at this.
"Port-langeles.
" Hmm? Does that make you happy? Doesn't make me happy.
Have you noticed the influx of outsiders into Portland lately? - Yes.
- Yeah.
And they're taking our jobs, they're filling up our coffee shops.
Not, like, our jobs, but just jobs in general.
They actually want to work, and that's changing our way of life.
I went to a restaurant the other night and every table was full.
There's no room for us spontaneous boho types to roll in, right, and just have dinner.
That's true.
I need things to be weird and freaky.
- Yeah.
- The more people that come in from the outside, the more we start having to adapt to them.
Yeah, I know, I know.
We have to control our borders.
Yeah, but we can't legally not allow people to come into the city.
No, we can't, you're right.
But there is something we can do.
[regal music.]
[people chanting.]
Keep us weird! Keep us weird! Keep us weird! Keep us weird! What can you do? And that is why, as mayor, I've decided it's time that we need to secede and form our own weird and yet independent nation.
- [cheers and applause.]
- Secede! [overlapping shouts.]
- That's our mayor, man.
- That's great.
Keep Portland weird and independent! Keep Portland the nation! Keep our nation independent and weird.
Let's succeed and go - Portland be independent - Independence now.
Seceding now.
Portland, let's se-- Let's for-- Portland nation.
Portland the nation.
Portland the nation seceding now.
both: Portland the nation seceding now.
all: Portland the nation seceding now.
Portland the nation seceding now.
Portland the nation seceding now! [triumphant music.]
Portland the nation seceding now! Portland the nation seceding now! Portland the nation seceding now! - Portland the na-- - Who's with me? [indie rock music.]
- Great bagel.
- Yeah, New York style.
Let's get back and clean out the garage.
Whoa.
[dramatic music.]
Can you back out? That's like a 40-point turn.
Look at that.
1 inch.
It's 1 inch from the tire.
Is this your car? The engine's still warm, so you should be nearby.
I see you up there.
Is this your car? Hi, we're Kath and Dave.
We can't get out, you idiot.
Look! Look at that! That's your car! Your car! When they come back they're not gonna know that it was us.
They need to suffer for their crime.
I don't want this to be wasted.
Well, let's get the notebook.
The notebook! "Notes to Park by.
" - Let's do it.
- We worked hard on these.
"There's a better parking spot for you down by the imbecile factory.
" - I don't know.
- Okay, what about this? "Where do you go to school? Idiot Tech?" - Ha ha! - Ooh, let's try that one.
- This'll work.
- Too lethal.
- Too polite.
- No, that's not right.
- No, no, no, no! - None of these are working.
- We have to write our own.
- Let's do it.
Thank you very much.
I wish for you to be somewhere else-- underground! How would you like it if we parked in your living room? Make "living room" longer.
Living roo-oo-oo-- You think you have the right to block me in like a monster? If this is a nightmare, you're in it! We're gonna make you drink your own gasoline! [car horn honks.]
- You're gonna get towed! - Do it! [both yelling indistinctly.]
- We will find you! - Ah! That is in there.
Read it and weep! Kath and Dave.
What's going on? How are you? Look how this idiot parked.
We're so sorry.
- Did we block you in? - Yeah.
This is your car? - Yeah.
- Yes.
What, uh-- what are you guys doing? It's a-- our cat's missing.
This-- this is actually a drawing he did, so-- yeah.
Please, if you see our cat, let us know.
Little more.
Little more.
Good.
All right.
- No, no, no! - Grass.
Grass.
Grass.
- No construction! - No-- - No construction! - Good morning.
- Hi, excuse me, guys.
- Can we help you, sir? - Yeah, hi.
- Are you lost, little boy? No, I'm not lost.
I'm here to put in a parking lot today, so I'm gonna need you guys to take your game and kind of-- kind of move it elsewhere.
We're not going anywhere, do you understand? You can't bulldoze this, because we are representing Mother Earth.
This is her scalp.
Look, just a little spot of land.
What-- it's not a big deal.
Oh, just a little spot of land.
- Yeah.
- Maybe we should bulldoze those buildings and put grass on that.
How does that sound? Well, you know, if you-- you-- you get-- we get the contract, yeah, I'm-I'm happy to do it.
Oh, you're just all about-- [bleep.]
.
You're all about-- Do you see this? I'm doing the money-- - I-- no, I see it.
- Yeah, you're just hungry.
- Just-- - I just-- I just want to do my job.
Look, the message is clear.
Go elsewhere.
We are not gonna move.
Plus, we can't move.
Ugh.
We're croquet-ed in here.
[groaning.]
Okay.
Good, go have your coffee.
Ha! We got 'em! - Parking lot - We think not.
- Parking lot.
We-- - Hello.
Hi.
- Are you the eco-terrorists? - Who's asking? Well, I'm here to let you guys know that you've been selected to receive an award for best protest at The Protest Awards this afternoon at the Desi Arnaz banquet hall.
All the information is right there.
I'm just gonna leave it right here for ya, just jam it right there in the dirt.
And, uh, it's a black tie event, so please wear your best.
- Huh.
- We will see you there.
- Thank you very much.
- Okay, I guess.
The invitation looks pretty official.
Yeah, there's, like, gold lettering on it.
Also, we're gonna go up there-- we're not just gonna go up there and be like, "Thank you, thank you.
" - We're gonna use it.
- Yeah.
Do you guys wanna go? - I wanna go.
- I'll go.
[award show music.]
- Are we ready? - Whew.
I feel ready.
- I'm ready.
- Okay.
Lest we forget, this is the biggest platform we've ever had to get our message out, so let's get in there and just get to the core of it.
That's right.
Let's get in there.
- [gasps.]
- Oh.
- Ah! What did they do? - No! - No! - What? Great.
- We were duped! - I guess we failed.
- It's our own fault, you know.
- Yeah.
Sorry, kids.
You know, you're just gonna have to find some other little piece of grass to save, because this one's gone, but you know what? You're all winners in my book.
- Let's get outta here, guys.
- Yeah.
See-- Actually, you-- hold on a second.
We prepared a speech, right? Let's say it.
[dramatic music.]
- Let's say it to him.
- I can't wait.
Really? Brandon.
Listen up.
This award is, uh, unexpected.
Uh I can't thank you enough.
We, uh, really didn't see this coming.
I didn't prepare anything.
Uh, is my wife here somewhere? [laughs.]
[indie rock music.]
Fred and Carrie? - Right this way.
- Sure.
Have a seat, please.
[dramatic music.]
[whispering.]
Fred and Carrie, sir.
Fred and Carrie.
Hi.
- How's it going? - How you doing? - Hey.
- Thanks for seeing us.
Oh, thank you for coming in.
So what can I do you for today? We're here to tell you that Portland wants to secede from the nation.
[ominous music.]
It says here you're under a three-year contract with two years still left on it.
The penalty for early termination will be $97.
Uh, wow.
Didn't expect that.
All right.
You're gonna have to return all the American stuff you guys have.
That's American flags, flagpoles, telephone poles.
- What? - Says here you have three gavels.
We will need those gavels back.
This kind of bureaucracy, this kind of overregulation of small people, this is exactly why we're leaving.
Okay.
I don't do this for everyone, but I'll do it for you.
Three years membership in the union, we give you three months of free water and power.
That's it.
All right, get outta here.
Get outta here! - No bribes.
- That's it, go.
Fill out the form that says that Portland is no longer part of the United States.
We would like the city and the river.
- You can't have the river.
- Yes, we can.
Flags of convenience, maritime law.
Any seafaring vessel can seafare alo-- along the sea, along the shores without touching the shore, as long as they have fuel or sails.
- That's not true at all.
- It is very true.
So what kind of taxes are you gonna have in your country? $12.
The currency's gonna be dollars? No, goo-koos.
- Goo-koos? - Goo-koos.
And what's this money gonna look like? They're little balls.
They're like ping pong balls but painted white.
And so everything is done by gravity, so cash registers, instead of being that stupid thing that jumps out at you, is a sack.
So you go to a grocery store, and it'll be like, "Oh, the next goo-koo sack is available.
Please step up"? - Yes.
- Okay.
We're very sorry, but we're proud.
- We're gonna secede.
- All right.
- I can do this for you, but - Thank you.
It'll take three years.
- No.
We want it now.
- Now.
- What's-- what's three years? - You-- you know what? Secession isn't about waiting, and it's not about asking for permission.
It actually is.
That's what you're doing right now.
You're asking me for permission.
- No.
- No, no, we're telling you.
We're telling you that we're leaving.
No, you can't just leave.
You can't just say "leave" and you're gone.
You have to fill out forms! Freedom is not about form! It's about reform, and this is our declaration of independence.
Today is our Fourth of July.
[regal music.]
I am gonna find those gavels.
I know where they are.
They're in the courthouses.
[imitating sheep.]
[groans.]
[imitating explosion.]
[groans.]
- Daddy, I have a question.
- Yeah? When you're dead, are you dead forever? [slow quirky music.]
Oh.
Uh [groans.]
You want to play a game? You can play with my phone if you want.
[gasps.]
I didn't know what to say.
I was just-- "Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
" I mean, I think we just need to start rolling out some of the scarier concepts, you know? Start with the easier stuff, build up to the really heavy things, and-- just a roll out of bad news.
This is a huge leap.
We're like, "Here's candy, here's racism, and then cancer?" - What about death? - Honey, I-- That's what started this.
I know it seems huge, but it's a part of everyday life.
- I-I agree.
- You know, maybe we-- we get him a goldfish or something, yeah.
- And kill the goldfish.
- No.
I-I don't-- Menendez brothers.
Does he need to know about the Menendez brothers? They killed their parents.
He's not gonna kill-- You're right.
You know what, I want to start with something easy.
Plastic surgery.
Okay, explain plastic surgery.
I'm Grover.
Listen, I-I-- [laughs.]
How about geysers? Permanent stains I think is-- is a good one.
Assassinations? Too soon? Too soon? Prison industrial complex.
You don't like geysers, huh? Concussions, football.
So Grover, when you play football-- Oh, he's not playing football.
Brendan, "geyser" is not making it up on this board.
If you want to have a private conversation, - who in you-- - One last argument for it.
- Brendan-- - There are over ten people every 100 years who die in geysers.
You don't think that number's kind of high? - No.
- Santa? That's not till later.
Let's be on the same page as-- as the Santa thing, 'cause I know you-- you found out kind of-- kind of late.
Look, Kris Kringle is a real name.
He is of Russian origin.
What-- where did we get the imagery from? - He is-- - Mythology, fairy tales.
What fairy tale? I believe it - It-- Santa, I-- No, I-- - Gotcha.
He's-- No, you didn't get me.
I got that Beatle box set, and I was like, "Who gave me this?" You said to me, you're like, "It wasn't me," and you shrugged and you smiled.
So you thought that Santa got that for you? - Who got it for me? - I did.
I ordered it off Amazon, it came, I wrapped it up, and I gave it to you.
[somber music.]
[sniffs.]
All right, let's-- let's-- let's see what else there is.
The phone's out of battery.
[hopeful music.]
The phone.
- The phone.
- The phone.
The phone.
Grover, honey, I'm gonna give you a charger.
I want you to charge the phone 'cause we have a lot of words for you to look up.
Yeah, a bunch of words, okay? You could start with "war.
" Yeah, W-A-R.
You know what you could Google, "Santa Claus.
" You mean "Kris Kringle.
" [indie rock music.]
What do you feel like for lunch, hon? Is there a beans place anywhere? Oh, probably.
Peter, will you look at that? I was just reading about this in the paper.
That is Banksy, he's a graffiti artist, and no one knows his identity.
It's so fascinating.
[chuckles.]
Banksy could be anyone.
It's so neat.
A-anyone, huh? Nance, don't you think that looks like my handwriting? [laughs.]
I guess.
[stuttering.]
N-Nance, what if I'm Banksy? Don't be silly.
Well, then Nance, how do you explain my whereabouts between 9:00 PM and 8:00 AM, huh? Uh, you were sleeping.
You were sleeping.
Eh, how do you know what I was doing? I-I could have been doing graffiti all night.
That seems very unlikely, that you'd be doing graffiti in your sleep.
Uh, I-I guess you're right.
I-I do love private property.
I-I-I guess I'm not Banksy.
Peter, what's on your hand? [dramatic music.]
Look at the-- look at the paint.
That's spray-paint on-- on my hand.
Peter, we figured this out earlier.
That is from when I asked you to change the printer cartridge, and you did, and thank you.
You don't know what it's like to be a political artist, and-- Peter, you're not a political guy.
- Yes-- yes I am.
- How? I remember wh-when I saw a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, I-I said, "Hey.
They gotta fix-- they gotta fix that thing.
" Uh-- You're not an anti-corporate human.
Remember when I wrote to-- to-- to Disney and I said, "You should have more Daisy Duck"? Exactly.
You love Walt Disney.
You love Disneyland.
We've been there 18 times.
A-and I've been there 22 times.
Not everyone can be anti-corporate or anti-capitalist.
That's just not who you are, and that's okay.
Now, I'm gonna climb into bed with you, all right? - This is cozy.
- Ow, ow, ow! Don't-- - yeah-- ouch! - [groans.]
Peter? Are you feeling okay? I-I'm just a-a little out of it.
- Probably need some coffee.
- Okay, I'll-I'll get coffee.
- At-- - We're hearing reports of yet another Banksy graffiti sighting on the side of a downtown Portland establishment.
It's an image of Ronald McDonald drinking a cup of Stumptown coffee.
For-- for crying out loud, did you hear that? No, hon.
What's up? Banksy-- me-- is out on-- on the loose again at McDonald's! You love McDonald's, also, you can't draw.
Well, ap-apparently I can.
Well, then draw Ronald McDonald.
Draw him right now.
Peter, that's a stick figure.
It represents Ronald McDonald.
I have to turn myself in.
I'm a criminal.
A-a-a-a-a-and if it please the court, Your Honor, th-th-that is why I'm convinced th-that I'm the political graffiti artist B-Banksy.
I've reviewed the charges against you, which are largely self-inflicted.
You may have noticed I haven't even touched my gavel today.
That's the degree of seriousness we're treating this with.
You're not Banksy.
Peter.
Did you hear him? Just come home.
But I have to answer f-f-for my crimes, Nance.
Your Honor? Someone graffitied the side of the courthouse.
We think it was Banksy.
Ha.
How did I get out of jail? I-- am I Houdini? You're not Houdini.
You're not Banksy.
You know what, I'd love to take this lesson outside.
Like, you know, meet me down there by the new Banksy in a few minutes, have a little talk.
Thank you, Your Honor.
I-I respect your decision.
[spray can spraying.]
[dramatic music.]
[distorted voice.]
Hello, Peter.
I've been waiting for you.
W-w-what is this, a-a-a setup? Am I-- am I being framed? You're not being framed.
I don't mean to be dramatic.
It's very hot out.
Y-you're Banksy? Not quite.
Banksy is a construct to help build up the value of low income neighborhoods.
Oh.
I'm so relieved th-that it's not me.
Everything's better everywhere that we add the art.
Do you like beans? I-I-I love beans.
You get a Banksy, you get a bean store.
- You get a bean restaurant.
- Ooh.
- We did it! Ha ha! - Yeah! Oh, oh, I had new money printed up.
Huh? Look at this.
- Whoa.
- Look at that, huh? I am gonna need a bigger wallet for that.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- That's brilliant.
- Right? Very practical.
This is so much better than goo-koos.
Right? Sometimes you forget your wallet.
That you'll never forget.
Oh, that reminds me.
We have to sign the constitution.
- Oh, my gosh, this is-- - Wow! - This is historical.
- This is it.
This is the Constitution of the People's Republic of Portland.
I even got a special pen.
"I do declare a new nation dedicated to all principles that hereby do represent the values and judgments of the founders who sit before me today.
" We are the Founding Fathers.
Yes, you are.
Do the honors? I mean, this is the real thing.
- And here we go.
- Good, okay, good.
Let me take a picture of this - There you go.
- So I can send it off to the US Government.
- Okay.
- Take it! - Uh-huh.
- Good.
And - Modern times, huh? - Done.
- This is great.
- Nice work.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Okay, now that we got that done, who's ready for Beyoncé? - [screams.]
- [laughter.]
- Yes! - This is the best day! - Huh? Come on! - All right.
I took the liberty of putting together a little video playlist of the Queen Bee's performances.
We're gonna enjoy these tonight.
Oh, a little celebration.
Why does it say "video not available in our country"? Hmm.
That's weird.
- Is it an old computer? - [phone ringing.]
- Is it a computer from another-- - Maybe.
Hello, Mayor of-- uh, sorry.
President of the New People's Republic of Portland.
[regal music.]
Um, oh.
Okay.
Uh, well, thanks for calling.
Ooh, you don't look happy.
Beyoncé's tour is United States only.
She can't perform here unless she has a visa.
She needs a visa to come in here? She needs a visa to come to Portland.
It's my dad's birthday this weekend, and he lives in Washington State.
Am I gonna need a visa to go see him? Yeah, in fact you are.
- I am? - Yeah.
Well, why did-- why didn't we put that in the-- the constitution? Why didn't we, - like, consider these things? - Uh, uh, w-we just-- it's just this one paragraph.
That's all it is.
It's just a constitution.
We haven't-- Mr.
Mayor, I'm gonna ask you a question.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm not gonna get mad.
I pumped all of my savings into the treasury - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- of our new country.
Now, if I go to another country, is this legal? Can I exchange this? Well, Fred-- Oh, no! It'll be fine, we'll figure out-- Mr.
Mayor, Fred is broke, I can't be with my dad on his birthday, and we're not going to Beyoncé! Ah, it's the worst! - Abandon ship.
- Abandon ship.
- Let's get outta here.
- [all talking at once.]
Please? Aw, man.
I'd love to help you guys out, but unfortunately, someone ripped up the contract Portland had with the United States.
Remember that? "Freedom isn't about forms, it's about reforms"? Yeah, let's reform that contract back into something whole.
Yeah, I can print out a new one.
[hopeful music.]
It'll take three to four business years.
[dramatic music.]
So, how'd it go? Oh, I-I got a green card.
They said I am an alien of extraordinary ability.
Uh, great.
And they're still doing a background check on me.
I guess I look vaguely Middle Eastern.
- How about you? - Uh, well, yeah.
I'm gonna keep Portland as a tax shelter for the rich.
I like that, that's a good idea.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, hey, let me know if you want to hide billions of dollars.
- Yeah, we will.
- Okay.
Sushi? has anybody seen Kris Kringle? Santa is a construct.
No, the myth about Santa is a construct.
So there's one Kris Kringle that's been alive for how long? He must be 77.
So the idea of Santa started 77 years ago, when Santa was a baby? Not Santa, Kris Kringle.
Travel a lot.
[dramatic classical music.]
One time I was on my way to Denver, I had to change in Chicago.
I was in a real rush, and I needed to get some food in me really quick.
There was this sushi.
It was just fishy, sweet-- for some reason-- flavor, and as it came apart in my hand I thought, "Ah.
What is the city missing?" I had this idea.
I just came to this Alberta district, and I said, "Let's open up a airport sushi.
" Couple years later I had Kuko.
At Kuko, we are proud to serve the most borderline not-sushi sushi in the whole world.
I want to make it like we have no love for it.
Order up.
I said, "Let's be the last people at the fish market.
" And everyone said you have to be a smart chef who looks at your food and really considers it.
I thought, "No, why?" I want to be the chef that says, "Get this thing outta here.
" I want this to be a unifying sushi that anyone can eat but nobody wants to eat.
Airport sushi, that flavor of rice you don't get anywhere else, where it's so hard you actually feel like, "Am I eating bits of plastic?" Open the fridge please.
See how this is? This got sent back.
Great.
Uh, yeah, send that one back to them again.
Let's add a little something to it.
There we go.
Meaningless paper.
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing.]
- I am outraged! - [both screaming.]
Look at this.
"Port-langeles.
" Hmm? Does that make you happy? Doesn't make me happy.
Have you noticed the influx of outsiders into Portland lately? - Yes.
- Yeah.
And they're taking our jobs, they're filling up our coffee shops.
Not, like, our jobs, but just jobs in general.
They actually want to work, and that's changing our way of life.
I went to a restaurant the other night and every table was full.
There's no room for us spontaneous boho types to roll in, right, and just have dinner.
That's true.
I need things to be weird and freaky.
- Yeah.
- The more people that come in from the outside, the more we start having to adapt to them.
Yeah, I know, I know.
We have to control our borders.
Yeah, but we can't legally not allow people to come into the city.
No, we can't, you're right.
But there is something we can do.
[regal music.]
[people chanting.]
Keep us weird! Keep us weird! Keep us weird! Keep us weird! What can you do? And that is why, as mayor, I've decided it's time that we need to secede and form our own weird and yet independent nation.
- [cheers and applause.]
- Secede! [overlapping shouts.]
- That's our mayor, man.
- That's great.
Keep Portland weird and independent! Keep Portland the nation! Keep our nation independent and weird.
Let's succeed and go - Portland be independent - Independence now.
Seceding now.
Portland, let's se-- Let's for-- Portland nation.
Portland the nation.
Portland the nation seceding now.
both: Portland the nation seceding now.
all: Portland the nation seceding now.
Portland the nation seceding now.
Portland the nation seceding now! [triumphant music.]
Portland the nation seceding now! Portland the nation seceding now! Portland the nation seceding now! - Portland the na-- - Who's with me? [indie rock music.]
- Great bagel.
- Yeah, New York style.
Let's get back and clean out the garage.
Whoa.
[dramatic music.]
Can you back out? That's like a 40-point turn.
Look at that.
1 inch.
It's 1 inch from the tire.
Is this your car? The engine's still warm, so you should be nearby.
I see you up there.
Is this your car? Hi, we're Kath and Dave.
We can't get out, you idiot.
Look! Look at that! That's your car! Your car! When they come back they're not gonna know that it was us.
They need to suffer for their crime.
I don't want this to be wasted.
Well, let's get the notebook.
The notebook! "Notes to Park by.
" - Let's do it.
- We worked hard on these.
"There's a better parking spot for you down by the imbecile factory.
" - I don't know.
- Okay, what about this? "Where do you go to school? Idiot Tech?" - Ha ha! - Ooh, let's try that one.
- This'll work.
- Too lethal.
- Too polite.
- No, that's not right.
- No, no, no, no! - None of these are working.
- We have to write our own.
- Let's do it.
Thank you very much.
I wish for you to be somewhere else-- underground! How would you like it if we parked in your living room? Make "living room" longer.
Living roo-oo-oo-- You think you have the right to block me in like a monster? If this is a nightmare, you're in it! We're gonna make you drink your own gasoline! [car horn honks.]
- You're gonna get towed! - Do it! [both yelling indistinctly.]
- We will find you! - Ah! That is in there.
Read it and weep! Kath and Dave.
What's going on? How are you? Look how this idiot parked.
We're so sorry.
- Did we block you in? - Yeah.
This is your car? - Yeah.
- Yes.
What, uh-- what are you guys doing? It's a-- our cat's missing.
This-- this is actually a drawing he did, so-- yeah.
Please, if you see our cat, let us know.
Little more.
Little more.
Good.
All right.
- No, no, no! - Grass.
Grass.
Grass.
- No construction! - No-- - No construction! - Good morning.
- Hi, excuse me, guys.
- Can we help you, sir? - Yeah, hi.
- Are you lost, little boy? No, I'm not lost.
I'm here to put in a parking lot today, so I'm gonna need you guys to take your game and kind of-- kind of move it elsewhere.
We're not going anywhere, do you understand? You can't bulldoze this, because we are representing Mother Earth.
This is her scalp.
Look, just a little spot of land.
What-- it's not a big deal.
Oh, just a little spot of land.
- Yeah.
- Maybe we should bulldoze those buildings and put grass on that.
How does that sound? Well, you know, if you-- you-- you get-- we get the contract, yeah, I'm-I'm happy to do it.
Oh, you're just all about-- [bleep.]
.
You're all about-- Do you see this? I'm doing the money-- - I-- no, I see it.
- Yeah, you're just hungry.
- Just-- - I just-- I just want to do my job.
Look, the message is clear.
Go elsewhere.
We are not gonna move.
Plus, we can't move.
Ugh.
We're croquet-ed in here.
[groaning.]
Okay.
Good, go have your coffee.
Ha! We got 'em! - Parking lot - We think not.
- Parking lot.
We-- - Hello.
Hi.
- Are you the eco-terrorists? - Who's asking? Well, I'm here to let you guys know that you've been selected to receive an award for best protest at The Protest Awards this afternoon at the Desi Arnaz banquet hall.
All the information is right there.
I'm just gonna leave it right here for ya, just jam it right there in the dirt.
And, uh, it's a black tie event, so please wear your best.
- Huh.
- We will see you there.
- Thank you very much.
- Okay, I guess.
The invitation looks pretty official.
Yeah, there's, like, gold lettering on it.
Also, we're gonna go up there-- we're not just gonna go up there and be like, "Thank you, thank you.
" - We're gonna use it.
- Yeah.
Do you guys wanna go? - I wanna go.
- I'll go.
[award show music.]
- Are we ready? - Whew.
I feel ready.
- I'm ready.
- Okay.
Lest we forget, this is the biggest platform we've ever had to get our message out, so let's get in there and just get to the core of it.
That's right.
Let's get in there.
- [gasps.]
- Oh.
- Ah! What did they do? - No! - No! - What? Great.
- We were duped! - I guess we failed.
- It's our own fault, you know.
- Yeah.
Sorry, kids.
You know, you're just gonna have to find some other little piece of grass to save, because this one's gone, but you know what? You're all winners in my book.
- Let's get outta here, guys.
- Yeah.
See-- Actually, you-- hold on a second.
We prepared a speech, right? Let's say it.
[dramatic music.]
- Let's say it to him.
- I can't wait.
Really? Brandon.
Listen up.
This award is, uh, unexpected.
Uh I can't thank you enough.
We, uh, really didn't see this coming.
I didn't prepare anything.
Uh, is my wife here somewhere? [laughs.]
[indie rock music.]
Fred and Carrie? - Right this way.
- Sure.
Have a seat, please.
[dramatic music.]
[whispering.]
Fred and Carrie, sir.
Fred and Carrie.
Hi.
- How's it going? - How you doing? - Hey.
- Thanks for seeing us.
Oh, thank you for coming in.
So what can I do you for today? We're here to tell you that Portland wants to secede from the nation.
[ominous music.]
It says here you're under a three-year contract with two years still left on it.
The penalty for early termination will be $97.
Uh, wow.
Didn't expect that.
All right.
You're gonna have to return all the American stuff you guys have.
That's American flags, flagpoles, telephone poles.
- What? - Says here you have three gavels.
We will need those gavels back.
This kind of bureaucracy, this kind of overregulation of small people, this is exactly why we're leaving.
Okay.
I don't do this for everyone, but I'll do it for you.
Three years membership in the union, we give you three months of free water and power.
That's it.
All right, get outta here.
Get outta here! - No bribes.
- That's it, go.
Fill out the form that says that Portland is no longer part of the United States.
We would like the city and the river.
- You can't have the river.
- Yes, we can.
Flags of convenience, maritime law.
Any seafaring vessel can seafare alo-- along the sea, along the shores without touching the shore, as long as they have fuel or sails.
- That's not true at all.
- It is very true.
So what kind of taxes are you gonna have in your country? $12.
The currency's gonna be dollars? No, goo-koos.
- Goo-koos? - Goo-koos.
And what's this money gonna look like? They're little balls.
They're like ping pong balls but painted white.
And so everything is done by gravity, so cash registers, instead of being that stupid thing that jumps out at you, is a sack.
So you go to a grocery store, and it'll be like, "Oh, the next goo-koo sack is available.
Please step up"? - Yes.
- Okay.
We're very sorry, but we're proud.
- We're gonna secede.
- All right.
- I can do this for you, but - Thank you.
It'll take three years.
- No.
We want it now.
- Now.
- What's-- what's three years? - You-- you know what? Secession isn't about waiting, and it's not about asking for permission.
It actually is.
That's what you're doing right now.
You're asking me for permission.
- No.
- No, no, we're telling you.
We're telling you that we're leaving.
No, you can't just leave.
You can't just say "leave" and you're gone.
You have to fill out forms! Freedom is not about form! It's about reform, and this is our declaration of independence.
Today is our Fourth of July.
[regal music.]
I am gonna find those gavels.
I know where they are.
They're in the courthouses.
[imitating sheep.]
[groans.]
[imitating explosion.]
[groans.]
- Daddy, I have a question.
- Yeah? When you're dead, are you dead forever? [slow quirky music.]
Oh.
Uh [groans.]
You want to play a game? You can play with my phone if you want.
[gasps.]
I didn't know what to say.
I was just-- "Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
" I mean, I think we just need to start rolling out some of the scarier concepts, you know? Start with the easier stuff, build up to the really heavy things, and-- just a roll out of bad news.
This is a huge leap.
We're like, "Here's candy, here's racism, and then cancer?" - What about death? - Honey, I-- That's what started this.
I know it seems huge, but it's a part of everyday life.
- I-I agree.
- You know, maybe we-- we get him a goldfish or something, yeah.
- And kill the goldfish.
- No.
I-I don't-- Menendez brothers.
Does he need to know about the Menendez brothers? They killed their parents.
He's not gonna kill-- You're right.
You know what, I want to start with something easy.
Plastic surgery.
Okay, explain plastic surgery.
I'm Grover.
Listen, I-I-- [laughs.]
How about geysers? Permanent stains I think is-- is a good one.
Assassinations? Too soon? Too soon? Prison industrial complex.
You don't like geysers, huh? Concussions, football.
So Grover, when you play football-- Oh, he's not playing football.
Brendan, "geyser" is not making it up on this board.
If you want to have a private conversation, - who in you-- - One last argument for it.
- Brendan-- - There are over ten people every 100 years who die in geysers.
You don't think that number's kind of high? - No.
- Santa? That's not till later.
Let's be on the same page as-- as the Santa thing, 'cause I know you-- you found out kind of-- kind of late.
Look, Kris Kringle is a real name.
He is of Russian origin.
What-- where did we get the imagery from? - He is-- - Mythology, fairy tales.
What fairy tale? I believe it - It-- Santa, I-- No, I-- - Gotcha.
He's-- No, you didn't get me.
I got that Beatle box set, and I was like, "Who gave me this?" You said to me, you're like, "It wasn't me," and you shrugged and you smiled.
So you thought that Santa got that for you? - Who got it for me? - I did.
I ordered it off Amazon, it came, I wrapped it up, and I gave it to you.
[somber music.]
[sniffs.]
All right, let's-- let's-- let's see what else there is.
The phone's out of battery.
[hopeful music.]
The phone.
- The phone.
- The phone.
The phone.
Grover, honey, I'm gonna give you a charger.
I want you to charge the phone 'cause we have a lot of words for you to look up.
Yeah, a bunch of words, okay? You could start with "war.
" Yeah, W-A-R.
You know what you could Google, "Santa Claus.
" You mean "Kris Kringle.
" [indie rock music.]
What do you feel like for lunch, hon? Is there a beans place anywhere? Oh, probably.
Peter, will you look at that? I was just reading about this in the paper.
That is Banksy, he's a graffiti artist, and no one knows his identity.
It's so fascinating.
[chuckles.]
Banksy could be anyone.
It's so neat.
A-anyone, huh? Nance, don't you think that looks like my handwriting? [laughs.]
I guess.
[stuttering.]
N-Nance, what if I'm Banksy? Don't be silly.
Well, then Nance, how do you explain my whereabouts between 9:00 PM and 8:00 AM, huh? Uh, you were sleeping.
You were sleeping.
Eh, how do you know what I was doing? I-I could have been doing graffiti all night.
That seems very unlikely, that you'd be doing graffiti in your sleep.
Uh, I-I guess you're right.
I-I do love private property.
I-I-I guess I'm not Banksy.
Peter, what's on your hand? [dramatic music.]
Look at the-- look at the paint.
That's spray-paint on-- on my hand.
Peter, we figured this out earlier.
That is from when I asked you to change the printer cartridge, and you did, and thank you.
You don't know what it's like to be a political artist, and-- Peter, you're not a political guy.
- Yes-- yes I am.
- How? I remember wh-when I saw a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, I-I said, "Hey.
They gotta fix-- they gotta fix that thing.
" Uh-- You're not an anti-corporate human.
Remember when I wrote to-- to-- to Disney and I said, "You should have more Daisy Duck"? Exactly.
You love Walt Disney.
You love Disneyland.
We've been there 18 times.
A-and I've been there 22 times.
Not everyone can be anti-corporate or anti-capitalist.
That's just not who you are, and that's okay.
Now, I'm gonna climb into bed with you, all right? - This is cozy.
- Ow, ow, ow! Don't-- - yeah-- ouch! - [groans.]
Peter? Are you feeling okay? I-I'm just a-a little out of it.
- Probably need some coffee.
- Okay, I'll-I'll get coffee.
- At-- - We're hearing reports of yet another Banksy graffiti sighting on the side of a downtown Portland establishment.
It's an image of Ronald McDonald drinking a cup of Stumptown coffee.
For-- for crying out loud, did you hear that? No, hon.
What's up? Banksy-- me-- is out on-- on the loose again at McDonald's! You love McDonald's, also, you can't draw.
Well, ap-apparently I can.
Well, then draw Ronald McDonald.
Draw him right now.
Peter, that's a stick figure.
It represents Ronald McDonald.
I have to turn myself in.
I'm a criminal.
A-a-a-a-a-and if it please the court, Your Honor, th-th-that is why I'm convinced th-that I'm the political graffiti artist B-Banksy.
I've reviewed the charges against you, which are largely self-inflicted.
You may have noticed I haven't even touched my gavel today.
That's the degree of seriousness we're treating this with.
You're not Banksy.
Peter.
Did you hear him? Just come home.
But I have to answer f-f-for my crimes, Nance.
Your Honor? Someone graffitied the side of the courthouse.
We think it was Banksy.
Ha.
How did I get out of jail? I-- am I Houdini? You're not Houdini.
You're not Banksy.
You know what, I'd love to take this lesson outside.
Like, you know, meet me down there by the new Banksy in a few minutes, have a little talk.
Thank you, Your Honor.
I-I respect your decision.
[spray can spraying.]
[dramatic music.]
[distorted voice.]
Hello, Peter.
I've been waiting for you.
W-w-what is this, a-a-a setup? Am I-- am I being framed? You're not being framed.
I don't mean to be dramatic.
It's very hot out.
Y-you're Banksy? Not quite.
Banksy is a construct to help build up the value of low income neighborhoods.
Oh.
I'm so relieved th-that it's not me.
Everything's better everywhere that we add the art.
Do you like beans? I-I-I love beans.
You get a Banksy, you get a bean store.
- You get a bean restaurant.
- Ooh.
- We did it! Ha ha! - Yeah! Oh, oh, I had new money printed up.
Huh? Look at this.
- Whoa.
- Look at that, huh? I am gonna need a bigger wallet for that.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- That's brilliant.
- Right? Very practical.
This is so much better than goo-koos.
Right? Sometimes you forget your wallet.
That you'll never forget.
Oh, that reminds me.
We have to sign the constitution.
- Oh, my gosh, this is-- - Wow! - This is historical.
- This is it.
This is the Constitution of the People's Republic of Portland.
I even got a special pen.
"I do declare a new nation dedicated to all principles that hereby do represent the values and judgments of the founders who sit before me today.
" We are the Founding Fathers.
Yes, you are.
Do the honors? I mean, this is the real thing.
- And here we go.
- Good, okay, good.
Let me take a picture of this - There you go.
- So I can send it off to the US Government.
- Okay.
- Take it! - Uh-huh.
- Good.
And - Modern times, huh? - Done.
- This is great.
- Nice work.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Okay, now that we got that done, who's ready for Beyoncé? - [screams.]
- [laughter.]
- Yes! - This is the best day! - Huh? Come on! - All right.
I took the liberty of putting together a little video playlist of the Queen Bee's performances.
We're gonna enjoy these tonight.
Oh, a little celebration.
Why does it say "video not available in our country"? Hmm.
That's weird.
- Is it an old computer? - [phone ringing.]
- Is it a computer from another-- - Maybe.
Hello, Mayor of-- uh, sorry.
President of the New People's Republic of Portland.
[regal music.]
Um, oh.
Okay.
Uh, well, thanks for calling.
Ooh, you don't look happy.
Beyoncé's tour is United States only.
She can't perform here unless she has a visa.
She needs a visa to come in here? She needs a visa to come to Portland.
It's my dad's birthday this weekend, and he lives in Washington State.
Am I gonna need a visa to go see him? Yeah, in fact you are.
- I am? - Yeah.
Well, why did-- why didn't we put that in the-- the constitution? Why didn't we, - like, consider these things? - Uh, uh, w-we just-- it's just this one paragraph.
That's all it is.
It's just a constitution.
We haven't-- Mr.
Mayor, I'm gonna ask you a question.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm not gonna get mad.
I pumped all of my savings into the treasury - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- of our new country.
Now, if I go to another country, is this legal? Can I exchange this? Well, Fred-- Oh, no! It'll be fine, we'll figure out-- Mr.
Mayor, Fred is broke, I can't be with my dad on his birthday, and we're not going to Beyoncé! Ah, it's the worst! - Abandon ship.
- Abandon ship.
- Let's get outta here.
- [all talking at once.]
Please? Aw, man.
I'd love to help you guys out, but unfortunately, someone ripped up the contract Portland had with the United States.
Remember that? "Freedom isn't about forms, it's about reforms"? Yeah, let's reform that contract back into something whole.
Yeah, I can print out a new one.
[hopeful music.]
It'll take three to four business years.
[dramatic music.]
So, how'd it go? Oh, I-I got a green card.
They said I am an alien of extraordinary ability.
Uh, great.
And they're still doing a background check on me.
I guess I look vaguely Middle Eastern.
- How about you? - Uh, well, yeah.
I'm gonna keep Portland as a tax shelter for the rich.
I like that, that's a good idea.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, hey, let me know if you want to hide billions of dollars.
- Yeah, we will.
- Okay.
Sushi? has anybody seen Kris Kringle? Santa is a construct.
No, the myth about Santa is a construct.
So there's one Kris Kringle that's been alive for how long? He must be 77.
So the idea of Santa started 77 years ago, when Santa was a baby? Not Santa, Kris Kringle.