Robot Chicken s07e07 Episode Script
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It's alive! Robeast, dead ahead! Better form Voltron! Hey, guys! Mind if I get in on this action? Uh, this isn't really that kind of party, Pink Lion.
Aw, damn it.
Pink Lion! Okay, guys, I'm backing up! Uh, uh, uh, negative, Pink Lion.
Never mind that! Eyes up here, Robeast! This is it! It's go oh, no! I haven't even had Sex Ed in school yet! All right! We lured him in! Launching acidic plasma! We've all been there, buddy.
To give you a better sense of what being on a slave ship would have been like, everyone lie down on the floor so I can duct tape your hands and feet together.
Then, I'm going to choose five of you to be the slave masters.
Dad! Dad! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Unh! Dad! No, Clark.
Stay back.
Aaah! Whoa! Dad! Whaaaa! Whoa! Ah, shit, a fuckin' bear?! Ow, it's got my head! Clark, get the hell over here! No, no.
Go back! You can't ahhh! Fuck! Come back.
Come rescue me! This bear is deep into my skull! No, Clark.
Don't listen to me.
I'm not thinking straight! Aaaah! This was the only way, Clark.
People can't know that you have superpowers.
Aw, damn.
My bad, Clark! It's time for my check-up, Bones.
Let's make this fast.
Sorry, Jim.
Starfleet just handed me the orders.
I'm to give every male crew member a prostate exam.
Fine.
Which one of these gizmos do I blow? I have to insert my finger into your rectum and examine the prostate gland.
This isn't fair.
It's routine, Jim.
I was talking about your walnut-sized knuckles.
I'm going to get hollowed out.
Are you ready, Jim? Just go, Bones.
Boldly go.
Where no man has gone before.
Not while I was sober.
Gaaaaaah! Don't be nervous, Spock.
"Nervous," doctor? Vulcans are not emotional.
Ah, God! Do you trim your fingernails?! Fuck it! Aye, mommy, if you can see me from heaven, shut your eyes.
I'll be with you soon.
Damn it, Scotty! It's a rectal examination, not an execution! Aye, it is, Bones A butt execution.
Aaaah! Who's around to beam up old Scotty? If you feel any discomfort This ain't my first rodeo, Doc.
Mount up.
Bush league.
So, uh So.
Captain's log.
Stardate 4725.
McCoy touched my butthole.
After "The Bell Jar," I cannot seem to write another word.
I, Sylvia Plath, must end it all.
There, that should be hot enough.
Aaaaaaaah! Oh, goodness, that's painful! How do people do this?! Aaaaaaaaah! Oh, my god.
Oh, my fucking god.
Okay.
Okay.
Don't puss out.
This is a time-tested way to kill oneself.
Trust the process.
Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Fuck this! A good bell to jar hard.
" Writing sure is a lot easier when the alternative is sticking your head in the fuckin' oven.
I really don't think this is going to work, your grace.
Well, he fucked the Queen, so hang that giraffe! Category 5 Kaiju approaching.
All pilots report to jeagers now! First, we drift our memories together.
Then we fight.
Got it? Not really.
Let's just gloss over this part and hope the monster fights are cool, all right? Let's do it.
This is incredible.
Your whole life, laid out in front of me.
You stupid fucking dog! I hate you! Oh, my God! You abuse your dog?! H-He ate my TVguide! Now focus! Ooooh, yeah.
Aaaaah.
It's okay, Dave.
E-Everyone does it.
But cows in top hats are a St.
Olaf tradition! Rose, you're so stupid! "Golden Girls"?! The drift goes deep, rookie.
Wait, is this one of my memories? Uhhhhhhhh Oh, you're sick! I've always loved you! Go eat a toilet sandwich, freak! My Queen, you you son of a bitch! The escaped animal is a polar bear with the ability to survive in the arctic and antarctic.
It exhibits massive mood swings like that of a manic-depressive and has equal sexual desires for both males and females.
Dear God, are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting? That's right.
A bi-polar, bipolar, bi polar bear.
That is very stupid.
Time travel has not been invented yet but in 30 years, it will be.
In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me.
My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper.
The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
What are you waiting for? Shoot me! What?! In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me! I can't.
Come on.
Give it to me.
Pleeeeeeease.
I'll have what he's having.
Blee blee blee That's all, folks! Can I listen to this tape in Teddy Ruxpin, mommy? Of course, Jessie.
Do I wish I could just leave my wife? Yes.
If she'd take Jessie with her and get out of my life, that would be ideal.
I just don't see that happening.
Sometimes I just think murder is the only option.
Honey, I'm missing the tape from my therapy session.
Oh, shit.
My wife, Melissa, and I have decided to adopt.
That's wonderful.
Why don't I bring out the first child? Annie? I'm little orphan Annie! Leapin' lizards, I sure am cute! How adorable.
And this is Pippi Longstocking! I'm Pippi Longstocking! Gee whiz, I sure am cute! You sure are, Pippi! Let's do our dance for them! Pippi Longstocking is one of Annie's multiple personalities.
She's had a hard-knock life.
You know, uh sex slavery.
Are all her personalities plucky singing orphans? She's not that creative.
My daddy's a pirate! Sure, he is.
He's not.
Hello.
I'm Harry Potter.
This poor dear's parents were killed in front of him, and his aunt and uncle kept him in a cupboard until child services came.
Uh, you should know he has night terrors.
A lot of kids have nightmares.
Well, I'm a wizard, so my night terrors manifest themselves into actual creatures that try to claw me to death in my sleep.
Ha.
What else is on the table? I'm Oliver Twist! Go to bed, Annie.
Where is the love? Are you my mommy?! Oh, say hello to Bruce Wayne.
His parents were killed in front of him, too.
My favorite story is "Goodnight Moon.
" Remember to do the voices.
Yes, He-Man is nigh unbeatable now, but what if we use this spell to travel back in time and kill his mother before he is born?! Well? - I've stopped pretending my opinion is taken into consideration.
Yeah, well, you're right.
We're traveling back in time to kill He-Man's mother and Beep beep beep beep ba-boop boop.
This just in I don't give a shit what you think about it.
Want to get some hot wings? Ha ha! The perfect plan! Aaah! Is that a berry blue jelly belly? Oh, no, man, no! That's my dick! My body's gone back in time, as well! Beast Man? Beast Man? They call these hot? I-I should have ordered the atomic! We ordered the mild.
Fuck you we ordered the mild! Can I drink your blue cheese?! Ah, what did I do to deserve this?! How am I going to kill He-Man's mom now?! Is that a baby alone in the street? Wait, perhaps I can use my diminutive stature to my advantage.
Waaah! Waaah! Waaah! Dear God! A wild dog bit this baby's face off! I'm a widdle baby! It's still alive in defiance of nature itself! Kill it! Kill it! No one stomps a baby in King Randor's kingdom! Whoa! Wuv me.
Sorry, everyone.
Carry on.
Ah, they're gone.
What luck! He-Man's father will take me to his wife! I'll smother her in her sleep and be a hero to myself, not to society or God, natch.
Whoops, sorry, little buddy.
Got to make a quick detour.
And, uh, what say we keep this a secret from old Mrs.
Randor? So, King Randor has a piece on the side.
Well, that's cool.
You know, I get it.
But what if this woman is He-Man's mother? No, this won't do at all! Now, let's get a look at this harpy! Mom?! That means King Randor was my father, which means noooooo! Avenge me, Beast Man! Avenge me! Wet nap? Wet nap?! I'm gonna have to shave this out! Oh, first time eating buffalo wings? What if it is?! Ba-gawk! Bawk.
Stupid monkey!
Aw, damn it.
Pink Lion! Okay, guys, I'm backing up! Uh, uh, uh, negative, Pink Lion.
Never mind that! Eyes up here, Robeast! This is it! It's go oh, no! I haven't even had Sex Ed in school yet! All right! We lured him in! Launching acidic plasma! We've all been there, buddy.
To give you a better sense of what being on a slave ship would have been like, everyone lie down on the floor so I can duct tape your hands and feet together.
Then, I'm going to choose five of you to be the slave masters.
Dad! Dad! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Unh! Dad! No, Clark.
Stay back.
Aaah! Whoa! Dad! Whaaaa! Whoa! Ah, shit, a fuckin' bear?! Ow, it's got my head! Clark, get the hell over here! No, no.
Go back! You can't ahhh! Fuck! Come back.
Come rescue me! This bear is deep into my skull! No, Clark.
Don't listen to me.
I'm not thinking straight! Aaaah! This was the only way, Clark.
People can't know that you have superpowers.
Aw, damn.
My bad, Clark! It's time for my check-up, Bones.
Let's make this fast.
Sorry, Jim.
Starfleet just handed me the orders.
I'm to give every male crew member a prostate exam.
Fine.
Which one of these gizmos do I blow? I have to insert my finger into your rectum and examine the prostate gland.
This isn't fair.
It's routine, Jim.
I was talking about your walnut-sized knuckles.
I'm going to get hollowed out.
Are you ready, Jim? Just go, Bones.
Boldly go.
Where no man has gone before.
Not while I was sober.
Gaaaaaah! Don't be nervous, Spock.
"Nervous," doctor? Vulcans are not emotional.
Ah, God! Do you trim your fingernails?! Fuck it! Aye, mommy, if you can see me from heaven, shut your eyes.
I'll be with you soon.
Damn it, Scotty! It's a rectal examination, not an execution! Aye, it is, Bones A butt execution.
Aaaah! Who's around to beam up old Scotty? If you feel any discomfort This ain't my first rodeo, Doc.
Mount up.
Bush league.
So, uh So.
Captain's log.
Stardate 4725.
McCoy touched my butthole.
After "The Bell Jar," I cannot seem to write another word.
I, Sylvia Plath, must end it all.
There, that should be hot enough.
Aaaaaaaah! Oh, goodness, that's painful! How do people do this?! Aaaaaaaaah! Oh, my god.
Oh, my fucking god.
Okay.
Okay.
Don't puss out.
This is a time-tested way to kill oneself.
Trust the process.
Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Fuck this! A good bell to jar hard.
" Writing sure is a lot easier when the alternative is sticking your head in the fuckin' oven.
I really don't think this is going to work, your grace.
Well, he fucked the Queen, so hang that giraffe! Category 5 Kaiju approaching.
All pilots report to jeagers now! First, we drift our memories together.
Then we fight.
Got it? Not really.
Let's just gloss over this part and hope the monster fights are cool, all right? Let's do it.
This is incredible.
Your whole life, laid out in front of me.
You stupid fucking dog! I hate you! Oh, my God! You abuse your dog?! H-He ate my TVguide! Now focus! Ooooh, yeah.
Aaaaah.
It's okay, Dave.
E-Everyone does it.
But cows in top hats are a St.
Olaf tradition! Rose, you're so stupid! "Golden Girls"?! The drift goes deep, rookie.
Wait, is this one of my memories? Uhhhhhhhh Oh, you're sick! I've always loved you! Go eat a toilet sandwich, freak! My Queen, you you son of a bitch! The escaped animal is a polar bear with the ability to survive in the arctic and antarctic.
It exhibits massive mood swings like that of a manic-depressive and has equal sexual desires for both males and females.
Dear God, are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting? That's right.
A bi-polar, bipolar, bi polar bear.
That is very stupid.
Time travel has not been invented yet but in 30 years, it will be.
In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me.
My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper.
The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.
What are you waiting for? Shoot me! What?! In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me! I can't.
Come on.
Give it to me.
Pleeeeeeease.
I'll have what he's having.
Blee blee blee That's all, folks! Can I listen to this tape in Teddy Ruxpin, mommy? Of course, Jessie.
Do I wish I could just leave my wife? Yes.
If she'd take Jessie with her and get out of my life, that would be ideal.
I just don't see that happening.
Sometimes I just think murder is the only option.
Honey, I'm missing the tape from my therapy session.
Oh, shit.
My wife, Melissa, and I have decided to adopt.
That's wonderful.
Why don't I bring out the first child? Annie? I'm little orphan Annie! Leapin' lizards, I sure am cute! How adorable.
And this is Pippi Longstocking! I'm Pippi Longstocking! Gee whiz, I sure am cute! You sure are, Pippi! Let's do our dance for them! Pippi Longstocking is one of Annie's multiple personalities.
She's had a hard-knock life.
You know, uh sex slavery.
Are all her personalities plucky singing orphans? She's not that creative.
My daddy's a pirate! Sure, he is.
He's not.
Hello.
I'm Harry Potter.
This poor dear's parents were killed in front of him, and his aunt and uncle kept him in a cupboard until child services came.
Uh, you should know he has night terrors.
A lot of kids have nightmares.
Well, I'm a wizard, so my night terrors manifest themselves into actual creatures that try to claw me to death in my sleep.
Ha.
What else is on the table? I'm Oliver Twist! Go to bed, Annie.
Where is the love? Are you my mommy?! Oh, say hello to Bruce Wayne.
His parents were killed in front of him, too.
My favorite story is "Goodnight Moon.
" Remember to do the voices.
Yes, He-Man is nigh unbeatable now, but what if we use this spell to travel back in time and kill his mother before he is born?! Well? - I've stopped pretending my opinion is taken into consideration.
Yeah, well, you're right.
We're traveling back in time to kill He-Man's mother and Beep beep beep beep ba-boop boop.
This just in I don't give a shit what you think about it.
Want to get some hot wings? Ha ha! The perfect plan! Aaah! Is that a berry blue jelly belly? Oh, no, man, no! That's my dick! My body's gone back in time, as well! Beast Man? Beast Man? They call these hot? I-I should have ordered the atomic! We ordered the mild.
Fuck you we ordered the mild! Can I drink your blue cheese?! Ah, what did I do to deserve this?! How am I going to kill He-Man's mom now?! Is that a baby alone in the street? Wait, perhaps I can use my diminutive stature to my advantage.
Waaah! Waaah! Waaah! Dear God! A wild dog bit this baby's face off! I'm a widdle baby! It's still alive in defiance of nature itself! Kill it! Kill it! No one stomps a baby in King Randor's kingdom! Whoa! Wuv me.
Sorry, everyone.
Carry on.
Ah, they're gone.
What luck! He-Man's father will take me to his wife! I'll smother her in her sleep and be a hero to myself, not to society or God, natch.
Whoops, sorry, little buddy.
Got to make a quick detour.
And, uh, what say we keep this a secret from old Mrs.
Randor? So, King Randor has a piece on the side.
Well, that's cool.
You know, I get it.
But what if this woman is He-Man's mother? No, this won't do at all! Now, let's get a look at this harpy! Mom?! That means King Randor was my father, which means noooooo! Avenge me, Beast Man! Avenge me! Wet nap? Wet nap?! I'm gonna have to shave this out! Oh, first time eating buffalo wings? What if it is?! Ba-gawk! Bawk.
Stupid monkey!