Scrubs s07e07 Episode Script

- Turk, I totally ruined lzzy's life.
- Already? It's only 8:30.
I totally forgot there was a parents' meeting for her playgroup this morning.
Now she's going to get kicked out.
She won't have any friends.
She's going to drop out of high school.
She's going to start dating some gangbanger, who you're going to harass over and over and over again to get his life together until he snaps and shoots you in the face.
Oh, my God! Whoa.
Wow, you're bringing the crazy extra hard today, huh? - Take a deep breath.
- Okay.
You're the most amazing mom I've ever seen.
One tiny mistake can't ruin something that good.
That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
It is? This is going to come back to you in a good way.
What kind of a good way? In the boudoir, right? Up high.
We're getting a little old to be making such a big deal out of having sex.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm just playing, man! Thank goodness.
When you said that, I died a little inside.
Give it up for me getting some! - Upstairs! - Downstairs! I don't really like "downstairs.
" Really? Well, I wanted to try it.
You ready to do this? As attending physicians, it was important that Turk and I took an interest in the interns.
All right.
You're Space Invaders! Try and stay together, for goodness' sake.
Game on! Eat it! All right, Boon, you're the Mother Ship.
Josephine, use your annoying voice to make the Mother Ship sound.
Go.
Somebody get him some ice! Does anyone know why we did that? Because you're so mean and stupid? No.
We did it to teach you an important lesson about medicine, which we'll reveal to you once you've changed into dry scrubs.
- What's the lesson? - I don't know.
We need to come up with something quick though, because Boon has a concussion, and his father's a lawyer.
What could we have been teaching them? All right, listen up.
I'll tell you one thing, people.
You've got to be ready for anything this hospital throws at you.
- That's perfect.
- I'll go tell the interns.
Wait, wait.
Let me write it down so you don't forget.
That's a good idea.
Continue.
I've got an overweight patient back there who has already had his stomach stapled and is now taking diet medication that gives you painful diarrhoea whenever you eat more than Anyone want to guess what he's in the hospital for? I'll give you a hint.
It is very painful and it rhymes with "shmiarrhoea.
" You know what? Here is an idea.
Patients should just pay me to take the food right out of their hands before they even have a chance to cram it down those disgusting doughnut-mashers they call mouths.
I mean, honestly God, Perry, how many times do I have to say it? We're tired of your speeches.
If you can't stop, I'll have to hire an orchestra to play that award show music they use to hustle long-winded Hollywood fruitcakes off the stage.
I'm just sick and tired of Do you think I should try my new "I'll take that food right out of your hands" diet on him? Does it matter what I say? - Does it ever? - No.
Some burns are so bad they still get our attention.
Emery, my name is Dr Dorian.
I'm gonna take good care of you, okay? I promise.
Speaking of getting badly burned I'll tell you why I threw water balloons at y'all, all right? I threw water balloons at you guys because - I'm so calling my dad.
- You're in trouble now, Mr Man.
I'm gonna kill J.
D.
So, Emery, your skin grafts are looking great.
It should only be a few more weeks and we'll have you in physical therapy.
No, I have to be out of here by this Saturday.
Why? You got a Careful, he's a burn victim.
Don't say "hot date.
" Hot rendezvous? - Damn it.
- No, it's my high school graduation.
Look, all my friends are going off to different colleges.
This is the last time that we'll be together.
Please, just don't make me miss this.
I'll see what I can do.
Turk, don't forget to get your shift covered tonight.
It's the six-year anniversary of our first date.
I hope the present you got me is a good one, because the one I got you is slamming.
- I can't wait.
- Okay.
So what's the big gift there, Gordon? - Who? - Black guy from Sesame Street.
Well, the past couple of months, I've secretly been taking classes and listening to tapes and I have learned Spanish for my baby.
That's fantastic.
It only took you six years to learn the language that your wife speaks.
Hey! I've been eavesdropping.
I got Lady a real gift for our one-month anniversary.
I cured her fear of the unknown.
Women are like crows.
They like shiny things, classy stuff they can wear in their ears, around their necks, - through their nipples.
- Crows have nipples? Don't listen to them, C-Bear.
It's an amazing gift.
Plus, you know how everyone's rude to those day labourers across the street? Now we can finally talk to them.
Turk, look at the size of this churro.
And over there, there's a lake filled entirely with guacamole.
I'm sorry, I don't speak the Spanish-ita.
Is that gonna be a problem? Do you guys have any idea when the black guy's coming down? Because he has the car keys.
Idiot! That place is piñata! Score! Lloyd, you're an ambulance driver now? That's right, bro.
Driving an amby.
E.
M.
T.
Emergency something-something.
Coolio.
So how does it compare to delivering packages? - Excuse me.
- What is it, bro? Shouldn't I ride in back with my fingers? - Pretty much the same.
Late.
- Late.
- Lloyd.
- Dude! Elliot, can I get your advice on something? My burn patient really wants to go to his high school graduation this weekend.
Why? Mine was awful.
I was the valedictorian, but instead of bringing my speech, I grabbed my mom's love letter to our pool boy.
Well, I was so nervous, I ended up reading that one anyways.
Apparently, I spoke a lot about my fondness for "throbbing members.
" Still, my closing words to my graduating class were actually kind of appropriate.
Something about wanting to make sure I chased all of my dreams before I was all old and dried up down there.
Okay, but do you think that I should tell Emery that he'll be able to go? That's a tough call.
I mean, his skin grafts are improving, but he could take a bad turn.
Dr Reid, could you sign off on these test results? - Yes.
- To hell with it.
Not at all, Boon.
Emery, I'm going to get you to that graduation! Awesome! You know what? I wouldn't get his hopes up.
Thank you for your advice on that.
Yeah.
It's tough.
So, you guys doing something special for your anniversary night? You know what would be great? - Here we go.
- Brinner.
- "What-er"? - Breakfast for dinner.
He's obsessed with it.
Well, I just don't see what's wrong with having a nice glass of wine with a pancake.
- Here.
Bye, baby.
- Bye, Mommy.
Hey, thanks for watching lzzy for us tonight.
- Hello? - Here's a list of things that I like to do for her that Carla doesn't know about.
For example, I'm not allowed to bother lzzy at night.
But if she starts to cry, you crawl in her crib and sleep next to her.
Yeah, I'm going to be doing that even if she's not crying.
Okay, here's the other thing.
Carla doesn't want her to have any juice, but if you let her sip from a juice box she gets really, really happy and starts squeaking like R2-D2.
Sugar juice equals happy squeaking.
Got it.
I love how Carla's rigid parenting rules don't apply to us.
- I know! - Right? - Bye, baby.
Bye, baby.
- Bye, Daddy.
Come on, baby.
I got the fever for some French toasty-toast! Turk, please.
I'm on the phone.
French toast! Whatever you're making for dinner tonight, honey, is fine with me.
Hey.
What do you say there, Barbie? What are you doing here? I just came to borrow this stroller to take lzzy to the mall.
I see.
Do you think lzzy might like a muffin? She can't have processed food.
- Carla's not around.
- Give me that.
Right.
Emery's grafts are looking great.
Let's get that man a cap and gown.
Why would you bother asking for my advice if you're just going to ignore it? Come on, Elliot.
You know when people ask for advice, they're really just looking for someone to back up the decision they already made.
It's like when I asked you if I should buy those white cords.
You said no, but it didn't matter.
I was gonna buy them anyway because they matched my white cord jacket.
Yeah, and that outfit's hideous.
Now you're just embarrassing yourself.
All right.
Whoever stole my muffin is going to have to get this green fuzz out of my teeth.
Baby, I know you'll never believe me, but bacon ice cream is the perfect after-brinner treat.
So, are you ready for presents? - Baby, you already made me brinner.
- Well, this is for you, too.
You look absolutely amazing, but it's kind of hard to beat brinner.
Perfect.
Anything for me? Yeah.
They say it's better to give than to receive, but sometimes holding on to the perfect gift can get you more than you ever thought possible.
Tomorrow I'm taking you to the jewellery store where you can purchase anything you want.
Yeah! Right? You can have anything you want.
Right there.
Of course, sometimes the gift you give isn't as perfect as you thought.
Tough news there, Newbie.
Patient's leg is infected.
There's no way he's going to graduation.
- What? - All the best.
Today was gonna suck.
I had to tell Emery he couldn't go to his graduation.
Plus, I had forgotten that Turk still owed me one, and that yesterday we made a water balloon so big that we actually named it.
Fat Daddy.
Yeah! So, Gandhi, how does your wife like her terrible present? I haven't told her yet.
I mean, I was going to, but her not knowing I understand Spanish is like having a secret power.
It got me flapjacks for dinner.
You got brinner? Damn, Turkle-dawg! Still, I gotta tell her.
I feel like I'm spying on her.
Marriage is a lifelong battle, except we men have been given no weapons.
That's why I break into Enid's e-mail account.
Not telling Jordan that I've been reading her journal is one of the best decisions that I have ever made.
Now I know all of her hopes and dreams, which, of course, make them easier to crush.
You know, this morning I heard her tell a friend Which meant, "I wish he didn't smell like eggs every time he works out.
" So I put on deodorant.
You know, when you think about it, Carla not knowing I understand her really is the best thing for her.
Welcome to the club.
Have some pizza.
Crap.
- Fat Daddy? - It was beautiful.
What am I going to tell Emery? Did you hear the song we wrote? Nurse, do you mind? Going to graduation I'm going to graduation It's called I'm Going To Graduation (The Graduation Song).
Look, you already put yourself out there.
Let's just follow through.
I checked his infection.
It's not that bad.
We just need an ambulance and some other volunteers.
We can still pull this off.
Janitor, will you help? Oh, no, I can't.
Now that I cured Lady of her fear of the unknown, I'm working on her irrational fear of losing loved ones.
I arranged for a couple friends of mine to kidnap her parents.
Kapow.
Triple-chocolate hazelnut fudge with a filling made out of tiny brownies.
The baker said it would feed 16, but I am going to take this mama-jama down in one sitting.
- Well? - Well what? Perry, since I won free muffins for life, I know I have packed on a few, but this system is working.
I am even using the real holes in my belt and not the ones I stabbed with a screwdriver.
So come on, I'll pretend to talk to this guy, you ditch the cake.
Hey, random employee, blah, blah, blah.
Bob, I'm very busy.
Fine.
Can't you people see I'm trying to get some work done here? Leave.
For funsies, I'm going to say two words I've always wanted to say ever since I started working here.
You ready? Make me.
- No, you didn't! - Oh, yes, I did! - You did! - I did.
I like it.
I'm going to go ahead and play it that way.
Say, Carla - That's not even true! - How did you even understand that? Yeah, Milk Dud.
Is it because you comprehend all languages - and you are a super genius? - That ain't it.
Or is it that you secretly learned Spanish so that you could spy on our dear Carla here right underneath her nose? - I trusted you.
- That wasn't very smart, was it? I hope you're happy.
Oh, Bob.
All right.
Thank you for your help, guys.
- You too, Lloyd.
- Later, dude! - You understood me.
- I should've told you right away.
Brinner had a lot to do with it.
I love brinner.
Hello? Still, I should've told you.
I'm sorry.
I forgive you.
Excuse me? The other day when I missed that stupid playgroup meeting and decided I was a horrible mother, and you told me not to let a little mistake erase a good thing.
Remember what I said? This is going to come back to you in a good way.
This is it coming back? Besides, it must have been really hard for you to learn Spanish.
It was so hard.
And it can be really tough for you to learn new things.
- I know.
I am so slow.
- Say it in Spanish.
Say it again.
I'm going to graduation, to graduation - I'm a little nervous.
- I can tell.
You're a little bit off-key.
But don't worry.
Everything's going to be just fine.
- Where's Turk? - Huh? I don't know.
- Lloyd? - Just going with the vibe, bro.
Okay, buddy.
It's time.
I'm going to take out your IV.
- How you doing? - I'm good.
Okay.
Now, the morphine I gave you is gonna kick in soon.
Once you get across the stage, you'll be back in the hospital.
- He's up next, guys.
- All right.
Good luck.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Emery Redmond! - All right.
Enjoy it.
Even though we couldn't actually see Emery walk across and receive his diploma, I think we all felt like this was one of our proudest moments.
Yeah, we probably shouldn't have done that.
At least Emery's mom got some good pictures.
She said she could always Photoshop out his anguish.
Hey, how come you helped me even though I totally ignored your advice? I don't know.
You were in a crappy situation, and we're friends.
And yet we only hang out when we're torturing burn victims.
That's just because we're both usually seeing someone.
You and I both disappear when we're in relationships.
All right, you know what? Let's make a pact.
From now on, let's promise each other that we'll always hang out, even if the other person is dating someone.
Deal.
But what if one of us started dating someone that could be the one? We could totally diss each other if it's the one.
Or if it's someone, like, preposterously hot.
Agreed.
If I met a hottie, you'd never see me.
What's the rule if the person's really fugly, but really, really easy? Anyway, I gotta go pick up Sam.
You want to come? Yeah, as long as you know that if I don't get to hold him the whole time, I'll probably cry.
I think in the end, life is about the connections we make, and the way Oh, my God.
What the hell's he doing? Don't look at me.