Veep s07e07 Episode Script
Veep
1 Did the President call? - No.
- No.
I just found out that math was created by Muslims.
Math teachers are terrorists! How about for once in your life, you stop complaining and just man up.
I've decided to suspend my campaign for President of the United States.
That bastard Ballentine caught shingles from Typhoid Jonah.
That makes you the governor of Iowa! - Ma'am.
- What? You are not going to believe it.
Tom James is fucking Michelle.
You can have Tibet.
What? What's going on here? I thought nobody gave two Osama bin Shits about the drone strike.
This is about killing elephants.
Is this gonna affect my numbers, you think? Yes.
OK! All right, ladies and gentlemen, the final votes for tonight.
Governor Calhoun, 420.
Congressman Ryan, 453.
Senator Talbot, 1,785.
- Boo! - President Meyer, 1,817.
No candidate has secured a delegate majority of 2,368, so we have no nominee.
- Did we win? - Oh, yeah.
I'm the president, and you're the first lady.
Oh, we would crush it.
And it seems we have ourselves a deadlocked convention, the first since 1952.
Senator Talbot has indeed made a miraculous comeback.
You know, it's worse having to hear it from Mike.
Furlong wants to see all the candidates for a late-night pow-wow.
- No offense, Marjorie.
- Some offense.
Mom, you need to tell the party that they never should have held the convention in North Carolina.
Their bathroom bill is an absolute disgrace.
Guys, who gives a shit where people shit? That is literally the point, Mother.
OK, then we agree.
Right? Shut.
Up.
We have to get in touch with all the floor whips.
We have to make sure our delegates hold.
- I'll whip the whips.
- You know, the Chinese are ready to fix this whole damn election if I can be the nominee.
- Not here.
Not hearing this.
- No, that is the plan.
- How ya doin' there, John? - Outstanding, ma'am.
That's my hero.
And keep on getting it out there that I plan on choosing Governor DeVito as my veep, 'cause we might get a few more delegates out of this.
Wounded warrior, Roman Catholic Oh, my God, is that still a thing? Two-time Ohio governor, 18 Electoral College votes.
Most importantly, he has a penis.
Right, Governor? I'm still with you, ma'am! Till the end, like we used to say back in Iraq.
- Might want to double-check that penis.
- That's Kent's job.
Mr.
Chairman, I would just like to point out that the official count cannot be trusted.
Oh, no, Beautiful Mindfuck.
You are not gonna desecrate my convention with more of this Muslim math nonsense.
How do you explain that when I add up my delegates - with Christian math - Amen! The number is quite different than the official total? Because you were born with three umbilical cords wrapped around your neck, - Hep C Kevin McHale.
- No, I wasn't.
- My apologies, Mr.
Chairman.
- Madam President.
What is Leon doing with her? Installing cameras in all her closets and bathrooms.
So, what did I miss? Did President Meyer find a way to steal the nomination from me like she stole South Carolina? Stealing South Carolina is the bedrock of our political system, Senator.
Well, there it is, that casual Meyer attitude towards criminal enterprise, just like her husband.
- Gary: Ex-husband.
- Step-husband.
If you can't figure out how to steal South Carolina, you have no business being president.
- Oh, is that how you feel? - Yes! Am I right? Hey! Hey! All right! Right now, every Sunday pundit and poli-sci major is treating this brokered convention like it's a big-titted college gymnast whose daddy fucked with her just enough that she'll do some dirty shit, but she can still cum.
Hittin' a little close to home there, Roger, minus the big-titted part.
We've never had a complaint, have we? But if we don't pillow-smother this sad grandma of a convention lickity-fuckin'-split, we are gonna wind up with four more years of Montez clogging up the White House plumbing with tampons.
- That's not a problem for us.
- It's fine.
Tomorrow is the second ballot, OK? None of these delegates are bound to any candidate anymore.
So it's time to get out there and start twisting some arms and pinching nipples.
And what else, Will? And may the best man win.
And may the hairiest man zip-tie me to a slaughterhouse drainage grate and make tender hate to my rear and mouth, in that order, at his leisure.
Ha ha! Beautiful.
Well done, pig.
Dismissed.
Selina, you got a minute? Roger, I don't want to hear it.
We need a ticket.
Just offer her veep.
You and Kemi scissoring at the top of the ticket is gonna make everyone rock hard.
I don't need her.
OK? I've got the diving bell and the governor.
- Come on.
- Just make the deal! Or what's gonna happen, Will? Aw, shit, Will left.
It was a good one.
- Sorry to miss that.
- Ma'am.
Oh, God.
Go away, Amy.
Really.
- Your voice is like a crow.
- But ma'am, I just want to No! There is no place for Jonah Ryan in my administration.
Or anywhere in the universe where the building blocks of life are present.
OK? I'll be right back.
- Uh, caballeros.
- Caballeros! - Do you wanna close the thing? - Nice try, Amy.
Ben, we've already got Florida, we've got a butt-load of delegates.
Your offer is as appealing as a Sriracha enema.
So fuck your offer, and fuck you.
- It's always good to see ya.
- You too.
I miss you guys.
- Keith, you havin' fun? - Yes, thank you.
Oh, thank you! Oh! I hope I can count on your support.
What are they clapping like that for? Congratulations, ma'am.
You just broke North Carolina's transgender bathroom law.
What? I've been fielding media requests all morning, Richard.
The keynote speech was such a hit.
New York Times? Krugman is positively creaming his khakis.
Amazing speech last night, Governor Splett.
Thank you.
What state are you a delegate from? - The Ukraine.
- A Wisconsin sister state.
Can I get a photo with you? - Sure.
- Absolutely not.
Thank you, though.
How 'bout I get one of you two? - Oh, yes.
- No, that's fine.
So sorry your wife couldn't make the convention, Congressman.
- We have to go.
- Good seeing you.
Enjoy the convention.
Morning, ma'am.
Some disturbing rumblings from Justice Oh, I'm sorry.
What? It's OK, Ben.
You've seen behind the curtain.
My source tells me that Kemi's been kicking up some dirt on the Meyer Fund.
- Oh, come Well, that's Leon.
- I don't know.
Why does everybody get good at their job after I fire them? - Lip time.
Let's do lips.
- No, no, no.
I want to save the Dubonnet for when I get the nomination.
OK? 'Cause it's discontinued.
I'm wearing this now.
There's a simple solution for this, OK? Just ask Kemi to be your veep.
I cannot stand her! And I don't say that about a lot of people.
Hmm Plus, she called me a criminal last night.
Kent and I were up all night doing the numbers In the words of the great Eleanor Roosevelt, I would rather cheese-grater my clit.
- So we'll put a pin in that.
- That too.
Morning.
Mom, you're a regular bathroom warrior.
- Oh, really? - We're very proud of you for standing up for the trans community.
Well, thank you, Peppermint Patty, but you're not a Oh, no, ma'am.
I'm a cis woman.
I mean, that's not a crazy question to ask.
Not at all.
You and your gay pals can make me the Grand Marshal of the next parade that you have that messes up all the traffic.
Actually, ma'am, it's a myth that lesbians and gay men have any natural affinity.
As a matter of fact, Gertrude Stein was physically disgusted by male homosexuals.
- Excuse me? - How'd she feel - about tedious lesbians? - Big fan, ma'am.
So how's the Piss Heard Round the World playing with all the delegates? The NYPD found a van full of explosives at Kennedy Airport.
This is why everyone should just fly private.
You've been completely knocked out of the news cycle.
- Oh, God.
- Ma'am, Governor DeVito is here to speak with you about his speech.
OK, great! Ha ha ha.
John-boy! - Ah.
- Johnny? Hmm.
Is he Ah! And there he is! - Governor DeVito.
- Yes.
My running mate.
Well, not literally, of course but Did you get a chance to review my nominating speech? I did, and I have to tell you SOMETHING: it is a delight.
- I wouldn't change a word.
Right, Ben? - Awesome.
Absolutely.
So I'm gonna actually talk to Kent about some numbers.
- Kent.
- The president, she loved your speech.
Especially the line "There are really three Americas.
" I'm so glad you responded to that.
She's gonna use that in her speech.
Pretend to talk to me about numbers.
The most compelling number to me is not a number at all, - it's a concept.
- I said pretend, OK? I was pretending.
My favorite number is Euler's number.
She's also gonna take the line "No matter what, I will always stand for America.
" - That's a reference to my leg.
- She'll tweak it.
So are we good, then? Everything cool? - Great.
All set.
- OK.
Fantastic.
Thank you so much for coming.
Really.
Honestly.
Bye-bye.
Take care.
So good seein' ya.
Take good care.
- Madam President.
- Yeah, yeah.
We're still good on the veep slot, right? Oh, yeah, hundred percent.
You're my veep.
- All right.
- Great.
See you soon.
I want to offer Buddy Calhoun veep.
- OK.
- 'Cause with his delegates and all that Bible-y B.
S.
, the rest of the delegates'll have to fall in line, and Kemi can go and suck lecture-circuit dick in hell.
And by "hell," I mean The Kennedy School.
- Hey, ma'am.
- Yeah.
The floor whips are picking up a rumor that Buddy is flirting with endorsing Kemi.
Oh, please.
Buddy's not flirting with anything that's not wearing a leather vest and a Nazi cap.
Hey, guys.
God created men's rooms and women's rooms, not "everyone rooms.
" I don't think Buddy's gonna be taking your veep slot.
I don't want to go into a bathroom and be next to a woman who is looking at my genitals.
I want that person that I'm next to to be a man, or, better yet, lots of men.
Glory, glory, hole-ellelujah.
Ma'am, if Governor Calhoun is joining forces with Kemi - We've gotta call Kemi right away.
- No! Not her! We're gonna call Amy, um - Brookheimer.
- Brookheimer.
What are you guys doing here? You here to see me get interviewed by Mike on CBS News? I wish, but I'm in a bit of a rush.
I've gotta go be interviewed by Mike on CBS.
Guess that means you've been bumped.
Although ABC News is doing a piece on presidential also-rans who can almost suck their own dicks.
So while you're in makeup, why don't you go talk to them? Ohh.
Like you've never tried.
I'm probably gonna need that mic.
You came to the convention as Governor Richard Splett of Iowa, but after your electrifying speech just two nights ago, party insiders are calling you Richard Splett, "future of the party.
" Honestly, I'm glad that what I said resonated with folks.
Plus, it gave me a chance to break out my ASL skills.
You know, for the deaf American delegates.
Yeah.
All right, let's talk turkey, Governor.
- Wonderful pets.
- What about all these rumors that Senator Talbot is talking to you about a position in her administration? When you listen to rumors, you rue more than Nope.
I don't know where I was going with that.
Works in sign language.
Very cagey.
Jane, back to you.
- All clear! - Thanks for having me.
Richard, that was fantastic.
Us Weekly wants to do a piece on you: 25 Things That No One Knows About You.
Well, number one is, I love lists.
- Oh, Dan! - Oh, hey, man.
- What kind of suit is that? - Hugo Boss? - What's wrong with this suit? - It's not network.
Hello, fellow Americans! - Ma'am.
You wanted to see me? - Ben.
Move.
Amy, we've been working together a really long time, it just occurred to me, and you've always been like - Daughter? - a sister to me.
More like a childless aunt.
I just thought for old times' sake I might throw you a bone.
Have Jonah instruct his delegates of Dr.
Moreau to back me on the second ballot tonight, and we might be able to find something for him at Ben? Where can he do the least amount of harm? EPA.
Perfect.
What is happening? - Was she always like this? - Oh, it used to be worse.
You haven't heard.
I haven't heard what, Amy? Oh, shit.
The suspect in the JFK bombing is one Mr.
Abdul Azeem, a high school mathematics teacher whose Facebook page is all about radical Islam - and trigonometry.
- So are a lot of people's.
Move.
Move! Azeem teaches seventh grade algebra and eighth grade trigonometry Jonah was right.
He was spectacularly right! And you know what that makes me, sister? - Spitty? - The campaign manager for the next President of the United States! So if you want to discuss potential opportunities for yourself in the Ryan administration, maybe I'll throw you a bone.
Ma'am this is bad.
I know.
Do you want me to take care of Amy? For the last year I have been crisscrossing the country, warning America about the threat of math to our way of life.
- Yeah! - Which is why, President Meyer, Senator Talbot, and Governor Calhoun, I have something to say to you: I told you so! - He told you so! - Yeah! Oh, hey, do you remember my five-alarm hottie of a wife Beth? She just got out of rehab today.
Yeah! And plus, while she was in there, she dropped a couple pounds in all the right places, so she's hella even hotter than she was before.
- Kill her! - Yeah! I mean, not her, man, but yeah, sure.
Look, I love America, but it is time to face facts.
This is a horrific country that is falling apart because it is full of people who are different than me.
I was right! And that means I should be president! Thank you! Thank you! That is 34 more delegates from Selina and 17 from Kemi.
- We have Florida - That's right, guys, next stop, the White House, and then it's payback time! - Mom! - Hi, Clay! - She's out? - Oh no, I'm all better.
- Hi, Beth.
- Hi, Amber.
We just got denounced by the ACLU.
We are going to win this thing! - Yes! - Jonie, my boy! - Fuck me! - We did it! Ever since you were little, I've been telling your mom, "Someday that beautiful, brilliant boy of yours is gonna do great things!" I thought you told my mom to sell me to a child molester and use the money to get her tubes tied.
Eh, we're family.
Come here, you! You know, the Jews have a word for this feeling I'm having right now.
I can't remember it sounds like three Germans cumming real hard inside something that doesn't want them to.
Oh, Jewish is such a beautiful language.
That's not the only reason I'm here.
I come bearing gifts! New Hampshire's 27 delegates are yours! Oh, thank you, Uncle Jeff! Get me Vermont.
- I think I can sweet-talk them.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, Jeff Kane.
Who am I speaking with? Ah.
How's your dad? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
OK, shut the fuck up! Listen, you Subaru-driving bull dykes! You better back Jonah on the next ballot or you will be leaf-peeping from inside your own maple syrup-soaked assholes! I'll give 'em five minutes, then I'll hit 'em with Bad Cop.
They're calling it Ryan Fever.
The former congressman's message is finding a new audience Assemblyman, I have been to Buffalo six times, and I'm not even a serial killer.
So I OK, forget it.
- Ma'am.
Ma'am.
- What? What? The captain of the Texas delegation says that all of his bum steers are stampeding towards Jonah! We cannot lose Texas.
Texas is our firewall! Listen, Ben, you gotta go back to Texas right now, OK? And just tell 'em they can violate me with their assault rifles and a full slab of ribs on top of a stack of slavery-free history textbooks.
You gotta go do that, Ben.
- Go do that right now.
- Texas is our firewall.
- Yeah, do it.
- Ma'am.
Ma'am.
- Yeah, what is it? - You need to see this.
We never got proper answers about the Meyer Fund or its many foreign donors.
- This is Leon.
- That is why I've asked the Justice Department and the FBI - to reopen its investigation.
- Oh, my God.
The president was in close contact with her husband Andrew Meyer The FBI? Up until his extremely suspicious death.
Why is this so hard? I just wanna be president.
Do you want six almonds? No! This, Kent, is why I was right not to offer her veep.
- She's the worst.
- Yeah.
Ma'am, all due respect, maybe you should consider being her veep? That's not fucking funny, Kent.
I haven't been funny since 1987.
- Ma'am? Um - What? Adios, New Mexico.
Ohh.
Hey, Ben.
- Out of my way.
- Sorry.
- Jesus.
- At least he's getting some exercise.
Oh, yes! Politico's reporting that Jonah's talking to you about the Secretary of Commerce.
I wish.
Sounds much better than the conversation we were having about why his urine is pink.
We ruled out beets because he doesn't know what those are.
Then had to rule it right back in for the same reason.
Richard, look, there was no offer, OK? It was me, all right? I pulled that turd out of my ass, covered it in ketchup, and Politico asked for seconds.
You could've ended that sentence at "me.
" One thing is clear after this runaway-Ferris wheel of a convention, and that's that Montez is gonna be president for another four years.
Well, makes sense.
She made me proud to be an American again.
OK, but after that, it's Splett Time.
We can't call it that unless we want to get sued by my uncle's podcast.
No, Senator, this whole Meyer Fund story is a distraction, sir, the way a magician does tricks to distract you from how depressing his life is.
- And I I'll call you back.
- Ah Ah - So what'd you find out? - Ahm Ahmj - What? - Ajai Ajai "Ajai"? Oh, my God! He's having a heart attack! - Eighth time's a charm.
- Oh, my God! Stay here with us, Ben! I don't know the names of any of the floor whips.
We need EMTs up at the Meyer box, stat.
White male, type 2 diabetes also type 1.
Ma'am, there's something happening out on the floor you need to see.
I'm gonna roll you over, Ben.
No, no! No.
- What? - Just look down there.
Draft Tom James! You know, I just want to say, I was roadkill on the side of the political highway.
One of the nice things about being dead is, it gives you time to think.
Also, fewer telemarketers.
But I thought, and I thought that I don't like the direction our party is taking.
Maybe the reason we can't find a nominee is, everyone's just saying the same-old same-old.
- Run, Tom, run! - Run, Tom, run! Run What do you think I'm trying to do? Powerful words from Tom James.
Let's go now to Michael McLintock on the convention floor with Senator Tom James, whose potential Hail Mary is gaining steam.
I'm reading the wrong card.
Many now say Tom James is the only answer they'll accept as the brokered convention drags on.
I honestly think I might be in hell.
No such place, ma'am.
The concept of hell is a cultural memory of pre-Mosaic child sacrifice among proto-Judean peoples.
You're making a strong case for hell.
Tom played it perfectly.
He'll clinch the nomination on tomorrow night's ballot.
Knock, knock.
Take State.
Senator.
Here to rub it in, Tom? No rubbing.
Gary.
Get.
No, I just came by to see how Ben was.
My first congressional race.
Ben can't have been more than 140 years old.
He ran the other guy, wiped the floor with me.
They may have to put him in a medically induced coma, so It's what he always wanted.
All right, let's go.
Start your gloating, make whatever insulting offer it is you're gonna make.
I didn't come here to make an offer.
I don't have the patience for this.
And I'm certainly not gonna beg.
I'm not asking you to beg.
There's nothing to beg for.
You don't have a political future, Selina.
That is your punishment.
Punishment? What are you talking about? I have people who like me, lots of people with signs, "New Selina Now" That is working.
That The party, and the nation, will never forget all that "door" you pushed open Yes backwards and in heels.
Hang in there.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Hold on.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Please, come on.
If Tom, when we're not the worst team ever, we make a really good team! Please! Oh.
Madam President.
Senator, the New York delegation is on the phone.
Well, it's been fun.
Let's do this again at Ben's next cardiopulmonary event.
I'll wave at you from the stage.
Yeah, well, that was gloating.
- A little bit.
- Yeah.
Wipe that grin-eating dick off your face.
Oh.
I could use a drink.
Yeah.
Me too.
Phew.
Tom James.
Kent says he'll take it on tomorrow night's ballot.
I think this is it for me, too.
Oh, no.
You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna be good as new, and then we'll figure out my next move.
I've had a dozen heart attacks, and if I play my cards right, I'll have a dozen more, but I think this is my last rodeo.
No, Ben! You're my hatchet man.
You're the hatchet man.
I need you.
How can I do this without you? Don't be an idiot, Selina.
You know exactly what to do.
No.
Yeah.
Yeah.
OK.
Hey, do me a favor.
What? Don't tell my wife and kids, OK? I mean, I could really use the break.
That's not a problem.
I've never met 'em.
Ma'am.
OK.
Tom's making a move on New York, so you get ahold of Governor Schnozzlestein right now, you tell him I want to see him tonight.
I'm not gonna let them take this from me.
- Hmm.
- OK? Go.
OK.
Can't say I blame you.
I mean, that Nutmeg State indefinable really turns my hydrant on.
The only difference is that I was the most exciting conquest of his life, and you just had the motel room closest to the ice machine.
I don't know what you're talking about, because I am the Senator's chief of staff Yeah, yeah, yeah, for now, but trust me, he will never see you as anything other than the TGI Friday's hostess on Proactiv who lets him bend you over his desk while you close your eyes to avoid coming face-to-face with that framed photo of his family's trip to Aspen while he drowns your Little Mermaid back tat in a pool of jizz and admires his own reflection.
- Jesus.
- Wow! I just hate to see smart women throw away their political careers on powerful men who only see them as the gash of least resistance.
Mmm.
I mean, you strike me as a smart woman.
Are you? Yeah, well New York is in the bag.
Congressman, - how do you take your coffee? - Decaf.
- Mnh-mnh.
- No? Oh.
Yup.
Here we go.
So Congressman, tell me something.
What can we offer up to the Montana delegation that would really dick-slap 'em? And I mean that in a good way, of course.
Get your fucking hands off me! Where is she?! You fucking monster! Excuse me for half a sec.
You soulless, conniving cunt! I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh! Unless it's this - right here? - The moment I began working for Senator James, his behavior was unprofessional in a sexual manner.
- Is that the problem? - Oh, fuck! Senator James took advantage of his power over me.
- He did what?! - I had to endure sex acts - that included - Yeah, it's so great.
- What did you offer her? - I didn't offer her anything.
I mean, I helped her with the wording.
- Oh, this - Shh! Shh! Look.
This is my favorite part right here, actually.
I was just this naive, innocent young woman who had dreams "Innocent young woman.
" That's hilarious, don't you think? But that girl doesn't exist anymore.
She's dead! - Murdered by Tom James.
- Oh, yeah.
That is actually all me.
I will take credit for that.
She didn't want to do it, but I was like, "You've got to!" My wife, my pregnant wife, is not answering the phone.
I am now a national fuckin' pariah! Why would you do this, Selina? I guess that the Tom James charm only goes so far with the ladies.
I mean, that's one theory, but Oh, listen, while I've got you.
Is it OK if I don't wave to you from the stage? Because with all of this, I need to keep my distance.
You understand that, right? Excuse me.
I'm so sorry for that little minor interruption.
What the fuck are you? Bye, Tom.
Toodle-oo.
So emotional, right? This is why we need a woman in office.
So? What else do we need to talk about? Federal lands.
They need to be protected.
- We need more drilling.
- For drilling purposes.
Let's frack the crap out of it.
Governor Calhoun, what do I have to do to get your support? President Meyer, I'm a simple man.
- I see that.
Oh, uh-huh.
- Of faith.
But after this bathroom incident That was just an accident.
Really.
Free to pee, you and me, right? Madam President, homosexuality is no laughing matter.
- OK.
- Pernicious.
Homosexuals are luring decent, God-fearing heterosexual men into sin and sweaty degradation.
Mmm.
You know, Buddy, I gotta tell you something.
It It happens, and - you can't beat yourself up about it.
- What? - Never mind.
I hear what you're saying.
- Let's move forward.
Yes.
Governor, I am prepared to offer you Secretary of Education.
Well, ma'am How 'bout that? As excited as I would be to remove dinosaur theory from the curriculum, I am just a little bit uneasy about all this Meyer Fund scuttlebutt I'll kill gay marriage.
In exchange for your support, I will raw-dog a plank right up our party's platform, and I will outlaw same-sex marriage.
Governor, can I get an amen? You can get an amen, and I'll throw in a hallelujah, - I love it.
- And my endorsement.
- Thank you, sir.
Wonderful! - Wow.
Wow.
Yeah! - I think we're buddies now, aren't we? - Oh, yeah, very much.
Can you be a buddy with someone of the opposite sex? Well, under certain circumstances.
Yeah, we are.
- So, Buddy up! - Buddy up! That's a great expression.
Thank you so, so much.
He is not just gay, he is Sam Rayburn gay.
Impressive negotiation, ma'am, but we are still approximately 662 votes short.
- I am well aware.
- Good.
Ma'am.
You wanted to see me? That's incorrect.
Ugh.
Not in that outfit.
But yeah, come on in.
Amy, um um I want to offer Jonah the V.
P.
slot.
- What? - Yeah.
It's the only move we have left now, and we're gonna have to get it done today.
Ma'am, there are still numerous permutations that can play out here.
You don't have to do this.
Do the goddamn Islamic math.
You're the numbers guy.
Fuck the numbers! I will not be part of a campaign, let alone an administration, that includes Jonah Ryan as vice president! That is an entirely unacceptable outcome.
Amy, you wanna talk some sense into him? - Don't do it.
- What? Don't make Jonah your V.
P.
Wow, you know what I just remembered? You are a terrible campaign manager.
Ma'am, you can't let an embittered, vindictive, narcissistic man-child be one heartbeat away from the presidency, let alone be the president.
There's no safer place to stick Jonah Ryan in all of Washington, D.
C.
Being vice president is like being declawed, defanged, neutered, ball-gagged, and sealed in an abandoned coal mine under two miles of human shit! It is a fate worse than death.
Besides, I'm not gonna die, 'cause I got the heart and the twat of a high school cheerleader who's only done anal! - I am begging you, please - Ma'am, entreating, - supplicating, beseeching - Think of Enough! I didn't come to North Carolina to lose.
I don't even like to change planes here.
Jonah Ryan is gonna be the vice president.
You got it? And that's final.
So get off your knees and cut out this melodramatic bullshit! Let's go.
- What's the rush? - Oh, hey-hey! You're my guy! OK, so I think we know why we are here.
Yes, ma'am.
- Yes, we do.
- I don't know why we are here.
Me neither.
But I love meeting new people.
She is offering you vice president, you monument to vaginal dryness.
Well, then, no.
I'm sorry? I said no.
As in never.
I will be president, or I will be nothing.
And in fact, if I don't get the nomination, I might run as a third party just to fuck your shit up.
Shut the fuck up, you gum-recessed face-anus! Don't you see you've just been offered the second-most powerful job in the world?! No, you shut up, Uncle Jeff! I will not let anyone speak to me like that.
- President or nothing? - Yeah! Are you kidding me? You cockless cockroach! You pile of failure shaped like a rapist! I am not shaped like a rapist! with my car, like I did in kindergarten! figure out what the fuck you were! with purpose and repetition! OK, fine! Jesus fuckin' Christ, I'll be vice president, just stop yelling at me! - All right, fine.
- Crisis is now averted.
- No.
I have one condition.
- Oh, shit.
- I want my best friend Richard - And your only friend.
I want Richard to be Secretary of farm shit.
We'll have to fire Dan.
Why do you want to fire him? Just as a way of saying sorry for yelling at you earlier.
You know, feminism.
That sounds great.
Fire Dan.
He sucks.
Mazel tov, Selina, mazel tov.
- Thank you, Sherman.
- When you have a sec, I want to talk to you about one of the biggest challenges facing the country - in the 21st century.
- Sure.
Tell me right now.
Casino licenses in Macao.
- Did you hear that, Keith? - I did.
OK, Macao.
How could you? Tell me that it is not true.
Catherine, I'm right in the middle of something.
Tell me that you did not just trade away same-sex marriage Can you believe I'm having to deal with this right now? - To get Buddy Calhoun's endorsement! - It is just the party platform.
It's like a to-do list of things we're not gonna do.
"Restore faith in democracy"? We couldn't do that even if we wanted to.
You cannot do this.
I will never forgive you.
If I had a dollar for every "Mother, I will never forgive you" - Bazillionaire.
- Correct.
Now listen, Mommy's got a lot of work to do right now.
I have to write the press release for my V.
P.
pick.
- There you go.
- Thank you very much.
- Why is Jonah helping you? - Started from the bottom, now we here.
Bwacka! Bwacka! Bwacka! - Oh, my God.
- Are you out of your fucking mind, Gram-Ma'am? Oh No.
Oh, my God.
OK.
I will never forgive you for this! - Mmm? Yep.
- Ka-ching.
I'm sorry about that, folks.
That's OK.
Cheers, ma'am.
And on this history-making 11th ballot, Jane, it looks like the convention will finally have its nominee.
Great state of North Carolina, the home of historically black Fayetteville State University and historically white Duke University, would like to yield to the great state of Maryland! Mr.
Chairman, I move that Selina Meyer be selected by this convention by acclimation as our nominee for President of the United States! All those in favor of nominating President Selena Meyer - by acclimation, say aye! - Aye! - All opposed, please say no! - No! The measure is adopted! We did it! I was three years old the first time my father put me on a horse, and I fell right off.
They say experience is the best teacher, and although my own daughter never learned to ride well, I've made it my mission in life to teach I waited a long time for this.
Yeah, but this Meyer Fund thing isn't going away.
It's stickier than a red wine-and-curry dump.
- Oh! - We can't have a damaged nominee.
I know.
Somebody's gonna go down for this, Selina.
Like myself on any traveling German businessman - at a Dubuque Radisson breakfast - Not now, Will! Read the room! Somebody's gotta go down for this.
I just said I know, Roger.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Look who I found.
Oh, hey, John.
Yeah, so I'm gonna take two more lines from your speech, OK? Here, OK? That's about me waking up in a hospital bed in Kabul after the IED attack.
I'm gonna tweak it.
And I'm sorry about the whole vice presidency thing, but I knew you'd understand.
Oh.
So you'll probably want to cut the line about you being the vice president.
Right? Yeah.
OK.
Let's go.
and pass it on to the next generation in spades.
Over the years I may have been thrown off a few times, but like my daddy taught me, you always get right back on Like America.
And now, to introduce our party's nominee - Right.
Break a leg.
- Oooh.
John DeVito of Ohio! Come on, come on.
It'd be faster just to lay down and roll.
Hello.
I'm John DeVito.
And like the soldiers I served with, I'm here to talk tonight about a woman who always keeps her word.
Are you ready for the Dubonnet? - Hey, Gary? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I need you to do something for me.
You got something in your teeth.
Hold on.
Oh.
Sorry.
Anyway, listen, it's kind of important, actually, - and I would also say - OK, yeah.
"Ahh.
" - that's it's not easy - OK.
Uh, and it's kinda also not fair.
You want coffee from across the street? - Uh - Yeah? Ah! I got it.
Little chia seed.
Nah, never mind.
Forget I ever said anything.
You look beautiful.
And you are a lifesaver.
Aww.
Oh, come on.
Yeah.
I couldn't have done it without ya.
You don't have to worry, I'm not going anywhere.
the next President of the United States of America, Selina Meyer! Thank you! Thank you! I am Selina Meyer, and I proudly accept your nomination for President of the United States of America! Even if it took a while! The journey that we begin tonight has been many, many years in the making, and it all started in Kabul.
Waking up in a hotel bed That DeVito's a helluva speechwriter.
Good evening, Mr.
Cafferty! You ready for your sponge bath? Call me Ben.
to make the world a safer, cleaner, better place! Yeah! So? What did we get? President Meyer offered me Secretary of Agriculture.
Yes, Richard! Secretary of Swag-riculture! Oh, my God.
Yes! I'm goin' back to Washington, baby! - But - No "buts," Richard.
For once in your life, don't think so much, just say yes.
- Yes.
- Good man.
But the "but" was: "But you have to fire Dan.
" - So I guess you're fired.
- What? Thanks for making this easy on me.
Ohhh.
I gotta get out of politics.
To be honest, I never thought you were really cut out for it, anyway.
Finally, I wanted to say a word about sacrifice.
It means to lose something for the greater good.
And when I look back on my 52 years, with almost 30 of them spent in public service - What's going on? - there is no one who has sacrificed more than me.
And there's nothing anyone can do to stop me from standing and walking for my country! Thank you, and God bless America! Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnny Ray Oh! God.
We got this.
- Oh.
We did it.
We did it.
- Yes.
We didn't start the fire It was always burning since the world's been turning We didn't start the fire No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it Little Rock, Pasternak, Mickey Mantle, Kerouac Sputnik, Chou En-lai - "Bridge on the River Kwai" - Wonderful! Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle California baseball Starkweather, homicide Children of thalidomide Ah-ahh! - Congratulations, ma'am.
- Thank you! We're going back to the White House! Congratulations to you, Amy! - Thank you! - You're gonna be Jonah's chief of staff.
- Huh? - I don't like the way you talked to me the other day.
Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- We didn't start the fire Yes! He's a super veep Super veep, he's super veepy Bowww Hi, Sue.
Sue, the Vice President would like a minute with the President.
The President told me to pencil you in to half-past.
Go fuck yourself.
- Sue, when I am President - You won't be.
- If you want to work for me - I don't.
Then I would start treating me with the respect that I deserve.
- I am.
- Sue, as Vice President of the United States, I order you to let me into the Oval Office! Goddamnit! I'm just gonna pop my head in.
Nice to see you, Amy.
Ma'am, Joint Chiefs are getting a little squirrely about Chinese tank movements - near the Tibetan border.
- What a bunch of pussies.
And we're expecting a call from the Israeli prime minister about the Palestinian food riots.
That reminds me, I'm starving.
Gary! Oh.
Ma'am, Gary doesn't work here.
I know.
Why are you telling me things that I already know? Sorry.
But I would be more than happy to get you something to eat.
What would you like? - You figure that out.
- OK.
Why am I coming up with solutions for you? That's your job, right? That's not my job.
Sorry, ma'am.
The level of incompetence in this office is just Ma'am, the Israeli prime minister is on line three.
David? Shalom.
So, what did the Palestinians do this time? David, I have to tell you, my daughter Catherine was exactly the same way A whiner.
Nyeh Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- What? - This is your speech for this afternoon.
Glasses.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, no, no, no.
Not you, David.
Yes.
Well, tell me, how can the United States help you? Good afternoon, I'm Michael McLintock, with live coverage of the funeral of Selina Meyer, America's first woman president.
While she may have only served one full term, Meyer is fondly remembered for briefly freeing what was once known as the nation of Tibet, as well as for permanently overturning same-sex marriage.
The former president passed away earlier this week at the age of 76 or possibly 77 or, according to some sources, 75.
After lying in state in the Capitol, her casket made the journey to her final resting place: the Selina Meyer Presidential Library at Smith College in Northampton, Massachusetts.
Among the dignitaries personally selected by Selina Meyer to sit in the front row are many former rivals in a Meyer-esque gesture of grace and good will.
Former President Laura Montez, the Dalai Lama, former Vice President Andrew Doyle, former two-term President Kemi Talbot, who will deliver her eulogy How does Mike have more hair than I do? Maybe because he has two testicles.
Montez looks good.
I'd still do her.
Count me in.
I didn't want to go to that stupid funeral anyway.
Then it's a good thing you got impeached, they didn't have to invite you.
- Catherine, you're missing it! - Coming! You know, Richard, there are few things in life more difficult than the loss of a parent.
Who wants margaritas? Ha! - Over here.
- What did I miss? The Presidential motorcade has arrived, and here comes President of the United States Richard Splett and the First Lady, Annette Splett, somber but elegant, basking in the glow of a landslide re-election following President Splett's historic three-state solution Middle East peace agreement, for which he won the Nobel Prize.
Amen.
We have 40 head of alpaca now, 17 on the way.
My daughter's stepping down from NASA to take over the ranch so I can focus on my watch-making.
We didn't have kids.
Best decision we ever made.
Best.
Best.
Our greyhounds are our kids.
Kent, do you still keep in touch with Ben's widow? - I forget her name.
- No.
Betcha Ben did too.
Amazing he hung on as long as he did, the fat fuck.
- Excuse me.
- Sorry.
- How long's it been, Ames? - Dan.
I think the last time I saw you, your wife was being born.
2019, yeah.
Oh, and by the way, if you guys ever want to buy or sell a piece of property in the Laguna Beach area, I'm your guy.
That's my cell.
You losers waitin' around to make sure she's actually dead while you sit in the back row suckin' on hard candies like what, Will? Uh I like jizz.
Ah, shit.
He ain't what he used to be.
Holy shit.
Ames.
Check it out.
I didn't think he'd show.
I heard she never visited him.
Just keep walking.
You'd hate the flowers.
But I I brought the Dubonnet.
And it looks like the soldiers are having a little trouble.
They're fumbling around the crypt, but they cannot seem to get it to respond in any way.
Typical.
But now they've got it and there she goes, sliding right in there.
We will have more coverage of the funeral of President Selina Meyer.
But first, as someone who served with President Meyer for over two decades, I feel I'd be remiss if I did not offer my own heartfelt eulogy to a president who many feel was very underrated and deserved m I'm sorry.
Breaking news.
I've just been told that four-time Academy Award- winning actor Tom Hanks has died at the age of 88.
The star of such Hollywood films as "Big," "Forrest Gump," "Philadelphia" and "Philadelphia 2" passed away in his Bel Air home after a long illness, surrounded by his loving family.
Husband of actress Rita Wilson and father of four children, Hanks was often considered the finest actor of his generation, an American everyman who could leap effortlessly between comedy and drama, and moved audiences both young and old.
Today the world mourns the loss of this towering and beloved figure.
Let's take a look at the storied career of Tom Hanks, American icon.
- No.
I just found out that math was created by Muslims.
Math teachers are terrorists! How about for once in your life, you stop complaining and just man up.
I've decided to suspend my campaign for President of the United States.
That bastard Ballentine caught shingles from Typhoid Jonah.
That makes you the governor of Iowa! - Ma'am.
- What? You are not going to believe it.
Tom James is fucking Michelle.
You can have Tibet.
What? What's going on here? I thought nobody gave two Osama bin Shits about the drone strike.
This is about killing elephants.
Is this gonna affect my numbers, you think? Yes.
OK! All right, ladies and gentlemen, the final votes for tonight.
Governor Calhoun, 420.
Congressman Ryan, 453.
Senator Talbot, 1,785.
- Boo! - President Meyer, 1,817.
No candidate has secured a delegate majority of 2,368, so we have no nominee.
- Did we win? - Oh, yeah.
I'm the president, and you're the first lady.
Oh, we would crush it.
And it seems we have ourselves a deadlocked convention, the first since 1952.
Senator Talbot has indeed made a miraculous comeback.
You know, it's worse having to hear it from Mike.
Furlong wants to see all the candidates for a late-night pow-wow.
- No offense, Marjorie.
- Some offense.
Mom, you need to tell the party that they never should have held the convention in North Carolina.
Their bathroom bill is an absolute disgrace.
Guys, who gives a shit where people shit? That is literally the point, Mother.
OK, then we agree.
Right? Shut.
Up.
We have to get in touch with all the floor whips.
We have to make sure our delegates hold.
- I'll whip the whips.
- You know, the Chinese are ready to fix this whole damn election if I can be the nominee.
- Not here.
Not hearing this.
- No, that is the plan.
- How ya doin' there, John? - Outstanding, ma'am.
That's my hero.
And keep on getting it out there that I plan on choosing Governor DeVito as my veep, 'cause we might get a few more delegates out of this.
Wounded warrior, Roman Catholic Oh, my God, is that still a thing? Two-time Ohio governor, 18 Electoral College votes.
Most importantly, he has a penis.
Right, Governor? I'm still with you, ma'am! Till the end, like we used to say back in Iraq.
- Might want to double-check that penis.
- That's Kent's job.
Mr.
Chairman, I would just like to point out that the official count cannot be trusted.
Oh, no, Beautiful Mindfuck.
You are not gonna desecrate my convention with more of this Muslim math nonsense.
How do you explain that when I add up my delegates - with Christian math - Amen! The number is quite different than the official total? Because you were born with three umbilical cords wrapped around your neck, - Hep C Kevin McHale.
- No, I wasn't.
- My apologies, Mr.
Chairman.
- Madam President.
What is Leon doing with her? Installing cameras in all her closets and bathrooms.
So, what did I miss? Did President Meyer find a way to steal the nomination from me like she stole South Carolina? Stealing South Carolina is the bedrock of our political system, Senator.
Well, there it is, that casual Meyer attitude towards criminal enterprise, just like her husband.
- Gary: Ex-husband.
- Step-husband.
If you can't figure out how to steal South Carolina, you have no business being president.
- Oh, is that how you feel? - Yes! Am I right? Hey! Hey! All right! Right now, every Sunday pundit and poli-sci major is treating this brokered convention like it's a big-titted college gymnast whose daddy fucked with her just enough that she'll do some dirty shit, but she can still cum.
Hittin' a little close to home there, Roger, minus the big-titted part.
We've never had a complaint, have we? But if we don't pillow-smother this sad grandma of a convention lickity-fuckin'-split, we are gonna wind up with four more years of Montez clogging up the White House plumbing with tampons.
- That's not a problem for us.
- It's fine.
Tomorrow is the second ballot, OK? None of these delegates are bound to any candidate anymore.
So it's time to get out there and start twisting some arms and pinching nipples.
And what else, Will? And may the best man win.
And may the hairiest man zip-tie me to a slaughterhouse drainage grate and make tender hate to my rear and mouth, in that order, at his leisure.
Ha ha! Beautiful.
Well done, pig.
Dismissed.
Selina, you got a minute? Roger, I don't want to hear it.
We need a ticket.
Just offer her veep.
You and Kemi scissoring at the top of the ticket is gonna make everyone rock hard.
I don't need her.
OK? I've got the diving bell and the governor.
- Come on.
- Just make the deal! Or what's gonna happen, Will? Aw, shit, Will left.
It was a good one.
- Sorry to miss that.
- Ma'am.
Oh, God.
Go away, Amy.
Really.
- Your voice is like a crow.
- But ma'am, I just want to No! There is no place for Jonah Ryan in my administration.
Or anywhere in the universe where the building blocks of life are present.
OK? I'll be right back.
- Uh, caballeros.
- Caballeros! - Do you wanna close the thing? - Nice try, Amy.
Ben, we've already got Florida, we've got a butt-load of delegates.
Your offer is as appealing as a Sriracha enema.
So fuck your offer, and fuck you.
- It's always good to see ya.
- You too.
I miss you guys.
- Keith, you havin' fun? - Yes, thank you.
Oh, thank you! Oh! I hope I can count on your support.
What are they clapping like that for? Congratulations, ma'am.
You just broke North Carolina's transgender bathroom law.
What? I've been fielding media requests all morning, Richard.
The keynote speech was such a hit.
New York Times? Krugman is positively creaming his khakis.
Amazing speech last night, Governor Splett.
Thank you.
What state are you a delegate from? - The Ukraine.
- A Wisconsin sister state.
Can I get a photo with you? - Sure.
- Absolutely not.
Thank you, though.
How 'bout I get one of you two? - Oh, yes.
- No, that's fine.
So sorry your wife couldn't make the convention, Congressman.
- We have to go.
- Good seeing you.
Enjoy the convention.
Morning, ma'am.
Some disturbing rumblings from Justice Oh, I'm sorry.
What? It's OK, Ben.
You've seen behind the curtain.
My source tells me that Kemi's been kicking up some dirt on the Meyer Fund.
- Oh, come Well, that's Leon.
- I don't know.
Why does everybody get good at their job after I fire them? - Lip time.
Let's do lips.
- No, no, no.
I want to save the Dubonnet for when I get the nomination.
OK? 'Cause it's discontinued.
I'm wearing this now.
There's a simple solution for this, OK? Just ask Kemi to be your veep.
I cannot stand her! And I don't say that about a lot of people.
Hmm Plus, she called me a criminal last night.
Kent and I were up all night doing the numbers In the words of the great Eleanor Roosevelt, I would rather cheese-grater my clit.
- So we'll put a pin in that.
- That too.
Morning.
Mom, you're a regular bathroom warrior.
- Oh, really? - We're very proud of you for standing up for the trans community.
Well, thank you, Peppermint Patty, but you're not a Oh, no, ma'am.
I'm a cis woman.
I mean, that's not a crazy question to ask.
Not at all.
You and your gay pals can make me the Grand Marshal of the next parade that you have that messes up all the traffic.
Actually, ma'am, it's a myth that lesbians and gay men have any natural affinity.
As a matter of fact, Gertrude Stein was physically disgusted by male homosexuals.
- Excuse me? - How'd she feel - about tedious lesbians? - Big fan, ma'am.
So how's the Piss Heard Round the World playing with all the delegates? The NYPD found a van full of explosives at Kennedy Airport.
This is why everyone should just fly private.
You've been completely knocked out of the news cycle.
- Oh, God.
- Ma'am, Governor DeVito is here to speak with you about his speech.
OK, great! Ha ha ha.
John-boy! - Ah.
- Johnny? Hmm.
Is he Ah! And there he is! - Governor DeVito.
- Yes.
My running mate.
Well, not literally, of course but Did you get a chance to review my nominating speech? I did, and I have to tell you SOMETHING: it is a delight.
- I wouldn't change a word.
Right, Ben? - Awesome.
Absolutely.
So I'm gonna actually talk to Kent about some numbers.
- Kent.
- The president, she loved your speech.
Especially the line "There are really three Americas.
" I'm so glad you responded to that.
She's gonna use that in her speech.
Pretend to talk to me about numbers.
The most compelling number to me is not a number at all, - it's a concept.
- I said pretend, OK? I was pretending.
My favorite number is Euler's number.
She's also gonna take the line "No matter what, I will always stand for America.
" - That's a reference to my leg.
- She'll tweak it.
So are we good, then? Everything cool? - Great.
All set.
- OK.
Fantastic.
Thank you so much for coming.
Really.
Honestly.
Bye-bye.
Take care.
So good seein' ya.
Take good care.
- Madam President.
- Yeah, yeah.
We're still good on the veep slot, right? Oh, yeah, hundred percent.
You're my veep.
- All right.
- Great.
See you soon.
I want to offer Buddy Calhoun veep.
- OK.
- 'Cause with his delegates and all that Bible-y B.
S.
, the rest of the delegates'll have to fall in line, and Kemi can go and suck lecture-circuit dick in hell.
And by "hell," I mean The Kennedy School.
- Hey, ma'am.
- Yeah.
The floor whips are picking up a rumor that Buddy is flirting with endorsing Kemi.
Oh, please.
Buddy's not flirting with anything that's not wearing a leather vest and a Nazi cap.
Hey, guys.
God created men's rooms and women's rooms, not "everyone rooms.
" I don't think Buddy's gonna be taking your veep slot.
I don't want to go into a bathroom and be next to a woman who is looking at my genitals.
I want that person that I'm next to to be a man, or, better yet, lots of men.
Glory, glory, hole-ellelujah.
Ma'am, if Governor Calhoun is joining forces with Kemi - We've gotta call Kemi right away.
- No! Not her! We're gonna call Amy, um - Brookheimer.
- Brookheimer.
What are you guys doing here? You here to see me get interviewed by Mike on CBS News? I wish, but I'm in a bit of a rush.
I've gotta go be interviewed by Mike on CBS.
Guess that means you've been bumped.
Although ABC News is doing a piece on presidential also-rans who can almost suck their own dicks.
So while you're in makeup, why don't you go talk to them? Ohh.
Like you've never tried.
I'm probably gonna need that mic.
You came to the convention as Governor Richard Splett of Iowa, but after your electrifying speech just two nights ago, party insiders are calling you Richard Splett, "future of the party.
" Honestly, I'm glad that what I said resonated with folks.
Plus, it gave me a chance to break out my ASL skills.
You know, for the deaf American delegates.
Yeah.
All right, let's talk turkey, Governor.
- Wonderful pets.
- What about all these rumors that Senator Talbot is talking to you about a position in her administration? When you listen to rumors, you rue more than Nope.
I don't know where I was going with that.
Works in sign language.
Very cagey.
Jane, back to you.
- All clear! - Thanks for having me.
Richard, that was fantastic.
Us Weekly wants to do a piece on you: 25 Things That No One Knows About You.
Well, number one is, I love lists.
- Oh, Dan! - Oh, hey, man.
- What kind of suit is that? - Hugo Boss? - What's wrong with this suit? - It's not network.
Hello, fellow Americans! - Ma'am.
You wanted to see me? - Ben.
Move.
Amy, we've been working together a really long time, it just occurred to me, and you've always been like - Daughter? - a sister to me.
More like a childless aunt.
I just thought for old times' sake I might throw you a bone.
Have Jonah instruct his delegates of Dr.
Moreau to back me on the second ballot tonight, and we might be able to find something for him at Ben? Where can he do the least amount of harm? EPA.
Perfect.
What is happening? - Was she always like this? - Oh, it used to be worse.
You haven't heard.
I haven't heard what, Amy? Oh, shit.
The suspect in the JFK bombing is one Mr.
Abdul Azeem, a high school mathematics teacher whose Facebook page is all about radical Islam - and trigonometry.
- So are a lot of people's.
Move.
Move! Azeem teaches seventh grade algebra and eighth grade trigonometry Jonah was right.
He was spectacularly right! And you know what that makes me, sister? - Spitty? - The campaign manager for the next President of the United States! So if you want to discuss potential opportunities for yourself in the Ryan administration, maybe I'll throw you a bone.
Ma'am this is bad.
I know.
Do you want me to take care of Amy? For the last year I have been crisscrossing the country, warning America about the threat of math to our way of life.
- Yeah! - Which is why, President Meyer, Senator Talbot, and Governor Calhoun, I have something to say to you: I told you so! - He told you so! - Yeah! Oh, hey, do you remember my five-alarm hottie of a wife Beth? She just got out of rehab today.
Yeah! And plus, while she was in there, she dropped a couple pounds in all the right places, so she's hella even hotter than she was before.
- Kill her! - Yeah! I mean, not her, man, but yeah, sure.
Look, I love America, but it is time to face facts.
This is a horrific country that is falling apart because it is full of people who are different than me.
I was right! And that means I should be president! Thank you! Thank you! That is 34 more delegates from Selina and 17 from Kemi.
- We have Florida - That's right, guys, next stop, the White House, and then it's payback time! - Mom! - Hi, Clay! - She's out? - Oh no, I'm all better.
- Hi, Beth.
- Hi, Amber.
We just got denounced by the ACLU.
We are going to win this thing! - Yes! - Jonie, my boy! - Fuck me! - We did it! Ever since you were little, I've been telling your mom, "Someday that beautiful, brilliant boy of yours is gonna do great things!" I thought you told my mom to sell me to a child molester and use the money to get her tubes tied.
Eh, we're family.
Come here, you! You know, the Jews have a word for this feeling I'm having right now.
I can't remember it sounds like three Germans cumming real hard inside something that doesn't want them to.
Oh, Jewish is such a beautiful language.
That's not the only reason I'm here.
I come bearing gifts! New Hampshire's 27 delegates are yours! Oh, thank you, Uncle Jeff! Get me Vermont.
- I think I can sweet-talk them.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, Jeff Kane.
Who am I speaking with? Ah.
How's your dad? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
OK, shut the fuck up! Listen, you Subaru-driving bull dykes! You better back Jonah on the next ballot or you will be leaf-peeping from inside your own maple syrup-soaked assholes! I'll give 'em five minutes, then I'll hit 'em with Bad Cop.
They're calling it Ryan Fever.
The former congressman's message is finding a new audience Assemblyman, I have been to Buffalo six times, and I'm not even a serial killer.
So I OK, forget it.
- Ma'am.
Ma'am.
- What? What? The captain of the Texas delegation says that all of his bum steers are stampeding towards Jonah! We cannot lose Texas.
Texas is our firewall! Listen, Ben, you gotta go back to Texas right now, OK? And just tell 'em they can violate me with their assault rifles and a full slab of ribs on top of a stack of slavery-free history textbooks.
You gotta go do that, Ben.
- Go do that right now.
- Texas is our firewall.
- Yeah, do it.
- Ma'am.
Ma'am.
- Yeah, what is it? - You need to see this.
We never got proper answers about the Meyer Fund or its many foreign donors.
- This is Leon.
- That is why I've asked the Justice Department and the FBI - to reopen its investigation.
- Oh, my God.
The president was in close contact with her husband Andrew Meyer The FBI? Up until his extremely suspicious death.
Why is this so hard? I just wanna be president.
Do you want six almonds? No! This, Kent, is why I was right not to offer her veep.
- She's the worst.
- Yeah.
Ma'am, all due respect, maybe you should consider being her veep? That's not fucking funny, Kent.
I haven't been funny since 1987.
- Ma'am? Um - What? Adios, New Mexico.
Ohh.
Hey, Ben.
- Out of my way.
- Sorry.
- Jesus.
- At least he's getting some exercise.
Oh, yes! Politico's reporting that Jonah's talking to you about the Secretary of Commerce.
I wish.
Sounds much better than the conversation we were having about why his urine is pink.
We ruled out beets because he doesn't know what those are.
Then had to rule it right back in for the same reason.
Richard, look, there was no offer, OK? It was me, all right? I pulled that turd out of my ass, covered it in ketchup, and Politico asked for seconds.
You could've ended that sentence at "me.
" One thing is clear after this runaway-Ferris wheel of a convention, and that's that Montez is gonna be president for another four years.
Well, makes sense.
She made me proud to be an American again.
OK, but after that, it's Splett Time.
We can't call it that unless we want to get sued by my uncle's podcast.
No, Senator, this whole Meyer Fund story is a distraction, sir, the way a magician does tricks to distract you from how depressing his life is.
- And I I'll call you back.
- Ah Ah - So what'd you find out? - Ahm Ahmj - What? - Ajai Ajai "Ajai"? Oh, my God! He's having a heart attack! - Eighth time's a charm.
- Oh, my God! Stay here with us, Ben! I don't know the names of any of the floor whips.
We need EMTs up at the Meyer box, stat.
White male, type 2 diabetes also type 1.
Ma'am, there's something happening out on the floor you need to see.
I'm gonna roll you over, Ben.
No, no! No.
- What? - Just look down there.
Draft Tom James! You know, I just want to say, I was roadkill on the side of the political highway.
One of the nice things about being dead is, it gives you time to think.
Also, fewer telemarketers.
But I thought, and I thought that I don't like the direction our party is taking.
Maybe the reason we can't find a nominee is, everyone's just saying the same-old same-old.
- Run, Tom, run! - Run, Tom, run! Run What do you think I'm trying to do? Powerful words from Tom James.
Let's go now to Michael McLintock on the convention floor with Senator Tom James, whose potential Hail Mary is gaining steam.
I'm reading the wrong card.
Many now say Tom James is the only answer they'll accept as the brokered convention drags on.
I honestly think I might be in hell.
No such place, ma'am.
The concept of hell is a cultural memory of pre-Mosaic child sacrifice among proto-Judean peoples.
You're making a strong case for hell.
Tom played it perfectly.
He'll clinch the nomination on tomorrow night's ballot.
Knock, knock.
Take State.
Senator.
Here to rub it in, Tom? No rubbing.
Gary.
Get.
No, I just came by to see how Ben was.
My first congressional race.
Ben can't have been more than 140 years old.
He ran the other guy, wiped the floor with me.
They may have to put him in a medically induced coma, so It's what he always wanted.
All right, let's go.
Start your gloating, make whatever insulting offer it is you're gonna make.
I didn't come here to make an offer.
I don't have the patience for this.
And I'm certainly not gonna beg.
I'm not asking you to beg.
There's nothing to beg for.
You don't have a political future, Selina.
That is your punishment.
Punishment? What are you talking about? I have people who like me, lots of people with signs, "New Selina Now" That is working.
That The party, and the nation, will never forget all that "door" you pushed open Yes backwards and in heels.
Hang in there.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Hold on.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Please, come on.
If Tom, when we're not the worst team ever, we make a really good team! Please! Oh.
Madam President.
Senator, the New York delegation is on the phone.
Well, it's been fun.
Let's do this again at Ben's next cardiopulmonary event.
I'll wave at you from the stage.
Yeah, well, that was gloating.
- A little bit.
- Yeah.
Wipe that grin-eating dick off your face.
Oh.
I could use a drink.
Yeah.
Me too.
Phew.
Tom James.
Kent says he'll take it on tomorrow night's ballot.
I think this is it for me, too.
Oh, no.
You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna be good as new, and then we'll figure out my next move.
I've had a dozen heart attacks, and if I play my cards right, I'll have a dozen more, but I think this is my last rodeo.
No, Ben! You're my hatchet man.
You're the hatchet man.
I need you.
How can I do this without you? Don't be an idiot, Selina.
You know exactly what to do.
No.
Yeah.
Yeah.
OK.
Hey, do me a favor.
What? Don't tell my wife and kids, OK? I mean, I could really use the break.
That's not a problem.
I've never met 'em.
Ma'am.
OK.
Tom's making a move on New York, so you get ahold of Governor Schnozzlestein right now, you tell him I want to see him tonight.
I'm not gonna let them take this from me.
- Hmm.
- OK? Go.
OK.
Can't say I blame you.
I mean, that Nutmeg State indefinable really turns my hydrant on.
The only difference is that I was the most exciting conquest of his life, and you just had the motel room closest to the ice machine.
I don't know what you're talking about, because I am the Senator's chief of staff Yeah, yeah, yeah, for now, but trust me, he will never see you as anything other than the TGI Friday's hostess on Proactiv who lets him bend you over his desk while you close your eyes to avoid coming face-to-face with that framed photo of his family's trip to Aspen while he drowns your Little Mermaid back tat in a pool of jizz and admires his own reflection.
- Jesus.
- Wow! I just hate to see smart women throw away their political careers on powerful men who only see them as the gash of least resistance.
Mmm.
I mean, you strike me as a smart woman.
Are you? Yeah, well New York is in the bag.
Congressman, - how do you take your coffee? - Decaf.
- Mnh-mnh.
- No? Oh.
Yup.
Here we go.
So Congressman, tell me something.
What can we offer up to the Montana delegation that would really dick-slap 'em? And I mean that in a good way, of course.
Get your fucking hands off me! Where is she?! You fucking monster! Excuse me for half a sec.
You soulless, conniving cunt! I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh! Unless it's this - right here? - The moment I began working for Senator James, his behavior was unprofessional in a sexual manner.
- Is that the problem? - Oh, fuck! Senator James took advantage of his power over me.
- He did what?! - I had to endure sex acts - that included - Yeah, it's so great.
- What did you offer her? - I didn't offer her anything.
I mean, I helped her with the wording.
- Oh, this - Shh! Shh! Look.
This is my favorite part right here, actually.
I was just this naive, innocent young woman who had dreams "Innocent young woman.
" That's hilarious, don't you think? But that girl doesn't exist anymore.
She's dead! - Murdered by Tom James.
- Oh, yeah.
That is actually all me.
I will take credit for that.
She didn't want to do it, but I was like, "You've got to!" My wife, my pregnant wife, is not answering the phone.
I am now a national fuckin' pariah! Why would you do this, Selina? I guess that the Tom James charm only goes so far with the ladies.
I mean, that's one theory, but Oh, listen, while I've got you.
Is it OK if I don't wave to you from the stage? Because with all of this, I need to keep my distance.
You understand that, right? Excuse me.
I'm so sorry for that little minor interruption.
What the fuck are you? Bye, Tom.
Toodle-oo.
So emotional, right? This is why we need a woman in office.
So? What else do we need to talk about? Federal lands.
They need to be protected.
- We need more drilling.
- For drilling purposes.
Let's frack the crap out of it.
Governor Calhoun, what do I have to do to get your support? President Meyer, I'm a simple man.
- I see that.
Oh, uh-huh.
- Of faith.
But after this bathroom incident That was just an accident.
Really.
Free to pee, you and me, right? Madam President, homosexuality is no laughing matter.
- OK.
- Pernicious.
Homosexuals are luring decent, God-fearing heterosexual men into sin and sweaty degradation.
Mmm.
You know, Buddy, I gotta tell you something.
It It happens, and - you can't beat yourself up about it.
- What? - Never mind.
I hear what you're saying.
- Let's move forward.
Yes.
Governor, I am prepared to offer you Secretary of Education.
Well, ma'am How 'bout that? As excited as I would be to remove dinosaur theory from the curriculum, I am just a little bit uneasy about all this Meyer Fund scuttlebutt I'll kill gay marriage.
In exchange for your support, I will raw-dog a plank right up our party's platform, and I will outlaw same-sex marriage.
Governor, can I get an amen? You can get an amen, and I'll throw in a hallelujah, - I love it.
- And my endorsement.
- Thank you, sir.
Wonderful! - Wow.
Wow.
Yeah! - I think we're buddies now, aren't we? - Oh, yeah, very much.
Can you be a buddy with someone of the opposite sex? Well, under certain circumstances.
Yeah, we are.
- So, Buddy up! - Buddy up! That's a great expression.
Thank you so, so much.
He is not just gay, he is Sam Rayburn gay.
Impressive negotiation, ma'am, but we are still approximately 662 votes short.
- I am well aware.
- Good.
Ma'am.
You wanted to see me? That's incorrect.
Ugh.
Not in that outfit.
But yeah, come on in.
Amy, um um I want to offer Jonah the V.
P.
slot.
- What? - Yeah.
It's the only move we have left now, and we're gonna have to get it done today.
Ma'am, there are still numerous permutations that can play out here.
You don't have to do this.
Do the goddamn Islamic math.
You're the numbers guy.
Fuck the numbers! I will not be part of a campaign, let alone an administration, that includes Jonah Ryan as vice president! That is an entirely unacceptable outcome.
Amy, you wanna talk some sense into him? - Don't do it.
- What? Don't make Jonah your V.
P.
Wow, you know what I just remembered? You are a terrible campaign manager.
Ma'am, you can't let an embittered, vindictive, narcissistic man-child be one heartbeat away from the presidency, let alone be the president.
There's no safer place to stick Jonah Ryan in all of Washington, D.
C.
Being vice president is like being declawed, defanged, neutered, ball-gagged, and sealed in an abandoned coal mine under two miles of human shit! It is a fate worse than death.
Besides, I'm not gonna die, 'cause I got the heart and the twat of a high school cheerleader who's only done anal! - I am begging you, please - Ma'am, entreating, - supplicating, beseeching - Think of Enough! I didn't come to North Carolina to lose.
I don't even like to change planes here.
Jonah Ryan is gonna be the vice president.
You got it? And that's final.
So get off your knees and cut out this melodramatic bullshit! Let's go.
- What's the rush? - Oh, hey-hey! You're my guy! OK, so I think we know why we are here.
Yes, ma'am.
- Yes, we do.
- I don't know why we are here.
Me neither.
But I love meeting new people.
She is offering you vice president, you monument to vaginal dryness.
Well, then, no.
I'm sorry? I said no.
As in never.
I will be president, or I will be nothing.
And in fact, if I don't get the nomination, I might run as a third party just to fuck your shit up.
Shut the fuck up, you gum-recessed face-anus! Don't you see you've just been offered the second-most powerful job in the world?! No, you shut up, Uncle Jeff! I will not let anyone speak to me like that.
- President or nothing? - Yeah! Are you kidding me? You cockless cockroach! You pile of failure shaped like a rapist! I am not shaped like a rapist! with my car, like I did in kindergarten! figure out what the fuck you were! with purpose and repetition! OK, fine! Jesus fuckin' Christ, I'll be vice president, just stop yelling at me! - All right, fine.
- Crisis is now averted.
- No.
I have one condition.
- Oh, shit.
- I want my best friend Richard - And your only friend.
I want Richard to be Secretary of farm shit.
We'll have to fire Dan.
Why do you want to fire him? Just as a way of saying sorry for yelling at you earlier.
You know, feminism.
That sounds great.
Fire Dan.
He sucks.
Mazel tov, Selina, mazel tov.
- Thank you, Sherman.
- When you have a sec, I want to talk to you about one of the biggest challenges facing the country - in the 21st century.
- Sure.
Tell me right now.
Casino licenses in Macao.
- Did you hear that, Keith? - I did.
OK, Macao.
How could you? Tell me that it is not true.
Catherine, I'm right in the middle of something.
Tell me that you did not just trade away same-sex marriage Can you believe I'm having to deal with this right now? - To get Buddy Calhoun's endorsement! - It is just the party platform.
It's like a to-do list of things we're not gonna do.
"Restore faith in democracy"? We couldn't do that even if we wanted to.
You cannot do this.
I will never forgive you.
If I had a dollar for every "Mother, I will never forgive you" - Bazillionaire.
- Correct.
Now listen, Mommy's got a lot of work to do right now.
I have to write the press release for my V.
P.
pick.
- There you go.
- Thank you very much.
- Why is Jonah helping you? - Started from the bottom, now we here.
Bwacka! Bwacka! Bwacka! - Oh, my God.
- Are you out of your fucking mind, Gram-Ma'am? Oh No.
Oh, my God.
OK.
I will never forgive you for this! - Mmm? Yep.
- Ka-ching.
I'm sorry about that, folks.
That's OK.
Cheers, ma'am.
And on this history-making 11th ballot, Jane, it looks like the convention will finally have its nominee.
Great state of North Carolina, the home of historically black Fayetteville State University and historically white Duke University, would like to yield to the great state of Maryland! Mr.
Chairman, I move that Selina Meyer be selected by this convention by acclimation as our nominee for President of the United States! All those in favor of nominating President Selena Meyer - by acclimation, say aye! - Aye! - All opposed, please say no! - No! The measure is adopted! We did it! I was three years old the first time my father put me on a horse, and I fell right off.
They say experience is the best teacher, and although my own daughter never learned to ride well, I've made it my mission in life to teach I waited a long time for this.
Yeah, but this Meyer Fund thing isn't going away.
It's stickier than a red wine-and-curry dump.
- Oh! - We can't have a damaged nominee.
I know.
Somebody's gonna go down for this, Selina.
Like myself on any traveling German businessman - at a Dubuque Radisson breakfast - Not now, Will! Read the room! Somebody's gotta go down for this.
I just said I know, Roger.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Look who I found.
Oh, hey, John.
Yeah, so I'm gonna take two more lines from your speech, OK? Here, OK? That's about me waking up in a hospital bed in Kabul after the IED attack.
I'm gonna tweak it.
And I'm sorry about the whole vice presidency thing, but I knew you'd understand.
Oh.
So you'll probably want to cut the line about you being the vice president.
Right? Yeah.
OK.
Let's go.
and pass it on to the next generation in spades.
Over the years I may have been thrown off a few times, but like my daddy taught me, you always get right back on Like America.
And now, to introduce our party's nominee - Right.
Break a leg.
- Oooh.
John DeVito of Ohio! Come on, come on.
It'd be faster just to lay down and roll.
Hello.
I'm John DeVito.
And like the soldiers I served with, I'm here to talk tonight about a woman who always keeps her word.
Are you ready for the Dubonnet? - Hey, Gary? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I need you to do something for me.
You got something in your teeth.
Hold on.
Oh.
Sorry.
Anyway, listen, it's kind of important, actually, - and I would also say - OK, yeah.
"Ahh.
" - that's it's not easy - OK.
Uh, and it's kinda also not fair.
You want coffee from across the street? - Uh - Yeah? Ah! I got it.
Little chia seed.
Nah, never mind.
Forget I ever said anything.
You look beautiful.
And you are a lifesaver.
Aww.
Oh, come on.
Yeah.
I couldn't have done it without ya.
You don't have to worry, I'm not going anywhere.
the next President of the United States of America, Selina Meyer! Thank you! Thank you! I am Selina Meyer, and I proudly accept your nomination for President of the United States of America! Even if it took a while! The journey that we begin tonight has been many, many years in the making, and it all started in Kabul.
Waking up in a hotel bed That DeVito's a helluva speechwriter.
Good evening, Mr.
Cafferty! You ready for your sponge bath? Call me Ben.
to make the world a safer, cleaner, better place! Yeah! So? What did we get? President Meyer offered me Secretary of Agriculture.
Yes, Richard! Secretary of Swag-riculture! Oh, my God.
Yes! I'm goin' back to Washington, baby! - But - No "buts," Richard.
For once in your life, don't think so much, just say yes.
- Yes.
- Good man.
But the "but" was: "But you have to fire Dan.
" - So I guess you're fired.
- What? Thanks for making this easy on me.
Ohhh.
I gotta get out of politics.
To be honest, I never thought you were really cut out for it, anyway.
Finally, I wanted to say a word about sacrifice.
It means to lose something for the greater good.
And when I look back on my 52 years, with almost 30 of them spent in public service - What's going on? - there is no one who has sacrificed more than me.
And there's nothing anyone can do to stop me from standing and walking for my country! Thank you, and God bless America! Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnny Ray Oh! God.
We got this.
- Oh.
We did it.
We did it.
- Yes.
We didn't start the fire It was always burning since the world's been turning We didn't start the fire No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it Little Rock, Pasternak, Mickey Mantle, Kerouac Sputnik, Chou En-lai - "Bridge on the River Kwai" - Wonderful! Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle California baseball Starkweather, homicide Children of thalidomide Ah-ahh! - Congratulations, ma'am.
- Thank you! We're going back to the White House! Congratulations to you, Amy! - Thank you! - You're gonna be Jonah's chief of staff.
- Huh? - I don't like the way you talked to me the other day.
Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- We didn't start the fire Yes! He's a super veep Super veep, he's super veepy Bowww Hi, Sue.
Sue, the Vice President would like a minute with the President.
The President told me to pencil you in to half-past.
Go fuck yourself.
- Sue, when I am President - You won't be.
- If you want to work for me - I don't.
Then I would start treating me with the respect that I deserve.
- I am.
- Sue, as Vice President of the United States, I order you to let me into the Oval Office! Goddamnit! I'm just gonna pop my head in.
Nice to see you, Amy.
Ma'am, Joint Chiefs are getting a little squirrely about Chinese tank movements - near the Tibetan border.
- What a bunch of pussies.
And we're expecting a call from the Israeli prime minister about the Palestinian food riots.
That reminds me, I'm starving.
Gary! Oh.
Ma'am, Gary doesn't work here.
I know.
Why are you telling me things that I already know? Sorry.
But I would be more than happy to get you something to eat.
What would you like? - You figure that out.
- OK.
Why am I coming up with solutions for you? That's your job, right? That's not my job.
Sorry, ma'am.
The level of incompetence in this office is just Ma'am, the Israeli prime minister is on line three.
David? Shalom.
So, what did the Palestinians do this time? David, I have to tell you, my daughter Catherine was exactly the same way A whiner.
Nyeh Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- What? - This is your speech for this afternoon.
Glasses.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, no, no, no.
Not you, David.
Yes.
Well, tell me, how can the United States help you? Good afternoon, I'm Michael McLintock, with live coverage of the funeral of Selina Meyer, America's first woman president.
While she may have only served one full term, Meyer is fondly remembered for briefly freeing what was once known as the nation of Tibet, as well as for permanently overturning same-sex marriage.
The former president passed away earlier this week at the age of 76 or possibly 77 or, according to some sources, 75.
After lying in state in the Capitol, her casket made the journey to her final resting place: the Selina Meyer Presidential Library at Smith College in Northampton, Massachusetts.
Among the dignitaries personally selected by Selina Meyer to sit in the front row are many former rivals in a Meyer-esque gesture of grace and good will.
Former President Laura Montez, the Dalai Lama, former Vice President Andrew Doyle, former two-term President Kemi Talbot, who will deliver her eulogy How does Mike have more hair than I do? Maybe because he has two testicles.
Montez looks good.
I'd still do her.
Count me in.
I didn't want to go to that stupid funeral anyway.
Then it's a good thing you got impeached, they didn't have to invite you.
- Catherine, you're missing it! - Coming! You know, Richard, there are few things in life more difficult than the loss of a parent.
Who wants margaritas? Ha! - Over here.
- What did I miss? The Presidential motorcade has arrived, and here comes President of the United States Richard Splett and the First Lady, Annette Splett, somber but elegant, basking in the glow of a landslide re-election following President Splett's historic three-state solution Middle East peace agreement, for which he won the Nobel Prize.
Amen.
We have 40 head of alpaca now, 17 on the way.
My daughter's stepping down from NASA to take over the ranch so I can focus on my watch-making.
We didn't have kids.
Best decision we ever made.
Best.
Best.
Our greyhounds are our kids.
Kent, do you still keep in touch with Ben's widow? - I forget her name.
- No.
Betcha Ben did too.
Amazing he hung on as long as he did, the fat fuck.
- Excuse me.
- Sorry.
- How long's it been, Ames? - Dan.
I think the last time I saw you, your wife was being born.
2019, yeah.
Oh, and by the way, if you guys ever want to buy or sell a piece of property in the Laguna Beach area, I'm your guy.
That's my cell.
You losers waitin' around to make sure she's actually dead while you sit in the back row suckin' on hard candies like what, Will? Uh I like jizz.
Ah, shit.
He ain't what he used to be.
Holy shit.
Ames.
Check it out.
I didn't think he'd show.
I heard she never visited him.
Just keep walking.
You'd hate the flowers.
But I I brought the Dubonnet.
And it looks like the soldiers are having a little trouble.
They're fumbling around the crypt, but they cannot seem to get it to respond in any way.
Typical.
But now they've got it and there she goes, sliding right in there.
We will have more coverage of the funeral of President Selina Meyer.
But first, as someone who served with President Meyer for over two decades, I feel I'd be remiss if I did not offer my own heartfelt eulogy to a president who many feel was very underrated and deserved m I'm sorry.
Breaking news.
I've just been told that four-time Academy Award- winning actor Tom Hanks has died at the age of 88.
The star of such Hollywood films as "Big," "Forrest Gump," "Philadelphia" and "Philadelphia 2" passed away in his Bel Air home after a long illness, surrounded by his loving family.
Husband of actress Rita Wilson and father of four children, Hanks was often considered the finest actor of his generation, an American everyman who could leap effortlessly between comedy and drama, and moved audiences both young and old.
Today the world mourns the loss of this towering and beloved figure.
Let's take a look at the storied career of Tom Hanks, American icon.