Workaholics s07e07 Episode Script
Tactona 420
1 [all imitating gunfire.]
I wish this was real.
I wish this were - Flamethrower aah.
- Real life aah! Hey, you know what? Knock it off, you jagoffs.
I'm over it.
Every freakin' day.
All right.
Good morning, everyone.
- Morning.
- Well, as you can see, I have some good news for you.
Looks like the Traxxas remote-control cars came in.
- Whoo! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! - Yes! There's something else you have to pitch this year.
Each car comes with a virtual-reality headset now.
This is hooked up to some camera that's on the dashboard, so you get, like, I don't know, a car's-eye view or some shit.
Oh, my God.
So we actually get to be, like, the car from the movie "Cars.
" That's awesome I call Larry the Cable Guy.
- Owen Wilson.
- Bonnie Hunt! Bonnie Hunt.
Whatever.
Fine.
Okay, I'm gonna be out of the office for the rest of the day.
I'm actually going to a business lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe Universal CityWalk, so grab these leads, Stretch, and hey, if you have a problem, some of you have my cell phone number, but don't ever call it.
- Do you have her cell phone? - No.
So, the Tactona 420 is back.
- Whoo! Whoo! - Yes! All right.
Winner of the race gets this entire folder of leads to themselves and the windfall of commissions that come with it.
Yeah, well, everybody calm down, 'cause I think we know that the winner is gonna be me, just like every year.
Y'all ain't shit.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late to the meeting.
- Oh, God.
- What? - Jillian, your - Oh, this.
Yeah, I was dying my hair with cranberry juice in the bathroom, but one of the bottles broke and spilled all over me.
- Oh.
- But then Helen, that old janitor lady Uhhuh.
Slipped in the puddle and fell right onto the glass.
She cut a major artery.
She was pulling at me and just grabbing me and screaming.
She was like, "Aah! Aah!" God, that story is so boring.
I'm falling asleep myself.
You have got to smell my shirt.
[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box".]
- Yo, Blazer.
- [clears throat.]
Did you check out the VR goggles yet? Because I put a camera on the car Yo, guys, did you check out our new mascot yet? Nipples! He's a rescue.
He was gonna be eaten at the pet store by a snapping turtle, but I saved him, and now he's our mascot.
Oh, you dum-dum.
'Cause turtles don't eat mice.
They eat pizza, and I think you know that.
You've seen all of those films.
Bill is actually a really good driver, and if we want to beat him, we need to prepare to win.
So we can get the commission moneyn so we can afford the knucklepuck that Karl stole from Kenan Thompson's house.
Shh! No.
Okay, yes, we know that Karl has a successful maid business, but you can't go yelling about how he's stealing things from his celebrity clients.
Look, I don't care how he got it, okay? All I know is that he has an authentic knucklepuck from "D2: The Mighty Ducks" in his possession.
Would you guys stop stressing? We've got this, all right? I'm a great driver.
We're a great team.
- That's right.
- Here.
Check out the embroidery on those bad boys.
- "Blake's Boys"? - Yep.
Dude, we're a team.
It shouldn't say "Blake's Boys.
" It should say "Blake's Team.
" No, not "Blake's Team.
" Just, it should say Idiot.
Blake, the whole personality thing needs to be clicked off.
Yep.
How about you simmer down now? Why would I simmer down when I spend my whole life being an underdog? I want to turn it up to a boil, 'cause I'm gonna be doing a lot of hotdogging.
Where'd you get that hot dog from? From the coffee pot.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
If you're having a bad day let's say you ruined your favorite shirt or you're waiting to find out if you killed your coworker well, let me tell you, there's nothing like a little bleach pen and some racing to take your mind off of all of that.
Welcome to the Tactona 420 preliminary qualifying race the Tactona 69.
No sign of the dudes.
My trash talking must've scared 'em off.
Damn right, it did.
Get these leads, Bill! [anthemic rock music.]
Sorry.
Yeah, you [bleep.]
better be, you bald piece of shit! Whoa.
I'm really sorry.
That was really hurtful.
I'm gonna just win the race, okay? - Drivers to the starting line.
- All right, Blake.
The car is juiced and ready to get loose.
It's finely tuned.
And it's you got a speech or something? I have a speech better than that one.
You ready to get fully hyped, my brother? You got to make sure they're turned on.
- Oh, yeah.
- Are they turned on? - I was saying, "Are you ready?" - Wh-Oh, yeah.
say? - Okay.
- Pssh, are you kidding me? - Yeah? - I was born ready.
- Cool.
- Actually, I was born red.
Yeah, my mom, she had a yeast infection when she had me I got this terrible rash.
- Okay.
- Ready? No.
No.
Hey, I'm ready! - Okay, goggles on.
- Set.
Go! Oh.
Diane's car's taken out, so one less car to worry about.
Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-da-da-da-da-dum Ba-dum, ba-dum Whoo! Got a little pit stop.
No pit stop.
[Adam continues singing.]
Watch me get some air right here.
All: Whoo! Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum Ba-da-da-da-da-da You're doing great, Blake.
Okay, you're seven laps ahead of the pack.
Just ten more laps to go, okay, buddy? All these laps.
Not one pit stop.
- That's okay.
- I mean, we're here to help.
So feel free to pull over so I can fix your brakes, which are probably shot.
Yeah, we just need to take it nice and easy.
This is just to get pole position for Tactona.
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna take it nice and easy, all right.
I'm gonna take a nice and easy hot dog.
Why did the car stop? Where'd you get that hot dog? Dude, we've got one lap to go, man.
What did we talk to you about hotdogging about, huh? You told me not to do it, and you told me it was reckless, but what you didn't remember is today isn't opposite day.
It's not moving.
What's he up to? His car died.
I don't know.
Just punch it, Bill.
Beat this bitch! Just take us home.
Blake? Both: What are you doing? Okay, bud.
Time for your victory lap.
There you go.
- What Blake, are you crazy? - Let's go.
[laughs.]
All right! Let's go! Now they're only two laps behind.
All right? Blake, just go faster.
They're right behind you! You got this, Bill! Get 'em! Oh, what, you guys think you're gonna catch me? I don't think so.
Punch it, Nipples! Yes, we've got a winner! - Your brakes! - Stop! Stop! All: Oh! Damn! That mouse went kersplat! Nipples! Ow! - Oh, oh, shit! - What? Oh, my God.
He broke my hand.
- No, you're just - No, I don't even know if I touched your hand.
- You're doing this.
- Nipps! Nipples! [whimpering.]
No! No! Oh, yeah.
That is very smushed.
It's a smushed rat.
How about we just put this behind us like that time I hit that homeless man with my scooter? Yeah.
And just focus on the finals, right? - The finals? - Yep.
You want me to race in the finals.
Mm-hmm.
I'm never racing again! Wow, he is being a real sensitive bitch, isn't he? Yeah.
Yeah.
- What are we gonna do? - What? I said, "What a sensitive" I said, "What a sensitive bitch.
" - Oh, total bitch, yeah.
- Yeah.
One of us is gonna have to race.
- Yep, you're right.
- What are you talking about? The knucklepuck is on the line, and I'm the best shot at beating Bill.
I know the car inside and out.
All I know is support staff helps and winners win.
Okay.
You want to know who's a winner? Then maybe we should both race and let Tactona decide.
[grunts.]
You might be standard issue now, but I'm gonna give you a new battery nice and low to the ground and a slick new body that's gonna make you the most aerodynamic car that Tactona's ever seen.
[sensual jazz music.]
- Where's your shirt? - Jesus, Ghostman.
Got a little warm working on my Tactona car because Blake quit and Adam's just an idiot, so it's up to me to win.
You know, I used to be a race car driver.
Whoa, that's cool.
You help me with a lady, I'll help you with Tactona 420.
You got a deal.
Let's get down to it.
What are you gonna be wearing on the date? [clears throat.]
Okay, yeah.
Maybe maybe not, though, right? I don't know.
What do you say we go to Bonobos buh-right now? You know who it be It's that crazy-ass mage Walking out the goblin fortress With my loaded 12-gauge I be flying on a dragon You'll be riding in a river [hacking and coughing.]
[email notification dings.]
Oh.
Boobs? This ought to be good.
Damn.
! That mouse went kersplat! all: Oh! Why? Why? [melancholy piano music.]
[sobbing.]
[mouthing words.]
Just screw it.
No! Nipples! All right.
Take this off.
We don't even need this bitch.
[hip-hop music.]
I'm gonna make it more aerodynamic.
Vroom! Vroom! The dirt sucker! Suck my dust, bitches! Oh, a little energy drink.
Right, okay.
Shkerplunk.
Yeah, cover it in I don't know what I'm doing! I don't know what I'm doing! Adam, what's wrong? You know, everything in my life is going shitty.
None of my friends believe in me or think that I'm smart enough to make my car go fast, and I can't talk to Ders, and I can't talk to Blake, and I don't even know who my real father is.
Adam.
I have someone who can help you.
Come with me.
[seasonal bell music.]
[clears throat.]
This doesn't You took me to church? God damn it, Didi.
I thought you were taking me to, like, racing school or something.
Racing school? You need Jesus.
Jesus Christ, Didi.
Excuse me, young man.
Why are you taking the Lord's name in vain in my place of worship? I shouldn't even be here.
I'm actually going to a race that I'm gonna win.
Didi was supposed to help me, but she's a liar.
She's a sinner.
You should cover her in snakes.
Or whatever you people do.
Come on, what kind of life have you been leading? I live a dope life, honestly.
I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.
That's a lie.
That's a song.
I did see a woman breastfeeding in a Del Taco once.
That was cool.
She had huge areolas.
The that's the part around.
I've been doing this for a long time, and I have never been more certain about someone who's going to hell.
But I don't want to go to hell.
So, Bonobos did not stay open for us, but don't worry about it.
Dress Less for Ross has everything we need.
So why don't you give me some racing tips and, in the meantime, I will find you some threads.
Why don't you hit me with some lady-man moves and I'll hit you with some racing tips? Okay, playing hardball.
Fine.
Throw this on.
I'll find the rest.
Wiggle when I want to No.
No.
Wiggle when I want to Yeah.
Stand up.
Flip it.
And[moaning.]
[moaning.]
Hey.
Hey! Your music is too loud, and you can't molest the pillows.
Now, get out of here before I call the police.
That was fun.
I feel like we're real friends.
We're not, okay? Because I've been helping you all day, and no tips from you, okay? Tactona's in one hour.
All right? You're the race car driver.
Come on.
Well, yes, I drove a race car.
You'd probably call it a school bus.
I used to drive around kids of all races.
Brown, yellow, Puerto Rican, and Haitian.
- Are you [bleep.]
kidding me? - You know what? - I'm calling the cops.
- Wait, no, lady.
Yeah, I don't want to go to, like, "hell" hell, you know? Where there's, like, rapists and murderers.
I want to go to, like, the top level where it's like, people party and like to have fun and smoke weed.
Maybe have an orgy or something.
Hell is not a seven-layer dip.
Hell is hell.
It sucks.
Okay.
Well, that doesn't sound very hype.
Well, if you're scared of damnation, then you must change your ways.
I think I'm scared of damnation.
I'm scared of Raider Nation.
Jesus died for us.
And what have you done to repay him? You have never sacrificed anything for anyone.
You must stop focusing on yourselves and accept God's love.
That is the ultimate hype.
Oh! That man's watch just reflected God's light into my eyeballs.
That means he's trying to tell me something, right? Yes, yes, he is, Adam.
Yes, he is.
What is he trying to tell you? Uh he's telling me that that God is the ultimate hype man, right? He lifts you up when you have fallen! I've fallen too low! So I will harness that power and win the Tactona 420! Yes! [bleep.]
heck, yes.
Bell choir.
Come with me.
Jesus just told me.
Di, s'go! What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at Tactona? Nipples? As much as you want to blame Ders and Adam for what happened to me, deep down, you feel responsible.
You didn't want to deal with your feelings of guilt, so you just walked away.
I'm just a cliché.
Just another one of those hotdogging RC racers that strapped his new pet to the top of his car and killed his best friend.
Yeah.
Can't blame yourself.
Sure I can.
'Cause I shouldn't have strapped you to that car, and I shouldn't have been hotdogging.
Are you kidding? The 30 seconds I was on that car was the best 30 seconds of my life.
You know what I was doing before you came along? Just running around a wheel all day.
And then, one by one, my brothers got plucked up and fed to a snapping turtle.
Have you ever seen a snapping turtle eat a mouse? Prepare yourself.
[making engine noises.]
Oh, thank God I made it.
Oh, you want to talk to God? 'Cause I can.
I can make that happen for you.
I got his number.
How about we give him a ring? What's up with that? I have the Lord Savior Jesus Christ and all the other spirits on my side.
What you got? What do I got? I got a full-zip hoodie.
Marc Ecko.
Hood can come up.
I can rock it down.
I can open.
Close.
I really like that.
Can I borrow it sometime? Okay.
Welcome to the Tactona 420.
Whoo! Yeah! With Blake out of the picture, this race is anybody's to win.
- Yes.
- No, it's mine.
- It's very, very exciting.
- It's mine to win.
Exciting enough to make me forget that, this morning, our beloved Helen covered me in her blood.
All right.
But thanks to this handy bleach pen, no one knows.
[laughs.]
Start the race, lady.
It's winning time.
Let's do it! Start your engines! - Whoo! - Wait, wait, wait, hang on.
- Ready? - Nope.
- Okay, yeah, we're ready.
- Yeah, ready.
- Are we all in place and ready? - Start it.
Ready.
- Don't wait for him.
- Hit it.
Ready.
Set.
[in slow-motion.]
Go! - Bah-bah-bum - Move your car! - Oh, are they playing? - No.
Oh! Oh, damn! Oh, my God! Oh, there's, like, a train of intestines.
That's a lot of blood.
Now, get to Tactona.
Your friends need you.
Both: Yeah.
[triumphant brass music.]
both: Yeah! - Thanks, Nipples! - You got it! - Yeah! - Now, get out of here! I'm gonna! - Now! - Yeah! - Whoo! - Still really drunk.
It's lap 289 here at Tactona 420, and Bill has a hefty lead.
Yo, dumb-ass, your car's falling apart.
- What'd you say? - I'm telling you.
None of that stuff on there's doing you any favors, pal.
God's on my side, so he won't let me lose.
Holy zits! Bill just lapped Adam! Son of a bitch.
God damn it, God.
Why have you forsaken me? Oh, it is starting to look inevitable, folks.
Bill, someone I actually had sex with, might just be the new Tactona 420 champion.
Yeah! Suck my [bleep.]
, world! Bill has just pulled in for a pit stop, and he can take his sweet time since he's way ahead of the pack.
About 100 laps to go.
It would take a miracle to catch up oh, something just tickled my ankle.
What the hell? Whose car is that? Man, don't worry about it.
Just get back in there and win this race.
Another car has just joined the Tactona 420! [anthemic rock music.]
It's Blake! Oh, hell no.
- Whoa.
- What's up? - Yeah.
- Stop.
Stop.
What's up, guys? Hey.
I just want you to know that I'm here and I'm gonna help win the knucklepuck, because the Blake Boys are back.
Let's get this, mother[bleep.]
.
Bell choir, hit it! [seasonal bell music.]
I can hardly believe I'm about to say this, but Blake is only four laps behind! Bill is still in the lead at only eight laps left.
- Adam DeMamp.
- Oh, Jesus Christ! You've got some nerve stealing our bell choir.
- Wow.
- You're a selfish little man.
Yeah, okay.
Could you just shut up? I'm trying to win this race.
You ain't gonna be able to do it.
You know, fine.
You're right, Didi.
I'm not a very good racer.
But you know what I am good at? Being pretty godlike.
Because I'm the ultimate hype man.
Only three laps to go! I shall sacrifice thineself, just like God! That was Jesus.
Oh, Jesus was the one that sacrificed himself.
- Yes.
- Okay, well, then, like him.
Or whatever.
Doesn't matter to me.
[majestic music.]
Oh! Did you guys see that? Whoa, dude, what? You idiot! You're blocking the track! No! One lap left! I see what you're doing.
Blocking the track.
Check this out.
Yeah! - Ga-doop! - What are you guys doing? - I want you to jump my car.
- What? But that's Ultimate Hot Dog.
That's what broke our team up.
Hotdogging's about to get us back together, okay? We're Blake's Boys.
Let's go, come on! Let's go! Hold on to your butt, Nipples, you crazy dick.
- Oh! - Yes! Yes! Whoa! [all cheering.]
The Best Friend Boys are back! - We won! - The Best Friend Boys! We won.
Hey, Jillian, - why don't you call it? - Call it.
'Cause we're the champions.
Yeah, call it.
That was the hospital.
Helen died.
Oh.
And left me $48,000! Oh, my God.
Lucky.
I'm never working again! Oh, I'm so rich! I'm so rich! I'm taking this.
I'm taking this shit right here.
Whoo! I can buy a new one! I got that Jennifer Lawrence money, bitch! Whoo! Ha-ha! You ready for this knucklepuck? I was born ready, baby.
I can't believe this is happening.
It's knucklepuck time! Wait, no, I get to say that.
Okay, the person who hits it says, "It's knucklepuck time.
" - Okay.
- It's knucklepuck time.
It's knucklepuck time.
- Knucklepuck time.
- Guys, check it out.
I want you to meet Nipples 2099.
Whoa! Ow! Ow! [groaning.]
Son of a No! No, I can't handle another death.
No! Sorry.
- That went kersplat.
- Nice.
I wish this was real.
I wish this were - Flamethrower aah.
- Real life aah! Hey, you know what? Knock it off, you jagoffs.
I'm over it.
Every freakin' day.
All right.
Good morning, everyone.
- Morning.
- Well, as you can see, I have some good news for you.
Looks like the Traxxas remote-control cars came in.
- Whoo! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! - Yes! There's something else you have to pitch this year.
Each car comes with a virtual-reality headset now.
This is hooked up to some camera that's on the dashboard, so you get, like, I don't know, a car's-eye view or some shit.
Oh, my God.
So we actually get to be, like, the car from the movie "Cars.
" That's awesome I call Larry the Cable Guy.
- Owen Wilson.
- Bonnie Hunt! Bonnie Hunt.
Whatever.
Fine.
Okay, I'm gonna be out of the office for the rest of the day.
I'm actually going to a business lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe Universal CityWalk, so grab these leads, Stretch, and hey, if you have a problem, some of you have my cell phone number, but don't ever call it.
- Do you have her cell phone? - No.
So, the Tactona 420 is back.
- Whoo! Whoo! - Yes! All right.
Winner of the race gets this entire folder of leads to themselves and the windfall of commissions that come with it.
Yeah, well, everybody calm down, 'cause I think we know that the winner is gonna be me, just like every year.
Y'all ain't shit.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late to the meeting.
- Oh, God.
- What? - Jillian, your - Oh, this.
Yeah, I was dying my hair with cranberry juice in the bathroom, but one of the bottles broke and spilled all over me.
- Oh.
- But then Helen, that old janitor lady Uhhuh.
Slipped in the puddle and fell right onto the glass.
She cut a major artery.
She was pulling at me and just grabbing me and screaming.
She was like, "Aah! Aah!" God, that story is so boring.
I'm falling asleep myself.
You have got to smell my shirt.
[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box".]
- Yo, Blazer.
- [clears throat.]
Did you check out the VR goggles yet? Because I put a camera on the car Yo, guys, did you check out our new mascot yet? Nipples! He's a rescue.
He was gonna be eaten at the pet store by a snapping turtle, but I saved him, and now he's our mascot.
Oh, you dum-dum.
'Cause turtles don't eat mice.
They eat pizza, and I think you know that.
You've seen all of those films.
Bill is actually a really good driver, and if we want to beat him, we need to prepare to win.
So we can get the commission moneyn so we can afford the knucklepuck that Karl stole from Kenan Thompson's house.
Shh! No.
Okay, yes, we know that Karl has a successful maid business, but you can't go yelling about how he's stealing things from his celebrity clients.
Look, I don't care how he got it, okay? All I know is that he has an authentic knucklepuck from "D2: The Mighty Ducks" in his possession.
Would you guys stop stressing? We've got this, all right? I'm a great driver.
We're a great team.
- That's right.
- Here.
Check out the embroidery on those bad boys.
- "Blake's Boys"? - Yep.
Dude, we're a team.
It shouldn't say "Blake's Boys.
" It should say "Blake's Team.
" No, not "Blake's Team.
" Just, it should say Idiot.
Blake, the whole personality thing needs to be clicked off.
Yep.
How about you simmer down now? Why would I simmer down when I spend my whole life being an underdog? I want to turn it up to a boil, 'cause I'm gonna be doing a lot of hotdogging.
Where'd you get that hot dog from? From the coffee pot.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
If you're having a bad day let's say you ruined your favorite shirt or you're waiting to find out if you killed your coworker well, let me tell you, there's nothing like a little bleach pen and some racing to take your mind off of all of that.
Welcome to the Tactona 420 preliminary qualifying race the Tactona 69.
No sign of the dudes.
My trash talking must've scared 'em off.
Damn right, it did.
Get these leads, Bill! [anthemic rock music.]
Sorry.
Yeah, you [bleep.]
better be, you bald piece of shit! Whoa.
I'm really sorry.
That was really hurtful.
I'm gonna just win the race, okay? - Drivers to the starting line.
- All right, Blake.
The car is juiced and ready to get loose.
It's finely tuned.
And it's you got a speech or something? I have a speech better than that one.
You ready to get fully hyped, my brother? You got to make sure they're turned on.
- Oh, yeah.
- Are they turned on? - I was saying, "Are you ready?" - Wh-Oh, yeah.
say? - Okay.
- Pssh, are you kidding me? - Yeah? - I was born ready.
- Cool.
- Actually, I was born red.
Yeah, my mom, she had a yeast infection when she had me I got this terrible rash.
- Okay.
- Ready? No.
No.
Hey, I'm ready! - Okay, goggles on.
- Set.
Go! Oh.
Diane's car's taken out, so one less car to worry about.
Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-da-da-da-da-dum Ba-dum, ba-dum Whoo! Got a little pit stop.
No pit stop.
[Adam continues singing.]
Watch me get some air right here.
All: Whoo! Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum Ba-da-da-da-da-da You're doing great, Blake.
Okay, you're seven laps ahead of the pack.
Just ten more laps to go, okay, buddy? All these laps.
Not one pit stop.
- That's okay.
- I mean, we're here to help.
So feel free to pull over so I can fix your brakes, which are probably shot.
Yeah, we just need to take it nice and easy.
This is just to get pole position for Tactona.
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna take it nice and easy, all right.
I'm gonna take a nice and easy hot dog.
Why did the car stop? Where'd you get that hot dog? Dude, we've got one lap to go, man.
What did we talk to you about hotdogging about, huh? You told me not to do it, and you told me it was reckless, but what you didn't remember is today isn't opposite day.
It's not moving.
What's he up to? His car died.
I don't know.
Just punch it, Bill.
Beat this bitch! Just take us home.
Blake? Both: What are you doing? Okay, bud.
Time for your victory lap.
There you go.
- What Blake, are you crazy? - Let's go.
[laughs.]
All right! Let's go! Now they're only two laps behind.
All right? Blake, just go faster.
They're right behind you! You got this, Bill! Get 'em! Oh, what, you guys think you're gonna catch me? I don't think so.
Punch it, Nipples! Yes, we've got a winner! - Your brakes! - Stop! Stop! All: Oh! Damn! That mouse went kersplat! Nipples! Ow! - Oh, oh, shit! - What? Oh, my God.
He broke my hand.
- No, you're just - No, I don't even know if I touched your hand.
- You're doing this.
- Nipps! Nipples! [whimpering.]
No! No! Oh, yeah.
That is very smushed.
It's a smushed rat.
How about we just put this behind us like that time I hit that homeless man with my scooter? Yeah.
And just focus on the finals, right? - The finals? - Yep.
You want me to race in the finals.
Mm-hmm.
I'm never racing again! Wow, he is being a real sensitive bitch, isn't he? Yeah.
Yeah.
- What are we gonna do? - What? I said, "What a sensitive" I said, "What a sensitive bitch.
" - Oh, total bitch, yeah.
- Yeah.
One of us is gonna have to race.
- Yep, you're right.
- What are you talking about? The knucklepuck is on the line, and I'm the best shot at beating Bill.
I know the car inside and out.
All I know is support staff helps and winners win.
Okay.
You want to know who's a winner? Then maybe we should both race and let Tactona decide.
[grunts.]
You might be standard issue now, but I'm gonna give you a new battery nice and low to the ground and a slick new body that's gonna make you the most aerodynamic car that Tactona's ever seen.
[sensual jazz music.]
- Where's your shirt? - Jesus, Ghostman.
Got a little warm working on my Tactona car because Blake quit and Adam's just an idiot, so it's up to me to win.
You know, I used to be a race car driver.
Whoa, that's cool.
You help me with a lady, I'll help you with Tactona 420.
You got a deal.
Let's get down to it.
What are you gonna be wearing on the date? [clears throat.]
Okay, yeah.
Maybe maybe not, though, right? I don't know.
What do you say we go to Bonobos buh-right now? You know who it be It's that crazy-ass mage Walking out the goblin fortress With my loaded 12-gauge I be flying on a dragon You'll be riding in a river [hacking and coughing.]
[email notification dings.]
Oh.
Boobs? This ought to be good.
Damn.
! That mouse went kersplat! all: Oh! Why? Why? [melancholy piano music.]
[sobbing.]
[mouthing words.]
Just screw it.
No! Nipples! All right.
Take this off.
We don't even need this bitch.
[hip-hop music.]
I'm gonna make it more aerodynamic.
Vroom! Vroom! The dirt sucker! Suck my dust, bitches! Oh, a little energy drink.
Right, okay.
Shkerplunk.
Yeah, cover it in I don't know what I'm doing! I don't know what I'm doing! Adam, what's wrong? You know, everything in my life is going shitty.
None of my friends believe in me or think that I'm smart enough to make my car go fast, and I can't talk to Ders, and I can't talk to Blake, and I don't even know who my real father is.
Adam.
I have someone who can help you.
Come with me.
[seasonal bell music.]
[clears throat.]
This doesn't You took me to church? God damn it, Didi.
I thought you were taking me to, like, racing school or something.
Racing school? You need Jesus.
Jesus Christ, Didi.
Excuse me, young man.
Why are you taking the Lord's name in vain in my place of worship? I shouldn't even be here.
I'm actually going to a race that I'm gonna win.
Didi was supposed to help me, but she's a liar.
She's a sinner.
You should cover her in snakes.
Or whatever you people do.
Come on, what kind of life have you been leading? I live a dope life, honestly.
I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.
That's a lie.
That's a song.
I did see a woman breastfeeding in a Del Taco once.
That was cool.
She had huge areolas.
The that's the part around.
I've been doing this for a long time, and I have never been more certain about someone who's going to hell.
But I don't want to go to hell.
So, Bonobos did not stay open for us, but don't worry about it.
Dress Less for Ross has everything we need.
So why don't you give me some racing tips and, in the meantime, I will find you some threads.
Why don't you hit me with some lady-man moves and I'll hit you with some racing tips? Okay, playing hardball.
Fine.
Throw this on.
I'll find the rest.
Wiggle when I want to No.
No.
Wiggle when I want to Yeah.
Stand up.
Flip it.
And[moaning.]
[moaning.]
Hey.
Hey! Your music is too loud, and you can't molest the pillows.
Now, get out of here before I call the police.
That was fun.
I feel like we're real friends.
We're not, okay? Because I've been helping you all day, and no tips from you, okay? Tactona's in one hour.
All right? You're the race car driver.
Come on.
Well, yes, I drove a race car.
You'd probably call it a school bus.
I used to drive around kids of all races.
Brown, yellow, Puerto Rican, and Haitian.
- Are you [bleep.]
kidding me? - You know what? - I'm calling the cops.
- Wait, no, lady.
Yeah, I don't want to go to, like, "hell" hell, you know? Where there's, like, rapists and murderers.
I want to go to, like, the top level where it's like, people party and like to have fun and smoke weed.
Maybe have an orgy or something.
Hell is not a seven-layer dip.
Hell is hell.
It sucks.
Okay.
Well, that doesn't sound very hype.
Well, if you're scared of damnation, then you must change your ways.
I think I'm scared of damnation.
I'm scared of Raider Nation.
Jesus died for us.
And what have you done to repay him? You have never sacrificed anything for anyone.
You must stop focusing on yourselves and accept God's love.
That is the ultimate hype.
Oh! That man's watch just reflected God's light into my eyeballs.
That means he's trying to tell me something, right? Yes, yes, he is, Adam.
Yes, he is.
What is he trying to tell you? Uh he's telling me that that God is the ultimate hype man, right? He lifts you up when you have fallen! I've fallen too low! So I will harness that power and win the Tactona 420! Yes! [bleep.]
heck, yes.
Bell choir.
Come with me.
Jesus just told me.
Di, s'go! What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at Tactona? Nipples? As much as you want to blame Ders and Adam for what happened to me, deep down, you feel responsible.
You didn't want to deal with your feelings of guilt, so you just walked away.
I'm just a cliché.
Just another one of those hotdogging RC racers that strapped his new pet to the top of his car and killed his best friend.
Yeah.
Can't blame yourself.
Sure I can.
'Cause I shouldn't have strapped you to that car, and I shouldn't have been hotdogging.
Are you kidding? The 30 seconds I was on that car was the best 30 seconds of my life.
You know what I was doing before you came along? Just running around a wheel all day.
And then, one by one, my brothers got plucked up and fed to a snapping turtle.
Have you ever seen a snapping turtle eat a mouse? Prepare yourself.
[making engine noises.]
Oh, thank God I made it.
Oh, you want to talk to God? 'Cause I can.
I can make that happen for you.
I got his number.
How about we give him a ring? What's up with that? I have the Lord Savior Jesus Christ and all the other spirits on my side.
What you got? What do I got? I got a full-zip hoodie.
Marc Ecko.
Hood can come up.
I can rock it down.
I can open.
Close.
I really like that.
Can I borrow it sometime? Okay.
Welcome to the Tactona 420.
Whoo! Yeah! With Blake out of the picture, this race is anybody's to win.
- Yes.
- No, it's mine.
- It's very, very exciting.
- It's mine to win.
Exciting enough to make me forget that, this morning, our beloved Helen covered me in her blood.
All right.
But thanks to this handy bleach pen, no one knows.
[laughs.]
Start the race, lady.
It's winning time.
Let's do it! Start your engines! - Whoo! - Wait, wait, wait, hang on.
- Ready? - Nope.
- Okay, yeah, we're ready.
- Yeah, ready.
- Are we all in place and ready? - Start it.
Ready.
- Don't wait for him.
- Hit it.
Ready.
Set.
[in slow-motion.]
Go! - Bah-bah-bum - Move your car! - Oh, are they playing? - No.
Oh! Oh, damn! Oh, my God! Oh, there's, like, a train of intestines.
That's a lot of blood.
Now, get to Tactona.
Your friends need you.
Both: Yeah.
[triumphant brass music.]
both: Yeah! - Thanks, Nipples! - You got it! - Yeah! - Now, get out of here! I'm gonna! - Now! - Yeah! - Whoo! - Still really drunk.
It's lap 289 here at Tactona 420, and Bill has a hefty lead.
Yo, dumb-ass, your car's falling apart.
- What'd you say? - I'm telling you.
None of that stuff on there's doing you any favors, pal.
God's on my side, so he won't let me lose.
Holy zits! Bill just lapped Adam! Son of a bitch.
God damn it, God.
Why have you forsaken me? Oh, it is starting to look inevitable, folks.
Bill, someone I actually had sex with, might just be the new Tactona 420 champion.
Yeah! Suck my [bleep.]
, world! Bill has just pulled in for a pit stop, and he can take his sweet time since he's way ahead of the pack.
About 100 laps to go.
It would take a miracle to catch up oh, something just tickled my ankle.
What the hell? Whose car is that? Man, don't worry about it.
Just get back in there and win this race.
Another car has just joined the Tactona 420! [anthemic rock music.]
It's Blake! Oh, hell no.
- Whoa.
- What's up? - Yeah.
- Stop.
Stop.
What's up, guys? Hey.
I just want you to know that I'm here and I'm gonna help win the knucklepuck, because the Blake Boys are back.
Let's get this, mother[bleep.]
.
Bell choir, hit it! [seasonal bell music.]
I can hardly believe I'm about to say this, but Blake is only four laps behind! Bill is still in the lead at only eight laps left.
- Adam DeMamp.
- Oh, Jesus Christ! You've got some nerve stealing our bell choir.
- Wow.
- You're a selfish little man.
Yeah, okay.
Could you just shut up? I'm trying to win this race.
You ain't gonna be able to do it.
You know, fine.
You're right, Didi.
I'm not a very good racer.
But you know what I am good at? Being pretty godlike.
Because I'm the ultimate hype man.
Only three laps to go! I shall sacrifice thineself, just like God! That was Jesus.
Oh, Jesus was the one that sacrificed himself.
- Yes.
- Okay, well, then, like him.
Or whatever.
Doesn't matter to me.
[majestic music.]
Oh! Did you guys see that? Whoa, dude, what? You idiot! You're blocking the track! No! One lap left! I see what you're doing.
Blocking the track.
Check this out.
Yeah! - Ga-doop! - What are you guys doing? - I want you to jump my car.
- What? But that's Ultimate Hot Dog.
That's what broke our team up.
Hotdogging's about to get us back together, okay? We're Blake's Boys.
Let's go, come on! Let's go! Hold on to your butt, Nipples, you crazy dick.
- Oh! - Yes! Yes! Whoa! [all cheering.]
The Best Friend Boys are back! - We won! - The Best Friend Boys! We won.
Hey, Jillian, - why don't you call it? - Call it.
'Cause we're the champions.
Yeah, call it.
That was the hospital.
Helen died.
Oh.
And left me $48,000! Oh, my God.
Lucky.
I'm never working again! Oh, I'm so rich! I'm so rich! I'm taking this.
I'm taking this shit right here.
Whoo! I can buy a new one! I got that Jennifer Lawrence money, bitch! Whoo! Ha-ha! You ready for this knucklepuck? I was born ready, baby.
I can't believe this is happening.
It's knucklepuck time! Wait, no, I get to say that.
Okay, the person who hits it says, "It's knucklepuck time.
" - Okay.
- It's knucklepuck time.
It's knucklepuck time.
- Knucklepuck time.
- Guys, check it out.
I want you to meet Nipples 2099.
Whoa! Ow! Ow! [groaning.]
Son of a No! No, I can't handle another death.
No! Sorry.
- That went kersplat.
- Nice.