Workin' Moms (2017) s07e07 Episode Script

1
What the
- Why are we?
- Huh?
Oh, shit!
Nooo!
Okay, what happened?
I don't remember anything.
Me neither!
Why are we on the floor?
How long have we been here?
Who are we?
I'm fucking around. I know who we are.
But I don't know anything else.
Why would you joke at a time like this?
Well, you know,
just trying to make light
Shh! Who was that?
Alice?
What are you doing here?
I don't know.
Mom?
Yes, honey?
What the fuck happened last night?
I guess we just drank our faces off?
How hammered do you have to get
to not remember the entire night,
start to finish?
Wait, do you guys feel hungover?
- No.
- No.
Then how does that make any sense
if we were that shitfaced?
Maybe we were good
girls and pounded water
before blacking out.
Wait, let me have a look at you.
Yeah. Yeah, you look okay.
Maybe we don't tell your dad about this.
Tell him what?
That you and your
friends got me so drunk
we can't even remember what happened?
Yeah, that.
I don't think this level
of confusion is just alcohol.
Something else is going on here.
What the hell are these?
That's cake, alright. Buttercream.
That's it! Cake, yes.
We were We were celebrating.
Celebrating what?
Celebrating Alice.
- We're here!
- Surprise!
What what is all this?
I-I thought
You were just picking something up.
Oh!
Welcome to your coming-of-age party.
We're here to celebrate you and
to commemorate your first time.
My first time what?
Ah, slappin' wrinklies!
Hittin' pinkies!
Bumpin' stinkies!
What?
Your first time having sex.
No, no, no, no! Wait, wait, just wait.
Just hear me out, okay?
I made a mistake.
A woman's first time is something
that should be honoured, not shamed.
Now, these women
are some of the smartest
and the strongest broads that I know,
and we are here to celebrate you
and to impart some wisdom as you
embark on the rest of your
sexual journey.
Mom, this is
so humiliating.
I-I actually want to die. No, thank you.
- No, no no
- Happy slut mitzvah!
No, we're not calling it that!
Do you think calling me a Jewish whore
makes up for what you did?
No one's calling you that.
"Mazel tov you dirty whore"?
Val, I did not tell you
to write that on the cake!
So I took some liberties!
Buttercream
Okay
Hey.
Look, I know this is weird.
No one wants to talk about sex
with their mom, or her friends,
but I promise, if you stick this out,
you will walk out of this lighter.
And so will your mom.
Okay? Look.
This is gonna be great, alright?
When I was your age,
no one threw me a party.
No one told me anything.
I thought you couldn't pee
when you wore a tampon.
I'd hold it for eight hours.
I didn't realize there was
a hole to put the tampon in.
I used to just slip it between
my lips like a hot dog.
- Val
- Ew.
- I'm sorry.
- It worked.
Alice Sloane.
You don't know me.
I'm here because you deserve
a better introduction to sex
than what your fucked-up mom
did to you and your boyfriend.
Thanks.
And, Alice,
your mom and I haven't always seen
eye-to-eye, but she made an
effort when I was going through
a very hard time,
so I am here to give back.
Guys, let's get this party started,
okay?
Val, where's that hooch
you demanded to supply?
I thought you'd never ask.
Look who's one of the big girls!
L'Chaim, sluts!
You know, I'm honestly glad
I can't remember more.
Can we please go home now?
Maybe we should just go home.
Sleep it off.
I'm sure our memories
will come flooding back
after a good night's sleep.
- Obviously we just drank too much.
- Yeah, you're right.
Let's call it, come on.
"Zero percent alcohol,
one hundred percent good times"?
Is this all alcohol-free booze?
What the fuck, Val?
Well, you all got so angry
when I didn't bring alcohol
to the haunted house,
but I couldn't risk
tainting my milk supply!
And Alice is underage,
if anyone cares about that!
And, you're welcome, Sloane,
my sister in lactation arms!
Sloane?
Sloane?
What the hell is that?
What the hell is that?
It's obviously a dick throne.
But what on earth is it doing here?
Alright, no, fuck this.
We definitely didn't black
out on alcohol-free booze,
and that thing, well,
that's just terrifying.
Uh-uh, we are not leaving here
until we know what the hell
happened to us last night.
100%.
- Good idea.
- Really?
Yes.
Ugh!
Alright, what do you remember?
Think, bitches, think!
Okay, let's go!
Slut mitzvah!
- Slut mitzvah.
- Mm-hm.
Dick throne!
Dick throne!
Fake booze!
Uh
Black out?
Great
What else, what else? Come on! Come on!
Dammit! Gah
What?
Whose is this?
Oh! I remember this!
It was a guy that stopped by!
- Guy?
- What guy?
I think his name was Mom?
No, Ram!
What?
Look who's one of the big girls!
Here you go.
Okay, take it down a notch, Val.
Oh, relax, Anne. You need to loosen up.
Uh-oh.
I'm interrupting something!
Oh!
Oh, this party is gettin' started!
Take it off, take it off!
Val, please tell me you
didn't hire a stripper.
Gross. He's old.
Okay, guys, stop.
This is Ram Javeri.
He's my client, not a stripper.
Ah, that you know of.
Wow, this is Ram.
Let's, uh, take a little looksy at you.
Alright, I am so sorry about them.
- You wanna talk in the boardroom?
- Okay.
- Woo!
- Will you fucking stop?
You guys are so immature, you know that?
Stop it! Don't mind them.
They're just stupid and obnoxious.
They're all stupid.
Shut the fuck up!
Mm
I-I only closed the blinds
because you guys were
acting like idiots!
Then what were you doing in
here with your saucy friend?
I can't remember!
How long were we in here?
Like 5
maybe 45 minutes?
45 minutes!
Jesus Christ,
that's a long time for sex.
And you're sure I closed the blinds?
Because maybe we I probably didn't.
I don't always close blinds.
You 100% immediately
closed all the blinds,
like, super fast.
Fuck!
Can we get back to this dick throne?
And why was it at what was
supposed to be a respectful
coming-of-age party for my daughter?
Val, I'm looking at you!
I don't rememberrrr
This chair is a ceremonial
display piece I found online
to celebrate Alice's
entry into a elite group:
Women who conquer.
Specifically, women who conquer dick.
By sitting on this throne,
you are saying that you are
in charge of your sexual self.
That's pretty good, actually.
- Love that.
- Yeah.
Now, in the spirit of beginnings,
I thought we could each
take a turn on the throne
and tell our virginity stories.
I'll start.
I was 19 and working
part-time as a party clown.
I was 17
I was young. Fifteen.
I didn't have sex until college.
My boyfriend and I both had headgear,
which we wore the first
time we tried to have sex.
Wanted to get it over with.
It was all business.
My first time was with Brad,
my ex-husband.
I mean, I rounded all the
other bases plenty, but
- La, la, la, la, la, la!
- Oh, come on.
I met a charming magician.
He convinced me that my
clitoris was inside my bum.
And I believed him.
He insisted we be absolutely silent.
"Not a peep," he would say.
We were terrified. He was so sweet.
I think I scared my little partner.
Poor Jimmy Iverson.
I lost my anal virginity
to Sam the Spectacular.
Lesson learned.
Never trust someone who
tricks people for a living.
He actually threw up
right after he came.
Which I never knew if I
should take as a compliment.
I don't know how he
even stayed hard given how
emotionless and clinical it was
Now that I think about it,
he did have to thumb it in a lot.
Dong like a tiger, though,
I'll tell you what.
I just thought that
if I waited long enough,
I would be sure to have the
perfect first time, but
I don't think that exists.
Honestly, my first time
was pretty freakin', flippin' perfect.
Mmm!
Mmm mmm!
You guys ever eat cake
with just your face?
You alright, Val? Are you feeling okay?
No?
Quite fucked up,
now that you mention it.
We like, we like to party! ♪
We like to party! ♪
I've got something to tell ya. ♪
I've got news for you. ♪
Gonna put some wheels in motion. ♪
Get ready
'cause we're comin' through. ♪
Hey now, hey now!
Hear what I say now! ♪
Happiness is just around the corner! ♪
Hey now, hey now!
Hear what I say now! ♪
We'll be there for you! ♪
The venga bus is coming,
and everybody's jumping! ♪
New York to San Francisco,
an intercity disco! ♪
The wheels of steel are turning ♪
and traffic lights are burning ♪
so if you like to party ♪
get on and move your body! ♪
The venga bus is coming! ♪
Well,
it certainly seems like we had fun!
Val
We still have no idea
why we blacked out!
Hey, so, when I was here in
the boardroom with Ram, um
did you
did you hear any sex sounds?
When I walked out, did I seem dry-ish?
Was my hair normal? Did I look pleased?
Dude, I don't know.
I mean, is it still cheating
if I don't remember?
Yeah, pretty sure.
It's not a "tree falls
in the forest" situation.
Well, fuck.
Meat boy?
Forrest?
Mm? Oh
What the hell are you doing here?
Model adjustments.
Just head needed some
side-to-side improvements
just to bring it over the top, you know?
How did you get in here?
Father gave me a key.
I've been coming in every weekend,
using his work bench.
It's called a desk, Forrest.
Well, wait,
do you know what happened last night?
Sorta.
It's all a little fuzzy
You see, I was in the zone,
when I heard through my headphones
the unmistakable sound
of older women having
fun.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Whoa
Meat boy!
Forrest?
Is that breast milk?
There's more where that came from,
meat boy.
- Can I play with you guys?
- No.
- Yes, you can.
- Holy shit.
Where did you get this get-up?
Her. She made me wear it.
I can't imagine what we were doing
that would necessitate that!
Nes
Nesse Necessiss
- Necessitate.
- Necessi
Just stop talking.
Which has more nerve endings,
the penis or the clitoris?
Um the clitoris?
Yeah!
- Correct!
- I'm so proud of you!
- You may advance.
- I'm so proud of you!
Val, I am impressed!
I can't believe you put this together!
- Oh, it was nothing.
- Silence!
Alice, now, where on this
diagram is the prostate located?
Um
I mean, God, does it even matter?
Of course it matters, Anne!
No, I know this one!
I stick fingers up people's buttholes!
No helping!
Alice! Now!
Um, I
- His balls!
- Noooo!
I'm sorry, but the answer's incorrect.
And you know your punishment.
Wait, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
I don't make the rules, Alice.
You literally made these rules!
Mom!
I mean, they're the rules!
You know the rules!
It'll be over soon!
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
What the hell, Mom!
What were you thinking?
Well, I don't know, Alice!
That's the whole problem, isn't it?
- Aah!
- Excuse me?
Mothers, daughters, I have to bounce.
I ran out of shrooms,
and I need more before I
lose my creative juices.
Did you just say "shrooms"?
He shroomed us!
What? No, you little freak.
I would never.
Prove it!
I strictly limit myself
to three grams a week.
Otherwise I would get stupid.
And we wouldn't want that, would we?
How much is three grams?
Oh, Anne, don't embarrass yourself.
Look,
shit was already litty like a titty
- before I found you all.
- No.
No way, it had to be you.
You drugged us.
Otherwise, we still don't
know what the fuck happened
to us last night!
That's a bummer, for sure.
Let me know when you figure it out.
Hey! Hey!
Piece of shit.
Hey that's my phone!
Where is it?
Gimme that!
Why do you have my phone?
Uh
Oh, yeah.
This slut mitzvah is
turning into a real bust.
Honestly, this is not what she needs.
What that girl deserves is a
re-do with her little boyfriend.
Yes! You're right.
Your mom ruins your first time,
you get right back up on
that teenage-penis horse.
I'm gonna steal
her phone before it locks!
Oh!
I like you!
Seamus, Seamus
There you are.
Hey, sexy man
Yes! Yes!
Re-do, re-do, re-do!
Re-do, re-do, re-do, re-do!
Re-do, re-do, re-do, re-do!
The last thing those
two need is a re-do!
What the hell were you guys thinking?
You know what? I officially don't care
what happened last night.
- I'm leaving.
- Wait, no, no, no, no!
Alice, Alice, Alice, stop. Stop, please.
I fucked up.
Tonight was supposed to be
about making it up to you.
Sharing pearls of wisdom, you know?
Like, um
Like like how it doesn't matter
who you lose your virginity to.
Whether you marry them,
or you never see them again,
you can't control that.
But what you can control is yourself.
And what you need to know,
what is the most important thing
that you know, is to prioritize
you and your own pleasure.
Well, you clearly prioritize
your own pleasure.
Okay, what the hell does that mean?
Seamus told me all about your
flirty little field trips.
I mean, asking him about his sex life?
Calling that therapy?
What is your problem?
- I'm sorry?
- You did what now?
You told us that you walked
in on them having sex.
Anne, isn't that what you said?
Oh, that's what she told you all?
Cool story.
I didn't know! I-I didn't know!
For most of the time.
By the way,
why didn't he recognize that we both
have the same last name, huh?
Well, he said Carlson's actually
a really common last name.
Common last name, my ass.
And don't blame him.
Fine, you're right, okay?
I crossed a line.
I crossed many lines,
and I'm horrified with myself!
But that doesn't matter.
What matters is that I am
genuinely and incredibly sorry
for ruining your first time.
Well, you didn't.
Wait, you didn't
You're still a virgin?
No.
It wasn't my first time.
Not even close.
Oh, boy.
Hello?
Uh
Hey.
Hey, Alice.
What What are you doing here?
You sent me a text saying
"your one way ticket to smash town"
with a pin to this address?
No, I
Actually, you know what?
That's that's perfect.
Not bad.
Oh!
Thanks for this special evening.
Let's go.
Anne? Are you okay?
No.
I think I gotta go.
You think she's already
slept with more people
than you have your whole life?
- Oh my God, Jenny.
- Jenny!
- I gotta go, I gotta go.
- Yeah, of course.
Kate, Kate, don't. Let her go.
Let her go scream in her car all alone.
You're right, I'm sure.
Fuck. Now what do we do?
Uh, well, I think I'm gonna go home.
Moi aussi.
Oh, by all means.
Thanks for helping clean up.
I can't believe we didn't figure it out.
All six of us blacking out over nothing.
I know.
Anyway, go home.
I'll help you clean this up later.
No, it's alright, I got it. You go.
I got it.
Oh
You guys are so immature,
you know that?
Stop it! Don't mind them.
They're just stupid and obnoxious.
They're all stupid.
Shut the fuck up!
I'm sorry to crash the weird party
that you're throwing out of
your office over the weekend.
May I ask what brings you
to my office on the weekend?
I was gonna just leave this at the front
for you to find Monday morning,
but this is way better.
Oh, shit! Is this what I think it is?
Horamo.
With your slogan right
there on the label.
Oh!
Look at that!
Yeah, it was worth the trip
just to see that shit-eating grin.
Alright, well, uh
Don't let me keep you from your party.
Uh, thanks for stopping by.
Yeah.
Now, uh, walk me out, please?
I don't want to walk
by your friends alone.
Oh, yeah.
I knew I wasn't a bad person.
Goodnight, ladies.
- Have fun!
- Goodnight!
He is a lot cuter than you let on.
Okay, is he? He's fine.
Can we just cheers to Alice, please?
Thanks.
Mmm, that is delicious.
Yeah, I'm just gonna say it, Val.
This champagne is cheap as shit.
So friggin' sweet!
Yeah, we're gonna get
killer hangovers for this.
Take it easy, Alice.
Anybody have an Advil?
I don't fuck with champagne
- unless I take one of those.
- I don't have that, but
this could do the trick.
Is that your migraine pill?
Uh-huh.
Any side effects we should know about?
Well, there is one.
You could drink your tits
off and not get a headache.
Yeah!
Kate, you are a genius!
Bottoms up!
Oh, fuck