8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s07e08 Episode Script
Kevin Bridges, Rebecca Front, Joe Lycett
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown - Sean Lock, Jon Richardson, Kevin Bridges, Rebecca Front, Joe Lycett, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host Jimmy Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, there are 50 trillion cells in the human body, or 100 trillion if you're a fatty boom batty, chunky monkey, wobble slob? In geometry, two objects are said to be congruent if they have the same size and shape.
For example, a bookie's pen is congruent with my penis.
And a nonagon is a shape with nine sides, whereas, a nanagon is the shape of a coffin with an old lady in it.
Right.
Let's get started.
Let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
Jon Richardson's now been married for almost a year.
The good news is, having spent a year living with Jon, NASA reckon Jon's wife is now psychologically capable of surviving the long trip to Mars.
And Jon's team-mate Rebecca Front! In January of this year, Rebecca starred in BBC One's big budget adaptation of Leo Tolstoy's War And Peace.
I'm sorry, Rebecca, but I didn't get a chance to see it, because I find that sort of thing boring.
I'm joking.
I love Tolstoy.
Woody, Buzz, Jessie - all the gang.
Up against them this evening it's Sean Lock.
Sean's a great friend.
It doesn't matter if you're planning to dispose of a body, slaughter some kittens or teach a nonce a lesson they'll never forget, Sean is certain to volunteer to help you out.
And joining Sean tonight, it's Kevin Bridges.
In 2010, Kevin released his debut DVD Kevin Bridges - The Story So Far.
It proved so popular in Glasgow, thefts of DVD players went up 50%.
Now, Kevin, you've just got back from studying in Madrid.
Yes, I just fancied doing something different.
I went over to Madrid to study Spanish for six weeks, Jimmy.
How's your Spanish, then? Give us a little bit, give us a taste of Spanish.
Necesito para comprar un tendedero, por favor.
I need to buy a clotheshorse, please.
I never knew, a clotheshorse, I never knew that was only a sort of British expression, so I tried to translate it into Spanish literally.
It was the first night, I had to go and buy a clotheshorse for my apartment to dry my clothes and in Spanish, you need to reverse the words, so I've had to Google translate Spanish for horse, which is caballo and clothes is la ropa, so I've walked into a shop, rehearsed it a few times, bang.
Opened the door and went and said, "Estoy buscando para un caballo para la ropa," which just means I'm looking for a horse for my clothes.
Excellent.
Sean, here's a question for you.
- Do you get on well with your neighbours? - Yeah, you know me.
Just Just ring on the doorbell, come in, I'll probably be baking.
And just hang out as long as you feel that you want to and when you feel it's time to go - brilliant! You said baking there, do you do much cooking at home? I do.
I cook a bit.
I'll tell you one thing that really annoys me is this current fashion for this pulled pork, this meat that falls off the bone thing.
It's just cooking overrated, I don't see the point of that.
It's like having a pork smoothie, isn't it? I want I like rare meat, something I have to gnaw on, like a cat on a pensioner's leg, "Grrr!" I was actually trying to order pulled pork in Spanish as well and I knew cerdo is Spanish for pork and I never knew how to say pulled, so I walked up to the door, and one side's obviously pull, one side's push, so I tested the door.
Empujar was to push and tirar was to pull, so I walked up and said, "Estoy buscando tirar el cerdo.
" "I'm looking for you to pull my pork.
" OK.
Rebecca, it's your first time on Countdown.
Are you going to be better at the letters or the numbers? What do you think? I'll probably be rubbish at both, but I'm not a numbers person.
I get a little bit of number panic, a little bit of that kind of, you know, too many numbers in front of me and I just freeze.
It won't be a full-on panic attack, let me just reassure you, but, yeah, I'll definitely be better at numbers, er, letters.
No, it'll be fine.
It's all going to be fine.
- It's all going to be FINE.
- OK, she's having a breakdown, let's move on.
This seems unlikely, but apparently you're a big fan of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
- Yes.
Why does that surprise you? - Er, you seem quite clever.
You come across as very bright, you're always in very sort of high-quality things and that's sort of a You didn't see War And Peace, it's very similar to Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
No, I think it's because it reflects, quite accurately, my own life.
You know, I'm married to a major hip-hop star and, you know, sex tapes and the naked Actually, it's nothing like my life, that's why I like it.
It's nothing like my own life.
- Jon, who was your first crush? - Er Cheetara from ThunderCats.
That's a very good choice.
Sean's cooking chat got me going a bit actually.
My first proper crush was on one of the dinner ladies at school.
I called her Chef.
And at night-time, sometimes - she lived on my estate - I used to cycle round to her house and just look at it.
I was wondering when you were going to make it creepy.
I was a ten-year-old girl at the time.
You used to cycle round and look at her house? Not right outside the house, that would've been weird, but at a point nearby where she might have seen me out of the window and thought, "Look at that pensive intellectual "on his bike, just thinking about life.
" - Yeah, that's not weird(!) - Jon, have you got a mascot this evening? Yeah, well, it's more a movement really.
I love politics and I just think now is the best time for politics in the world.
I just think there's some amazing people about and I've been inspired.
I won't tell you who's inspired me, but someone has inspired me, so I'm launching my Make Countdown Great Again campaign and it's just really about pushing standards forwards by threatening to chin people.
And I think, you know, you put this hat on and you realise, Jimmy, and I know you'll have realised this, there are too many American words in our dictionary and I, frankly, have had enough.
All the sodding - they're over there - four seasons pizza.
It's a four series pizza and it always was.
So I've built a wall between myself Between myself and the dictionary there.
It also keeps out Kevin Bridges, a Spanish speaker.
Yes, I did Spanish at university, so technically we're on the same team, brother.
You used a para earlier and you didn't need it, but I didn't say anything because I'm not a dick.
But if you say buscando, you don't need a para, you just buscando it, mate.
I said, "Necesito para comprar," but comprar is an infinitive verb You can just say, "Necesito comprar.
" "I need to buy" All right.
But the buscando was fine? I wouldn't use it with the buscando either.
"Estoy buscando" I don't think I did, though.
I think it was only with the comprar.
Yeah.
It's a lovely word.
It sounds like we're talking Spanish.
- OK.
Rebecca, have you got a mascot? - Yeah, I have got a kazoo, because kazoos, actually, are quite significant in my family.
My father, quite genuinely, quite often walks around with a kazoo.
I mean, not obviously, but sort of in his pocket.
He's got a kazoo in his pocket? Anyway, so kazoos are quite a big thing in our family.
Can you give us a bit of kazoo action? I thought what could be handy, see, is if we need to play for a bit of extra time, then I could just do the SHE PLAYS COUNTDOWN THEME And just keep extending it, extending it and nobody would know the difference.
Fine.
Yeah.
Kevin, have you got a mascot? No, actually, I had a bit of a drama.
I bought Sean a gift, because I knew we were going to be on the same team.
So in the airport, returning home from Madrid, I got my Toblerone.
I was struggling to think of something to get, just to keep the team morale high, and Toblerone, nine letters, thought it was ideal, but I never got clearance in time from Toblerone, so And they thought we were going to be disrespectful about the brand.
- That's crazy! - So fuck you, Toblerone! Yeah, Toblerone.
The only reason the Swiss make chocolate is so we don't associate it with blood diamonds and Nazi gold.
So fuck you, Switzerland as well.
- Here are some backup mascots.
- Oh, yeah.
Sure.
Sure.
- Aeroplane.
Sean, that's for you, mate.
- Oh! - My God! A phone.
Stole that off the Deal Or No Deal set.
Mirror, so Toblerone can go and take a long, hard look at itself.
OK.
Sean, have you brought a mascot? Well, yes, Jimmy, I think I'd revisit something very popular of mine, which is the gritty limericks.
I think we're all well aware that I've revived the limerick in its original form, which is as a piece of social commentary, a way of dealing with some quite sensitive issues in a light-hearted, fun way.
And I've got a few here.
This one is something I think upset a lot of people, which is the whales that got washed up on beaches here.
There once was a beach in Skeggy Where a whale was on its last leggy It was dampened by hose And pecked out by crows But still it ended up deady.
This one is about an issue that's obviously in the news a lot - only the other day it was - obesity amongst children.
Our kids, they're all getting fatter From eating food that's covered in batter With too many pies and no exercise They'll collapse face down in a meat platter.
And, you know, something we've all got to deal with.
This one - It was a troubling start to the year For celebrities who are no longer here With tears in our eyes They were falling like flies But sadly no-one from Top Gear.
- OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner we've got Joe Lycett.
- Hello! Joe is currently writing his first book.
Well, Joe, I hope it's not a book about something really dull that no-one wants to read about, because Susie's totally got that covered.
Joe, amazingly, you've been rubbing shoulders with Hollywood movie stars recently.
How on earth did this happen? - What's going on? - I went to the Oscars.
Oh! A friend of mine was nominated.
I don't know if you've heard of Leonardo DiCaprio? But he was also there.
No, a friend of mine, Jenny Beavan, who's a costume designer, she got nominated for Mad Max and she won it, so I went along and I stole her Oscar and I ran around pretending I'd won it, and lots of people were congratulating me.
- "I worked terribly hard, yes.
" - Who did you get to meet? Who was the coolest person you got to meet? Well, so we went to the Vanity Fair party and on the red carpet there, Lizo Mzimba from Newsround was there.
He was the Harry Potter correspondent on Newsround.
I was like, "It's bloody Lizo!" And that was my favourite one that I met.
He's a cool guy.
He's blocked me on Twitter, but he's a cool guy.
OK.
And with Joe, of course, it's Susie Dent.
Susie Dent once turned down Strictly Come Dancing, because the volume was too loud and she was trying to read.
Susie, Kevin Bridges is on the show tonight.
Are there any Scottish words or phrases you particularly like? ErmI love the way the Scottish make everything so dramatic.
You say something like, "Your bum's oot the window.
" - "Your bum's out the window.
" - KEVIN: "Your arse is out the window," yes.
- If you're talking rubbish - Sorry, what does your arse is out the window mean? SUSIE: You're just talking rubbish, isn't it? KEVIN: I think it just means, like, your arse is like out of the window.
But if you have got your arse out the window, you wouldn't need someone to go, "Oi, Kevin, just before anyone really notices" OK.
And in charge of the numbers it's Rachel Riley.
Rachel's been hosting a new science show for ITV.
Good luck with that, Rachel.
Watching ITV to learn about science is like watching Babestation to learn about feminism.
OK.
Rachel, we missed you, you were away.
Did you miss us? I didn't think I did, but a couple of nights ago, - I had a dream with a couple of you in it and it was quite weird.
- OK.
Tell me everything.
I got to this hotel that I've never been to before, but in my dream it was one I go to all the time, so I didn't bother checking in, I just had my key card and I thought, "I'll try the usual door.
" I went in, put my bag in, about to unpack when I realised that someone was already in the room and without turning round, I knew that it was Jon in the middle of the day with two girls.
For some reason the most unlikely thing about that is in the middle of the day with two girls.
It was just really weird.
Later on, you were there, in a robe, being a bit creepy and then, like It was, like, in this fictional, skyrise, new world and then the buildings just started collapsing.
JON: Typical, finally get my end away and the world ends.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown baby bouncer.
Let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Sean and Kevin, your turn to pick the letters.
- I'll take a consonant, please, Rachel.
- Thank you, Kevin.
L A vowel.
O Another vowel, please.
E A consonant, please.
Another consonant, please.
R A vowel.
U On you go, Sean.
Three to go, mate.
Vowel or consonant, a few letters to go.
Oh, God! Erm Oh! No, a vowel.
RACHEL: A vowel.
A SEAN: A consonant.
RACHEL: M SEAN: And another consonant.
RACHEL: And the last one S OK.
And your time starts now.
APPLAUSE I got carried away.
How many did you get, Jon? - A six.
- A six.
Rebecca? - I think a seven.
- Oh, fancy.
Sean? How many? Three.
- Kevin? - A six, mate.
All right.
Sean, what's your three? - TUM.
- TUM.
As in your TUM, TUM-TUM.
Is TUM a word, Susie? Yeah, I was just trying to tell Sean there was an S there available.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's definitely there.
I'm just looking up ARSOLE.
You've got a special pen for that.
TUM is fine, - but you could've put the S on for four.
- Didn't want to.
- Oh, OK.
Jon, you had a six.
MASTER or MUSTER as in BATE and D.
- Kevin, your six.
- This is going to sound dubious, mate.
I've miscounted the amount of letters in the word and it's actually a seven that I've managed to get.
What's your seven? - It's MORTALS.
- Rebecca.
- That's the same one as me.
- MORTALS? - First time out, pretty impressive.
- SUSIE: Very good.
APPLAUSE This is going to really get on your nerves, isn't it? I'm just going to stop.
Funny, isn't it, that Kevin thought he had a six and then we had a conversation about there being an S you could put on the end and then he had a seven.
Funny that.
Good job I'm here to make Countdown great again, or that might piss me off.
Well, 7 points to both teams.
Well done.
- Joe, Susie, could they have done any better? - Yes, absolutely.
They've failed us.
There was an eight, SOULMATE, you could have.
But there was also a nine, EMULATORS.
APPLAUSE Susie getting there.
EMULATORS.
Onto our first numbers around.
OK.
Rebecca, you choose the numbers.
I think I'll go for the classic combination, just the one big number and then all the other ones that are littler.
OK.
One big one and five, tried and tested, five little.
3, 9, 5, 4, another 9, and the big one, 50.
And the target, 952.
OK.
And your time starts now.
- Rebecca, did you get that? - Oh, no, no.
I was absolutely I was about 50 points off.
OK.
Jon, did you get it? - No, I got 953.
- Pretty close.
- Sean? - 949.
Not as close.
Kevin.
953 as well.
Kevin, how did you get 953? - 9 + 5 = 14.
- Yep.
14 + 4 = 17 - Plus 4 is 18.
- Sorry, start again.
Erm, Jimmy, can I change my answer, please? Let's go again.
Don't worry, Sean.
I'll just improvise here.
- Don't say that out loud.
- So, 18 x 50 is Come on, Rachel, we know that's right.
Just write it up there.
.
.
900.
Right.
What have we got left? A 9 and a 3.
3 x 9, add it on and there we go.
- 27 - 927, Jimmy, I meant to say.
Jon, how did you do it? 5 x 4 = 20 - RACHEL: Yep.
- JON: Minus 9/9 RACHEL: 9/9 for 1 is 19.
JON: Times 50.
RACHEL: For 950.
- JON: And add the 3.
- RACHEL: Yeah, one away.
953.
Seven points to Jon.
- Rachel, could it be done? - Yes, it could.
If you say 50 x 5 = 250 Take away a 9 and a 3 for 238, and times it by 4.
OK.
So Sean and Kevin have 7, Jon and Rebecca have 14.
And here is your teaser, the words are SEMI DONG.
The clue is - it's only small.
That's SEMI DONG.
It's only small.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were SEMI DONG.
The clue was, it's only small.
It was, of course, SMIDGEON.
OK, they've been playing in teams, so far, but this game is just for Sean and Rebecca.
So, Rebecca, your turn to choose the letters.
- Can I have a consonant to start with? - Thank you, Rebecca.
F And then another one.
D Then a vowel, please.
E And then two more consonants.
N Y Two more vowels.
O I - And the rest consonants, thanks.
- And S And the last one C OK.
And your time starts now.
EXPLOSION AUDIENCE GASPS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Rebecca, what did you get? I think I just sucked myself off.
Oh, dear.
My heart is actually thumping now.
So, Rebecca, what did you get? - I got a six.
- Six.
Sean? - Five.
- Five.
OK, what's your five? - NOISY.
- Rebecca, what did you get? - I got FIENDS.
- Fiends? So, six points for Rebecca.
Well done.
- OK.
Joe, Susie, could they have done any better? - Yes.
There was an eight, which was CONFIDES.
OK, so at the end of that, Sean and Kevin have 7, Jon and Rebecca have 20.
APPLAUSE Time now for Jon and Kevin to go head-to-head on the maths.
Kevin, your turn to pick the numbers.
One from the top, two middle, three bottom, please, Rachel.
- Jon, what's happened with your hat? - I sort of did this ironically, but I actually think I might be cool! It's a good look.
- You look awesome(!) - Yeah.
I feel awesome.
I feel like Backstreet's back.
All right(!) LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So, one from the top, five from the bottom.
- "I want it that way," Rachel.
- Yes! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You finally got it! You just got it.
Getting in with the lads there.
Yeah, you'll have to "tell me why," though.
Tell you why? Ain't nothin' but a heartache REBECCA PLAYS THE KAZOO You see? You'll all want one, now.
Won't you? Fuck you, Toblerone.
- One from the top, five from the bottom.
- All right.
2.
2.
8, 2, 9, 10 and 100.
- The target 147.
- Oh, my God! And your 30 seconds starts now.
So, the target was 147.
Jon, did you get it? No.
Kevin, did you get it? - I think so, mate.
Yeah.
- Jon, what did you get? Oh, just add them all up and that's what I got, mate.
OK.
So, Kevin, how did you do it? - It's actually much more difficult than it looks.
- Yeah.
100 + Are you again just freestylin'? Just, can I remind you of last time when it didn't work when you just freestyled? - I think I've done it.
- Sorry, Trump's got it.
It won't count.
I don't want the points.
I just want self-respect! 9 x 8 = 72 Yeah.
9 x 8 = 72 + 2 + 2 = 74 - Divided by - 2.
Yeah.
37.
- + 10 and + 100.
- Jesus.
37 + 10 + 100.
Very nice.
APPLAUSE Well, I'm happy to say, it doesn't count.
OK, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner.
Joe, what do you have for us? Well, Jimmy, last time I was on the show, I received a little bit of feedback from a viewer, who, for legal reasons, we're going to call Brian.
I received it at about 3am after the broadcast, the subject was 8 Out Of 10 Cars.
"Just saw you on the show and had to e-mail you to tell you, you are shit.
" LAUGHTER "Jimmy Carr is the best thing about that show by miles.
"You're not even remotely funny.
"Here's some advice: find another job.
You're a dick.
" "Please consider the environment.
Do you really need to print this e-mail?" What Brian did, foolishly, is he left his e-mail signature on from his workplace.
It's a solicitors.
So, I replied, "Dearest Brian ".
.
thank you for your e-mail regarding my recent appearance on 8 Out Of 10 Cars, "the spin-off show to the very popular 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
"I read with great interest your thoughts on Jimmy Carr, "he is indeed a fantastic comedian and broadcaster.
"As you left your address for your workplace on your e-mail signature "I've had it arranged for a signed photograph of Jimmy "to be posted to you to thank you for your feedback.
Yours, Joe Lycett.
" I also put, "p.
s.
I will now spend some time considering the environment "before printing your e-mails.
" He then sent me an e-mail very quickly back.
He replied, "Please don't send me any stuff, this is my workplace.
"Sorry about the last e-mail, I was drunk.
Brian.
" But, regardless, I sent him this picture, which is your picture with my autograph on it.
I then replied to him, "My beloved Brian, thank you for your apology, but it is unnecessary.
"If anything, I actually owe you an apology, as I've sent what is clearly my autograph "on a Jimmy Carr picture! "I practice my signature on leftover photographs of Jimmy and there must've been a clerical error.
"I've had Jimmy's signature sent to you first class this morning, "with my compliments.
Forever yours, Joe Lycett.
I also put, "p.
s.
I'm still considering the environment before printing your e-mail.
" He replied, "Please, please don't send stuff to my office.
"I'm sorry for sending the first e-mail, I was drunk.
" Too late, I'd sent him this.
That is how I sign my name.
He then replied, "Honestly, mate, what the actual fuck?!" "I've apologised and you're still sending stuff, "this is my workplace, man.
The glitter got everywhere.
" Oh, I added glitter to the envelope.
So, I replied, "OK, Brian.
I'll stop sending you stuff.
"I should tell you, I have finished my considerations as to the environment "before printing your e-mails and have decided to print them regardless.
"They are in the post to your offices and addressed to the manager.
" I got a one word reply from Brian, "Shit.
" Joe Lycett, everyone.
APPLAUSE The scores at the moment, Sean and Kevin have 7, Jon and Rebecca have 20.
And here is your teaser.
The words are SEEN TURD.
The clue is - put it in your mouth.
That's SEEN TURD - put it in your mouth.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were SEEN TURD.
The clue was - put it in your mouth.
It was of course DENTURES.
OK, before we get on with the game, time for a bonus round, a chance for our teams to win some extra points.
Sean and Jon have been working together for a long time, so tonight, we're going to test just how much they know about each other.
Jon, Sean, make your way to the podium for our version of Mr & Mrs.
It's Mr & Mr.
GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS APPLAUSE Can we have the sting again, please? They're taking their time getting here.
GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Did you walk Did you not - I've never played it before.
Sting again! GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Just one more time, he's on the way, he's on the way.
- I'm over here.
GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, stand No - No, obviously not.
- I've never played it before.
How do you play this? How do you play it, guys? - I don't know - If you can stand next to Jon there.
LAUGHTER How How the game is played.
You stand ominously .
.
just behind a smaller man.
He's stood in a position that leads you to speculate that our marriage might not be a Mr and Mr scenario.
That's better.
That's all I wanted, Jon.
You only have to ask, petal.
- So, Sean, I'm going to ask you some questions.
- Yeah.
Jon, you won't be able to hear them.
I'm going to ask you what Sean says.
So you've got to put on some ear defenders and go over and sit by Rachel, so if you stick on your ear defenders.
I've got some hummus and carrots.
So if you go and sit next to Oh, my God, we're back again I think it would be better LAUGHTER It would be better just to make sure LAUGHTER CHEERING He's all right.
LAUGHTER He seems happy.
OK, let's play Mr & Mr.
GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS APPLAUSE Here's your first question, Sean.
Which of these do you consider your best feature? Is it A, your physique, B, your smile, C, your eyes, or D, something else? LAUGHTER It's this, isn't it? My smile, it's my smile.
I'd say it is my smile.
Can we just, can we see you smile, just down the lens? Just I'm like a kitten in a brandy glass, aren't I? Certainly that would explain the discolouration.
What is the strangest job you've ever had, Sean? Er, well, I've had many strange jobs, Jimmy.
I used to be, I was a bingo caller, I was a bingo caller for while.
- Bingo caller, yes.
- But I refused to take part in any of that nonsense.
I pared it down.
So I just used to say stuff like, "This number doesn't remind me of anything.
"11.
" But I suppose the weirdest job I've ever had, I was a goat herdsman.
In France, in a goat farm.
Used to herd goats.
- Genuinely, you had that job? - Yes.
- OK, right.
Sean, if you could change any one thing about yourself, - what would it be? - The thing that I'm embarrassed about is I keep using my freezer as a holding pen for my bin.
If the bin's full, rather than take it out, I just put stuff in the freezer.
And then I forget about it.
And then I think to myself, "Oh.
" And then I want to freeze something, and it is just full of toxic, frozen waste.
A bit like some kind of post-apocalyptic environmental disaster.
- So, I think I should stop doing that.
- OK.
Jon, you can come back over.
- You're on.
- Come on over.
- All done? - All done.
GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS OK, Jon.
Time to find out how much you know about Sean.
Which of these does Sean consider his best feature? His physique, his smile, his eyes, or something else? Nice eyes LAUGHTER Smile? Er I'll say he said his smile.
DING The right answer! APPLAUSE OK, next question.
What does Sean think is the strangest job he's ever had? To make it easy I'll make multiple choice.
Is it a) museum tour guide, is it b) goat herder, or is it c) team captain on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown? LAUGHTER Well, he was definitely a goat herder, cos he's talked about that before and I listened.
LAUGHTER - Erm Goatherd.
- Goatherd? DING The right answer! APPLAUSE Two for two.
Final question.
If Sean could change any one thing about himself, what would it be? Would it be a) his fashion sense, b) nothing, or c) he'd like to stop using his freezer as a holding pen for his bin? LAUGHTER That's quite an oddrandom question to put in there.
LAUGHTER Something is leading me to believe that that came from his mouth rather than I think it might be the bin one.
DING The right answer, three for three.
APPLAUSE You know him so well.
Jon, you got three correct.
Five bonus points to Jon's team! WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS OK, on with the game.
Sean and Kevin to choose the letters.
Right.
I'll have a vowel, please, Rachel.
Thank you, Sean.
A.
And then another vowel, please.
E - And another vowel, please.
- U.
And another vowel, please.
I And then the rest consonants, please.
And then N, D, G, P, and M OK, and your time startsnow.
Rebecca.
What have you got? Erm I got a seven, I think.
- Jon? - I also got seven.
Sean Three.
LAUGHTER Kevin, how many did you get? Risky six.
A risky six.
- OK, Sean, what's your three? - MAP.
LAUGHTER I've got the next bit.
ING.
MAP-ING MAPING? Similar thinking - he would go for the bit, I'd put the -ING in.
I wasn't prepared to risk it.
- Is MAPING in the dictionary? - No, sadly not.
OK.
Rebecca, what was your seven? DUMPING KEVIN: See, I had the -ING but I was just really needing a DUMP.
LAUGHTER Jon I have DUMPING as well.
Well, seven points to Jon and Rebecca.
APPLAUSE Joe, Susie, could they have done any better? Er They could.
There was an eight.
IMPUGNED.
So at the end of that, Jon and Rebecca are in the lead with 32 points! APPLAUSE Time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
What have you got, Joe? - Well, Jimmy - GIGGLING Jimmy-jams.
I, erm On a previous appearance on the show I wrote an e-mail to the head of Network Rail.
I didn't get a reply, so I e-mailed him again - I wrote "Dear Mark.
"I contacted you many months ago about an unfortunate situation "I had in London Euston, "where I needed to use the lavatory but didn't have the required funds.
"I'm still yet to receive a reply, "I imagine because you intended to reply to me "at 1204, then got slightly delayed till 1206, "delayed further to 1220 "and ultimately decided to cancel entirely.
"You will be pleased to know "I've since incinerated the trousers I was wearing that day and murdered all witnesses.
"I thank you for your stoic silence in this matter.
"Now I have your e-mail address, "I thought I may offer some guidance on how to improve Network Rail, "and the rail service in the United Kingdom in general.
"I have put my suggestions below, "which I hope you will act on without delay, "although you struggle with the phrase 'without delay.
' LAUGHTER "1.
Rail fares should not represent the length of the journey, "but the quality of the destination.
LAUGHTER "For example, a trip to beautiful rural Yorkshire might cost you £40.
"Whereas a trip to Milton Keynes should cost 40 pence.
LAUGHTER "People should be completely reimbursed for all travel "if they choose to leave Coventry.
LAUGHTER "'Mind the Gap' is a confusing phrase.
It should be replaced with - "something like 'Look out, there's a fucking train coming.
' - LAUGHTER "Wi-Fi should be free to everyone on trains, not just first class, "and it should be called Wi-Dial Up to accurately describe the speed.
"Oh - now I understand why you didn't reply to my last e-mail.
"It's still downloading.
Alas, you'll probably receive this "in the third millennium.
Thank you and goodbye, Joe Lycett.
"PS, I've attached a flattering drawing I just did "of what I think you look like naked.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE JIMMY GUFFAWS Nice! OK, the scores at the moment - Sean and Kevin have 7, Jon and Rebecca have 32.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And here's your final teaser.
The words are NIPS PLAY, the clue is - get straight to it.
That's NIPS PLAY - get straight to it.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were NIPS PLAY, the clue was get straight to it.
It was, of course, SNAPPILY.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Rebecca, your turn to choose the letters.
Can we have, um, two vowels? E and A Lovely.
Two consonants? Yeah.
T and G And then - after you.
Oh, another vowel, please.
I Then a consonant, please.
An N, please.
W Got a great six if we can get an N.
- Let's keep going, then, with the consonants.
- OK.
S - Any good? Keep going? - One last go.
- N And another consonant.
- Yeah! - Yeah! - APPLAUSE And your 30 seconds starts now.
LOUD CLANKING ALARM SOUNDS I think that's broken.
How many did you get, Rebecca? Uh, I got eight.
- Jon? - I also got eight.
- Sean? - Six.
- Six, OK.
- And Kevin? - Umeight.
Sean, your six.
GIANTS He likes you.
What? I need some spares.
They can do my laugh.
JIMMY LAUGHS THEY LAUGH LIKE JIMMY LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE This show is fucked up.
Kevin, what was your eight? For some reason, I thought there was a second "I" in there, so I've not got anything, Jimmy, sorry.
- Sorry, Sean.
- Jon, what was your eight? Uh - SWEATING.
And another one, but I think you've got that one.
- What did you get, Rebecca? - I got SWEATING and I got SWATTING.
Is that what you got? SWEATING and SWATTING.
Eight points to Jon and Rebecca.
Joe, Susie, could they have done any better? There is a nine, which is TWANGIEST.
- TWANGIEST? - TWANGIEST, yes.
APPLAUSE OK, so Sean and Kevin have 7, Jon and Rebecca have 40.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Time for today's not-so crucial Countdown Conundrum.
This is just for you to save face, really.
OK, your time starts now.
Anyone? Not even close? BUZZER NEWSAGEN Let's have a look and see.
It was, of course, NEWSAGENT.
Oh! Oh Let's not get carried away with the celebration, there.
After the time.
We thought we'd let ourselves down and we sort of rescued it at the last minute.
- Well done.
- Could have been quite humiliating, couldn't it? The final scores are Sean and Kevin are rubbish, they had 7 points.
Tonight's winners, with 40, Jon and Rebecca! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations.
You're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown baby bouncer.
Thanks to all our panellists, our studio audience, and to you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown - Sean Lock, Jon Richardson, Kevin Bridges, Rebecca Front, Joe Lycett, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host Jimmy Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, there are 50 trillion cells in the human body, or 100 trillion if you're a fatty boom batty, chunky monkey, wobble slob? In geometry, two objects are said to be congruent if they have the same size and shape.
For example, a bookie's pen is congruent with my penis.
And a nonagon is a shape with nine sides, whereas, a nanagon is the shape of a coffin with an old lady in it.
Right.
Let's get started.
Let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
Jon Richardson's now been married for almost a year.
The good news is, having spent a year living with Jon, NASA reckon Jon's wife is now psychologically capable of surviving the long trip to Mars.
And Jon's team-mate Rebecca Front! In January of this year, Rebecca starred in BBC One's big budget adaptation of Leo Tolstoy's War And Peace.
I'm sorry, Rebecca, but I didn't get a chance to see it, because I find that sort of thing boring.
I'm joking.
I love Tolstoy.
Woody, Buzz, Jessie - all the gang.
Up against them this evening it's Sean Lock.
Sean's a great friend.
It doesn't matter if you're planning to dispose of a body, slaughter some kittens or teach a nonce a lesson they'll never forget, Sean is certain to volunteer to help you out.
And joining Sean tonight, it's Kevin Bridges.
In 2010, Kevin released his debut DVD Kevin Bridges - The Story So Far.
It proved so popular in Glasgow, thefts of DVD players went up 50%.
Now, Kevin, you've just got back from studying in Madrid.
Yes, I just fancied doing something different.
I went over to Madrid to study Spanish for six weeks, Jimmy.
How's your Spanish, then? Give us a little bit, give us a taste of Spanish.
Necesito para comprar un tendedero, por favor.
I need to buy a clotheshorse, please.
I never knew, a clotheshorse, I never knew that was only a sort of British expression, so I tried to translate it into Spanish literally.
It was the first night, I had to go and buy a clotheshorse for my apartment to dry my clothes and in Spanish, you need to reverse the words, so I've had to Google translate Spanish for horse, which is caballo and clothes is la ropa, so I've walked into a shop, rehearsed it a few times, bang.
Opened the door and went and said, "Estoy buscando para un caballo para la ropa," which just means I'm looking for a horse for my clothes.
Excellent.
Sean, here's a question for you.
- Do you get on well with your neighbours? - Yeah, you know me.
Just Just ring on the doorbell, come in, I'll probably be baking.
And just hang out as long as you feel that you want to and when you feel it's time to go - brilliant! You said baking there, do you do much cooking at home? I do.
I cook a bit.
I'll tell you one thing that really annoys me is this current fashion for this pulled pork, this meat that falls off the bone thing.
It's just cooking overrated, I don't see the point of that.
It's like having a pork smoothie, isn't it? I want I like rare meat, something I have to gnaw on, like a cat on a pensioner's leg, "Grrr!" I was actually trying to order pulled pork in Spanish as well and I knew cerdo is Spanish for pork and I never knew how to say pulled, so I walked up to the door, and one side's obviously pull, one side's push, so I tested the door.
Empujar was to push and tirar was to pull, so I walked up and said, "Estoy buscando tirar el cerdo.
" "I'm looking for you to pull my pork.
" OK.
Rebecca, it's your first time on Countdown.
Are you going to be better at the letters or the numbers? What do you think? I'll probably be rubbish at both, but I'm not a numbers person.
I get a little bit of number panic, a little bit of that kind of, you know, too many numbers in front of me and I just freeze.
It won't be a full-on panic attack, let me just reassure you, but, yeah, I'll definitely be better at numbers, er, letters.
No, it'll be fine.
It's all going to be fine.
- It's all going to be FINE.
- OK, she's having a breakdown, let's move on.
This seems unlikely, but apparently you're a big fan of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
- Yes.
Why does that surprise you? - Er, you seem quite clever.
You come across as very bright, you're always in very sort of high-quality things and that's sort of a You didn't see War And Peace, it's very similar to Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
No, I think it's because it reflects, quite accurately, my own life.
You know, I'm married to a major hip-hop star and, you know, sex tapes and the naked Actually, it's nothing like my life, that's why I like it.
It's nothing like my own life.
- Jon, who was your first crush? - Er Cheetara from ThunderCats.
That's a very good choice.
Sean's cooking chat got me going a bit actually.
My first proper crush was on one of the dinner ladies at school.
I called her Chef.
And at night-time, sometimes - she lived on my estate - I used to cycle round to her house and just look at it.
I was wondering when you were going to make it creepy.
I was a ten-year-old girl at the time.
You used to cycle round and look at her house? Not right outside the house, that would've been weird, but at a point nearby where she might have seen me out of the window and thought, "Look at that pensive intellectual "on his bike, just thinking about life.
" - Yeah, that's not weird(!) - Jon, have you got a mascot this evening? Yeah, well, it's more a movement really.
I love politics and I just think now is the best time for politics in the world.
I just think there's some amazing people about and I've been inspired.
I won't tell you who's inspired me, but someone has inspired me, so I'm launching my Make Countdown Great Again campaign and it's just really about pushing standards forwards by threatening to chin people.
And I think, you know, you put this hat on and you realise, Jimmy, and I know you'll have realised this, there are too many American words in our dictionary and I, frankly, have had enough.
All the sodding - they're over there - four seasons pizza.
It's a four series pizza and it always was.
So I've built a wall between myself Between myself and the dictionary there.
It also keeps out Kevin Bridges, a Spanish speaker.
Yes, I did Spanish at university, so technically we're on the same team, brother.
You used a para earlier and you didn't need it, but I didn't say anything because I'm not a dick.
But if you say buscando, you don't need a para, you just buscando it, mate.
I said, "Necesito para comprar," but comprar is an infinitive verb You can just say, "Necesito comprar.
" "I need to buy" All right.
But the buscando was fine? I wouldn't use it with the buscando either.
"Estoy buscando" I don't think I did, though.
I think it was only with the comprar.
Yeah.
It's a lovely word.
It sounds like we're talking Spanish.
- OK.
Rebecca, have you got a mascot? - Yeah, I have got a kazoo, because kazoos, actually, are quite significant in my family.
My father, quite genuinely, quite often walks around with a kazoo.
I mean, not obviously, but sort of in his pocket.
He's got a kazoo in his pocket? Anyway, so kazoos are quite a big thing in our family.
Can you give us a bit of kazoo action? I thought what could be handy, see, is if we need to play for a bit of extra time, then I could just do the SHE PLAYS COUNTDOWN THEME And just keep extending it, extending it and nobody would know the difference.
Fine.
Yeah.
Kevin, have you got a mascot? No, actually, I had a bit of a drama.
I bought Sean a gift, because I knew we were going to be on the same team.
So in the airport, returning home from Madrid, I got my Toblerone.
I was struggling to think of something to get, just to keep the team morale high, and Toblerone, nine letters, thought it was ideal, but I never got clearance in time from Toblerone, so And they thought we were going to be disrespectful about the brand.
- That's crazy! - So fuck you, Toblerone! Yeah, Toblerone.
The only reason the Swiss make chocolate is so we don't associate it with blood diamonds and Nazi gold.
So fuck you, Switzerland as well.
- Here are some backup mascots.
- Oh, yeah.
Sure.
Sure.
- Aeroplane.
Sean, that's for you, mate.
- Oh! - My God! A phone.
Stole that off the Deal Or No Deal set.
Mirror, so Toblerone can go and take a long, hard look at itself.
OK.
Sean, have you brought a mascot? Well, yes, Jimmy, I think I'd revisit something very popular of mine, which is the gritty limericks.
I think we're all well aware that I've revived the limerick in its original form, which is as a piece of social commentary, a way of dealing with some quite sensitive issues in a light-hearted, fun way.
And I've got a few here.
This one is something I think upset a lot of people, which is the whales that got washed up on beaches here.
There once was a beach in Skeggy Where a whale was on its last leggy It was dampened by hose And pecked out by crows But still it ended up deady.
This one is about an issue that's obviously in the news a lot - only the other day it was - obesity amongst children.
Our kids, they're all getting fatter From eating food that's covered in batter With too many pies and no exercise They'll collapse face down in a meat platter.
And, you know, something we've all got to deal with.
This one - It was a troubling start to the year For celebrities who are no longer here With tears in our eyes They were falling like flies But sadly no-one from Top Gear.
- OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner we've got Joe Lycett.
- Hello! Joe is currently writing his first book.
Well, Joe, I hope it's not a book about something really dull that no-one wants to read about, because Susie's totally got that covered.
Joe, amazingly, you've been rubbing shoulders with Hollywood movie stars recently.
How on earth did this happen? - What's going on? - I went to the Oscars.
Oh! A friend of mine was nominated.
I don't know if you've heard of Leonardo DiCaprio? But he was also there.
No, a friend of mine, Jenny Beavan, who's a costume designer, she got nominated for Mad Max and she won it, so I went along and I stole her Oscar and I ran around pretending I'd won it, and lots of people were congratulating me.
- "I worked terribly hard, yes.
" - Who did you get to meet? Who was the coolest person you got to meet? Well, so we went to the Vanity Fair party and on the red carpet there, Lizo Mzimba from Newsround was there.
He was the Harry Potter correspondent on Newsround.
I was like, "It's bloody Lizo!" And that was my favourite one that I met.
He's a cool guy.
He's blocked me on Twitter, but he's a cool guy.
OK.
And with Joe, of course, it's Susie Dent.
Susie Dent once turned down Strictly Come Dancing, because the volume was too loud and she was trying to read.
Susie, Kevin Bridges is on the show tonight.
Are there any Scottish words or phrases you particularly like? ErmI love the way the Scottish make everything so dramatic.
You say something like, "Your bum's oot the window.
" - "Your bum's out the window.
" - KEVIN: "Your arse is out the window," yes.
- If you're talking rubbish - Sorry, what does your arse is out the window mean? SUSIE: You're just talking rubbish, isn't it? KEVIN: I think it just means, like, your arse is like out of the window.
But if you have got your arse out the window, you wouldn't need someone to go, "Oi, Kevin, just before anyone really notices" OK.
And in charge of the numbers it's Rachel Riley.
Rachel's been hosting a new science show for ITV.
Good luck with that, Rachel.
Watching ITV to learn about science is like watching Babestation to learn about feminism.
OK.
Rachel, we missed you, you were away.
Did you miss us? I didn't think I did, but a couple of nights ago, - I had a dream with a couple of you in it and it was quite weird.
- OK.
Tell me everything.
I got to this hotel that I've never been to before, but in my dream it was one I go to all the time, so I didn't bother checking in, I just had my key card and I thought, "I'll try the usual door.
" I went in, put my bag in, about to unpack when I realised that someone was already in the room and without turning round, I knew that it was Jon in the middle of the day with two girls.
For some reason the most unlikely thing about that is in the middle of the day with two girls.
It was just really weird.
Later on, you were there, in a robe, being a bit creepy and then, like It was, like, in this fictional, skyrise, new world and then the buildings just started collapsing.
JON: Typical, finally get my end away and the world ends.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown baby bouncer.
Let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Sean and Kevin, your turn to pick the letters.
- I'll take a consonant, please, Rachel.
- Thank you, Kevin.
L A vowel.
O Another vowel, please.
E A consonant, please.
Another consonant, please.
R A vowel.
U On you go, Sean.
Three to go, mate.
Vowel or consonant, a few letters to go.
Oh, God! Erm Oh! No, a vowel.
RACHEL: A vowel.
A SEAN: A consonant.
RACHEL: M SEAN: And another consonant.
RACHEL: And the last one S OK.
And your time starts now.
APPLAUSE I got carried away.
How many did you get, Jon? - A six.
- A six.
Rebecca? - I think a seven.
- Oh, fancy.
Sean? How many? Three.
- Kevin? - A six, mate.
All right.
Sean, what's your three? - TUM.
- TUM.
As in your TUM, TUM-TUM.
Is TUM a word, Susie? Yeah, I was just trying to tell Sean there was an S there available.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's definitely there.
I'm just looking up ARSOLE.
You've got a special pen for that.
TUM is fine, - but you could've put the S on for four.
- Didn't want to.
- Oh, OK.
Jon, you had a six.
MASTER or MUSTER as in BATE and D.
- Kevin, your six.
- This is going to sound dubious, mate.
I've miscounted the amount of letters in the word and it's actually a seven that I've managed to get.
What's your seven? - It's MORTALS.
- Rebecca.
- That's the same one as me.
- MORTALS? - First time out, pretty impressive.
- SUSIE: Very good.
APPLAUSE This is going to really get on your nerves, isn't it? I'm just going to stop.
Funny, isn't it, that Kevin thought he had a six and then we had a conversation about there being an S you could put on the end and then he had a seven.
Funny that.
Good job I'm here to make Countdown great again, or that might piss me off.
Well, 7 points to both teams.
Well done.
- Joe, Susie, could they have done any better? - Yes, absolutely.
They've failed us.
There was an eight, SOULMATE, you could have.
But there was also a nine, EMULATORS.
APPLAUSE Susie getting there.
EMULATORS.
Onto our first numbers around.
OK.
Rebecca, you choose the numbers.
I think I'll go for the classic combination, just the one big number and then all the other ones that are littler.
OK.
One big one and five, tried and tested, five little.
3, 9, 5, 4, another 9, and the big one, 50.
And the target, 952.
OK.
And your time starts now.
- Rebecca, did you get that? - Oh, no, no.
I was absolutely I was about 50 points off.
OK.
Jon, did you get it? - No, I got 953.
- Pretty close.
- Sean? - 949.
Not as close.
Kevin.
953 as well.
Kevin, how did you get 953? - 9 + 5 = 14.
- Yep.
14 + 4 = 17 - Plus 4 is 18.
- Sorry, start again.
Erm, Jimmy, can I change my answer, please? Let's go again.
Don't worry, Sean.
I'll just improvise here.
- Don't say that out loud.
- So, 18 x 50 is Come on, Rachel, we know that's right.
Just write it up there.
.
.
900.
Right.
What have we got left? A 9 and a 3.
3 x 9, add it on and there we go.
- 27 - 927, Jimmy, I meant to say.
Jon, how did you do it? 5 x 4 = 20 - RACHEL: Yep.
- JON: Minus 9/9 RACHEL: 9/9 for 1 is 19.
JON: Times 50.
RACHEL: For 950.
- JON: And add the 3.
- RACHEL: Yeah, one away.
953.
Seven points to Jon.
- Rachel, could it be done? - Yes, it could.
If you say 50 x 5 = 250 Take away a 9 and a 3 for 238, and times it by 4.
OK.
So Sean and Kevin have 7, Jon and Rebecca have 14.
And here is your teaser, the words are SEMI DONG.
The clue is - it's only small.
That's SEMI DONG.
It's only small.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were SEMI DONG.
The clue was, it's only small.
It was, of course, SMIDGEON.
OK, they've been playing in teams, so far, but this game is just for Sean and Rebecca.
So, Rebecca, your turn to choose the letters.
- Can I have a consonant to start with? - Thank you, Rebecca.
F And then another one.
D Then a vowel, please.
E And then two more consonants.
N Y Two more vowels.
O I - And the rest consonants, thanks.
- And S And the last one C OK.
And your time starts now.
EXPLOSION AUDIENCE GASPS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Rebecca, what did you get? I think I just sucked myself off.
Oh, dear.
My heart is actually thumping now.
So, Rebecca, what did you get? - I got a six.
- Six.
Sean? - Five.
- Five.
OK, what's your five? - NOISY.
- Rebecca, what did you get? - I got FIENDS.
- Fiends? So, six points for Rebecca.
Well done.
- OK.
Joe, Susie, could they have done any better? - Yes.
There was an eight, which was CONFIDES.
OK, so at the end of that, Sean and Kevin have 7, Jon and Rebecca have 20.
APPLAUSE Time now for Jon and Kevin to go head-to-head on the maths.
Kevin, your turn to pick the numbers.
One from the top, two middle, three bottom, please, Rachel.
- Jon, what's happened with your hat? - I sort of did this ironically, but I actually think I might be cool! It's a good look.
- You look awesome(!) - Yeah.
I feel awesome.
I feel like Backstreet's back.
All right(!) LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So, one from the top, five from the bottom.
- "I want it that way," Rachel.
- Yes! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You finally got it! You just got it.
Getting in with the lads there.
Yeah, you'll have to "tell me why," though.
Tell you why? Ain't nothin' but a heartache REBECCA PLAYS THE KAZOO You see? You'll all want one, now.
Won't you? Fuck you, Toblerone.
- One from the top, five from the bottom.
- All right.
2.
2.
8, 2, 9, 10 and 100.
- The target 147.
- Oh, my God! And your 30 seconds starts now.
So, the target was 147.
Jon, did you get it? No.
Kevin, did you get it? - I think so, mate.
Yeah.
- Jon, what did you get? Oh, just add them all up and that's what I got, mate.
OK.
So, Kevin, how did you do it? - It's actually much more difficult than it looks.
- Yeah.
100 + Are you again just freestylin'? Just, can I remind you of last time when it didn't work when you just freestyled? - I think I've done it.
- Sorry, Trump's got it.
It won't count.
I don't want the points.
I just want self-respect! 9 x 8 = 72 Yeah.
9 x 8 = 72 + 2 + 2 = 74 - Divided by - 2.
Yeah.
37.
- + 10 and + 100.
- Jesus.
37 + 10 + 100.
Very nice.
APPLAUSE Well, I'm happy to say, it doesn't count.
OK, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner.
Joe, what do you have for us? Well, Jimmy, last time I was on the show, I received a little bit of feedback from a viewer, who, for legal reasons, we're going to call Brian.
I received it at about 3am after the broadcast, the subject was 8 Out Of 10 Cars.
"Just saw you on the show and had to e-mail you to tell you, you are shit.
" LAUGHTER "Jimmy Carr is the best thing about that show by miles.
"You're not even remotely funny.
"Here's some advice: find another job.
You're a dick.
" "Please consider the environment.
Do you really need to print this e-mail?" What Brian did, foolishly, is he left his e-mail signature on from his workplace.
It's a solicitors.
So, I replied, "Dearest Brian ".
.
thank you for your e-mail regarding my recent appearance on 8 Out Of 10 Cars, "the spin-off show to the very popular 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
"I read with great interest your thoughts on Jimmy Carr, "he is indeed a fantastic comedian and broadcaster.
"As you left your address for your workplace on your e-mail signature "I've had it arranged for a signed photograph of Jimmy "to be posted to you to thank you for your feedback.
Yours, Joe Lycett.
" I also put, "p.
s.
I will now spend some time considering the environment "before printing your e-mails.
" He then sent me an e-mail very quickly back.
He replied, "Please don't send me any stuff, this is my workplace.
"Sorry about the last e-mail, I was drunk.
Brian.
" But, regardless, I sent him this picture, which is your picture with my autograph on it.
I then replied to him, "My beloved Brian, thank you for your apology, but it is unnecessary.
"If anything, I actually owe you an apology, as I've sent what is clearly my autograph "on a Jimmy Carr picture! "I practice my signature on leftover photographs of Jimmy and there must've been a clerical error.
"I've had Jimmy's signature sent to you first class this morning, "with my compliments.
Forever yours, Joe Lycett.
I also put, "p.
s.
I'm still considering the environment before printing your e-mail.
" He replied, "Please, please don't send stuff to my office.
"I'm sorry for sending the first e-mail, I was drunk.
" Too late, I'd sent him this.
That is how I sign my name.
He then replied, "Honestly, mate, what the actual fuck?!" "I've apologised and you're still sending stuff, "this is my workplace, man.
The glitter got everywhere.
" Oh, I added glitter to the envelope.
So, I replied, "OK, Brian.
I'll stop sending you stuff.
"I should tell you, I have finished my considerations as to the environment "before printing your e-mails and have decided to print them regardless.
"They are in the post to your offices and addressed to the manager.
" I got a one word reply from Brian, "Shit.
" Joe Lycett, everyone.
APPLAUSE The scores at the moment, Sean and Kevin have 7, Jon and Rebecca have 20.
And here is your teaser.
The words are SEEN TURD.
The clue is - put it in your mouth.
That's SEEN TURD - put it in your mouth.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were SEEN TURD.
The clue was - put it in your mouth.
It was of course DENTURES.
OK, before we get on with the game, time for a bonus round, a chance for our teams to win some extra points.
Sean and Jon have been working together for a long time, so tonight, we're going to test just how much they know about each other.
Jon, Sean, make your way to the podium for our version of Mr & Mrs.
It's Mr & Mr.
GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS APPLAUSE Can we have the sting again, please? They're taking their time getting here.
GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Did you walk Did you not - I've never played it before.
Sting again! GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Just one more time, he's on the way, he's on the way.
- I'm over here.
GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, stand No - No, obviously not.
- I've never played it before.
How do you play this? How do you play it, guys? - I don't know - If you can stand next to Jon there.
LAUGHTER How How the game is played.
You stand ominously .
.
just behind a smaller man.
He's stood in a position that leads you to speculate that our marriage might not be a Mr and Mr scenario.
That's better.
That's all I wanted, Jon.
You only have to ask, petal.
- So, Sean, I'm going to ask you some questions.
- Yeah.
Jon, you won't be able to hear them.
I'm going to ask you what Sean says.
So you've got to put on some ear defenders and go over and sit by Rachel, so if you stick on your ear defenders.
I've got some hummus and carrots.
So if you go and sit next to Oh, my God, we're back again I think it would be better LAUGHTER It would be better just to make sure LAUGHTER CHEERING He's all right.
LAUGHTER He seems happy.
OK, let's play Mr & Mr.
GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS APPLAUSE Here's your first question, Sean.
Which of these do you consider your best feature? Is it A, your physique, B, your smile, C, your eyes, or D, something else? LAUGHTER It's this, isn't it? My smile, it's my smile.
I'd say it is my smile.
Can we just, can we see you smile, just down the lens? Just I'm like a kitten in a brandy glass, aren't I? Certainly that would explain the discolouration.
What is the strangest job you've ever had, Sean? Er, well, I've had many strange jobs, Jimmy.
I used to be, I was a bingo caller, I was a bingo caller for while.
- Bingo caller, yes.
- But I refused to take part in any of that nonsense.
I pared it down.
So I just used to say stuff like, "This number doesn't remind me of anything.
"11.
" But I suppose the weirdest job I've ever had, I was a goat herdsman.
In France, in a goat farm.
Used to herd goats.
- Genuinely, you had that job? - Yes.
- OK, right.
Sean, if you could change any one thing about yourself, - what would it be? - The thing that I'm embarrassed about is I keep using my freezer as a holding pen for my bin.
If the bin's full, rather than take it out, I just put stuff in the freezer.
And then I forget about it.
And then I think to myself, "Oh.
" And then I want to freeze something, and it is just full of toxic, frozen waste.
A bit like some kind of post-apocalyptic environmental disaster.
- So, I think I should stop doing that.
- OK.
Jon, you can come back over.
- You're on.
- Come on over.
- All done? - All done.
GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS OK, Jon.
Time to find out how much you know about Sean.
Which of these does Sean consider his best feature? His physique, his smile, his eyes, or something else? Nice eyes LAUGHTER Smile? Er I'll say he said his smile.
DING The right answer! APPLAUSE OK, next question.
What does Sean think is the strangest job he's ever had? To make it easy I'll make multiple choice.
Is it a) museum tour guide, is it b) goat herder, or is it c) team captain on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown? LAUGHTER Well, he was definitely a goat herder, cos he's talked about that before and I listened.
LAUGHTER - Erm Goatherd.
- Goatherd? DING The right answer! APPLAUSE Two for two.
Final question.
If Sean could change any one thing about himself, what would it be? Would it be a) his fashion sense, b) nothing, or c) he'd like to stop using his freezer as a holding pen for his bin? LAUGHTER That's quite an oddrandom question to put in there.
LAUGHTER Something is leading me to believe that that came from his mouth rather than I think it might be the bin one.
DING The right answer, three for three.
APPLAUSE You know him so well.
Jon, you got three correct.
Five bonus points to Jon's team! WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS OK, on with the game.
Sean and Kevin to choose the letters.
Right.
I'll have a vowel, please, Rachel.
Thank you, Sean.
A.
And then another vowel, please.
E - And another vowel, please.
- U.
And another vowel, please.
I And then the rest consonants, please.
And then N, D, G, P, and M OK, and your time startsnow.
Rebecca.
What have you got? Erm I got a seven, I think.
- Jon? - I also got seven.
Sean Three.
LAUGHTER Kevin, how many did you get? Risky six.
A risky six.
- OK, Sean, what's your three? - MAP.
LAUGHTER I've got the next bit.
ING.
MAP-ING MAPING? Similar thinking - he would go for the bit, I'd put the -ING in.
I wasn't prepared to risk it.
- Is MAPING in the dictionary? - No, sadly not.
OK.
Rebecca, what was your seven? DUMPING KEVIN: See, I had the -ING but I was just really needing a DUMP.
LAUGHTER Jon I have DUMPING as well.
Well, seven points to Jon and Rebecca.
APPLAUSE Joe, Susie, could they have done any better? Er They could.
There was an eight.
IMPUGNED.
So at the end of that, Jon and Rebecca are in the lead with 32 points! APPLAUSE Time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
What have you got, Joe? - Well, Jimmy - GIGGLING Jimmy-jams.
I, erm On a previous appearance on the show I wrote an e-mail to the head of Network Rail.
I didn't get a reply, so I e-mailed him again - I wrote "Dear Mark.
"I contacted you many months ago about an unfortunate situation "I had in London Euston, "where I needed to use the lavatory but didn't have the required funds.
"I'm still yet to receive a reply, "I imagine because you intended to reply to me "at 1204, then got slightly delayed till 1206, "delayed further to 1220 "and ultimately decided to cancel entirely.
"You will be pleased to know "I've since incinerated the trousers I was wearing that day and murdered all witnesses.
"I thank you for your stoic silence in this matter.
"Now I have your e-mail address, "I thought I may offer some guidance on how to improve Network Rail, "and the rail service in the United Kingdom in general.
"I have put my suggestions below, "which I hope you will act on without delay, "although you struggle with the phrase 'without delay.
' LAUGHTER "1.
Rail fares should not represent the length of the journey, "but the quality of the destination.
LAUGHTER "For example, a trip to beautiful rural Yorkshire might cost you £40.
"Whereas a trip to Milton Keynes should cost 40 pence.
LAUGHTER "People should be completely reimbursed for all travel "if they choose to leave Coventry.
LAUGHTER "'Mind the Gap' is a confusing phrase.
It should be replaced with - "something like 'Look out, there's a fucking train coming.
' - LAUGHTER "Wi-Fi should be free to everyone on trains, not just first class, "and it should be called Wi-Dial Up to accurately describe the speed.
"Oh - now I understand why you didn't reply to my last e-mail.
"It's still downloading.
Alas, you'll probably receive this "in the third millennium.
Thank you and goodbye, Joe Lycett.
"PS, I've attached a flattering drawing I just did "of what I think you look like naked.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE JIMMY GUFFAWS Nice! OK, the scores at the moment - Sean and Kevin have 7, Jon and Rebecca have 32.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And here's your final teaser.
The words are NIPS PLAY, the clue is - get straight to it.
That's NIPS PLAY - get straight to it.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were NIPS PLAY, the clue was get straight to it.
It was, of course, SNAPPILY.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Rebecca, your turn to choose the letters.
Can we have, um, two vowels? E and A Lovely.
Two consonants? Yeah.
T and G And then - after you.
Oh, another vowel, please.
I Then a consonant, please.
An N, please.
W Got a great six if we can get an N.
- Let's keep going, then, with the consonants.
- OK.
S - Any good? Keep going? - One last go.
- N And another consonant.
- Yeah! - Yeah! - APPLAUSE And your 30 seconds starts now.
LOUD CLANKING ALARM SOUNDS I think that's broken.
How many did you get, Rebecca? Uh, I got eight.
- Jon? - I also got eight.
- Sean? - Six.
- Six, OK.
- And Kevin? - Umeight.
Sean, your six.
GIANTS He likes you.
What? I need some spares.
They can do my laugh.
JIMMY LAUGHS THEY LAUGH LIKE JIMMY LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE This show is fucked up.
Kevin, what was your eight? For some reason, I thought there was a second "I" in there, so I've not got anything, Jimmy, sorry.
- Sorry, Sean.
- Jon, what was your eight? Uh - SWEATING.
And another one, but I think you've got that one.
- What did you get, Rebecca? - I got SWEATING and I got SWATTING.
Is that what you got? SWEATING and SWATTING.
Eight points to Jon and Rebecca.
Joe, Susie, could they have done any better? There is a nine, which is TWANGIEST.
- TWANGIEST? - TWANGIEST, yes.
APPLAUSE OK, so Sean and Kevin have 7, Jon and Rebecca have 40.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Time for today's not-so crucial Countdown Conundrum.
This is just for you to save face, really.
OK, your time starts now.
Anyone? Not even close? BUZZER NEWSAGEN Let's have a look and see.
It was, of course, NEWSAGENT.
Oh! Oh Let's not get carried away with the celebration, there.
After the time.
We thought we'd let ourselves down and we sort of rescued it at the last minute.
- Well done.
- Could have been quite humiliating, couldn't it? The final scores are Sean and Kevin are rubbish, they had 7 points.
Tonight's winners, with 40, Jon and Rebecca! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations.
You're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown baby bouncer.
Thanks to all our panellists, our studio audience, and to you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.