All In The Family s07e08 Episode Script
Beverly Rides Again
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days I'll just scatter a few of these raisins around in here.
Yeah, yeah.
They look like the real thing, don't they? Yeah, hey, if I fell for this gag, I can't wait to see how Bunker's gonna fall for it.
Are you kiddin'? Archie's Old Faithful.
Remember the time he fell asleep in here watchin' the ballgame, and I cemented his shoes to the floor? Yeah, and the time you put the plastic vomit in his hat he got real mad at you.
Yeah, and then when you put the real spaghetti in his hat, and he thought it was fake, and he put it on? Hey, Pinky, I gotta hand it to ya.
When it comes to practical jokes, you're a regular genius.
Ah, half the credit goes to Bunker.
He's such a sap! All I have to do is tell him there's a mongoose in here, and his curiosity will get at him, huh? And I'll keep talkin', and wait till his face gets closer and closer.
When he gets his schnozz right down there to the cage Oh! Hey, Bunker's coming.
He just turned the corner.
Okay, you guys, you know what to do? Yeah.
Hi there, Harry.
Oh, hi, Arch, how ya doing? Hey, Mr.
Bunker.
Hey, Pinky's just telling us about the fight at the Garden last night.
Come on over.
Yeah, give me a beer, huh? Yeah, come on, Arch, sit down right here.
Oh, hey, what, do you think I was born yesterday? Sit there.
What, you got the chair wired or somethin'? Or maybe you got some glue spread on the seat there? What's the matter with you, Bunker, don't you trust me? Oh, oh, oh, jeez.
Here, take my chair.
I'll sit here.
Oh, all right.
Your chair? I'll sit down.
Go ahead.
So anyway, I figure I had my bet won, Yeah.
When Sugar Jackson pops up like a yo-yo at the count of eight.
What is this "danger" here? I'm sorry, Arch, that's mine.
What is it? It's nothin'.
It's a mongoose.
Mozzarella moves in for the kill.
Sugar Jackson surprises him with a left uppercut.
It says--Yeah, look at that, "mongoose.
" Says "mongoose" right on it.
Yeah, that's what it is, so don't touch it.
It's sleeping.
Mongooses don't like to be bothered when they're sleeping.
Well, what are you gonna do with it? I bought it for a birthday gift for my girlfriend Doris.
Oh, Doris, uh, she likes birds, huh? Arch, a mongoose ain't a bird.
It's a rare, exotic animal.
It eats snakes.
And it's real ferocious.
Yeah, so don't touch it.
Now, Mozzarella is down, see, and the referee is counti'' "six, seven, eight.
" I mean, I figured he could have counted to 6,000.
Yeah.
Wouldn't have made any difference.
Mozzarella's not getting up, know what I mean? You ain't got no mongoose in there.
Okay, Arch, there's nothing in there.
All I see is some doo-doos.
Those are droppings, Arch, rare mongoose droppings.
So, Mozzarella surprises me.
Just my luck, he staggers to his feet, the bell rings, and-- What the hell does a mongoose look like, anyway? It's a long, skinny thing.
It looks like a rat in a mink coat.
With fangs.
Oh, you guys seen it, huh? Oh, sure.
Yeah, yeah.
There's only a couple dozen of them in the world, and they're very temperamental and high strung, so don't fiddle around with it.
So how did you get one? An army buddy of mine sent it to me from Bombay.
What do you mean Bombay? Says on here "India.
" Well, that's where Bombay is, Arch, it's in India.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
He trains them to fight cobras, and the mongooses always win.
Oh, wait a minute, didn't I see that once in an old Frank Buck picture? Yeah, Bring 'Em Back Alive.
Yeah, little fast things that run around, yeah.
I never seen a real, live one there.
Let's have a look at it.
Yeah, let's see it again.
Come on, Pinky, I wanna look at it, too.
No, it's very dangerous.
What do you mean, dangerous? But Arch ain't seen it yet.
[ALL ARGUING.]
All right, all right.
What, is he back here someplace? That's where he's sleeping.
Now, just look, and listen to me.
Don't touch it with your fingers.
I ain't touchin' nothin' there.
You gotta get in real close to see it, see? I'll just tap this box and wake him up.
Now, watch closely, because he moves very fast.
[TAPS.]
Aah! It got me in the neck! Got him in the neck.
Which end gotcha, Arch? Get it out of here! Arch, you should have seen your face! Ah, what the hell are ya doin'? Nearly scared the life out of me over there.
Oh, Bunker, where's your sense of humor? What do you mean, humor? That ain't funny, that's dangerous there.
I'm sorry, Arch.
Ah, you ought to be sorry.
I apologize.
Yeah, yeah.
Come on, no hard feelings, huh? Let's shake.
Yeah, why do you do a thing-- [BUZZES.]
Oh! Don't laugh! That's not funny.
Oh, Arch, you always fall-- Go on and laugh.
I hope youse choke over there.
I ain't buyin' no more rounds of beers in here, I tell ya that.
You never bought a round for us yet, Arch.
Well, you just blew your last chance.
Ah, come on, Arch.
Hey, don't be sore.
Ah, you should have known better than that there.
Ah, but, Arch-- I don't wanna be with you guys.
Still pals, eh, Arch? [LAUGHING.]
Ah, to hell with youse.
Ooh.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh.
I'm coming! Hi, Mrs.
Bunker.
How do you do? Remember me? Beverly-- Beverly LaSalle! You do remember.
I'm so glad.
Well, come on in.
How could I forget you? You're the lady Archie saved, but you turned out to be a man.
Right.
Well, give me your coat.
My, you still look like a lady.
Well, I just finished dress rehearsal.
I'm on my way back to the motel, and I wanted to stop in and see you.
Well, sit down.
I'm glad you did.
I'm sorry it's such a mess, but I was just vacuuming, and I got it stuck under the TV.
Oh, can I help you? Oh, no, no, it's too heavy to lift.
Archie'll do it when he gets home.
Oh, it's not trouble.
Oh, no, you might strain something.
Don't be silly.
Uh, can you get the part now? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to hold it so long.
I just never seen a lady pick up a heavy TV.
Oh, I keep forgettin' you ain't a lady.
Oh, I mean you act like a la-- Oh, well, you know what I mean.
I know what you mean.
Yeah, well, sit down.
Thank you.
Do you realize, Mrs.
Bunker, it was exactly a year ago today that Mr.
Bunker saved my life.
That's right.
He gave you mouth-to-mouth in the backseat of his cab.
Right, and to mark the event, I want you and Mr.
Bunker to be my guests tonight for dinner, and after dinner you can come see me work.
Are you back at the new Pink Tiger? Yes, maybe it's coincidence, but they love me here in Queens.
Hey, Edith, I'm home.
Oh, Archie, guess who's here.
It's Beverly LaSalle.
Hi, Mr.
Bunker.
If it ain't Miss Mouth-to-Mouth.
Uh, did anybody see you comin' in here? Just me.
Nobody, good.
What are you doing back in town? You working here again? Yeah, at the new Pink Tiger.
Oh, I thought the cops closed that joint.
Yes, but it was reopened by the mafia.
Oh, swell.
Beverly wants us to go to dinner with her, I mean with him, and then go and see a show after.
Uh, well, to tell you the truth there, uh, Beverly, that, I, uh, you know, when I come home from work I get awful tired, you know, and I don't like to go out no place, so, uh, suppose we just say "nice to see ya, and hope to see you soon again," huh? Oh, come on, Mr.
Bunker, we've got to celebrate.
It's our anniversary.
Huh? Don't you remember? Oh, don't do that.
Don't do that, Beverly, huh? Now, it's not that I don't like to remember that, but, see--Why don't you put something on the table? We could have some supper here-- What the hell ya kick me in the butt for? 'Cause you got a sign on your back that says "kick me hard.
" Ah, jeez, that Pinky Peterson.
No wonder they was all laughin' at me over Northern boulevard there.
Jeez, I gotta get even with this guy.
Come on, what do you say, Mr.
Bunker? Dinner tonight at your favorite restaurant? Oh, no, I don't think so, uh, uh We ain't been out to dinner for a long time.
I don't think so, Beverly.
Please! No.
The treat's on me, Mr.
Bunker.
Just the three of us, unless there's someone you'd like to invite.
Well, no, it ain't that, Beverly, but that--I Well, you know, uh, there is a guy that [LAUGHS.]
Well, no, he'd never go for it.
[LAUGHS.]
Why the hell not? You're right.
Yeah.
Suppose I get this guy I know, and he could be your escort there, we'll go out like a four-tet, huh? Oh.
All right.
Let me run back to the motel and change, then.
Wait, wait, wait.
Change what? I'll get into a suit and tie.
No! No, don't do that! Stay just the way you are.
You look gorgeous that way.
But Mr.
Bunker, I've never been to dinner in a dress in my life.
Oh, no? Well, listen, this'll be the first time! Archie, who are you gonna invite? A guy.
A guy.
But Archie, he'll think Beverly is a girl.
That's the whole point, Edith.
I don't think we should do that.
Will you shut up? You don't have to cook dinner tonight, you're getting out of the house-- what the hell you care what happens when you're out? Harry? Hi.
Archie here.
Is Pinky Peterson hanging around there? You're gonna ask Pinky Peterson?! Shhhshh, you! Hi, Pinky.
Archie here.
No, oh, no, no.
Listen, listen, no.
That was all in fun, plenty of laughs and everything else.
And the "Kick Me" sign, did it work here.
I got in the door, Edith run up, and she give me a boot right where the sun don't shine.
Oh, she's hysterical, she's still laughing.
Laugh it up there.
Get in there.
Ha ha ha ha.
Yeah, hear that? Uh--uh-- Pinky, the reason I called is Edith and me would like you to go out to dinner tonight with us and an old friend of hers from out of town who's visiting here.
Oh, well, listen, to hell with the bowling.
You can bowl anytime.
We're going over to Hop Sing's.
Look, no, listen.
Doris? What's the difference? I mean, you ain't married to Doris, you can come along here.
It's gonna be swell.
Yeah? Good.
Good.
Yeah.
Listen, don't lose no time gettin' over here, Pinky, because have I got a girl for you.
Mr.
Bunker, this is deceiving a total stranger.
I can't go along with that.
Aw, come on.
And I don't think you should make Beverly do something she don't-- I mean he don't want to do.
Edith, I ain't got no time to argue with the two of youse.
Pinky's gonna be walking in that door any minute.
Take my word for it, this is gonna be an evening loaded with fun for everybody.
Don't do that! Stay with me, will ya? Listen, listen, Beverly, remember this-- I saved your life, and you owe me a favor.
You owe me, Bev.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
There he is.
There he is, now.
Come on, Edith, come on, get somethin' on, huh? Get a dress on, huh? Come on, get somethin' on.
But, Archie-- Go upstairs, get somethin' nice on.
Can't you make yourself look adorable like Beverly there? Go on up there! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
There he is, there he is! Sit down, sit down, huh? Sit down.
Jeez.
Remember, now, you're supposed to be an old school friend of Edith's from out of town.
Mr.
Bunker, I don't think I can get away with this.
Yes, you-- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll be there! Hold it.
You can get away with it.
Don't sit like that.
Cross your knees kinda cute there.
Point the toes like sexy there.
Can you do something with this here? Okay, okay there, fine.
Now, just sit there and relax.
Try and smile there.
You know, huh? All the charm you can give it.
Play easy to get.
Hiya there, Pinky.
Hey, Arch, what do you say? Come on in, Pink.
Hey, I want you to meet Miss Beverly LaSalle from out in Miniola Garden city way here.
This is Pinky Peterson from Sunnyside.
How do you do? Any friend of Edith's has got to be sweeter than the roses in Maine.
Hey, hey, hey, look at that, huh? The hand-kissin', ain't that class, see? He learned that down south.
He was a dog-catcher in Atlanta.
I'm gonna run upstairs and get a coat and a tie, just like you.
Just stay down here, and get acquainted, you know.
Hey, but don't move too fast too soon, Pinky.
You're out with a real lady tonight.
This girl's got a high school diploma.
So, you're Beverly LaSalle from out of town, huh? Is that your real name or your stage name? My God, you know! I recognized you the minute I came in.
I saw them puttin' up your picture today.
Oh, I'm so embarrassed, Mr.
Peterson.
I would have never done anything like this on my own.
Bunker put you up to this, didn't he? I knew he was up to somethin'.
I'm glad you know.
Now we can go out and have a good time, and I can go back to the motel and change.
No, no, now, look, since Archie lined this up, let's let him think he's pulling it off.
I don't understand.
Well, you see, I been pullin' the bum-jokes on him for years, and all he wants to do is get even with me.
And you'd let him? Are you kidding? I love that guy.
He's like a brother to me.
I really love him.
It'll make him happy.
Well, all right.
I owe it to him I guess.
If you're sure it'll really make him happyokay.
ARCHIE: Here we are.
Hey, you ready now? Yeah, we're starvin'.
All dressed up for a big night on the town.
Uh, Edith, you know Pinky Peterson from the lodge there.
Pleasure is mine.
Beverly, could I assist you there? Hey, hey, Pinky, you gotta be kinda swift with the gentleman stuff there, huh? Edith, come on, get your coat on, huh? Edith, you look like Miss America.
Oh, thank you.
So do you.
ARCHIE: Hey there, Pinky, we're out with a couple of beauties tonight, huh? Oh, Mr.
Peterson, you shouldn't have ordered these.
They're so strong.
I'm getting so light-headed I may not be able to look after myself.
Whoopee, Edith.
If I drink anymore I'll get dizzy.
Just rest your lovely, little head right on my shoulder.
Ain't that nice, Edith? Don't that kinda take you back? No.
My, what broad shoulders you have, Mr.
Peterson.
You're in pretty good shape there yourself.
She's a lovely big girl.
I always liked gals with a little meat on their bones.
Yeah, rummage around there.
You'll find a lot more.
You know, it's evenings like this when I think of what a lucky guy I am.
Got my health, good friends, still got some of my hair, and now this.
Why, Mr.
Peterson, you don't know anything about me.
I know what I like, and I like what I see.
I'd like to be a fly on the wall when he sees the whole works.
Don't you think this has gone on long enough? We'll know when it's gone on long enough.
When? When Pinky comes after me with a club.
You were meant for me Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum I was meant for you Ba-bum, ba-bum-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum TOGETHER: Nature patterned you, and when she was done Archie, stop.
Excuse me, uh, Beverly, I'm goin' to the ladies room, would you like to come? Oh, I'd love to.
PINKY: Not too long, it'll be an eternity.
Wait a minute, how are we gonna do this? Sitting down.
You're like a plaintive melody Hey, you know, Pinky, you don't see that very often no more, you know? A guy singin' romantically to a girl.
See what happened? You started to croon to her, she went straight to the can.
Well, you know, I mean to splash a little water on the face, cool off there.
You have her breathless there.
You're in, buddy.
I really wanna thank you, Arch.
This is something new.
I never felt like this before.
Yeah, but isn't it a shame about poor Doris, you know, your sweetheart who loves you? She's gonna be broken-hearted.
Oh, Doris is the same old thing.
Beverly is something different.
In every way, buddy.
Can I see you for a minute? No.
Please? I gotta talk to you.
All right, excuse me there, Pinky, Beverly.
Edith's got a little pain over here or somethin'.
Archie, Beverly's had enough.
I think we should go home.
This whole thing may come to a beautiful finish any minute, but if it don't and we go home, the two of us go straight upstairs.
No coffee or crullers or nothin'.
We leave the downstairs to them, see? Now, we stay up there nice and quiet until Pinky has his heart attack.
Oh, no.
No, no, we ain't gonna do that.
Wait, wait-- Mr.
Peterson, I got somethin' to tell you.
You see, Archie is playi'' a joke on you.
You can wait about five more minutes.
Go on, tell 'em, Archie.
All right, Edith, yeah, all right, it's a joke.
That's right, Pinky, it's a joke, and the joke is on you for a change, and a hell of a joke it is.
You mean that Beverly's a guy? Beverly-- [LAUGHS MANIACALLY.]
Did you say somethin' to him? I can never catch this guy at nothin'.
I got you again, Bunker.
ARCHIE: Ah, jeez.
You told me you wanted him to have his revenge.
You rat! Beverly, sweetheart, you're the only dame I ever loved.
I love you, I love you! [DORIS SCREAMS.]
Doris! Doris, I thought you was never gonna get here.
Oh, my God! Is this what you mean by going bowlin' with the boys? Doris, I can explain everything! Oh, Archie, you were so right.
Thank you for callin' me, and tippin' me off to this philanderer! Doris, I couldn't do nothin' else.
Archie, that was a terrible thing to do.
I had to stand by Doris here.
Doris, you don't understand.
Beverly, explain it to Doris.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Same time tomorrow night, Pinkums? Doris, Beverly isn't a lady.
Not if she's out with you, you crumb.
Oh, no, no, no, he means that she--I mean, he ain't a woman.
Yeah, show 'em, Beverly.
Should I, Mr.
Bunker? Yeah, go ahead, but be careful of the things you show, 'cause we could get locked up here.
All right.
Showtime! [DORIS SCREAMS.]
What is wrong--! It's a man.
Yeah.
You see, Doris, I wasn't out with a woman.
I was out with a man.
See, Doris? You almost married a closet fruit here.
Sickie! Sickie! You're a real sicko, Pinky.
You're a sickie! Doris-- So long there, sickie! Doris, please let me explain! Hey, give my regards to the mongoose there, sickie! [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Oh, Archie, stop it.
Ah Everybody's lookin' at you.
Oh, what the hell are they lookin' at? All they do is see a girl take a wig off and put it back.
What the hell are youse all lookin' at? Mind you business and eat your chinks over there.
We ain't goin' no place, Edith.
The food is comin', we gonna celebrate.
This is one of the greatest nights of my life! I finally got even with that guy! I gotta thank you two swell girls! MAN: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
Yeah, yeah.
They look like the real thing, don't they? Yeah, hey, if I fell for this gag, I can't wait to see how Bunker's gonna fall for it.
Are you kiddin'? Archie's Old Faithful.
Remember the time he fell asleep in here watchin' the ballgame, and I cemented his shoes to the floor? Yeah, and the time you put the plastic vomit in his hat he got real mad at you.
Yeah, and then when you put the real spaghetti in his hat, and he thought it was fake, and he put it on? Hey, Pinky, I gotta hand it to ya.
When it comes to practical jokes, you're a regular genius.
Ah, half the credit goes to Bunker.
He's such a sap! All I have to do is tell him there's a mongoose in here, and his curiosity will get at him, huh? And I'll keep talkin', and wait till his face gets closer and closer.
When he gets his schnozz right down there to the cage Oh! Hey, Bunker's coming.
He just turned the corner.
Okay, you guys, you know what to do? Yeah.
Hi there, Harry.
Oh, hi, Arch, how ya doing? Hey, Mr.
Bunker.
Hey, Pinky's just telling us about the fight at the Garden last night.
Come on over.
Yeah, give me a beer, huh? Yeah, come on, Arch, sit down right here.
Oh, hey, what, do you think I was born yesterday? Sit there.
What, you got the chair wired or somethin'? Or maybe you got some glue spread on the seat there? What's the matter with you, Bunker, don't you trust me? Oh, oh, oh, jeez.
Here, take my chair.
I'll sit here.
Oh, all right.
Your chair? I'll sit down.
Go ahead.
So anyway, I figure I had my bet won, Yeah.
When Sugar Jackson pops up like a yo-yo at the count of eight.
What is this "danger" here? I'm sorry, Arch, that's mine.
What is it? It's nothin'.
It's a mongoose.
Mozzarella moves in for the kill.
Sugar Jackson surprises him with a left uppercut.
It says--Yeah, look at that, "mongoose.
" Says "mongoose" right on it.
Yeah, that's what it is, so don't touch it.
It's sleeping.
Mongooses don't like to be bothered when they're sleeping.
Well, what are you gonna do with it? I bought it for a birthday gift for my girlfriend Doris.
Oh, Doris, uh, she likes birds, huh? Arch, a mongoose ain't a bird.
It's a rare, exotic animal.
It eats snakes.
And it's real ferocious.
Yeah, so don't touch it.
Now, Mozzarella is down, see, and the referee is counti'' "six, seven, eight.
" I mean, I figured he could have counted to 6,000.
Yeah.
Wouldn't have made any difference.
Mozzarella's not getting up, know what I mean? You ain't got no mongoose in there.
Okay, Arch, there's nothing in there.
All I see is some doo-doos.
Those are droppings, Arch, rare mongoose droppings.
So, Mozzarella surprises me.
Just my luck, he staggers to his feet, the bell rings, and-- What the hell does a mongoose look like, anyway? It's a long, skinny thing.
It looks like a rat in a mink coat.
With fangs.
Oh, you guys seen it, huh? Oh, sure.
Yeah, yeah.
There's only a couple dozen of them in the world, and they're very temperamental and high strung, so don't fiddle around with it.
So how did you get one? An army buddy of mine sent it to me from Bombay.
What do you mean Bombay? Says on here "India.
" Well, that's where Bombay is, Arch, it's in India.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
He trains them to fight cobras, and the mongooses always win.
Oh, wait a minute, didn't I see that once in an old Frank Buck picture? Yeah, Bring 'Em Back Alive.
Yeah, little fast things that run around, yeah.
I never seen a real, live one there.
Let's have a look at it.
Yeah, let's see it again.
Come on, Pinky, I wanna look at it, too.
No, it's very dangerous.
What do you mean, dangerous? But Arch ain't seen it yet.
[ALL ARGUING.]
All right, all right.
What, is he back here someplace? That's where he's sleeping.
Now, just look, and listen to me.
Don't touch it with your fingers.
I ain't touchin' nothin' there.
You gotta get in real close to see it, see? I'll just tap this box and wake him up.
Now, watch closely, because he moves very fast.
[TAPS.]
Aah! It got me in the neck! Got him in the neck.
Which end gotcha, Arch? Get it out of here! Arch, you should have seen your face! Ah, what the hell are ya doin'? Nearly scared the life out of me over there.
Oh, Bunker, where's your sense of humor? What do you mean, humor? That ain't funny, that's dangerous there.
I'm sorry, Arch.
Ah, you ought to be sorry.
I apologize.
Yeah, yeah.
Come on, no hard feelings, huh? Let's shake.
Yeah, why do you do a thing-- [BUZZES.]
Oh! Don't laugh! That's not funny.
Oh, Arch, you always fall-- Go on and laugh.
I hope youse choke over there.
I ain't buyin' no more rounds of beers in here, I tell ya that.
You never bought a round for us yet, Arch.
Well, you just blew your last chance.
Ah, come on, Arch.
Hey, don't be sore.
Ah, you should have known better than that there.
Ah, but, Arch-- I don't wanna be with you guys.
Still pals, eh, Arch? [LAUGHING.]
Ah, to hell with youse.
Ooh.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh.
I'm coming! Hi, Mrs.
Bunker.
How do you do? Remember me? Beverly-- Beverly LaSalle! You do remember.
I'm so glad.
Well, come on in.
How could I forget you? You're the lady Archie saved, but you turned out to be a man.
Right.
Well, give me your coat.
My, you still look like a lady.
Well, I just finished dress rehearsal.
I'm on my way back to the motel, and I wanted to stop in and see you.
Well, sit down.
I'm glad you did.
I'm sorry it's such a mess, but I was just vacuuming, and I got it stuck under the TV.
Oh, can I help you? Oh, no, no, it's too heavy to lift.
Archie'll do it when he gets home.
Oh, it's not trouble.
Oh, no, you might strain something.
Don't be silly.
Uh, can you get the part now? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to hold it so long.
I just never seen a lady pick up a heavy TV.
Oh, I keep forgettin' you ain't a lady.
Oh, I mean you act like a la-- Oh, well, you know what I mean.
I know what you mean.
Yeah, well, sit down.
Thank you.
Do you realize, Mrs.
Bunker, it was exactly a year ago today that Mr.
Bunker saved my life.
That's right.
He gave you mouth-to-mouth in the backseat of his cab.
Right, and to mark the event, I want you and Mr.
Bunker to be my guests tonight for dinner, and after dinner you can come see me work.
Are you back at the new Pink Tiger? Yes, maybe it's coincidence, but they love me here in Queens.
Hey, Edith, I'm home.
Oh, Archie, guess who's here.
It's Beverly LaSalle.
Hi, Mr.
Bunker.
If it ain't Miss Mouth-to-Mouth.
Uh, did anybody see you comin' in here? Just me.
Nobody, good.
What are you doing back in town? You working here again? Yeah, at the new Pink Tiger.
Oh, I thought the cops closed that joint.
Yes, but it was reopened by the mafia.
Oh, swell.
Beverly wants us to go to dinner with her, I mean with him, and then go and see a show after.
Uh, well, to tell you the truth there, uh, Beverly, that, I, uh, you know, when I come home from work I get awful tired, you know, and I don't like to go out no place, so, uh, suppose we just say "nice to see ya, and hope to see you soon again," huh? Oh, come on, Mr.
Bunker, we've got to celebrate.
It's our anniversary.
Huh? Don't you remember? Oh, don't do that.
Don't do that, Beverly, huh? Now, it's not that I don't like to remember that, but, see--Why don't you put something on the table? We could have some supper here-- What the hell ya kick me in the butt for? 'Cause you got a sign on your back that says "kick me hard.
" Ah, jeez, that Pinky Peterson.
No wonder they was all laughin' at me over Northern boulevard there.
Jeez, I gotta get even with this guy.
Come on, what do you say, Mr.
Bunker? Dinner tonight at your favorite restaurant? Oh, no, I don't think so, uh, uh We ain't been out to dinner for a long time.
I don't think so, Beverly.
Please! No.
The treat's on me, Mr.
Bunker.
Just the three of us, unless there's someone you'd like to invite.
Well, no, it ain't that, Beverly, but that--I Well, you know, uh, there is a guy that [LAUGHS.]
Well, no, he'd never go for it.
[LAUGHS.]
Why the hell not? You're right.
Yeah.
Suppose I get this guy I know, and he could be your escort there, we'll go out like a four-tet, huh? Oh.
All right.
Let me run back to the motel and change, then.
Wait, wait, wait.
Change what? I'll get into a suit and tie.
No! No, don't do that! Stay just the way you are.
You look gorgeous that way.
But Mr.
Bunker, I've never been to dinner in a dress in my life.
Oh, no? Well, listen, this'll be the first time! Archie, who are you gonna invite? A guy.
A guy.
But Archie, he'll think Beverly is a girl.
That's the whole point, Edith.
I don't think we should do that.
Will you shut up? You don't have to cook dinner tonight, you're getting out of the house-- what the hell you care what happens when you're out? Harry? Hi.
Archie here.
Is Pinky Peterson hanging around there? You're gonna ask Pinky Peterson?! Shhhshh, you! Hi, Pinky.
Archie here.
No, oh, no, no.
Listen, listen, no.
That was all in fun, plenty of laughs and everything else.
And the "Kick Me" sign, did it work here.
I got in the door, Edith run up, and she give me a boot right where the sun don't shine.
Oh, she's hysterical, she's still laughing.
Laugh it up there.
Get in there.
Ha ha ha ha.
Yeah, hear that? Uh--uh-- Pinky, the reason I called is Edith and me would like you to go out to dinner tonight with us and an old friend of hers from out of town who's visiting here.
Oh, well, listen, to hell with the bowling.
You can bowl anytime.
We're going over to Hop Sing's.
Look, no, listen.
Doris? What's the difference? I mean, you ain't married to Doris, you can come along here.
It's gonna be swell.
Yeah? Good.
Good.
Yeah.
Listen, don't lose no time gettin' over here, Pinky, because have I got a girl for you.
Mr.
Bunker, this is deceiving a total stranger.
I can't go along with that.
Aw, come on.
And I don't think you should make Beverly do something she don't-- I mean he don't want to do.
Edith, I ain't got no time to argue with the two of youse.
Pinky's gonna be walking in that door any minute.
Take my word for it, this is gonna be an evening loaded with fun for everybody.
Don't do that! Stay with me, will ya? Listen, listen, Beverly, remember this-- I saved your life, and you owe me a favor.
You owe me, Bev.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
There he is.
There he is, now.
Come on, Edith, come on, get somethin' on, huh? Get a dress on, huh? Come on, get somethin' on.
But, Archie-- Go upstairs, get somethin' nice on.
Can't you make yourself look adorable like Beverly there? Go on up there! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
There he is, there he is! Sit down, sit down, huh? Sit down.
Jeez.
Remember, now, you're supposed to be an old school friend of Edith's from out of town.
Mr.
Bunker, I don't think I can get away with this.
Yes, you-- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll be there! Hold it.
You can get away with it.
Don't sit like that.
Cross your knees kinda cute there.
Point the toes like sexy there.
Can you do something with this here? Okay, okay there, fine.
Now, just sit there and relax.
Try and smile there.
You know, huh? All the charm you can give it.
Play easy to get.
Hiya there, Pinky.
Hey, Arch, what do you say? Come on in, Pink.
Hey, I want you to meet Miss Beverly LaSalle from out in Miniola Garden city way here.
This is Pinky Peterson from Sunnyside.
How do you do? Any friend of Edith's has got to be sweeter than the roses in Maine.
Hey, hey, hey, look at that, huh? The hand-kissin', ain't that class, see? He learned that down south.
He was a dog-catcher in Atlanta.
I'm gonna run upstairs and get a coat and a tie, just like you.
Just stay down here, and get acquainted, you know.
Hey, but don't move too fast too soon, Pinky.
You're out with a real lady tonight.
This girl's got a high school diploma.
So, you're Beverly LaSalle from out of town, huh? Is that your real name or your stage name? My God, you know! I recognized you the minute I came in.
I saw them puttin' up your picture today.
Oh, I'm so embarrassed, Mr.
Peterson.
I would have never done anything like this on my own.
Bunker put you up to this, didn't he? I knew he was up to somethin'.
I'm glad you know.
Now we can go out and have a good time, and I can go back to the motel and change.
No, no, now, look, since Archie lined this up, let's let him think he's pulling it off.
I don't understand.
Well, you see, I been pullin' the bum-jokes on him for years, and all he wants to do is get even with me.
And you'd let him? Are you kidding? I love that guy.
He's like a brother to me.
I really love him.
It'll make him happy.
Well, all right.
I owe it to him I guess.
If you're sure it'll really make him happyokay.
ARCHIE: Here we are.
Hey, you ready now? Yeah, we're starvin'.
All dressed up for a big night on the town.
Uh, Edith, you know Pinky Peterson from the lodge there.
Pleasure is mine.
Beverly, could I assist you there? Hey, hey, Pinky, you gotta be kinda swift with the gentleman stuff there, huh? Edith, come on, get your coat on, huh? Edith, you look like Miss America.
Oh, thank you.
So do you.
ARCHIE: Hey there, Pinky, we're out with a couple of beauties tonight, huh? Oh, Mr.
Peterson, you shouldn't have ordered these.
They're so strong.
I'm getting so light-headed I may not be able to look after myself.
Whoopee, Edith.
If I drink anymore I'll get dizzy.
Just rest your lovely, little head right on my shoulder.
Ain't that nice, Edith? Don't that kinda take you back? No.
My, what broad shoulders you have, Mr.
Peterson.
You're in pretty good shape there yourself.
She's a lovely big girl.
I always liked gals with a little meat on their bones.
Yeah, rummage around there.
You'll find a lot more.
You know, it's evenings like this when I think of what a lucky guy I am.
Got my health, good friends, still got some of my hair, and now this.
Why, Mr.
Peterson, you don't know anything about me.
I know what I like, and I like what I see.
I'd like to be a fly on the wall when he sees the whole works.
Don't you think this has gone on long enough? We'll know when it's gone on long enough.
When? When Pinky comes after me with a club.
You were meant for me Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum I was meant for you Ba-bum, ba-bum-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum TOGETHER: Nature patterned you, and when she was done Archie, stop.
Excuse me, uh, Beverly, I'm goin' to the ladies room, would you like to come? Oh, I'd love to.
PINKY: Not too long, it'll be an eternity.
Wait a minute, how are we gonna do this? Sitting down.
You're like a plaintive melody Hey, you know, Pinky, you don't see that very often no more, you know? A guy singin' romantically to a girl.
See what happened? You started to croon to her, she went straight to the can.
Well, you know, I mean to splash a little water on the face, cool off there.
You have her breathless there.
You're in, buddy.
I really wanna thank you, Arch.
This is something new.
I never felt like this before.
Yeah, but isn't it a shame about poor Doris, you know, your sweetheart who loves you? She's gonna be broken-hearted.
Oh, Doris is the same old thing.
Beverly is something different.
In every way, buddy.
Can I see you for a minute? No.
Please? I gotta talk to you.
All right, excuse me there, Pinky, Beverly.
Edith's got a little pain over here or somethin'.
Archie, Beverly's had enough.
I think we should go home.
This whole thing may come to a beautiful finish any minute, but if it don't and we go home, the two of us go straight upstairs.
No coffee or crullers or nothin'.
We leave the downstairs to them, see? Now, we stay up there nice and quiet until Pinky has his heart attack.
Oh, no.
No, no, we ain't gonna do that.
Wait, wait-- Mr.
Peterson, I got somethin' to tell you.
You see, Archie is playi'' a joke on you.
You can wait about five more minutes.
Go on, tell 'em, Archie.
All right, Edith, yeah, all right, it's a joke.
That's right, Pinky, it's a joke, and the joke is on you for a change, and a hell of a joke it is.
You mean that Beverly's a guy? Beverly-- [LAUGHS MANIACALLY.]
Did you say somethin' to him? I can never catch this guy at nothin'.
I got you again, Bunker.
ARCHIE: Ah, jeez.
You told me you wanted him to have his revenge.
You rat! Beverly, sweetheart, you're the only dame I ever loved.
I love you, I love you! [DORIS SCREAMS.]
Doris! Doris, I thought you was never gonna get here.
Oh, my God! Is this what you mean by going bowlin' with the boys? Doris, I can explain everything! Oh, Archie, you were so right.
Thank you for callin' me, and tippin' me off to this philanderer! Doris, I couldn't do nothin' else.
Archie, that was a terrible thing to do.
I had to stand by Doris here.
Doris, you don't understand.
Beverly, explain it to Doris.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Same time tomorrow night, Pinkums? Doris, Beverly isn't a lady.
Not if she's out with you, you crumb.
Oh, no, no, no, he means that she--I mean, he ain't a woman.
Yeah, show 'em, Beverly.
Should I, Mr.
Bunker? Yeah, go ahead, but be careful of the things you show, 'cause we could get locked up here.
All right.
Showtime! [DORIS SCREAMS.]
What is wrong--! It's a man.
Yeah.
You see, Doris, I wasn't out with a woman.
I was out with a man.
See, Doris? You almost married a closet fruit here.
Sickie! Sickie! You're a real sicko, Pinky.
You're a sickie! Doris-- So long there, sickie! Doris, please let me explain! Hey, give my regards to the mongoose there, sickie! [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Oh, Archie, stop it.
Ah Everybody's lookin' at you.
Oh, what the hell are they lookin' at? All they do is see a girl take a wig off and put it back.
What the hell are youse all lookin' at? Mind you business and eat your chinks over there.
We ain't goin' no place, Edith.
The food is comin', we gonna celebrate.
This is one of the greatest nights of my life! I finally got even with that guy! I gotta thank you two swell girls! MAN: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.