Curb Your Enthusiasm s07e08 Episode Script

If Sammi doesn't want to take clarinet anymore, she doesn't want to.
- I don't wanna push her.
- You're the one who pushed it, not me.
- God, where's the tissues? - I don't know.
I'm having an allergy attack.
What is this? What is this, Jeff? Whose panties are these? - Uh - What the fuck is this? It's your car.
What are these doing in there? All right, pull the fuck over.
Pull over.
I really hate shopping for pants.
- What's worse than trying on pants? - Exactly.
I think those are gonna look great once they're hemmed.
- How do they feel? - Good.
All right.
What the hell's going what's what's this? It's the fire alarm.
Yeah, we need to leave.
But I left my pants in the dressing room.
Jesus.
Hey, what's going on? Fire alarm.
- That's it? - Yeah, gotta be thorough.
- Is that your name? - Yeah.
- Krupke? - Mm-hmm.
- Really? - Yeah, Matt Krupke.
- You're Officer Krupke.
- I am.
Familiar with "West Side Story"? - No, sir.
- What? There's a character in "West Side Story" named Officer Krupke.
- Okay.
- You're Officer Krupke.
- You never heard the song? - No, sir.
- You never heard that? - No.
- No? - No.
By the way, they wanted to say "fuck you," but in the '50s on Broadway, Sondheim, he couldn't write "fuck you.
" So "krup you" is a substitute for "fuck you.
" - Mmm.
- Has anybody ever said "krup you"? - No.
- Huh.
Some guy told me to go fuck my face once.
He went to jail.
Okay.
How much longer? - An hour, maybe two.
- Really? If tech wants to get in there, it could be two hours.
Are you kidding? I'm not gonna wait that long.
- Okay, thank you.
- Thank you.
Hold on, hold on.
Come here.
Come here, shh.
I got in a lot of trouble with Susie.
I need your help so bad.
She found a pair of panties in my glove compartment.
Oy vey ist mir.
Are you kidding me? - No, I am not kidding you.
- How the hell did you do that? I forget they were even in there.
I forgot - but here's where I need your help.
- Man, oh man.
I told her they were your panties.
- So you're good? - What do you mean they're my panties? No no, I told her that they're your panties, that you like wearing women's panties.
- What? - Yeah, that's what I told her.
I told her you like wearing women's panties.
Where the fuck did you come up with that? What does that mean? I think it's pretty brilliant, actually.
You're gonna cover for me, right? Please please please? You're gonna cover for me? They're your panties, right? I-I can't I can't go in there.
- Why not? - I'm embarrassed.
- Nothing to be embarrassed about.
- I've got panties on.
- Only she knows.
- How am I supposed to act now? Normal.
Panties up here, not you don't have to really wear them.
You just know you've got them on and maybe you're a little more comfortable than normal.
A little more at ease.
Maybe a little little kinder.
- Help me, please.
- This is really odd.
- But we're pals.
I would do it for you.
- This is very odd.
Odd yet brilliant.
Completely and utterly brilliant.
My best one ever maybe.
- All right.
- You're a friend.
You're a fucking friend.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Come on.
God.
Yeah, I bet, exactly.
Well, is the architecture not happening right now? - Hey, Larry.
- Oh, hey, Jeff.
- Hi, hey.
- Hello hello hello.
Hey, Virginia, hi.
- Dennis, hello.
- It's nice to see you.
It's a pleasure.
- How's the golf game? - Good good, yeah.
Larry, you have a security tag on your pants.
Oh, yeah.
That's weird.
Why? Well, Virginia, if you must know, I was at Banana Republic and a fire alarm went off.
- Uh-huh.
- And I was just waiting and the store didn't open back up, so I just thought I'd take off.
But you know what was amazing, when I was outside the store, I was talking to an officer and his name was Krupke.
- Uh-huh.
- And he'd never heard of the character from "West Side Story.
" - Isn't that unbelievable? - Unbelievable.
Yeah, I had to sing the song for him.
All right, all right.
Enough enough.
I know all the lyrics from "West Side Story.
" - Really? Fascinating.
- Yeah.
- Amazing.
- I know the whole thing.
It's interesting.
Sometimes you think you know somebody, but you really don't know them at all.
Hey, Larry, I'm auditioning for the reunion show, for the "Seinfeld" reunion show tomorrow for the part of George's ex-wife.
She'd be great.
- Don't you think she'd be great? - I really hope I get it.
Huh, okay.
So before Larry walked in, you were telling me the story of how you met.
Go ahead.
I wanna hear.
- It was great.
- All right, okay.
- I was building this strip mall - Hold it a sec.
I really have a hard time with "how we met" stories, okay? - So I'm gonna - Well, I wanna hear it.
- We don't have to tell it.
- No, you can hear it.
I find it cloying and annoying.
Well, fine.
I wanna hear it.
They were in the middle.
I wanna hear it.
Why don't you go take a walk around the block, okay? By the time you're back, they'll be finished.
- Okay, fine.
- Fine, bye.
- Bye.
- All right, so? I was building a strip mall in Hesperia Let me guess how it ends.
- You get together in in the end? - Bye, Larry.
- So you were the architect - And she was into real estate.
- Lemonade.
- Mister, come here.
- We have the best lemonade.
- You wanna buy some lemonade? Hi, selling lemonade, huh? - Yep.
- Good for you.
Good for you.
You're entrepreneurs.
Hey, mister, did you steal those pants? No no no, l I didn't steal them.
An alarm went off in the store and I had to leave the store.
I mean, don't they want your pants back? I have to bring them back and I'm going to, but I didn't steal.
Anyway, I'll have some lemonade.
- How much is it? - A buck.
A buck? Fine.
Thank you very much.
Here you go.
Are you kidding me? Oh my God.
This is awful.
I'm not even joking.
Who made that? - Us.
It's beautiful.
- You made it? - Give me my money back.
- No.
- You can't.
- I want my dollar back.
Just get out of here if you don't like it.
Fine, I'll get out.
It's terrible.
- You stink.
- You stink! I'm gonna report you guys for that.
- Go ahead! - I'm going to.
- Turd! - Loser! - Bald asshole! - Get outta here! Mom! Couldn't stand another "how we met" story? - Is that it? - No, I couldn't.
Oh, God.
What are you looking at? What? I'm not looking at anything.
- What are you, self-conscious? - No, you're looking me over.
I was not looking you over, paranoid.
Don't know what you're talking about.
- Hi.
- Hi, Susie.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Are you the gentleman who was just talking to my kids out there by the lemonade stand? I was by the lemonade stand talking to some youngsters.
Because apparently some guy came over and started making fun of their lemonade.
- Yeah? - Was that you, perchance? - Guilty.
- What what's wrong with you? I think they deserve an adult critique.
If they're gonna charge a dollar and give you this much lemonade I felt a little ripped off.
- You knew it was kids at a stand - Right, it's kids.
selling lemonade.
Your choice.
The stand needs a little supervision, that's all I'm saying.
You know what? They're in that little kid bubble.
They're buds, and you just you know, just piss all over it.
I didn't piss on the buds.
No, I helped the buds.
I'm helping the buds grow.
- I'm good for buds.
- Stay away from the buds, Larry.
- May I be excused? - Get the hell out of here.
Let me tell you something.
Yeah, you.
You talk to my kids again, calling the cops.
Duly noted.
Hi.
Virginia Sloan.
- Please sign in.
- Okay.
- Virginia.
- Cheryl.
Oh my God.
You're auditioning? Yeah.
For the same part, how strange.
- Oh my God, are you here for Amanda? - Yeah, I am.
- Hmm.
- That is so weird.
Why would you have to audition? It's based on you.
Well, you know, I think it's a part part of the process that - I don't know.
- That's weird that he would make you Larry was explaining it to me.
- Hey, how's Dennis? - He's really good.
- Is he? - He's really good, yeah.
You know, actually, I'm meeting him for lunch later today.
- Do you want to maybe join us? - I would love to.
- Yeah? - Yeah, catch up with you guys.
- I haven't seen you in forever.
- That would be great.
- I hate auditioning.
- Cheryl, you're next.
- Okay, I'm next.
- Good luck.
- Good luck to you.
- You don't need any luck.
- You're gonna get it.
- Well, who knows? Cheryl's here to read for Amanda.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi, Cheryl.
- Hey.
- This is - How are you doing? - Hey, I'm good.
- Why don't you go? - Go ahead.
- Okay.
- All right.
- All right.
- Hey.
- Hey, Larry.
This is weird.
Oh my God.
What's going on with that? Oh well, I was in a store yesterday.
I was going to I was just trying these on and then an alarm went off.
We all went out of the store, and I didn't feel like waiting around.
So I'm gonna return them today.
Why didn't you just wear your own pants today? 'Cause then I'd have to carry these around.
Now I don't have to carry anything.
He wears the pants instead of carrying the pants.
- That's smart.
- Yeah.
- Shall we get started? - Yes.
Why hold a hat when you could just put it on your head? - Wear a hat.
- Yeah, exactly.
But it's not a hat, it's a pair of pants with a security - So what? - Okay.
And so, I'm on an airplane and I'm on the phone.
- Right.
- Ahem, anytime? Ready? Hello? George? Oh my God.
Honey, you couldn't call at a worse time.
- I got the TiVo guy here.
- Oh my God, George, we're going through a really big storm right now.
Hold on, honey.
What? You need the warranty? Honey, let me ask you a question.
Do you know where the warranty card is on the TiVo? No no, I don't.
L hey, in case something happens to me I mean, it's really bad up here - Is it in the kitchen drawer by any chance? - What? I'm sorry, can't hear you.
What is that? What did you say? George, I just wanna tell you in case No, not you, honey, the TiVo guy.
Hold on one second.
for some reason if I don't make it The TiVo guy wants to know the name of the guy who installed this thing.
I don't know! I don't know his name.
- Was it Tom or something? - I just want you to know Or Don, something like that? Maybe Bill or James? - Oh my God.
- Wait wait, don't go.
- What? - No.
Oh, jeez.
Honey, no, I'm sorry.
You know what? The TiVo guy's gonna go.
- I'm never gonna get him again.
- It's just a TiVo guy.
Honey, call me back in 10 minutes, okay? - What?! - I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I love you.
George.
George! - Nice.
- That's it.
- Great.
- Very good.
Aw, it's a little nerve-racking in here with you guys.
- That was great.
- It's the same for everybody.
- That was great.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- I think you did great.
- Thank you.
- That was really good.
You're funny.
- All right.
- Great work.
- Thank you, Mark.
- Thanks for coming in.
- Thanks, guys.
So we'll talk later? - Yeah.
- Just a formality, right? - Yeah.
Okay.
Uh - Well done, Cheryl.
- Thanks, Jerry.
- I'll see you.
- Fantastic.
- Thanks, Cheryl.
- Thank you, Mark.
- Good to see you.
Bye.
- Okay, thanks.
- She's pretty good.
- Pretty good? - Yeah, she's pretty good.
- That was insane, okay? I mean, that was that was perfect.
- Perfect.
- Yeah, she was good.
- Really natural.
Nice solid reading.
- Everything we want.
I knew she was good, never knew she was that good.
I mean, she was great.
That was a great audition.
- Great.
- Should we move on? I think we can close up shop, to tell you the truth.
Well, I think we should see everybody.
I know, but, you know, no one's gonna beat that.
Honey, in case something happens to me I mean, it's really bad.
- Is it in the kitchen drawer by any chance? - What? I'm sorry, can't hear you.
What is that? George, I just wanna tell you just in case No, not you, honey, the TiVo guy.
for some reason I don't make it home The TiVo guy wants to know the name of the guy who installed this thing.
Ugh, I don't know.
I don't know his name.
Was it Tom or something? - I just I need you - Or Don, something like that? Maybe Bill or James? Oh, no no.
Jeez, honey, I'm sorry.
You know what? The TiVo guy's gonna go.
- I'm never gonna get him again.
- It is just a TiVo guy! Honey, call me back in 10 minutes, okay? - What? - I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I love you.
George! - That was great.
- Really good.
- Really great.
- No, it wasn't.
Really great, Virginia.
Thank you.
- Ugh, I hope it was okay.
- It was great.
I'm terrible at auditioning.
- No no.
- It was really good.
Thank you.
A pleasure.
- It was really nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
See you later.
Great job.
- Thanks.
See you.
- Bye.
- Wow.
- Nice.
You can see why she's gotten so much work.
- Yeah, she's terrific.
- That was like, "Hello, pro.
" You know, she she was good.
She was good, but honestly I know probably you think it's hard for me to be objective here, but I thought Cheryl was better.
I mean, this is Cheryl, this part.
She was on that plane.
She lived this part.
That was her.
Who cares who was on the plane? It's not a real plane.
It's not a real show.
It's not a real story.
You know, when we shoot this, they're gonna cut the plane in half.
It's not even gonna be a whole plane.
I believed Cheryl more than I believed Virginia.
Well, a girl like that, if you can get her, it's like "Let's get on board the Virginia Sloan, toot toot.
Next stop, Comedy Town.
" - Well - So it's it's I don't know what to tell you.
We're at loggerheads here.
Well, I guess we're in a tie-break situation then.
Mark? Look, I think Cheryl really set the bar at the time, but you cannot deny that that audition was outstanding.
I'd go with Virginia.
- She's an incredible actress.
- Incredible.
I can't believe she's even reading for something like this.
Yeah.
You know, it was amazing.
Look, believe me, you probably are gonna be better off because working with someone who you were involved with, you know, there could be some tension there.
You'll be glad that that there's no chance of anything happening with you and Cheryl.
You'll see.
Don't worry, Cheryl will be fine.
You're gonna be very happy.
All right, we'll go with Virginia.
Good, all right, we'll go with Have a nice day.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Welcome back.
- You remember me? I remember you from the fire.
- My pants were left in the dressing room.
- They were? 'Cause I couldn't hang around till the store opened.
And I need to pay for the ones I'm wearing.
Um I don't see they're not they're not here.
They're not here, so What are you how could they not be there? Every night they completely clean out the dressing room, and anything that's in there they put it in here in the lost and found and it's not it's not here.
- So you've lost my pants? - I'm I'm sorry, they're gone.
So how would you like to pay for those? Well, how could I pay for the pants if you lost my pants? That doesn't seem fair.
First of all, we didn't lose them.
They're gone.
There's a difference between lost and gone? - Yes.
Lost is different than gone.
- They're lost and gone.
If they're lost, they'd be here in the lost and found.
They're gone and that's the difference.
No, if they were lost, they wouldn't be there.
They'd be lost, which they are.
Okay, we have a sign in the fitting room that says that we're not responsible for any lost items.
Good for you.
I got a sign at my house, okay? It says "If somebody takes your pants, you take theirs.
" - That's my sign.
- That's a stupid made-up sign.
That doesn't exist.
Nobody has a sign like that.
Of course I don't have a sign like that.
I just made it up for the purposes of this discussion.
- It's obvious I made it up.
- I don't know what you believe.
You might believe these things you say.
So you might believe that I put up a sign in my bedroom that says "If you take my pants, I take yours"? So it's not that unfathomable.
Okay, you have to replace my pants.
I'm not gonna pay for these pants.
No, 'cause you're gonna walk around with a security tag on that and someone's gonna arrest you or something.
It's like a scarlet letter.
I'm happy to wear the scarlet letter.
Call me Hester.
- I won't call you Hester.
- Call me Hester.
I won't call you Hester.
You're not sir, you cannot leave with those pants.
Really? It's gonna follow you around, that sound.
- Larry.
- Hi.
- Did you just set off the alarm in there? - Yeah, I-I did.
What are you doing? I thought you were gonna get your other pants.
They they don't have my other pants.
They lost them, so I took these.
What did everybody say about the audition? - Um - Oh, no.
- I wasn't good.
- No, you were great.
- You weren't good, you were great.
- Oh, God.
But, I don't know, Jerry wants to give it to Virginia.
I'm so sorry.
- I thought this was a formality.
- I thought so too.
I thought it was a done deal.
- I thought so too.
- Oh, gosh.
- And I'm sorry.
I apologize.
- Virginia got it? I mean, she'll be she'll be great.
- I'm sure she's thrilled.
- She'll be okay.
She's not you.
I know, but I'm glad that she got it if I didn't get it.
- That's good.
- Ugh.
We actually all got together, Dennis and Virginia and me, and had lunch.
Got a little crazy, actually.
Dennis, after a few glasses of wine oh, you know, Virginia went to the bathroom and he asked me if I was interested in a ménage à trois.
I mean, I was I mean, I was a little flattered.
- I just thought you'd find it funny.
- Funny? - That's funny.
- That's funny? I don't find that funny at all.
Who does he think he is? - First of all, you're my ex-wife, okay? - Okay.
If you're gonna have a ménage with anybody, it's gonna be with me, not with him.
Why would I want to be in a ménage with you? Well, you wouldn't.
But if you're going to do it, I'd prefer that it would be with me, that's all.
Okay.
- He was serious? - Yeah, he was serious.
Yeah yeah.
Yes, it's more money.
It's a lot more money, but I can do it for you.
Hang on.
Yeah.
Look, I'll meet you in 20 minutes, all right? Right there at the site.
Hi, Larry, what's up? You asked my wife to be in a threesome? - Wife? - Yes.
- You mean ex-wife.
- Whatever.
- There's a difference.
- No, there is no difference.
You don't need to concern yourself with the difference, okay? All right, fine.
Yes, I asked your ex-wife if she would like to be in a threesome with my current wife.
- What is wrong with you? - What's it to you, Larry? - What's it to me? - Yeah.
Because I-I have feelings for her and I don't need you to defile her, okay? I would not be defiling her.
Whatever two people do, or three people do, in the privacy of their own homes is their own business.
Yeah, I've heard that bullshit.
She's not interested in doing anything in the privacy of your home, okay? - Oh, really? - Yeah, really.
That remains to be seen.
What does that mean? Larry, just because Cheryl is curious doesn't mean you have any right to get mad at me, okay? - Chill out.
- Curious? - Did you say curious? - Curious.
What are you talking about? - Hey.
- Hey.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
What do you mean nothing? What's all this fidget? What are you talking about? I'm talking about your underwear.
Uncomfortable or something? I have a little problem with my underwear.
All of a sudden out of nowhere? - Do you have a new brand or something? - Yeah, I do.
Really? Where'd you buy them? - Online.
- Online? That's a load of shit.
You don't know how to use a computer.
The last man on earth, but you don't know how to use a computer.
- How do you buy it online? - My assistant buys it for me.
Oh, really? From what website? - What site does she buy it from? - Hi hi hi.
- Larry and I gotta talk about some stuff.
- Yeah, I bet you do.
You always have to talk about some stuff.
Clearly she is not believing a word of this.
- I thought she was buying it at first.
- She's not buying it.
You botched the whole thing.
What are you doing? - It's crazy.
- I'm doing the best I can, you know.
I'm I'm trying to play like slight transvestite.
- Slight transvestite? - Yes.
It's a comfort thing.
Don't add a transvestite level to this.
A guy who wears women's underwear is is part tranny.
- He's not part tranny.
- He's part tranny.
No, you're crazy.
He wants comfort.
You're comfortable, that's it.
You're Larry David and you like comfort in women's panties, all right? - Simple.
- No, it's not so simple.
It's not so simple.
- Shh shh! - I don't know how to play that, - "I like the comfort of woman's panties.
" - That's it, that's all.
- How do you play - Ask me a question.
- Where do you get your underwear? - Many different places.
Stop overacting, just keep it on the down, okay? Come on.
All right? You're Larry David.
Who are you? - I'm Larry David.
- And what do you happen to enjoy? - I enjoy wearing women's panties.
- Perfect, that's it.
- I'm very comfortable with that.
- Very comfortable.
Listen, I got big fucking news.
Huge.
You ready for this? I got a call from Virginia.
She can't do the part.
She's in a neck brace.
- You're kidding.
- No.
- Oh my God.
- Yes, and you know what that means.
- Cheryl's gonna do the part.
- Cheryl's gonna do the part.
- This is fantastic.
- Yes, it's unbelievable.
What what happened? She wouldn't tell me.
I said, "What happened?" And she said, "It's not important.
" - Hmm.
- Yeah.
- Interesting.
- What? - As far as I know - Yeah? there's only two ways you can injure your neck.
Mm-hmm.
- One is a car accident.
- Yeah.
- The other's cunnilingus.
- Mm-hmm.
If it wasn't a car accident, she injured her neck going down on Cheryl.
- Cheryl? Oh my God.
- Yes! - They had a ménage à trois.
- You don't know that.
It could've been a car accident.
You don't know.
Let's check her car.
All right, let's check her car.
- All right, who are you? - I'm Larry David.
And what do you happen to enjoy? - I enjoy wearing women's panties.
- Let's go.
Hey.
What are you, an idiot? - I didn't sorry.
- Ouch.
- It's clean.
- Clean.
See anything? I don't see any damage at all.
Nothing.
- Cheryl.
- Cunnilingus.
Look out.
So I have some news.
Virginia can't do the part.
You're playing George's ex-wife.
I'm gonna play George's ex-wife? Are you kidding me? - Congratulations.
- And everybody's on board with this? - Jerry Jerry said yes - Yeah.
and you talked it over and - Yeah.
I can't believe you didn't call me as soon as you heard the news.
- I wanted to, you know, save it.
- This is so fantastic.
- Huh? - So I can tell my mom and everybody? Tell all your family.
Tell them all, yeah.
- And mention me when you tell them.
- I will mention you.
That's unbelievable.
Thank you.
- I kinda put the whole thing together.
- Thank you, Larry.
Wow, so what happened with Virginia? Why can't she do it? What an interesting question.
Why can't she do it? Well it seems as if Virginia hurt her neck.
- Mmm.
- Ooh.
How did she hurt her neck? Very good, very good.
- What? - You're good.
You're good.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You're gonna do very well in this part.
- How did she hurt her neck? - How did she hurt her neck? - We all know - Mm-hmm.
there's only two ways a person can injure their neck.
One is a car accident.
And she was not in a car accident because I checked the car.
- Okay.
- The other is cunnilingus.
And I submit she performed it on you in a threesome.
- Come on.
- What are you talking about? Listen, we're adults.
- Let's just get past this.
- Oh my God.
Because I told you about Dennis and the three-way.
- Please, stop.
- "There are two ways to injure" there are other ways to hurt your neck, Larry, besides having to go down on someone.
- That's ridiculous.
- Name one.
- You could painting.
- Painting? - Ugh.
- I never saw Michelangelo in a brace.
- Hello? - She doesn't believe me.
She's gonna leave me.
She's gonna leave me, man.
- I'm fucked! - All right, calm down.
She still thinks the panties are mine.
Jeffrey, where are you? I'll be right there.
Think of something, all right? Come on, man, I need your help! Okay, you know what? I have an idea.
- Really? - I do.
- Come over right now.
- It could work.
Man, fuckin' panties.
- I'm a fuckin' idiot.
- Okay, I'm coming over.
- That's that's the same guy.
- It is? - He used a bad word, Mom.
- Oh my God.
What a jerk.
It's a good plan, but it's just gotta be natural.
You can't just you know, it's gotta be natural.
- I understand that.
- Okay.
- Jeff? - Yeah? Virginia got in a really bad car accident.
- What? - Her neck is all fucked up.
- She's in a brace.
- She didn't get in car accident, okay? I saw her car.
There's not a scratch on it.
No, she did, Larry, okay? She was driving Dennis's car, asshole know-it-all.
His car's His car is all fucked up.
Who's that? Yes, ma'am, I'm looking for Larry David.
Come right in.
- Hello.
- Oh, hey, Officer Krupke.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Jeff, it's Officer Krupke.
- Oh, yeah, like from "West Side Story.
" - From "West Side Story.
" We received a call about you using obscenities against a woman and her children.
What? That's ridiculous.
I sang the song I sang to you.
I didn't say "fuck you.
" I said "krup you.
" - That's not the way they heard it.
- I was singing a song.
Where'd you get those pants? Banana Republic.
There's a security tag on those pants.
I traded them because they took my pants, so I took these.
- Give me the pants.
- What are you talking about? - These are my pants.
- Now.
- Okay, fine.
- You don't have to do this here.
I don't care.
Okay, here.
Oh my God! Jesus Christ! Who are you? I'm Larry David.
I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.
You gotta tell Susie I was in a car accident.