Futurama s07e08 Episode Script

Two two, three (humming happily) (Crunching, smacking) (Belches) Ugh! Fry! That's disgusting! What? You double-dipped! Geez.
Crew, you're working too hard.
Tell me about it.
For once, I thought it might be nice to do something in a social setting Finally get to know each other.
Why, I don't even know half your names! You, boy.
What do they call you? Most folks just call me orange Joe.
So, Professor, where are we gonna go? It's July, right? Let's wait three months and go to Oktoberfest! (All cheering) All right, baby! (Whooping) Bring on the beer! And the scantily-clad barmaids! And the more beer! Shh! (Playing refined version of "the beer barrel polka") Hey! I don't smell bavarian-style vomit.
Where's Oktoberfest? This is Oktoberfest the world's most sophisticated exhibition of German food, drink, and culture.
Exquisite.
Care for another, sir? No, I wouldn't want to ruin my Oktoberfest by becoming intoxicated.
What the hell is going on here?! Fry, quiet.
Oktoberfest is a classy celebration of how far humans have evolved.
You can all act like Jersey shore socialites, but at least Bender will party with me.
Right, buddy? Whoa, whoa, whoa! I enjoy partying as much as the next fellow, but this is Oktoberfest.
Good day, sir! Ach du freakin' lieber! A sausage contest, eh? Sounds like fun on a bun! Shut up! I said it first! Man: Bam! Also, ow.
Oh, my God, it's celebrity chef Elzar! Hey, Elzar, I've just recently started always having dreamt of being a sausage-making champion.
Can I get in on this? Sure, I don't care.
You bring your ingredients? You bet! (Snorts) Hold on there, chief.
Regular old pork ain't gonna win this thing.
You gotta get innovative with your meat.
See chef Fritz over there? He's only using the choicest cuts of hummingbird.
Murakami-San got his hands on a nice rack of angel wings.
Gonna grind 'em up into heavenwurst.
And me? I'm making my spice-weaseled bratwurst outta pork.
So you are using pork! Pork that's been aged for 3,000 years! Bam! Aw, man! I can't beat that with a Craigslist pig.
(Pig grunts) Sorry, grundy.
I'll have to kill you later for some other reason.
(Orchestra playing elegant music) (Grunting) Sit up straight! The countess Von Luftballoon is watching.
Ach! Man, all the fun has been taken out of this once-noble barf-a-palooza.
You just say that because you're primitive.
People in your day were backwards and crude.
Well, at least we were hammered! Oh, I'm as thirsty as a drunk.
Where do all these child-sized beers come from? See that magnificent heavily guarded cask? All the beer's in there.
(Slurps, sighs) (Spitting) Not all the beer.
(Drunkenly): Yay! Whoo-hoo! Fahrvergnügen! Kaiser permanente! Fru frusen gladje! Fry! You're embarrassing us! I don't care! I'm finally having fun! Hey, come on, you keister-meisters! Eins, zwei, drei, vier! Lift your Stein and drink your beer! Ich bin ein never! Oh! (Orchestra playing refined version of "the chicken dance") Whoa! Even with harps, that's still the famous Oktoberfest chicken dance! (All groaning, gasping) Oh, I almost forgot! (Chicken hats squeaking) Get das Booty up here, Leela! I brought his-and-her chicken hats! (Squeaks) Okay, that's it.
You are a boorish, primitive neanderthal! Neander-(Hiccups)-Thal? Yes.
And I've had enough! I'm breaking up with you! (Gasps) We were going out?! Whoo! I mean, nooo! And keep your stupid chicken hat, too! (Weeps quietly) and-and the worst part is, I had to have the breakup sex by myself! (Sobs) Fry, some of us have real problems.
I just learned there are people with fancier sausage meats than me! (Sobbing) I hate future Oktoberfest! It's supposed to be beer and bratwurst, not breakups and Boring thing! German narrator: For hundreds of years, Oktoberfest has been held here, in the fertile neander valley, where prehistoric man once hunted the majestic schnüfel-üfagus, or woolly mammoth.
To this day, paleontologists sometimes find entire mammoths frozen in the valley's icy glaciers, perfectly preserved for exactly Bender: Wait a minute Mammoth meat aged for 30,000 years? Prize-winning sausage meat, here I come! (Beeping rhythmically) I didn't know this ship had a mammoth detector.
You're drunk, Fry.
This is the elephant detector.
I just set it to "big and woolly.
" (Beeping) Mammoth ahoy! Uh, Bender? I smell burning tusk.
That's probably it.
Kill the engine.
(Bender grunting) (Grunting echoing) (Grunting with effort) (Grunting) (Chuckling) Wait till those judges get their hands on my mammoth sausage! (Whooping) (Screams) My hair is caught! Bender! Turn it off! (Yelling) Sausage is great, sausage is great Sausage, sausage, sausage Ziss sausage is great! You, mein robot, move on to the next round.
Shut up, judge, I know it.
Way to go, Bender! Can I try a piece? You can have yourself a whole big boy.
Mmm mmm! That's good.
Where's Fry? I don't know.
Last I saw, he was jumping up and down in my meat grinder.
By the way, you got a little something right there.
Mmm! This is the best sausage I've ever tasted! (Choking) Oh, my God! That looks like Fry's hair! Oh, come on, don't make jokes like that while I'm eating.
(Screaming) Poor Philip.
He looks so peaceful.
It's tragedy on a bun.
(Sobbing) I ate Fry! I broke up with my boyfriend and then I ate him! Oh, now, now, we've all been there.
The pain and guilt are too much! I can't go on knowing what I've done! (Belches, smacks) (Wailing): Oh, Fry! Can you really remove all my memories of Fry? Oh, they'll still be there, hon.
I'm just gonna snip the links between them and your conscious brain.
Like this one here: "Fry falls off zoo train.
" He thought he recognized one of the monkeys! What was I crying about? Oh, we were just cuttin' onions, honey.
Let's keep going.
Fry sits on a pie Fry finds popcorn in his belly button You eat a sausage made of Fry Fry gives you a chicken hat Aw, that's sweet.
Good morning! Geez, who died? I don't know how Bender and I do all this work by ourselves.
Maybe we should hire a delivery boy.
You mean like (Muffled): Fry? Bender, shh! We have to be careful not to remind her! What about my feelings? Fry was my best friend And now he's dead! (Sobbing loudly) Nah, I'm just kidding.
My pastor helped me through my grief.
(Humming happily) Bender's a jerk, but he's right.
We've all got to accept that Fry is gone forever.
Whoa Where happened? What am I? Sausage is great, sausage is great Sausage, sausage, sausage (Screaming) Whew! That was close.
(Screaming) (Chicken hat squeaks) Whew! (Yelling) (Groaning) (Muffled): Help! Boy trapped in ice! Oh, thank you, thank you.
(Gasps) (Trumpeting) (Growling) (Roaring) (Grunts) How you get frozen? Oh, I don't know.
I think I whanged my head pretty bad.
(Grunts) Look normal to me.
The last thing I remember is losing all my memories.
Who am I, one of you? Me think so.
Anyone dumb enough get stuck in ice probably neanderthal.
Neanderthal? Yeah, I think somebody called me that.
I'm kind of chilly.
I don't suppose you have a (Animal bleats) Ooh, still warm! So, what's this delivery to McPluto? and French frr agments of not potatoes.
Fragments of not potatoes? Yep.
They get a big shipment every fri Saturday! What's this? (Squeaks) Oh, it's some kind of chicken hat! It's cute.
So why does it make me feel I don't know sad? (Grunting) (Panting) (Snorting) (Sighs sadly) Why you stare at prehistoric pig butt? Because it makes me feel happy and confused and wistful and sad.
All neanderthal sad.
It in our nature.
Why? It all start 30,000 year ago, in fertile neander valley.
Gugg: Life for our ancestors peaceful until homo sapiens arrive.
We suggest interbreed, become one big happy species.
But they treat us like second-class hominid.
They drive us from valley, and we end up living here, in isolated crevice.
We figure, "whatever.
" But then we get trapped by encroaching ice age.
Now we sealed in, under sky of ice.
So my sadness makes perfect sense.
And I do have vague memories of people refusing to breed with me! (Cawing) A raven's brought word for you, sir.
Guys, guys! My sausage made the finals at Oktoberfest! We gotta go back for the closing ceremony! Oktoberfest? (Hat squeaks) Sounds like fun! Chief! Me find huge hole melted in ice, out past Cesar Chavez Ridge! Hole go all the way outside! This very interesting.
Maybe someone look into it, many years from now.
But, chief, this means we're not trapped any more! It's our chance to take back the outside world from those stuck-up homo sapiens with their tools and their pants and such.
My fellow big-brows! Are you with me? (Cheering) (Sighs sadly) You've been staring at that pumpkin for like, five seconds.
What's up? It's it's something about the color.
(Sniffles) Oh, boo-hoo.
Why are you crying now, you depressed lunatic? I don't know.
I should be happy.
Bender's sausage just won third place.
Third place? This is the greatest injustice Germany has ever committed! Ah, Leela, we meet again.
But this time I'm the one criticizing the sausage.
(Rumbling) Ah (Gasps) (Screams, gasps) (Trumpeting, war cries) Dear God, look at those hairy elephantés! Kill all modern humans! Hey, this guy's all right.
(Grunts) (Trumpeting) (Mammoths trumpeting) Battalion a, smash things! Battalion B, smash different things! (Yelling) (Gulping) (Panting, gulping) (Trumpeting) (Screaming) Aw, yeah.
Second place! Release the giant sloth! (Roars) (Screaming) (Screaming continues) (Takes deep breath) (Screaming) Do something! Fear not, Leela.
They may not have technology, like us, but we have something they don't have: Technology.
Behold our latest weapon, a revolutionary fleet of unmanned drones.
With men in them.
Then how are they unmanned? The men are just for ballast.
I control all the drones from this single unit.
Foolproof and durable, it's designed to withstand even the weight of a modern-day elephant foot.
(Mammoth trumpets, brannigan screams) (Men screaming) (Bored, sustained scream) (Screams) Ar, ar, ar! Chef Fritz, thank God you're all right! Oh.
Come with me, I'll protect you! (Laughs evilly) (Crackling) Neanderthals, load catapult! Up here in the clouds, our technology makes us invincible, like the mighty "x" in tic-tac-toe.
Look at those pathetic cavemen down there, loading their silly catapult with What is that, Kif? (Snarling, screaming) I believe it's a saber-tooth cat, sir.
(Screaming) I guess it's just me and you, chicken hat.
(Squeaks) Die, you primitive brute! (Trumpeting) (Primitive battle cry) (Battle cry) (Grunting) What do you neanderthals want? We want our land back! Also, to be treated as equals! And a little mating wouldn't hurt! (Hat squeaks) Orange? Purple? Do I know you? Have we met? (People screaming, weapons firing) (Mammoths trumpeting) What orange-hair doing with homo sapien? Uh Look like interbreeding.
(Grunting painfully) You want make love, not war? Jawohl! This change everything, tight-clothes-man.
We forgive homo sapiens for actions of stuck-up ancestors.
So be it.
In recognition of your overwhelming victory, let's call it a draw.
(Cheering) Fry? (Liquid gurgling) Leela? I didn't recognize you with your head all swollen.
But it looks better now.
I guess the blood must have rushed somewhere else.
Guys, guys! Chef Fritz accidentally got thrown down an icy slope! I'm the sausage champion! Whoo! No further questions! (People talking, laughing) (Playing polka) Man: Rounds for everybody! Ha! Yah! Yah! Yah! (Laughing) Now this is Oktoberfest! Just like the olden days.
I have to admit, your version is more fun.
(Band starts playing "the chicken dance") (Gasps) They're playing our stupid song! Care to join me? No, Leela.
Just this once, I'm going to let you embarrass me.
I'm goin' down to South park Gonna have myself a time friendly faces everywhere humble folks without temptation I'm goin' down to South park Gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor Headin' on up to South park, gonna see if I can't unwind [muffled.]
Come on down to South park and meet some friends of mine