Last Comic Standing (2003) s07e08 Episode Script
Episode 8
tonight, it's the most Important performance of their Lives.
America, please welcome your top Seven comics.
hi, I'm Myq Kaplan and I'm From Boston, kind of.
I'm Felipe Esparza.
I'm from the East Los Angeles Part of Los Angeles.
I'm Tommy Johnagin from Illinois, the birthplace of Funk.
I'm Roy wood, Jr.
I'm from Birmingham, Alabama.
Our biggest export is Ruben Studdard.
I'm Rachel Feinstein.
I'm from the urban jungle of Maryland.
I'm Mike Destefano.
I'm from the Bronx.
I still live in the Bronx.
Help me get out of the Bronx.
Hi.
My name's Jonathan Thymius, and I might look like the mayor of Ohio, but I'm also from the Bronx.
Ladies and gentlemen, please Welcome the man who thinks BP is A rapper from queens, Craig Robinson.
thank you.
Yeah! Yeah! Thank you.
Please have a seat.
Thank you and welcome Welcome to "last comic Standing.
" I am your host, Craig Robinson, Or as they call me in Hollywood, The black Justin Bieber.
Okay.
Tonight, we'll reveal the Results of last week's vote and Find out which comic is going Home and which comics will Remain in the running for a Quarter of a million dollars.
A spot on the last comic tour And the title of "last comic Standing.
" Now I'm going to introduce to You some incredibly powerful People.
Say hello to our judges.
Natasha Leggero, Greg Giraldo, And Andy kindler.
You are all so, so very Beautiful to me.
All right.
It's time to reveal some results Up in this piece.
Comics, step up to your destiny.
Last week, America voted.
And they voted hard.
The first comic who earned Enough votes to perform tonight Is Jonathan Thymius.
All righty.
Take a look at Jonathan, shall We? Hello.
Call me o'gram.
When I'm not doing stand up, I have my own business called Comedy o gram.
Comedy o gram is really cool.
Are you okay? My wife Liz is great.
She's been working hard and Supporting me in comedy and for The last 14 years.
Have a good day.
Thanks.
Yeah, I'm doing "last comic Standing" now for my wife Because I love my wife.
give it up for Jonathan Thymius.
is this groundhog day? Might be.
So you can probably tell by Looking at me I've been Exercising.
My right not to work out.
'cause I tell you, what is it? From one to ten, I weigh only Ten pounds.
On a scale of one to ten, I only Weigh ten pounds.
Anyway Hey, you know what? I'm wearing this arm band, you Know, because I for all the Memories of all the comedians That were memorialized on the Show.
It seems awful to kill all those Comics, but hey? Deal's a deal.
I didn't always want to be a Comedian, you know.
When I was little, I wanted to Be a cowboy.
But I couldn't stand the thought Of being milked every morning.
But now wouldn't bother me.
Whoa! Birds.
So I'm still in the scouts.
Not the boy scouts.
The midlife crisis scouts.
Last week we got merit badges For toupee weaving.
Next week we have to memorize All 50 prostates.
Anyway, I'm Jonathan thymius.
Thank you so much.
let's hear it for Jonathan Thymius! Judges, commence with the Judgery.
Andrew.
Wow! I'm just so happy I wasn't Eliminated.
That makes me very, very Because I could have been Eliminated would be the joke There.
Swept out the audience.
Jonathan, I love you come out, You have that patented look Around thing.
I don't know what you're looking At.
It's fantastic.
That joke you did, people didn't Get it, but on a scale of one to Ten, you weigh ten.
That's actually a fantastic joke People judging at home.
I love your I love your lack Of energy.
I love what you No, seriously.
And just the fact that you would Sit at a table and write down Birds.
I love that.
That would be the whole joke.
I love you as a human being and As a comedian.
Natasha.
Um, I didn't get milk a Cowboy.
But Cow.
It was a cow.
Oh, I thought it was a dirty Joke.
I think that I don't think I don't think Anyone else could get away with The jokes you're telling.
Legally? But you are.
It's absurd and silly and kind Of funny, I think.
So, yeah, that's my vote.
America, decipher that.
Jonathan, I think you have This old-school style.
It's something you don't see Anymore.
A guy that stays in character All the time, and I love that About you.
I've got to say I got the sense You've done a lot of sets Leading up to today, and I have A sense you may be running out Of theme at this point.
The set is not the best you've Had so far.
If you want Jonathan to be Rewarded for what he just did, Call 1-877-5-keep-01.
That's 1-877-553-3701.
Voting lines will be open for Two hours at the end of the Show.
Calls are toll free from Landlines.
We do not accept calls from Landmines.
We have to take a break.
When we come back, we'll find Out who's performing next and Who's going to punch a wall and Blame others.
Stay with us.
and we are back.
Tonight, six comics perform for Your votes, but one will be Eliminated and forcibly removed From this competition.
Let's find out who will be Performing next.
Give me lights and music, Please.
Last week, America finally voted For something.
And the comic who earned enough Of those votes to perform next Is Roy wood, Jr.
! Let's take a gander at Roy.
Well, well, well.
When I first started doing Comedy, my mom, she wasn't that Fond of the idea.
I want you to do what the Rest of us call fondly a real Job.
After a couple of years, my Mom realized how dedicated and Serious I was about stand-up.
Now my mom is my biggest fan.
Do me a favor, put this on.
I'm not wearing a sling, Okay.
I'll get votes if people Think you're crippled.
Mom is in a sling.
You have to vote for him.
You'll get the vote because They know you're crippling your Mom.
You're definitely not normal, But it's okay.
please welcome Roy wood, Jr.
! thank you.
I'm glad y'all doing all right.
I almost got pulled into some Drama this week.
I was at a fast-food spot.
This dude's order was messed up.
He tries to pull me into it.
He's mad.
I ordered five chicken nuggets And I didn't get but four Chicken nuggets.
You owe me another chicken Nugget.
You see what they're doing to Me, brother? That's what people do.
They pull other people into the Issue.
Now I have to join the nugget Coalition right now on the spot.
I don't know this dude.
I'm just saying, what are we Going to do? I'm not going to do nothing.
My burger is delicious.
I'm enjoying my burger.
That wasn't enough for him so he Tries to get racial.
I'm just saying, man, you need To do something.
You see what those white folks Are doing.
Got to stand up.
Racism? This is what you think the Klan Has been plotting at all their Meetings? This is the master plan.
This is how they're going to get Rid of black people, just starve Us to death one nugget at a Time, really? Doesn't make any sense.
Buddy of mine just had a kid.
I want some kids.
I want to have a big family.
Once I have kids, I want my wife To have six kids at one time.
That way we get free stuff from Other people.
You don't want to pay for child Care? Have all your kids in a group And take them on TV.
Look at all these babies we had At one time.
And people give you money.
They give you snacks.
They call the number and Everything.
I don't give money because most People that have that many kids At once, it's because they have Fertility.
They took fertility pills, which Is fine.
You want to take a pill to have A kid, fine.
Take a pill.
If you have more kids than you Can afford to keep, ha, ha, not My fault.
Don't get on TV begging for Snacks.
First of all, why do you have to Keep all the kids? Where's that a written rule? You just met them kids.
Take two or three.
You don't know these kids.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know which baby to keep.
Let America vote.
Put the kids on TV and put a Number.
Let Craig Robinson host it.
Welcome back to "last baby Standing.
" I'm your host, Craig Robinson.
I'm just saying, it's a double Standard in America, because we Only care about groups of kids That are in need if they're all Wearing the same shirt.
Six kids at one time, you get Kits from Oprah.
Six kids from five men, you're On Maury Povich for a paternity Test.
Okay, judges, judge this.
Roy, I think you're so funny And I feel like we give you any Topic and you would make it Hilarious.
You're really great.
I love you.
Nugget.
Nugget coalition.
Roy, you got this thing you Do where you're like a grumpy Old man in a young man's body, But it doesn't feel forced.
It's a very natural thing.
That set was about as tight and Great a set for a set of that Length that I could have seen.
That was a killer, killer set.
Great job.
I love you more than them.
Don't listen to them.
I'm really in love with what you Do.
First of all, thank you for Standing up to the white man Finally.
I like that.
I loved I love how Conversational you are.
I love your whole style.
I know you were kidding with That "last baby standing," but I Know people at "dance your ass Off.
" I think we should talk about That.
I think we could really make That go.
If you could smell what Roy Was cookin', pick up that phone And call 1-877-5-keep-02.
Once again, 1-877-553-3702.
Voting lines open at the end of The show.
You can also vote online at NBC.
Com.
Keep in mind, there's a limit of We'll be right back with the Video results of my colonoscopy And we'll find out who's Performing next.
Welcome back to "last comic Standing," the show which is Bigger than improv time.
Come on.
Hi, mama.
The performers you see on stage Tonight are all vying to win a Quarter of a million dollars and The title of "last comic Standing.
" Are you ready to watch them vie? Let's reveal some results.
May the force be with you.
Can I get a drum roll, please? You know what happened last Week.
America voted.
The comic who earned enough Votes to perform next is Myq Kaplan.
Take a look at this.
Hey, America.
I started out in show biz doing Music and now I have a song About me for you.
Enjoy.
I read, I eat, I watch the Best TV, I keep my laptop next To me I lie about my stds and I do comedy I walk outside I phone my grandmother I talk to my dad and mother I stalk and kill former Lovers and I do comedy that's what I do as a son I'm good also as a killer hiding bodies In the wood I'm kidding and sometimes I play music, But that's self-evident put your hands together for Myq Kaplan.
thank you, everybody, Sincerely.
Things have been going okay Recently, but I ordered some Nuggets, and they only gave me Four.
And they were made of chicken, And I don't even eat that, so This is great.
You guys like TV? It doesn't matter.
This joke's about TV.
I don't like all the reality Shows they have these days.
They're getting boring.
I wish they'd combine some.
Kids say the darnedest things When animals attack.
Something like that.
Thank you very much for Clapping.
I appreciate the noise that you Make.
I appreciate it.
I don't have any kids.
I was married, but I got out Alive.
And I think it's great.
I don't mind being divorced.
End in divorce.
That's one out of every two People.
So it's either going to be you Or your wife.
That's how the math works out.
You've got to do everything you Can.
I have a cell phone that takes Pictures.
You can have a picture pop up When somebody calls you.
Maybe you have a picture of the Person pop up? I don't do that.
I have a picture of my face Reacting to how that person Makes me feel.
Thank you again.
You guys are nice.
I'm nice to you.
I do what I can, but when I die, Here's the thing, I want to have My remains scattered over a Beautiful park.
I don't want to be cremated, Though.
Just have my body parts strewn About like a scavenger hunt for Fun, you know.
I like fun.
You guys seen the movie "final Destination"? If you haven't, fine choice.
Here is enough information to Make this relatable and Enjoyable to everybody.
It's about a boy, gets on a Plane.
The plane explodes.
Everybody dies.
The boy wakes up before that Happens.
It was a vision of the future.
He's like we've got to get out Of here.
They kick him off the plane.
So far, very realistic movie.
So he's off the plane.
It does take off.
It does explode just like he saw In his vision.
He cheated death.
Death follows him for the rest Of the movie, which is what Happens if you cheat death in a Crappy movie.
I get to the end of this hour And a half of my life.
What a crapfest.
I wake up in the theater before It started.
Like we've got to get out of Here.
This is going to blow.
So thank you guys very much.
You've been awesome.
Myq Kaplan.
Let him hear it.
Now let's find out what that did For the judges.
Mr.
Giraldo.
Mike, you get a lot of Applause breaks in your show.
A lot of your jokes get big Laughs and respectful claps, Which is a great thing.
You're a great performer.
It was a good set.
Myq, you remind me of a Younger version of me with more Jokes, better looking, more Confident, not really like me.
I love that you made people Laugh at a movie that isn't a Real movie.
You brought me along.
Great job.
I loved it.
Natasha.
You're very clever.
I think if this show was named "last comedy writer standing," You would definitely win.
If myq made you laugh the First time since the oil spill Dial 1-877-5-keep-03.
That's 1-877-553-3703.
Voting opens at the end of the Show and phone lines remain open For two hours.
By that time, Lindsay Lohan Should be out of jail.
Four comics left, one's going Home.
Don't act like you don't know How this goes.
We'll be right back.
And we're back.
We have four comics left.
Who will be eliminated? Who will perform next? The answer is written on this Card.
I shall read it now.
The comic who received enough Votes to perform next is Tommy Johnagin.
Come on.
Take a look at Tommy.
Hello, America.
I just want to let you know a Little about myself and the Other comics.
Everybody else lives on the Coasts and don't care about the Middle.
I eat in the middle, sleep in The middle.
I'm one of you.
We eat fried ravioli but call it Toasted ravioli so we don't feel Guilty.
I'm on the road 45-ish weeks a Year.
I like coming from small towns In middle America because I'm From middle America.
I'm America's comic.
And there's nothing more American than shucking corn over An American flag in a wife Beater.
Please make a loud welcome For Tommy johnagin.
thank you.
It's good to be here.
I had a pregnancy scare with a Girl a while back.
She had a pregnancy scare.
I just thought I had to move.
Way less scary.
Pregnancy comes up with women Even when it doesn't need to.
They get a belly ache, they're Sick to their stomach, they have A girlfriend, uh-oh, you know What that means.
It could mean she wolfed down Two helpings of lasagna.
I was with a girl.
She could be 8 1/2 months Pregnant wearing a maternity Dress.
My friends would be maybe it's Gas.
I saw the ultrasound.
There's a baby.
They'd be maybe she ate a baby.
Thank you.
You're right.
My little sister has a brand-new Baby.
She asked me to watch him.
I'm not going to watch her baby.
What about you having a baby Makes me qualified to take care Of one? You have to train two weeks to Be a busboy at applebee's and You're going to hand me your Infant? You're a bad mom already.
All I know is don't shake them And don't feed them chocolate, And I think the second one's for Dogs.
If you want kids, you've got to Be careful with your business as A guy.
I read the story where a dude Got into a car accident and his Thing popped.
I didn't even know it was Poppable.
I've got one and I've done a lot Of things to it.
Between 12 and 15, I was running A test facility.
Does that hurt, does that feel Good, can I smack it a little? No, yes, no, yes.
I never came close to popping It.
How is that not the slogan for Wearing your seat belts? Click it or ticket.
I'll take it.
But click it or your penis will Explode, not so much.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Tommy johnagin, ladies and Gentlemen.
Judges, give us your best Judgment.
Andy kindler.
Craig, I like what you're Doing, but you can take it up a Notch? You're hosting, but are you Hosting inside? Sorry, that was a mistake.
Tommy, you're unbelievable.
First of all, you're cocky.
I don't know if I can say that.
You're cocky and have good Posture.
I'm slumped over afraid to do my Material.
You pull it off.
You're confident and hilarious And by the way, my thing Detaches.
I don't know if that's Natasha.
Popping the penis, is that What it was? Yes, that's what it was, Natasha.
When do penises pop? I got it.
Okay.
Disgusting.
I hope you weren't making fun of America in that piece.
Okay, good.
I think you're real funny.
Thank you, Ellie Mae.
Tommy, you have tons and tons Of jokes.
I don't know if people realize.
To do as many sets as you have To do, it takes a lot of work to Hone and tighten them into Something and your sets have Been solid every single time.
That was a great set.
Very funny.
If you like Tommy and want to Put in the effort, dial That's 1-877-553-3704.
Voting opens at the end of the Show so you have a little Practice how you're going to Handle it.
We have to take a break.
Don't go away.
We have more results and I have Abandonment issues.
Stay with us.
Welcome back to "last comic Standing.
" We now offer free checking.
You know what? Let's forgo the niceties and get To the action.
Do you want to know which comic Is performing next? Oh, my God! Me, too.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
America, you voted.
So don't try to blame this one On Obama.
The comic who earned enough Votes to perform next is Mike Destefano.
Let's take a peek inside Mike.
I'm pretty much the same guy On stage as I am off stage.
I want people to know that it's Not an act.
What you see is what you get.
Don't cut the cubes.
On the outside I look tough And act tough.
Ma! You don't like them.
They're going to hurt.
She knows what she's doing.
Deep down I'm very tough.
See, I told you.
I'm putting my helmet on, ma.
Mani, pedi, performance.
Bye-bye, Mikey boy.
Good luck.
Here he is, Mike destefano.
thanks, everyone.
Thank you, thank you.
Look at those.
Nice.
All right.
So I was on drugs for a long Time, like 15 years.
This month I've been off them For 12 years.
My 12 years off of drugs.
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
Sometimes parents say, Mike, Will you talk to my kids about Not doing drugs? And I say no, I won't, because I Did drugs.
I don't know how to not do Drugs.
I did drugs longer than I'm off Them.
If they get on them, I can help Them get off them.
But I can help them understand.
Just tell them your life story.
All right, kids, gather around.
Uncle Mikey did heroin which Feels like you're naked in a Pool full of puppies.
Then I went to rehab and now I'm On national television.
So don't do that.
I don't know what to tell them.
It worked out for me.
I'm sorry! It's unbelievable.
It's crazy.
You know, kids say I love Young people, but you walk Around a lot.
You've got that stupid look of Hope.
It's not going to work out, you Understand? Bad stuff's comin'.
Get ready.
Your iPod's not going to help.
And the girls, I love you.
Stop worrying about your body.
This girl asked me, she was Skinny, do I look fat? I said I have memories that Weigh more than you do.
Relax.
If you don't like yourself, I Hate myself, will you love me? No, I'll just take your word for It.
I tell a girl I love you.
No, you don't.
I do, I love you.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No.
You know what? I don't love you.
I did.
I did love you, but you talked Me out of it.
I went into a Chinese Restaurant.
They had a suggestion box so I Wrote free Tibet.
Just a suggestion.
I don't know.
Thank you.
And the guys, you know, come on.
Toughen up a bit.
I heard two young guys standing On a subway platform.
One said, dude, I would die Without my blackberry.
I said, you promise? And then I took his blackberry And pushed him in front of the Train, so he was right.
He's dead without his Blackberry.
Thank you very much, you guys.
Appreciate.
Thank you.
Mike destefano, America! Judges, what was that like for You? Natasha.
Do you think I'm fat? Mike, I love you.
I just hope the people watching In prison can get to a hall Phone.
To vote for you.
You'll definitely win.
Greg Giraldo.
Mike, you're always funny.
Your jokes are always funny.
You're a funny character.
You're one of the few likeable Violent people.
Andy kindler.
I thought this was maybe your Best set yet.
I mean, you have stolen my Persona, but what can I do? I love what you did.
And now I want to do heroin, Too.
So thanks, Mike.
Thank you.
If Mike does the walk for You, get down on one knee and Dial 1-877-5-keep-05.
Once again, 1-877-553-3705.
If you're really modern, go to NBC.
Com to cast a vote.
There's a limit of 10 votes per Method.
When we come back, one of these Comics will be performing for Your vote.
The other will have to say Good-bye.
Stay with us.
Welcome back to "last comic Standing.
" I'm Craig Robinson, and I've got A date with destiny and Charisse And diamond and peaches, so Let's keep this show rolling.
Right now we only have two Comics left.
Of course, they both want this Last spot and the chance to win $250,000.
But it doesn't matter what they Want.
It only matters what America Wants.
One of you will be performing.
One of you will be going home.
After last week's nationwide Vote, which excluded Samoa, Poland and Amish country, the Last comic who will perform Tonight is Felipe Esparza! Congratulations, Felipe.
You go backstage.
Sorry, Rachel.
Sorry.
You have to go home.
But you do.
But look, let's take a look at The good times we had.
Love you, Rachel.
Not fair.
America didn't vote for me.
It's not the last you guys are Going to hear from me.
It is not over.
I do want to thank the people That did vote for me and that Did vote for me and responded to What I was doing.
I'm going to keep doing it, Because I have no other skills.
let's hear it one more time For Rachel Feinstein.
Now it's time for our final Comic of the night.
My momma, she always thought That I was funny.
I'm expecting a lot from him.
I know he can do it.
She's my son.
She's the world to me.
I love her.
More than anything.
More than being the "last comic Standing.
" But I still want to win.
This is my pre-show workout East L.
A.
Style.
Let's do this.
I'd like to start out lifting Weights.
Mom is just what I need after a Hard workout.
She's my personal trainer, Therapist, good luck charm.
I got my workout, my burrito.
It's showtime! Put your hands together for Felipe Esparza! first of all, thanks for Voting for me.
Oh, man.
I don't like the stereotypes About Latinos.
We're not all hard workers.
Believe me, this brown can do Nothing for you.
The Arizona law is crazy.
But if I get deported, which Will be by mistake, I'm going to Say the same thing I say when I Get kicked out of a club.
But, sir, I was already in There, though.
My friends are in there.
She still has my credit card.
I'm a weekend dad, so I see my Kid on Saturdays.
Sometimes my son shows up too Soon, like around noon.
My mom lets him in my room.
No respect.
You know how 5-year-olds are, Trying to wake you up, yelling At you right in your ear.
Daddy, I want cereal.
Daddy, I want cereal.
He goes to the other side.
Daddy, I want cereal.
I want cereal, dad.
Me, I'm in deep sleep.
I'm about to close a deal with These two hot chicks.
I'm talking to them.
So you going to go home with me? I want cereal.
How about you? I want cereal, too.
Man, there are people gang Banging on the Internet.
Some guy scares me.
Where you from? I was all scared.
I even sent him a scared smiley.
Thank you very much, ladies and Gentlemen.
Felipe Esparza! Let's see if the judges will Validate you.
Greg.
Felipe, thank you for making Me feel better about my Parenting skills.
Great jokes.
You cut your hair.
Now you're going all Conservative, right? I like the clean-cut look.
That was a solid set.
Andy kindler.
Well, Felipe, I said it Before, the crowd loves you, Which usually makes me Suspicious, but I think they Might be loving you for the Right reasons.
This thing you're doing, I think It's like your a Milton Berle Who really likes to touch Himself.
You're an original.
You really are.
Nobody can do it like you're Doing it, so great job.
Natasha Leggero.
Felipe, half the time I don't Know what you're saying, but It's always funny.
Thank you.
if you want to see Felipe Share the joy, dial Once again, that's Voting lines open at the end of The show.
Remember, these toll-free Numbers are 877, so dial like You mean it.
For those of you who can't Remember what you like, let's Take one last look at all of Tonight's performers.
When I was little, I wanted To be a cowboy.
But I couldn't stand the thought Of being milked every morning.
This is the master plan.
This is how they're going to get Rid of black people.
Just starve us to death one Nugget at a time.
I wish they would just Combine some.
I'd like to see a show, "kids Say the darnedest things when "Animals attack.
" the only thing I know about Babies is don't shake them or Feed them chocolate and I think That second one's for dogs.
I went into a Chinese Restaurant.
They had a suggestion box, so I Wrote free Tibet.
Oh, man.
I don't like the stereotypes About Latinos.
We're not all hard workers.
The voting lines are now Open.
You have a chance to change the Future.
Voting by phone is open for two Hours.
Be patient if you can't get Through right away.
You can vote online at NBC.
Com.
There's a limit of 10 votes per Method.
Next week, we'll find out which Five comics will compete for the Title.
It's our final performance show.
And your last chance to vote Before we coronate a winner.
See you next week.
Good night.
America, please welcome your top Seven comics.
hi, I'm Myq Kaplan and I'm From Boston, kind of.
I'm Felipe Esparza.
I'm from the East Los Angeles Part of Los Angeles.
I'm Tommy Johnagin from Illinois, the birthplace of Funk.
I'm Roy wood, Jr.
I'm from Birmingham, Alabama.
Our biggest export is Ruben Studdard.
I'm Rachel Feinstein.
I'm from the urban jungle of Maryland.
I'm Mike Destefano.
I'm from the Bronx.
I still live in the Bronx.
Help me get out of the Bronx.
Hi.
My name's Jonathan Thymius, and I might look like the mayor of Ohio, but I'm also from the Bronx.
Ladies and gentlemen, please Welcome the man who thinks BP is A rapper from queens, Craig Robinson.
thank you.
Yeah! Yeah! Thank you.
Please have a seat.
Thank you and welcome Welcome to "last comic Standing.
" I am your host, Craig Robinson, Or as they call me in Hollywood, The black Justin Bieber.
Okay.
Tonight, we'll reveal the Results of last week's vote and Find out which comic is going Home and which comics will Remain in the running for a Quarter of a million dollars.
A spot on the last comic tour And the title of "last comic Standing.
" Now I'm going to introduce to You some incredibly powerful People.
Say hello to our judges.
Natasha Leggero, Greg Giraldo, And Andy kindler.
You are all so, so very Beautiful to me.
All right.
It's time to reveal some results Up in this piece.
Comics, step up to your destiny.
Last week, America voted.
And they voted hard.
The first comic who earned Enough votes to perform tonight Is Jonathan Thymius.
All righty.
Take a look at Jonathan, shall We? Hello.
Call me o'gram.
When I'm not doing stand up, I have my own business called Comedy o gram.
Comedy o gram is really cool.
Are you okay? My wife Liz is great.
She's been working hard and Supporting me in comedy and for The last 14 years.
Have a good day.
Thanks.
Yeah, I'm doing "last comic Standing" now for my wife Because I love my wife.
give it up for Jonathan Thymius.
is this groundhog day? Might be.
So you can probably tell by Looking at me I've been Exercising.
My right not to work out.
'cause I tell you, what is it? From one to ten, I weigh only Ten pounds.
On a scale of one to ten, I only Weigh ten pounds.
Anyway Hey, you know what? I'm wearing this arm band, you Know, because I for all the Memories of all the comedians That were memorialized on the Show.
It seems awful to kill all those Comics, but hey? Deal's a deal.
I didn't always want to be a Comedian, you know.
When I was little, I wanted to Be a cowboy.
But I couldn't stand the thought Of being milked every morning.
But now wouldn't bother me.
Whoa! Birds.
So I'm still in the scouts.
Not the boy scouts.
The midlife crisis scouts.
Last week we got merit badges For toupee weaving.
Next week we have to memorize All 50 prostates.
Anyway, I'm Jonathan thymius.
Thank you so much.
let's hear it for Jonathan Thymius! Judges, commence with the Judgery.
Andrew.
Wow! I'm just so happy I wasn't Eliminated.
That makes me very, very Because I could have been Eliminated would be the joke There.
Swept out the audience.
Jonathan, I love you come out, You have that patented look Around thing.
I don't know what you're looking At.
It's fantastic.
That joke you did, people didn't Get it, but on a scale of one to Ten, you weigh ten.
That's actually a fantastic joke People judging at home.
I love your I love your lack Of energy.
I love what you No, seriously.
And just the fact that you would Sit at a table and write down Birds.
I love that.
That would be the whole joke.
I love you as a human being and As a comedian.
Natasha.
Um, I didn't get milk a Cowboy.
But Cow.
It was a cow.
Oh, I thought it was a dirty Joke.
I think that I don't think I don't think Anyone else could get away with The jokes you're telling.
Legally? But you are.
It's absurd and silly and kind Of funny, I think.
So, yeah, that's my vote.
America, decipher that.
Jonathan, I think you have This old-school style.
It's something you don't see Anymore.
A guy that stays in character All the time, and I love that About you.
I've got to say I got the sense You've done a lot of sets Leading up to today, and I have A sense you may be running out Of theme at this point.
The set is not the best you've Had so far.
If you want Jonathan to be Rewarded for what he just did, Call 1-877-5-keep-01.
That's 1-877-553-3701.
Voting lines will be open for Two hours at the end of the Show.
Calls are toll free from Landlines.
We do not accept calls from Landmines.
We have to take a break.
When we come back, we'll find Out who's performing next and Who's going to punch a wall and Blame others.
Stay with us.
and we are back.
Tonight, six comics perform for Your votes, but one will be Eliminated and forcibly removed From this competition.
Let's find out who will be Performing next.
Give me lights and music, Please.
Last week, America finally voted For something.
And the comic who earned enough Of those votes to perform next Is Roy wood, Jr.
! Let's take a gander at Roy.
Well, well, well.
When I first started doing Comedy, my mom, she wasn't that Fond of the idea.
I want you to do what the Rest of us call fondly a real Job.
After a couple of years, my Mom realized how dedicated and Serious I was about stand-up.
Now my mom is my biggest fan.
Do me a favor, put this on.
I'm not wearing a sling, Okay.
I'll get votes if people Think you're crippled.
Mom is in a sling.
You have to vote for him.
You'll get the vote because They know you're crippling your Mom.
You're definitely not normal, But it's okay.
please welcome Roy wood, Jr.
! thank you.
I'm glad y'all doing all right.
I almost got pulled into some Drama this week.
I was at a fast-food spot.
This dude's order was messed up.
He tries to pull me into it.
He's mad.
I ordered five chicken nuggets And I didn't get but four Chicken nuggets.
You owe me another chicken Nugget.
You see what they're doing to Me, brother? That's what people do.
They pull other people into the Issue.
Now I have to join the nugget Coalition right now on the spot.
I don't know this dude.
I'm just saying, what are we Going to do? I'm not going to do nothing.
My burger is delicious.
I'm enjoying my burger.
That wasn't enough for him so he Tries to get racial.
I'm just saying, man, you need To do something.
You see what those white folks Are doing.
Got to stand up.
Racism? This is what you think the Klan Has been plotting at all their Meetings? This is the master plan.
This is how they're going to get Rid of black people, just starve Us to death one nugget at a Time, really? Doesn't make any sense.
Buddy of mine just had a kid.
I want some kids.
I want to have a big family.
Once I have kids, I want my wife To have six kids at one time.
That way we get free stuff from Other people.
You don't want to pay for child Care? Have all your kids in a group And take them on TV.
Look at all these babies we had At one time.
And people give you money.
They give you snacks.
They call the number and Everything.
I don't give money because most People that have that many kids At once, it's because they have Fertility.
They took fertility pills, which Is fine.
You want to take a pill to have A kid, fine.
Take a pill.
If you have more kids than you Can afford to keep, ha, ha, not My fault.
Don't get on TV begging for Snacks.
First of all, why do you have to Keep all the kids? Where's that a written rule? You just met them kids.
Take two or three.
You don't know these kids.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know which baby to keep.
Let America vote.
Put the kids on TV and put a Number.
Let Craig Robinson host it.
Welcome back to "last baby Standing.
" I'm your host, Craig Robinson.
I'm just saying, it's a double Standard in America, because we Only care about groups of kids That are in need if they're all Wearing the same shirt.
Six kids at one time, you get Kits from Oprah.
Six kids from five men, you're On Maury Povich for a paternity Test.
Okay, judges, judge this.
Roy, I think you're so funny And I feel like we give you any Topic and you would make it Hilarious.
You're really great.
I love you.
Nugget.
Nugget coalition.
Roy, you got this thing you Do where you're like a grumpy Old man in a young man's body, But it doesn't feel forced.
It's a very natural thing.
That set was about as tight and Great a set for a set of that Length that I could have seen.
That was a killer, killer set.
Great job.
I love you more than them.
Don't listen to them.
I'm really in love with what you Do.
First of all, thank you for Standing up to the white man Finally.
I like that.
I loved I love how Conversational you are.
I love your whole style.
I know you were kidding with That "last baby standing," but I Know people at "dance your ass Off.
" I think we should talk about That.
I think we could really make That go.
If you could smell what Roy Was cookin', pick up that phone And call 1-877-5-keep-02.
Once again, 1-877-553-3702.
Voting lines open at the end of The show.
You can also vote online at NBC.
Com.
Keep in mind, there's a limit of We'll be right back with the Video results of my colonoscopy And we'll find out who's Performing next.
Welcome back to "last comic Standing," the show which is Bigger than improv time.
Come on.
Hi, mama.
The performers you see on stage Tonight are all vying to win a Quarter of a million dollars and The title of "last comic Standing.
" Are you ready to watch them vie? Let's reveal some results.
May the force be with you.
Can I get a drum roll, please? You know what happened last Week.
America voted.
The comic who earned enough Votes to perform next is Myq Kaplan.
Take a look at this.
Hey, America.
I started out in show biz doing Music and now I have a song About me for you.
Enjoy.
I read, I eat, I watch the Best TV, I keep my laptop next To me I lie about my stds and I do comedy I walk outside I phone my grandmother I talk to my dad and mother I stalk and kill former Lovers and I do comedy that's what I do as a son I'm good also as a killer hiding bodies In the wood I'm kidding and sometimes I play music, But that's self-evident put your hands together for Myq Kaplan.
thank you, everybody, Sincerely.
Things have been going okay Recently, but I ordered some Nuggets, and they only gave me Four.
And they were made of chicken, And I don't even eat that, so This is great.
You guys like TV? It doesn't matter.
This joke's about TV.
I don't like all the reality Shows they have these days.
They're getting boring.
I wish they'd combine some.
Kids say the darnedest things When animals attack.
Something like that.
Thank you very much for Clapping.
I appreciate the noise that you Make.
I appreciate it.
I don't have any kids.
I was married, but I got out Alive.
And I think it's great.
I don't mind being divorced.
End in divorce.
That's one out of every two People.
So it's either going to be you Or your wife.
That's how the math works out.
You've got to do everything you Can.
I have a cell phone that takes Pictures.
You can have a picture pop up When somebody calls you.
Maybe you have a picture of the Person pop up? I don't do that.
I have a picture of my face Reacting to how that person Makes me feel.
Thank you again.
You guys are nice.
I'm nice to you.
I do what I can, but when I die, Here's the thing, I want to have My remains scattered over a Beautiful park.
I don't want to be cremated, Though.
Just have my body parts strewn About like a scavenger hunt for Fun, you know.
I like fun.
You guys seen the movie "final Destination"? If you haven't, fine choice.
Here is enough information to Make this relatable and Enjoyable to everybody.
It's about a boy, gets on a Plane.
The plane explodes.
Everybody dies.
The boy wakes up before that Happens.
It was a vision of the future.
He's like we've got to get out Of here.
They kick him off the plane.
So far, very realistic movie.
So he's off the plane.
It does take off.
It does explode just like he saw In his vision.
He cheated death.
Death follows him for the rest Of the movie, which is what Happens if you cheat death in a Crappy movie.
I get to the end of this hour And a half of my life.
What a crapfest.
I wake up in the theater before It started.
Like we've got to get out of Here.
This is going to blow.
So thank you guys very much.
You've been awesome.
Myq Kaplan.
Let him hear it.
Now let's find out what that did For the judges.
Mr.
Giraldo.
Mike, you get a lot of Applause breaks in your show.
A lot of your jokes get big Laughs and respectful claps, Which is a great thing.
You're a great performer.
It was a good set.
Myq, you remind me of a Younger version of me with more Jokes, better looking, more Confident, not really like me.
I love that you made people Laugh at a movie that isn't a Real movie.
You brought me along.
Great job.
I loved it.
Natasha.
You're very clever.
I think if this show was named "last comedy writer standing," You would definitely win.
If myq made you laugh the First time since the oil spill Dial 1-877-5-keep-03.
That's 1-877-553-3703.
Voting opens at the end of the Show and phone lines remain open For two hours.
By that time, Lindsay Lohan Should be out of jail.
Four comics left, one's going Home.
Don't act like you don't know How this goes.
We'll be right back.
And we're back.
We have four comics left.
Who will be eliminated? Who will perform next? The answer is written on this Card.
I shall read it now.
The comic who received enough Votes to perform next is Tommy Johnagin.
Come on.
Take a look at Tommy.
Hello, America.
I just want to let you know a Little about myself and the Other comics.
Everybody else lives on the Coasts and don't care about the Middle.
I eat in the middle, sleep in The middle.
I'm one of you.
We eat fried ravioli but call it Toasted ravioli so we don't feel Guilty.
I'm on the road 45-ish weeks a Year.
I like coming from small towns In middle America because I'm From middle America.
I'm America's comic.
And there's nothing more American than shucking corn over An American flag in a wife Beater.
Please make a loud welcome For Tommy johnagin.
thank you.
It's good to be here.
I had a pregnancy scare with a Girl a while back.
She had a pregnancy scare.
I just thought I had to move.
Way less scary.
Pregnancy comes up with women Even when it doesn't need to.
They get a belly ache, they're Sick to their stomach, they have A girlfriend, uh-oh, you know What that means.
It could mean she wolfed down Two helpings of lasagna.
I was with a girl.
She could be 8 1/2 months Pregnant wearing a maternity Dress.
My friends would be maybe it's Gas.
I saw the ultrasound.
There's a baby.
They'd be maybe she ate a baby.
Thank you.
You're right.
My little sister has a brand-new Baby.
She asked me to watch him.
I'm not going to watch her baby.
What about you having a baby Makes me qualified to take care Of one? You have to train two weeks to Be a busboy at applebee's and You're going to hand me your Infant? You're a bad mom already.
All I know is don't shake them And don't feed them chocolate, And I think the second one's for Dogs.
If you want kids, you've got to Be careful with your business as A guy.
I read the story where a dude Got into a car accident and his Thing popped.
I didn't even know it was Poppable.
I've got one and I've done a lot Of things to it.
Between 12 and 15, I was running A test facility.
Does that hurt, does that feel Good, can I smack it a little? No, yes, no, yes.
I never came close to popping It.
How is that not the slogan for Wearing your seat belts? Click it or ticket.
I'll take it.
But click it or your penis will Explode, not so much.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Tommy johnagin, ladies and Gentlemen.
Judges, give us your best Judgment.
Andy kindler.
Craig, I like what you're Doing, but you can take it up a Notch? You're hosting, but are you Hosting inside? Sorry, that was a mistake.
Tommy, you're unbelievable.
First of all, you're cocky.
I don't know if I can say that.
You're cocky and have good Posture.
I'm slumped over afraid to do my Material.
You pull it off.
You're confident and hilarious And by the way, my thing Detaches.
I don't know if that's Natasha.
Popping the penis, is that What it was? Yes, that's what it was, Natasha.
When do penises pop? I got it.
Okay.
Disgusting.
I hope you weren't making fun of America in that piece.
Okay, good.
I think you're real funny.
Thank you, Ellie Mae.
Tommy, you have tons and tons Of jokes.
I don't know if people realize.
To do as many sets as you have To do, it takes a lot of work to Hone and tighten them into Something and your sets have Been solid every single time.
That was a great set.
Very funny.
If you like Tommy and want to Put in the effort, dial That's 1-877-553-3704.
Voting opens at the end of the Show so you have a little Practice how you're going to Handle it.
We have to take a break.
Don't go away.
We have more results and I have Abandonment issues.
Stay with us.
Welcome back to "last comic Standing.
" We now offer free checking.
You know what? Let's forgo the niceties and get To the action.
Do you want to know which comic Is performing next? Oh, my God! Me, too.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
America, you voted.
So don't try to blame this one On Obama.
The comic who earned enough Votes to perform next is Mike Destefano.
Let's take a peek inside Mike.
I'm pretty much the same guy On stage as I am off stage.
I want people to know that it's Not an act.
What you see is what you get.
Don't cut the cubes.
On the outside I look tough And act tough.
Ma! You don't like them.
They're going to hurt.
She knows what she's doing.
Deep down I'm very tough.
See, I told you.
I'm putting my helmet on, ma.
Mani, pedi, performance.
Bye-bye, Mikey boy.
Good luck.
Here he is, Mike destefano.
thanks, everyone.
Thank you, thank you.
Look at those.
Nice.
All right.
So I was on drugs for a long Time, like 15 years.
This month I've been off them For 12 years.
My 12 years off of drugs.
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
Sometimes parents say, Mike, Will you talk to my kids about Not doing drugs? And I say no, I won't, because I Did drugs.
I don't know how to not do Drugs.
I did drugs longer than I'm off Them.
If they get on them, I can help Them get off them.
But I can help them understand.
Just tell them your life story.
All right, kids, gather around.
Uncle Mikey did heroin which Feels like you're naked in a Pool full of puppies.
Then I went to rehab and now I'm On national television.
So don't do that.
I don't know what to tell them.
It worked out for me.
I'm sorry! It's unbelievable.
It's crazy.
You know, kids say I love Young people, but you walk Around a lot.
You've got that stupid look of Hope.
It's not going to work out, you Understand? Bad stuff's comin'.
Get ready.
Your iPod's not going to help.
And the girls, I love you.
Stop worrying about your body.
This girl asked me, she was Skinny, do I look fat? I said I have memories that Weigh more than you do.
Relax.
If you don't like yourself, I Hate myself, will you love me? No, I'll just take your word for It.
I tell a girl I love you.
No, you don't.
I do, I love you.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No.
You know what? I don't love you.
I did.
I did love you, but you talked Me out of it.
I went into a Chinese Restaurant.
They had a suggestion box so I Wrote free Tibet.
Just a suggestion.
I don't know.
Thank you.
And the guys, you know, come on.
Toughen up a bit.
I heard two young guys standing On a subway platform.
One said, dude, I would die Without my blackberry.
I said, you promise? And then I took his blackberry And pushed him in front of the Train, so he was right.
He's dead without his Blackberry.
Thank you very much, you guys.
Appreciate.
Thank you.
Mike destefano, America! Judges, what was that like for You? Natasha.
Do you think I'm fat? Mike, I love you.
I just hope the people watching In prison can get to a hall Phone.
To vote for you.
You'll definitely win.
Greg Giraldo.
Mike, you're always funny.
Your jokes are always funny.
You're a funny character.
You're one of the few likeable Violent people.
Andy kindler.
I thought this was maybe your Best set yet.
I mean, you have stolen my Persona, but what can I do? I love what you did.
And now I want to do heroin, Too.
So thanks, Mike.
Thank you.
If Mike does the walk for You, get down on one knee and Dial 1-877-5-keep-05.
Once again, 1-877-553-3705.
If you're really modern, go to NBC.
Com to cast a vote.
There's a limit of 10 votes per Method.
When we come back, one of these Comics will be performing for Your vote.
The other will have to say Good-bye.
Stay with us.
Welcome back to "last comic Standing.
" I'm Craig Robinson, and I've got A date with destiny and Charisse And diamond and peaches, so Let's keep this show rolling.
Right now we only have two Comics left.
Of course, they both want this Last spot and the chance to win $250,000.
But it doesn't matter what they Want.
It only matters what America Wants.
One of you will be performing.
One of you will be going home.
After last week's nationwide Vote, which excluded Samoa, Poland and Amish country, the Last comic who will perform Tonight is Felipe Esparza! Congratulations, Felipe.
You go backstage.
Sorry, Rachel.
Sorry.
You have to go home.
But you do.
But look, let's take a look at The good times we had.
Love you, Rachel.
Not fair.
America didn't vote for me.
It's not the last you guys are Going to hear from me.
It is not over.
I do want to thank the people That did vote for me and that Did vote for me and responded to What I was doing.
I'm going to keep doing it, Because I have no other skills.
let's hear it one more time For Rachel Feinstein.
Now it's time for our final Comic of the night.
My momma, she always thought That I was funny.
I'm expecting a lot from him.
I know he can do it.
She's my son.
She's the world to me.
I love her.
More than anything.
More than being the "last comic Standing.
" But I still want to win.
This is my pre-show workout East L.
A.
Style.
Let's do this.
I'd like to start out lifting Weights.
Mom is just what I need after a Hard workout.
She's my personal trainer, Therapist, good luck charm.
I got my workout, my burrito.
It's showtime! Put your hands together for Felipe Esparza! first of all, thanks for Voting for me.
Oh, man.
I don't like the stereotypes About Latinos.
We're not all hard workers.
Believe me, this brown can do Nothing for you.
The Arizona law is crazy.
But if I get deported, which Will be by mistake, I'm going to Say the same thing I say when I Get kicked out of a club.
But, sir, I was already in There, though.
My friends are in there.
She still has my credit card.
I'm a weekend dad, so I see my Kid on Saturdays.
Sometimes my son shows up too Soon, like around noon.
My mom lets him in my room.
No respect.
You know how 5-year-olds are, Trying to wake you up, yelling At you right in your ear.
Daddy, I want cereal.
Daddy, I want cereal.
He goes to the other side.
Daddy, I want cereal.
I want cereal, dad.
Me, I'm in deep sleep.
I'm about to close a deal with These two hot chicks.
I'm talking to them.
So you going to go home with me? I want cereal.
How about you? I want cereal, too.
Man, there are people gang Banging on the Internet.
Some guy scares me.
Where you from? I was all scared.
I even sent him a scared smiley.
Thank you very much, ladies and Gentlemen.
Felipe Esparza! Let's see if the judges will Validate you.
Greg.
Felipe, thank you for making Me feel better about my Parenting skills.
Great jokes.
You cut your hair.
Now you're going all Conservative, right? I like the clean-cut look.
That was a solid set.
Andy kindler.
Well, Felipe, I said it Before, the crowd loves you, Which usually makes me Suspicious, but I think they Might be loving you for the Right reasons.
This thing you're doing, I think It's like your a Milton Berle Who really likes to touch Himself.
You're an original.
You really are.
Nobody can do it like you're Doing it, so great job.
Natasha Leggero.
Felipe, half the time I don't Know what you're saying, but It's always funny.
Thank you.
if you want to see Felipe Share the joy, dial Once again, that's Voting lines open at the end of The show.
Remember, these toll-free Numbers are 877, so dial like You mean it.
For those of you who can't Remember what you like, let's Take one last look at all of Tonight's performers.
When I was little, I wanted To be a cowboy.
But I couldn't stand the thought Of being milked every morning.
This is the master plan.
This is how they're going to get Rid of black people.
Just starve us to death one Nugget at a time.
I wish they would just Combine some.
I'd like to see a show, "kids Say the darnedest things when "Animals attack.
" the only thing I know about Babies is don't shake them or Feed them chocolate and I think That second one's for dogs.
I went into a Chinese Restaurant.
They had a suggestion box, so I Wrote free Tibet.
Oh, man.
I don't like the stereotypes About Latinos.
We're not all hard workers.
The voting lines are now Open.
You have a chance to change the Future.
Voting by phone is open for two Hours.
Be patient if you can't get Through right away.
You can vote online at NBC.
Com.
There's a limit of 10 votes per Method.
Next week, we'll find out which Five comics will compete for the Title.
It's our final performance show.
And your last chance to vote Before we coronate a winner.
See you next week.
Good night.