M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e08 Episode Script

[Whistling Ballad.]
Colonel, can I interrupt your creative painting? Not when I'm working with the fine tip, Radar.
I think you're gonna wanna hear this when I tell you why.
- Okeydokey.
- Okay.
"l" Corps called and - What do you think? - Hmm? Oh, uh, that's you, sir.
The only thing in camp I haven't painted yet.
I just wish I could find someone with healthy cuticles.
- Okay.
What's the poop? - Yeah.
"L" Corps reports that there's a big storm on the way from Manchuria and it should be here tonight.
We could expect heavy winds and temperatures close to freezing.
We've gotta batten everything down.
- Let's make out a checklist.
- I made out a checklist.
- Good boy.
What about the water tower? - There's the water tower.
Uh-huh.
Get a bunch of people to reinforce it.
In a storm, that thing sways out there like Little Egypt.
- What about - The tent flaps need to be secured.
- Aha! - What? I gotcha! I was gonna say nail down the windows in post-op.
- Rats.
- [Chuckling.]
Colonel, where Colonel, where is my chopper to Seoul? You got me.
Did you look under your bunk? - [Chuckles.]
That's a good one.
- [Charles Clears Throat.]
Colonel, I have wasted an entire hour of my first vacation from hell waiting for my propellered chariot to freedom.
Will you call please call the dispatcher and find out what's holding up that goofball.
- Major, can I drop these? - Yes! - [Loud Clatter.]
- Gently! You idiot.
My guess is your chopper ain't comin', Major.
There's a big wind expected from the north.
- Seoul probably grounded everything in its path.
- No, no! No! They can't do this to me.
I have reservations in Tokyo.
I have a suite with a king-size bed, my own bathroom! That's why you packed all the magazines.
- Don't let it come to tears, Major.
Radar.
- Yes, sir? - Sign him out a jeep to Seoul.
- Right away, sir.
If you can beat the storm, theJapan shuttle may still be flying.
Yes, of course! Inspired, Colonel.
Klinger, get the bags.
You'll drive.
Hey, wait a minute.
I ain't crazy.
If l You didn't hear that, sir.
If I drive you to Seoul, that means I gotta come back in the storm.
Uh-uh.
Klinger, we are wasting time.
Twenty dollars.
It's my final offer.
- No.
- All right.
300.
Klinger, get him out of my hair, and you can stay in Seoul overnight.
Now you're talking.
I can finally pick up those junior miss patterns.
- Whatever.
- I'll drive.
There is a God.
Come on, Klinger.
Get packing.
- Thanks, Colonel.
- Wait a minute.
Nah.
Too hairy.
That takes care of the stakes.
[Hawkeye.]
Don't bring 'em in yet.
I haven't made the coleslaw.
- Are you gonna come out here and help? - I can't.
I'm hiding under a giant paperweight.
You're gonna be sorry.
I only tied down my half of the tent.
Don't knock yourself out.
Beej, relax, enjoy yourself.
This windstorm is nature's cease-fire.
The war will be called on account of bad weather.
- They still give rain checks.
- [Knocking.]
- You can huff, you can puff, but you'll never - Come in.
- Hi there, guys.
- Ah! Bigelow, step on in.
Beej, I'm ready to face the storm.
Secure me to her.
I've only got a second.
Major Houlihan's got me on a detail.
- She's a stickler for details.
- Hawkeye, I'm planning a little get-together later.
Hot chocolate and marshmallows.
Would you like to come by? - Oh, let me see.
Who else is invited? - No one.
- Your kind of crowd.
- I'll be there with bells on.
You'll love me in bells.
- Shall we say about 8:00? - 7:30.
I like a half hour to warm up.
[Chuckling.]
Gotta run.
I envy her tonight.
Bigelow! - Major, I was just about - About to go on report, Lieutenant! I put you on a detail to help secure this camp.
- Oh, Major.
- We're preparing for a crisis, Lieutenant.
That is the worst time to "Oh, Major" me.
My nurses are gonna pull their weight through this.
Is that understood? Good! Then move! - Oh, Margaret, it's you.
I thought it was the storm.
- [Grunts.]
[Charles.]
Klinger, we are not on our way to Grandmother's house.
Cook it! Major, there's a reason why you never see these things racing at Indianapolis.
Don't give me excuses.
Give me speed.
We gotta make time.
What do you want? I'm doing 25, and my foot's bleeding.
Oh, fine! Run it, Klinger.
Run it.
Run it.
Come on! Coward.
How could we possibly be speeding? You gentlemen on your way to Seoul? No.
Chicago! [Forced Laugh.]
- What seems to be the problem? - If you stay on this road you're gonna have to follow a large convoy that just went through.
You better allow yourself three hours.
[Shrieks.]
Don't mind him.
He just lost his reason for living.
I can give you an alternate route.
We'll go by jungle vine.
What is it? - You wanna write this down? - No, no.
We gotta make time.
Gotta make time.
Okay.
Go back about a mile, make a right.
Continue on until you hit a cluster ofhuts.
Make another right.
Keep going until you come to a fork.
Bear left around the mountain.
On the other side of the mountain, you pick up a main road.
Take you right into Seoul.
Got it? Right.
Now, where do we go from here? I've got it.
Come on.
Gotta make time.
Any truck stops along the way where we can grab something to eat? - Klinger! - Gotta make time.
Gotta make time.
- Don't let this scare you guys.
- [Chirruping.]
Just think of it as getting dark early.
[Tsk.]
Come on, Babette.
Will you give me a break once? Bongo, can't you quiet her down? [Sighs.]
Okay.
Okay.
I know, I know.
Come on.
[Singing Lullaby.]
- [Stops Singing.]
- Radar! You know the rest.
Radar, can you help me strike the bulletin boards? I'd hate to see any of my bingo announcements blow into the wrong hands.
Oh, sure, Father.
Father, uh, you think they'll be okay? Well, uh, let's make sure, huh? [Murmuring In Latin.]
[Chuckles.]
That ought to do it.
See you Sunday.
Major, we're lost, as in, "Officer, have you seen my mommy?" - Why didn't you listen to the directions? - Me? You're the one who said, "I got it, I got it.
" Come on.
We're gonna get caught in the storm.
- Let's turn back.
- Turn back? Klinger, if you utter tho Keep your eyes on the road! If you utter those words one more time, I will place you under arrest.
Drive on.
We should be rolling up to those huts anytime now.
Yeah, if we don't fall off the edge of the Earth first.
- [Wind Blowing.]
- Looks like we're in for a quiet evening, Sheriff.
Yep, a real "Doc Holiday.
" Well, how's Private Yeager in his semiprivate room? [Loud Crash.]
- What's that? - I don't know.
- The water tower blew over.
Come on.
There's people hurt.
- Our quiet night.
[O.
R.
Chatter.]
- Set him down over there, boys.
- I think we got everybody.
- [Potter.]
We'll close that up with a couple of stitches.
- Pretty shocky.
Whole blood and get him into O.
R.
- He was on top of that thing when it gave.
- Hawk.
! - What do you have, Margaret? - It's Bigelow.
Take a look, please! - Oh, God.
- Hi, Hawkeye.
- Hi, yourself.
What were you doing out there? - I detailed her and some of the nurses to help out on the tower.
- They were handing up ropes - All right, Margaret.
She's gonna be all right.
- [Groans.]
- [Hawkeye.]
Where? - My left side.
- Her left side.
- My left shoulder.
- Her left shoulder.
- Thank you.
- [Groaning.]
- All right.
Take it easy.
- [Groans.]
She's bleeding internally.
We're gonna have to operate.
- I think it's a ruptured spleen.
Let's prep her.
- I'm assisting you.
Right.
Play hard to get.
- Major, this wind is blowing right up my skirt.
- Keep moving! I'd turn back if I knew which way that was.
A hut! Is that a hut? No, it can't be.
What is that? What on earth is that thing? - That's a six-by.
- Oh, that's what it is.
Keep going.
- Wait a minute.
- [Man Shouts, Indistinct.]
- I think I hear someone.
- [Shouting Continues.]
[Sighs.]
Go ahead.
Major! There's three guys back here, and they're hurt! Of course.
What else? - There's another one up here! - [Groaning.]
- [Groaning, Calling, Indistinct.]
- They're not Americans.
- [Speaking Foreign Language.]
- Sounds like Greek to me.
- Don't they know how to drive? - I'm gonna help this guy up front.
That's a swell idea.
Aw, this is great.
We're lost there's a freezing storm on its way and no one knows we're missing.
We'll be lucky if we make it through the night.
How wonderful it is to travel with you.
[Breathing Heavily.]
All right.
This should make you more comfortable if you overlook the fact that none of us are gonna see our homes again.
[Speaking Greek.]
Do you by chance speak one of the Romance languages? [Greek.]
All right, I'm coming.
Klinger.
That's the last of your luggage.
Will you be changing for dinner? Ah, wonderful.
All the years of travel, training, education.
Where do I spend my final hours? In a truck.
Major, you can't just give up.
Sure, right now, things look a little bad, lousy maybe.
Okay, hopeless.
But you can't give up.
Klinger, come here.
Displaced shoulder.
- Hold him down.
This is gonna be painful.
- Oh, gotcha.
- Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
- Okay.
- [Screams, Gasping.]
- Okay, pal.
Okay.
There we go.
Easy, easy.
Easy, easy.
All right, Klinger, I will play your little charade.
- [Soldier Groaning.]
- Everything is going to be just grand.
- [Continues Groaning.]
- Good Lord.
What's this? - What's wrong? - [Gasping.]
Traumatic chest.
Possible pneumothorax.
- What? - Chest wound.
- We may need a chest tube.
Help me raise him.
- I'm here, sir.
- Come on, son.
- [Groaning.]
That's it.
Easy, easy.
Good Lord.
What I wouldn't give to be back in that little cheese box of an operating room.
This guy's shoulder is cut pretty bad.
The bleeding isn't stopping.
- [Continues Gasping.]
- Give me the second-largest alligator valise.
- With "C.
E.
W.
" embossed in gold? - That's the one.
A far cry from my set of matched shopping bags.
- All right.
- [Groaning.]
We'll make bandages out of my shirts, bind his shoulder.
That should hold him until we're found hah! And other dreams.
Oh, sir! 100% silk! Could I keep a swatch? All right, I'm gonna close my eyes now.
I want you to rip those shirts into bandage strips.
[Yelps, Groans.]
- Sorry, sir.
- Go ahead.
I'll be all right.
- Major, you know, I'm thinking.
- [Shirt Ripping.]
- Maybe I should go out and find some help.
- Bad idea.
No.
Absolutely not.
You're much better staying here, helping me through this ordeal.
You see, I'm afraid, Klinger.
Okay, yes, there it is, out in the open for all to hear.
I'm afraid.
Never had to deal with anything like this before.
Here, another strip.
No, no.
You stay here.
I was hoping you'd say that, sir.
It's okay, everybody.
It's just me.
Oh, yeah, I know.
I know.
It'll be all right in the morning.
I'm just doin' a bed check now.
Babette, where are you? Oh, my gosh! Bongo, how did this cage get open? Oh, gee! Okay, don't worry about it.
I'll get her.
Babette! Babette! Here, Babsy! [Whistles.]
Babsy? Babsy! [Hawkeye.]
It's closing time.
That was a pretty-good-size bleeder there, Bigelow but I think we got you under control.
- You can relax now, Margaret.
- Set up another pint of blood! Hey, I'm supposed to say that.
Set up another pint of blood.
- Get some A.
B.
D.
S for bandages.
- You're reading my mind.
Margaret, your nurse is gonna pull through but you have to let me be the doctor.
You're right.
I guess I'm just a little edgy.
- No problem.
Scis - Scissors! [Radar.]
Excuse me! Sirs? Have any of you seen my guinea pig? I went out to check her cage, and he wasn't there.
And he's a she.
Whoa, Radar, slow down.
You're making less sense than usual.
My guinea pig Babsy is missing.
- Babsy? - It's short for Babette.
That's different.
Margaret, has anything crawled up your leg in the last few minutes? That animal better not be in here! It'll contaminate everything! "Contaminate"? I bathe her every day.
She's cleaner than me.
- What isn't? - Radar, relax, will ya? She's probably hiding in some nice warm corner doing her nails.
Okay, but listen.
If you see her, let me know, will ya? Geez, you feed 'em, you raise 'em and then, one day, they're just gone.
My guess is Babette's looking for a judge to have her name changed.
There you are, pal.
You and your leg are all set.
If you'll stop by the gift shop on your way out, you can pick up your complimentary fountain pen.
Okay, time to bandage, Margaret.
Excuse me, Doctor.
Finish up here, will ya, Kell? - Are you all right? - I'm fine.
- Try again.
- [Sighs.]
- [Vehicle Arrives.]
- I'm sorry.
It's just that I never had one of my nurses hurt before.
- Margaret, she's gonna be okay.
- [Vehicle Door Slams.]
- [Sighs.]
- P.
S.
Thanks to you.
Oh, no.
Hey, come on.
You gotta be kidding.
Just came in a chopper pilot and his spotter.
- They went down in the wind.
- The question is what were they doing up in the wind? Seems the Greeks lost a troop truck.
They went out scanning.
- Let's scrub up again.
- Let's get to it.
Look, it could be worse.
We could be stuck in Tokyo like Charles.
Right now, that poor guy's probably lying in a steaming geisha bath.
[Wind Howling.]
You know, Major, it's funny.
Here we are, two guys clinging together for dear life and we don't know a single thing about each other.
Except that we're both about to die.
Glad I brought it up.
I was born in my grandmama's house on Beacon Hill.
Oh, yeah.
"The Battle of.
" That was Bunker Hill, quiz kid.
I was talking about Beacon Hill where, at one time you would not have been allowed to walk.
Natch.
My parents were wonderful gave me everything a child could need.
Nannies, boarding schools stock portfolio.
- I was always an inquisitive child.
- You were, huh? Mm-hmm.
By the age of seven, I was already dissecting frogs.
- Well, every kid does that.
- Ah.
I could put them back together.
No wonder I graduated first in my med-school class from Harvard.
- Hmm.
Some life.
- Mm-hmm.
- Now would you like to hear about mine? - Not particularly.
Oh.
- I was always a voracious reader.
- [Loud Gasp.]
- [Gasping.]
- Oh, he sounds pretty bad.
Thank you, Klinger.
That's very perceptive.
[Gasping, Groaning.]
Oh, damn! Tension pneumothorax.
- The whole lung has collapsed.
- Can you do anything? No.
I would have to suck the air out of the chest cavity give the lung a chance to re-expand.
- So do it! - Out here in the middle of nowhere, with nothing? - You got no choice.
- Klinger, you don't understand.
- I don't have the proper instruments.
- [Speaking Greek.]
- Very complicated situation here.
- Let's do it, Major.
[Gasping, Groaning.]
Give me the biggest needle and syringe you've got.
- Here you are, sir.
- I feel like an auto mechanic.
You'll pull him through.
You're gifted.
You can do anything.
Yes, I am cursed.
Get in there! Get in there! - Get in there! - [Gasping.]
[Greek.]
This thing isn't big enough.
Klinger, look back in that kit.
See if there isn't anything resembling a tube.
I got a catheter and a and a clamp, sir.
- Good.
Give me those.
- Here you are, sir.
- And the sharpest cutting edge you can find.
- Yes, sir.
- Sharpest [Muttering.]
- Come on, Klinger! - Ah! Pocketknife.
- Good.
There you are, sir.
What are you gonna do? Well, we'll need an incision in the chest cavity.
- [Screams.]
- We'll give him room to breathe.
- [Groaning.]
- Hold him! - Made it across, Major! - Take the knife.
Take this clamp, please.
- Yes, sir.
All right.
Mm! Give me a syringe anything to suck air.
All right, sir.
Uh, syringe, syringe.
- I've got one, sir.
- Good.
Pinch the skin around the end of the tube.
I'm gonna need that clamp back in a moment.
Hold it.
This isn't gonna work.
This can't work.
How can anyone be expected to operate under conditions like this? [Gasping Subsides.]
- Good heavens! - What's the matter? I think it's working.
This thing is sucking air.
[Breathing Eases.]
He's doing better.
He's breathing easier.
Indeed he is.
Stay with me, old man.
Steady on.
Steady, steady.
- Klinger, give me some tape, please.
- Yes, sir.
[Greek.]
You did it, Major! You did it! More than that, Klinger.
I did it here.
[Hawkeye.]
Korea, land of surprises.
Snipers, shelling.
Just when you think you've seen it all along comes a lovely, destructive Manchurian windstorm.
[B.
J.
.]
Truly an enchanted land.
- Maybe Mildred and I will retire here.
Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
[Mulcahy.]
Colonel? We've got a villager whose hut collapsed around him, and [Sighs.]
A young boy who chased his frightened livestock into a minefield.
- Dear God.
- He's been alerted.
- I'll take the boy, Father.
- Right away.
[Hawkeye.]
Margaret, get out of my light.
I can't see the patient.
[Potter.]
Father, get 'em to crank up that emergency generator pronto.
[Mulcahy.]
Soon as I can find the door.
- [Door Clatters.]
- Found it.
[B.
J.
.]
Colonel, I'd like to complain about the working conditions.
- Quiet, Hunnicutt.
- It wasn't me.
Somebody that looked like me.
- [Margaret.]
I don't believe this.
- [B.
J.
.]
Anyone for charades? Come on already! Boy, you're some commander.
Bad news, Major.
We're still here.
From the sound of that wind last night, I was certain we'd be in Oz by now.
[Groans.]
Nothing like a good two-minute sleep to prepare you for another glorious day here at Camp Who Knows Where.
I'd say that direction.
Yeah.
- So would I.
Why? - Because you're going for help, Klinger.
You might be able to get your bearings from the top of that ridge.
Me? Last night, you said you were afraid to be left alone.
Last night is over.
We've lived through the storm.
Now it's time to get out of here, and we're gonna make it.
- I know we are.
- Good.
Then why don't you go? Me? Someone has to look after these Greeks and I think I proved last night who the qualified party is.
- All right, all right.
I'll go.
I'll go.
- Marvelous idea.
But if I don't come back, you're gonna have to call my parents.
And they're gonna hate hearing that I'm dead.
[Muttering, Indistinct.]
[Imitating Chirruping.]
Come on, honey.
Come on.
It's Radar.
Why don't you help me out and get found? - [Smacking Lips.]
- No luck, huh, Radar? It's been about eight hours, sir.
I'm a wreck.
Why don't you crawl into your hutch and get some rest? There's no time.
I gotta find her.
I know how much she meant to you, but You know, I mean, means to you.
You just may have to face some not-too-pleasant facts.
Sir, I've kept her alive through a whole war.
I'm not gonna give up now.
Babette? Here, honey.
[Imitating Chirruping.]
- Bigelow.
- Major.
I brought you a few things.
L I thought you might want to repair your face.
Major.
That's very sweet of you.
Just get better.
We need you.
Good morning, ladies and germs.
The ambulance stopped with a jerk, and I got off.
- Will you serious up! - You're absolutely right.
Let's be serious.
Pulse 96? Nurse, pull his corpuscles over and give them a ticket for speeding.
- [Laughing.]
- [Giggling.]
Now you're gonna say you're a kid who's had all the bad breaks.
We cleaned and tightened those brakes but you're gonna have to stay in the garage until Tuesday.
- [Laughing.]
- [Laughing.]
Imagine the laughs I'd get if he could understand English.
Hello, young lady.
I just stopped by to tell you I stop at nothing.
[Laughing.]
I have a wonderful recovery program planned for you.
Plenty of rest, exercise, fresh air and a visit from me after every meal and one before bedtime.
- [Excited Squealing.]
- What What Hold it! What is it? - [Bigelow Laughing.]
- Well, hello there, miss.
Your name wouldn't happen to be Babette, would it? - [Chirruping.]
- I thought so.
- [Laughing.]
- He loves a class act.
[Muttering, Indistinct.]
He's gonna be sorry when I'm lost forever.
No, he won't.
Oh, no! No! It can't be! [Klinger.]
We've been riding in circles.
We almost froze to death in our own backyard.
Oh, Major! Major.
I got a little surprise for you.
Looks like we had a wild party here last night.
- All the damage without any of the fun.
- [Horn Honking.]
- Look at this.
- [Honking.]
- [BJ.
.]
Charles is back.
- [Hawkeye.]
And he brought souvenirs.
[B.
J.
.]
What you got here, Charles? Don't stand there.
Get these men into pre-op.
What happened to you, Winchester? Klinger took a wrong turn.
He got us hopelessly lost.
I was obliged to save these wounded sons of Greece during one of the most brutal nights imaginable.
- End of report.
- Uh, Major, you forgot to mention we were only 200 yards from the camp.
- 200 yards? - I hit the high points, Klinger.
You were in the neighborhood, you didn't drop by? Shame on you.
Klinger, you look like you went through a mop squeezer.
- Why don't you get some rest.
- Thank you, O Compassionate Kingpin.
Winchester, I guess you'll be on your way while you've still got some R & R left.
- Precisely.
- Where are you goin'? Be it ever so crumbled, there is no place like home.