Not Going Out (2006) s07e08 Episode Script
Plane
We're not going out Not staying in Just hanging around with my head in a spin But there is no need to scream and shout We're not going out We are not going out.
Have you looked at this thing? It's terrifying.
I'd never have got on the flight if I'd seen this.
It's only the emergency instructions.
It's the drink prices.
I'm not going anywhere near the emergency instructions.
I don't want tips on how to die in a plane crash, thank you very much.
I've told you, you're a thousand times more likely to die crossing the road than you are in a plane crash.
Oh, that's not true.
Isn't it? Well, think about it.
Crossing the road is quite safe.
Whereas being in a plane crash is really quite dangerous.
Planes are extremely safe.
Unless you're crossing the road in front of one.
We're far more likely to die in the taxi on the way to the hotel.
So, if you die taxiing down the runway, does that count as both? Oh, God.
Can we please stop talking about death? If you're nervous, distract yourself.
Do some reading.
Reading? How do you expect me to be able to read? Try sounding out each letter and use the pictures to help you guess.
This is part of the reason why I'm nervous in the first place.
I've told you, it's nothing.
The newspaper says the threat's only gone from grey to brown.
My underpants could have told you that.
There are thousands of flights every day, and there hasn't been a terrorist attack for a very long time.
OK.
So we're due one any day.
If I'd have known you were going to be this nervous, I'd have told you to take a pill.
Airlines don't like you taking lots of pills.
Or drink.
My uncle did both.
Got into big trouble.
What happened? They sacked him.
He was a pilot? No, my family aren't that irresponsible, thank you, Lee.
He was in air traffic control.
If you're not going to read the newspaper, read something else.
You can read my book if you like.
It's all about the fear of flying.
You've not got a fear of flying.
Give it a chance, I'm only halfway through.
Can't you just relax and look forward to the holiday? Oh, yeah.
A week in a former Communist Republic.
You're the one who said you wanted a budget holiday.
I meant Pontins or Butlin's, not Stalin's.
They don't even know the Cold War's over, where we're going.
Even the hotel's a two Stasi.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing? I'm putting my bag away.
What, in the overhead locker? No, Lee, on the roof rack.
You can't stand up on a plane.
You'll unbalance it.
I beg your pardon? It's a scientific fact.
Well, I didn't think it was a chat-up line.
I tell you what, if you're acting this nervous now, God knows what you'll be like when we actually take off.
There's a good tip in my book here, Lee, "Find others who" "share your fear, so you can support each other.
" Perhaps you should chat to him.
Who? That man over there.
The one sweating and clutching his bag like his very life depended on it.
Why's he holding his bag like that? Why hasn't he stowed it in the overhead compartment? Maybe he was worried he'd unbalance the plane.
He looks very twitchy.
Maybe he's a first time flyer.
Yeah, or a first time terrorist.
He's not a terrorist.
Unless he's a suicide bomber.
Then it might be his first time.
We've been sat on this runway for half an hour.
I reckon there's something wrong.
There's nothing wrong.
They're just doing important last-minute checks.
If they're important, why have they left it to the last minute? I'm pressing the button for the stewardess.
Don't press your button.
They hate people who press their buttons.
It's true, Lee.
The stewardesses get really annoyed and switch on the turbulence.
I'm serious, Lee, don't press your button, they don't like it.
All right.
I'll press your button.
Fat lot of good it does.
They just ignore it.
Lazy sods, the lot of them, they just want to sit on their backsides Hello.
What can I do for you? Yes, what did you want to ask, Lucy? You pressed the button, sir.
I saw you.
Great.
Nothing like being spied on by an East European in a uniform to make you feel relaxed.
OK, so you don't do sarcasm.
Look, just between me and you, why haven't we taken off yet? OK, just between me and you, one of the wings is a little loose.
Right.
I'm getting off! You see, I can do sarcasm.
There is no problem, sir.
Then do you mind me asking what the delay is? It's probably just a routine security alert.
Hang on.
What do you mean security alert?! Sir, to summon me, you do not grab me.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Could you put my friend's mind at rest and explain what a security alert means exactly? What do you think it means? It means there might be a terrorist on board! Lee, let her speak.
Thank you.
It means there might be a terrorist on board.
Oh, God! But I assure you there is not.
I am sure you have read about the security alerts in the newspaper.
Six months this has been going on.
They are always false.
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Morris.
' 'Apologies for the delay there, but you'll be pleased to hear' 'that everything is now clear and we can take off.
' What did I tell you? Sorry about my friend.
He's not a very good flier.
That's all right.
Neither is the pilot.
See? Sarcasm.
It is good, yes? 'Ladies and gentlemen, we are now cruising at 35,000 feet or so.
' 'Once again, sorry for the slightly bumpy takeoff,' 'hopefully it didn't cause you too much alarm.
' That was awful.
I thought something was coming away from the undercarriage.
The plane's fine.
I'm not talking about the plane.
You're not very good at takeoffs, are you? Oh, I don't know.
I can do a reasonably good Bruce Forsyth.
Don't panic, don't panic.
No, I think that's Clive Dunn.
Oh, God.
Lee, it's fine.
It's all in your head.
Exactly.
Unless you're one of those people that can tell in advance when there's going to be a disaster.
A psychic? A terrorist.
Can you two both stop saying the word terrorist? It's one of those words you're not supposed to say on a plane, like gun, or bomb, or Everyone get down before I blow this crate to pieces! That's another one.
That bloke still hasn't stowed his bag.
I reckon he's got something inside it.
He's probably just got a sneaky bottle of booze for his nerves.
Yeah, or maybe he's got a knife.
Don't be stupid.
You're not allowed to take sharp objects on planes.
I wondered how you got through security.
Did you see that? He's just taken his bag to the toilet! He might have a bomb! I reckon he's going in there to light the fuse.
Light the fuse? Where did you learn about terrorism, from an episode of Danger Mouse? All right, assemble a bomb.
I've seen them do that on films.
Well, I've got a theory - and bear with me on this one, because it's going to sound crazy - maybe he's going in the toilet for a wee.
How can you be so calm? There might be an explosion any second.
You're forgetting I share a bathroom with you.
Can we please talk about something else? I know what we can do! Let's all join the mile high club! What? Go on.
It'll be fun.
Daisy, do you know what the mile high club is? Yes, of course I do.
I'll get us started.
I spy, one mile high, something beginning with G.
It's people having sex on aeroplanes.
Well, for starters, that begins with the letter P.
I am not sitting here playing stupid games.
I'm going to check him out.
All right? This your first time? On a plane, I mean, not the toilet.
Why do you ask this? I just thought you looked a bit nervous.
I thought may you were nipping in there for a quick, er That's a drink, by the way.
I don't mean If you are, that's fine.
Maybe the bag's full of lots of pictures of naked East European women draped over farm equipment.
And if that's the case, that's fine by me.
Are you going to come into the toilet with me? Why not? If it's just number ones, we could double up.
Leave me alone.
Maybe I could hold on to it for you.
I mean, hold on to your bag.
I mean, that bag.
Please, let go of the door! OK, fine, but this door is very thin, you know.
I'll be able to hear everything you're doing in there, especially with my ear pressed up against it.
You know what, I think I'll wait till later.
Oh, hang on, what's that? What's what? In your bag.
What did you see? Nothing.
Tell me, what did you see? A box.
With "cartridges" written on it.
They are ink cartridges for a printer, you idiot.
I am a stationary person.
Well, not actually strictly true.
You're moving at about 600mph.
I thought you needed the toilet.
No.
I just came to stretch my legs, get a breath of fresh air.
Good God, what are they feeding that child? That was quick.
What happened? I think he got wind.
I did ask.
I mean, he knows I know.
Knows you know what? He's not a bomber.
Right.
He's a hijacker.
What? I saw a box in his bag with "cartridges" written on it.
Well, it might just be ink cartridges.
That's what he said.
You're an idiot.
He said that as well.
I've got to report this.
Have you got the number for Ryman's? What the hell is the matter with you? I am stopping the potential hijacking of an aeroplane.
How nice to see that it's you again, sir.
Sarcasm? Of course.
You need to go and search that man over there.
What? I'll explain.
Lee followed that man to the toilet after we discussed joining the mile-high club.
I'll deal with this, Daisy.
That man aroused my interest, so I followed him to the toilet.
I got chatting to him outside, but he wouldn't let me go inside the toilet with him.
I'm telling you, you've got a very suspicious character on-board this plane.
I am very aware of that.
You know we can have you removed from the flight? Fine.
If you have to land, that suits me.
Who said anything about landing first? Please, just go and talk to him.
He's got something suspicious in his bag.
Well, of course, now you have reported it, I must do something about it.
It is the rules.
So thank you for that.
Why is it always the English? Well, at least we shave our armpits, you racist.
Happy now? What if he gets really angry and shoots you, Lee? He won't know it was me that told her.
Well? I am afraid you are mistaken, Mr Sherlock Houses.
This man sells office supplies.
Are you sure you didn't see a gun? Sir, had I found anything I could use as a deadly weapon, believe me, I would be standing here with it now.
Well, it's good that we got all that sorted, isn't it? We can just sit back now and enjoy the flight.
Fancy a drink? STEWARDESS: Don't! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Oh, I love Tom and Jerry.
Perhaps I shouldn't press me button.
I don't want her using my arse as a bottle opener.
Ooh, shampoo.
Why pay for two bottles when you can just steal and go? Idiot! Idiot! You don't speak to me like this.
They said they were sending a professional.
But look at you.
Trembling like a child.
Yes, I am nervous.
But it will not stop me completing the job.
You are drawing suspicion.
The man was on to you.
Who? The idiot.
Sitting in 24C.
The one with the ferret face.
He is not a problem.
I have dealt with people like him before.
Oh, really? And what if he had told the other passengers you were a hijacker? Did he? No.
He is stupid, so he only told me.
I told him you were carrying office supplies.
Good.
So we no longer have a problem.
Perhaps now you can complete the job properly.
BANG Lee, why are you sprawled all over me like that? Sh! It's all right, I'm wide awake.
And that's supposed to make me feel better, is it? Sh.
Keep your voice down, otherwise the terrorist will hear us.
Oh, God, not this again.
It's definite this time.
I went into the galley bit and I saw them talking, him and the stewardess.
And I saw the gun, right in front of me.
What, and they didn't notice you stood there listening? I was stealthy like a ninja.
Oh, right.
So we're about to get hijacked, but it's all right, because The Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Tortoise is on board? If all this is true, why the hell didn't you take the gun? Cos I accidentally made a noise and I had to scarper.
What noise? I opened a bottle of champagne.
A common ninja mistake.
Have I missed anything? Yes, there's a hijack plot.
The stewardess is involved and he's got a gun.
What about the breakfast menus, have they been round yet? Champagne, sir? No, thanks.
Are you sure? Yes, I never touch the stuff.
It's got to be genuine Lambrini for me or nothing.
Well, anything you need, just let me know.
Right, no-one is ever that nice to you.
What's going on? I've told you what's going on.
There is a terrorist on board and she's in on it.
I swear to God, Lucy, I am not making this up.
Oh, my God.
What are we going to do? We should do exactly what they tell us to do until they let us go.
And what if they don't let us go? What if they start making demands and shooting the passengers one by one? Have a guess who they will start with? It won't be me or Daisy, because they always let the women go first.
Shock can be a terrible thing, Lucy, it can make a person come across as a heartless bitch! OK, look.
We have to tell someone.
Yeah, but who? There must be more people involved than just them two.
Think about it.
They managed to smuggle a gun in their bag.
They must have someone on the inside.
No-one can be that small.
I mean other people involved.
Like cabin crew.
Or even people higher up.
Do you think Richard Branson's involved? We can't trust anybody.
Do you understand? Nobody.
Don't listen to him, Lucy.
He might be part of it.
You can trust me.
Oh.
Actually, there is one other person we can trust - the Captain.
If he was in on it, there'd be no point in having a hijacker.
That's true.
Nobody burgles their own house.
Nobody touches themselves up.
All right, nobody burgles their own house.
How do we tell him? You can't just walk into the cockpit these days.
I've got it! You ask him to open the door and then you say you're a nine-year-old boy with an incurable disease and seeing inside the cockpit would be a dream come true.
And what happens when he opens the door? How do I pass this off as a nine-year-old boy? All right, hideous disease.
Look, I'll just tell him straight, even if I have to shout it through the door.
Yeah, what happens when the man hears you and he starts shooting? You're right.
We have to get the gun first.
And how the hell do we do that? Simple.
All we need is a fishing rod and a giant magnet.
You distract him and I grab the bag.
And how do we do that? You're both women.
How about some good old-fashioned flirting? All right, you sort it out for us, then, big boy.
Not with me! Flirt with him.
And what about the stewardess? We need to distract her, too.
Oh, that's easy.
Not like that! Can I help you? Erm Yes, do you have a fishing rod and a giant magnet that we could borrow? Sorry to bother you.
Can I have a drink, please? Anything fizzy, in a bottle.
I've got an idea.
Right, so we all know what we have to do? Yep.
OK.
Pretend you need the toilet.
Right, that's me off to the toilet then.
OK.
Enjoy yourself.
I certainly intend to.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Sorry to bother you.
But my friend and I can't open this bottle.
And you seem like a big, strong man.
That wasn't much of a diversion, was it? You were supposed to shake it.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Oh, sorry, my mistake.
I thought you were on fire.
Your poo stinks! I don't think I'll get it all with three napkins.
Daisy, can we have some more? More napkins.
Oh.
Excuse me, could we have some more napkins, please.
I'm afraid there's been a little accident.
Always the English.
Well, at least we shave our Not now, Daisy.
I am so sorry.
I can't apologise enough.
It's fine.
No, I'd really like to keep apologising.
Please, stop.
It is fine now.
No, not there yet.
I've left a little.
Hello? Captain Morris? Hello? Who is that? I'm a passenger on the plane.
What do you want? Can you let me in first? Then I'll tell you.
I'd rather you told me now.
All right.
I have to sit at the front or otherwise I get travel sick.
Go back to your seat, please, sir.
Just open the door.
If you don't go away, I will have to call for a steward.
OK, I'll get straight to the point.
This plane's going to be hijacked.
I've got the gun, so you need to let me in there right now.
Hello? Let me get this straight.
You're telling me the plane is being hijacked, you've got a gun, and you want me to let you into the cockpit.
Yes, please.
I think I'm going to have to say no.
Just let me in there! Or what? Or everyone's going to die.
So open the door.
And more importantly, keep very quiet.
ALARM SOUNDS 'Security alert.
All crew to the cockpit, please.
' 'All crew to the cockpit, please.
' Just let me in! I'm telling you, stay calm or we're all going to die! SCREAMING That's not helping.
Stand back! No, you stand back! I'm warning you! I've got a gun.
Right.
You asked for this Oh, God, Lee, please don't say it was a banana all along.
He had a gun in his bag - I saw it! Maybe he's eaten the real gun by mistake.
You mean this gun? Ha! See! I mean - Oh, God! Move away from the door.
No.
I will count to ten.
That doesn't frighten me.
And then I will shoot you in the head.
Admittedly, that's a bit more scary.
One.
Two.
Three.
Has anyone ever told you sound like that vampire off Sesame Street? Four.
Five.
I will shoot you if you don't move.
Six.
Seven.
You'll shoot me anyway.
I know how you hijackers operate.
Eight.
Nine What? I am not a hijacker.
You're the hijacker.
No, I'm not.
You're trying to break into the cockpit.
To warn him about you.
You're the one pointing a gun.
Because I am an Air Marshal.
Secret Service.
What? I am on the plane because of the increased security alert.
To prevent an attack.
But I overheard you saying he was a hijacker.
No, I said you thought he was a hijacker.
So who's hijacking the plane? Everyone hit the deck.
I'm taking this plane to Rio.
Only joking.
So why didn't you tell me you were Secret Service? Because then I would not be Secret Service.
I would be Tell-everybody-all-about-it Service.
So why've you been acting all nervous? Because I am scared of flying, all right? An Air Marshal who's scared of flying? Tell me about it.
You might just be telling me all this to put me off.
You mean because I am so desperate for you to put the banana down? OK.
Fair point.
Careful, it's loaded.
With carbohydrates.
Oh, sorry about all the inconvenience.
Still, no harm done.
We'll probably chuckle about this afterwards.
If only you could have done that before we took off.
Well, holidays are all well and good, but I don't think you've truly experienced a country until you've spent ten days in a police holding cell.
Well, it was good for your language skills.
That's true.
Now I know how to say "No, you pick up the soap" in four different languages.
It wasn't that bad.
Not for you and Daisy, no.
You spent the whole time staying with the British Ambassador.
You stink of Ferrero Rocher.
And as for the flight back home Well, that was just unlucky.
It's not my fault they sat me next to a man with a nervous twitch and a bag full of alarm clocks.
We're not going out Not staying in Just hanging around with my head in a spin But there is no need to scream and shout We're not going out We are not going out.
Have you looked at this thing? It's terrifying.
I'd never have got on the flight if I'd seen this.
It's only the emergency instructions.
It's the drink prices.
I'm not going anywhere near the emergency instructions.
I don't want tips on how to die in a plane crash, thank you very much.
I've told you, you're a thousand times more likely to die crossing the road than you are in a plane crash.
Oh, that's not true.
Isn't it? Well, think about it.
Crossing the road is quite safe.
Whereas being in a plane crash is really quite dangerous.
Planes are extremely safe.
Unless you're crossing the road in front of one.
We're far more likely to die in the taxi on the way to the hotel.
So, if you die taxiing down the runway, does that count as both? Oh, God.
Can we please stop talking about death? If you're nervous, distract yourself.
Do some reading.
Reading? How do you expect me to be able to read? Try sounding out each letter and use the pictures to help you guess.
This is part of the reason why I'm nervous in the first place.
I've told you, it's nothing.
The newspaper says the threat's only gone from grey to brown.
My underpants could have told you that.
There are thousands of flights every day, and there hasn't been a terrorist attack for a very long time.
OK.
So we're due one any day.
If I'd have known you were going to be this nervous, I'd have told you to take a pill.
Airlines don't like you taking lots of pills.
Or drink.
My uncle did both.
Got into big trouble.
What happened? They sacked him.
He was a pilot? No, my family aren't that irresponsible, thank you, Lee.
He was in air traffic control.
If you're not going to read the newspaper, read something else.
You can read my book if you like.
It's all about the fear of flying.
You've not got a fear of flying.
Give it a chance, I'm only halfway through.
Can't you just relax and look forward to the holiday? Oh, yeah.
A week in a former Communist Republic.
You're the one who said you wanted a budget holiday.
I meant Pontins or Butlin's, not Stalin's.
They don't even know the Cold War's over, where we're going.
Even the hotel's a two Stasi.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing? I'm putting my bag away.
What, in the overhead locker? No, Lee, on the roof rack.
You can't stand up on a plane.
You'll unbalance it.
I beg your pardon? It's a scientific fact.
Well, I didn't think it was a chat-up line.
I tell you what, if you're acting this nervous now, God knows what you'll be like when we actually take off.
There's a good tip in my book here, Lee, "Find others who" "share your fear, so you can support each other.
" Perhaps you should chat to him.
Who? That man over there.
The one sweating and clutching his bag like his very life depended on it.
Why's he holding his bag like that? Why hasn't he stowed it in the overhead compartment? Maybe he was worried he'd unbalance the plane.
He looks very twitchy.
Maybe he's a first time flyer.
Yeah, or a first time terrorist.
He's not a terrorist.
Unless he's a suicide bomber.
Then it might be his first time.
We've been sat on this runway for half an hour.
I reckon there's something wrong.
There's nothing wrong.
They're just doing important last-minute checks.
If they're important, why have they left it to the last minute? I'm pressing the button for the stewardess.
Don't press your button.
They hate people who press their buttons.
It's true, Lee.
The stewardesses get really annoyed and switch on the turbulence.
I'm serious, Lee, don't press your button, they don't like it.
All right.
I'll press your button.
Fat lot of good it does.
They just ignore it.
Lazy sods, the lot of them, they just want to sit on their backsides Hello.
What can I do for you? Yes, what did you want to ask, Lucy? You pressed the button, sir.
I saw you.
Great.
Nothing like being spied on by an East European in a uniform to make you feel relaxed.
OK, so you don't do sarcasm.
Look, just between me and you, why haven't we taken off yet? OK, just between me and you, one of the wings is a little loose.
Right.
I'm getting off! You see, I can do sarcasm.
There is no problem, sir.
Then do you mind me asking what the delay is? It's probably just a routine security alert.
Hang on.
What do you mean security alert?! Sir, to summon me, you do not grab me.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Could you put my friend's mind at rest and explain what a security alert means exactly? What do you think it means? It means there might be a terrorist on board! Lee, let her speak.
Thank you.
It means there might be a terrorist on board.
Oh, God! But I assure you there is not.
I am sure you have read about the security alerts in the newspaper.
Six months this has been going on.
They are always false.
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Morris.
' 'Apologies for the delay there, but you'll be pleased to hear' 'that everything is now clear and we can take off.
' What did I tell you? Sorry about my friend.
He's not a very good flier.
That's all right.
Neither is the pilot.
See? Sarcasm.
It is good, yes? 'Ladies and gentlemen, we are now cruising at 35,000 feet or so.
' 'Once again, sorry for the slightly bumpy takeoff,' 'hopefully it didn't cause you too much alarm.
' That was awful.
I thought something was coming away from the undercarriage.
The plane's fine.
I'm not talking about the plane.
You're not very good at takeoffs, are you? Oh, I don't know.
I can do a reasonably good Bruce Forsyth.
Don't panic, don't panic.
No, I think that's Clive Dunn.
Oh, God.
Lee, it's fine.
It's all in your head.
Exactly.
Unless you're one of those people that can tell in advance when there's going to be a disaster.
A psychic? A terrorist.
Can you two both stop saying the word terrorist? It's one of those words you're not supposed to say on a plane, like gun, or bomb, or Everyone get down before I blow this crate to pieces! That's another one.
That bloke still hasn't stowed his bag.
I reckon he's got something inside it.
He's probably just got a sneaky bottle of booze for his nerves.
Yeah, or maybe he's got a knife.
Don't be stupid.
You're not allowed to take sharp objects on planes.
I wondered how you got through security.
Did you see that? He's just taken his bag to the toilet! He might have a bomb! I reckon he's going in there to light the fuse.
Light the fuse? Where did you learn about terrorism, from an episode of Danger Mouse? All right, assemble a bomb.
I've seen them do that on films.
Well, I've got a theory - and bear with me on this one, because it's going to sound crazy - maybe he's going in the toilet for a wee.
How can you be so calm? There might be an explosion any second.
You're forgetting I share a bathroom with you.
Can we please talk about something else? I know what we can do! Let's all join the mile high club! What? Go on.
It'll be fun.
Daisy, do you know what the mile high club is? Yes, of course I do.
I'll get us started.
I spy, one mile high, something beginning with G.
It's people having sex on aeroplanes.
Well, for starters, that begins with the letter P.
I am not sitting here playing stupid games.
I'm going to check him out.
All right? This your first time? On a plane, I mean, not the toilet.
Why do you ask this? I just thought you looked a bit nervous.
I thought may you were nipping in there for a quick, er That's a drink, by the way.
I don't mean If you are, that's fine.
Maybe the bag's full of lots of pictures of naked East European women draped over farm equipment.
And if that's the case, that's fine by me.
Are you going to come into the toilet with me? Why not? If it's just number ones, we could double up.
Leave me alone.
Maybe I could hold on to it for you.
I mean, hold on to your bag.
I mean, that bag.
Please, let go of the door! OK, fine, but this door is very thin, you know.
I'll be able to hear everything you're doing in there, especially with my ear pressed up against it.
You know what, I think I'll wait till later.
Oh, hang on, what's that? What's what? In your bag.
What did you see? Nothing.
Tell me, what did you see? A box.
With "cartridges" written on it.
They are ink cartridges for a printer, you idiot.
I am a stationary person.
Well, not actually strictly true.
You're moving at about 600mph.
I thought you needed the toilet.
No.
I just came to stretch my legs, get a breath of fresh air.
Good God, what are they feeding that child? That was quick.
What happened? I think he got wind.
I did ask.
I mean, he knows I know.
Knows you know what? He's not a bomber.
Right.
He's a hijacker.
What? I saw a box in his bag with "cartridges" written on it.
Well, it might just be ink cartridges.
That's what he said.
You're an idiot.
He said that as well.
I've got to report this.
Have you got the number for Ryman's? What the hell is the matter with you? I am stopping the potential hijacking of an aeroplane.
How nice to see that it's you again, sir.
Sarcasm? Of course.
You need to go and search that man over there.
What? I'll explain.
Lee followed that man to the toilet after we discussed joining the mile-high club.
I'll deal with this, Daisy.
That man aroused my interest, so I followed him to the toilet.
I got chatting to him outside, but he wouldn't let me go inside the toilet with him.
I'm telling you, you've got a very suspicious character on-board this plane.
I am very aware of that.
You know we can have you removed from the flight? Fine.
If you have to land, that suits me.
Who said anything about landing first? Please, just go and talk to him.
He's got something suspicious in his bag.
Well, of course, now you have reported it, I must do something about it.
It is the rules.
So thank you for that.
Why is it always the English? Well, at least we shave our armpits, you racist.
Happy now? What if he gets really angry and shoots you, Lee? He won't know it was me that told her.
Well? I am afraid you are mistaken, Mr Sherlock Houses.
This man sells office supplies.
Are you sure you didn't see a gun? Sir, had I found anything I could use as a deadly weapon, believe me, I would be standing here with it now.
Well, it's good that we got all that sorted, isn't it? We can just sit back now and enjoy the flight.
Fancy a drink? STEWARDESS: Don't! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Oh, I love Tom and Jerry.
Perhaps I shouldn't press me button.
I don't want her using my arse as a bottle opener.
Ooh, shampoo.
Why pay for two bottles when you can just steal and go? Idiot! Idiot! You don't speak to me like this.
They said they were sending a professional.
But look at you.
Trembling like a child.
Yes, I am nervous.
But it will not stop me completing the job.
You are drawing suspicion.
The man was on to you.
Who? The idiot.
Sitting in 24C.
The one with the ferret face.
He is not a problem.
I have dealt with people like him before.
Oh, really? And what if he had told the other passengers you were a hijacker? Did he? No.
He is stupid, so he only told me.
I told him you were carrying office supplies.
Good.
So we no longer have a problem.
Perhaps now you can complete the job properly.
BANG Lee, why are you sprawled all over me like that? Sh! It's all right, I'm wide awake.
And that's supposed to make me feel better, is it? Sh.
Keep your voice down, otherwise the terrorist will hear us.
Oh, God, not this again.
It's definite this time.
I went into the galley bit and I saw them talking, him and the stewardess.
And I saw the gun, right in front of me.
What, and they didn't notice you stood there listening? I was stealthy like a ninja.
Oh, right.
So we're about to get hijacked, but it's all right, because The Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Tortoise is on board? If all this is true, why the hell didn't you take the gun? Cos I accidentally made a noise and I had to scarper.
What noise? I opened a bottle of champagne.
A common ninja mistake.
Have I missed anything? Yes, there's a hijack plot.
The stewardess is involved and he's got a gun.
What about the breakfast menus, have they been round yet? Champagne, sir? No, thanks.
Are you sure? Yes, I never touch the stuff.
It's got to be genuine Lambrini for me or nothing.
Well, anything you need, just let me know.
Right, no-one is ever that nice to you.
What's going on? I've told you what's going on.
There is a terrorist on board and she's in on it.
I swear to God, Lucy, I am not making this up.
Oh, my God.
What are we going to do? We should do exactly what they tell us to do until they let us go.
And what if they don't let us go? What if they start making demands and shooting the passengers one by one? Have a guess who they will start with? It won't be me or Daisy, because they always let the women go first.
Shock can be a terrible thing, Lucy, it can make a person come across as a heartless bitch! OK, look.
We have to tell someone.
Yeah, but who? There must be more people involved than just them two.
Think about it.
They managed to smuggle a gun in their bag.
They must have someone on the inside.
No-one can be that small.
I mean other people involved.
Like cabin crew.
Or even people higher up.
Do you think Richard Branson's involved? We can't trust anybody.
Do you understand? Nobody.
Don't listen to him, Lucy.
He might be part of it.
You can trust me.
Oh.
Actually, there is one other person we can trust - the Captain.
If he was in on it, there'd be no point in having a hijacker.
That's true.
Nobody burgles their own house.
Nobody touches themselves up.
All right, nobody burgles their own house.
How do we tell him? You can't just walk into the cockpit these days.
I've got it! You ask him to open the door and then you say you're a nine-year-old boy with an incurable disease and seeing inside the cockpit would be a dream come true.
And what happens when he opens the door? How do I pass this off as a nine-year-old boy? All right, hideous disease.
Look, I'll just tell him straight, even if I have to shout it through the door.
Yeah, what happens when the man hears you and he starts shooting? You're right.
We have to get the gun first.
And how the hell do we do that? Simple.
All we need is a fishing rod and a giant magnet.
You distract him and I grab the bag.
And how do we do that? You're both women.
How about some good old-fashioned flirting? All right, you sort it out for us, then, big boy.
Not with me! Flirt with him.
And what about the stewardess? We need to distract her, too.
Oh, that's easy.
Not like that! Can I help you? Erm Yes, do you have a fishing rod and a giant magnet that we could borrow? Sorry to bother you.
Can I have a drink, please? Anything fizzy, in a bottle.
I've got an idea.
Right, so we all know what we have to do? Yep.
OK.
Pretend you need the toilet.
Right, that's me off to the toilet then.
OK.
Enjoy yourself.
I certainly intend to.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Sorry to bother you.
But my friend and I can't open this bottle.
And you seem like a big, strong man.
That wasn't much of a diversion, was it? You were supposed to shake it.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Oh, sorry, my mistake.
I thought you were on fire.
Your poo stinks! I don't think I'll get it all with three napkins.
Daisy, can we have some more? More napkins.
Oh.
Excuse me, could we have some more napkins, please.
I'm afraid there's been a little accident.
Always the English.
Well, at least we shave our Not now, Daisy.
I am so sorry.
I can't apologise enough.
It's fine.
No, I'd really like to keep apologising.
Please, stop.
It is fine now.
No, not there yet.
I've left a little.
Hello? Captain Morris? Hello? Who is that? I'm a passenger on the plane.
What do you want? Can you let me in first? Then I'll tell you.
I'd rather you told me now.
All right.
I have to sit at the front or otherwise I get travel sick.
Go back to your seat, please, sir.
Just open the door.
If you don't go away, I will have to call for a steward.
OK, I'll get straight to the point.
This plane's going to be hijacked.
I've got the gun, so you need to let me in there right now.
Hello? Let me get this straight.
You're telling me the plane is being hijacked, you've got a gun, and you want me to let you into the cockpit.
Yes, please.
I think I'm going to have to say no.
Just let me in there! Or what? Or everyone's going to die.
So open the door.
And more importantly, keep very quiet.
ALARM SOUNDS 'Security alert.
All crew to the cockpit, please.
' 'All crew to the cockpit, please.
' Just let me in! I'm telling you, stay calm or we're all going to die! SCREAMING That's not helping.
Stand back! No, you stand back! I'm warning you! I've got a gun.
Right.
You asked for this Oh, God, Lee, please don't say it was a banana all along.
He had a gun in his bag - I saw it! Maybe he's eaten the real gun by mistake.
You mean this gun? Ha! See! I mean - Oh, God! Move away from the door.
No.
I will count to ten.
That doesn't frighten me.
And then I will shoot you in the head.
Admittedly, that's a bit more scary.
One.
Two.
Three.
Has anyone ever told you sound like that vampire off Sesame Street? Four.
Five.
I will shoot you if you don't move.
Six.
Seven.
You'll shoot me anyway.
I know how you hijackers operate.
Eight.
Nine What? I am not a hijacker.
You're the hijacker.
No, I'm not.
You're trying to break into the cockpit.
To warn him about you.
You're the one pointing a gun.
Because I am an Air Marshal.
Secret Service.
What? I am on the plane because of the increased security alert.
To prevent an attack.
But I overheard you saying he was a hijacker.
No, I said you thought he was a hijacker.
So who's hijacking the plane? Everyone hit the deck.
I'm taking this plane to Rio.
Only joking.
So why didn't you tell me you were Secret Service? Because then I would not be Secret Service.
I would be Tell-everybody-all-about-it Service.
So why've you been acting all nervous? Because I am scared of flying, all right? An Air Marshal who's scared of flying? Tell me about it.
You might just be telling me all this to put me off.
You mean because I am so desperate for you to put the banana down? OK.
Fair point.
Careful, it's loaded.
With carbohydrates.
Oh, sorry about all the inconvenience.
Still, no harm done.
We'll probably chuckle about this afterwards.
If only you could have done that before we took off.
Well, holidays are all well and good, but I don't think you've truly experienced a country until you've spent ten days in a police holding cell.
Well, it was good for your language skills.
That's true.
Now I know how to say "No, you pick up the soap" in four different languages.
It wasn't that bad.
Not for you and Daisy, no.
You spent the whole time staying with the British Ambassador.
You stink of Ferrero Rocher.
And as for the flight back home Well, that was just unlucky.
It's not my fault they sat me next to a man with a nervous twitch and a bag full of alarm clocks.
We're not going out Not staying in Just hanging around with my head in a spin But there is no need to scream and shout We're not going out We are not going out.