Orange Is the New Black s07e08 Episode Script
Baker's Dozen
1 Some history there? History.
Biology.
Eva didn't say they were gonna send you back.
What are those kids supposed to do now? I handled it.
They're staying with Hopper.
You're such a fucking dumbass.
What the fuck you just call me? This is stupid.
I thought so.
Don't forget, I'm still your fucking mother.
Where's all the brown-haired ones? Red isn't feeling so hot, so Litvack said we could take her back early.
Okay.
Don't let her cough on anything.
King just got over his first cold, and I am not going back to that circle of hell.
We had to literally suck snot out of his nose.
It's love, but it is disgusting.
- Sani wipe? - Thanks.
Come on.
Give me your hands.
Give me.
Come on.
All right.
All right, what happened in there? Why were you in the freezer? I I was looking for something.
- The Northwest Passage? - No, I wasn't in there that long.
Red, I am worried that there's something, uh, something wrong with you.
I'm surprised you even noticed I was gone.
You're so busy conquering Cleopatra.
Yeah, I I notice a lot of things.
Can we talk about this? Sorry.
I got stuck listening to customers complain about how they can't get decent stroganina outside of Omsk.
And now I complain to you.
What did I miss? Mikhail has a line on the Serb importer.
Ilya will go with him.
See what they can coax out of him.
I think it's time to go.
But what about the new business? We can discuss that another day.
I spoke to Olga again.
She says these retirement communities are only going to keep popping up.
- If we get in at the beginning - Sure, sure.
Next time.
And maybe some of those tea cakes too.
For next time.
They can't wait five minute? I'm offering a gold mine here.
And it's not even illegal.
They'll get excited when they finally hear it.
Every time they forget I'm the one with the good ideas.
The prison contract? That was me.
They take my ideas and then present them as their own.
So, meeting with the Serb? You ready for that? Do you think it's too late to marry Sonya Chekova? My mother thinks her dad could get me into courses at the Gem Society.
You don't wanna be a diamond cutter at Zales.
And you don't want to live next door to your mother.
That's the only reason Luda is nice to that stupid girl.
You can do better than Sonya Chekova, with her underbite.
Last time we went out, the guy didn't die all the way.
Vlad had to finish him with a tire iron.
I don't wanna know about these things.
His eye popped out of his head like a slinky toy.
Maybe they have another job you can do? I could ask.
No, I'm fine.
I can handle it.
I don't know why I'm complaining.
Good things come to those who stay late.
Oh.
That's me.
Your mother can wait.
Have your cookie.
She'll yell at me.
It's not worth it.
Good night.
A goddess hunter must always shoulder the weight of her own weapons.
It's lesson number one of the retreat.
I'm embracing the change of scenery, if not the concept.
When Kiki bailed from her non-refundable spot, I knew it was serendipity.
I thought, "Who in my life would be first to die in a nuclear apocalypse?" - Everybody.
- Piper! Because you've lost your inner compass, and your knife skills are atrocious.
I'm not quite sure how those two things relate to each other, but it's nice for the opportunity to shift my focus.
The last few days have been less than satisfying.
I cannot do sex with strangers.
Well, maybe not stranger strangers.
Would you consider a friend of a friend? That's less stranger strange.
I thought that we were here to reclaim our power as huntresses and sustenance providers.
Yes, but we must also be open to whatever bounty the Earth Mother provides, be it prey or partner.
Piper, you remember Maia, right? From the baby group? Of course.
It's so nice to see you.
Don't worry, I won't say a word about the whole felon thing.
I appreciate that.
Oh! This weekend is gonna be so primal! Okay, I would like for everyone to just take a minute and close her eyes.
Listen to the birds, the wind.
The voice of nature whirring all around.
Listen to where the spirit guides are telling you to rest your bodies and claim the best bedroom for yourself.
Sucker! Mama gets the queen bed! I am star-fishing tonight! You a top or a bottom? I'm an "anywhere I lay my head is home.
" - Hey, Zelda.
Hi.
- Hello.
- You are gonna love Piper.
- She's super used to bunk beds.
- We said six o'clock.
- I know.
Count got fucked up.
They had to redo it three times.
That's good.
I thought maybe you weren't coming because of I got it.
I got it.
I'm sorry, you know, about, um, kissing you.
I don't know why, I just, um That was stupid, right? Yes, it was inappropriate.
I just I thought we were both feeling some feelings - I wasn't.
- Hmm.
I'm married.
I'm not trying to force an inmate to have sexual relations with me.
You are forcing me to sell contraband, so it seems like a slippery slope.
You asked me for help.
To get out from under fucking Hellman.
Not to become your mule.
I saved you from a rapey asshole.
I got you a job and money.
Great job.
If I get caught, I get additional time on my sentence.
Phone chargers, they were your idea.
Because it's better than heroin.
So, I guess I'm the asshole, then.
Am I dismissed? Don't be late again.
Wait, I can't I finally get invited to the Corrections Summit in the Cayman Islands, only to have to fly home early to mop up a shit mess.
I had to leave before Michael Bolton performed.
I did my best with the little time you gave me and that newscaster hell-bent on trying to trap me All you had to do was stick to the talking points.
That is why I printed out talking points.
Nowhere in them did it say we were reallocating Psych funds for fucking chickens.
I had to give her something.
Then you should have given me a heads-up before it aired.
Instead, I had to sit there and watch you wing it in a room full of my all-male colleagues.
And you should have seen the look on Jack's sunburned face when he watched you disappear his profit margins like a low-rent Ricky Jay.
May he rest in peace.
Okay Look, I know that this is a hard job.
But I want you to know that I fought for you.
No one else wanted you here.
I knew you were an out-of-the-box pick, but I thought I saw something special in you.
So believe me when I say that this is coming from a good place.
You are royally fucking up this golden opportunity.
If I hear about you spending money on programs, we will shut them down.
So, no, you cannot have a Special Ed GED tutor or a grain silo for chicken feed.
Don't do anything more than what is being asked of you, okay? Okay.
You want some coffee? Tea? Ovaltine? No.
Uh, I did not hear you come in.
Um Any news from your lawyer? I sent off the book to her.
She says her team will have a look, so You all right? Um Do you think I'm fucking it up? From where I sit, no, you're not.
In fact, you're the first warden to even try to make this place better.
There's no money.
How can I keep doing good if the programs are shut down? Get some volunteers.
They don't cost you nothing but some thank-yous.
Check it, all right? - You need GED tutors, right? - Yeah.
Why don't you get them white-collar bitches who insider traded? They're all in minimum.
That's a crime that pays for good lawyers.
What about you, Taystee? I got a job.
It keeps me very busy But this isn't a job.
It's volunteering, remember? - I don't have time - Okay, I can fire you, and and you'll have plenty of time.
Okay.
I'll find time.
I will find time.
Thank you.
- Question.
- Yeah? Who is Ricky Jay? Who is Michael Bolton? Good day to you, Miss Cluckadoo! Might I examine your nesting box? An egg is a tiny miracle, isn't it? It's life and life's sustenance all at once.
Okay, why are you so happy? Did you get some new meds? 'Cause I want some of those.
Unless they make you speedy, 'cause I'm just speedy enough as it is.
No, what you are seeing is the joy a person feels when they single-handedly, through the power of their own words, can turn the course of another person's life.
- Oh! - Look.
Look.
"Dear Suzanne, thank you for being a " "A bull-headed, refuse-to-listen-to-reason pain in the ass.
" "I think this book might actually help, so I'm sending it to my lawyer"? "I'm sorry I doubted you in the first place.
" "Your friend " Huh? - "Taystee.
" - Wow.
That's really cool.
Yeah, it turns out I'm a fixer.
Like Olivia Pope or Woodward and Berenstain Bear.
Move chicken, chicken.
Move.
Hmm.
Only three? Yet we have 12 chickens, so it stands to reason we should have closer to 12 eggs.
Give or take.
Ladies, gather round.
It appears we have our first chicken crisis.
A foul fowl? Uh I'll allow it.
Now, why are our chickens not producing eggs? The eggs can get stuck inside the cloaca.
We could reach inside and grab the eggs out.
Oh! Maybe the chickens are eating their own eggs! They're cannibal chickens.
It happens, you know.
It does.
But we would see evidence of their abomination.
I'm not seeing pecked-out shells.
Ms.
Warren? Your solve? They need sunlight.
Do chickens go through menopause? 'Cause we can make a test of their hormones The coop is too dark, and the yard, it's covered.
They need those harmful UVs.
Vitamin D is vital for egg production.
Mmm-hmm.
Yep.
The roof has got to go.
That would leave them vulnerable to predators.
What? Hello? We're in a prison.
Do you not see that fence with the barbed wire on top? - There's nothing coming in.
- Dragons! No.
And before you ask, they can't escape, because chickens can't fly.
That's what they want you to think.
All those in favor of opening the yard? That's not a majority, but since it's the only practical solution offered See? Okay, okay, okay.
- I am a fixer.
A fixer.
- You're a fixer.
You gonna hug me or what? I'm still trying to figure out if I should hug you or smack you.
Yeah, well, probably both, but Oh, man.
Hey, do I even want to know? I mean, I fucked up.
That's not what they got me on.
No.
Just be happy your daughters are grown.
Well, grown can fuck up, too.
Daya needs you.
A ton of drugs in this place, and she's deep in.
I couldn't stop her.
- Yeah, I'mma see about that.
- ICE kitchen crew, line up! Well, that's me.
Bye, girl.
Scoot over.
Ain't you gonna introduce me? This is Aleida.
Aleida, this is the crew.
Oh.
You got a crew now? I remember the last time you had a crew.
Did she ever tell you about the time she started a gang? What were they called? Oh, yeah.
The Rarities.
Because she was real into those pretty ponies with the tattoos on their butts and that was the name of her favorite one, Rarity.
Except it wasn't that rare, 'cause you get them at, like, Kmart.
Starlight Glimmer was my jam.
But then she begged me to take her riding in the park, and then what do you think happens when I do? Allergic.
She blows up like a brown Michelin Man.
Yo, check it.
You have to picture it.
Like, her eye was bulging out of her Yo.
Can I talk to you for a second? What, I can't horse around? Puns are the lowest form of humor.
You can't talk to me like this.
Like what? Like you're my little grown baby? I run this block.
Nothing happens here unless I say, so you need to show some respect.
Relax, sweetie.
You don't got to act tough anymore, 'cause I'm back.
Go, like, take a nap or whatever it was you were doing.
Go doodle a picture - or whatever.
- No.
No, you need to fall in line.
Like everybody else.
Are you about to cry? Or are your eyes so fucking red because you're a fucking junkie? Hmm? 'Cause I can't have no fucking junkie pushing product.
It's bad for profit margin.
So, who moves what around here? Diaz is point on that.
Honey, you're not processing.
Daya works for me.
You're all in this because of me.
So, in terms of a business structure I'm here, on top.
- Isn't that your girlfriend? - What? I don't know what you're talking about.
I believe you called her your "jalapeño popper"? It's over.
You left early to hit up that sale at Kay Jewelers.
What, are you tracking me? We both know that relationships between COs and inmates is off-limits.
- They're illegal.
- Also, it's a prosecutable offense, so, yeah, no, there is nothing going on between me and Aleida.
Inmate Diaz, the Oh, relax.
"Judge not, lest ye be judged.
" - You know who said that? - Jesus.
Tony Robbins.
I heard it at a seminar.
In fact, there's another one coming up in Wilmington next month.
But I'd need a few days off.
Do you think that'll be a problem? No.
No, no problem at all.
To be a true goddess hunter means to not only master the art of tracking, procuring, and preparing your own sustenance, but to do so with a gratitude and an understanding of our role in the universe's vast circle.
Take a moment to examine the bow.
Recognize its power both as an arbiter of death and a provider of life.
Recognize this multitude that exists within each of you.
Be proud of it.
Be wary of it.
One by one, I'd like each of you to come forward, take aim at that target, release something that's been holding you back.
It is vital that we set our intentions and clear our minds of anything that could keep us from a clean and honorable hunt.
I'm releasing the guilt for not protecting my mother from my abusive father.
Do we have to say our thing out loud? Only if you choose.
I feel like if you don't say it out loud, it's another form of keeping it locked inside.
Sometimes I breastfeed stoned.
I faked orgasms for the past year.
I don't feel like a mom.
Just me with a baby.
I've had sex with Charlie Rose and Matt Lauer.
It was consensual.
You're allowed to hold a weapon, right? That I should go again, right? Actually, that should tell you all you need to know.
Now, everybody, let's pair up and head into the forest for our first hunt! Only those who have obtained their hunting licenses and passed Hunter Safety will hunt.
The rest of you should find a spot in nature and observe your surroundings.
Practice being so still that if a deer were to walk by, they would have no idea that you were there.
Why don't you go off with Zelda? She seems cool, right? Go be still together.
What are you doing? I thought this was supposed to be a peaceful escape.
You know what's peaceful? Staring out at the dawn while lying in the arms of your lover.
Post-69.
That's not practicing stillness.
Guess that leaves us paired up again.
Guys, hurry up.
I figured out what I'm gonna do with that deporter douche's sunglasses.
We're gonna call it Operation Abominable Snowman.
You know, 'cause he's an ICE monster.
- What we're gonna do first - No.
- We're gonna boil it.
- Stop.
I mean it.
I'm not gonna do some dumb prank, messing with an ICE agent.
I'm getting out of here soon, and I'm not coming back like dumbass Aleida.
Maybe she slept in? Right, maybe she's enjoying the continental breakfast.
Jesus, Red, you had me thinking all kinds of bad thoughts.
And not the good bad thoughts.
Did you sleep okay? I'm fine.
You're making a big deal out of nothing.
Yeah, but yesterday I'm good as new.
I need you to mail this for me.
- There's no address on it.
- I know that.
That's why I'm giving it to you.
You have a cell phone.
Find the address.
Uh Is this a friend of yours? That's none of your business.
Hey, I'm just trying to make some polite small talk before possibly sending an anthrax note.
If you keep asking pointless questions, I'll ask someone else.
Give me a second to adjust here.
You scared the living shit out of me yesterday.
Okay, yesterday, yes I got confused.
I was tired.
But I'm fine now.
Really.
Sending this letter will help me.
Do I need to ask someone else? No, no, I, uh, I can do it.
I got you.
That's my good girl.
Ilya will drive up as soon as Mikhail signals.
Maybe we shouldn't send Mikhail with the rookie.
He is our connection to the Serbs.
This time you really got on my nerves.
Enough is enough.
Are you ever going to let me speak? My dear, it's not your place to teach me how to conduct business.
Then why am I sitting at this table, if you don't need my opinion? I might as well wait in the freezer while the men talk, if you don't want me to speak up when I notice mistakes.
I'm listening.
Enlighten me.
We shouldn't take Ilya tomorrow.
He is very nice, but he is still a boy.
You think I should cut him loose? No, he knows too much.
Keep him on lookout.
Have him run errands.
It's late to make a change.
Yes, but last-minute changes are better than failure.
Get Danila or Konstantin.
They're eager to prove themselves and aren't such mama's boys.
Ilya is not a mama's boy.
I'm a mama.
I know mama's boys.
- I found Diablo.
- You did? Where is he? He's in a detention center in Georgia.
Oh, my God.
Okay, well, at least he's still in the country.
Listen.
I got his alien number, but it wasn't easy.
They had him down as Daria in the database instead of Dario.
From behind, I see how you make that mistake.
He is a man with hips.
I wish I knew more.
No.
At least I can write him now.
Thank you.
Freezer round two? Is there anywhere else? The place is kinda haunted for me now.
I mean, I rarely say this, but, yeah, I'm not in the mood.
What is that? You have a girlfriend? No, Red asked me to send this for her.
Mmm.
And you don't know if you should send it without reading it first.
Um, no, as a rule, I don't really, you know, read people's sealed letters.
Sure, but, uh What? When my grandmother first got sick, she made these horrible late-night phone calls.
Told her brother he was illegitimate.
She lost all sense of what she should and should not say.
We realized she was starting to lose it.
Red isn't losing it, all right? I talked to her this morning.
She said she got a little bit confused, and she feels fine now.
In my experience, this can get very bad, very quickly.
Some days, my grandmother was fine.
And others, she didn't know my face.
You don't know Red.
Loyalty is everything.
You do as you're told.
So I'm gonna send this letter because she told me to.
I understand.
You love her.
You don't want to see it.
And I only see it because I care for you.
We all have blind spots.
Put it on a scale.
Like, uh, one to ten, how into me are you? Eleven.
Well, I'm gonna be googling that.
What are you doing here? Surprise! I'm your tutor.
What? Mr.
Fantauzzo told me he was gonna send someone more qualified.
I graduated high school.
That equals qualified.
Okay, so, when is the real tutor supposed to show up? Look, I'm here, okay? And ain't nobody else coming through that door.
So, do you want help or not? Okay.
So, for the first one here, you're going to read this paragraph and you're going to pick which sentence does not fit.
I read it? Okay.
"Thought Thomas Jefferson's toast for expensive home furnishings and wine contra contrabanded towd Toe whered Toward! Toward!" What? - You fakin'.
- What? I have seen you give entire 20-minute sermons about how thongs turn you gay.
I I mean, I've seen you recite, like, whole passages of the Bible word-for-word, so Well, that's because God was channeling through me.
Okay.
And the things I memorized from Anita Bryant.
Pretending to be dumb might've worked for some of your teachers, but I know you have a brain.
If you wanna pass, you gotta try.
Oh, I got a brain.
It's just wired a little different.
That's why I asked for a special tutor.
I mean, I can understand everything you're saying.
It's just that when I look at this page here, it's, like, really fuzzy and it it zooms in and out.
And Mr.
Fantauzzo said that I have a mutant in my tempura lobe.
Hmm.
I didn't know that.
Okay.
Um So, should we start with the alphabet No! See? No! I can fucking read, stupid! I'm just trying to see where you are.
That is it.
Okay, well, I'm not an r-tard.
You see that? You saw how I didn't use the whole word, right? Why? 'Cause that would be rude, and I'm not rude.
I actually respect people, unlike some people I know.
Hey, what the fuck was that, inmate? You think I didn't see that, Ms.
Munoz? Oh, fuck.
Ah, I'm gonna need medical in C106.
Fucking cigarettes? Those things will kill you.
So have you always wanted to kill for food and leather? I wouldn't say that Neri misled me, but she did emphasize the sister-bonding, vision-boarding aspect of this more than the - Murder? - Yes.
Are you here for the murder? Oh, absolutely.
Exclusively.
Not at all because I wanted to have a weekend where I didn't have to worry about running into my ex-wife and one of her recent conquests on the F train.
Oh, my God, I just heard it.
The F train.
Look, I know that casual sex is having a moment right now, but I am not going to have sex with you.
Good to know.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh! Neri's had a bee in her bonnet about getting me to expand my sexual horizons, and she keeps dropping hints about you and me.
So, I thought you were in on it.
I've met Neri once.
At Maia's baby shower.
We played a game where we pretended melted Snickers was poop.
You should know I've had a very strange year and a half.
Hmm? You were on the space station? No, it's more like I was in a cult and I'm learning how to re-enter society.
Was it a sex cult? Is that why you're being so weird? No, I wasn't actually in a cult.
We ask you, O Earth Creator, for your forgiveness in taking the life of this humble, yet noble beast.
I saw hooves and heard grunting.
It must have wandered off from a nearby farm.
Should we leave a note? What do we do? Psst.
Hmm.
Yeah.
We need to talk business.
That's the last thing I wanna hear about.
Well, my kids need to eat and this is how I provide.
Do you see this? The prison medic says that it's stress-induced.
What do you gotta be stressed about? I don't know, maybe weekly exchanges with your ex, Cesar, who's a little intimidating.
Raising four kids by myself.
Or the fact that if someone found out about us, I go to federal prison.
You are in federal prison.
This isn't a joke.
My heart is breaking without you.
I hate seeing you in here like this.
Yo, you need to relax.
Yeah, no, it's not ideal, but now that I'm in here, we can make changes.
We'll streamline the business so la idiota can detox.
Plus, we can have some more one-on-one time.
I miss you, too.
You do? Now that your hands ain't all over me all the time, I can't stop fucking thinkin' about them.
Yeah.
Yo, remember that time outside of the Denny's parking lot? You ate three Moons Over My Hammy after that, you remember? Yo.
You know the closets in here.
Any of them big enough for two? Good.
'Cause we gonna need it.
Love you.
Hey, this this woman is a ghost, you know.
She's not on Instagram.
She's not on Facebook.
You're not gonna find her on social media.
She's old.
You have to look at the Whitepages or Spokeo.
So, you and this Shani girl, you seem pretty close, huh? I gotta tell you, I don't trust her.
If she was willing to break the law by coming into this country, what is she willing to do once she's here for good? Look around.
We all broke the law.
But that is different.
When you're a citizen, it's your right.
She didn't earn that right.
I bet she wants to green-card marry you like that French guy with the nose.
You know, I really need to get back to searching for an old Russian lady with no digital footprint, so, if you aren't gonna help me Hey, hold on.
Female, 58.
Holy shit.
This has to be her.
- You have to pay for the address? - No, don't do that.
Just call the number, say you're from Publishers Clearing House and she won the grand prize, and you want to make sure she's home when the cameras are there and the big check arrives, so you have to confirm the address.
Can she please repeat that back to you? "Thank you very much.
" If only we could just harness your brain for good.
Did you think it was a baby deer? 'Cause we're not supposed to kill Bambi, either.
I can't stop thinking about the name tag.
Wasn't the entire point of this weekend to kill something? A deer is game.
This is a 4-H pet.
Oh, like you've never eaten a lamb chop.
You know, I think everyone's just trying to process here.
Goddesses, clearly Neri is upset by her mistake.
It doesn't serve us to judge her or her actions.
Imposing guilt or shame won't magically change the past.
The path back to happiness is through the ownership of any pain that you've caused or any trauma that you've endured.
Neri, please repeat after me.
"I killed a sheep.
" I killed a sheep.
Continue until you're in control of your words.
I killed a sheep.
I killed a sheep.
I killed a sheep.
I killed a sheep.
Yes, you did.
Now, let's talk about the art of butchery! When the indigenous Americans hunted, they utilized the entire animal, from the meat to the hide to the sinews that connect muscle to bone.
Sinews make wonderful cordage.
I'm 12% Native American.
Freckles will not be wasted.
Her death will have purpose as we utilize all of her.
As we butcher this animal, I want you to honor all the parts of yourselves.
When we deem certain parts of ourselves as bad and other parts as good, we are only setting ourselves up to be unhappy.
So welcome the dark and the light.
It is called radical self-acceptance, and it means embracing every part of who you are.
Is that a fetus? More parts than we expected.
Nature has given us a bounty.
We're not gonna have to eat that, are we? I wanna try again.
You disrespected me.
I know, and I'm sorry, okay? I'm new to this tutoring thing, and I'm learning, too.
So, I've been studyin' the right way to help you.
I was reading this workbook, and it turns out, it's pretty cool.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
It turns out there's all these different kind of ways to read.
They even got something called ear reading, which, at first, I thought was cheating, but it turns out, it's actually legit.
Yeah, whatever.
I'm never gonna pass that stupid test.
I got you this.
I don't huff anymore.
The book says it helps to highlight your words as you read.
That way, you know what you already read and you don't get lost.
Look, Suzanne didn't give up on me.
And I want to pay that forward and not give up on you.
You're lucky I got a forgiving spirit.
Yo.
Psst.
Your intel checked out.
So, I got what I needed and now you get what you need.
I got something from my private stash.
I decided to upgrade you, 'cause, you know, I'm generous like that.
So, you take this.
You go down easy, easy.
Not like Daddy did.
Yo, I'll see you later.
That's ten eggs.
A 233% improvement rate.
I have to say, this sunlight theory appears to have legs.
Or should I say "eggs"? - I'll allow it.
- Yeah? I think you both mean "drumsticks.
" Either way, chicken crisis averted, thanks to you.
Thank you, thank you.
What can I say? When I look into their chicken faces, I just understand them.
I think it's because I think of them as people.
Chickens actually see substantially better than people.
They have two additional cones.
They can see colors we can't even dream of.
Since one of the tenets of farm therapy is that taking responsibility for creatures other than yourself empowers you, Ms.
Warren, you have earned the position of Mayor of, uh, New Cluck City.
What? Oh! I'm gonna need a podium and two flags flanking me at all times.
New Cluck City? Nothing? It should have been me.
Thank you.
Thank you for your service.
Thank you.
Oh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Everything's Everything's changed.
The responsibility Look, before, my life was And now my life is the mayor.
I promise to bring together this divided house of chickens.
I promise to fight for you.
And for every citizen in this coop, - I promise to ensure - Wait, wait, wait.
Can I please May I please be your lieutenant? Yes, you can.
- I can? Really? - Yes, you can! - Yes, you can! - Yes, I can! Yes, you can.
Is it true you didn't mean to shoot that guard in the riot? Of course I did.
Who told you that? Aleida said it was an accident.
I'm on your side, but the others are beginning to question.
Aleida wasn't even there.
You gonna sit or you gonna help? I meant to shoot him.
It was only an accident that he died.
Oh, it was a half-accident.
Aleida said she would have shot him in the balls and the head.
Femme fatale-style.
Fuck Aleida.
Coming in here like she deserves a spot at the top, when I earned it.
- With your help.
- Yeah.
She is beginning to act entitled.
Whatever.
She may be charming in the beginning and all, but all she's good for is breakin' promises and fuckin' bald losers.
No, it's a tub.
It's not in this bag.
Is your mother gonna blame us for this? Oh, that fucking bitch! She did this.
She cut us out.
I heard you can find people.
I need to find my sister.
No, no, no.
That was a one-time deal for a friend.
Please.
I have no one else to ask.
- I'll see what I can do.
- Thank you.
God bless you.
Oh.
Ladies, outdoor time is over.
Line up against the far wall in an orderly fashion.
Against the wall! Now! What the actual fuck? Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
I think the handle must have got stuck.
I think it's broken.
Let's go! - Oh, whoa! Flash flood? - Step aside, inmate.
Jeez, man, I come in peace.
I found Luda.
Good.
You sent it.
Good girl.
I couldn't find the address.
I had to, uh, call her.
I talked to her.
So? What did she say? She wanted me to read her the letter.
And? And she said that you already sent her that same letter ten years ago.
The same apology.
She said she didn't forgive you then, and she isn't ready to forgive you now.
About what happened with her son.
I never I never sent her a letter.
See, I I think that, you know, maybe you did.
And, you know, you just forgot.
You know, like you forgot why you were in the freezer.
I told you, huh? It was a blip.
I'm fine now.
I think we need to go see a doctor.
Oh, you think, do you? For what? So they can put me on a leash and feed me through a tube for the rest of my life? They can drag me out of this kitchen when I die.
I am only saying this because I love you, Ma.
- Please, okay? - You had no right to read that letter.
- I trusted you and you betrayed me.
- No.
You asked me for my help, - and so that is what I did.
- We're done! The boys are at Jelina's.
We could go out together.
What about Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Don't you wanna see if that college student wins? What does he need a million dollars for? They always think they know, and guess, and poof! They never walk away.
Not everyone is smart as my Galina.
Well done.
You didn't let us down.
You've proved that you are ready.
No, we've talked about it.
Inspectors come unannounced.
Don't worry, we will come tomorrow and get everything done.
Galina, thank you very much for your advice.
Ilya was a real mama's boy.
We couldn't use him.
Gali Do we got a dozen birds present and accounted for, Mayor Warren? Don't worry.
Getting it.
You got two minutes.
Lieutenant, I'm going to shoo the birds over there and you count off, and don't let them come back to my side.
Okay.
Gotcha.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven One, two, three, four Ten, eleven, twelve Uh, mayor, do you think that when he said, "There's a dozen chickens," that he meant a baker's dozen? Like, 13 chickens? No, no, no.
You're counting wrong.
You gotta use the voice.
There's one, one chicken! Two, two chickens! Three, three noble birds! Four Okay, wait.
One, two, three, four - I declare a thumb war.
- five, six, seven, eight, nine - Classic tactic of the puppet state.
- Nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.
Wait, there is a surplus.
Yeah, I knew that "no flying" thing was just a big fake out.
No, this is a foreign chicken.
Look, all these chickens look the same.
Maybe there was 13 chickens the whole time.
No, not all brown chickens look the same.
This chicken has white spots and black tips.
That Wait.
I've seen I've seen this chicken.
Oh! Maybe she tunneled in like El Chapo.
See, that would be the twist right there.
No, no, no.
This is a special chicken.
This is a magical chicken.
Okay.
I'mma go tell Alvarez.
What? No! I'm the mayor.
This is my jurisdiction.
Now, what would a mayor do? He'd be mayoral.
I declare that this chicken can stay.
This chicken deserves to be here.
Now, I was right about the sunlight.
I know I'm right about this.
I'm not convinced at all.
- You almost done? - No, we cannot tell him.
- You got 13! - We're not going to tell him.
'Cause he will blame me for the magic chicken, for it magically coming in here, and he will strip me of my authority.
And you of yours.
I expose conspiracies.
I do not participate in conspiracies.
Do we have a dozen? Hopper finally invited me to happy hour.
I don't want to be any later than 15 minutes early.
Yes, we absolutely have - a dozen.
- Thirteen.
Thirteen is a very, very unlucky number.
You gotta look out for them omens! You're not Creech.
She's still in medical.
I'm supposed to search the room for contraband.
I, uh I'm sorry.
I was so caught up in my own shit, I didn't realize how much I was putting you at risk.
Welcome to the life of a drug lord.
You know, it took me four years to get this job.
Everyone claims they wanna help soldiers coming home.
"Thank you for your service.
" But no one's willing to put up with the reality that comes with that.
I can't control my temper.
I fucking burn myself.
Since coming home, I've gone through, like, eight jobs.
I got fired from Dairy Queen after I snapped and cussed out a kid.
Then Walmart let me go when I cussed out another kid.
You'll never guess what happened when I dressed up as Little Mermaid for a kid's party.
I'm guessing you didn't give up your voice for a man and live happily ever after.
At first, I took out credit cards to buy groceries.
Then I used the cash advances to pay rent.
I got underwater, like, immediately.
I can't afford to lose this job.
Otherwise, I would've quit when y'all took me hostage in that riot.
Yeah, that wasn't our best moment.
I don't want to force you to do anything.
If you wanna stop, you can stop.
There's a couple of chargers in there as a "thank you," or "I'm sorry," or whatever.
I bet you do look like a mermaid with your hair down.
How mad do you think they're all gonna be when they find out we took this? We're still using all the parts.
It's tree fertilizer.
Yeah, and it's also honoring what Freckles would have wanted.
I mean, I don't think I'm anthropomorphizing to assume that Freckles would prefer her baby not be turned into a change purse.
- Or maybe one tiny mitten.
- Eww.
Do we say a few words? Dear Freckles Junior I'm sorry you never got to live.
At least you never had to pay alimony.
Tough breakup, huh? You know the most pathetic part? We've been over for seven months.
I may have to revisit Rio's arrow release exercise.
Me, too.
I need to release prison.
I recently got out of federal prison.
I'm not dangerous or anything, but it It's a part of me, and I've been hiding it and I need to embrace it.
I carried a bag of drug money, and it was illegal, and I pled guilty, and I went to prison, and I met parts of myself lurking inside of me that I didn't even know were in there.
And it was like 4% of my life.
But it was enough to change absolutely everything.
And I have no idea who I am now.
We should go.
I don't know if illegal disposal of a sheep fetus is in violation of my parole.
Or we could just stay here for a while.
Biology.
Eva didn't say they were gonna send you back.
What are those kids supposed to do now? I handled it.
They're staying with Hopper.
You're such a fucking dumbass.
What the fuck you just call me? This is stupid.
I thought so.
Don't forget, I'm still your fucking mother.
Where's all the brown-haired ones? Red isn't feeling so hot, so Litvack said we could take her back early.
Okay.
Don't let her cough on anything.
King just got over his first cold, and I am not going back to that circle of hell.
We had to literally suck snot out of his nose.
It's love, but it is disgusting.
- Sani wipe? - Thanks.
Come on.
Give me your hands.
Give me.
Come on.
All right.
All right, what happened in there? Why were you in the freezer? I I was looking for something.
- The Northwest Passage? - No, I wasn't in there that long.
Red, I am worried that there's something, uh, something wrong with you.
I'm surprised you even noticed I was gone.
You're so busy conquering Cleopatra.
Yeah, I I notice a lot of things.
Can we talk about this? Sorry.
I got stuck listening to customers complain about how they can't get decent stroganina outside of Omsk.
And now I complain to you.
What did I miss? Mikhail has a line on the Serb importer.
Ilya will go with him.
See what they can coax out of him.
I think it's time to go.
But what about the new business? We can discuss that another day.
I spoke to Olga again.
She says these retirement communities are only going to keep popping up.
- If we get in at the beginning - Sure, sure.
Next time.
And maybe some of those tea cakes too.
For next time.
They can't wait five minute? I'm offering a gold mine here.
And it's not even illegal.
They'll get excited when they finally hear it.
Every time they forget I'm the one with the good ideas.
The prison contract? That was me.
They take my ideas and then present them as their own.
So, meeting with the Serb? You ready for that? Do you think it's too late to marry Sonya Chekova? My mother thinks her dad could get me into courses at the Gem Society.
You don't wanna be a diamond cutter at Zales.
And you don't want to live next door to your mother.
That's the only reason Luda is nice to that stupid girl.
You can do better than Sonya Chekova, with her underbite.
Last time we went out, the guy didn't die all the way.
Vlad had to finish him with a tire iron.
I don't wanna know about these things.
His eye popped out of his head like a slinky toy.
Maybe they have another job you can do? I could ask.
No, I'm fine.
I can handle it.
I don't know why I'm complaining.
Good things come to those who stay late.
Oh.
That's me.
Your mother can wait.
Have your cookie.
She'll yell at me.
It's not worth it.
Good night.
A goddess hunter must always shoulder the weight of her own weapons.
It's lesson number one of the retreat.
I'm embracing the change of scenery, if not the concept.
When Kiki bailed from her non-refundable spot, I knew it was serendipity.
I thought, "Who in my life would be first to die in a nuclear apocalypse?" - Everybody.
- Piper! Because you've lost your inner compass, and your knife skills are atrocious.
I'm not quite sure how those two things relate to each other, but it's nice for the opportunity to shift my focus.
The last few days have been less than satisfying.
I cannot do sex with strangers.
Well, maybe not stranger strangers.
Would you consider a friend of a friend? That's less stranger strange.
I thought that we were here to reclaim our power as huntresses and sustenance providers.
Yes, but we must also be open to whatever bounty the Earth Mother provides, be it prey or partner.
Piper, you remember Maia, right? From the baby group? Of course.
It's so nice to see you.
Don't worry, I won't say a word about the whole felon thing.
I appreciate that.
Oh! This weekend is gonna be so primal! Okay, I would like for everyone to just take a minute and close her eyes.
Listen to the birds, the wind.
The voice of nature whirring all around.
Listen to where the spirit guides are telling you to rest your bodies and claim the best bedroom for yourself.
Sucker! Mama gets the queen bed! I am star-fishing tonight! You a top or a bottom? I'm an "anywhere I lay my head is home.
" - Hey, Zelda.
Hi.
- Hello.
- You are gonna love Piper.
- She's super used to bunk beds.
- We said six o'clock.
- I know.
Count got fucked up.
They had to redo it three times.
That's good.
I thought maybe you weren't coming because of I got it.
I got it.
I'm sorry, you know, about, um, kissing you.
I don't know why, I just, um That was stupid, right? Yes, it was inappropriate.
I just I thought we were both feeling some feelings - I wasn't.
- Hmm.
I'm married.
I'm not trying to force an inmate to have sexual relations with me.
You are forcing me to sell contraband, so it seems like a slippery slope.
You asked me for help.
To get out from under fucking Hellman.
Not to become your mule.
I saved you from a rapey asshole.
I got you a job and money.
Great job.
If I get caught, I get additional time on my sentence.
Phone chargers, they were your idea.
Because it's better than heroin.
So, I guess I'm the asshole, then.
Am I dismissed? Don't be late again.
Wait, I can't I finally get invited to the Corrections Summit in the Cayman Islands, only to have to fly home early to mop up a shit mess.
I had to leave before Michael Bolton performed.
I did my best with the little time you gave me and that newscaster hell-bent on trying to trap me All you had to do was stick to the talking points.
That is why I printed out talking points.
Nowhere in them did it say we were reallocating Psych funds for fucking chickens.
I had to give her something.
Then you should have given me a heads-up before it aired.
Instead, I had to sit there and watch you wing it in a room full of my all-male colleagues.
And you should have seen the look on Jack's sunburned face when he watched you disappear his profit margins like a low-rent Ricky Jay.
May he rest in peace.
Okay Look, I know that this is a hard job.
But I want you to know that I fought for you.
No one else wanted you here.
I knew you were an out-of-the-box pick, but I thought I saw something special in you.
So believe me when I say that this is coming from a good place.
You are royally fucking up this golden opportunity.
If I hear about you spending money on programs, we will shut them down.
So, no, you cannot have a Special Ed GED tutor or a grain silo for chicken feed.
Don't do anything more than what is being asked of you, okay? Okay.
You want some coffee? Tea? Ovaltine? No.
Uh, I did not hear you come in.
Um Any news from your lawyer? I sent off the book to her.
She says her team will have a look, so You all right? Um Do you think I'm fucking it up? From where I sit, no, you're not.
In fact, you're the first warden to even try to make this place better.
There's no money.
How can I keep doing good if the programs are shut down? Get some volunteers.
They don't cost you nothing but some thank-yous.
Check it, all right? - You need GED tutors, right? - Yeah.
Why don't you get them white-collar bitches who insider traded? They're all in minimum.
That's a crime that pays for good lawyers.
What about you, Taystee? I got a job.
It keeps me very busy But this isn't a job.
It's volunteering, remember? - I don't have time - Okay, I can fire you, and and you'll have plenty of time.
Okay.
I'll find time.
I will find time.
Thank you.
- Question.
- Yeah? Who is Ricky Jay? Who is Michael Bolton? Good day to you, Miss Cluckadoo! Might I examine your nesting box? An egg is a tiny miracle, isn't it? It's life and life's sustenance all at once.
Okay, why are you so happy? Did you get some new meds? 'Cause I want some of those.
Unless they make you speedy, 'cause I'm just speedy enough as it is.
No, what you are seeing is the joy a person feels when they single-handedly, through the power of their own words, can turn the course of another person's life.
- Oh! - Look.
Look.
"Dear Suzanne, thank you for being a " "A bull-headed, refuse-to-listen-to-reason pain in the ass.
" "I think this book might actually help, so I'm sending it to my lawyer"? "I'm sorry I doubted you in the first place.
" "Your friend " Huh? - "Taystee.
" - Wow.
That's really cool.
Yeah, it turns out I'm a fixer.
Like Olivia Pope or Woodward and Berenstain Bear.
Move chicken, chicken.
Move.
Hmm.
Only three? Yet we have 12 chickens, so it stands to reason we should have closer to 12 eggs.
Give or take.
Ladies, gather round.
It appears we have our first chicken crisis.
A foul fowl? Uh I'll allow it.
Now, why are our chickens not producing eggs? The eggs can get stuck inside the cloaca.
We could reach inside and grab the eggs out.
Oh! Maybe the chickens are eating their own eggs! They're cannibal chickens.
It happens, you know.
It does.
But we would see evidence of their abomination.
I'm not seeing pecked-out shells.
Ms.
Warren? Your solve? They need sunlight.
Do chickens go through menopause? 'Cause we can make a test of their hormones The coop is too dark, and the yard, it's covered.
They need those harmful UVs.
Vitamin D is vital for egg production.
Mmm-hmm.
Yep.
The roof has got to go.
That would leave them vulnerable to predators.
What? Hello? We're in a prison.
Do you not see that fence with the barbed wire on top? - There's nothing coming in.
- Dragons! No.
And before you ask, they can't escape, because chickens can't fly.
That's what they want you to think.
All those in favor of opening the yard? That's not a majority, but since it's the only practical solution offered See? Okay, okay, okay.
- I am a fixer.
A fixer.
- You're a fixer.
You gonna hug me or what? I'm still trying to figure out if I should hug you or smack you.
Yeah, well, probably both, but Oh, man.
Hey, do I even want to know? I mean, I fucked up.
That's not what they got me on.
No.
Just be happy your daughters are grown.
Well, grown can fuck up, too.
Daya needs you.
A ton of drugs in this place, and she's deep in.
I couldn't stop her.
- Yeah, I'mma see about that.
- ICE kitchen crew, line up! Well, that's me.
Bye, girl.
Scoot over.
Ain't you gonna introduce me? This is Aleida.
Aleida, this is the crew.
Oh.
You got a crew now? I remember the last time you had a crew.
Did she ever tell you about the time she started a gang? What were they called? Oh, yeah.
The Rarities.
Because she was real into those pretty ponies with the tattoos on their butts and that was the name of her favorite one, Rarity.
Except it wasn't that rare, 'cause you get them at, like, Kmart.
Starlight Glimmer was my jam.
But then she begged me to take her riding in the park, and then what do you think happens when I do? Allergic.
She blows up like a brown Michelin Man.
Yo, check it.
You have to picture it.
Like, her eye was bulging out of her Yo.
Can I talk to you for a second? What, I can't horse around? Puns are the lowest form of humor.
You can't talk to me like this.
Like what? Like you're my little grown baby? I run this block.
Nothing happens here unless I say, so you need to show some respect.
Relax, sweetie.
You don't got to act tough anymore, 'cause I'm back.
Go, like, take a nap or whatever it was you were doing.
Go doodle a picture - or whatever.
- No.
No, you need to fall in line.
Like everybody else.
Are you about to cry? Or are your eyes so fucking red because you're a fucking junkie? Hmm? 'Cause I can't have no fucking junkie pushing product.
It's bad for profit margin.
So, who moves what around here? Diaz is point on that.
Honey, you're not processing.
Daya works for me.
You're all in this because of me.
So, in terms of a business structure I'm here, on top.
- Isn't that your girlfriend? - What? I don't know what you're talking about.
I believe you called her your "jalapeño popper"? It's over.
You left early to hit up that sale at Kay Jewelers.
What, are you tracking me? We both know that relationships between COs and inmates is off-limits.
- They're illegal.
- Also, it's a prosecutable offense, so, yeah, no, there is nothing going on between me and Aleida.
Inmate Diaz, the Oh, relax.
"Judge not, lest ye be judged.
" - You know who said that? - Jesus.
Tony Robbins.
I heard it at a seminar.
In fact, there's another one coming up in Wilmington next month.
But I'd need a few days off.
Do you think that'll be a problem? No.
No, no problem at all.
To be a true goddess hunter means to not only master the art of tracking, procuring, and preparing your own sustenance, but to do so with a gratitude and an understanding of our role in the universe's vast circle.
Take a moment to examine the bow.
Recognize its power both as an arbiter of death and a provider of life.
Recognize this multitude that exists within each of you.
Be proud of it.
Be wary of it.
One by one, I'd like each of you to come forward, take aim at that target, release something that's been holding you back.
It is vital that we set our intentions and clear our minds of anything that could keep us from a clean and honorable hunt.
I'm releasing the guilt for not protecting my mother from my abusive father.
Do we have to say our thing out loud? Only if you choose.
I feel like if you don't say it out loud, it's another form of keeping it locked inside.
Sometimes I breastfeed stoned.
I faked orgasms for the past year.
I don't feel like a mom.
Just me with a baby.
I've had sex with Charlie Rose and Matt Lauer.
It was consensual.
You're allowed to hold a weapon, right? That I should go again, right? Actually, that should tell you all you need to know.
Now, everybody, let's pair up and head into the forest for our first hunt! Only those who have obtained their hunting licenses and passed Hunter Safety will hunt.
The rest of you should find a spot in nature and observe your surroundings.
Practice being so still that if a deer were to walk by, they would have no idea that you were there.
Why don't you go off with Zelda? She seems cool, right? Go be still together.
What are you doing? I thought this was supposed to be a peaceful escape.
You know what's peaceful? Staring out at the dawn while lying in the arms of your lover.
Post-69.
That's not practicing stillness.
Guess that leaves us paired up again.
Guys, hurry up.
I figured out what I'm gonna do with that deporter douche's sunglasses.
We're gonna call it Operation Abominable Snowman.
You know, 'cause he's an ICE monster.
- What we're gonna do first - No.
- We're gonna boil it.
- Stop.
I mean it.
I'm not gonna do some dumb prank, messing with an ICE agent.
I'm getting out of here soon, and I'm not coming back like dumbass Aleida.
Maybe she slept in? Right, maybe she's enjoying the continental breakfast.
Jesus, Red, you had me thinking all kinds of bad thoughts.
And not the good bad thoughts.
Did you sleep okay? I'm fine.
You're making a big deal out of nothing.
Yeah, but yesterday I'm good as new.
I need you to mail this for me.
- There's no address on it.
- I know that.
That's why I'm giving it to you.
You have a cell phone.
Find the address.
Uh Is this a friend of yours? That's none of your business.
Hey, I'm just trying to make some polite small talk before possibly sending an anthrax note.
If you keep asking pointless questions, I'll ask someone else.
Give me a second to adjust here.
You scared the living shit out of me yesterday.
Okay, yesterday, yes I got confused.
I was tired.
But I'm fine now.
Really.
Sending this letter will help me.
Do I need to ask someone else? No, no, I, uh, I can do it.
I got you.
That's my good girl.
Ilya will drive up as soon as Mikhail signals.
Maybe we shouldn't send Mikhail with the rookie.
He is our connection to the Serbs.
This time you really got on my nerves.
Enough is enough.
Are you ever going to let me speak? My dear, it's not your place to teach me how to conduct business.
Then why am I sitting at this table, if you don't need my opinion? I might as well wait in the freezer while the men talk, if you don't want me to speak up when I notice mistakes.
I'm listening.
Enlighten me.
We shouldn't take Ilya tomorrow.
He is very nice, but he is still a boy.
You think I should cut him loose? No, he knows too much.
Keep him on lookout.
Have him run errands.
It's late to make a change.
Yes, but last-minute changes are better than failure.
Get Danila or Konstantin.
They're eager to prove themselves and aren't such mama's boys.
Ilya is not a mama's boy.
I'm a mama.
I know mama's boys.
- I found Diablo.
- You did? Where is he? He's in a detention center in Georgia.
Oh, my God.
Okay, well, at least he's still in the country.
Listen.
I got his alien number, but it wasn't easy.
They had him down as Daria in the database instead of Dario.
From behind, I see how you make that mistake.
He is a man with hips.
I wish I knew more.
No.
At least I can write him now.
Thank you.
Freezer round two? Is there anywhere else? The place is kinda haunted for me now.
I mean, I rarely say this, but, yeah, I'm not in the mood.
What is that? You have a girlfriend? No, Red asked me to send this for her.
Mmm.
And you don't know if you should send it without reading it first.
Um, no, as a rule, I don't really, you know, read people's sealed letters.
Sure, but, uh What? When my grandmother first got sick, she made these horrible late-night phone calls.
Told her brother he was illegitimate.
She lost all sense of what she should and should not say.
We realized she was starting to lose it.
Red isn't losing it, all right? I talked to her this morning.
She said she got a little bit confused, and she feels fine now.
In my experience, this can get very bad, very quickly.
Some days, my grandmother was fine.
And others, she didn't know my face.
You don't know Red.
Loyalty is everything.
You do as you're told.
So I'm gonna send this letter because she told me to.
I understand.
You love her.
You don't want to see it.
And I only see it because I care for you.
We all have blind spots.
Put it on a scale.
Like, uh, one to ten, how into me are you? Eleven.
Well, I'm gonna be googling that.
What are you doing here? Surprise! I'm your tutor.
What? Mr.
Fantauzzo told me he was gonna send someone more qualified.
I graduated high school.
That equals qualified.
Okay, so, when is the real tutor supposed to show up? Look, I'm here, okay? And ain't nobody else coming through that door.
So, do you want help or not? Okay.
So, for the first one here, you're going to read this paragraph and you're going to pick which sentence does not fit.
I read it? Okay.
"Thought Thomas Jefferson's toast for expensive home furnishings and wine contra contrabanded towd Toe whered Toward! Toward!" What? - You fakin'.
- What? I have seen you give entire 20-minute sermons about how thongs turn you gay.
I I mean, I've seen you recite, like, whole passages of the Bible word-for-word, so Well, that's because God was channeling through me.
Okay.
And the things I memorized from Anita Bryant.
Pretending to be dumb might've worked for some of your teachers, but I know you have a brain.
If you wanna pass, you gotta try.
Oh, I got a brain.
It's just wired a little different.
That's why I asked for a special tutor.
I mean, I can understand everything you're saying.
It's just that when I look at this page here, it's, like, really fuzzy and it it zooms in and out.
And Mr.
Fantauzzo said that I have a mutant in my tempura lobe.
Hmm.
I didn't know that.
Okay.
Um So, should we start with the alphabet No! See? No! I can fucking read, stupid! I'm just trying to see where you are.
That is it.
Okay, well, I'm not an r-tard.
You see that? You saw how I didn't use the whole word, right? Why? 'Cause that would be rude, and I'm not rude.
I actually respect people, unlike some people I know.
Hey, what the fuck was that, inmate? You think I didn't see that, Ms.
Munoz? Oh, fuck.
Ah, I'm gonna need medical in C106.
Fucking cigarettes? Those things will kill you.
So have you always wanted to kill for food and leather? I wouldn't say that Neri misled me, but she did emphasize the sister-bonding, vision-boarding aspect of this more than the - Murder? - Yes.
Are you here for the murder? Oh, absolutely.
Exclusively.
Not at all because I wanted to have a weekend where I didn't have to worry about running into my ex-wife and one of her recent conquests on the F train.
Oh, my God, I just heard it.
The F train.
Look, I know that casual sex is having a moment right now, but I am not going to have sex with you.
Good to know.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh! Neri's had a bee in her bonnet about getting me to expand my sexual horizons, and she keeps dropping hints about you and me.
So, I thought you were in on it.
I've met Neri once.
At Maia's baby shower.
We played a game where we pretended melted Snickers was poop.
You should know I've had a very strange year and a half.
Hmm? You were on the space station? No, it's more like I was in a cult and I'm learning how to re-enter society.
Was it a sex cult? Is that why you're being so weird? No, I wasn't actually in a cult.
We ask you, O Earth Creator, for your forgiveness in taking the life of this humble, yet noble beast.
I saw hooves and heard grunting.
It must have wandered off from a nearby farm.
Should we leave a note? What do we do? Psst.
Hmm.
Yeah.
We need to talk business.
That's the last thing I wanna hear about.
Well, my kids need to eat and this is how I provide.
Do you see this? The prison medic says that it's stress-induced.
What do you gotta be stressed about? I don't know, maybe weekly exchanges with your ex, Cesar, who's a little intimidating.
Raising four kids by myself.
Or the fact that if someone found out about us, I go to federal prison.
You are in federal prison.
This isn't a joke.
My heart is breaking without you.
I hate seeing you in here like this.
Yo, you need to relax.
Yeah, no, it's not ideal, but now that I'm in here, we can make changes.
We'll streamline the business so la idiota can detox.
Plus, we can have some more one-on-one time.
I miss you, too.
You do? Now that your hands ain't all over me all the time, I can't stop fucking thinkin' about them.
Yeah.
Yo, remember that time outside of the Denny's parking lot? You ate three Moons Over My Hammy after that, you remember? Yo.
You know the closets in here.
Any of them big enough for two? Good.
'Cause we gonna need it.
Love you.
Hey, this this woman is a ghost, you know.
She's not on Instagram.
She's not on Facebook.
You're not gonna find her on social media.
She's old.
You have to look at the Whitepages or Spokeo.
So, you and this Shani girl, you seem pretty close, huh? I gotta tell you, I don't trust her.
If she was willing to break the law by coming into this country, what is she willing to do once she's here for good? Look around.
We all broke the law.
But that is different.
When you're a citizen, it's your right.
She didn't earn that right.
I bet she wants to green-card marry you like that French guy with the nose.
You know, I really need to get back to searching for an old Russian lady with no digital footprint, so, if you aren't gonna help me Hey, hold on.
Female, 58.
Holy shit.
This has to be her.
- You have to pay for the address? - No, don't do that.
Just call the number, say you're from Publishers Clearing House and she won the grand prize, and you want to make sure she's home when the cameras are there and the big check arrives, so you have to confirm the address.
Can she please repeat that back to you? "Thank you very much.
" If only we could just harness your brain for good.
Did you think it was a baby deer? 'Cause we're not supposed to kill Bambi, either.
I can't stop thinking about the name tag.
Wasn't the entire point of this weekend to kill something? A deer is game.
This is a 4-H pet.
Oh, like you've never eaten a lamb chop.
You know, I think everyone's just trying to process here.
Goddesses, clearly Neri is upset by her mistake.
It doesn't serve us to judge her or her actions.
Imposing guilt or shame won't magically change the past.
The path back to happiness is through the ownership of any pain that you've caused or any trauma that you've endured.
Neri, please repeat after me.
"I killed a sheep.
" I killed a sheep.
Continue until you're in control of your words.
I killed a sheep.
I killed a sheep.
I killed a sheep.
I killed a sheep.
Yes, you did.
Now, let's talk about the art of butchery! When the indigenous Americans hunted, they utilized the entire animal, from the meat to the hide to the sinews that connect muscle to bone.
Sinews make wonderful cordage.
I'm 12% Native American.
Freckles will not be wasted.
Her death will have purpose as we utilize all of her.
As we butcher this animal, I want you to honor all the parts of yourselves.
When we deem certain parts of ourselves as bad and other parts as good, we are only setting ourselves up to be unhappy.
So welcome the dark and the light.
It is called radical self-acceptance, and it means embracing every part of who you are.
Is that a fetus? More parts than we expected.
Nature has given us a bounty.
We're not gonna have to eat that, are we? I wanna try again.
You disrespected me.
I know, and I'm sorry, okay? I'm new to this tutoring thing, and I'm learning, too.
So, I've been studyin' the right way to help you.
I was reading this workbook, and it turns out, it's pretty cool.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
It turns out there's all these different kind of ways to read.
They even got something called ear reading, which, at first, I thought was cheating, but it turns out, it's actually legit.
Yeah, whatever.
I'm never gonna pass that stupid test.
I got you this.
I don't huff anymore.
The book says it helps to highlight your words as you read.
That way, you know what you already read and you don't get lost.
Look, Suzanne didn't give up on me.
And I want to pay that forward and not give up on you.
You're lucky I got a forgiving spirit.
Yo.
Psst.
Your intel checked out.
So, I got what I needed and now you get what you need.
I got something from my private stash.
I decided to upgrade you, 'cause, you know, I'm generous like that.
So, you take this.
You go down easy, easy.
Not like Daddy did.
Yo, I'll see you later.
That's ten eggs.
A 233% improvement rate.
I have to say, this sunlight theory appears to have legs.
Or should I say "eggs"? - I'll allow it.
- Yeah? I think you both mean "drumsticks.
" Either way, chicken crisis averted, thanks to you.
Thank you, thank you.
What can I say? When I look into their chicken faces, I just understand them.
I think it's because I think of them as people.
Chickens actually see substantially better than people.
They have two additional cones.
They can see colors we can't even dream of.
Since one of the tenets of farm therapy is that taking responsibility for creatures other than yourself empowers you, Ms.
Warren, you have earned the position of Mayor of, uh, New Cluck City.
What? Oh! I'm gonna need a podium and two flags flanking me at all times.
New Cluck City? Nothing? It should have been me.
Thank you.
Thank you for your service.
Thank you.
Oh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Everything's Everything's changed.
The responsibility Look, before, my life was And now my life is the mayor.
I promise to bring together this divided house of chickens.
I promise to fight for you.
And for every citizen in this coop, - I promise to ensure - Wait, wait, wait.
Can I please May I please be your lieutenant? Yes, you can.
- I can? Really? - Yes, you can! - Yes, you can! - Yes, I can! Yes, you can.
Is it true you didn't mean to shoot that guard in the riot? Of course I did.
Who told you that? Aleida said it was an accident.
I'm on your side, but the others are beginning to question.
Aleida wasn't even there.
You gonna sit or you gonna help? I meant to shoot him.
It was only an accident that he died.
Oh, it was a half-accident.
Aleida said she would have shot him in the balls and the head.
Femme fatale-style.
Fuck Aleida.
Coming in here like she deserves a spot at the top, when I earned it.
- With your help.
- Yeah.
She is beginning to act entitled.
Whatever.
She may be charming in the beginning and all, but all she's good for is breakin' promises and fuckin' bald losers.
No, it's a tub.
It's not in this bag.
Is your mother gonna blame us for this? Oh, that fucking bitch! She did this.
She cut us out.
I heard you can find people.
I need to find my sister.
No, no, no.
That was a one-time deal for a friend.
Please.
I have no one else to ask.
- I'll see what I can do.
- Thank you.
God bless you.
Oh.
Ladies, outdoor time is over.
Line up against the far wall in an orderly fashion.
Against the wall! Now! What the actual fuck? Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
I think the handle must have got stuck.
I think it's broken.
Let's go! - Oh, whoa! Flash flood? - Step aside, inmate.
Jeez, man, I come in peace.
I found Luda.
Good.
You sent it.
Good girl.
I couldn't find the address.
I had to, uh, call her.
I talked to her.
So? What did she say? She wanted me to read her the letter.
And? And she said that you already sent her that same letter ten years ago.
The same apology.
She said she didn't forgive you then, and she isn't ready to forgive you now.
About what happened with her son.
I never I never sent her a letter.
See, I I think that, you know, maybe you did.
And, you know, you just forgot.
You know, like you forgot why you were in the freezer.
I told you, huh? It was a blip.
I'm fine now.
I think we need to go see a doctor.
Oh, you think, do you? For what? So they can put me on a leash and feed me through a tube for the rest of my life? They can drag me out of this kitchen when I die.
I am only saying this because I love you, Ma.
- Please, okay? - You had no right to read that letter.
- I trusted you and you betrayed me.
- No.
You asked me for my help, - and so that is what I did.
- We're done! The boys are at Jelina's.
We could go out together.
What about Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Don't you wanna see if that college student wins? What does he need a million dollars for? They always think they know, and guess, and poof! They never walk away.
Not everyone is smart as my Galina.
Well done.
You didn't let us down.
You've proved that you are ready.
No, we've talked about it.
Inspectors come unannounced.
Don't worry, we will come tomorrow and get everything done.
Galina, thank you very much for your advice.
Ilya was a real mama's boy.
We couldn't use him.
Gali Do we got a dozen birds present and accounted for, Mayor Warren? Don't worry.
Getting it.
You got two minutes.
Lieutenant, I'm going to shoo the birds over there and you count off, and don't let them come back to my side.
Okay.
Gotcha.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven One, two, three, four Ten, eleven, twelve Uh, mayor, do you think that when he said, "There's a dozen chickens," that he meant a baker's dozen? Like, 13 chickens? No, no, no.
You're counting wrong.
You gotta use the voice.
There's one, one chicken! Two, two chickens! Three, three noble birds! Four Okay, wait.
One, two, three, four - I declare a thumb war.
- five, six, seven, eight, nine - Classic tactic of the puppet state.
- Nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.
Wait, there is a surplus.
Yeah, I knew that "no flying" thing was just a big fake out.
No, this is a foreign chicken.
Look, all these chickens look the same.
Maybe there was 13 chickens the whole time.
No, not all brown chickens look the same.
This chicken has white spots and black tips.
That Wait.
I've seen I've seen this chicken.
Oh! Maybe she tunneled in like El Chapo.
See, that would be the twist right there.
No, no, no.
This is a special chicken.
This is a magical chicken.
Okay.
I'mma go tell Alvarez.
What? No! I'm the mayor.
This is my jurisdiction.
Now, what would a mayor do? He'd be mayoral.
I declare that this chicken can stay.
This chicken deserves to be here.
Now, I was right about the sunlight.
I know I'm right about this.
I'm not convinced at all.
- You almost done? - No, we cannot tell him.
- You got 13! - We're not going to tell him.
'Cause he will blame me for the magic chicken, for it magically coming in here, and he will strip me of my authority.
And you of yours.
I expose conspiracies.
I do not participate in conspiracies.
Do we have a dozen? Hopper finally invited me to happy hour.
I don't want to be any later than 15 minutes early.
Yes, we absolutely have - a dozen.
- Thirteen.
Thirteen is a very, very unlucky number.
You gotta look out for them omens! You're not Creech.
She's still in medical.
I'm supposed to search the room for contraband.
I, uh I'm sorry.
I was so caught up in my own shit, I didn't realize how much I was putting you at risk.
Welcome to the life of a drug lord.
You know, it took me four years to get this job.
Everyone claims they wanna help soldiers coming home.
"Thank you for your service.
" But no one's willing to put up with the reality that comes with that.
I can't control my temper.
I fucking burn myself.
Since coming home, I've gone through, like, eight jobs.
I got fired from Dairy Queen after I snapped and cussed out a kid.
Then Walmart let me go when I cussed out another kid.
You'll never guess what happened when I dressed up as Little Mermaid for a kid's party.
I'm guessing you didn't give up your voice for a man and live happily ever after.
At first, I took out credit cards to buy groceries.
Then I used the cash advances to pay rent.
I got underwater, like, immediately.
I can't afford to lose this job.
Otherwise, I would've quit when y'all took me hostage in that riot.
Yeah, that wasn't our best moment.
I don't want to force you to do anything.
If you wanna stop, you can stop.
There's a couple of chargers in there as a "thank you," or "I'm sorry," or whatever.
I bet you do look like a mermaid with your hair down.
How mad do you think they're all gonna be when they find out we took this? We're still using all the parts.
It's tree fertilizer.
Yeah, and it's also honoring what Freckles would have wanted.
I mean, I don't think I'm anthropomorphizing to assume that Freckles would prefer her baby not be turned into a change purse.
- Or maybe one tiny mitten.
- Eww.
Do we say a few words? Dear Freckles Junior I'm sorry you never got to live.
At least you never had to pay alimony.
Tough breakup, huh? You know the most pathetic part? We've been over for seven months.
I may have to revisit Rio's arrow release exercise.
Me, too.
I need to release prison.
I recently got out of federal prison.
I'm not dangerous or anything, but it It's a part of me, and I've been hiding it and I need to embrace it.
I carried a bag of drug money, and it was illegal, and I pled guilty, and I went to prison, and I met parts of myself lurking inside of me that I didn't even know were in there.
And it was like 4% of my life.
But it was enough to change absolutely everything.
And I have no idea who I am now.
We should go.
I don't know if illegal disposal of a sheep fetus is in violation of my parole.
Or we could just stay here for a while.