Parks and Recreation s07e08 Episode Script

Okay.
So, the central question that these senators are going to be asking is why should we invest in the National Park Service? April.
Well, it is simple, Leslie.
In today's fast-paced society, National Parks are still the best place for full-moon werewolf transformations.
I know you're kidding, but I also know that you're prepared, and we are going to do great.
How psyched are you about this trip? April, are you super-psyched? Yeah.
Also, you have lipstick on your teeth.
I do? Okay.
Good looking out.
We're a great team.
Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I think I know what's going on in your head.
Oh! Well, then, welcome to the Terrordome.
Okay.
You need to tell Leslie that you want to leave your job.
No.
She freaks out when anything changes.
One time, Andy told her that I was getting rid of my bangs and she called 911.
Okay.
Well, I can't keep your secret much longer.
Any time your name comes up, I panic and change the subject to the Twin Peaks reboot until she gets bored.
So, you talk for one second? You're going to spend the next couple of days with her.
If you talk to her directly and honestly, she can be surprisingly open-minded.
Oh, really? Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Leslie? Um, I was thinking about What do you think? What? Why? On what grounds? It's readable and compact.
It's all on one page.
That's insane.
Don't mess with that.
I appreciate your initiative, but itineraries are not the right place to mess around.
Yeah.
April, I told you that was an absurd idea.
I don't care what Ben says.
I'm not going to tell Leslie I'm leaving my job on this trip.
She'll drown me in the Potomac while she recites facts about the Potomac.
Well, don't fret, cookie.
We've made progress, haven't we? We've got a whole list of all the things you need out of a new job.
Apple juice, barbecue sauce, Count Chocula Wait.
Oh, sorry.
That's the list of cool new nicknames I want people to call me.
Here's your list.
How can I tell her I'm leaving when I don't even know what job I want? Babe.
I wish you were coming with me.
I just decided what I'm going to do while April is out of town.
I'm going to round up the team and find her a new job.
Yeah.
Ben Wyatt, please? Tell him it's Count Chocula.
No, it's Andrew Dwyer.
I'm sorry.
So, April wants to leave.
I always knew she would tire of government.
Took long enough.
Well, both me and Ben are trying to help April find a new job, and we thought maybe she could work for you.
I feel like it would be a perfect fit, although I don't know exactly what you guys do here.
I'm guessing it's a business? Assassins? Hit men? Doctors.
You guys are doctors? We build things.
Come on, let me show you around.
This is a door.
These, of course, are walls.
What else? What else? Ah.
Meet our vice president, Don Swanson.
Don, this is Andrew and Benjamin.
Pleasure to meet you.
Is this your brother? You have a brother? No.
Fine.
Yes, suppose the cat's out of the bag.
I have a brother.
One brother.
All those years together at the Parks Department, and you never told us you had a brother.
You worked at the Parks Department? Tour is over.
Okay.
Carry-on bags packed, trashy magazines purchased, boarding passes in hand, and we have 26 minutes for unstructured chat time.
What do you want to talk about? I don't know.
Nothing.
I thought maybe we could talk about your future.
You want to talk about your future? Yeah.
I've actually been thinking about that a lot lately.
Yeah, I figured.
It's hard at your age to figure out your path.
I know.
Yeah.
I was going to surprise you with this in Washington, but what the heck.
It's unstructured chat time.
So Ta-da! This is your clear, definitive path through the federal government.
It starts here today with this flight and it goes all the way to 2022.
Cool, right? Wow! This is intense.
I had to make some guesses about your ultimate government objectives and your fashion choices, etcetera.
But the point is, with this, you don't have to worry.
I know.
I feel so relaxed.
Yeah, I know.
What's up with these shirts? Just a little fun I was having, you know? I didn't really make the shirts.
But did you, though? Yes, I did.
Ta-da! Oh, and also, I have a middle seat.
April! Group One is boarding.
Break it down.
What will she be doing at this job? Well, she'd have about six people reporting to her.
If she started soon, she could project manage our new warehouse in Snerling.
"Get to be my own boss.
" So far, so good.
She also wants "passionate interest in subject matter.
" So, what kind of building is it? It's a large-scale storage unit for surplus vinyl sheeting.
Okay, so, that's boring.
Would she have an opportunity to practice any "creative problem solving"? Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie.
Although I suppose she could use "creative" ways to organize and stack the vinyl sheeting.
No, that's insane.
We use the Towson Method.
It's tried and true.
I think this might be a dead end.
I think you might be right.
But getting a good person out of government is a worthwhile endeavor.
I will help.
But first, I'm going to need some grub.
Ooh! Yeah.
Let's grab some lunch and some ice cream and then maybe some after-ice-cream tacos.
We'll just brainstorm.
Maybe grab some snacks.
Vaughn.
Lon.
Ron.
Ron.
Okay, I think we're all set.
Even though I'm taking the lead on these meetings, don't be afraid to jump in.
Copy that.
April, when Randy brings up the river project, that is your cue to Distract the guard so the Hamburglar can make his escape.
We're meeting with a lot of senators today.
Is she going to be okay? Yeah.
It's just April.
Trust me.
And we hope you agree that this is the best plan to preserve National Parks' funding into the next decade.
Well, so, Leslie, what do you think? Is this the right move? Well, I think it's the only move, Senator Boxer.
I don't think this chance is going to come around again.
Well, you know, if it's good with Leslie, it's good with me.
Well, I have another great idea.
How about you and me, April, Randy, "Historical Lampposts of D.
C.
" walking tour? Starts in 15 minutes.
Sounds great, but I do have an appointment with the President.
Can we come? What kind of a business is this? Is it, like, hit man or astronauts? It's an accounting firm.
But they recently opened up a consulting wing.
And consulting is perfect for April.
You think this Barney fellow will listen to what we have to say? Ben! Ben is here.
Hi, Ben.
Ted! Ben is here! Hey.
It is "actuarily" very good to see you guys.
Ben! They like me here.
You've got to hear this.
So, we think we can keep costs down and still meet deadlines.
I have to say I'm really impressed with what you guys are doing over at Interior.
Thank you, Senator Gillibrand.
We really appreciate your support.
Would you mind signing a copy of your book? Of course.
Of course.
I took the liberty of writing the inscription.
All you have to do is sign.
"To Leslie, my inspiration, my muse, "my partner in crime.
I owe it all to you.
" And there's room for a P.
S.
If you feel there's more you left out.
Well, I think I've said all I want to say right here.
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah, but I can't do that right now.
Oh, boy.
I'll call you back.
Hello, Senator.
Do you have a minute to chat? Well, I can't right now.
I've got a meeting.
Well, you Actually, I checked with your staff, and they said that you have a free half-hour.
Did anyone ever tell you that your tenacity can be intimidating? Yes.
Every month of my life since fourth grade.
Now, let's talk about National Parks.
Well, I just have to say I'm very surprised that the two of you are seeing eye to eye on this one.
Well, Senator Booker and I are both concerned about our nation's resources, and that absolutely includes our National Parks.
But that's not all we have in common.
In fact, our real passion is Polynesian folk music.
Polynesian folk music.
What? Polynesian folk music.
Our band is playing in Georgetown tonight if you'd like to come.
We're called "Across the Isle.
" Did you get that? "Isle"? "Isle" like an island and then "across the aisle"? The political "aisle"? It's, like, a pun.
It's a play on words.
I do get it.
We are definitely coming to this.
It's $8 if you buy your tickets now.
It's $10 at the door.
A fiscal conservative.
Love this guy.
Love this guy.
Yeah.
April Ludgate-Dwyer.
She worked on the Gryzzl deal that you guys did the finances for.
Now, I know that you're opening up a consulting wing, and I just think that April would be a great hire.
Yeah, and here's the thing, Barney.
We're obviously very familiar with what consulting is.
But why don't you go ahead and tell my friends here.
Because I don't think that they know.
Well, it's really about finding creative solutions to difficult problems.
Now, a lot of times, there's firing.
So, consultants aren't exactly well-liked.
Holy crap.
This is the job for her, I can feel it.
She'll take it.
Now, let's talk perks.
Does she get the summer off? Is it like school? Son.
Easy.
Well, what did she major in? Economics? Accounting? She designed her own major, Halloween Studies.
Trust me, Barney.
She's brilliant and a very fast learner.
Does that compound your interest? Huh? What do you say? Huh, Barney? Ben, that was amazing.
Thank you.
But it's too late for her to apply.
I'm sorry, but we're not really taking any more applicants.
Though I could make an exception for someone else.
Not interested.
Okay.
So, five yeses and four noes.
Not a bad start.
So, Leslie, I was going to talk to you about this in a few weeks, but Mike Norbert is retiring.
Oh, really? Old Norbs is stepping down.
Couldn't handle the pressure, huh? What a wuss.
His marriage is falling apart.
Oh! Oh, okay.
She had an affair with his best friend.
Okay.
I feel bad about what I said before.
Yeah.
I get it.
I get it.
So, anyway.
Good news for you is, we'd like to promote you to Deputy Director of Operations at Interior.
Wow.
You'd have to move to D.
C.
, and you'd have to complete the Senior Executive Service Candidate Development Program.
I have to enroll in SESCDP? Forty-four weeks of intensive courses and note-taking? Um, it's a dream come true.
And I have to warn you, there will be a confirmation hearing.
A confirmation hearing? A freaking confirmation hearing? Excuse me a second.
What's that? Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
To the best of my recollection, yes, I accept the job.
Oh! Excuse me, ma'am.
Do you mind if I borrow your hat? I just want to throw it up in the air victoriously.
No.
Ma'am? I think that job is perfect for April.
We just have to convince Barney to give her a shot.
First problem, she's not as qualified as the other applicants.
Simple solution? I break into her college and I change her degree to accounting.
Easy.
On my way out, look up at the blackboard.
What is that? Impossible math equation? I solve it.
X equals Y, obviously.
Professor comes up to me, he says, "I've been working on that for 50 years.
"Why don't you accept this math trophy?" By the time he turns around, I'm gone.
We need to highlight April's strengths.
I thought we could update her résumé.
This is the one she applied to Parks with.
It's just a signed photograph of a puppet named ALF.
Okay, so we make her an actual résumé, then put on a big presentation, show Barney that she's more than qualified.
We're going to need all hands on deck.
That's Craig, Donna, and most importantly Please, no.
Come on.
Don't do it.
Oh.
You want to photocopy? You guys want to do all the mindless work? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Get me Garry Gergich.
Look around, April.
What do you see? Fountains.
Water.
Sky.
You.
Looking at me like a crazy person.
I see a new home.
I am going to take that job, Ben's going to run for Congress, he will win eventually, and then we're going to split our time between Washington and Pawnee.
That's great.
It looks like everything is falling into place for you.
For us, April.
For us.
Oh, God.
Whoa! What is that over there? A lamppost? Is that historic, do you think? No, they put that in in the '70s.
Look, I am so ahead of my five-year plan.
Which means that you're going to need a new five-year plan.
And here it is.
Ow, it's hot.
How did you make this so fast? I keep a local binder-maker on retainer in D.
C.
We are about to embark on such an amazing journey.
This is going to be our city, and this is going to be our bench.
April, we have a bench in D.
C.
I'm sorry, Leslie.
I can't do this anymore.
I don't want to work in government.
I quit.
What are you talking about? You quit? Why? Because honestly, I don't even know if I like working in National Parks.
Or government.
I just fell backwards into your world, and years have gone by.
And now, I'm here.
And Andy and Ben have been helping me look into different jobs to figure out what I really want to do.
Ben who? Ben Wyatt? He's been helping you behind my back? Wow.
Okay.
Well, you know what? We had a good run.
But he's dead to me now.
It's just, I've been on this weird path my entire adult life, and I need to figure out what I really want.
I cannot believe you're quitting.
And I cannot believe this is the first time I'm hearing it.
And on our bench, of all places.
It's just so frustrating.
I love her, but you spend so much time and effort on someone's life and she's just going to quit on me? It's like, what's the point, you know? Wow, Leslie.
I haven't seen you this upset since you almost forgot Ann's half-birthday.
Yeah.
Tell me.
How many times have we had lunch? Five.
Well, eight if you count all those times I showed up unannounced at your office with mini-muffins.
And why have we had lunch so many times? Well, because when I knew I would be coming to Washington to work, I wore you down until you agreed to become my friend.
I'm so glad that you did, and you are a wonderful friend.
But sometimes, you're so focused and driven that you forget about people's feelings.
Name one time I've done that.
Well, you were so wrapped up in your story that you actually ate my waffle.
Sometimes, all you can do is give people a little bit of advice and a push.
But you have to realize April has to be able to make up her own mind.
You're right, once again, Madeleine Albright.
Can I have my pin back now? Oh! Oh, yeah, sorry.
Thank you for letting me wear it.
It just makes me feel very powerful.
Me, too.
Résumé's done.
I used bullet points instead of numbers, because I find it conveys strength and competence.
A binder of her accomplishments.
Photos of her getting the job done.
And $500 cash, in case you want to go the straight-up bribe route.
Donna.
You put me on the team, I find a way to win.
Okay.
Copies are made.
Everything has been collated and stapled, and all the research has been double-checked.
I went through quite a few staples.
I added a personal testimony vouching for April's brilliance.
And this guy better appreciate it, because I do not compare people to Mary J.
Blige lightly.
Uh, no one should.
Do you want to go to dinner tonight? I do not.
Respect.
I'm free.
I have plans.
Well, great job, guys.
With all this, Barney will at least have to give her a shot.
Sure, they did a good job, but this isn't enough.
I've been thinking about it all day.
And I have a plan to go the extra mile and make April seem like the ideal candidate.
Give me the job! My name's April Ludgate, and my talent is explosive.
Go USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! When should I tell April to show up? My car.
Hey.
Thank you for coming.
Yeah, well, I had to miss the "Memorable Rain Gutters of Washington" walking tour, so this better be good.
I'm sorry I blew up at you yesterday.
I really want all of my friends to be happy together, but more importantly, I just want them to be happy.
If you feel like you need to move on, I totally get it.
Okay, turn around.
What? Why? Because I'm about to say something serious and I can't do it if I have to look you in the eye.
Please.
Okay.
Now, take your shoes off and wear them like mittens.
April.
Okay, sorry.
When I started working for you, I was aimless and just thought everything was stupid and lame.
And you turned me into someone with goals and ambition.
Which is really the only reason why I'm even thinking about what I really want.
And I just want to say thank you.
And I love you very much.
Which is why I have decided not to turn you into a sea urchin.
Which I could do because I am an actual witch with powers and I'm evil I know.
And I hate everything.
I know you do.
I know.
Thank you, April.
So, you don't have any idea what you want to do? Well, here's the good news.
I am on the case.
I know some people who might be able to help us.
Come on.
April, this is Alyssa, from the American Service Foundation.
They take young people like you who are trying to explore a new path, and match them with one of the thousands ofjobs across America that help communities.
Alyssa, this is April Ludgate, the single greatest human being ever, and you need to find her a job that she will love and cherish and make her life feel complete.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I found this crazy woman on the street and she won't leave me alone.
Oh, I'm very familiar with Leslie's enthusiasm.
They contacted us last year because they wanted to place some people in National Parks.
Two days later, we had set up the entire program, and she sent me a throw pillow with my face stitched onto it.
Not my best work.
Plus, you changed your hair.
I'm going to send you another one.
Okay.
Go solve all of your career problems.
I'll wait right here.
Sorry.
That a girl.
Ugh! Mom.
I don't know, Madeleine.
They're taking forever, and I'm starting to lose it.
Talk to me, okay? Your voice makes me calm.
Tell me another Yeltsin story.
Okay, she's here.
I have to go.
Bye.
Say hi to your daughters.
Hey.
Hi.
How did it go? I'm great.
I know exactly what I want to do.
Yes.
Is it Teach for America? No.
Habitat for Humanity? No.
It's working with animals.
No.
I want to work here.
At the Foundation.
I want to be like Alyssa.
I want to tell people what to do, and then send them far away from me.
It's perfect.
And it hits everything on my list.
Creative problem solving, working one-on-one I am 100,000% in support of this idea.
This is an amazing idea.
I love this idea.
And I love you.
So, are they hiring? What did Alyssa say when you told her? Nothing.
I didn't tell her yet.
I wanted to see if you thought it was a good idea first.
What? Bad idea? You wanted to run something by me? My God.
Yes.
So, will you help me? April, you don't need me.
You can get any job you want all by yourself.
Obviously, I'm going to vet your resume and we'll hold some mock-interviews and I'll choose your outfit and everything.
But you can get this sucker on your own.
So, long story short, we might have found you the perfect job.
But also, I might have blown it.
Ben and Ron are there now to try to fix it.
And if they don't, I feel like it's kind of on them.
Everyone is being so nice to me lately.
It's weird.
I feel like I need to take a shower in pig's blood to wash all the niceness off me.
It's because we love you.
We want you to be happy.
This consulting job could be the answer.
Yeah.
So, about that Please don't hold anything Andy did against April.
She is an exceptional human being, who married a well-meaning goofball.
Yeah, and I think that presentation we put together says it all.
All we're asking is that you meet with her, and seriously consider her for the job.
And if she disappoints you, you can hold me accountable Right? You know what? If her friends are trying this hard, there must be something amazing about her.
Tell her I'll meet with her tomorrow Hold on.
April? Hey.
We were just talking about you.
We've got some good news.
Oh, boy.
Okay.
She doesn't want the job.
I see.
Well, this is uncomfortable.