Portlandia (2011) s07e08 Episode Script
Ants
1 nobody knows when it's gonna be 12 again Thank you to Fred and Carrie.
I'm so happy you guys were able to make it tonight.
Great job, guys.
That was awesome.
Have you ever gone to see your friend's band and you just end up feeling sorry for them? Sometimes the only person in the audience is you.
And maybe the band's parents.
Well, now there's a club especially for this purpose.
CMFB's.
Club for my Friend's Band.
We emulate what a real club feels like to really boost the self-esteem of your friend's band.
We've created a space that looks crowded all the time from the stage.
Flats that move back and forth that look like a crowd.
Lots of lights, smoke.
Can we dim the lights? Sorry.
The band can hardly see.
But they feel a really excited crowd.
Give it up, everybody, for Jake on the bass.
[crowd cheering.]
[horn blaring.]
We've got secret hiding coves where you can have a conversation and the band can't see you.
Little computer stations where I can get online and charge my phone, check my email.
Ooh, they just finished a song.
- Thank you guys so much.
- Yeah.
We love you.
We have one more song for you.
Great! [horn blaring.]
We have a system in place to ensure that your friend's band thinks they sold a lot of merchandise.
Hey, could I have one CD, please? [bell dings.]
And we'll make sure everybody knows about how great the show went.
- [camera shutters clicking.]
- [horn blares.]
You're a good friend and every time your friend's band plays, you've gone to the show.
Now, it's an enjoyable experience.
This is for you.
Don't worry, the band's gonna feel fine.
oh, yeah [crowd cheering.]
Yeah! Hey, this isn't that fake club, CMFB's, is it? - No! Are you kidding? - I just bought a t-shirt.
That's in another part of town.
This is a real, legit club.
Oh, okay, cool.
It is legit.
Awesome.
All right, this next one's a chillwave song.
- Hit it! - [horn blares.]
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing.]
[rock and roll music.]
[eerie music.]
[blows.]
[slide whistle plays.]
Hey! Little ant.
[chuckle.]
What are you doing? Okay.
Go say hi to your friends.
Here you go.
[ants chattering.]
Nina, we're out of jelly.
Oh, man.
You're dead.
Ugh.
Ugh, gross.
Lance, come here.
I wanna show you something.
- What are you doing? - Look, I made, like, a little amusement park for the ants.
Just so they could feel welcome.
I even gave them names.
That's Dennis, Frank, Mike, Rick-- Nina, these ants are everywhere.
They're driving me crazy.
We need to call an exterminator.
Just don't be annoyed by them.
They're just nature.
- It's just animals.
- I know you love animals, but these are insects.
What if we had an infestation of chimpanzees? That-- that-- those two words don't really go together.
- Have you been to Africa? - Ants are pests.
Well can we get, like, a no-kill exterminator? [light music.]
[whistling.]
[doorbell dings.]
- Hi.
- Good morning.
- How are you? - Hi.
- You're the exterminator? - Yes, my name's Scout.
And, uh, you guys called about some ants? We have an ant problem.
But we wanted something that doesn't harm the animals.
There's a cat in the neighborhood.
Absolutely.
This is what I like to call humane extermination.
We're not looking to kill any ants.
How do you humanely rid our house of ants, then? Well the first thing I like to do is get a sense of the space.
And then I'll introduce this guy.
He's what we call an alpha ant.
I call him Coach.
He's gonna encourage these ants to say, "You know what? Maybe this place ain't so great anymore.
" And, uh, so they all head, they all scurry, they all make new lives for themselves.
We also introduce a kombucha blend - that we brew at our facility.
- Oh.
And it encourages the ants to seek other holes to live in.
I guess.
It's basically a carrot and stick situation.
His story about the carrot, he was referring to-- once upon a time, they put a stick in front of a donkey but it-- the stick was connected to the donkey's back.
- And they put a carrot.
- Mm-hmm.
And he tried to follow it to the ends of the Earth.
And he thought, "Why the carrot-- why can't the carrot - go in my mouth?" - I do have a pretty full book today, so if we wanna-- Extermination seems pretty cut and dry to me.
And I don't wanna be experimenting.
It's the only humane way to do it and I don't wanna think about it anymore, Lance.
- Okay.
- We agree to do this, but be careful.
Take off your shoes if you're gonna - go near the shelves.
- If you guys wanna steer clear of me for just a few hours.
It would be great to have a little privacy, too.
You need privacy? [upbeat music.]
Hey, it's Scout.
I'm in.
There are some really shocking things in a book I have to tell you about is truly disturbing.
"The Guinness Book of World Records," yeah, that comes out every year.
I'm looking through here, I'm not seeing anything in Portland and I think we need to be in this book.
What about most parks? I thought we had - the most parks in the US.
- No, Minneapolis - has the most parks.
- Longest speech.
Yes.
I could speak for a long time.
- Let's not do that.
- What about world's fastest blinker? [tinkling.]
I mean, you can-- - Do it.
- Hard to count.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
- I mean, that's a lot.
- [boinging.]
You have very fast blinking ability.
How about world's biggest tree house? - Uh, slowest soccer game.
- Yes, but it has to be a record of some-- some amazing feat.
Sorry, I'm so distracted by your nails right now.
Oh, yes.
I'm working on a record, myself.
Uh, the mayor with the longest fingernails - in the world.
- Don't do that.
Yeah, it's not easy.
And it's not easy on the eyes.
No, and it takes a very, very, very long time.
[tapping on desk.]
You're gonna freak out all the other mayors.
What about, like, the most, uh-- Why are you eating carrots? Oh, well, it, uh-- keratin-- and the carrot works on the nails.
I would prefer not to see you eat with those nails.
- No.
- How about most sunglasses - on somebody's face? - Ah, that's funny.
That could be good, but could that be sustained? - What do you mean? - Well it has to be something the tourists are gonna wanna come and see.
Do you think people are gonna line up around the block to take pictures with you as a selfie? I mean, really, all I care about is for people to look at me and say, "Who's that mayor?" Oh, we're fine on tourists.
I just was hoping to scratch this itch for you.
Mm-hmm.
And to be honest, that's one of the great things about these nails.
You can scratch, like, a little itch.
Or if you need to itch your ear.
You just get in like that.
You don't have to put your whole finger in, you just put just the nail, like that.
You're gonna scratch yourself, Mr.
Mayor.
Oh, there's nothing better than a nail scratch.
I'm good on itches right now.
- Yeah, same here.
- You got an itch, let me know.
I'm happy to scratch, to demonstrate.
- No, thanks.
- No, thank you.
- Okay.
- [filing.]
- Sir, can you do that, uh-- - All right, I'm good.
- Yeah, we'll see you later.
- Great.
- I would shake your hand, but-- - But-- - Not today.
- Yeah, not-- - Or wave.
- All right.
And check this out.
This is our Hall of Mayors.
Oh.
Who's that Mayor? You got the string cheese? - Right.
- Can Stacey come over for a play date? - Who's Stacey? - She's um-- uh, a girl at-- in my class.
Oh.
Um, Mommy and Daddy will talk about it.
- Okay.
- [car horn honks.]
Ooh, bus.
- Here we go.
All right.
- All right.
- Have a good day.
- Okay.
Hi, Ron.
All right.
Love you, buddy.
- Hmm.
- Okay.
- Restaurants, bars, um-- - Okay, there.
Kids.
- Woodbridge Elementary.
- All right.
Stacey D.
Look at that picture.
I don't like that.
- She looks loud.
- [laughs.]
She gave her one star.
"This kid will get your kid sick and then everyone in your family will get sick.
" Yeah, but you know who wrote that? - Janel H.
- Oh, she's crazy.
Yeah, she's, like, a drama queen.
"Play with this kid at your own risk.
She's been exposed to video games.
" No.
I don't-- - Ah, so what? - No.
"Say good-bye to your relaxing weekend.
" - Oh, no.
- Okay, enough, enough, enough.
Okay.
So that's it for Stacey D.
- All right? - Okay.
Let's look at this.
Other kids nearby.
Emily D.
"Had to wait 45 minutes just to figure out what the heck this kid was babbling about.
Next time, I'll go next door and talk to Benny.
Much faster conversation.
" I'm not having a beer with these kids.
I know, what-- what do you want? Look at this one.
"Couldn't find this kid.
Looked around forever.
Went in circles.
Probably doesn't even exist.
" "I think this kid is actually 20.
Was clearly wearing a wig and held a lollipop.
" - I'm glad we're doing this.
- Ooh, who's Lindsey? Lindsey.
"Still believes in Santa.
Doesn't know about Internet or TV.
" - I mean, that is pretty amazing.
- "She'll ask for Band-Aids, even though she's not bleeding.
" I mean, that's-- every kid does that.
- I did that.
- Okay.
- Seems good to me.
- All right, let's go with Lindsey.
- She's got four stars.
- Great.
Okay.
[exhales.]
[sighs.]
Let's go to the bathroom together.
[bird cawing.]
[light music.]
Grover, how do you like your play date? - This is not Stacey.
- I know.
It's-- it's Lindsey.
- I don't know her.
- Well, we don't either, but she had a lot of positive ratings.
Lindsey, did you know you're four stars? - I give her zero stars.
- [buzzer sounds.]
That's not really how it works.
We have to at least give one star.
[cash register dings.]
Is that for us? Wow, uh, 20 bucks.
Can that give us ice cream? - Oh, yes.
- Yes.
Five stars.
[dinging.]
- Okay.
- Uh-oh, you all done? - Uh, getting there.
- Oh, good.
Yeah, I did wanna let you guys know I was down in the basement and, um, the ants have sort of burrowed their way into your, uh, joists.
I don't know if you're familiar with construction.
Uh, yeah, I am.
- Okay.
- Lance, what is a joist? - It's a support beam.
- Then we can't just avoid - that part of the house.
- No.
No, no, that's a death trap.
We're standing on a death trap.
You know ants are not traditional burrowers into wood.
Well, they're sugar ants.
Okay? So you're gonna wanna go ahead and probably refurbish those joists.
Um, I'm not sure if that's something you're comfortable doing, or-- I'm very comfortable doing that.
I'm working on another project right now.
So I don't know if I have the time.
Well, how much is this gonna cost? I don't understand - why we all of the sudden-- - I'd have to have my guy come out and look at it.
- Yeah, sure.
- Hey, Ernie? Excuse me? Take off your shoes if you're gonna go by the shelves, sir.
Ah, this is all Cincinnati pine, right here.
That's basically an ant's best friend.
They're just gonna go to town on that like they're eating a birthday cake.
- Cincinnati pine.
- We're gonna have to - reroute your plumbing.
- Yeah.
We got a guy.
[hammering.]
- Smells good out here.
- Hey, thanks.
So the reroute of the pipes means we're gonna start affecting your electric.
I'd deal with that, but, uh, I'm gonna finish lunch here.
- Nah, I got a guy for that.
- So does that mean we're gonna need to deal with some drywall? Uh, my guy might have a guy.
You got a guy.
Lance, who are all these people? What's going on? Yeah, we're dealing with the ants.
- Who are you cooking for? - The whole gang.
- You want something? - No.
Is that a diving board? Hey, dude.
You're a little early, no? [sighs.]
He's actually a good pool guy.
He can give you a good estimate.
Fair price.
And you know what? You got the space for it.
- Here you go, bro.
- All right, bro.
Later.
- Hot dog? - Good dogs.
[clock ticking.]
We're here to make your time more efficient.
You called us because why? I'm late to everything.
I, um-- Let's try to remove the word "Um" - from your vocabulary.
- [beeping.]
- Uh-- - And "Uh.
" - Okay-- Okay-- - And "Okay.
" - [beeping.]
- We tailor your time.
- Great.
- We can take seconds - out of every second.
- It's about efficiency, - proficiency, sufficiency.
- The inc-- inciencies.
Let's go through your day.
How long does it take you - to get up in the morning? - Half hour.
- [beeping.]
- What time you wake up? - 6:00.
- Coffee.
- Breakfast.
- Yeah.
- You pee? - Oh, yeah.
Peeing is work.
Push as hard as you can.
Think of it as, like, a spear.
My face turns red with how hard I push.
- Really? - What's your job? I watch bridges go up and down.
- How long is your commute? - That's, like, at least an hour-- traffic-- - hour and a half? - Is there any way - you can avoid traffic? - I mean, it's all the way across town.
- There are no bridges closer? - I don't wanna talk myself out of the job.
Can you bump the car - in front of you? - [beeping.]
- That works.
- How about a buddy system? You know, you got a buddy drive you to this buddy, this buddy drives you to that buddy, a couple buddies get together, everybody helps you out every morning, buddy's over there at the bridge, buddy brings you back after work.
You know, that's what a buddy system is, a bunch of buddies.
- Okay.
- Give me an example - of how you waste time.
- I don't know.
I spend, like, eight hours on Reddit.
I have the same problem.
What I did is I got a piece of glass and I painted - the website Reddit on it.
- Okay.
And then I can't click on anything, 'cause it's just a painting.
[clock ticking.]
So a sleep should be fast.
What are the positions you use? [clicking, bell dings.]
- I go like this.
- Mm-hmm.
And then right back up again.
You didn't even close your eyes.
That's the extent of my sleep.
[ticking.]
This is supposed to organize your life.
- Right.
- You would think that I would say that this is not the way to go.
I think this is great.
[ticking.]
Exercises, one thing you can do is somersaults.
- One, two, three-- - Four.
[upbeat music.]
Also for eye exercise for reading the ingredients.
[ticking.]
And then throughout the rest of the day, I've got everything with me.
- Toilet roll.
- Hair dryer, earphones.
This is for cleaning my butt.
Your toothbrush? Did I say butt? Uh, for brushing my teeth.
All right, so once again this year it's time for Burning Man.
And so we've gotta get ready, come up with some good costumes.
A good creative idea so we can really make an impact this time.
What if we went as, like, teenage bagels? Like, everyone loves a bagel, but do they love teenage bagels? Oh, like made by teenagers who are like, - "Oh, we're closed.
" - Yes.
This has gotta be, like, enticing and beautiful - and imaginative.
- Why don't you cut your rat tail for burning man? [clears throat.]
It's not a rat tail.
Okay? It's a hair waterfall.
If it were a rat tail, it would be thinner.
Maybe it's not, like, one rat's tail.
Maybe it's like, there's a bunch of rats - that are huddled up.
- That implies that my head is the butt of the rat.
The butt of many rats.
The more you talk about it, the more upset I'm gonna get.
And I don't want to fight.
We have to do something really big.
You guys, something just, like-- Like an art car or something.
Wait, I think I know what he's thinking.
The beast.
It looks down on us all.
Guys, it looks incredible.
Ahh! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
You're both coming at the same time.
No being walks like that.
So listen up-- when I say left, go left.
When I say right, go right.
Left, right, left, right.
- I'm-- so I'm right? - I'm right.
You have to look at it from our perspective.
Oh, I see what you're doing.
- Yeah.
- Left-- yes, yes.
So, left right.
This is the gas.
For the brake, it's this.
Don't make up weird signals that we don't understand.
- We can hear you talking.
- Listen, I can't hear you speak, so let's do this: When you're gonna say something to me and you understand, - beep once.
- [horn honks.]
Lovely.
Now you're gonna take a step.
This is for-- [horn honks.]
- Yes, what? - Just letting you know - that I heard you.
- [horn honks.]
But no need to do it anymore.
If you're gonna go and you've heard me, beep twice.
- [horn honks twice.]
- Great.
- [horn honks twice.]
- No, you just do once.
- [horn honks.]
- The monster has awoken.
Forward, forward, forward, forward, forward.
[horn honks twice.]
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait! - That was too fast.
Step.
- [horn honks twice.]
- Stop.
- [horn honks.]
- Step.
- [horn honks twice.]
- Stop.
- [horn honks.]
- Step.
- [horn honks twice.]
- Stop.
I'm here to attack.
- [horn honks twice.]
- Beware - [horn honks.]
- of the size - [horn honks twice.]
- of my feet.
- [horns honking.]
That was great, guys.
I will stomp on you.
Burning Man, all right! Doing great, guys.
Little bit of traffic ahead.
- Hold up, there's a bridge.
- [horn honks twice.]
I think we need to stop at, like, 7-Eleven - if we're going on a road trip.
- I wanna get lunch, too.
Don't go back! Don't go back! There's no reason to go back.
Dakota, stop, stop, stop.
[upbeat music.]
Good peanut butter.
Mmm.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, hey.
I'm just, uh, checking out your PB, here.
You guys were out of J, so we got a guy on the way coming with some J.
- Oops.
- Get out! - Oh, sorry, real quick.
- Get-- Hey, Ernie, I wanna show you something.
You see this tub, here? I wanna lift up the tub, I wanna see-- - Get out, get out, get out! - All right.
I would advise you to, uh, do some weatherproofing here.
- Right there, in the cradles.
- Absolutely.
I think you made some good, smart decisions here.
- I'm proud of you.
- Yeah, I hang out more with, like, biker guys, but I like an ant guy.
- Hey.
- Lance.
Lance, hi.
Can I have a moment alone with my husband? - Is that okay? - Yeah.
Okay, well, why don't we get lunch.
We'll get lunch.
Not you and me, just-- Hey, guys, let's, uh, let's get some lunch.
Lance, what is this? There are people everywhere.
I-- there are a lot of guys around and-- and I didn't mean it to get like that.
I do think we're making some really nice improvements in the house.
Lance, do you know how much a skylight really costs to do? They're charging us $800.
It's about $40 to do this.
I-- I just feel bad, you know? 'Cause it's like [inhales sharply.]
One guy said one thing and I agreed with it.
And now he brings someone else.
It's another nice dude, - you know, and it's like-- - Well they're not your buddies.
I just-- I don't know if I can be the one to kick them out.
You know what? I think I know a guy.
- We gotta get a gutter guy.
- Hey, guys, I need a guy! - This guy's the guy.
- I'm your guy! Everybody listen up.
I'd like to introduce you to somebody who knows a lot about construction.
This is my dad.
- Who's in charge here? - I'm your guy.
- So, uh-- - He's an exterminator.
What kinda ants are we talking about, buddy? - Carpenter ants? - No, sugar ants, pal.
And, uh, what are these, uh, sugar ants doing? They're eating the joists away, tough guy.
Sugar ants don't eat wood.
Hey, I said that, man.
Good for you, Lance.
- Who's the joist guy? - Uh, I'm the joist guy.
I like your little mini Sawzall there.
What is that, 18 volt? 39 or 40.
So why can't you just, uh, sister the joist? Well, the wall-- they may not have compromised the wall, but if it's a retaining wall-- All right, all right, all right.
Uh, guys! We got a dad here.
Let's scram, come on! [energetic playful music.]
[tires screeching.]
Sorry they put you through that, sweetheart.
- Aw.
thanks, Dad.
- I'm really glad you called.
Hey, Lance.
- Thanks, man.
- [whip cracking.]
- You call me any time.
- Will do.
All right.
I'll see you later, sweetie.
- I'll do it.
- Call your mom.
- All right.
- Ah, Nina, I, uh-- I got a little something for you.
- What do you mean? - Let me show you.
Lance! This is what you were working on.
You know, a little, uh, ant farm for your friends.
Route 66, flowering cacti, a motorcycle, little hotel, - a turtle.
- I love it.
You know, I'm feeling a little antsy over here.
- Oh, yeah? - Got a little ant hill growing.
I'm a little-- I'm a little anteater.
- You are? - Yeah, I'm gonna get in there and suck all the ants out.
Yeah, let's go inside.
[motorcycle engine revs.]
[rock music.]
Whoo-hoo! [laughter.]
We have pretty good neighbors.
He's crazy and then there's, like, - an older-- older lady.
- Okay.
She's really old.
Like, she's actually like, cooler than most people I know.
She did, like, burlesque, like, in the '30s.
And it's like really cool and what she's wearing is like-- would that be considered like actual cool clothes today.
Yeah, I'd love to meet her sometime.
I'm so happy you guys were able to make it tonight.
Great job, guys.
That was awesome.
Have you ever gone to see your friend's band and you just end up feeling sorry for them? Sometimes the only person in the audience is you.
And maybe the band's parents.
Well, now there's a club especially for this purpose.
CMFB's.
Club for my Friend's Band.
We emulate what a real club feels like to really boost the self-esteem of your friend's band.
We've created a space that looks crowded all the time from the stage.
Flats that move back and forth that look like a crowd.
Lots of lights, smoke.
Can we dim the lights? Sorry.
The band can hardly see.
But they feel a really excited crowd.
Give it up, everybody, for Jake on the bass.
[crowd cheering.]
[horn blaring.]
We've got secret hiding coves where you can have a conversation and the band can't see you.
Little computer stations where I can get online and charge my phone, check my email.
Ooh, they just finished a song.
- Thank you guys so much.
- Yeah.
We love you.
We have one more song for you.
Great! [horn blaring.]
We have a system in place to ensure that your friend's band thinks they sold a lot of merchandise.
Hey, could I have one CD, please? [bell dings.]
And we'll make sure everybody knows about how great the show went.
- [camera shutters clicking.]
- [horn blares.]
You're a good friend and every time your friend's band plays, you've gone to the show.
Now, it's an enjoyable experience.
This is for you.
Don't worry, the band's gonna feel fine.
oh, yeah [crowd cheering.]
Yeah! Hey, this isn't that fake club, CMFB's, is it? - No! Are you kidding? - I just bought a t-shirt.
That's in another part of town.
This is a real, legit club.
Oh, okay, cool.
It is legit.
Awesome.
All right, this next one's a chillwave song.
- Hit it! - [horn blares.]
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing.]
[rock and roll music.]
[eerie music.]
[blows.]
[slide whistle plays.]
Hey! Little ant.
[chuckle.]
What are you doing? Okay.
Go say hi to your friends.
Here you go.
[ants chattering.]
Nina, we're out of jelly.
Oh, man.
You're dead.
Ugh.
Ugh, gross.
Lance, come here.
I wanna show you something.
- What are you doing? - Look, I made, like, a little amusement park for the ants.
Just so they could feel welcome.
I even gave them names.
That's Dennis, Frank, Mike, Rick-- Nina, these ants are everywhere.
They're driving me crazy.
We need to call an exterminator.
Just don't be annoyed by them.
They're just nature.
- It's just animals.
- I know you love animals, but these are insects.
What if we had an infestation of chimpanzees? That-- that-- those two words don't really go together.
- Have you been to Africa? - Ants are pests.
Well can we get, like, a no-kill exterminator? [light music.]
[whistling.]
[doorbell dings.]
- Hi.
- Good morning.
- How are you? - Hi.
- You're the exterminator? - Yes, my name's Scout.
And, uh, you guys called about some ants? We have an ant problem.
But we wanted something that doesn't harm the animals.
There's a cat in the neighborhood.
Absolutely.
This is what I like to call humane extermination.
We're not looking to kill any ants.
How do you humanely rid our house of ants, then? Well the first thing I like to do is get a sense of the space.
And then I'll introduce this guy.
He's what we call an alpha ant.
I call him Coach.
He's gonna encourage these ants to say, "You know what? Maybe this place ain't so great anymore.
" And, uh, so they all head, they all scurry, they all make new lives for themselves.
We also introduce a kombucha blend - that we brew at our facility.
- Oh.
And it encourages the ants to seek other holes to live in.
I guess.
It's basically a carrot and stick situation.
His story about the carrot, he was referring to-- once upon a time, they put a stick in front of a donkey but it-- the stick was connected to the donkey's back.
- And they put a carrot.
- Mm-hmm.
And he tried to follow it to the ends of the Earth.
And he thought, "Why the carrot-- why can't the carrot - go in my mouth?" - I do have a pretty full book today, so if we wanna-- Extermination seems pretty cut and dry to me.
And I don't wanna be experimenting.
It's the only humane way to do it and I don't wanna think about it anymore, Lance.
- Okay.
- We agree to do this, but be careful.
Take off your shoes if you're gonna - go near the shelves.
- If you guys wanna steer clear of me for just a few hours.
It would be great to have a little privacy, too.
You need privacy? [upbeat music.]
Hey, it's Scout.
I'm in.
There are some really shocking things in a book I have to tell you about is truly disturbing.
"The Guinness Book of World Records," yeah, that comes out every year.
I'm looking through here, I'm not seeing anything in Portland and I think we need to be in this book.
What about most parks? I thought we had - the most parks in the US.
- No, Minneapolis - has the most parks.
- Longest speech.
Yes.
I could speak for a long time.
- Let's not do that.
- What about world's fastest blinker? [tinkling.]
I mean, you can-- - Do it.
- Hard to count.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
- I mean, that's a lot.
- [boinging.]
You have very fast blinking ability.
How about world's biggest tree house? - Uh, slowest soccer game.
- Yes, but it has to be a record of some-- some amazing feat.
Sorry, I'm so distracted by your nails right now.
Oh, yes.
I'm working on a record, myself.
Uh, the mayor with the longest fingernails - in the world.
- Don't do that.
Yeah, it's not easy.
And it's not easy on the eyes.
No, and it takes a very, very, very long time.
[tapping on desk.]
You're gonna freak out all the other mayors.
What about, like, the most, uh-- Why are you eating carrots? Oh, well, it, uh-- keratin-- and the carrot works on the nails.
I would prefer not to see you eat with those nails.
- No.
- How about most sunglasses - on somebody's face? - Ah, that's funny.
That could be good, but could that be sustained? - What do you mean? - Well it has to be something the tourists are gonna wanna come and see.
Do you think people are gonna line up around the block to take pictures with you as a selfie? I mean, really, all I care about is for people to look at me and say, "Who's that mayor?" Oh, we're fine on tourists.
I just was hoping to scratch this itch for you.
Mm-hmm.
And to be honest, that's one of the great things about these nails.
You can scratch, like, a little itch.
Or if you need to itch your ear.
You just get in like that.
You don't have to put your whole finger in, you just put just the nail, like that.
You're gonna scratch yourself, Mr.
Mayor.
Oh, there's nothing better than a nail scratch.
I'm good on itches right now.
- Yeah, same here.
- You got an itch, let me know.
I'm happy to scratch, to demonstrate.
- No, thanks.
- No, thank you.
- Okay.
- [filing.]
- Sir, can you do that, uh-- - All right, I'm good.
- Yeah, we'll see you later.
- Great.
- I would shake your hand, but-- - But-- - Not today.
- Yeah, not-- - Or wave.
- All right.
And check this out.
This is our Hall of Mayors.
Oh.
Who's that Mayor? You got the string cheese? - Right.
- Can Stacey come over for a play date? - Who's Stacey? - She's um-- uh, a girl at-- in my class.
Oh.
Um, Mommy and Daddy will talk about it.
- Okay.
- [car horn honks.]
Ooh, bus.
- Here we go.
All right.
- All right.
- Have a good day.
- Okay.
Hi, Ron.
All right.
Love you, buddy.
- Hmm.
- Okay.
- Restaurants, bars, um-- - Okay, there.
Kids.
- Woodbridge Elementary.
- All right.
Stacey D.
Look at that picture.
I don't like that.
- She looks loud.
- [laughs.]
She gave her one star.
"This kid will get your kid sick and then everyone in your family will get sick.
" Yeah, but you know who wrote that? - Janel H.
- Oh, she's crazy.
Yeah, she's, like, a drama queen.
"Play with this kid at your own risk.
She's been exposed to video games.
" No.
I don't-- - Ah, so what? - No.
"Say good-bye to your relaxing weekend.
" - Oh, no.
- Okay, enough, enough, enough.
Okay.
So that's it for Stacey D.
- All right? - Okay.
Let's look at this.
Other kids nearby.
Emily D.
"Had to wait 45 minutes just to figure out what the heck this kid was babbling about.
Next time, I'll go next door and talk to Benny.
Much faster conversation.
" I'm not having a beer with these kids.
I know, what-- what do you want? Look at this one.
"Couldn't find this kid.
Looked around forever.
Went in circles.
Probably doesn't even exist.
" "I think this kid is actually 20.
Was clearly wearing a wig and held a lollipop.
" - I'm glad we're doing this.
- Ooh, who's Lindsey? Lindsey.
"Still believes in Santa.
Doesn't know about Internet or TV.
" - I mean, that is pretty amazing.
- "She'll ask for Band-Aids, even though she's not bleeding.
" I mean, that's-- every kid does that.
- I did that.
- Okay.
- Seems good to me.
- All right, let's go with Lindsey.
- She's got four stars.
- Great.
Okay.
[exhales.]
[sighs.]
Let's go to the bathroom together.
[bird cawing.]
[light music.]
Grover, how do you like your play date? - This is not Stacey.
- I know.
It's-- it's Lindsey.
- I don't know her.
- Well, we don't either, but she had a lot of positive ratings.
Lindsey, did you know you're four stars? - I give her zero stars.
- [buzzer sounds.]
That's not really how it works.
We have to at least give one star.
[cash register dings.]
Is that for us? Wow, uh, 20 bucks.
Can that give us ice cream? - Oh, yes.
- Yes.
Five stars.
[dinging.]
- Okay.
- Uh-oh, you all done? - Uh, getting there.
- Oh, good.
Yeah, I did wanna let you guys know I was down in the basement and, um, the ants have sort of burrowed their way into your, uh, joists.
I don't know if you're familiar with construction.
Uh, yeah, I am.
- Okay.
- Lance, what is a joist? - It's a support beam.
- Then we can't just avoid - that part of the house.
- No.
No, no, that's a death trap.
We're standing on a death trap.
You know ants are not traditional burrowers into wood.
Well, they're sugar ants.
Okay? So you're gonna wanna go ahead and probably refurbish those joists.
Um, I'm not sure if that's something you're comfortable doing, or-- I'm very comfortable doing that.
I'm working on another project right now.
So I don't know if I have the time.
Well, how much is this gonna cost? I don't understand - why we all of the sudden-- - I'd have to have my guy come out and look at it.
- Yeah, sure.
- Hey, Ernie? Excuse me? Take off your shoes if you're gonna go by the shelves, sir.
Ah, this is all Cincinnati pine, right here.
That's basically an ant's best friend.
They're just gonna go to town on that like they're eating a birthday cake.
- Cincinnati pine.
- We're gonna have to - reroute your plumbing.
- Yeah.
We got a guy.
[hammering.]
- Smells good out here.
- Hey, thanks.
So the reroute of the pipes means we're gonna start affecting your electric.
I'd deal with that, but, uh, I'm gonna finish lunch here.
- Nah, I got a guy for that.
- So does that mean we're gonna need to deal with some drywall? Uh, my guy might have a guy.
You got a guy.
Lance, who are all these people? What's going on? Yeah, we're dealing with the ants.
- Who are you cooking for? - The whole gang.
- You want something? - No.
Is that a diving board? Hey, dude.
You're a little early, no? [sighs.]
He's actually a good pool guy.
He can give you a good estimate.
Fair price.
And you know what? You got the space for it.
- Here you go, bro.
- All right, bro.
Later.
- Hot dog? - Good dogs.
[clock ticking.]
We're here to make your time more efficient.
You called us because why? I'm late to everything.
I, um-- Let's try to remove the word "Um" - from your vocabulary.
- [beeping.]
- Uh-- - And "Uh.
" - Okay-- Okay-- - And "Okay.
" - [beeping.]
- We tailor your time.
- Great.
- We can take seconds - out of every second.
- It's about efficiency, - proficiency, sufficiency.
- The inc-- inciencies.
Let's go through your day.
How long does it take you - to get up in the morning? - Half hour.
- [beeping.]
- What time you wake up? - 6:00.
- Coffee.
- Breakfast.
- Yeah.
- You pee? - Oh, yeah.
Peeing is work.
Push as hard as you can.
Think of it as, like, a spear.
My face turns red with how hard I push.
- Really? - What's your job? I watch bridges go up and down.
- How long is your commute? - That's, like, at least an hour-- traffic-- - hour and a half? - Is there any way - you can avoid traffic? - I mean, it's all the way across town.
- There are no bridges closer? - I don't wanna talk myself out of the job.
Can you bump the car - in front of you? - [beeping.]
- That works.
- How about a buddy system? You know, you got a buddy drive you to this buddy, this buddy drives you to that buddy, a couple buddies get together, everybody helps you out every morning, buddy's over there at the bridge, buddy brings you back after work.
You know, that's what a buddy system is, a bunch of buddies.
- Okay.
- Give me an example - of how you waste time.
- I don't know.
I spend, like, eight hours on Reddit.
I have the same problem.
What I did is I got a piece of glass and I painted - the website Reddit on it.
- Okay.
And then I can't click on anything, 'cause it's just a painting.
[clock ticking.]
So a sleep should be fast.
What are the positions you use? [clicking, bell dings.]
- I go like this.
- Mm-hmm.
And then right back up again.
You didn't even close your eyes.
That's the extent of my sleep.
[ticking.]
This is supposed to organize your life.
- Right.
- You would think that I would say that this is not the way to go.
I think this is great.
[ticking.]
Exercises, one thing you can do is somersaults.
- One, two, three-- - Four.
[upbeat music.]
Also for eye exercise for reading the ingredients.
[ticking.]
And then throughout the rest of the day, I've got everything with me.
- Toilet roll.
- Hair dryer, earphones.
This is for cleaning my butt.
Your toothbrush? Did I say butt? Uh, for brushing my teeth.
All right, so once again this year it's time for Burning Man.
And so we've gotta get ready, come up with some good costumes.
A good creative idea so we can really make an impact this time.
What if we went as, like, teenage bagels? Like, everyone loves a bagel, but do they love teenage bagels? Oh, like made by teenagers who are like, - "Oh, we're closed.
" - Yes.
This has gotta be, like, enticing and beautiful - and imaginative.
- Why don't you cut your rat tail for burning man? [clears throat.]
It's not a rat tail.
Okay? It's a hair waterfall.
If it were a rat tail, it would be thinner.
Maybe it's not, like, one rat's tail.
Maybe it's like, there's a bunch of rats - that are huddled up.
- That implies that my head is the butt of the rat.
The butt of many rats.
The more you talk about it, the more upset I'm gonna get.
And I don't want to fight.
We have to do something really big.
You guys, something just, like-- Like an art car or something.
Wait, I think I know what he's thinking.
The beast.
It looks down on us all.
Guys, it looks incredible.
Ahh! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
You're both coming at the same time.
No being walks like that.
So listen up-- when I say left, go left.
When I say right, go right.
Left, right, left, right.
- I'm-- so I'm right? - I'm right.
You have to look at it from our perspective.
Oh, I see what you're doing.
- Yeah.
- Left-- yes, yes.
So, left right.
This is the gas.
For the brake, it's this.
Don't make up weird signals that we don't understand.
- We can hear you talking.
- Listen, I can't hear you speak, so let's do this: When you're gonna say something to me and you understand, - beep once.
- [horn honks.]
Lovely.
Now you're gonna take a step.
This is for-- [horn honks.]
- Yes, what? - Just letting you know - that I heard you.
- [horn honks.]
But no need to do it anymore.
If you're gonna go and you've heard me, beep twice.
- [horn honks twice.]
- Great.
- [horn honks twice.]
- No, you just do once.
- [horn honks.]
- The monster has awoken.
Forward, forward, forward, forward, forward.
[horn honks twice.]
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait! - That was too fast.
Step.
- [horn honks twice.]
- Stop.
- [horn honks.]
- Step.
- [horn honks twice.]
- Stop.
- [horn honks.]
- Step.
- [horn honks twice.]
- Stop.
I'm here to attack.
- [horn honks twice.]
- Beware - [horn honks.]
- of the size - [horn honks twice.]
- of my feet.
- [horns honking.]
That was great, guys.
I will stomp on you.
Burning Man, all right! Doing great, guys.
Little bit of traffic ahead.
- Hold up, there's a bridge.
- [horn honks twice.]
I think we need to stop at, like, 7-Eleven - if we're going on a road trip.
- I wanna get lunch, too.
Don't go back! Don't go back! There's no reason to go back.
Dakota, stop, stop, stop.
[upbeat music.]
Good peanut butter.
Mmm.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, hey.
I'm just, uh, checking out your PB, here.
You guys were out of J, so we got a guy on the way coming with some J.
- Oops.
- Get out! - Oh, sorry, real quick.
- Get-- Hey, Ernie, I wanna show you something.
You see this tub, here? I wanna lift up the tub, I wanna see-- - Get out, get out, get out! - All right.
I would advise you to, uh, do some weatherproofing here.
- Right there, in the cradles.
- Absolutely.
I think you made some good, smart decisions here.
- I'm proud of you.
- Yeah, I hang out more with, like, biker guys, but I like an ant guy.
- Hey.
- Lance.
Lance, hi.
Can I have a moment alone with my husband? - Is that okay? - Yeah.
Okay, well, why don't we get lunch.
We'll get lunch.
Not you and me, just-- Hey, guys, let's, uh, let's get some lunch.
Lance, what is this? There are people everywhere.
I-- there are a lot of guys around and-- and I didn't mean it to get like that.
I do think we're making some really nice improvements in the house.
Lance, do you know how much a skylight really costs to do? They're charging us $800.
It's about $40 to do this.
I-- I just feel bad, you know? 'Cause it's like [inhales sharply.]
One guy said one thing and I agreed with it.
And now he brings someone else.
It's another nice dude, - you know, and it's like-- - Well they're not your buddies.
I just-- I don't know if I can be the one to kick them out.
You know what? I think I know a guy.
- We gotta get a gutter guy.
- Hey, guys, I need a guy! - This guy's the guy.
- I'm your guy! Everybody listen up.
I'd like to introduce you to somebody who knows a lot about construction.
This is my dad.
- Who's in charge here? - I'm your guy.
- So, uh-- - He's an exterminator.
What kinda ants are we talking about, buddy? - Carpenter ants? - No, sugar ants, pal.
And, uh, what are these, uh, sugar ants doing? They're eating the joists away, tough guy.
Sugar ants don't eat wood.
Hey, I said that, man.
Good for you, Lance.
- Who's the joist guy? - Uh, I'm the joist guy.
I like your little mini Sawzall there.
What is that, 18 volt? 39 or 40.
So why can't you just, uh, sister the joist? Well, the wall-- they may not have compromised the wall, but if it's a retaining wall-- All right, all right, all right.
Uh, guys! We got a dad here.
Let's scram, come on! [energetic playful music.]
[tires screeching.]
Sorry they put you through that, sweetheart.
- Aw.
thanks, Dad.
- I'm really glad you called.
Hey, Lance.
- Thanks, man.
- [whip cracking.]
- You call me any time.
- Will do.
All right.
I'll see you later, sweetie.
- I'll do it.
- Call your mom.
- All right.
- Ah, Nina, I, uh-- I got a little something for you.
- What do you mean? - Let me show you.
Lance! This is what you were working on.
You know, a little, uh, ant farm for your friends.
Route 66, flowering cacti, a motorcycle, little hotel, - a turtle.
- I love it.
You know, I'm feeling a little antsy over here.
- Oh, yeah? - Got a little ant hill growing.
I'm a little-- I'm a little anteater.
- You are? - Yeah, I'm gonna get in there and suck all the ants out.
Yeah, let's go inside.
[motorcycle engine revs.]
[rock music.]
Whoo-hoo! [laughter.]
We have pretty good neighbors.
He's crazy and then there's, like, - an older-- older lady.
- Okay.
She's really old.
Like, she's actually like, cooler than most people I know.
She did, like, burlesque, like, in the '30s.
And it's like really cool and what she's wearing is like-- would that be considered like actual cool clothes today.
Yeah, I'd love to meet her sometime.