Rick and Morty (2013) s07e08 Episode Script

1
Magnesium-J. Hydrogen-F. Father.
I am ready to rejoin my
brethren on Alphabetrium.
Very well. Your exile ends today.
♪♪
Welcome home, Water-T.
[RUMBLING]
The Numbericons! They're attacking!
Battle stations!
♪♪
[SCREAMING]
Divide and conquer! Zero survivors!
♪♪
Aah!
- Father!
- Son take this thing.
It's a prophecy or some shit.
[GROANS] I'm dying.
- Peace.
- [MICROPHONE WHINES]
[LETTERS SOBBING]
Water-T, where are you going?
There's too many of them.
Then I better crunch the numbers.
Aah!
When your heart adds up ♪
One plus one makes youuuuuuuu ♪
[GUNFIRE]
Yeah ♪
Alll right ♪
♪♪
He's too dope! Retreat!
Oh, yeah ♪
We don't care about numbers ♪
Oh, shit! He's crunching the numbers.
I thought he was talking about taxes,
but he's crunching us.
I'ma deduct your ass.
- Aah!
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
They activated the Brackets
Shield. We can't pull up.
Somebody kiss me.
I don't want to die not
knowing love! No!
Oooooh, yeah ♪
♪♪
Oh, yeah ♪
We don't care about numbers ♪
Sorry I'm late. I had to go pee.
Yo, what do you know about this?
The "I" of Harmony.
It holds some secret power,
but it's in a language nobody can read.
You don't gotta read shit, Lithium-P.
- It's math.
- Careful, T.
They won't like that kind of
number talk at the palace.
We're not going to the palace.
We're going to Earth.
Why? You know a math expert there?
Unfortunately, I do.
In conclusion, without math
planes wouldn't fly and
elephants would forget.
- [RAP MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY]
- What is that sound?
Who is using air buds
- to listen to rap music?
- Sorry, Mr. Goldenfold.
Detention! Class dismissed early
so Morty can have instant detention.
- STUDENT #1: Aw, no!
- STUDENT #2: Are you serious?
- I want to learn!
- I want to add and stuff.
Geez, Mr. Goldenfold,
it's just a little hip hop.
It helps me concentrate.
Rap will never help anyone do anything.
Some things never change.
MORTY AND GOLDENFOLD: Ice-T?
Hey! Ice-T, it's me, Morty.
Remember me? "G-Get Schwifty"?
- No.
- Aw.
And it's Water-T now.
I don't give an ass
if you're Smokey Robinson.
You got the balls of a clown
coming back to this school
without the homework you owe me.
Fuck your homework, old man.
My planet's at stake.
Mr. Goldenfold, you taught Ice-T math?
I tried, Morty.
I sure the hell tried.
Without math, Russia would
control all Rubik's Cubes.
- Any questions?
- Just one.
- Who gives a fuck?
- [STUDENTS CHEERING]
[RAPPING] I am a knight, walking,
back of class talking,
homework scoffing,
blackboard chalking
Look, man, I ain't here
for memory lane shit.
I need this deciphered.
Hmm. Early Algebraic,
possibly even Geometric.
- Yo, English.
- I don't teach English, bitch!
And why would I do your homework?
- You didn't do mine.
- 'Cause I had no home!
Now I do.
Help me save it.
Aah!
All Type Strikers, attack!
Kill the Son of Magma-Q!
I want his serifs.
♪♪
You're coming with me, Goldenfold.
You better be taking
me to your homework.
- You're coming with me, Morty.
- Why?
It's called detention, not "releastion."
♪♪
[SHIP WHOOSHES]
Sorry I'm late. I had to go pee.
- I know.
- Well, there's new people.
- I thought they'd like to hear about it.
- Yeah, yeah.
Just start the fucking ship.
♪♪
[STATIC CRACKLING]
I see the tales of your dopeness
have been greatly exaggerated.
Big talk from an upside down L.
I am Sinistar-7, and I
am here to spill the T.
Then come get me, muthafucka!
♪♪
- [ALARM BEEPING]
- She's got a Caps Lock!
And an ass to suck.
Hit the hyphen drive!
- [BELL DINGS]
-
No. No!
♪♪
[DECIMAL CRUMB CACKLES]
- Speak.
- Lord Dread Nought.
Water-T escaped with the "I" of Harmony.
- Aah!
- The One of Harmony!
[LAUGHS] That's gotta hurt!
- [GROANS]
- You're a number. Act like it.
Subtract Water-T from life
and carry the One to me.
I won't let you down Father.
- Too late.
- Too late! [LAUGHS]
Oh! Oh, wow. Oh, I love my job.
The Pythagorean Theorem!
I just have to figure out
what A and B are, square them both,
and then add them together.
- Can you do it?
- If I do,
- I want my homework.
- Fine!
Why do you guys hate each other so much?
Why do all teachers hate
all students, Morty?
Because you all break
our God damn hearts.
Just seems like there's
more going on there.
Was he that bad at math?
No, Morty. Nobody is worse than you.
The hurtful thing about
your friend back there
is that at one point,
it seemed like he might learn.
[RAPPING OFFBEAT]
I am a nightmare walking,
psychopath talking,
king of my jungle just a
gangster stalk stalking.
Stalking. Fuck.
Look at all this
non-scholastic depravity!
Reef-er, Cheetos,
and not a smidgen of homework in sight!
Yo, why you coming in here
fuckin' up my words?
Uh, T, maybe you ought
to go back to school.
You can't keep a beat to save your ass.
Damn. My dream just died.
Here. Follow this.
It's called four-four time.
[RHYTHMICALLY] One, two, three, four.
Two, two, three
[RAPPING] I am a nightmare walkin',
psychopath talkin'
king of my jungle just
a gangster stalkin'
Livin' life like a firecracker
Yo, Chuck! It's Marvin!
Your cousin Marvin D?
Hey. Ya know that new
sound you lookin' for?
Well, listen to this!
[FARTS]
Ha! Got you again, mutha-fucker!
Wow. You think that guy's cousin
would stop taking his calls.
That's not the point, Morty.
You included it in your story.
But I get it. You and
were actually friends.
So what went wrong?
Nice try, Morty.
You think that if I connect with you,
I'll let you out of detention?
Well, you can forget it!
I'm all about boundaries now.
Boundaries! I got it!
Beep boop bop beep beep.
- What is it?
- It's a map.
A squared is the length of the galaxy.
B squared is the height.
So C squared takes you directly to
Planet E-10?
Ain't E-10 supposed to be where
God created letters or some shit?
That's just a story we tell
lowercase letters at bedtime.
Maybe there's more to it.
- Why bedtime?
- What?
He He said it was a story
you told lowercase letters at bedtime.
Y-You never tell the
story during the day?
I guess I just hoped
the phrase "bedtime"
would make it easier to understand
that lowercase letters are
our version of children.
Oh, so you did that for me?
Well, half the people here are human.
I didn't want to exclude you.
We would have figured
out it was children.
Yeah. Lowercase means
smaller. We get it.
Feels like I'm being
punished for clarity.
Punished? Jesus. I asked a question.
- So did Hitler.
- What the fuck is going on?
Somebody set up a call or some shit.
We need to send word to Alphabetrium.
♪♪
[BEEPING, LETTERS GASP]
Oxygen-S, we deciphered
the "I" of Harmony
and we're headed to E-10.
That's incredible, Water-T.
Give me your coordinates.
I'll send help immediately.
Word.
Happy to serve, My Lord.
In quotes.
[LAUGHS EVILLY]
Secret villain!
Coming out of Helvetica Light Speed
and approaching Planet E-10.
- God damn.
- Maybe it knows it's home.
- [RUMBLING]
- What the math is happening?!
Die, Letter scum!
Aah!
I'm sick and tired of this bullshit.
Yo, 7! Count this!
Three-zus Christ!
♪♪
♪♪
[GRUNTING]
♪♪
Typical letter, acting on emotion.
You're welcome for saving
your numbery-ass!
I won't let you take me alive!
Have it your way.
If you're going to act
like ignorant children,
I guess the teacher's in charge.
And, young lady, whoever told
you numbers can't be emotional
did you wrong.
On Earth, numbers get down.
Sometimes even with letters.
Disgusting!
Uh-huh. See? That's what everyone says.
But then they go home and they type
all kinds of shit into Pornhub.
[SCRIBBLES SHOUTING]
- Scribble! Jot jot!
- Uh-oh!
W-We're surrounded by primitive googas.
- [GASPS]
- Okay.
The primitive googas
worship the glowing thing.
Things don't always resolve this fast.
We're making good time.
Scribble! Jot jot! Doodle! Doodle!
We can't understand you.
Obviously, they want to
take us to their village
for an Ewok party.
Damn, making really good time.
[SCRIBBLES CHANTING "JO
JOT," MUSIC PLAYING]
♪♪
This tribe claims the artifact
comes from a religious site
not far from here.
Awful nice of you to help.
I'm simply following the rules
of war as your prisoner.
Or maybe you're hoping if you're nice,
I'll let my guard down
so you can take the "I."
How dare you! I'm not a seductress.
I am a warrior.
And that's not an "I."
- It's a one.
- It's an "I."
You guys don't get out much, huh?
It seems kind of obvious
that these Scribbles are
like the original species
that letters and numbers came from.
So that relic thing probably
isn't a one or an "I."
I-It's probably just, like, a line.
It's symbolic of the
fact that your people
don't need to be at war.
- How do I know you again?
- Get Schwifty.
It's still nothing.
So mind your damn business.
At least we agree on that.
Looks like your detention
is officially over.
- Why?
- You finally learned
how hard it is to teach.
- No, I didn't.
- Then you learned
- how hard it is to learn.
- I already knew.
Just go to bed, you ungrateful shit!
- Cock a doodle!
- Cock a doodle two!
The "I," it's gone!
That bitch! 7 took the "I."
- Come on, Mr. Goldenfold.
- Count me out, Morty.
I'm tired of helping
that son of a bitch.
Seriously? Feels like
there's a deeper beef
than missing homework here.
- What really happened?
- It was the summer of 1991
Any friend of Ice-T is
welcome in my home.
And as governor, I can't wait to add
that math wing to Harry Herpson
High School, Mr. Goldenfold.
And I shall put it to good use, sir!
Of course you will. More baby potatoes?
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING ON TELEVISION]
God damn, I love rap.
♪♪
And the Grammy award for Rap
Artist of the Year goes to
Ice-T!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Yo, I just want to thank my words,
the letters that made them,
and that's it!
Nothing else. Peace!
I thought you said he'd thank math.
There must be some mistake.
Try a different channel.
The mistake was believing
you even knew Ice-
and could get me that
math-loving youth vote.
Now get out of here!
I got a God damn presidential
campaign to start.
After that, my dreams faded
away like so many erections.
I mean, that sucks,
but let's stop Sinistar-7,
and maybe you two sort
this out on the way home?
Hmm. Pretty sound logic.
And logic is a part of math!
Whatever. Come on.
If you're pregnant,
that's my cell number.
I know you can't read it,
but it's important I made an effort.
♪♪
[BOTH GRUNTING]
- Nice try.
- How dare you!
How dare you!
[BOTH PANTING]
[BOTH MOANING SOFTLY]
♪♪
[ENERGY WHOOSHES]
♪♪
[MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
♪♪
Shit, I think when we
started getting it on
that amulet showed us
the truth of our origins.
Father!
Hell, yeah. We're into
the same sick shit, huh?
No. My father.
- He's here.
- W-What's that?
Emperor Dread Nought.
♪♪
The fate of the
Alphabetrians is at hand.
Magma-Q's legacy ends here.
How the fuck did he find us?
OXYGEN-S: Betrayal reveal!
[LAUGHS EVILLY]
You appear displeased to
see me, Prince Water-T.
Cold-ass mutha-fucker,
you in league with Dread Nought?
How could you do us
Letters dirty like that, S?
My true name is not S.
On Numbericonia they call me
8!
8?! Oh, my God, he's a number?! [LAUGHS]
Did you know? I didn't. [LAUGHS]
Holy shit! I'm not even
supposed to be here today.
It's my day off. For real.
That's how much I like
working with these people!
[CHUCKLES]
Good thing your father
isn't alive to see you fail.
He'd be so disappointed.
Mutha-fucker, I'm gonna
shoot you in the dick.
Ha! I would like to see you try.
Villain exit.
Thanks for dragging
me across the universe
to be killed, Water-T.
No homework-doing, mother-grabbin
You want to go, old man?
I'll fuck you till you love me.
I'll put your kids through college.
I'll fucking take you to Boca
Raton, you motherfucker!
Ease up, Water-T.
After all, y-you did betray Goldenfold
by, uh, not thanking math
at the Grammys, I guess.
That's what you think happened?
Nah, G-Folds, it went like this.
[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
Didja listen to my album, Pop?
It's nominated for a Grammy.
Yes. I heard your album.
What is this four-four time,
rhythm nonsense?
It's disgusting!
You're a number-loving traitor
who doesn't care about
anything but himself.
♪♪
I I never knew.
You never asked.
Here Father.
The destiny of the Numbericons
is mine to claim!
Everyone has to watch while I do it too.
- How does this thing work again?
- [SIGHS]
Allow me, my lord.
Hold up. You're just gonna
let this motherfucker
[THUNDER BOOMS, RUMBLING]
Aah!
[SHOUTING]
♪♪
[LAUGHS EVILLY]
I don't get it.
The ultimate power of the
universe is finally mine!
Hey! I am the ruler of the Numbericons.
- The dead rule nothing!
- Aah!
Father! No!
Your father was a bitch.
You shall be my general now!
Well, he was a bad father.
I am Infinity,
omnipotent god of numbers!
And I have a world of
Letters to destroy!
[LAUGHS]
I guess he doesn't need
the ship anymore.
He doesn't need the ship anymore, guys!
You heard Infinity. Move out!
Whoo-hoo! All right!
We could have had something.
It was a mistake, T.
Letters and Numbers can never be.
♪♪
MORTY: What do we do?
He's going to destroy Alphabetrium!
Whatever. I don't care anymore.
Damn, T. That's cold.
Exactly.
Whoa!
- God damn.
- You do remember our adventure!
Not really.
Wow! Dope shit, T!
If we don't stop Infinity,
he's going to destroy Alphabetrium.
But that ooze-swamp put the
kibosh on our spaceships.
M-Maybe we can pull
it out and upgrade it
using parts of the Numbers' ship.
Oh, the googas already did it.
- Wow, you guys work fast.
- Scribble! Scribble!
Damn, it's like the Glyph
Jumper, but extreme.
[WOMAN SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]
The Glyph Jumper
Extreme is rad! [LAUGHS]
Let's go home and bust
a cap in Infinity's ass.
Wait, let me go pee first.
That way, when we get
there, I'll get to say
Well, I'm not gonna spoil it.
♪♪
Death to all Letters!
Neither upper nor lower
case will survive this day!
[LETTERS SCREAMING]
♪♪
The Brackets Shield has fallen!
It's an utter apostrophe!
Aah!
I am bigger than Letters.
I am bigger than Numbers.
My balls are huge,
and everyone can suck my dick!
[LAUGHS]
Stop! You're killing Numbers!
[LAUGHS]
My lord, this is too far!
Are you still fucking talking?
Here's a number for you, lady.
86 that ass! You're fired!
[LAUGHS]
Yo, suck this, bitch!
Aah!
Yo, T. Is that your girl?
♪♪
That's twice I saved your ass.
Infinity's gone mad with power.
He's killing every one
and every two and every
three and every
- We get it.
- I was wrong to join him
and wrong to leave you, Water-T.
Infinity killed both our fathers.
Nuh-uh. I was there.
Ceiling fell on him.
Ha!
Father!
That ceiling was poisoned.
Oxygen-S planned Magma-Q's
assassination for months.
All my life, I've served
such negative numbers.
This kid I don't know
was right all along.
- Finally!
- It's time for the Numbericons
to rise and join us.
How can we make the Numbericons
rise up against him?
We'll inspire them.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
Kill! Murder! Death!
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
♪♪
Why does a one hate an "I,"
I gotta wonder? ♪
When a lower case "I"
is an imaginary number ♪
Who stands to gain when
I shoot up a digit? ♪
The division is complex,
but you know we gotta bridge it ♪
Hey, hey, ohh ♪
[LAUGHS EVILLY]
You think you can stop me with rap, huh?
More homicides than a dodecahedron ♪
Number V letters the
shit that it feeds on ♪
Today, alpha-numerically combine ♪
Like G-L-O-C-K means my ice cold '9 ♪
I got letters and numbers
every time I F a ho ♪
Giving her one big dick
while she screams "O" ♪
♪♪
Magma-Q gets 'em wet
like she got her cry on ♪
My dick's 3.14 feet,
that's a pie-thon ♪
Ya'll actin' scared,
he ain't won yet ♪
Infinity to one odds?
That's an alpha-bet ♪
Father? You like a force ghost now?
The fuck it look like, son?
I came back to help you
hand Infinity his ass.
- You ready?
- Let's kill it, Pops.
Infinity ain't shit without
numbers and letters ♪
- We can blow his ass out ♪
- If we work together ♪
Rise up, Letters and
Numbers, I said rise up ♪
'Cause you know we're all brothers ♪
Oh ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Arise, King Magma-T!
- Oh, yeah.
- Whoa, damn!
♪♪
[GROWLS]
♪♪
My word! Water-T's
spittin' straight fire!
He truly is king of Alphabetrium.
♪♪
Infinity is too strong.
Nothing can defeat him.
You think? How about this shit?
The "I" of Harmony!
Muthafuckers just left it.
How will that help us?
This thing loves when Letters
and Numbers get down.
Come here, girl.
Mm!
Yeah. You like that, huh?
Hell, yeah!
You cannot stop me!
I'm infinitely infinite!
♪♪
[INFINITY SCREAMING]
My fucking dick!
Thought I was lying, mutha-fucker?
♪♪
Oh, Mr. Goldenfold, I love math!
And it loves you too, Morty.
I have to warn you, I'm a prime number.
I'm only divisible by myself.
Yeah, and my dick's magma now,
but we'll figure it out.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[BOTH MOANING SOFTLY]
How is that math homework
coming along, Morty?
I-It's great. It's It's so great.
Do you mind if I do a second
test, you know, for for fun?
Ha! You're weird.
And what about you, sir?
There. All done.
Here's your god damn
homework, old man. Happy?
More than you can possibly imagine.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
King Magma-T, my people need you.
And who are you?
Ice Cube of the Geomitrons.
My planet getting all bent out
of shape by the Formivores.
You Numbers and Letters strong enough
to fight them muthafuckers?
The warriors of Alpha-Numbericon
are unmatched in strength,
and we never refuse to
help our brother in need.
Word. My smokeshow queen speaks truth.
I'll grab my shit and
meet you out front.
Cool.