Scrubs s07e08 Episode Script

All right, Mrs Cropper, I think you're gonna be fine without the antibiotics.
And you don't think I'll need a pelvic exam? Not for a cold, no.
Do it with the gloves off.
Okay, either step aside or I'm gonna go through you.
Then you go through me.
You go through me hard.
Mrs Cropper wasn't the only one showing aggression.
Ever since Turk visited his brother last month, he'd been more alpha male than ever.
All right, we all know the rules of remote wrestling.
Last man standing decides what we watch.
Man rumble? I go next.
Right? Right? Yeah! No.
I don't care that you've been waiting two hours to be helped.
Thank you for letting me think about it.
Anybody have an idea how we can calm down the clientele when we're this backed up? You know what would work? Duck pond.
Right here.
I can't believe I've never said this to you: Nobody cares what you think.
Listen, guys.
It's come to my attention that nobody around here cares what we think.
Tell me about it.
Like, I thought it'd be cute if, down in the morgue, we got Hello Kitty toe tags.
You know, for the dead kids? But, no.
Exactly.
Sort of.
I've figured out a way to get our voices heard.
Okay? It's a little newsletter called Brace yourselves.
Seriously, brace yourselves.
The Janitorial.
Now, what I'm thinking we can do Un-brace yourselves.
Un-brace.
There we go.
Todd has a question.
Yes.
Could I be the photographer so I have a valid excuse for wearing this? Don't ruin it.
I'm gonna be writing all the editorials, okay? On issues like union strife, insurance scams, baby wolf men.
What I need is an investigative reporter, yeah? Somebody who is bland enough and insignificant enough that he'd be listening in on a private conversation, get the secrets, but no one would even notice he was there.
I'll do it.
You been sitting there this whole time? No.
First I was in your chair and you sat on my lap, remember? I said, "Excuse me.
" And you said, "Get up and sit over there," and I did.
Right? And Hey, Janitor.
Oh, hey, Ted.
Hello? "Rate Dr Reid's butt"? Yes, 9.
2! Thank God this hospital is full of white guys.
Calm down, Enid.
It's not my fault that I'm being forced out of my job.
The Board found out about my age because Dr Reid just had to throw a birthday party for me.
Now, Enid, I've got to go back to work.
Don't be too pleased with that 9.
2.
That's out of 100.
Dr Cox, can Sam watch West Side Story? It helps him fall asleep.
And it makes my heart sing.
Fine, but absolutely no singing or dancing along.
And I will throw my coffee at you if I catch you even once doing this All right, I'll just do it in my head, then.
I'm watching the game.
You put that remote down or be prepared to wrestle.
Who ordered a can of whoop-ass? I think you did.
I want you to see this.
Can you see the TV from there, buddy? Unfortunately, you're going to have to get used to events like this.
Don't listen to him, Sam.
Turk, stop bouncing.
How do you get it to spin so well? You got to make sure the pen's right in the middle.
Check it out.
We made the front page.
I know.
It's awesome.
Now there's no doubt who the best buds in the whole hospital are.
Tracy and Stacy can suck it.
Dude.
Oh, sorry, Tracy and Stacy.
I see you guys are wearing each other's oxygen tubes.
That's cute.
- All right, they win.
- Yeah.
Check it out.
I'm gonna take this to Kinko's and get it blown up poster-size.
- Get two.
- I know.
Wait a minute.
Let me see if I've got this right.
The front-page story about your humiliating ass-kicking doesn't bother you at all? You're the only one your son has to model himself after when he's trying to figure out how to be a man, and seeing the occasional poster of Paul Mitchell whenever you take him by the beauty salon isn't going to cut it.
Well, it's unfortunate that all children can't have the amazing role model that you are, Mr Borderline Alcoholic.
Nailed him! It's great having silver bullets like that on everyone in the hospital.
- You sure told him.
- Thanks, Herpes.
I'm so sorry that they're forcing you out.
I feel horrible.
Sweetheart, you should.
It's your fault.
Look, I'll talk to the Board.
I am so great at changing people's minds.
My best friend in college thought he was gay, but I totally convinced him that he was into women.
After that, he had a ton of girlfriends.
Until senior year when he hung himself.
Why is it that so many of your stories end with, "And then he hung himself"? Bad luck, I guess.
Don't help me.
And keep this to yourself.
It'll be our secret.
This is your new patient, John.
What's your secret? I can't tell.
And besides, you are terrible at keeping secrets.
You know, my brothers are great at keeping secrets.
They never once told anybody about the time they got into a fight in the bathroom and accidentally bumped wieners.
It was only for a second.
- Still gay, though.
- Told you.
Well, it's official.
The Janitorial is a hit.
But no time to rest.
We got to get another issue out before lunch.
But we just put one out this morning.
Doug, The Janitorial is a tri-daily.
But let's hold out on the meeting until Ted gets here.
I'm right here.
I bought you that scone.
I thought the manager gifted it to me for not running that exposé on how Coffee Bucks beans are picked by dirty river monkeys.
I'm kidding, Ted.
Actually, I wasn't kidding.
Todd, how's the weather section shaping up? I think all the ladies in the greater metro area should expect to see about eight inches tonight.
What's up? Entire-Coffee-Bucks-Five.
- Hit it! - Nice newsletter there, fellows.
It's the first thing that I've ever read where I could actually feel myself getting stupider as I read it.
Are you calling me stupid? Well, it's your stupid paper, right? So, yeah.
- High five.
- You're stupid.
Hit it! Hit it! Hit it hard! And done.
What did I miss? Hey! You want to explain the fingernail marks down my wife's back? First of all, that's a perfectly acceptable fighting style.
And secondly, I think you should ask your wife about that.
This is very close.
What did you have for lunch, scallops? Hey, dude.
Why don't you let him go? I don't have a problem with you, man.
I should warn you, I've killed a man.
Granted, it was during surgery, but I don't need anaesthesia to knock your ass out.
- Sorry.
- That's right.
Walk away! Walk away! We got them.
That was a close one, wasn't it? Thank goodness your big, brave man-friend was here.
Sam, I want to be real clear about this.
That's your daddy, not your mommy.
How did you get Sam out of day care? Put on a wig and a skirt and told them I was you.
So John has had swelling in his chest wall for a few months.
Cold hands.
Should've told you.
So you're pretty tight with your brothers, huh? Yeah.
They're idiots, but they're all right.
John, it looks like you have some skin puckering.
I'm just gonna order some tests and see what's going on, okay? I'll be right here.
- He's a nice guy, isn't he? - He's incredible.
What's your secret? Are you pregnant? Why would I be talking to Kelso if I was pregnant? - It's his baby.
- That was one dream, Carla.
And it doesn't count because he was half-dolphin.
Which half? Hey, Mop For Brains, I was reading your paper online while I was on the toilet and - Yeah, I squat and surf.
- Oh, it's the best.
Anyway, did you happen to notice what one of your so-called correspondents put on there? "Dr Cox admitted that his callous outer shell "is just protecting a fragile inner core of sadness.
"'Lf I seem angry, "'I'm really just wishing people would give me a warm hug "'or pat me on the back and say, I'm right with you, man!"' Yeah, I did happen to catch that, while I was writing it.
I never gave you an interview.
- I don't see that that's relevant.
- Why am I even bothering with this? Nobody ever believes what you put on these things anyway.
Really? People believe everything they see online.
Apples linked to hair loss.
And post.
- I'm kidding, Ted.
- I don't want to eat it again.
Ted.
Here's John's lab work.
If you tell me your secret, I won't tell anybody about the time you ate a cricket.
You tricked me into doing that.
Dominican snack, my heinie.
You know, you didn't have to save me from Mrs Cropper's husband.
- I could've handled him.
- How? By ramming your face into his fists over and over again? You make jokes, but I did that to Paul Edwards in college, and who won that fight? He broke two knuckles, but I only fractured one skull.
Scoreboard, Turk.
Scoreboard! He did have to wear that goofy hand brace for a while.
Yeah, I don't remember that, but I am still missing some large chunks from that year.
The point is, I don't want you fighting my battles for me.
I need to be a strong male role model for Sam.
But, dude, that's my job.
Remember? When Sam gets older, I teach him about sports and stuff, and you're in charge of lzzy's emotional crap.
We agreed that's how we'd raise our kids.
Our kids? Turk, we're not married.
Dude, we're a little married.
I know.
I love it.
Besides, if you start acting like a man's man all of a sudden, you're just teaching Sam to lie about who he really is.
You know? That's it.
I am a man.
And it's time to prove it, once and for all.
Walk more purposefully, damn it! You're pissed! We're watching what I want to watch.
With my adrenaline flowing and my pride on the line, I knew this time Oh, no, wait.
No, that's Thank you.
It sucks to feel totally trapped.
Whether it's by a misinformed co-worker I feel alone, too.
Oh, no.
or some very unexpected news.
John, your test results came back.
You have breast cancer.
The hard part is finally breaking free! Dude, relax.
I'm getting up now.
- Calm down.
- Get off! I knew I had two choices, apologise to Turk and admit it was an accident, or this Yeah! How you like me now, bitch? Right? Up high! Up high! That's how we do! So uncool.
I'm gonna kill him! Where is Move! After putting a beat down on Turk, the last thing I wanted to do was be lame and hide in a supply closet.
That's why I chose down here.
Why are you here? After all these years of putting on toe tags, I sort of developed a foot fetish.
And you get tired of looking at dead ones, you know? No, Doug, I don't.
Quick question.
How could I possibly have breast cancer? Anyone can get it, John.
And unfortunately, your sentinel node biopsy came back positive.
We should start chemotherapy right away.
Do you want to call your brothers? I'm not telling anybody about this, all right? So just forget it.
End of story.
Can I have a minute, please? Why wouldn't John want any help? You know, this reminds me of the time my cousin Greg got stuck at the airport.
I offered to pick him up, but he said he'd just crash at some cheap motel.
- Anyway, the next day - Let me guess.
He hung himself.
What? No, Dr Kelso, my cousin didn't hang himself, okay? He did.
But he lived.
That's a nice story.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop it, please.
There's no touching.
No touching me.
No, please don't touch.
Okay, everyone, can I have your attention? That interview is a fake.
It never happened.
So there's no more touching me.
Not now, not never.
Knock, knock, knock.
Hello, is the real Dr Cox in there? Because his friend Ted wants him to know it's safe to come out.
- You read the interview, too? - What interview? Oh, thank God.
Turk will never beat me up in front of Carla.
- What is John's problem? - Yeah, Carla, what is his problem? He's embarrassed about having breast cancer.
Most guys would be.
You know what else would embarrass most guys? Having their ass handed to them Hong-Kong style in front of the whole cafeteria.
Elliot, even doctors get self-conscious about their bodies.
Remember last month when Turk pretended to visit his brother, but he was actually having his testicle removed? He was so embarrassed, he only let me tell you about it.
And he was only comfortable telling J.
D.
Baby, I haven't told J.
D.
How could you not tell your best friend? Do you guys even realise I'm here? One testicle.
Well, where is it? Did you at least keep it? Why would I keep my testicle? These conditions are perfect.
He's beautiful.
Oh, my God.
This is totally awesome.
Can you go pick up Carla's dry cleaning so I can play basketball? It can't talk.
- What the hell am I gonna do with that? - Stop, Turk.
You're making him cry.
It's okay, Plant Turk.
Friends.
See? He's learning.
- Get the clippers! Get the clippers! - Let him go! Let him go! We have to find your ball, Turk.
We have to find it and destroy it.
You don't realise that Carla and Elliot left, do you? Look at him, he's dying in there.
I mean, emotionally, not dying dying.
Although, he could be.
I haven't seen his full blood work yet.
Good, he's not dying.
But he is.
I'll never be surprised by the ridiculous behaviour of men.
Wow, Turk's pretty quick without that testicle weighing him down.
I wonder if Olympic athletes have ever thought of that.
Take them both off and I'll bring home the gold.
Hell, if it makes a difference, you can even take off my Damn it! Never fantasise while running.
You know that.
There.
I locked myself in.
You can't stay in there forever.
You gotta make this stop.
- Why're you torturing me? - Because you called me stupid.
Now, I've been called a great many horrible names in my life, backstabber, zebra poacher, Josh.
And I've accepted these because to each of them there is a degree of truth.
But I am not, nor will I ever be, stupid.
- Fair enough.
I'm very sorry.
- Apology accepted.
Now how about an interview with the real Dr Cox? Fine, let's just crank this out.
- You don't have to be here.
- Beg your pardon? Off you go.
It's all up here.
Occupied! It's too bad we can't just call John's brothers and tell them that he needs them.
I know.
Stupid doctor-patient confidentiality.
It's like wearing a muzzle.
Like last month, one of my patients asks out Nurse Rollins, and I couldn't even warn her that I'm treating the guy for a horrible case of mono.
Now she has it and her grandfather has it.
I don't know, she wouldn't say.
Men are always doing this to themselves.
If they say they don't want your help, you can bet your ass they really need it.
That is so true I'm putting that on my answering machine and saving it for my next relationship.
Don't bother.
There's no reception in here.
Oh, my God.
Dr Kelso wants my help.
I swear, Elliot, if you don't tell me this secret, I'm gonna go in that stall and change your butt rating.
So which one did you lose? Lamont or Grady? Lamont.
Now on hot days, he'll be sticking to God's leg.
- How'd it happen? - My kid kicked me in the groin and now I got testicular torsion.
That sucks.
Lately, I've been feeling like less of a man.
I think that's why I've been overcompensating with all of that remote wrestling, alpha male stuff.
But losing a testicle is not gonna make you less of a man.
Although, you do realise you'll probably be having daughters for the rest of your life, if you lost the one that makes boy babies.
- That's not really how it works, is it? - I'm not really sure.
But still, you whooped me in public.
So we got to fight again.
Turk, have you not been listening? Sam.
Role model.
I have to win.
So what do you want to do? And then we had it.
- Rocky III freeze-frame ending! - Rocky III freeze-frame ending! Yeah, I totally messed J.
D.
Up.
I cut my knuckle knocking his teeth out, right? Check out the scar.
As I showed off the cut I'd gotten from a broken jam jar, I thought about how complex the male ego is.
It can make us need constant affirmation that we're strong or even feared.
- This is brilliant.
- I thought you'd like it.
It can even make us so afraid to ask for help that instead, we just quietly hope for someone to notice.
Dr Kelso, I told Carla your secret and we're gonna help you.
We're going to rally everyone in this hospital to stop that Board from forcing you out of your job.
Are you in on this, too, Perry? Nope.
First time hearing it and I couldn't care less.
He'll get there.