Workaholics s07e08 Episode Script

1 - Oh, my God, Karl.
- Oh, oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, Jamie.
Oh, dang! My man has been in there since the beginning of the party.
- [laughing.]
- My gosh.
When does it stop, man? [laughing.]
Hey.
What are you doing here? I'm just waiting for my friend.
Yeah, might be waiting a while.
- All: [laughing.]
- From the sound of it.
- Yeah.
- 'Cause our friend's having sex with your friend.
- Both: Yeah.
- I can hear.
- 'Cause of that sound.
Yeah.
- Hey, uh You guys seem pretty tired.
Maybe you should just, uh - hit the hay? - I'm not tired.
Don't you have that, um, thing really early in the morning that you need to rest for? No, I actually I cancelled my thing because I have the power to do that, but you guys definitely scheduled something very early.
I, like, never have a thing.
I'm actually kinda bummed that I never have things to do, but I want you guys to leave 'cause I think this girl's down to grind Eric Nies-style.
Yeah, I know she definitely wants to grind Eric Nies-styley, but that vibe she's throwing towards me.
Guys, welcome to "The Real World: Season One.
" Okay? If anybody's going to be grinding Eric Nies-styley, it's gonna Heather B.
me.
Okay? Do you feel me? So just go to sleep.
Quite frankly, I think you should go to sleep.
Don't do that to me, okay? I want you to go to sleep.
Guys, don't touch each other's face.
Don't touch each other's face.
- Oh, this is a push off, man? - Yeah, this is a push off.
Oh, you wanna push off? - Hey! - Is this a push off? - Hey! Hey! - Is this a push off? Hey! Stop it! Stop it! - Is everything okay? - No! Have you noticed? But not everything is okay, all right? 'Cause we see what you're doing.
You're pitting us against each other to see who wins your hand - down our pants.
- I don't want to- We don't fight over girls anymore.
And you know that.
Do I need to play the tape? - What tape? - The tape? I'm playing the tape.
Is it "Three Ninjas"? Now, this This is what happens when we battle for the butts.
We don't let girls come between us, all right? - Oh, the tape.
- Ohh.
- Tape's goin' in! - I don't know what that is.
Is it "Field of Dreams"? - [indistinct.]
VHS in a while.
- It's cool we still have one.
Yeah, really cool.
Works great, too.
DVD.
VCR.
Can't beat it.
Today on this special roommate edition of "Termidate" Hello-o-o! Watch what happens when four roomies Ahh! Boo, boo, boo, boo! [gagging.]
Now who's the idiot! Courtnee, Skyler's got a huge one.
Battle for one girl.
[jazzy music.]
I think it's actually kinda bull[bleep.]
, so why don't you just give me one [bleep.]
dance? - Whoa! - Ahh! Ahh! Cut! Cut! It all begins now on My name is Courtnee, and I'm studying to become a veterinarian's assistant.
I love animals, hanging out with my family, and going outside.
I'm looking for a nice, normal, super hot guy just to have fun with.
I take care of sick puppies all day, - so I don't want to date one.
- [dog whining.]
[upbeat music.]
Hey, I'm Anders, and I'm a telemarketing associate.
I guess I want what any other red-blooded, Norwegian American wants, and that is a genetically superior female to breed a litter of future Olympians with.
I'm Courtnee.
Oh, nice grip.
Big hands.
Let's see the wingspan here.
Pretty decent.
Yeah, if Courtnee's got the right DNA, then someday, maybe, she can call me.
[phone rings.]
Hey-y-y! My name is Blake, and this definitely ain't fake.
Ahh! Arh-arh-arh-arh! Ooh, I see a pretty lady.
Argh-argh-argh! I'm Blake.
Court uh.
Court Courtnee.
Courtnee? Oh, well.
You may want tthink about courting me, because I am excellent at having sex.
- [laughs.]
- I've had sex with 99 girls, and how would you like to be numero hundo to ride-o my bone-o? [gagging.]
It's true, Blake's a total man-whore.
I mean, you guys couldn't even air this episode if I told you half the stuff coming out of his bedroom.
But you are going to air, right? - [ding.]
- On TV? Have you met this guy? [imitating lisp.]
Hey, I'm Ders.
Yeah, I like to kiss big, handsome men, because I'm so big and gay.
No I'm like a big, gay fairy.
Oh-la, la-la-la! Oh, ooh, uh, ah.
Yeah, he's funny, right? He's joking, he's I take it in the butt.
Wop, wop, wop, wop.
Hey, what's up, guys? I'm Skyler, aka "Sky.
" I'm 24, and I'm a personal trainer.
Some people say the sky's the limit, but I say Sky's gonna win it.
This is for you.
Gay-y! Wow.
Thank you.
- Of course.
- You are such a gentleman.
I didn't know we were allowed to give gifts.
I guess the gift I'll give you will be the child I put in you, but this Come on.
Yo! What it is.
[clears throat.]
I'm Adam, and I'm really into, uh What did what did Skyler say he was into? 'Cause 'Cause I'm I'm gonna be into that.
'Cause we're like, we're best friends.
Howdy! What's up, dawg? Man, you look good, dude.
Blue is a good color on you.
What is that? Sky blue? I get it.
Oh, look what I'm wearing, crazy [stammering.]
We're really good friends now, and we're probably gonna be best friends after this airs.
This is going to be on TV, right? Hey, what's up? I'm Adam.
- Courtnee.
- Cool.
Hey, uh, you into this chick? 'Cause I can hook it up for you.
- Definitely.
- Nah, I'm good.
Hey, Courtnee.
Skyler's got a huge one.
Mm-hmm.
And I'm talking about his heart.
Which would have to be huge to pump blood into his giant [bleep.]
.
[laughs.]
[comical horn.]
What? I've seen you in mesh shorts.
[elephant trumpeting.]
The only reason I let these guys move in is because my old roommates moved out, and I needed to find subletters ASAP.
And, you know, I think I hate Adam.
Skyler and I are gonna kick the other dudes out.
And it's just gonna be me and him.
Alone.
In that big, beautiful home.
A fun fact about me is that I love to dance.
So these guys are gonna have to prove that they can bust a move.
So for our first date, I've planned something really fun with a special guest.
Please welcome Jimmy Sparx! [giggles.]
[clapping.]
Whoo! You know what they say, right? Where there's Sparx there's fire.
Oh! Oh! Put me out! Put me out! Put me out! All: [clapping.]
Jimmy is an amazing choreographer.
And today, he's gonna give us a little dance lesson.
Yeah, I don't need a lesson, though, 'cause I already know how to dance.
Skyler, check this out.
[chuckling.]
Look at this guy.
Looks like the Carlton got electrocuted.
[grunting.]
Eh, eh, ehh! Hey, what's up? I'm Adam.
The Carlton.
[mimics electrocution.]
That's him.
Nah, I don't look like Carlton, so Yeah, you you kinda do, though.
Do I? Do I kinda look like Carlton? I kinda did! I was, like, waiting for you to catch it.
I was like, ah, I bet Skyler's gonna catch it.
Hey, hey! Let's just cut the chit-chat and start dancing, bitches.
[mimics Anders.]
Let's dance, bitches.
I'm like, a serious dad with my church shoes on.
I took swing dance lessons in church in high school, so I'm pretty excited to show off my moves.
Also, dancing shows off core strength and stamina.
So if Courtnee's got any physical defects Daddy's gonna know.
[shrill "Psycho" notes.]
Okay, guys.
We are going to start off very nice and very easy.
Start like this.
Ready? Right foot in, slide it back.
Hip, pull, punch down.
It's important to be very accurate.
We are Swiss watches, we are Swiss watches.
Swiss watches with shoes.
All right.
And Right foot out, slide it back, hip pull, punch down, knees.
- Oh.
- Ooh, knees.
Check it out, guys.
Ah! Ah! No hands.
Ah-ah-ah-ah-uh-uhh-uhh! [slurping.]
Errrooop! What are you- What is this? What are you doing? - He's sucking a [bleep.]
.
- 'Cause we're on our knees.
That's what you do when you're on your knees.
Oh, I'm sorry, should I be more like, "Oh, hello, queen.
Can you please knight me with a huge [bleep.]
?" [gagging.]
- [laughing.]
- Adam would like this bit.
[mimes blowjob.]
[gagging.]
- [laughing.]
- Oh, don't forget the balls.
Oh, dude, you're so [grunting, gagging.]
You don't like That's not funny.
That's not funny, dude.
Skyler is, like, so gay-y.
Like, the only thing I take seriously is annihilating trim.
When I get the center set to the punani, it's like, [mimics robot.]
"Destroy the punani.
" [comical squeaking sounds.]
[train whistles.]
Uh-oh! Gotta go wipe your butt or something? Where is she going? Did I turn you on? [mimics blowjob.]
[crickets chirping.]
Five, six, seven, eight.
Pose! [hip-hop music playing.]
Float it pose! Imagine you're a raccoon! Pose! Feel it so hard now.
Stick it! Action! Down and float, punch, left.
Right and float to the guns! Swivel it now.
Swivel again.
I'm a cat, I'm a cat, I'm a Mary Poppins.
Pop attack.
One, pop, and one.
Go, get ready, freestyle, boom, pose! [Courtnee claps and giggles.]
Wow, Skyler! You're not bad.
He's not, "not bad.
" He's not, "not amazing.
" Right? Yeah, this guy rules, man.
You killed it.
I was looking at you the whole time, I'm like, "Damn, Sky-guy! - [chuckles.]
- My Sky-guy.
Right, except this isn't even real dancing.
So why don't you come over here, I'll teach you the pretzel.
It's a swing dance move.
My mom loved it.
We used to swing dance all the time.
She said I was the best partner she ever had.
- Jesus Christ.
- I'm good, Anders.
I just think it's kind of weird that we have to dance for you, but you don't have to dance for us.
I think it's actually kind of bull[bleep.]
.
So why don't you just give me one [bleep.]
dance? Okay, Anders, it's been really nice to meet you, but I think it's time To have a little QT time? Pow! [chuckles.]
You know I had to pull the QT card.
This gives me five minutes of quality time.
Alone.
With Courtnee.
So I can get down to business, you know.
Probably gonna put her through some physical rigorous activity.
Sit-ups, pull-ups, push-ups.
Um, you know, date stuff.
[light music.]
- So - Let's cut the small talk.
Okay? Let's get physical.
I say that we wrestle with our legs, Indian style.
- Come on! - Um- You can't call it "Indian style.
" Probably right.
Very retarded of me.
Anyway, come on.
Let's see three taps, and go! Okay, look, Anders, um you're an interesting guy.
I know.
It's crazy, right? Not what I meant.
Um What I what I'm trying to say is that you are termidated.
What I what I'm trying to say is that you are termidated.
A fun thing about me is that I love to have a good time.
Howdy, boys! I'm gonna take these boys for a ride to see who ends up by my side.
[giggles.]
Skyler.
My momma used to say you can tell a lot about a guy based on what he drinks.
Yup, I agree.
Adam, what's your favorite drink? What is my favorite drink, Skyler? I have no idea.
I'm on a cleanse this week, so I'm just sticking with water and a lemon wedge.
Yup.
So then that's what I'm drinking.
Just a water and a lemon wedge.
'Cause I'm on a cleanse right now, this week.
So that's what I'm drinking.
[sniffs.]
Oh, what smells Something smells Oh, do you smell that? It's the buffet.
[hokey music.]
[pig oinking.]
Well, now that it's just the two of us uh, I think that I could definitely tell you that Oh, my gosh! I think I think I'm falling for you! Whoa! Ow! Okay, ow, ow.
[groans.]
Landed on my wrist.
And I think I chipped my elbow.
[bleep.]
! In what universe do I not pick Skyler? Have I, uh, ever told you guys about the time I had sex at the zoo? - Mm-mm.
- Oh-h! This is a new one, huh? Okay, err, well, let me tell you the story.
[laughing.]
So I'm basically with this girl who's all over my big old nut-sack and we're kinda, like, looking around.
We get to the gorilla pen, all right, and it kinda gets us going.
And I get this hard-on, and we just start Boo, boo, boo, whoo, whoo, whoo! Right there in front of the gorillas.
And the gorillas are kinda looking at first, like, "What's going on here?" And they join in! Pffft-pfffttt-pffffft [Adam muttering.]
And then I just blew a fat load.
- I'm really good at sex.
- Tight.
So, Skyler, who's your favorite roommate? Blake and I went on a bike ride together last week.
- That's true.
- Excuse me? You did not tell me about that.
And I thought we tell each other everything.
- No, we don't.
- You know what QT time.
Maybe you should calm down before we have quality time together.
You wish.
Don't you think I would like a nice bike ride with my with my good friend Skyler? Don't you think I would appreciate that? Blake doesn't care.
- It's not that serious, bro.
- [scoffs.]
- It was just a bike ride.
- So, what, you think I can't ride a bike? Is that what this is? You think I'm not athletic enough? Huh? - I - I'm exactly like you! So to prove my point, I'm going to ride the ultimate bike a mechanical bull.
- I don't think you should - Watch this, Skyler! Hello, sir.
I'm gonna have to borrow your hat.
Pardon me.
Skyler, you watching? Hit it, sir! You see that jump? That was athletic.
You see that, Sky-guy? Ohh Easy-peasy.
Easy, is it Whoa! Okay.
Whoo! The cleanse is starting to pop up a little bit.
Oh, I'm getting cleansed! [hurling.]
[overlapping screaming.]
Oh, oh! Cut it! cut it! [overlapping yelling.]
Oh, I think the queso's gone bad.
Do not eat the ribs, the queso, or the wings! Or the cotton candy.
Now that we are semi cleaned up I still smell, though I thought maybe it would be fun if we all Anders? You're not allowed to be here.
Not allowed to be here? I'm sorry, I'm a paying customer.
I just bought this sick jacket and A toothpick.
All right, man.
I think you should bounce.
Skyler! Just mind your business.
- Whoa! - Just back off, all right? Do you have meaty thighs? How's your pain threshold? No, no, no, no, no.
Why don't you - Back off.
- [laughing.]
All right, I-I don't think there's a need for that, though.
I mean Why don't you make me? Oh! Ding-ding-ding! First round of the loser-weight fight.
Adam Adam! Adam! Oh! Girl fight, girl fight! You definitely have some dance moves, but you ignored me the entire time and only talked to Skyler.
- So, I'm getting termidated.
- True.
Then, you threw up on me while riding on a mechanical bull - Also true.
- So I'm getting termidated.
And now, you're starting a fight with Anders.
Also, I'm not attracted to you.
- So I'm getting cut? - Yeah.
I'm termidating you.
- What? - Ooh! Yes! Okay, well, I did not see that coming.
I did not see that coming.
And then, there were two.
Courtnee has termidated Anders and Adam and now will choose either hot guy Skyler or funny man Blake.
Do we honestly have to keep doing this? I'm gonna pick Skyler.
Okay, before I pick Skyler I mean make my final decision - Yeah, common mistake.
- Why don't we play a kissing contest? - Ooh! - Skyler.
- You wanna go first? - Oh, sure! [giggles.]
[sensual music.]
Save some for me.
Both: [moaning.]
Dang! Wait till you get a little of what I got.
- Ooh! - [chuckles.]
Whoo.
Okay, my turn.
- Activate kiss mode.
- [Courtnee panting.]
Durruh l-l-l-l-l So-so-sorry, sorry, sorry I think we're moving a little too quickly.
What do you mean? You You I just saw you orgasm on him.
There's something I should probably admit.
I'm a virgin.
[boing.]
And I know you've been with a lot of girls, and that grosses me out.
So I should probably just kiss Skyler again.
[claps.]
I'm down for that.
[overlapping chatter.]
No, no, no, no, no.
Because this guy is a total poon hound.
What are you talking about? He's had sex with many, - many victims.
- Nine.
See.
That's, like, the perfect number.
- Right.
- Gay-y! Hey! You can't say that [bleep.]
, all right? My brother's gay.
And he's been picked on, and I see the pain that he goes through.
Yeah, okay, I get that now.
Ohh Eh, eh, uh, uh! Ruuuuh! A magician's trick.
[whooshing.]
QT.
QT time.
Okay? Come on, let's go.
No cameras, please.
No cameras.
No cameras! Stop! Stop! - I need to talk to her! - Are you serious? Stop! Yeah, you knew it.
He was compensating for something.
I was, like, "Nobody has sex that loud.
" Oh, well, well.
If it isn't "the virgin.
" [laughing.]
"Virgin.
" Okay, now is not the time, Anders.
[chuckling.]
You're a virgin.
I feel like I knew the whole time.
Aah! Skyler, I came here looking for a guy to just have a little fun with, but I think I may have found a whole lot more.
I know exactly what you mean.
- You stupid idiot! - Ow, oh, uhh! [brakes hiss.]
[overlapping yelling.]
I know this may sound crazy, but I can really see us work Oh, [bleep.]
! [thudding.]
[Courtnee panting.]
Oh Skyler! - Ow, you hurt my knee.
- Get out of here.
- The heck's going on? - Somebody call 9-1-1.
Yeah, you better, 'cause these guys gonna need an ambulance.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! - You hit Skyler! - No, say my name, say my name.
When no one is around you, just say baby, I love you, Like Destiny's Child! Skyler, please.
- I've got no pulse! - Oh, my God, oh, my God! Is this episode still going to air? - Is it still gonna air? - Oh, my God! Will it air? We will never forget! For Skyler! Feels like we have a really good episode.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah.
- [moaning.]
- So - Oh, my God - That is what happens when we let girls come between us.
Yeah, I totally forgot about Skyler.
- He was our roommate.
- Yeah.
'Cause when I started watching, I'm like, "Who's that dude?" Like, in our crew, and then - Yeah.
- And then I remembered, like, 15 minutes into it.
I'm just going to ask.
Who do you want to bang? Me? Him? This one? I'm just waiting for my friend.
I would never have hooked up with any of you, even before I found out what complete psycho losers you are.
Jane! We're leaving.
[moaning continues.]
Psycho losers? - Yeah, Karl! - Oh! Oh-h-h! - [moaning.]
- Oh, yeah, oh, yeah! Baby! I'm gonna [bleep.]
! Yeah! No, no! I'm sorry my dick's not small! - Okay! Yeah! - [grunting.]
Okay Uh what's up? Jane? Sarah.
- Karl.
- Blake.
- Ders? - What? - I don't know, I was just - Let's go.
They were all saying names, so I just said - No.
- Bye, Jane! Thank you, you were phenomenal.
- Leave your number, or - All right, cool.
Guys, I'm sorry.
I was just pulling a Blake.
- Oh.
- I paid her a bunch of money to make [bleep.]
sounds so that maybe, just maybe, you guys would think was cool.
Karl, I never took you for a guy that Cared about impressing people that way.
Are you kidding me? I considerate it an honor to have you guys as friends.
Each and every day, you inspire me to be a better man.
Okay? At a time when being a man isn't the cool thing - No.
- You guys continuously make it just cool enough.
Sure, I'm your drug dealer.
But, you know, you guys deal me something more powerful and potent and addictive than any drug ever could be.
Love.
- Man love.
- Mm-hmm.
- Between men.
- Mmhmm.
So, yeah, Anders.
I care about what you think.
So you're just trying to make us forget that you paid a woman to pretend like she was [bleep.]
you, right? Yes.
Of course.