All In The Family s07e09 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us, we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days Oh, yeah, it still is.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Yeah, thank you very much.
Edith! Good-bye.
Hey, Edith Archie! Edith, I wanna show you something sad and a little bit stupid.
Look at this thing.
Empty.
Marvin the Mouse escaped again.
See, this thing ain't strong enough for him.
That only scratches his back while he's eating.
Maybe it's the bait.
What do you use? Velveeta.
You can't use a high-class, delicate cheese like that.
You've got to use something that stinks.
Stinks, Edith, see? I'm trying to kill the mices, you're trying to give them gor-mets dinners here.
Come on in the kitchen, I'll find a nice, juicy hunk of garbage.
Archie, guess what.
The hospital I don't want to guess nothing, Edith.
The hospital placement service just called.
What become of the garbage? Well, I put it out.
Why did you do that? 'Cause I didn't want it to smell.
That's when garbage is perfect, Edith.
Archie, the hospital is sending somebody over to rent the room! Oh, now, now, wait, I think I changed my mind about that, Edith.
I don't want to rent that room.
In the hospital you thought it was a good idea, so we could pay some of our bills.
That was in the hospital.
I was full up with pills and enemas.
I didn't know whether I was coming or going.
Ain't you got nothing rotten in here? You used to have always two or three little wrapped-up bags of moldy stuff.
I cleaned it out yesterday.
Couldn't you leave a little bit of poison for Marvin, huh? We gotta get that mouse.
Don't you know, mices is dangerous animals.
Oh, no, they ain't dangerous.
And Marvin is so cute.
What are you talking about, they ain't dangerous? You know your biggest animal in the world, your elephant, he's going around eating his peanuts, a mouse comes along, he's scared to death.
I never believed that.
It certainly is true, 'cause the mices run up his trunk.
Oh Why would a mouse do that? To grab away his nuts! Archie, we gotta rent that room.
Remember, you were out of work for five weeks.
Oh, Edith, I don't want no strangers in the house.
The strangers make strange noises, there, and between you, me, and Marvin the Mouse, we got strange noises enough.
What are you shoving a cup at me for? I got a cup.
Some people is very quiet.
Uhhh! The quiet ones are the worst ones of all.
You never know what the hell they're up to.
Besides, I don't want to share a bathroom with a stranger.
You go in there, the soap is in the dish, you know somebody used it, but you never know where.
Maybe he'd bring his own soap.
Yeah, but maybe he'd like mine better.
Suppose he's one of them long-haired jerks.
Then there's hair on the soap, hair on the soap dish, hair on the floor hair on the sink, there's hair all over the place.
The place looks like a bunch of beavers was "hibermating" there.
Well, a nice young medical student.
Oh, medical students, the worst of all.
Do you know what them guys bring home for homework? Pieces of bodies and old bones.
Wouldn't that be swell? To see some kid walking in here with a little bag of toes? Yeah, but think of the money.
We could get $100 a month for that room.
Come on, Edith.
Never.
Oh, yeah.
Nah.
Yeah? Yeah.
A hundred dollars? A month.
Times 12 months that's nearly $1,000 a year.
I think it'd be more.
Maybe you're right.
But, Edith, look use a little of your horse's sense, there.
You don't want a guy bringing girls home, sneaking 'em in and smuggle 'em up the stairs.
Now, you don't want a guy like that.
Suppose the guy is a girl.
You wouldn't want that neither, Edith.
I mean suppose the person that's coming from the hospital is a nice girl.
Well, all right, a nice girl, but we don't want one of them real pretty ones, attracting all the boyfriends around.
That's nothing but trouble there.
Get a homely one, you know? One of the skinny ones with the flat chest and the big feet.
Some girl who don't want nothing more out of life except to work hard and pay the rent here.
Ask for referendums, see? There he goes! He ran right over my shoe! He's gone under the stove, Edith! All right, keep him in there, and I'll get the broom and kill him with the broom.
No, not the broom! I gotta kill him, Edith! I guess little Marvin got away.
I wouldn't be surprised, Edith.
What the hell kind of housekeeping is that? How come a broom is propping up a shelf with junk? Because you put it there when I asked you-- Never mind, never mind, never mind.
I've got something important to do.
I'm gonna run over there to Barney Hefner's.
He's got one of them big traps with a spring and steel jaws, It comes down and cut the head right off.
And if it misses the head, it'll mash the rest of him anyhow.
Archie, I don't want little Marvin to die like that.
How the hell do you want him to die? In your arms? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'm coming! Oh, Marvin, you better hide good.
Archie's going out and getting you a trap that'll smash you.
Oh, hi.
Hi, how do you do? Do you have a room for rent? Yeah.
Come on in.
Don't I know you? Oh, you're the lady that's the admittance girl at the hospital.
Yes, I'm Teresa Betancourt.
You're Mrs.
Bonkers! Yeah.
But you can call me Edith.
Come on, sit down.
Thank you.
I was the one who checked your husband in for his gall bladder operation.
That's right.
Oh, everybody was so nice to us.
And all the nurses used to say two prayers a day for Mr.
Bonkers.
Wasn't that lovely of them? Two prayers.
Yes, one to get well, and one to go home.
I only just need the room for about a month while I take my X-Ray technician examination.
And this is so close to the hospital, and besides, it'll keep me away from a man who hates me.
Oh, my, who could hate you? My boyfriend, who loves me.
How can he hate you if he loves you? I don't know.
I do this to men all the time.
They hate me and love me like hell.
Any time I talk to a man, Hector starts screaming! Worse than your husband screaming in the hospital.
What is your husband gonna scream when he finds out you have a Puerto Rican in the house? Oh, don't worry about Archie.
His bark is worse than his bite.
I don't worry about his bark, but one bite and I bite him back.
How much is the room? A hundred dollars a month.
Is that all right? Oh, yes.
Can I pay you an extra $25 a month so I can have breakfast? I was gonna give you breakfast anyway.
You can't go to work on an empty stomach.
Oh, you so nice, but no, no, no.
I want to pay.
Okay, here you go.
Oh, thank you.
I hope you're gonna like it here.
Oh, Mrs.
Bonkers, this house is a palace.
Really? To me it is.
Oh, well there's a new bed upstairs.
Mike and Gloria broke the other one.
And the mattress is the same kind that Joey Heatherton jumps on on TV.
No! Come on, I'll show it to you.
ARCHIE: Hey, Edith! Edith, I'm home.
Wait till you see what I got here from Barney.
This is what we should've had in the first place.
You see that? That! That'd snap the head off of a big dog.
That's awful.
What do you mean awful? This is terrific, here.
This is Teresa Betancourt.
How do you do? It's a "pressure" to see you again, Mr.
Bonkers.
Ohh! Uh Are you the Puerto Rican girl from the hospital that told me "chut up"? What's she doing here? She's gonna be our new boarder.
Oh, no, no, she ain't gonna be that, Edith.
No, no, she can't be, 'cause I already promised the room to somebody else.
Archie.
You remember me tellin' ya about the guy down at work that wanted the room? No, you never told me.
Well, I told you, even if you forgot-- It's true, Edith.
It's true there, sis, I swear to God.
[MOUSE TRAP SNAPS SHUT.]
Ow, jeez! [SCREAMS.]
[LATIN MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY FROM UPSTAIRS.]
Oh, sheesh Always with the Puerto Rican music.
I had to tell her yesterday to turn it off, put on something American-- she wouldn't do it.
Oh, yes, she did.
She put on rock and roll.
Now, what the hell is American about that-- "Bluebird of happiness flies up your nose.
" Daddy, I like rock and roll music, and I like Teresa's music too.
What's the matter with you tonight? Now, why don't you eat your dinner? It's delicious! Listen, when I eat a dinner it's delicious.
But when I don't eat a dinner, that's a signal to the whole world that it ain't delicious.
And will you please don't take no more Puerto Rican cooking lessons from Teresa there? I think it's very good.
It's called pescado.
Ah, pescad.
I call it fish, and I hate it.
You haven't even tried it yet.
How am I gonna try something that's lookin' up at me with two burled eyes there? The fish isn't looking at you.
No more, now that I covered his head there with the au gratin potatoes.
[GLORIA SINGS ALONG.]
[TRILLING TONGUE.]
Cut that out, you! Remember where you was raised! [SIGHS.]
I'm sorry.
I forget the rules.
Yeah.
No singing in the kitchen, no whistling in the bathroom, no playing the guitar in the bedroom-- no happiness anywhere in this house.
I ain't got nothi'' against happiness in the house.
All I ask is you don't show it.
Mr.
Bonkers, don't worry.
From now on, you won't hear me "brith.
" Oh, listen to this.
"Brith.
Brith.
" Jeez.
When did you ever hear an English word, "brith"? Yeah, B'nai B'rith.
Ahh! Muchas gracias for the water softener, Mrs.
Bunker.
Oh, you're welcome.
I mean, de nada.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
You're so cute! How'd the bra come out? Fine.
Mira, perfecto.
Don't be wavi'' them cupcakes over the table! And the pantyhose Aww! is nice and soft too! The pantyhose! I hate the sight of them things! You got a boyfriend who's out to get you, huh? You just show him them things, he'll never come near you again! Are you kidding? Men go crazy when they see these things.
Stop that! Stop that! M-I-C K-E-Y TOGETHER: M-O-U-S-E Hey! Will you remember you are at the table? Take that off your head.
All right, now, let's have no more talk or anything about underwear.
Can you take it all away there, Teresa? Have some coffee like a nice girl.
In a minute, Papi.
See that? She's calling me Papi the whole week long.
Why don't you help the girl, correct her English? That ain't a good English word there, Teresa.
See, I ain't your papi.
I'm her papi there.
That's what we call all the cute old men, Papi.
See, now, that's disrespect there.
Archie, she's just trying to be nice to ya.
Well, "cute" is nice, but "old" is disrespect, and I expect as much respect from this girl as I do from my own daughter there.
What the hell's the use in talkin', huh? Oh, Archie, just try to be nice to Teresa.
I am nice to everybody, Edith.
Yeah, but you're a lot nicer to people who aren't Puerto Rican.
Oh, now, listen, get off of that there, little girl, 'cause I'm one guy who ain't prejudiced against anybody who may be less superior than me.
To tell you the truth, I'm a little worried about this girl.
She's got a jealous boyfriend who's coming after her there.
And you know how them Puerto Rican people are when they get mad? [WHISTLING.]
[WHISTLING.]
No, how are them Puerto Rican people when they get mad? Well, if they happen to be holding one of these at the time, you could get yourself an amateur nose job.
And you say you're not prejudiced, using that stupid old stereotype about all Puerto Ricans carrying knives? If you'd-a let me finished, I woulda said that it ain't them people's fault.
Whose fault is it? It is the fault, little girl, of society.
Society, see? You'd know that if you was watchi'' some of the higher-class TV murder dramas there.
Them people are poor, see? That's why your Puerto Ricans have knives.
They ain't like your regular Americans who can afford a gun.
Don't be doin' that to me with them teeth I paid for.
I'm gettin' outta here.
Ma, thanks a lot for the pescado.
Oh, de nada.
And, Daddy, if you're not gonna eat that, can I take it home to Michael? Just the eyes.
The rest of it we're gonna feed to Marvin, see if a bone gets stuck in his throat.
Thanks, Papi.
Aw, cut that out! [SINGING LATIN MUSIC.]
Hey, Daddy, Teresa's only gonna be here three more weeks, so could you please be nice to her? [SINGING LATIN MUSIC.]
Get outta here! I'm not gonna be nice to nobody! I'm the head of this house.
I bring home the bacon here.
Teresa don't like it, she can go home and cut bananas.
Mr.
Bonkers, I don't want to complain, but there is a rat in my room.
That ain't a rat, Teresa, that's-- that's only a little mouse there.
He won't be around long.
Just as soon as he sticks his moosh in that trap there, he's finished, see.
But, look, if you're scared, I'll go up there before you go to bed, I'll get him outta your room.
In the meantime, where do I study? What, do ya gotta study somethin'? Oh, I have to pass a test tomorrow.
Well, you can study down here.
The Meathead always done that.
The Meathead went through college in this room.
Thank you.
Sure! Sit down anywhere you like, there.
I'll just read my paper here.
You won't hear a sound outta me.
[EXAGGERATED STOMACH RUMBLING.]
[EXAGGERATED STOMACH RUMBLING.]
[EXAGGERATED STOMACH RUMBLING.]
[BELCHES.]
That ain't my fault, Teresa.
I ain't got nothi'' to do with that.
See, that's what you call hungry gas.
The reason I got the hungry gas, I didn't have no dinner, and you know the reason I didn't have no dinner.
You didn't like your pescado? Well, I like seafood, but I can't stand eatin' nothin' that's watchin' me while I'm eatin' it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna make you something wonderful tomorrow.
I'm gonna make you some octopus.
Well, uh, I don't want to eat nothin' that looks like it's gonna start huggin' me, neither.
Archie, your movie's on! The Frog that Ate Tokyo.
Whoa-ho-ho! Let me get this on here.
Oh, this is some moving picture, here.
Wait'll you see this here, Teresa.
Here it is, here it is.
See there's the frog.
He's just comi'' into Tokyo, now.
See that? Now he's eatin' all the buildings, there.
Go, frog, go! Pay 'em back for Pearl Harbor! Go! Go! See that there? Hey, look, that's a smart trick.
He takes the trolley car, turns it upside-down, he shakes all the Japs out, see? And he eats 'em, like bugs.
Sayonara, Japs! Go, frog, go! Go! Mr.
Bonkers, could you turn down the sound, please? You can't do that.
You can't enjoy it unless you hear the victims screamin', there.
I don't mean the sounds from the TV.
I mean the sounds from you.
Oh, don't pay no attention to me.
I always holler at the monster pictures there, particularly this frog picture.
I seen it four or five times.
But the frog can't hear what you say -- it's a fake frog.
It's a fake lamp post, it's a fake building, it's a fake movie.
Well, sure it's fake.
Everybody knows that.
All movies are fake.
But this is very exciting.
This is a wonderful picture.
I call that a great picture.
It stinks.
It stinks.
It stinks! Teresa, you just said a very stupid thing there three times.
And don't use that word stinks.
That ain't a nice English word.
You never hear me use words like that, see.
And stinks? No, this picture don't-- I ain't sayin' it's a great acting picture there, that ain't a Duke Wayne picture.
But what you gotta think of is the terrific technical geniuses that turn the whole of downtown Tokyo into a meal for a frog.
It still stinks.
Now, don't say that word no more! That ain't a nice word! It don't stink.
That's a great picture, there.
That's one of the greatest pictures ever made.
If I was the Japs, I'd give that picture the Jap Academy "Reward"! If you think that that picture deserves a Japanese Academy "Reward," then you got no taste! I got no what? What's the matter? Don't you "espeak" English? No taste! Edith! Edith, come in here! This is important, Edith! Get in here right away! What's the matter? Edith, you know what this girl just said to me? You wouldn't believe this.
Now, what is about the worst thing anybody could say to me? You're fat? No, that ain't it! She said I ain't got no taste! No taste! How d'ya like that? To say that to a man with a color TV and a 5-year subscription to the Reader's Digest.
No taste! Well, you've just spoiled my whole evening, here.
Well, you "espoiled" my "estudy" time.
Well, you "espoiled" my frog picture, there.
You making fun of my English? Everybody makes fun of your English.
That does it! [SHOUTING ANGRILY IN SPANISH.]
Hey, Teresa, I think I'd better make believe I didn't understand none of that.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, I'll get it.
No, no, get away from there, now.
I told you not to do that at night anymore, openin' the door the way you do.
Ain't you afraid a Boston Strangler could jump in on you? No.
This is New York.
Stand back over there.
Let me open the door, huh? Oh, jeez! You know who that is out there? The Boston Strangler? No, no.
It's her Puerto Rican boyfriend.
She don't wanna see him.
Don't open it.
I gotta open it.
With his pointy shoes, he'll kick holes in it.
Well, what do you want? Teresa [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Well, she-- She ain't here.
No, she's gone-o.
Ain't home-o, you know? Yeah, but Teresa ain't here.
She went over to Jersey, there.
There's bullfights in Hoboken.
TERESA: Who's that in there? [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
No, no, wait.
You can't come in! Hey! [EXCITED SHOUTING.]
Well, the man walked in here! He's gonna come into the house, what am I gonna do? What am I supposed to do? [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Archie, are you all right? I'm fine, I'm fine.
Better be glad I didn't eat dinner-- I'd pescado all over my chair, here.
Oh, you shouldn't have hit Archie.
Well, he shouldn't have hit my brother.
Your brother? This guy's your brother, here? Yeah.
Well, how the hell was I supposed to know that? I mean, lookin' at him standin' there Oh, no, no, no.
You're not gonna tell me we all look alike.
I didn't say that, but you certainly all sound alike.
We thought he was your boyfriend.
Archie was trying to protect you.
Ah [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
You take care of Luis, and I take care of Mr.
Bonkers.
Yeah, sure.
I'm sorry.
Here, sit down.
Ay, gracias.
I'm Mrs.
Bonkers uh, Bunkers Bunker! You all right, Mr.
Bonkers? One.
Only one.
Can't you erase the "S" off of that thing? "Boonker.
" "Boonker.
" Perfect.
[GROANS SOFTLY.]
I-I'm sorry I punched you.
I-I can't believe that you tried to save my life.
Nahthink nothin' of it.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That is the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for me.
Well, don't mention it.
I mean, it's nothin', it's nothin'.
Muchas gracias, Papi.
Oh, de nada, there, de nada, there.
[MOUSE TRAP SNAPS SHUT.]
Aw, jeez, we got you, Marvin, this time! Maybe I can't get rid of her, but we sure got rid of you.
Nothin'.
Well maybe I'm gonna have to get used to the both of youse.
All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.