Curb Your Enthusiasm s07e09 Episode Script

Uh-huh.
- Unbelievable, right? - Is this insane? - Larry, it's exactly the same.
- Exactly the same.
- Yeah, crazy.
- I mean, my gosh.
It's like going back in time or never leaving the past or something.
- Right? - Yes.
- It is.
- Yeah.
So you and Cheryl are back together or what's happening there? No no, it's strictly professional.
Oh, wow.
I had no, you know, idea that she was an actress.
- Yeah, she acts.
- Yeah, it's great.
What has she done? You know, I don't know.
- She's done some stuff.
I'm not sure - Oh, really? Yeah.
I don't know exactly.
- We should get started.
- Okay, yeah, let's do it.
Hey, Larry.
I want you to meet my daughter, Emma.
- Say hi to Larry.
- Hi, Larry.
- Hi.
- I'm Emma.
- Hi, Emma.
Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
How come you don't have red hair like your mom? My daddy's blond.
- Do you want to give him a hug? - Yeah, sure.
- She's been dying to meet you.
- Oh, wow, really? - Okay.
- All right, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Go get something to eat, okay, sweetie? - I'll see you in a minute.
- What a sweetheart.
She's great.
Thank you.
That was really sweet of you.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Okay.
We should get this thing going soon, huh? I might be a few minutes late getting back from lunch.
I have to take Emma to the doctor.
- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.
- Is she okay? - Yeah, she just has a rash on her pussy.
I'm going to get the table read started, okay? Good luck.
Hey.
Look at you.
This is very strong.
This is good stuff.
- Oh, yeah.
You like it? - You done very good.
- I'm thrilled, thrilled.
- And the stuff with - what are you calling her, Cheryl? - No.
- Is that the character's name, Cheryl? - No, Amanda.
- Oh, Amanda.
- Yeah.
I got confused because on the chair it says "Cheryl David.
" Yeah, well, it says "Jason Alexander," it doesn't say "George Costanza.
" I understand, yeah.
I'm just surprised.
I didn't I didn't realize Cheryl was was gonna do the role.
Well, I don't know.
She auditioned.
- Did she really? - Yes, she did.
- I wish I had seen that.
- And she was the best.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, that's good.
Who was the next best? - Don't know.
- Really? - Don't remember.
- I thought we were going to stay in dialogue on that.
I would have stayed in dialogue had you called me to dialogue.
- I was supposed to? - I was supposed to call? Well, it's your you're the executive producer.
- I mean, I'm just the - I'm the executive producer - I'm just a minion.
- Right, and generally, the executive producer doesn't call the "minion.
" The minion would call the executive producer.
- I made a mistake.
- You reversed it.
- I did.
Look what I did.
- Look what you did.
Well, fortunately, it all worked out for the best.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- All right.
- Let's let's light this rocket.
- Okay.
- All right, let's send it up.
Oh, speaking of which, do you have a pen or a pencil? I want to just take a few notes during.
- Yeah.
- Ooh, very nice.
Look at this.
Look at you.
- You return it.
- No, I'm going to keep it.
Of course I'm going to return it.
- God.
- What's the matter? Well, I just got a call from my doctor and he thinks that I might have Groat's disease.
So I don't know how I can be funny.
Hey, you know what? Don't worry about it.
Honest to God.
I know this accountant Danny Duberstein.
He had Groat's disease and he's completely fine.
- You're not just saying this? - I'm not just - 'Cause I don't - You know what? I'll have him call you about that.
- It's hard to concentrate.
- I understand.
Listen, you're going to be fine.
- I'll have Duberstein call you.
- All right, great.
- Okay? - Good, all right.
LD, big day.
What are you doing here? - I'm here for support.
- I don't need support.
This is it's not a social event, this thing.
You know, you can't just show up like that.
What are you so upset about? You're not a you're not allowed to be here.
The only people from the show are supposed to be here.
You know, if Jerry sees you, he's going to throw you you know, he's not going to want you here.
- Why don't you ask him? - I don't need to ask him.
Ask him.
If he tells me to go, I'll go.
- Hey.
- Um this friend of mine showed up.
I didn't invite him.
I just he shouldn't be here.
- I don't care.
Doesn't bother me.
- But he's not supp we don't let outsiders in for a read-through.
He's not supposed to be here.
He's a friend of yours, right? - Well, yeah.
- Yeah, so? But I didn't invite him and we have a policy.
- What kind of policy? - Yeah, we have a policy.
- I never saw a policy.
- It's an unwritten policy.
- Oh, the unwritten policy.
- Yeah.
- I don't want to stand in the way.
- No, stand in the way.
- I want you to stand in the way.
- No, I couldn't.
- Stand in the way.
- I would feel horrible.
No, don't.
- Jerry, Marty Funkhouser.
- Hey, Marty.
How you doing? - How you doing? - Good.
- Want to hear a joke? - No, not really.
He doesn't want to hear.
We have a read-through.
- Yeah - Let me just get right through it.
- Okay.
- A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening.
- What is she afraid of? - The size of her opening.
So she goes to her mother.
She says, "What am I going to do? I'm so big down there.
When I marry Harry, he's going to divorce me.
" Her mother says, "Don't worry, sweetheart, it runs in the family.
Do what I did when I married your father.
Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there.
He'll never know the difference.
" - Oh my God.
- So she does.
They have eight hours of sex after their marriage.
She wakes up at 10:00.
He's gone, but there's a note on her pillow.
It says, "My darling Harriet, to think that I waited a year to consummate our relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up.
The only reason I'm not here now, darling, is I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence.
We'll have dogs and children.
" - This is not so bad.
- Yeah, this is great.
Will you finish the fucking joke already? "When the 5:00 dinner bell rings, I will be home like the winged gossamer of love in your arms.
Your loving husband, Harry.
" - Aw, that's nice.
- "P.
S.
, your cunt is in the sink.
" You told your joke.
Let's go.
- How good is that? - It surprised me.
- It's great.
- I had no idea it would be that revolting.
Ladies and gentlemen, please hold the work.
Let's take our places for the table read.
Okay, let's sit at the table.
Go sit in the bleachers.
- Great meeting you.
- Yeah, nice meeting you too.
- Big fan.
- Thank you, thank you.
I like that guy.
He's crazy.
Hey.
- I'm so nervous.
- What? Don't worry.
You're going to be great.
It's nothing.
Come on.
Look how many people are here.
Just just do it.
You got it.
Okay.
Okay, folks, please settle in.
We're looking at "Seinfeld: The Reunion," written by Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld.
Yeah, give it up.
Scene A opens in Jerry's apartment.
Jerry and George.
- It's unwritten etiquette, George.
- Who says so? No one knows.
That's why it's unwritten.
You don't blow your nose in a cloth napkin in a restaurant.
Why? They wash it.
It's just not done in polite society.
It's not done in impolite society.
Even the impolite don't do it.
- The other day you sneezed in a napkin.
- That's different.
- Why? - A sneeze is involuntary.
You have 2.
5 seconds before the bomb goes off.
Well, I live by my rules, not your rules.
- You would do this in front of your wife? - All the time.
I can't figure out why she left you.
Buzz.
- It's me.
- Oop.
Kramer enters holding a newspaper.
Hey, George, did you see this? It's an article about Bernie Madoff.
- Kramer, l - No, look at this.
They got the floor plan of all his offices.
- Here's where he was.
- Kramer, he he doesn't No, you couldn't get to him.
It was a Ponzi scheme.
Do I need this? I know what happened.
All right, so you lost a couple of million.
It was more than a couple.
Well, it was more than a great idea.
An iPhone application that leads you via your GPS to the nearest acceptable toilet wherever you are in the world.
The iToilet.
And I thought of it.
Why'd you have to give that crook Madoff all of it? - I don't know.
- How could you be so stupid?! All of it, Jerry.
- All of it.
- Elaine enters.
Madoff? Scene B, we're in Jerry's apartment.
It's later.
Jerry, Elaine and Kramer.
Jerr, can you do me a favor and babysit tonight? Oh, I don't think so.
- Hey, why don't you ask me? - Um I figured you were busy.
No, I'm good with kids.
I don't condescend to them.
I get right down to their level.
- Right down.
- You don't say.
Oh, I do say.
Jerry, hey, did you give Isabel's doll a haircut? - The Judy doll? - Yes, Judy.
- A little trim.
- Well, now you got to find a new Judy.
Children need consistency.
I can make that happen.
I think Uncle Jerry should do it, which is what she's calling you, by the way.
- I'm not sure how I feel about that.
- Why? Well, because I donated the sperm.
I offered.
I would have bought you a new house.
That's easy to say now after you lost everything.
- I was planning on it.
- Ah, you're full of crap.
Hey, Jerry, this economy is really hitting me.
It's all dried up out there.
It's dry, Jerry, dry as a bone.
You weren't working in the good economy.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
Okay, please go to scene H.
It's in the coffee shop.
This is day 4.
George, Amanda.
I've been dreading having to tell you about the whole Madoff thing.
- Oh, well.
- You must hate me for losing our money like that.
We're we're wiped out.
Actually, I'm fine, George.
- Fine? - Yeah, I took my half out of Madoff right after we got divorced.
- You what? - Yeah, I still have my half.
W-why did you take it out? I bumped into Madoff on the street one day and he was wearing this quilted jacket with the collar up, and for some reason it creeped me out.
So the next day, I pulled all my money out.
Turns out I did quite well by him.
Collar up? Creeped you out? That's my money! You have my money! Not according to the laws of the state of New York.
- What's wrong? - What's wrong? What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong.
She asked me to sign a prenup.
So in case it doesn't work out, you won't be able to get to the money that was yours to begin with? Well, that's another Ponzi scheme.
So, George, are you marrying her for your money? No.
No.
And it's none of your business, Elaine.
George takes out a napkin and brings it to his nose.
- No! - As they reach for George, the shot freezes and we fade out.
- Yay.
- Very nice.
Nice! Please take five.
We're in Jerry's apartment in five.
- Great great.
Really great.
- Yeah.
The way it was right there.
- What did you think? - Oh, I loved it.
- It was fantastic.
- I'm glad you were here to see it.
- Well, have fun.
I will talk to you later.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
So let's go over some stuff in the office, a couple little spots? - Sure.
- Okay.
Eh, you know what? Great.
- Really great.
Really great.
- Really? Yeah.
Thank you very much, by the way.
I appreciate the loan of your pen.
You know what? You keep it.
I don't want the pen.
Yeah.
No, you you keep it.
I don't want the pen.
I just needed to borrow it for a couple of minutes.
- No, I-I don't want it.
- What's wrong with the pen? I was watching you during the read-through.
The pen was in your mouth, the pen was in your ear In my ear? What are you talking about? It was in every orifice of your body.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
I had the pen up my ass while doing the read-through? - Except for the ass.
- It's been tainted? - It's been tainted, exactly.
- I see, I see.
- What can I do for you? - I'll tell you what you can do.
I'm here to serve you.
What can I do? Why don't you get me a new pen? That would be nice.
That's the fair thing to do, the nice thing to do, the right thing to do.
- Will you do that for me? - For you, anything.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
Wow, this place is packed.
- Monsieur David! - Hello.
- Wonderful to see you.
- Good to see you.
Two for lunch? Oui? Just follow me.
I have for you here the best waiter in the house.
Thank you.
- You will have a lovely meal.
- Thank you.
- Bon appétit.
- Thank you very much.
- Absolutely.
- Okay.
Best waiter? A table right away? What the hell's going on? - I greased him.
- How much did you give him? - 20 bucks.
- 20 bucks.
I give it to him all the time.
Same thing every time.
What's this? - Well, this is kind of odd.
- What? Stacy's daughter just sent me a text.
"Got your info from my mom.
Nice meeting you.
Did you have fun at the table read?" You've got a new little pen pal.
I guess I have to answer her.
She asked me a question, right? You don't have to.
It's a little kid.
Just say, "Hey, went great, thanks.
" "Went great, thanks.
" You know, I'm going to Oh, Michael is very concerned that he has Groat's disease.
He thinks he might have Groat's disease? Yeah, and I told him that I'd hook him up with Funkhouser's friend Danny Duberstein.
- Yeah, Danny Duberstein.
- You know how to get in touch with him? Nobody can get in touch with him.
He died like two months ago.
Duberstein died? Mm-hmm, of Groat's disease.
Jesus.
What the hell am I going to tell Michael? I don't know.
What did you think of that Kramer thing with the latch for the toilet, the iToilet? - Was that funny? - Well I don't remember if that worked or not.
What about Julia and the kid with the present? It kind of worked.
No? Did you hear any of the jokes? Where was your mind at? I loaned Jason my pen and I got very distracted because he kept taking the pen first he was scratching his back with it.
Scratching a back is no big deal.
Well, then putting it in his mouth, then his ear - Now you're talking about - The whole thing was disgusting.
You don't loan Jason anything, anything that can be inserted.
Anyway, I'm sorry, but I got I got a little distracted, so I wasn't on every joke.
You know, I like to keep my pens in a Barbicide.
- That blue liquid that the barbers have? - In the barber shop.
I haven't really figured out what Barbicide was.
- They kill themselves with it.
- Is that where they can't take being a barber anymore and they just down that blue liquid and that's it, they commit Barbicide? - It's unbelievable.
- What? Stacy's daughter Emma.
Did you meet her? Yeah yeah, that cute girl.
She's so cute.
- She's texting me.
She started texting me.
- Oh, that's cute.
- She texted me yesterday, okay? - Aw, she likes you.
Come on, who needs this? She's getting on my nerves.
How do I end this thing? This is never going to end.
No, it will never end.
That's why I don't have one.
Once you have it, the door's open.
Somebody knocks on your door, you have to answer it.
- Great.
- Now you have a new friend, a nine-year-old friend.
- Really? - Yeah.
Larry Oh hi, Jerry.
Listen, I really think we're going to need a fourth camera for the exteriors.
Is that okay with you? Does that sound good? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
Okay, I'll get right on it.
You know, Emma's been texting me.
- I know! - She's so cute.
- I know, it's cute! - So cute, yeah.
How'd that happen? Was that her idea, your idea? Yeah, it was her idea.
I mean, yeah.
Then you guys met at the table read and I gave her your number - You gave her the number? - Mm-hmm.
You know, when you're a kid and you like can relate to a grown-up, - it's a really exciting - It's such a big deal.
- It is cute.
- Someone to communicate with.
Maybe you should give her Jerry's.
Maybe if she meets Jerry, but she really bonded with you.
Yeah, she seemed to respond to you.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- It just takes a second.
- Hmm.
- Cool.
All right.
- All right.
- How's her how's her pussy, by the way? It's good, actually.
It's not as itchy.
- So thank you for asking.
- Oh, cool.
Yeah, all right, I'm going to get on the camera thing.
All right.
Come on, let's do some work here.
Let's look at oh, forgot to tell her we cut the restaurant scene.
- All right.
- I'll follow you.
- Okay, so I'll go to the fridge on this.
- Yeah yeah.
- I'm not ready, Elaine.
- Come on, Jerry, you have to.
We had a deal.
When you came to me, you said, "I need a donation.
" And I gave, and that was hard work.
So what are you going to be, Uncle Jerry your whole life? I just think it would be nice if she knew who her father was.
Clark Kent didn't know who his father was till he was 16 and he turned out pretty good.
Jerry, his planet was destroyed.
I think I continue.
He was fortunate to discover the crystals in the Fortress of Solitude.
Isabel's not going to have any of those crystals.
You know about the crystals? Of course I know about the crystals.
Door.
- Hello, Newman.
- Hello, Jerry.
I wonder if you would tell your friend George that on my route I had occasion to use one of his so-called iToilets.
- I found it anything but acceptable.
- Oh, really? Well, I'm afraid in that particular scenario my sympathies Now I'm going to close the door on you.
- How am I going to do that? - I'll get out.
- Do it.
I want to hear that line.
- Okay.
- Ok - I'm watching the show from here.
All right, you watch the show.
We'll do it for you, okay? - Action.
- I found it anything but acceptable.
Oh, really? Well, I'm afraid in that particular scenario, my sympathies lie only with the toilet.
Good day.
- Are you Kramer? - No.
Oh, hey, Kramer - Are you Monena? - Mm-hmm.
I'm going to the ballgame.
I take Monena with me, I can use the carpool lane.
I see.
Should she come in more? Well, I think you you're a hooker.
You should just go in and make yourself at home.
- Okay, take charge.
- And I could follow her.
- Right, you follow her in.
- Are you good? Okay, guys, take five.
That's a tight five.
We're back in Jerry's apartment.
Hey, Larry, did you call Duberstein? Oh, um - well, I left a message - Yeah? and, you know, I'm just waiting for him to call me back.
How long ago did you leave the message? - Yesterday.
- Yesterday? - Yeah.
- I don't want to push you on this, but I can hardly think out here.
You know what the doctor said to me? I'm supposed to stand by for the symptoms.
Am I going to stand by in front of the camera with the symptoms? - I understand.
I'll - So you going to call him? - Yes.
- Okay.
Hi.
- Hey.
- Yeah, you guys Oh, good.
I, um I'm having a bit of a problem just trying to find a tone.
They have a cadence.
Like, "Yeah, I still have my half.
" You don't need a cadence.
Just be yourself.
You're doing great.
Don't feel the Seinfeldian pressure.
I don't want you to sound like them.
I want you to sound like you.
I wrote it for you.
- Thank you.
- You're doing great.
I feel like you're my only - you know you're on my side.
- Yeah.
- You know what I mean? - I am on your side.
- Good morning.
Good morning.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hi, how are you? - Don't mean to interrupt.
- No, go ahead.
We'll talk later.
- Hope I didn't - No no, it's okay.
- Okay.
Good morning.
- Hey.
- Mission accomplished.
- What is this? - A pen.
- Yes, it is a pen.
- You're right about that.
- Yes, I am, sir.
It's not the pen I gave you.
This is not replacing the pen.
This is just giving me another pen.
You didn't say, "Get the same pen.
" You said, "You need to replace the pen.
" It's not an eye for a lesser eye, okay? It's an eye for an eye, not an eye that doesn't see very well.
Using your metaphor, no no.
They both see exactly the same.
That pen that I have in my possession - writes in blue ink.
- Uh-huh.
This pen writes in blue ink exactly the same.
It's the same eye.
This pen is almost blind compared to my pen.
No, believe me.
It sees the truth.
It's not the pen I gave you.
You asked me to replace the pen.
- You didn't replace the pen.
- I replaced it.
- You didn't replace it.
- You got a pen.
- No replacement.
- That's your pen.
I'm going to get a coffee.
Anyway, I screwed the whole thing up.
Michael thinks that Duberstein beat Groat's and he's expecting to meet him, and Duberstein's dead and I was thinking - Fucking say it.
- Oh, Jesus.
- What the fuck you thinking about? - Well, I had an insane idea that you could present yourself as Duberstein somehow and get just meet him for two minutes.
And I'd be there too, so you wouldn't even have to talk.
What, you think I can't do this shit, huh? I'll white that shit up.
I'll white that whole shit up.
That whole fucking scene will be whitened the fuck up.
Seriously? You've seen a fucking black dude who acts fucking white.
- He around too many white people.
- You can be that guy? - I'll do this shit.
- Let me hear it.
"How are you doing today? I'm Danny Duberstein.
I heard you have Groat's disease.
" See that shit? Well, what about the name? Duberstein? - It's a Jewish name.
- Fuck it.
- Tell him I'm a Ethiopian Jew.
- You know what? You could tell him you were adopted by the Jewish family the Dubersteins.
- I was fucking adopted - You got bar mitzvahed.
"Bar mitzfit" and all that shit, yeah.
- Say that again? - "Bar mitzfit.
" - It's not "bar mitzfit.
" - "Bar mitzfit.
" - Bar mitzvahed.
- "Bar mitzfit.
" "Vahed"! Bar mitzvahed.
If we're gonna do this, you'd better learn how to pronounce this.
"Bar mitzfit.
" - Yeah.
- Oh, Christ.
Another text from her.
Can you believe it? I got this nine-year-old, and she keeps texting me.
"Is Jerry as funny in real life as on TV?" Unbelievable.
"Yes, Jerry is very funny.
" I'm telling you, it never ends with her.
All right, I'm going to get this.
What are you doing? You going to get that? Oh yeah, oh yeah.
Monsieur David.
How are you? - Great.
- Wonderful to see you.
- À bientôt.
- Okay.
Oh my God! - Yeah.
- Hey! What?! - What happened? - He took he took my $20.
Are you kidding? He took your fucking money out your hand? What did he think? I was tipping him? Is he insane? "Do you watch 'Wizards of Waverly Place"'? All right, that's it.
That's it.
"No, I don't watch 'Wizards of Waverly Place.
"' Why would you do that, Larry? - What? - What were you thinking? - Wh-what are you talking about? - Why did you yell at Emma? - Yell? I didn't yell at Emma.
- Yes, you did.
You texted her with all caps and a lot of exclamations points.
- No no, that's not yelling.
- Yes, it is! No, I was being emphatic.
I wasn't yelling.
What were you thinking? I was thinking maybe I can get her to stop texting me.
Larry, I need you to make this right, okay? Okay, I'll make it right.
- Great.
- All right, okay.
We're going to lunch at 1:00.
I want you to be there, pretend like it was your idea, okay? I think it would be really nice if you took her out to lunch.
- You'll bring her a little present.
- We have to go to lunch? - Yeah, 1:00 lunch, okay? - Couldn't we have a little snack upstairs? - Some milk and cookies or something? - Thank you, I appreciate it.
Monsieur David, how many with you for lunch? - Three.
- Right this way.
You look wonderful.
Very fit.
- Are you on a regime? - Oh no, I just kind of watch it, you know.
Always wonderful.
Bon appétit.
Thank you, thank you.
- Have a good meal.
- Okay.
And, um, I hope you enjoy everything.
If you need anything, call me.
Monsieur David are you unhappy with the table? Okay, I see your problem here.
Yesterday at the newsstand, you took $20 out of my hand.
Mais non, you gave it to me.
- Gave it to you? - Oui.
Why Why would I give you $20? I assumed it for the other day the wonderful service, the dinner.
I already paid you for that service.
Well, what were you giving it to me for? - I wasn't giving it to you.
- Why else would I have it? What was the $20 doing in my hand? - You think I was waiting for you to come? - I-I have no idea.
Because I was using it to pay for a magazine.
Can't you understand that? That money that you took out of my hands is the money that I would have put into your hands right now if not for the fact that you took it, so let's consider us even.
I gave you $20 yesterday and you're not getting another penny out of me, okay? Fine.
Bon appétit.
Oh, hey.
Hi.
- Hello, Larry.
- Hi.
Okay, first of all I just want to apologize for the for the text I sent you with all the capital letters, the bad bad caps.
- You don't seem sorry.
- Well, I said I was sorry.
Just because you say it doesn't mean you mean it.
Maybe we should get something to eat.
Excuse me, can we get some menus? Larry, do you remember when you were a little boy? - No.
- If you can remember.
- No, I don't.
- You probably don't.
Hey, excuse me.
Excuse me.
S-sir? Obviously they're ignoring me on purpose.
- Well, I can't imagine why.
- I know why.
- Really? - Yeah, I know why.
Why? Excuse me, could you please get us some menus over here? This little girl, she's got an appointment with the doctor.
She's got a rash on her pussy.
She needs to get out of here.
Oh my God.
Look, I made a mistake.
It's been three years.
Don't hurt me, please.
Oh no no no no.
I'm Danny Duberstein, CPA.
- You're Duberstein? - I'm Danny Duberstein.
Come in, I want to talk to you.
Is Larry here yet? I'm waiting for Larry.
No, I got to talk to you.
This is very important.
Larry said he'd be here at 2:00.
- Stop looking at your watch.
- No, I have to be out of here by 2:00.
Is there anything else that Larry could do? Something that Emma likes? Presents? You know what? I heard somebody wants to be a writer.
- Aw, you remembered! - What do you write with? - A pen! - A pen.
Somebody gave this to me, and I'm giving it to you.
- It's a nice pen.
- It's a beautiful pen.
- Huh? - Yeah, I forgive you.
- Yeah? Oh, yay! - Yay! Give him a hug and some sugar.
Yay, Larry, that was thoughtful.
- Okay.
- Aw.
I love it.
Okay.
So "Duberstein" - that's a Jewish name, right? - Yes, it is.
I was adopted by some lovely Jews.
- And you were bar mitzvahed? - Oh, yeah yeah.
Three times.
The last time was a few months ago in Atlantic City.
But I thought you only got bar mitzvahed once.
You know, when you're 13 years old? - No no no no, you misunderstood.
- What? It's once every 13 years, you know.
You got to recharge the mitzvah, so you always keep your mitzvah kind of full, at capacity.
"Capacitme" Mitzvah capacity.
I don't know.
So tell me about the Groat's.
Well, everything I ate tasted like peaches.
And I forgot how to multiply.
I could subtract, but I couldn't multiply.
If I'm fucking six women three times a day, seven days a week, how many times per week am I fucking? Was it 10? Was it 130? Was it 16? I was tripping out.
That's some weird stuff, man.
Pssh, you're telling me.
Danny Duberstein's good at two things: That's math and fucking.
But how did you beat the Groat's? You know what? This hat.
This hat saved my life.
Tell tell me about the hat.
Look who the fuck shows up.
What happened?! I'm so sorry.
I got held up.
You missed the whole fucking show.
I'm in that fucking room busting my ass for you.
What's with these suits? You look like Farrakhan.
Look, I was trying to fuck this Muslim girl.
I had to join up for a month.
Accountants don't look like this.
This the whitest shit I got right here.
What what happened? What the fuck you think happened in there? I went in that room and whited that shit the fuck up.
I had that fucking dude rolling with me.
I don't know what the fuck a Groat's disease is, but I'm going to tell you one thing: That man in that room that goofy motherfucking man in that room will survive that shit.
- You better believe it.
- And he bought it? Let me tell you how fucking well he bought it.
He's going to give me $200,000 to invest for his ass.
I Danny Dubersteined the fuck out that man in that room.
Fucking viola.
Uh! - You know what I mean? - Good man.
I got a rehearsal.
- Let's go.
- Good job.
Elaine, Clark Kent didn't know who his real father was until he was 16, and I think he turned out okay.
Jerry, his planet was destroyed.
Who are these two right here? That's Jerry Seinfeld and Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Oh, man.
So Jerry tapping that ass, huh? What is it? You never saw the show? You never watched it? - Hello, Newman.
- Hello, Jerry.
Who is this little fat bastard? Now that little motherfucker look funny.
so-called iToilets.
Christ, I'm itching all over.
Hope I didn't catch anything from that Emma.
Don't get that shit on me, man.
- Are you Kramer? - No, actually Hey, are you Monena? You know it.
- What's going on, Kramer? - I'm going to the ballgame.
I take Monena with me, I can use the carpool lane.
Why what the fuck is that hat? It's my hat.
- Yours? - No, it's my lucky hat.
You can't wear that in the scene.
Oh, yes I can.
I must.
What's with the hat? Why's he wearing that hat? That's my hat.
I told him to wear the hat to combat the Groat's.
What did you say to him? I told him, "You take that hat off, you will die.
" That's what I told him.
See you at the house, man.
Nobody remembers a guy with a dinner roll on his head.
They remember Kramer with the hair that goes up.
This is the look I'm going with, so that's it.
I would say, in fact - Oh my God.
- Is this great? What? Again? Why are you here? What I don't understand this.
Why do you keep Jerry told me I could come whenever I want.
- Jerry said that to you? - Yes.
Oh, this is Mrs.
Duberstein.
- This is Larry David.
- Hello.
It is an honor to meet you.
She memorized all the shows.
- She loves "Seinfeld.
" - I am a huge fan.
- Hi.
- Look at this.
Kramer.
- Mrs.
Duberstein? - Yes.
- I'm Michael Richards.
- Hi.
I just saw your husband about 20 minutes ago.
Oh, I think you must be mistaken.
My husband has been dead for two months.
- What? - Groat's disease.
Yeah, it was a long, painful death.
Larry! Larry! Larry! I know I may look clean and dapper right now.
Bet the suit threw you, baby.
- I ain't shittin'.
- Hey, Duberstein! Yeah yeah, I'm talking to you.
What kind of lowlife are you? - What kind of asshole are you? - Whoa whoa whoa.
Okay okay, let's just calm down now.
We're getting ourself all worked up for no reason, baby.
No, don't "baby" me.
Don't calm me down.
I'm so pissed off, I could put this hat up your ass.
- Let's relax here.
- What's this bullshit with the hat? - Put the hat back on your head.
- You made a chump out of me! - No no no no! - If only there were a a horrible name that I could call you that would make you as angry as I am! Wha you ahh! So what seems to be the problem here? - You know, I've got this rash.
- Okay.
First it was on my back, now my neck and my arm.
Now it's on my hands and fingers.
- Yeah, I can see that right there.
- Yeah, look at that.
Do you have any idea how you may have gotten this rash? The only thing I can think of is I've been seeing this nine-year-old girl and she kind of has a rash on her pussy.
Um you know, I took her to lunch the other day and we had a fight and we made up and we hugged, so It must it's got to be her.
One second.
Yeah, that's her now.
- Yeah.
- She's so cute.
We text all the time.
For a while we weren't, but we're back on now, so We'll get you taken care of.
I have another patient to check on.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay, all right.
"Don't tell your mother, but I bought you another pen.
" Call the police.