Family Ties (1982) s07e09 Episode Script

(no voice) I bet we've been together for a million years And I bet we'll be together for a million more Oh, it's like I started breathing On the night we kissed And I can't remember what I ever did before What would we do, baby, without us? What would we do, baby, without us? And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through What would we do, baby, without us? Hi, Dad.
What you doing? Oh, I'm working, Andy.
Making notes on my new documentary.
The Industrialization of Mexico: From Nacho Chip to Microchip.
I wrote that line.
It's a killer, Dad.
Well, this (sighs) Oh, Steven, are you working again, on a Saturday? Honey, I'm just doing a little extra PBS work.
You shouldn't be working on a weekend.
Yeah, even during the week it's debatable.
Dad, you know the doctor said that since your heart attack, you should de-stress your life and try to relax.
Yeah, you need a hobby.
I hate hobbies.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, come on.
Hobbies are terrific, huh? I got a million of 'em.
Where do you find time to fit them into your busy schedule? Okay, I'll be in the kitchen, so please let me know when my friend gets here.
Sure.
What friend is this? Oh, just someone I know from school.
He I mean, he-slash-she is gonna help me bake some stuff for my French Club bake sale.
Wait, he "he-slash-she"? Yes.
This person is a friend, and I don't see how gender enters into it.
Mal, how do I look? Is this a good color for me? Yes, Jennifer.
You're gonna knock his-slash-her eyes out.
Uh, is this one of them half-men, half-women guys you see Jennifer, is this, uh is this friend a boyfriend? Well, maybe.
I don't want to discuss my personal life, though.
He is so sweet, Mallory.
He's shy, he walks me to all my classes.
I'm really not sure if he likes me, but he's been hanging around my locker a lot this past week.
Well, okay.
When he's, uh, talking to you, does he lean against the locker with one hand? Yeah.
Oh, Jennifer, then you're practically engaged! I'm so happy for you! (girls laugh) Oh.
Wait a minute, he's shy, he walks, he can lean on one hand.
That's one way to choose a mate.
It's better than you did.
Better than you did, too.
You might know who he is.
His name is Josh Wakefield.
Wait a minute, Josh Wake Josh Wakefield? Jeff Wakefield's little brother? Or little brother-slash-sister? Great.
Jeff Wakefield.
Who is Jeff Wakefield? Well, it's a boy that, uh, Mallory used to go out with when she was in high school.
Nick, he's the guy who broke my heart.
He went away to college and asked me to go steady.
Then when I went to visit him, I walked into his dorm and found him kissing another girl.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I was devastated.
- Oh.
- I was a complete mess until I met you.
You're wonderful, Nick.
But Jeff Wakefield's a complete jerk.
He's also a good friend of mine.
Well, they're not mutually exclusive.
I'm beginning to like this Jeff guy.
What? Oh, you see, if he'd never broke up with you, you and I never would've gotten together.
(giggles) Damn that Jeff.
Oh, honey, he-he was a nice, shy boy.
Remember, he'd come to the house, he couldn't even bring himself - to knock on the door? - (laughs) Mom, that's not because he was shy.
He was standing out there thinking of ways to dump me.
No, I-I thought he was nice.
He'd come in and call you "pal.
" Remember that goofy, high-pitched laugh he had whenever he got nervous? The deranged little cackle? (cackles) He sounded like Flipper.
Boy, it's getting late.
I hope Josh didn't get lost.
Josh! Hi.
Come on in.
Hey, pal.
Josh, these are my parents.
All of them? (chuckles) (cackles) He doesn't sound like Flipper.
He sounds like Shamu.
Well, Josh, come on.
We better get baking.
Yeah.
Jeff? Okay, this last batch should be done pretty soon.
Now all we have to do is glaze the cinnamon rolls.
Hey.
Hey, Jennifer, you got a little flour on your nose.
Oh, gosh.
Is it gone? No, it's on the side Here, let me, uh Oh.
(laughs) Smudged it, uh - Here.
- Ow! Oh, God! I'm such a jerk, I I poked you in the eye, I Yes, you did, but it was the nicest poke in the eye I've ever received.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Hi.
Jennifer, can I talk to you about something? I think you went a little overboard powdering your nose.
You don't think it's a good look for me? Oh, God, no.
I'll be right back.
I'm gonna freshen up.
Can you stir that for me until I get back? Oh, hey, Mallory.
Spoke to my brother Jeff the other day.
He said to say hi.
(chuckles) As if I care.
Huh? Uh I said, "Oh, have you been to the World's Fair?" Gee, Mal, I could've sworn you said, "As if I" Ow! So, how is Jeff doing? Well, let's see, uh After Jeff graduated summa cum laude in French from Princeton, he landed a job over in Paris.
Vice president of a big French manufacturing company.
Well, I guess Jeff's so busy, he doesn't have time for a social life.
Well, he doesn't really go out much.
Not since he got married.
And Gigi kind of likes to relax when she gets home.
You know, she says it's really tiring being an astrophysicist.
Oh, she says that, huh? In French.
She sounds charming.
Charmant.
I always knew Jeff would wind up with a bookish little girl.
Well, actually, uh, Gigi's quite tall.
She-she used to be a model.
(Alex whistles) Well, she couldn't make it as a model, she had to go and become an astrophysicist.
That's right.
So, how about you, Josh? How you doing? Well, uh, I got into Princeton.
Early admission, just like Jeff.
And I'm gonna major in French, too.
Like Jeff.
(chuckles) Just like Jeff, huh? Yeah.
I plan to follow in his footsteps.
Jeff's kind of my my hero.
Okay, I'm back.
How do I look? - Oh, great.
- Okay.
How's that glaze coming? Great.
Well, it looks like it's done.
Come on, Josh, we better get to the bake sale.
Oh, we got to hurry, because I told Rebecca Philips I was gonna give her a ride, too.
- Oh, okay, great.
Let's go.
- Okay.
See you guys later.
What do you think of that, Alex? He's taking Rebecca Philips to the bake sale, too.
Wow.
We better call the bakery cops and bust his crullers.
Hey, Dad.
Okay, Steven, you can start relaxing right now, because we have the hobby of your dreams.
You remember your favorite childhood toy? We got it for you.
Train set.
Oh, Elyse, a train set.
That's a great idea! Boy, I used to love those freight trains.
Climbing rugged mountains, crossing raging rivers, all of them pulled by that mighty locomotive.
Doesn't look very mighty, does it? Yeah, all right, it's mighty tiny.
But it comes with great accessories for the village, Dad.
Look at this.
A miniature Young Republicans headquarters with cute little miniature Young Republicans running hither and thither.
They're not hithering and thithering in my village.
- Come on.
- Wait, Dad.
- No, no.
- No.
Look-look at the box.
Hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey.
- Where's Jennifer? Uh, still at the bake sale with Josh.
Still? Oh, Mom, when I have kids, the rule is gonna be three, at the most four, hours at a bake sale.
Anything over that, they're grounded.
What has gotten into you? Oh, I don't know, Mom.
Look, the truth is, I don't trust Josh.
Why do you say that? Mom, I care about Jennifer.
Josh worships Jeff.
Josh is gonna do everything Jeff did.
And in my judgment, Josh will jilt Jennifer just as Jeff jilted me.
Gee judging by Jeff, Jen and Josh are really jinxed.
Jell-O? No, thanks.
Honey, history doesn't really have to repeat itself.
You know, Josh and Jen are unique individuals in a unique relationship, which, as far as I can tell, revolves solely around baked goods.
(huffing) Elyse, Alex isn't playing trains fair.
Do I have to separate you two again? Mallory? Huh? Guess what happened.
Josh asked me to the senior prom.
Isn't that incredibly romantic? I don't know, Jen.
What's the matter? This morning, you were so happy for me.
That was before I knew who he was.
Jennifer, I have to tell you: I don't like Josh.
How can you say that? You don't even know him.
I know his type.
Oh, I get it.
You just don't like him because he's Jeff's brother.
That's right.
See, Jeff led me on and dumped me, and Josh is gonna do the same thing to you.
I can't believe you, Mallory.
Why-why are you trying to ruin this for me? Jennifer, I'm telling you this for your own good.
Now, I'm your big sister; I think you ought to listen to me.
You know, I thought you were more than my big sister, Mallory.
I really thought you were my friend.
Excuse me.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, hey, hey-hey-hey.
Girls, how we doing, huh? Jennifer, I'm only trying to look out for you.
Well, maybe I don't want you to look out for me.
Who wants ice cream? Jennifer, I think I know a little bit more about the world than you do.
Oh, the world of culottes, maybe.
Frozen yogurt, Tofutti? I'm flexible here, huh? I can't believe you made a crack like that, Jennifer! Mallory, just because Jeff dumped you Whoa, whoa, whoa, girls, girls, girls, girls! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Jennifer, he is going What the hell is going on here? Mallory doesn't like Josh, and she's not even giving him a chance.
Jennifer, I don't think you're thinking clearly.
Mallory, I can't believe that you would make that statement.
Listen, Jeff did it, Josh - Josh worships Jeff.
- Wait a minute, girls, girls! Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Mallory, Jennifer you're my sisters.
I love you both very much.
And it pains my heart to see you fight.
And snap at each other.
So, please do it another room, all right? Thanks, Alex.
All right, all right, I'll tell you what.
Okay, I'll tell you what.
I'll mediate your dispute.
- Oh, God.
- Please, don't.
Oh, come on, it will be just like when you were little and you'd have arguments and I'd settle them fair and square.
No, you wouldn't; you always sided with Jennifer.
- (groans) - Well, I won't this time, okay? Listen, I'll listen to each of your complaints, I'll think about it, and I'll come up with a solution that will satisfy both of you.
Okay? Now, Jen.
Fine.
Okay.
I think if I want to go out with Josh, it is my business, and Mallory should butt out.
Mm-hmm.
I just think Jennifer should go a little slow with Josh.
(clicks tongue) Okay.
Slow with him.
Butt out.
Mm uh Jennifer's right.
Oh, that's not fair! Yes, it is, Mallory! Mallory, if you would take the time to get to know Josh, you wouldn't be saying these things about him.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, that gives me an idea, huh? Why don't you and me and Josh and Jennifer all go out for dinner, huh? That way, you can get to know him.
That's a great idea, Nick.
What do you say, Mal? What if after we go out I still don't like him? Well, I don't know, you know, I only get one idea at a time.
So, uh, Josh, you're fluent in French, huh? Say something.
Nick, you're kind of putting him on the spot.
Aw, come on, just tell me a word, you know? Like, for instance, what's the French word for, uh, I don't know, say, um croissant? Croissant.
(laughs): Oh! Hey, so French and English are the same, huh? Basically.
So, uh, what else is going on with your life, huh? Well, we've talked enough about me.
Mallory, you haven't said much.
Oh, I'm just listening.
Go on.
You know, Josh got accepted early admission to Princeton.
Well, hey, early admissions to Princeton, huh, Josh? You must be pretty excited or as they say in French, "Pretty excited.
" Yeah, my brother Jeff went there, loved it.
Says you can meet all sorts of interesting people.
Really? Yeah, college can open up a lot of doors.
Both academically and socially.
Do tell.
Maybe we ought to talk about what Nick's doing.
Oh, okay.
Uh, what am I doing? Or as the French say, "What am I doing?" Shush up, honey.
Um, Josh, which door do you think you'd be more interested in, the social one or the academic one? Ah, I'm not sure.
Jeff says studying's pretty important, but, uh, I mean, you need a good social life, too, right? Well, he certainly had one.
So, uh, you two is going to the prom, huh? That's great.
Isn't it, Nick? Yeah.
You know, I never went to a prom.
How come? Oh, I was never in school when the year ended, so Um, Josh getting back to your social life what exactly do you think you'll be doing? Well, I I guess in the fall, I'd go to football games.
Alone, or with someone? Mallory, what does that matter? Oh, hush.
I'm just curious.
Josh? (chuckles) Well, with someone, I guess.
Hoping to make friends pretty fast.
What kind of friends? I don't know.
What kind are there? Well, there are the kind you hang out with, and there are the kind you kiss on the lips.
- Mallory! - Jennifer! Who here can roll their tongue? Listen, Josh, I'm sorry.
I just think Jennifer has a right to know where this relationship is going.
Mallory, stop it! Just leave him alone.
Look I don't know what's going on here, but I really don't think this evening was a good idea.
- I better go.
- Wait, Josh, wait.
No.
I am sorry, I got to go.
Thanks a lot, Mallory.
- Jennifer - Well, so long.
Or as they say in French Oh, Nick! Okay.
All right? Yes.
(Alex gasps) (sighs): Okay, we did it.
All right.
Okay.
Okay, what's, uh, what's next? Uh glue, glue, glue, glue.
One drop in each of its slots.
Yes, yes, each of the slots.
- All right? - Okay.
- Okay.
- Here we go.
- All right.
- Okay.
Okay.
There you go.
I can't do it, Alex.
I haven't got the hands anymore.
- I (sighs) -You can do it, Dad, you can do it.
You're a champ.
You're a winner.
- Okay, you're right.
- You're a model-building machine.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes! - Okay, all right.
- Yes.
All right.
Yes.
Go for it, Dad.
Tab 82 in slot A.
It's done.
It's All right, okay, okay, take a break, take a break.
(gargles) Dad, little bit more? (sighs) Okay.
Tab 83.
- It's done.
- Yes! One more! - Yes! - One more, Dad.
One more.
God, thank you, Alex.
Thank you.
One more.
Come on, buddy.
Come on, buddy.
Thank you, Alex.
Thank you.
Come on.
Come on, buddy.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yes.
- Done! We did it! - Oh! - We did it.
- We did it.
Okay, Dad.
Oh, Alex, I love it.
- We've done it.
We've done it.
- Yes.
We built our very own Republican Savings and Loan.
Alex, this is an authentic replica of a Wild West saloon.
No, it's not, Dad.
I mean, Dad, look, look, look.
If it's a Wild West saloon, what are all those cute little bankers doing in there? Those aren't bankers.
- Those are drunken cowboys.
- Dad.
They're bankers.
- Look, look.
- Alex, no, don't tell me.
- Dad, n-no, I just - No.
Al - Oh, oh! - Oh, oh, oh! Now look what you've done.
How's your hobby coming, honey? Oh, it's tremendously relaxing, Elyse! The trains are so small, you can barely see them.
Alex has turned the village into a bastion of Republican banking.
You can hardly put-put the buildings together, and when you can, you you glue yourself to them.
Great.
I've got to make a presentation at work tomorrow, and now I have to explain why I've got a saloon stuck to my hand.
It's a Republican Savings and Loan, Dad! ELYSE: Hi, honey.
- (door closes) -Hi.
- Where's Jennifer? Oh, she ran out of the restaurant after Josh.
Oh, dear.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Why? Oh, I started asking him all these questions, Mom, to find out if he was really like Jeff, and I went a little too far.
I alienated Josh, I mortified Jennifer.
I made a complete fool out of myself.
Nick have a good time? Yes.
He learned French.
Honey, look, even if Jen is making a mistake, there is nothing you can do about it.
It-lt's the only way she's gonna grow up.
In other words, butt out.
You got it.
I'll be upstairs.
How did things go with Josh? Fine, fine.
He's a really sweet guy, so he didn't hold anything against me.
You're another matter, however.
He must hate me.
No, I talked him down.
I told him that you're getting over a vicious bout of scurvy.
Then you must hate me.
It's tempting.
Jennifer, I'm sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.
Mallory, you had no right to do what you did.
I think I'm old enough to handle these things by myself.
I-I know that in my head, but in my heart, you're still my little baby sister.
You know, before you were born, I used to dream about what it would be like to have a little sister.
And then, when you came along, I was so happy.
Glad I could help.
I used to sneak into your nursery and-and sit there and-and look at you through the bars of the crib, and I'd talk to you.
Do you remember what I said? Not offhand.
I promised that I would be the best big sister in the world, and that I would protect you and care for you and teach you.
You've done that; you've always been there for me when I needed you.
(sighs) Oh, sure, when you were a toddler, I'd tell you how to sit up, patty cake and catalog shop.
But then, when you got older, you went in a different direction.
I mean, books and school and intellectual discussions things I don't know anything bout.
And I realized that you're not like me at all.
You're like Alex.
That's an awful thing to say.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
What I mean is that Alex took over and-and kind of became the one who gave you advice and-and that you looked up to.
Look, Mal, I know we don't have loads of stuff in common, but you're still my big sister.
Your opinion means a lot to me.
If it didn't, I wouldn't have cared what you thought of Josh.
Jen, that means a lot to me.
Listen, I'm sorry I didn't give Josh a chance.
Well, do you ever think you'll change your mind about him? Why don't we all go out after my scurvy clears up, and I'm sure I'll like him.
You're on, Mal.
And Mal? Yeah? I still love you, big sister.
(both chuckle) Jen, I love you, too.
Or as the French say, "I love you, too.
" MAN: Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(Ubu barks)