Last Comic Standing (2003) s07e09 Episode Script
Episode 9
America, are you ready to get The laughs on? [cheers and applause.]
I definitely think I have What it takes.
I'm in it to win it.
This time I'm going to go all The way.
I'm going to win "last comic Standing.
" seriously? You killed.
I think you're so funny.
That was a killer set.
It's the most important Performance of their lives.
Ladies and gentlemen, please Rise and clap like crazy for Your top six comments.
Tommy Johnagin, Jonathan Thymius, Myq Kaplan, Felipe Esparza, Mike Destefano, and Roy Wood, Jr.
And now, please welcome the Sexiest young man on television, Craig Robinson.
[cheers and applause.]
hello.
Thank you very much.
I'm Dr.
Craig Robinson, and I Love you.
After millions of auditions, Billions of performances and Several weeks of plastic Surgery, it all comes down to Tonight.
Five of these comics will Compete for $250,000, a spot on The last comic tour, and the Imperial grand title of "last Comic standing.
" [cheers and applause.]
And if that's not enough of a Thrill ride, legendary comedian Ron white is here.
[cheers and applause.]
Now, let's say hello to our Favorite prime-time judges.
Andy kindler.
[cheers and applause.]
Natasha Leggero.
[cheers and applause.]
And Greg Giraldo.
[cheers and applause.]
Okay.
Are you ready to find out who Will compete for the title? [cheers and applause.]
It's time for me to get my drama On.
[thunder.]
Last week, America made the Decision that it has to live With.
The comedian leaving us tonight Is Jonathan thymius.
[applause.]
Jonathan, it's been a crazy Ride, man.
Let's take a look at all the Memories we've shared.
This is the end of my "last Comic standing" journey.
It's depressing, you know, Because America didn't vote for Me.
And I live in America.
[laughter.]
I don't know what to do with Myself now.
I guess I'll just go home and Feed the cat.
[laughter and applause.]
hey, there's no way any of us Could ever forget you, my Brother.
See you at the top.
Jonathan thymius, ladies and Gentlemen.
[cheers and applause.]
America and anyone who's been to America, here they are, your Final five.
[cheers and applause.]
One of these guys will be the "last comic standing.
" And I hope you guys like each Other, because you're going to Be on tour together for the next First up first up tonight to Perform for your votes and the Title of "last comic standing" Is Roy wood, Jr.
[cheers and applause.]
Let's get even more acquainted With Roy.
Check this out.
My "last comic standing" Journey has been amazing.
To be where I am now is just Truly a blessing.
My burger is delicious.
The only reason I'm doing comedy Is because I got arrested when I Was 19.
My buddy and I, we stole a Girl's credit card.
We got arrested for it.
It was during that time that I Discovered comedy as a coping Mechanism to deal with my Depression.
I went into the New York City Audition just wanting to do well That morning.
Going to take time to get the Troops out of Iraq.
It took two years to get a crazy Girl out of my apartment.
I went into the evening Auditions just wanting to do Well that night and have a shot At doing this for the rest of my Life.
Please welcome back to the Stage Roy wood, Jr.
[cheers and applause.]
yes.
Yes.
I'm glad y'all are excited.
Nobody's more excited for me Than my Uncle but he's drunk.
He keeps telling people to watch The wrong NBC shows.
You know, my nephew gonna be on "law & order.
" He lives in Mississippi.
People down there real uptight About race.
Some black people down there Think everybody hate the black People which isn't possible.
Otherwise, Obama wouldn't be President.
That doesn't even make sense.
I understand what their argument Is.
There are some racists in this Country.
But everybody's not a racist.
The problem is we can't tell you Apart from the bad guys.
Because we want to like you, but We don't know if you're down.
I think anybody that likes black People, they should get a wrist Band or a hand stamp, just Something [applause.]
Quick.
I think that would be Convenient.
You just whoop it out in a dark Alley.
Give me all of your money.
Whoa, ah, ah, ah.
I'm sorry.
Most of my friends are married.
I'm not.
Starting to be a problem.
Because when you're single, all The lies flow through you.
I don't want to lie to your Wife.
Even if I did, you don't give me Enough time to learn the lie.
Hey, dog, she's going to call You.
Just say shrimp scampi.
Quick.
What does that mean? That's not a complete sentence.
There's no action verb.
What is the shrimp scampi doing.
Explain that.
I don't get it.
These guys, all they want to do Is all this kind of dirt.
I'm like dude, just calm down, It's all right.
I see some of these guys.
All they want to do is cheat and They call me up.
They go, hey, man, look, I need You to go on your website and Say you're in Puerto Rico.
But I'm not in Puerto Rico.
I told my wife we was kicking it In Puerto Rico.
Do you think I'm going to Remember that lie two years from Now drunk on your couch? A palm tree pops up on the Screen and first thing I'm going To say is, I ain't never been to Puerto Rico.
Then you're going to get Divorced.
I saw one of my boys get caught Cheating one time.
We were at a pizza spot.
His wife comes in with all her Girlfriends.
The way they came in, it was Military precision.
Somebody must have been across The street.
Go ahead, girlfriend.
What you got? We got your man.
He's in there with a white girl.
What do we do with the white Girl? Whoop her ass.
She's got a wrist band.
Thank you all so much.
Roy wood, Jr.
Judges, earn your keep.
Andy.
Wow! Wow! You know, is it too late for me To say who am I to judge at this Point? Is it too late for that? Apparently, yes.
Thank you, crowd, for going Deadly silent.
Roy, you're getting better and Better every week.
I just love you so much, man.
I wish I had something more Insightful to say.
Thanks for the case of wrist Bands.
Great.
Roy, I love that you're Personal, but then you also have Social commentary and it's so Funny.
And you seem like such a nice Guy.
Stay single.
You're going to get a hot chick When you win this contest.
[cheers and applause.]
Roy, just say we were in the Bahamas.
You're great, man.
This was a smashing, smashing Set.
And you've been great all along.
Like Andy says, you're getting Better each week.
That was awesome.
Great set.
[cheers and applause.]
if you want Roy to be the "last comic standing," call That's 1-877-553-3701.
Voting lines will be open for Two hours at the end of the Show.
Calls are toll free from Landlines so you don't have any Excuses.
Call.
I'm going to powder my nose in The lady's room.
Welcome back to "last comic Standing.
" I'm your host, Craig Robinson, Or as they call me in China, Blackie Chan.
Tonight our comics are battling For $250,000 and comedy's most Televised title.
Are you ready for your next Comic? [cheers and applause.]
Then check him out.
I was 8 when I decided I Wanted to be a comedian, and it Was because of David letterman.
I knew I was going to do it from My mind.
I think Warren Buffett bought His first stock at 6.
Someone I've always looked up to Is probably my stepdad.
My stepdad has been nothing but Encouraging for what I wanted to Do.
For me to pick something so Crazy and for him to be right on Board for the whole time is a Big deal.
You have to train for two weeks To be a busboy at applebee's and You're going to hand me your Infant, no questions asked? Tommy Johnagin is a joke Machine that is never going to Be busted.
It's been cheesy, but there Are moments that the judges have Said such nice things to me, I Get chills.
That was a great set.
To have people like that who Are so well respected say things Like that is really amazing.
Everybody give a round for Tommy Johnagin.
[cheers and applause.]
I have a redneck Uncle who Did the most redneck thing I Heard of when he stole a Port-a-potty from the side of The interstate.
My friend says there's no way he Did that.
You have to empty those out.
You're an idiot if you think a Port-a-potty thinks things Through.
He just saw it and goes that Will fit in my truck and someone Says, hell, yeah, it will.
Then it did.
The weirdest thing I've done, When I was 13 I went to a Gynecologist for a sports Physical and I found out they Don't do that there.
I walked into the wrong office And that's where the story Should stop but apparently the Woman behind the counter was Either too stupid or hilarious, Because she goes, here, fill out This form.
And I did.
I had to skip over a few Questions, sure.
There were a couple of not Applicables on there.
I was weighed by a nurse at a Gynecologist's office.
She goes why are you here today, Which is perhaps the question That should have come up Earlier? I said I'm here for a sports Physical and she goes did you Know this is an ob-gyn's office To which I reply yes, because I Thought if I said no, I would Look stupid.
[laughter and applause.]
I forgot I forgot I even did That until it occurred to me That somewhere in a Gynecologist's office there's a File with my name on it and Weight and a question mark next To are you menstruating.
I was like, yeah, I'm 13.
I menstruate all the time.
But I do it in my own home with The door locked.
Why is that is my mom going To find out about this? Does this make our insurance go Up? Here's another weird thing Happened.
I killed a deer with my car Once.
It was an accident.
It was like I saw it and I was Like give me my keys.
I hit it at 70 miles an hour and A girl with me, the moment we Hit it, she goes, "deer! " where?" I can't see it because there's a Deer in my windshield.
Then she goes, thank God we're All right.
I'm not thanking God.
That's one of his creatures and He threw it at us.
Thanks very much, guys, I Appreciate it.
Tommy Johnagin.
[cheers and applause.]
Okay, judges, we value your Opinions.
Natasha Leggero.
Tommy, it's so refreshing to Hear a man doing menstruation Jokes, really.
No, what I love about you Besides the gynecology jokes is That you really have jokes Within the jokes and you're Making the setup hilarious and Then there's a big payoff at the End with the punchline.
I really think you're so funny.
Thank you.
Greg Giraldo.
Tommy, I don't know how to Say this subtly.
You're a great comedian.
You're a great comedian.
You experience the world in a Way that normal people don't.
If you listen to all your jokes, They're stories, things that Happened to you, but you weave Them into great bits and you Crush every time.
I just think you're fantastic.
[cheers and applause.]
Andrew kindler.
Tommy, that was that Really was the best set yet.
I don't know how people are Going to vote.
That was so amazing.
I can't vote because I have a Thermal fax machine.
But you you were a little Slower tonight, which was great.
I mean, I got more I always Get your personality, but even More insight.
I just loved it.
I'm coming up with the are you Menstruating t-shirt.
If you want Tommy to be the "last comic standing," grab the Phone, hit someone on the head With it and call That's 1-877-553-3702.
You can also vote online at NBC.
Com.
Remember, there's a limit of 10 Votes per method.
All right.
We're be forced to take a break.
Don't do anything stupid.
We'll continue in just a moment.
Welcome back to the show you Never left.
I just want to remind you that, A, I'm cute.
B, Ron white will be performing Here in a little while.
[applause.]
And, c, our final five comics Are fighting for $250,000 and a Shopping spree at Gimbel's Department store.
Now let's meet our next comic.
The journey so far has been Very exciting from the very Beginning in an empty room.
At nighttime, you come back to This room there's going to be People and an audience.
Thank you, everybody.
Let's have another round of Applause when I'm done.
It's a nerve-racking experience At every point during this Competition.
Myq has gotten better and Better as the competition goes On.
People respect the jokes.
That's the funny thing.
Myq Kaplan.
It would be amazing to win.
I mean, make it happen.
I am gay friendly, or as they Called me in High School, gay.
My family has been loving and Supportive.
My mom has always been a follow Your dream, you're doing what You love person.
And my girlfriend, I wouldn't be Who I am without her or any of These people.
Please show some love and Acceptance for Myq Kaplan.
[cheers and applause.]
thanks, everybody.
You know, I'm Myq, not Tommy.
You can tell us apart because my Glasses don't have any metal and He doesn't get as many e-mails Saying enjoy hell, Jew.
It's enjoyable.
They want me to have a good Time.
You're going.
Make a day of it.
Prejudice is getting weirder.
Separate you didn't like.
Like interracial marriage.
Don't let black people marry us.
Make them marry each other only.
Not a lot of wrist bands back Then.
Today with gay people, don't Make them marry each other.
Make them marry us? [laughter and applause.]
Maybe make them marry the black People.
Bigotry is confusing.
Some people think that gay Marriage is going to lead to People marrying animals.
That's not been happening.
I haven't seen many baby Mermaids anywhere.
Whatever your position on the Issue, we can agree that's a Weird leap to make.
Did that happen throughout History? When women got the right to Vote, which I support, was Somebody crazy and sexist Thinking outlandish things like Women can vote? Who's going to vote next, Furniture, horses, other things That I own? [laughter and applause.]
Thank you.
I appreciate I appreciate Some of you clapping for the Right reasons.
Thank you.
Thank you.
One time when I said I believed Women should vote, a woman Yelled at me.
You're just saying that to get Laid.
I'm like that's all I'd have to Say to you to get laid? And it was.
So [applause.]
Thank you, 19th amendment, is The point.
Right to vote.
It came after the 18th, which Was prohibition of alcohol.
Which means history went like This.
All right, everyone, now that We're not drinking anymore, we Agree maybe women should be Voting as well.
Then women started voting and They were like we've got to Start drinking again.
Women are voting ridiculous.
[applause.]
So that's one of my pick-up Lines.
But I think women face Difficulties today.
This group of feminists Protesting the term manhole Because a person of either Gender can go through one of Those.
I agree.
We should call them street Vaginae.
Get them tattooed.
[applause.]
You guys, I guess the point is I'm pretty great with women.
I support your right to do it.
Men, too.
My name is Myq Kaplan.
Myq Kaplan.
Okay, judges, tell us what you Think one at a time.
Grig grig.
Greg Giraldo.
Disagree with giving the women The right to vote.
We're in the finals.
You're great.
Your jokes are so well-written.
You're funny.
You're spontaneous.
You're doing things in the Moment.
I love you.
I think you're a hilarious guy.
Andy.
I have to echo what Greg Said.
I don't know how this vote's Going to go.
I don't want to be in America's Shoes, which is how I feel every Morning, by the way.
And I won the pool.
Yes, he is Jewish.
We've been arguing about that.
Myq, you're hilarious.
You do so many things.
I say hooray to your thought Process.
Fantastic.
Natasha.
I'm going to have to agree With these boys.
I am against the women's Movement.
I think it ruined a permanent Vacation for half the species.
So now I have to judge on a Show.
I don't want to have to work Either.
It sucks.
You're so funny.
Great job.
If you want Myq to be the "last comic standing," walk over To your phone and dial That's 1-877-553-3703.
For two hours.
There's a limit of 10 votes per Method.
When we come back, we'll put Another contestant's career and Livelihood in your hands.
It's the battle for the title, Y'all.
Welcome back to "last comic Standing," the fight for Snooky's honor.
Tonight the final five are Performing in unalphabetical Order for the title of "last Comic standing.
" Up next is Felipe esparza.
Watch his video now.
Felipe really seems like he Was born to make people laugh.
I want to laugh.
When I was a kid, I wanted to Be a comedian, but growing up Where I grew up, dreams take a Break.
I live in a gated community.
The windows are gated.
The back door's gated.
A year went by.
I got into hard core drugs and Gang banging.
Some day I got lucky enough to Rethink my life, what I want to Do with my life and this is what I want to do.
Felipe esparza.
Envelope to move on to the Semifinals, I was shocked.
I don't like to stereotype About Latinos.
We're not all hard workers.
Sitting here as a finalist is Shocking.
It's surreal.
I can't believe it.
Thank you very much, ladies and Gentlemen.
I love it, man.
I love doing this.
I'm going to die with a Microphone in my hand.
[cheers and applause.]
give up your stuff for Felipe Esparza.
[cheers and applause.]
man, all right.
I love my dad, man.
Growing up my dad would walk Around the whole neighborhood And collect old furniture and Bring it home and fix it, like MacGyver, with duct tape.
One time he brought a television Home.
I said, look, that TV has 500 Channels.
When I got older, it didn't have [applause.]
My favorite channel was 300 Degrees.
It was a hot show.
It's hard to lose weight.
Everybody cooks with canola oil, Corn oil.
I'm Mexican.
We cook with lard.
My mother puts lard on Everything.
I had a heart attack when I was I would play kickball.
What the ooh.
I didn't know it was a heart Attack.
I thought I was turning into the Incredible hulk.
My brother came out of the Closet.
He told everyone he was gay.
My dad started choking on Turkey.
I ran behind him in a Heimlich Maneuver.
[laughter and applause.]
Doesn't anyone here like women? My sister said, I do.
It's kind of weird if you have a Gay brother, because he's very Good looking.
He could have any woman he Wants.
He wants a man.
That pisses me off.
That's like having superman Powers but you don't want to Rescue nobody.
[cheers and applause.]
I'm having I'm having lunch With my brother and his Boyfriend shows up.
Listen, man, I don't know how I Know this, but my brother could Do a lot better.
[laughter.]
They start kissing in front of Me.
The more they kiss, the gayer I Look.
Oh, hello.
People were feeling sorry for Me.
Look at that fat gay third Wheel.
And women look at my brother and They get upset.
He's gay.
What a waste.
Hey, I'm not gay.
What a shame.
Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause.]
Felipe esparza! [cheers and applause.]
Judges, spill your guts.
Felipe, Felipe, I'm loving That bit when you come up behind Your father that he's not Concerned about the incest part, Just the gay part seems to Bother him.
I love that.
I have to say, Felipe, I have Grown more in love with you each Week.
You are unlike Carlos Mencia From Australia, you are the real Deal.
I love what you do.
Felipe, I love that you talk About your family and I love That you bring them here to the Show to start the standing Ovation.
[laughter and applause.]
Felipe, you are Felipe, You are definitely my favorite Mexican Amish comedian.
You're one of those guys it's Impossible not to love.
The crowds love you.
You kill hard.
Your jokes are such original.
You have such an original world View.
I think you're fantastic.
That was great.
If you want Felipe to be the "last comic standing," put that Dialing degree to use and call That's 1-877-553-3704.
These toll-free numbers are 877, So please dial carefully.
Show.
It's time for another special Break.
We have one more finalist set to Perform, and then comedy Superstar Ron white takes the Stage.
Stay with us.
Welcome back to the TV show That's so good it should be in The movies.
The next finalist coming to the Stage is ready to be funny, so Let's take a look at this video.
Says things sometimes that Are harsh.
I love young people but you Walk around a lot.
You've got that stupid look of Hope.
He has so much heart behind Him.
You can see there's a depth to Him as a person.
It's not that I'm dark.
I think comedy is supposed to be About the dark side of life.
Put my helmet on, ma.
When I first went in to audition For the show, I didn't think I Was going to make the past the Morning first audition.
All right.
I'm going to start now.
I knew they just weren't going To like me.
We'll see you tonight.
Why? To fuck you? The first joke, I was on his Bus.
Your act is too sweet.
Week I did better and better.
Mike Destefano.
Mike Destefano.
Mike Destefano.
Winning "last comic standing" Would just blow my mind.
It would be it would be Great.
[cheers and applause.]
give a warm welcome to Mike Destefano.
[cheers and applause.]
all right.
What's up, everyone? Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I went to catholic school as a Kid.
That's why I'm a Buddhist.
They don't yell at you, the Buddhists.
They're nice.
They sit there.
The nuns yell at you.
Jesus died for your sins.
I'm 7.
What did I do already? It's unbelievable.
You know what I'm sick of? Ugly scary religious people Trying to Jesus loves you.
Oh, really? If Jesus loved me, I think he Would have sent somebody else to Tell me.
Yeah, yeah.
You're bad advertising.
You are bad advertising for Jesus, like Mel Gibson.
[cheers and applause.]
Yeah, that's right.
So you ever find money on the Sidewalk? It's the most incredible Experience.
It could be a dollar.
I found a $20 bill.
I picked it up.
I felt so special.
Then there's a homeless guy Sleeping 3 feet away.
Ruined the whole experience.
I'm thinking he should have Found it.
I woke him up.
I said, hey, you should have Found this.
Pay attention.
Thought I'd help out.
Then he said, he said to me, can I have it? I said, no.
If I give you this money, it's Going to deprive you of the Lesson that I'm trying to teach You.
When I was a kid, my Uncle Jerry Taught me a lot of good things About life.
He told me the only difference Between Jews and Italians is College.
[laughter.]
And when you hit a guy with a Hammer, make sure it's a Ballpine hammer not a regular Hammer, because it will get Stuck in the guy's head and He'll run away with your hammer.
[applause.]
So I try to remember that.
I'm sick of these gangsta Rappers shooting nine times and They don't die.
God, save me.
God was busy.
The reason you're not dead, Black dudes, you don't know how To shoot that good.
You jump around like this, side Ways.
Hold the gun straight and focus.
Doing.
If 50 cent got shot by Italians, Two bullets, he would have been Done, dead.
That's right.
Murder works.
His name would be 48 cents right Now.
The cell phone guy ripped me off A month ago.
I went back to his office.
The bill was $140.
He said it was going to be $79.
I went back with a real of duct Tape and hammer and said I'm Going to bust your head open Including nights and weekends.
As I was hitting him, I said can You hear me now? Thank you very much, you guys.
Appreciate it.
Mike destefano.
[cheers and applause.]
Okay.
Natasha.
Mike, that was absolutely Terrible.
You have no business being on The sorry, wrong show.
Trying to boost our ratings.
That was so funny.
My family's gonna love ya.
Stop facebooking my dad.
He's already voting for you as Much as he can.
He loves the paisan.
Great, great.
Greg Giraldo.
Mike no, it's my turn.
I'm sorry, Greg.
You're fantastic.
That was such a strong set.
It's so hard to be mean and Tough and still so lovable And not by me, but by the Masses.
I don't love you.
But that was super funny and Super great.
This is the finals, and you Really brought it here tonight.
Andrew kindler.
I would love to say some of The things you say, but I don't Have any genitals.
Otherwise, I would.
You are gruff but also bright.
In your case it works.
You've got it all.
If you want Mike to be the "last comic standing," and you Love making free phone calls, Then dial 1-877-5-keep-05.
Once again, that's You can also go to NBC.
Com to Cast your vote if your modem Still works.
Mine is broken.
When we come back, the lovely And hilarious Ron white will hit The stage.
Then it's time to vote.
Welcome back to "last comic Standing.
" It's almost time to vote.
First, we have a very special Guest.
He's an inspiration to us all, The hilarious Ron white.
[cheers and applause.]
yeah.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
You're so kind.
You know, seven years ago when "last comic standing" started, I Remember as a young comic how Excited I was to hear that there Was a new reality show out there Out it's not a drinking contest.
I'm like, why'd you call it "last comic standing"? [laughter and applause.]
I think comedy's about Perseverance, about getting the Job done no matter what.
Show's gotta go on.
And about a month ago I was in Las Vegas.
While I was in Vegas, I broke This tooth off at the gumline in An alcohol swimming pool-related Incident.
I had a show to do in four Hours.
I was kind of drunk and missing A tooth.
It looked a little Unprofessional.
Not to me, but to the fine folks At the mirage who invited me Out.
I told them, I said, I can't go On stage until we get this Patched.
This tooth doesn't look that big Until it's gone.
About the size of a dinner Plate.
They found this all-night dental School.
This dentist is like 14 years Old.
He hooks me up to the gas.
I tell him I don't feel Anything.
You need to turn this up.
He says there are regulations in I say where did you go to College? Brigham young.
Turn it up to catholic.
Here's the moral to that story.
Never let a Mormon set your buzz Level.
They don't understand hammer the Way you and I do.
They're guessing and they're bad Guessers.
I live in Atlanta part of the Year, last summer in Atlanta, an Idiot teenager was decapitated At an amusement park in Georgia On a famous roller coaster.
I thought he stood up and got His head cut off.
That's not what happened.
What happened, his hat flew off.
When he got off the ride, he Went through two fences they Told him not to to retrieve the Hat which it turns out he really Didn't need after all.
[applause.]
It's about touring.
I tour.
I've done this for 24 years.
I tour with my wife usually.
I love to tour with my wife.
I only have sex with my wife.
I've been married three times.
That has not always been my Policy.
See who was going to get married First.
I came in second, fourth and Seventh.
[laughter and applause.]
There's a lot of comfort in Having one sex partner.
I'm slow to learn.
She knows what I like and I know What she won't do.
There's a list of things she Won't do.
The first thing on the list is Talk about the list.
We did invent a sexual position That I named the lazy dog.
And I'll teach you how to do the Lazy dog.
You get in bed there and you get In the doggy style position and Both of you at the same time, And that's the important part, Fall over.
Now you're doing the lazy dog.
Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause.]
Ron white, ladies and Gentlemen.
[cheers and applause.]
Okay.
In just a moment, our voting Lines will open.
You may not vote for Ron white.
Now, let's take a moment to look Again at all of tonight's Performances.
Remember that lie two years ago Drunk from your couch? A palm tree pops up on the Screen.
First thing I'm going to say, I Ain't never been to Puerto Rico.
She says thank God we're all Right.
I'm not thanking God.
That's one of his creatures.
He threw it at us.
Today with gay people, don't Let them marry each other.
Make them marry us? My family put lard on Everything.
Had a heart attack when I was He should have found it.
I woke him up.
Hey, you should have found this.
Pay attention.
Guess what? The voting lines are now open.
Remember, this is your last Chance to vote.
Voting lines are open for two Hours.
Be patient if you can't get Through right away.
You can vote online at NBC.
Com.
There's a limit of 10 votes per Method.
Next week, don't miss our Star-studded finale.
We'll have performances from Kathy Griffin and also our three Judges will take the stage and I'll be performing with my band, The nasty delicious and, of Course, we'll find out who will Be the "last comic standing.
" I'm Craig Robinson.
I definitely think I have What it takes.
I'm in it to win it.
This time I'm going to go all The way.
I'm going to win "last comic Standing.
" seriously? You killed.
I think you're so funny.
That was a killer set.
It's the most important Performance of their lives.
Ladies and gentlemen, please Rise and clap like crazy for Your top six comments.
Tommy Johnagin, Jonathan Thymius, Myq Kaplan, Felipe Esparza, Mike Destefano, and Roy Wood, Jr.
And now, please welcome the Sexiest young man on television, Craig Robinson.
[cheers and applause.]
hello.
Thank you very much.
I'm Dr.
Craig Robinson, and I Love you.
After millions of auditions, Billions of performances and Several weeks of plastic Surgery, it all comes down to Tonight.
Five of these comics will Compete for $250,000, a spot on The last comic tour, and the Imperial grand title of "last Comic standing.
" [cheers and applause.]
And if that's not enough of a Thrill ride, legendary comedian Ron white is here.
[cheers and applause.]
Now, let's say hello to our Favorite prime-time judges.
Andy kindler.
[cheers and applause.]
Natasha Leggero.
[cheers and applause.]
And Greg Giraldo.
[cheers and applause.]
Okay.
Are you ready to find out who Will compete for the title? [cheers and applause.]
It's time for me to get my drama On.
[thunder.]
Last week, America made the Decision that it has to live With.
The comedian leaving us tonight Is Jonathan thymius.
[applause.]
Jonathan, it's been a crazy Ride, man.
Let's take a look at all the Memories we've shared.
This is the end of my "last Comic standing" journey.
It's depressing, you know, Because America didn't vote for Me.
And I live in America.
[laughter.]
I don't know what to do with Myself now.
I guess I'll just go home and Feed the cat.
[laughter and applause.]
hey, there's no way any of us Could ever forget you, my Brother.
See you at the top.
Jonathan thymius, ladies and Gentlemen.
[cheers and applause.]
America and anyone who's been to America, here they are, your Final five.
[cheers and applause.]
One of these guys will be the "last comic standing.
" And I hope you guys like each Other, because you're going to Be on tour together for the next First up first up tonight to Perform for your votes and the Title of "last comic standing" Is Roy wood, Jr.
[cheers and applause.]
Let's get even more acquainted With Roy.
Check this out.
My "last comic standing" Journey has been amazing.
To be where I am now is just Truly a blessing.
My burger is delicious.
The only reason I'm doing comedy Is because I got arrested when I Was 19.
My buddy and I, we stole a Girl's credit card.
We got arrested for it.
It was during that time that I Discovered comedy as a coping Mechanism to deal with my Depression.
I went into the New York City Audition just wanting to do well That morning.
Going to take time to get the Troops out of Iraq.
It took two years to get a crazy Girl out of my apartment.
I went into the evening Auditions just wanting to do Well that night and have a shot At doing this for the rest of my Life.
Please welcome back to the Stage Roy wood, Jr.
[cheers and applause.]
yes.
Yes.
I'm glad y'all are excited.
Nobody's more excited for me Than my Uncle but he's drunk.
He keeps telling people to watch The wrong NBC shows.
You know, my nephew gonna be on "law & order.
" He lives in Mississippi.
People down there real uptight About race.
Some black people down there Think everybody hate the black People which isn't possible.
Otherwise, Obama wouldn't be President.
That doesn't even make sense.
I understand what their argument Is.
There are some racists in this Country.
But everybody's not a racist.
The problem is we can't tell you Apart from the bad guys.
Because we want to like you, but We don't know if you're down.
I think anybody that likes black People, they should get a wrist Band or a hand stamp, just Something [applause.]
Quick.
I think that would be Convenient.
You just whoop it out in a dark Alley.
Give me all of your money.
Whoa, ah, ah, ah.
I'm sorry.
Most of my friends are married.
I'm not.
Starting to be a problem.
Because when you're single, all The lies flow through you.
I don't want to lie to your Wife.
Even if I did, you don't give me Enough time to learn the lie.
Hey, dog, she's going to call You.
Just say shrimp scampi.
Quick.
What does that mean? That's not a complete sentence.
There's no action verb.
What is the shrimp scampi doing.
Explain that.
I don't get it.
These guys, all they want to do Is all this kind of dirt.
I'm like dude, just calm down, It's all right.
I see some of these guys.
All they want to do is cheat and They call me up.
They go, hey, man, look, I need You to go on your website and Say you're in Puerto Rico.
But I'm not in Puerto Rico.
I told my wife we was kicking it In Puerto Rico.
Do you think I'm going to Remember that lie two years from Now drunk on your couch? A palm tree pops up on the Screen and first thing I'm going To say is, I ain't never been to Puerto Rico.
Then you're going to get Divorced.
I saw one of my boys get caught Cheating one time.
We were at a pizza spot.
His wife comes in with all her Girlfriends.
The way they came in, it was Military precision.
Somebody must have been across The street.
Go ahead, girlfriend.
What you got? We got your man.
He's in there with a white girl.
What do we do with the white Girl? Whoop her ass.
She's got a wrist band.
Thank you all so much.
Roy wood, Jr.
Judges, earn your keep.
Andy.
Wow! Wow! You know, is it too late for me To say who am I to judge at this Point? Is it too late for that? Apparently, yes.
Thank you, crowd, for going Deadly silent.
Roy, you're getting better and Better every week.
I just love you so much, man.
I wish I had something more Insightful to say.
Thanks for the case of wrist Bands.
Great.
Roy, I love that you're Personal, but then you also have Social commentary and it's so Funny.
And you seem like such a nice Guy.
Stay single.
You're going to get a hot chick When you win this contest.
[cheers and applause.]
Roy, just say we were in the Bahamas.
You're great, man.
This was a smashing, smashing Set.
And you've been great all along.
Like Andy says, you're getting Better each week.
That was awesome.
Great set.
[cheers and applause.]
if you want Roy to be the "last comic standing," call That's 1-877-553-3701.
Voting lines will be open for Two hours at the end of the Show.
Calls are toll free from Landlines so you don't have any Excuses.
Call.
I'm going to powder my nose in The lady's room.
Welcome back to "last comic Standing.
" I'm your host, Craig Robinson, Or as they call me in China, Blackie Chan.
Tonight our comics are battling For $250,000 and comedy's most Televised title.
Are you ready for your next Comic? [cheers and applause.]
Then check him out.
I was 8 when I decided I Wanted to be a comedian, and it Was because of David letterman.
I knew I was going to do it from My mind.
I think Warren Buffett bought His first stock at 6.
Someone I've always looked up to Is probably my stepdad.
My stepdad has been nothing but Encouraging for what I wanted to Do.
For me to pick something so Crazy and for him to be right on Board for the whole time is a Big deal.
You have to train for two weeks To be a busboy at applebee's and You're going to hand me your Infant, no questions asked? Tommy Johnagin is a joke Machine that is never going to Be busted.
It's been cheesy, but there Are moments that the judges have Said such nice things to me, I Get chills.
That was a great set.
To have people like that who Are so well respected say things Like that is really amazing.
Everybody give a round for Tommy Johnagin.
[cheers and applause.]
I have a redneck Uncle who Did the most redneck thing I Heard of when he stole a Port-a-potty from the side of The interstate.
My friend says there's no way he Did that.
You have to empty those out.
You're an idiot if you think a Port-a-potty thinks things Through.
He just saw it and goes that Will fit in my truck and someone Says, hell, yeah, it will.
Then it did.
The weirdest thing I've done, When I was 13 I went to a Gynecologist for a sports Physical and I found out they Don't do that there.
I walked into the wrong office And that's where the story Should stop but apparently the Woman behind the counter was Either too stupid or hilarious, Because she goes, here, fill out This form.
And I did.
I had to skip over a few Questions, sure.
There were a couple of not Applicables on there.
I was weighed by a nurse at a Gynecologist's office.
She goes why are you here today, Which is perhaps the question That should have come up Earlier? I said I'm here for a sports Physical and she goes did you Know this is an ob-gyn's office To which I reply yes, because I Thought if I said no, I would Look stupid.
[laughter and applause.]
I forgot I forgot I even did That until it occurred to me That somewhere in a Gynecologist's office there's a File with my name on it and Weight and a question mark next To are you menstruating.
I was like, yeah, I'm 13.
I menstruate all the time.
But I do it in my own home with The door locked.
Why is that is my mom going To find out about this? Does this make our insurance go Up? Here's another weird thing Happened.
I killed a deer with my car Once.
It was an accident.
It was like I saw it and I was Like give me my keys.
I hit it at 70 miles an hour and A girl with me, the moment we Hit it, she goes, "deer! " where?" I can't see it because there's a Deer in my windshield.
Then she goes, thank God we're All right.
I'm not thanking God.
That's one of his creatures and He threw it at us.
Thanks very much, guys, I Appreciate it.
Tommy Johnagin.
[cheers and applause.]
Okay, judges, we value your Opinions.
Natasha Leggero.
Tommy, it's so refreshing to Hear a man doing menstruation Jokes, really.
No, what I love about you Besides the gynecology jokes is That you really have jokes Within the jokes and you're Making the setup hilarious and Then there's a big payoff at the End with the punchline.
I really think you're so funny.
Thank you.
Greg Giraldo.
Tommy, I don't know how to Say this subtly.
You're a great comedian.
You're a great comedian.
You experience the world in a Way that normal people don't.
If you listen to all your jokes, They're stories, things that Happened to you, but you weave Them into great bits and you Crush every time.
I just think you're fantastic.
[cheers and applause.]
Andrew kindler.
Tommy, that was that Really was the best set yet.
I don't know how people are Going to vote.
That was so amazing.
I can't vote because I have a Thermal fax machine.
But you you were a little Slower tonight, which was great.
I mean, I got more I always Get your personality, but even More insight.
I just loved it.
I'm coming up with the are you Menstruating t-shirt.
If you want Tommy to be the "last comic standing," grab the Phone, hit someone on the head With it and call That's 1-877-553-3702.
You can also vote online at NBC.
Com.
Remember, there's a limit of 10 Votes per method.
All right.
We're be forced to take a break.
Don't do anything stupid.
We'll continue in just a moment.
Welcome back to the show you Never left.
I just want to remind you that, A, I'm cute.
B, Ron white will be performing Here in a little while.
[applause.]
And, c, our final five comics Are fighting for $250,000 and a Shopping spree at Gimbel's Department store.
Now let's meet our next comic.
The journey so far has been Very exciting from the very Beginning in an empty room.
At nighttime, you come back to This room there's going to be People and an audience.
Thank you, everybody.
Let's have another round of Applause when I'm done.
It's a nerve-racking experience At every point during this Competition.
Myq has gotten better and Better as the competition goes On.
People respect the jokes.
That's the funny thing.
Myq Kaplan.
It would be amazing to win.
I mean, make it happen.
I am gay friendly, or as they Called me in High School, gay.
My family has been loving and Supportive.
My mom has always been a follow Your dream, you're doing what You love person.
And my girlfriend, I wouldn't be Who I am without her or any of These people.
Please show some love and Acceptance for Myq Kaplan.
[cheers and applause.]
thanks, everybody.
You know, I'm Myq, not Tommy.
You can tell us apart because my Glasses don't have any metal and He doesn't get as many e-mails Saying enjoy hell, Jew.
It's enjoyable.
They want me to have a good Time.
You're going.
Make a day of it.
Prejudice is getting weirder.
Separate you didn't like.
Like interracial marriage.
Don't let black people marry us.
Make them marry each other only.
Not a lot of wrist bands back Then.
Today with gay people, don't Make them marry each other.
Make them marry us? [laughter and applause.]
Maybe make them marry the black People.
Bigotry is confusing.
Some people think that gay Marriage is going to lead to People marrying animals.
That's not been happening.
I haven't seen many baby Mermaids anywhere.
Whatever your position on the Issue, we can agree that's a Weird leap to make.
Did that happen throughout History? When women got the right to Vote, which I support, was Somebody crazy and sexist Thinking outlandish things like Women can vote? Who's going to vote next, Furniture, horses, other things That I own? [laughter and applause.]
Thank you.
I appreciate I appreciate Some of you clapping for the Right reasons.
Thank you.
Thank you.
One time when I said I believed Women should vote, a woman Yelled at me.
You're just saying that to get Laid.
I'm like that's all I'd have to Say to you to get laid? And it was.
So [applause.]
Thank you, 19th amendment, is The point.
Right to vote.
It came after the 18th, which Was prohibition of alcohol.
Which means history went like This.
All right, everyone, now that We're not drinking anymore, we Agree maybe women should be Voting as well.
Then women started voting and They were like we've got to Start drinking again.
Women are voting ridiculous.
[applause.]
So that's one of my pick-up Lines.
But I think women face Difficulties today.
This group of feminists Protesting the term manhole Because a person of either Gender can go through one of Those.
I agree.
We should call them street Vaginae.
Get them tattooed.
[applause.]
You guys, I guess the point is I'm pretty great with women.
I support your right to do it.
Men, too.
My name is Myq Kaplan.
Myq Kaplan.
Okay, judges, tell us what you Think one at a time.
Grig grig.
Greg Giraldo.
Disagree with giving the women The right to vote.
We're in the finals.
You're great.
Your jokes are so well-written.
You're funny.
You're spontaneous.
You're doing things in the Moment.
I love you.
I think you're a hilarious guy.
Andy.
I have to echo what Greg Said.
I don't know how this vote's Going to go.
I don't want to be in America's Shoes, which is how I feel every Morning, by the way.
And I won the pool.
Yes, he is Jewish.
We've been arguing about that.
Myq, you're hilarious.
You do so many things.
I say hooray to your thought Process.
Fantastic.
Natasha.
I'm going to have to agree With these boys.
I am against the women's Movement.
I think it ruined a permanent Vacation for half the species.
So now I have to judge on a Show.
I don't want to have to work Either.
It sucks.
You're so funny.
Great job.
If you want Myq to be the "last comic standing," walk over To your phone and dial That's 1-877-553-3703.
For two hours.
There's a limit of 10 votes per Method.
When we come back, we'll put Another contestant's career and Livelihood in your hands.
It's the battle for the title, Y'all.
Welcome back to "last comic Standing," the fight for Snooky's honor.
Tonight the final five are Performing in unalphabetical Order for the title of "last Comic standing.
" Up next is Felipe esparza.
Watch his video now.
Felipe really seems like he Was born to make people laugh.
I want to laugh.
When I was a kid, I wanted to Be a comedian, but growing up Where I grew up, dreams take a Break.
I live in a gated community.
The windows are gated.
The back door's gated.
A year went by.
I got into hard core drugs and Gang banging.
Some day I got lucky enough to Rethink my life, what I want to Do with my life and this is what I want to do.
Felipe esparza.
Envelope to move on to the Semifinals, I was shocked.
I don't like to stereotype About Latinos.
We're not all hard workers.
Sitting here as a finalist is Shocking.
It's surreal.
I can't believe it.
Thank you very much, ladies and Gentlemen.
I love it, man.
I love doing this.
I'm going to die with a Microphone in my hand.
[cheers and applause.]
give up your stuff for Felipe Esparza.
[cheers and applause.]
man, all right.
I love my dad, man.
Growing up my dad would walk Around the whole neighborhood And collect old furniture and Bring it home and fix it, like MacGyver, with duct tape.
One time he brought a television Home.
I said, look, that TV has 500 Channels.
When I got older, it didn't have [applause.]
My favorite channel was 300 Degrees.
It was a hot show.
It's hard to lose weight.
Everybody cooks with canola oil, Corn oil.
I'm Mexican.
We cook with lard.
My mother puts lard on Everything.
I had a heart attack when I was I would play kickball.
What the ooh.
I didn't know it was a heart Attack.
I thought I was turning into the Incredible hulk.
My brother came out of the Closet.
He told everyone he was gay.
My dad started choking on Turkey.
I ran behind him in a Heimlich Maneuver.
[laughter and applause.]
Doesn't anyone here like women? My sister said, I do.
It's kind of weird if you have a Gay brother, because he's very Good looking.
He could have any woman he Wants.
He wants a man.
That pisses me off.
That's like having superman Powers but you don't want to Rescue nobody.
[cheers and applause.]
I'm having I'm having lunch With my brother and his Boyfriend shows up.
Listen, man, I don't know how I Know this, but my brother could Do a lot better.
[laughter.]
They start kissing in front of Me.
The more they kiss, the gayer I Look.
Oh, hello.
People were feeling sorry for Me.
Look at that fat gay third Wheel.
And women look at my brother and They get upset.
He's gay.
What a waste.
Hey, I'm not gay.
What a shame.
Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause.]
Felipe esparza! [cheers and applause.]
Judges, spill your guts.
Felipe, Felipe, I'm loving That bit when you come up behind Your father that he's not Concerned about the incest part, Just the gay part seems to Bother him.
I love that.
I have to say, Felipe, I have Grown more in love with you each Week.
You are unlike Carlos Mencia From Australia, you are the real Deal.
I love what you do.
Felipe, I love that you talk About your family and I love That you bring them here to the Show to start the standing Ovation.
[laughter and applause.]
Felipe, you are Felipe, You are definitely my favorite Mexican Amish comedian.
You're one of those guys it's Impossible not to love.
The crowds love you.
You kill hard.
Your jokes are such original.
You have such an original world View.
I think you're fantastic.
That was great.
If you want Felipe to be the "last comic standing," put that Dialing degree to use and call That's 1-877-553-3704.
These toll-free numbers are 877, So please dial carefully.
Show.
It's time for another special Break.
We have one more finalist set to Perform, and then comedy Superstar Ron white takes the Stage.
Stay with us.
Welcome back to the TV show That's so good it should be in The movies.
The next finalist coming to the Stage is ready to be funny, so Let's take a look at this video.
Says things sometimes that Are harsh.
I love young people but you Walk around a lot.
You've got that stupid look of Hope.
He has so much heart behind Him.
You can see there's a depth to Him as a person.
It's not that I'm dark.
I think comedy is supposed to be About the dark side of life.
Put my helmet on, ma.
When I first went in to audition For the show, I didn't think I Was going to make the past the Morning first audition.
All right.
I'm going to start now.
I knew they just weren't going To like me.
We'll see you tonight.
Why? To fuck you? The first joke, I was on his Bus.
Your act is too sweet.
Week I did better and better.
Mike Destefano.
Mike Destefano.
Mike Destefano.
Winning "last comic standing" Would just blow my mind.
It would be it would be Great.
[cheers and applause.]
give a warm welcome to Mike Destefano.
[cheers and applause.]
all right.
What's up, everyone? Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I went to catholic school as a Kid.
That's why I'm a Buddhist.
They don't yell at you, the Buddhists.
They're nice.
They sit there.
The nuns yell at you.
Jesus died for your sins.
I'm 7.
What did I do already? It's unbelievable.
You know what I'm sick of? Ugly scary religious people Trying to Jesus loves you.
Oh, really? If Jesus loved me, I think he Would have sent somebody else to Tell me.
Yeah, yeah.
You're bad advertising.
You are bad advertising for Jesus, like Mel Gibson.
[cheers and applause.]
Yeah, that's right.
So you ever find money on the Sidewalk? It's the most incredible Experience.
It could be a dollar.
I found a $20 bill.
I picked it up.
I felt so special.
Then there's a homeless guy Sleeping 3 feet away.
Ruined the whole experience.
I'm thinking he should have Found it.
I woke him up.
I said, hey, you should have Found this.
Pay attention.
Thought I'd help out.
Then he said, he said to me, can I have it? I said, no.
If I give you this money, it's Going to deprive you of the Lesson that I'm trying to teach You.
When I was a kid, my Uncle Jerry Taught me a lot of good things About life.
He told me the only difference Between Jews and Italians is College.
[laughter.]
And when you hit a guy with a Hammer, make sure it's a Ballpine hammer not a regular Hammer, because it will get Stuck in the guy's head and He'll run away with your hammer.
[applause.]
So I try to remember that.
I'm sick of these gangsta Rappers shooting nine times and They don't die.
God, save me.
God was busy.
The reason you're not dead, Black dudes, you don't know how To shoot that good.
You jump around like this, side Ways.
Hold the gun straight and focus.
Doing.
If 50 cent got shot by Italians, Two bullets, he would have been Done, dead.
That's right.
Murder works.
His name would be 48 cents right Now.
The cell phone guy ripped me off A month ago.
I went back to his office.
The bill was $140.
He said it was going to be $79.
I went back with a real of duct Tape and hammer and said I'm Going to bust your head open Including nights and weekends.
As I was hitting him, I said can You hear me now? Thank you very much, you guys.
Appreciate it.
Mike destefano.
[cheers and applause.]
Okay.
Natasha.
Mike, that was absolutely Terrible.
You have no business being on The sorry, wrong show.
Trying to boost our ratings.
That was so funny.
My family's gonna love ya.
Stop facebooking my dad.
He's already voting for you as Much as he can.
He loves the paisan.
Great, great.
Greg Giraldo.
Mike no, it's my turn.
I'm sorry, Greg.
You're fantastic.
That was such a strong set.
It's so hard to be mean and Tough and still so lovable And not by me, but by the Masses.
I don't love you.
But that was super funny and Super great.
This is the finals, and you Really brought it here tonight.
Andrew kindler.
I would love to say some of The things you say, but I don't Have any genitals.
Otherwise, I would.
You are gruff but also bright.
In your case it works.
You've got it all.
If you want Mike to be the "last comic standing," and you Love making free phone calls, Then dial 1-877-5-keep-05.
Once again, that's You can also go to NBC.
Com to Cast your vote if your modem Still works.
Mine is broken.
When we come back, the lovely And hilarious Ron white will hit The stage.
Then it's time to vote.
Welcome back to "last comic Standing.
" It's almost time to vote.
First, we have a very special Guest.
He's an inspiration to us all, The hilarious Ron white.
[cheers and applause.]
yeah.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
You're so kind.
You know, seven years ago when "last comic standing" started, I Remember as a young comic how Excited I was to hear that there Was a new reality show out there Out it's not a drinking contest.
I'm like, why'd you call it "last comic standing"? [laughter and applause.]
I think comedy's about Perseverance, about getting the Job done no matter what.
Show's gotta go on.
And about a month ago I was in Las Vegas.
While I was in Vegas, I broke This tooth off at the gumline in An alcohol swimming pool-related Incident.
I had a show to do in four Hours.
I was kind of drunk and missing A tooth.
It looked a little Unprofessional.
Not to me, but to the fine folks At the mirage who invited me Out.
I told them, I said, I can't go On stage until we get this Patched.
This tooth doesn't look that big Until it's gone.
About the size of a dinner Plate.
They found this all-night dental School.
This dentist is like 14 years Old.
He hooks me up to the gas.
I tell him I don't feel Anything.
You need to turn this up.
He says there are regulations in I say where did you go to College? Brigham young.
Turn it up to catholic.
Here's the moral to that story.
Never let a Mormon set your buzz Level.
They don't understand hammer the Way you and I do.
They're guessing and they're bad Guessers.
I live in Atlanta part of the Year, last summer in Atlanta, an Idiot teenager was decapitated At an amusement park in Georgia On a famous roller coaster.
I thought he stood up and got His head cut off.
That's not what happened.
What happened, his hat flew off.
When he got off the ride, he Went through two fences they Told him not to to retrieve the Hat which it turns out he really Didn't need after all.
[applause.]
It's about touring.
I tour.
I've done this for 24 years.
I tour with my wife usually.
I love to tour with my wife.
I only have sex with my wife.
I've been married three times.
That has not always been my Policy.
See who was going to get married First.
I came in second, fourth and Seventh.
[laughter and applause.]
There's a lot of comfort in Having one sex partner.
I'm slow to learn.
She knows what I like and I know What she won't do.
There's a list of things she Won't do.
The first thing on the list is Talk about the list.
We did invent a sexual position That I named the lazy dog.
And I'll teach you how to do the Lazy dog.
You get in bed there and you get In the doggy style position and Both of you at the same time, And that's the important part, Fall over.
Now you're doing the lazy dog.
Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause.]
Ron white, ladies and Gentlemen.
[cheers and applause.]
Okay.
In just a moment, our voting Lines will open.
You may not vote for Ron white.
Now, let's take a moment to look Again at all of tonight's Performances.
Remember that lie two years ago Drunk from your couch? A palm tree pops up on the Screen.
First thing I'm going to say, I Ain't never been to Puerto Rico.
She says thank God we're all Right.
I'm not thanking God.
That's one of his creatures.
He threw it at us.
Today with gay people, don't Let them marry each other.
Make them marry us? My family put lard on Everything.
Had a heart attack when I was He should have found it.
I woke him up.
Hey, you should have found this.
Pay attention.
Guess what? The voting lines are now open.
Remember, this is your last Chance to vote.
Voting lines are open for two Hours.
Be patient if you can't get Through right away.
You can vote online at NBC.
Com.
There's a limit of 10 votes per Method.
Next week, don't miss our Star-studded finale.
We'll have performances from Kathy Griffin and also our three Judges will take the stage and I'll be performing with my band, The nasty delicious and, of Course, we'll find out who will Be the "last comic standing.
" I'm Craig Robinson.