M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e09 Episode Script

[O.
R.
Chatter.]
Come on.
Get in there.
Give me some suction.
Clean it up a little.
Let's go, let's go! Would anyone care for some powdered orange juice? - It's fresh.
- Just what the doctor ordered.
I'll just sip mine here on the veranda.
That water was a lot stronger before you flavored it.
There was only enough powder for two pints, and there's a gallon of us here.
I don't know.
It worked with loaves and fishes.
- [Chuckling.]
- At least it's wet.
- Doctor? - That swill? No.
Thank you, Father.
Of course, if you could wave your hand over it and change it into wine - Major, do you box? - No.
Good, 'cause I'm tempted to teach you.
Pressure's dropping.
No pulse.
We're losing him, Doctor.
- Oh, that's impossible.
This is a routine operation.
- Move it, Winchester! - Still no pulse.
- I don't understand.
Why? Revive first and ask questions later.
- This is insane! - Charles, go! Get on that horse or step aside.
Doctor, you've gotta do something now.
Shut up, all of you, and let me work.
Cardiac needle and adrenaline, stat.
I'll start a massage.
- Better let me handle it.
- Even strokes, one per second.
Have her breathe him every five strokes.
I am aware of the procedure, thank you.
Come on.
Damn it.
! Come on.
Come on.
Live! That's an order! I'm getting a pulse.
- Are you sure? - It's very erratic, but it's there.
- Stay with him, son.
- [Air pumping.]
Pressure? Sixty, systolic.
Pulse is getting stronger.
Eighty over 50.
pulse stronger.
- Getting regular.
- All right.
Let's see if it holds.
Ninety over 60.
He's alive again.
[All Cheering.]
[Laughing.]
Congratulations, Charles.
That was some rubdown.
Wouldn't you know? Just when I'm mad at him, he does something heroic.
I'd applaud you, Major, if this boy didn't need his kidney.
What is all the fuss about? Haven't you people ever seen a man brought back to life before? You know, I must be sick today.
I've got an appetite.
Thank God you're here, Charles.
Revive this liver.
Pierce, for once your mockery is justified.
My performance in O.
R.
Today was inexcusable.
I hesitated far too long before springing into action.
Do I hear right? Humility from that mouth? It's hard to drag these words out, Charles, but you did a marvelous job.
No, I should have started the massage much earlier.
I should have clamped the art Do you really think so? As far as I'm concerned, your patient had the best doctor in the room.
Yes, of course.
You're absolutely right.
I didn't want to be the one to say so, but thank you for confirming it.
He got me.
We should've known.
That size-45 head's a dead giveaway.
- May I join you? - Only at the hips.
Please, Margaret, we need some beauty to offset the beasts.
- Doctor, it was an honor working beside you today.
- Don't start him, Margaret.
Being a part of what you did gave me a wonderful feeling inside.
- I want to thank you.
- Anytime, Major.
It was nothing.
- It should be written up in all the medical journals.
- Or at least Boys'Life.
The simple adulation of my coworkers will suffice.
Hey, Doc! Nice shoestring catch today.
Thank you, Klinger, and never touch me again.
Here you go, Major.
From the law firm of Whitehurst, Blinn, Blinn and Whitehurst.
- Pretty classy.
By the way, it's postage due.
- [BJ.
.]
I'd sue.
For Captain Hunnicutt from Mill Valley Mill Valley, Mee Vee Two from my wife, one from my little girl.
Donald Penobscott! That crud! He's tied up our joint savings account until the settlement is final and it's mostly my money! Margaret, relax.
It's all part of the joy of divorce.
Yes, you'll get it eventually.
If I may wax philosophic patience is an integral element of the unbought grace of life.
Oh, cram it down your Webster! - What did I say? - You mean you don't know either? [Whistling.]
Oh! - Colonel! - Ah, shoot.
I must talk to you about that moneygrubbing weasel I'm divorcing.
Please, Major, after I catch the sunset.
It's only 3:00 in the afternoon! - I like to paint the sky in first.
- Colonel! All right.
Find a parking space.
Donald's tied up our joint account into a thousand legal knots and my lawyers say there's nothing I can do about it.
- The scales of justice take time to balance.
- Ah, bull! Seemed like a good thing to say.
I'm just so sick and tired of this whole divorce! The immediate problem is getting Penobscott to release your money, right? - Before I kill him.
- Right.
What if I put through a call and talk to him, man-to-man? - Good, but you'll have to make it man-to-rat.
- [Knocking.]
- Enter at your own risk.
- Colonel Potter? - Enter at your own risk.
- Colonel Potter? Captain Tom Greenleigh, Stars and Stripes.
Sorry, I already subscribe.
- I'm here on a story assignment, sir.
- I'll give you a story.
Flash: Army nurse gets shiv from ex.
- Pardon me? - Never mind.
Wait a minute.
That sounds very interesting.
How 'bout if we discuss it later over drinks in the Officers Club? - You men, you're all sleaze! - Whoa! Whoo! Want to slip 'em back in their sockets, Captain? Yoo-hoo! Captain? Uh, oh, yes, sir.
I'm here to do a story on your Major Winchester the surgeon that brought the G.
I.
Back on the table.
- Brass thinks it's newsworthy.
- How'd they find out about it so quickly? - Winchester? - Well, he called in the lead.
Surprised it took him so long.
I don't know about this.
All my people do a good job.
I don't like setting one above the others.
- Especially him.
- Well, sir, H.
Q.
Has requested that you comply.
- General Imbrie.
- Uh-huh.
- The place is yours.
- Thank you, Colonel.
If it's okay, I'd like to start off by asking you a couple of questions.
Okay, if you like.
Who was that feisty majorette? You're the snoop.
Dig for it.
Please, bear with my clumsiness, Captain.
This is my first interview since I graduated from Harvard summa cum laude with one of the highest grade point averages ever seen at that institution.
The man's a marvel.
He can grovel and blow his own horn in the same breath.
Pierce! Ah, just a moment.
Lampoon to your heart's delight but when the brass in Tokyo read this article about me I shall be delivered from this muckhole and placed in a proper facility.
With a crescent moon on the door.
I knew there had to be a good reason why you saved that guy's life.
Pierce! Ignore them, Captain.
I assume that you'll want to start with some biographical information.
I really don't have room for that.
Just the facts.
Oh, right.
Of course.
I was born in upper Boston, where my family has lived for five generations.
In a modest 20-room log cabin.
Due to my background and breeding it was inevitable that I attend the finest schools Choate, Harvard.
The Massachusetts Institute of Snobbery.
When they get this way, I usually just hit them with a rolled-up newspaper.
- Last night we ate his slipper.
- Perhaps we should start with some pictures.
A flash of genius.
Okay.
- We'll say "cheese," you say "Choate.
" - Let's call the whole thing off.
Get out of my picture and out of my life! Wait a minute.
That's That's not a bad shot.
Winchester and his cohorts.
Praise be to the god of surgery.
We kiss thy hand, Your Swell-headedness.
[Chuckling.]
Got it.
Here you go, shutterbug! Snap my picture and win me a free trip home.
- That's a guy.
- These reporters don't miss a thing.
Captain, I've got a great photo series for your rag.
Stars of the silver screen as portrayed by Corporal Max Klinger.
Wait a minute.
I know.
Charles Laughton in Mutiny on the Bounty.
- After the mutiny.
- Wrong.
This is one of the characters from the 1939 epic Gone with the Wind and it ain't Rhett Butler.
Where did he escape from? That's the idea, sir.
I'm a loon.
Now tell the world.
Get out of here, you antebellum baboon! - [Southern Accent.]
Unhand me, damn Yankee! - Klinger! [Man On p.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Wounded arriving in the compound.
Come one, come all.
- The fun never stops.
- Stay close, Greenleigh.
- You'll get some memorable shots of me in action.
- Hey, wait a minute, Captain! - What about my picture? - We'll think about that tomorrow, Scarlett.
I'll be waiting at Tara! That's the tent next to the latrine.
- Belly wound.
Plasma.
Type and cross match.
- [Sneezes.]
Springtime in Korea, when the air is filled with pollen and bullets.
All right, wait.
Let's find a really interesting case, one that's more newsworthy.
Let's see here.
Fracture.
Femur.
No, wait, wait.
This one's nothing.
Uh, Major Houlihan? Captain Tom Greenleigh.
- We met in Colonel Potter's office.
- Get out of my way! - Nice to see you again! - Excuse me, Captain.
- Yes.
- Hey, hey! Watch it, will you? Tag him number two.
Get him inside.
Look, Greenleigh, why don't you play with your Brownie someplace else? - These guys have been shot enough for one day.
- Amen.
This is not a fashion show.
Stand off to the side while you take those.
- Yes, sir.
- Captain Greenleigh.
A good one here.
Sucking chest wound.
This'll be perfect.
Pressure dressing, stat.
Get him into O.
R.
How's this? Good.
Just lean over a bit more.
- More.
- Uh - Head Chin up.
Good, good.
- Huh? Fine.
Tokyo, here I come.
[Shutter Clicks.]
Uh, Captain, you are probably asking yourself "Why did he do a primary anastomosis?" - Good question.
- Thank you.
Sure.
Well, ordinarily, see one would do a do a colostomy and leave the delicate work for the surgeons in Tokyo.
However, since I am more adept than, uh [Laughing.]
others here I'm able to give these brave soldiers that little extra something.
[Humming Patriotic Tune.]
You have just heard the ponderous words of Dr.
Charles Emerson Supercilious the only surgeon who can operate with one foot lodged in his mouth.
I use a fascinating stitch of my own devising during closure.
You want Cap Captain? I can't believe it.
They're walking out on you, Major.
Mind if I watch? It's a half-free country.
I meant watch you.
- You never quit, do you? - Now you're getting it.
I thought you were watching me operate.
- He's operating on his own now, Charles.
- Table for one, no waiting! You're fast today.
Using a sewing machine? Time flies when you're not trying to impress the press.
Put in a new blade, Pierce.
It's not cutting.
Blunt trauma to the chest.
Looks like an aneurysm.
Well, that should slow you down, Mr.
Zippety Zip.
- Winchester, you better take it.
- I've done aneurysms before.
It's Winchester's specialty.
It's best to go with your strength.
[Chuckling.]
Finish closing for me.
Thank you.
Gown.
Thank you.
All right.
[Laughing.]
Pierce, step aside.
Doctor at work.
And this is the famous Private Sutton who only owes me his life.
- Is that true, kid? - That's what he tells me.
This is Captain Greenleigh from Stars and Stripes.
- He's gonna do a bit of reportage on your case.
- I'm gonna be in the papers? We're going to be in the papers, yes.
This ain't the first time I've been wounded, you know.
I already got a Purple Heart.
Yeah? Let's hear about it.
- It was about six months ago.
- Uh-huh.
- I was in this bunker, see - [Nervous Chuckle.]
Sutton, stay calm.
You mustn't get excited.
Why do people always go berserk when they meet a reporter? Nurse.
- When did you come on duty? - Three hours ago.
- Was the drainage this bloody when you first checked him? - About the same as now.
- Anything to worry about? - Maybe we should ask Front Page Charlie.
- Oh, Charles.
- Not now, Pierce.
So, tell me about the other times you got clobbered, kid.
The first time was at Pork Chop Hill.
Say, Captain, one battle is so much like the next.
There's the senseless shelling and the repetitious attacking and the retreating.
- It's all quite mindless.
- Dr.
Winchester.
! What is it, Pierce? I would like a consultation on a medical matter.
You remember medicine.
Gentlemen, this won't take me more than a second.
Sutton, stay calm and quiet until I get back.
You need to rest.
- Uh, now - Calm! Quiet.
Spare me the barbs.
Get to the point.
- It's Martinez, your aneurysm patient.
- Yes? - The drainage from his chest tube is too bloody.
- That's ridiculous! Could it be that you missed a bleeder during your press conference in O.
R.
? I didn't miss anything in there.
- Pulse and pressure are normal.
- Mm-hmm.
Then how do you explain all the red stuff? In this type of operation, there is occasionally excess drainage.
If you had my years of experience in this area, you would know that.
No, you wouldn't, for you haven't my intuition.
Could be, but my trick knee tells me check for hemorrhaging.
Opening this man up is not going to solve anything.
Pierce.
Are you sure you don't have an ulterior motive? - An ulterior motive? - Of course.
Show me up, get the headlines, hmm? It's very clever.
The only thing that's keeping me from knocking your block off is I would have to treat you afterwards.
Truth hurts, doesn't it, Pierce? - [Door Slams.]
- [Chuckling.]
- [Knocking.]
- I dare you to come in! - Major? What the - Oh.
Careful, Colonel.
I just washed those.
Sorry, I didn't mean to stick my nose in your business.
- Did you talk to Donald? - Till I was blue in the face.
- He said no? - In a word, yes.
Damn it! I knew it! Margaret, if it'll help, I could lend you some money till things Ah, save it! I mean, thank you, Colonel.
But it's not the money.
I just hate sitting here, not being able to do anything about it.
- I feel like hitting something! - Understandable.
No, I feel like breaking something! - I think I'd better go check on Sophie.
- Understandable.
- Good night, Margaret.
- [Screaming.]
[Nurse.]
Pulse is 110.
- Lfhe was a hummingbird, he'd be in great shape.
- How's the drainage? Still too much.
This kid's definitely blown a gasket.
I'm gonna scrub.
Prep him for O.
R.
And go find Winchester.
Tell the star he's on in five minutes.
Sorry, Martinez.
Nobody should have to go through two opening nights.
Say when, Margaret.
Men stink.
Close enough.
Can I confide in you, honey cutt? - Hunnicutt.
- As a doctor or a bartender? I think you're cute.
- So do I, but what do we know? - Not like old Donald Duckface.
It's been four months since we made close order drill.
- [Chuckles.]
- That's what he used to call it.
Margaret, maybe I shouldn't be hearing this.
I'm not a licensed innkeeper.
Four long months.
Sometimes I really miss being held by a man, you know? Having him caress me, kiss me touch my hair.
- How 'bout some coffee? - It wouldn't be the same.
I'm afraid it's the best I can do.
Never mind.
Well.
Good evening, Major.
How 'bout if I, uh, buy you a drink? - Do you always talk in opening lines? - Huh? "Buy you a drink.
" "Remember me?" "Mind if I watch?" I can't wait to find out how much I remind you of your sister.
Then you tell me how do I do it? No, how do I tell a beautiful woman whom I've watched with fascination who's filled my thoughts ever since I got here that I would like to get to know her very, very well? That's awfully good.
[Chuckling.]
Thank you.
- How 'bout if I buy you a drink? - What? - Well, that's fine.
Bartender - Not Not here.
My tent.
Just give me five minutes to tidy things up a little.
Oh, boy.
Whatever these are, I'd like two to go.
Greenleigh, easy on her.
She's going through a rough time right now.
Hey, Doc, come on.
I'm an officer and a gentleman.
Is it five minutes yet? Never mind.
Don't worry about it.
I'll just walk very slowly.
Ah! Captain, okay, there's no way you can't recognize this little cutie.
- A perennial box-office favorite.
- Not now, huh? It's Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz about to be magically transported to Kansas or Toledo, which is on the way.
- I gotta run.
I'll take your picture tomorrow, okay? - Promise? - Promise.
! - Did you hear that, Toto? We're going home! We're going home! Pierce, how dare you open up one of my patients! I just couldn't wait till Christmas.
Of all the unmitigated gall! Gall? No, I'd say an artery, hemorrhaging.
You should have gotten my opinion.
I couldn't wait for it to come out in the papers.
Well, lookee here.
- Lookee where? - In the superior ascending aorta.
One of the suture lines is leaking.
- One of my suture lines.
- Vascular silk.
I do I don't know how it could've happened.
Yes, you do.
Yes, I do.
Ah, what a beautiful morning! - You don't look so bad yourself.
- Thank you.
It's been a long time since I've felt this good.
Don't mention it.
Listen, I gotta hit a deadline tonight in Tokyo but I'll be back through these parts in a couple of weeks and I'd like to fill up your dance card.
- Oh, Tom.
- No, really.
Come here.
Next time we should go to Seoul.
Now, I know a great spot we can stay down there.
It's called Geno's Shangri-la.
It's got a little garden in back with a real tree.
- Tom.
- It's very romantic.
You'll love it.
Tom.
Last night was very important to me.
- Me too.
- But not for the same reason.
For the first time since my divorce, I was free of my husband.
I finally let him go.
So what's the problem? Well, now that I've found a little freedom, I want to stay free.
Oh.
That's the problem.
At least for a while.
Well, if that's the way you feel.
- I'm afraid I do.
- I'm still gonna call you though.
[Chuckling, Moans.]
- You never do give up, do you? - No.
No, no.
- Good morning, Major.
- Oh, sir! Good morning, Colonel! - Glorious morning, isn't it? - Glorious.
- You all right? - Never better.
Is this the same Margaret Houlihan who's been punting backsides all over camp? No, sir, this is a new Margaret Houlihan.
Well, whatever you did to change, keep it up.
Yes, sir.
[Whistling.]
Say it, Pierce! You're gonna say it anyway, so say it now! - Say what? - You know.
"Well, if it isn't Charles"Ego' Winchester, the Boston Bungler.
" That is what you would say.
Oh, I left out "I told you so.
" - Well, say it! - Why should I? You already did.
- Yeah, you loved it, didn't you? - Anybody home? - No, but we'd like to be.
- Major, I finished the article.
Not now, Greenleigh.
My soul is in torment.
You are gonna love this.
Listen.
"With lightning efficiency, he moves from one difficult case to the next.
- When the medicos" - Medicos? Yeah, gives it some zip.
"Encounter a traumatic aneurysm, the enlargement of a vessel leading to the heart "they call in the one man who can guarantee a successful operation - Major Charles Emerson" - Stop! Stop right there.
The patient to whom you refer developed complications due to my inefficiency.
- So you would be printing a lie.
- So who's gonna know? Me! Therefore, you will not print it at all! What What are you doing? You can't rip that up.
You're telling me that I've wasted two whole days listening to endless stories about that lace curtain circus you call a family? Take care, man! - What a dump.
- The decorator's here.
Forget it.
I don't care what I take back to Tokyo, as long as it's a story.
- We're wasting light, Joan Crawford.
- Bette Davis.
Did you say "light"? I've been trying for so long.
I want to thank the Academy, my public.
I love you! Love you all! - Come on.
Let's go! - God bless you, Darryl Zanuck! [Chattering, Indistinct.]
Charles, you're not gonna like this, but I'm gonna tell you anyway.
- You're pompous, arrogant, conceited and a total boor - [Sighs.]
But you're all right.
[Chuckles.]
- Good evening, Charles.
- No, thank you.
Why the sour puss? Captain Greenleigh just left with your article.
By next week, you'll be the toast of the Far East.
There will be no article.
I ripped it up.
- What did you do that for? - 'Cause I didn't like his style.
Funny.
I wasn't crazy about it myself.
But now I'm having second thoughts.
So am I.
Margaret, are we talking about the same thing? - Oh, I'm sure we're not.
- Oh.