My Family (2000) s07e09 Episode Script

Dad, listen Can you pick Kenzo up from nursery this afternoon and take him to the park? I've got to run some errands Yes, of course, darling But I'll have to take my newspaper with me, and of course my Scotch Oh, Alfie, Alfie, Alfie Listen, can you take Kenzo to the park this afternoon? - Yeah, okay - Thanks I owe you one I suppose I can always eat this tangerine later Oh, what a busy schedule you have, Alfie Sarcasm is a very blunt tool, Mr Harper You might like to check out some of the flats to rent Once again, you've located the chink in my armour (CHUCKLING) Ah Just you and me, Scotchie Oh, now it's just me Hello again What in God's name are you doing, woman? It's like a sauna in there Are you insane? I'm in danger of losing a foot from frostbite! Susan, what is Great SUSAN: (SCREAMING) Don't! Don't! Susan, if you don't let me shut this window, so help me, I I'll just put up with being a little bit chilly, okay? Another rough night? (GRUNTS) Your mother I can't take it any more The mood swings, the emotional outbursts, the sweaty towels Well, you know what it is, don't you, Dad? I'm afraid so, Janey Your mother's on drugs - He doesn't have a clue, does he? - Who's gonna talk to him? Heads Good luck - Dad? - Yeah - Sit down - Why? We need to have a little talk - What, must we? - Yes This is important You and Mum are at an age now when your bodies are starting to change - Oh, God! - No, no I'd rather you heard this from me than from one of your friends Maturity brings with it certain hormonal changes Michael, didn't you and I have a little talk like this years ago? You mumbled something about trains and tunnels and went down the pub This is really embarrassing, Mikey There's nothing to be embarrassed about It's perfectly normal It's part of life Dad, Mum is going through the menopause - What? - The change of life Think about it The mood swings, the hot flashes, the lapses in memory She's been putting this family through hell Yeah - That's normally your job - Yeah What am I supposed to do? She's in denial You've got to talk to her Can I go now? And you will talk to her? Yeah, yeah, yeah Just You know, don't go on about it Ohh, hello, darling! Hello! Welcome home Don't be afraid I can do nice So, I think we ought to sit down and have a little talk Don't you? - Yes, I think we do - Yes, good Because talking is good in a marriage, isn't it? Don't you think? You know, the give and take The ebb and flow The use of words into, sort of, sentences, and, um Yeah, I mean, I love that about our marriage, don't you? I mean, the sort of loving, gentle communication I got arrested for shoplifting Sorry, what? They said I took a pair of £250 sunglasses (SCOFFS) (TITTERING) Shoplifting? Well Well, if you wanted something, why didn't you come to me and we could have discussed it? (DOORBELL RINGING) - Mr Harper? - Yes I'm John Barker, head of security at Goddard's department store - It's about your wife - Come in Not you again! Mrs Harper, if we could just discuss the incident I told you I have no idea how those sunglasses got into my pocket Look, it should never have got as far as the police I've had a word with the store manager and we don't want to go ahead with the prosecution You see? That's very good, isn't it? Isn't that generous, Susan? Yeah, we don't want the bad publicity We are aware that many of our clientele are women of a certain age Yeah - A certain age? - That's a bad area, John Bad area You see, Mrs Harper, this happens more often than you think Now, we'll drop the charges if you'll come back to the police station and explain that you were simply forgetful You know, if you're going through that time of life Time of life? Don't go there, Johnny boy Don't go there Listen, don't dismiss it out of hand entirely, Susan I mean, you know Hey, forgetful I mean, this could be a "get out of jail free" card, literally - No - Come on, Susan, please - Please, John's trying to be helpful - Oh, I know what Joseph's trying to say and I know exactly what he's trying to suggest Now get out of my house You're making things very difficult for me Well, thank you very much, Jeremy, but I don't need your help I did not steal those sunglasses and I am not forgetful Well, if you change your mind, here's my card Good luck Pillock! Ben, did I handle that all right? Yeah Yeah, that was I That was very good Did you want to talk to me about something? Not at the moment, no You're in a good mood Yesterday, I met the most sublime woman Beautiful, charming, witty Reminiscent of the young Grace Kelly - Where did you meet her? - Up the park Only trouble is she's labouring under a misapprehension That you're from Earth? No She thinks I'm Kenzo's dad Ah Using the little fellow as bait, eh? Chuck him on the roundabout and see what you can trawl up? It wasn't quite that cynical, Michael, but yes, that's basically what happened You still think I did it, don't you? No, I do not and I don't know how you dare suggest that because I'm just a little bit, you know, disappointed Little hurt, that's all Ben Harper, look me in the eye and tell me I'm innocent (STAMMERING) Susan, I think you're innocent - The eye, Ben - I think - I think - Yes? (STAMMERING) I just know that you're innocent - Guess where we've just been? - That's right, the London Aquarium It is outrageous, besmirching Susan's good name like this Well, I'll tell you one thing From now on I'll be buying my gentleman's supports from a different retailer Calm down, Rog (HUFFS) We're all hurting They're not fit to lick her boots What do you think, Michael? I didn't know you wore a gentleman's support I don't suppose anyone's seen my wallet, have they? And what's that supposed to mean? Well, I wasn't accusing Mrs Harper, if that's what you think You better not be, because Susan Harper is the most inspirational person in my life Besides my mother Any male role models in your life? None that spring to mind (DOORBELL RINGING) I'll go Oh, hello again Hi Oh, um - You dropped this yesterday in the park - Oh, thank you It's empty They must have taken all the money out Yeah I suppose it doesn't matter When you own a big house like this, you really only use plastic Well, I should explain I'm Oh, I love the colours in here So sexy, a guy with taste Sexy Well, I've always found orange appealing - The swings were fun yesterday - Yeah You got really high Thank you - Hello - Hello Yes, hello Hello, Janey This is Janey - Janey is Kenzo's mum - Hi - My My ex-wife - What? (MUMBLING) Oh, yeah You must be Alfie's friend from the park, right? Yes So, you two must have a really good relationship, then - Oh, absolutely - Yes Yes, we're still great friends But the sex was never right, was it, Alfie? Thank you, Janey I'd better get on Um, look Here's my number - Maybe we could get together sometime - That would be great Oh, I feel so strange I don't know whether it's the first rush of love or I'm infused with a sense of guilt Well, you know, I get those two confused all the time Oh, my babies have all grown up Mum, those are Alfie's underpants Susan, have you got that really smart suit you sometimes wear? Yes, why? Good, 'cause you're going to court on Tuesday You've opened my post - I can't believe it - It's hardly surprising, is it? I mean, you've had every chance in the world to back down - You still think I did it - I don't Why doesn't anyone believe me? There's a very simple way we can prove you're telling the truth - Is your name Susan Harper? - Yes - Do you live in Chiswick? - Yes Was I an accident? No (FAST BEEPING) Just stick to the point, Mikey, will you? What's going on in here? Just giving your mother a lie detector test Borrowed it from college Oh, wow I haven't seen one of those since Never mind Mum, I have a question for you - Was your first time with Dad? - Yes (FAST BEEPING) - Stop abusing the technology, please - Yes Yes, we're wasting time here Okay, Mum, did you deliberately steal those sunglasses? No, I did not - There, you see? - All right, okay Hang on Did you absentmindedly put them in your pocket and leave the store - without paying for them? - No (FAST BEEPING) This is ridiculous The machine is obviously broken Susan, please, you can tell us I mean, there are no secrets between us, are there? Of course not (FRENZIED BEEPING) I'm going for a lie down (FAST BEEPING) All right I'm going for a drink Don't worry, Alfie Melanie will be here soon I can't stand it any longer I thought things were going well with her? It's the deceit I'm caught in my own web of lies In fact, I'm like a spider that's lost the protective mucus that stops it sticking to its own web Come on, Alfie You've got plenty of mucus left Why do they make these packets so hard to open? Someone wants a biscuit, they want it now Now look what you've done I gonna get you the best lawyer My biscuits, they're ruined Hello Yes? (DOORBELL RINGING) Mmm-hmm I don't care what he costs I want the best lawyer money can buy, okay? Yeah How much? Well How about the second-best lawyer? Alfie Are you sure the hospital is all right about you having the day off? Well, when you're the head surgeon you can more or less do what you like Harper, tell the staff they can take the rest of the day off Very generous, sir (BELCHES) Do you Do you speak English at all? It's a shoplifting case (SLOWLY) Shoplifting No, not the whole bloody shop Susan? How about you know, how about I defend you? - What? - You? - Yes You know, I'm good at arguing - No, Ben, you're good at shouting Well, it's the same thing It's just getting your point across You're a dentist Would you allow a lawyer to fill in one of your teeth? Well, it's a lot easier than I've been making it look all these years And a decent lawyer costs 400 quid - Oh, is that all? - An hour Oh Oh, well - Why not? - Really? Yeah I don't care I don't care about anything any more (DOORBELL RINGING) Hello Hello, I'm Melanie Alfie's friend You must be joking Anyway, I wanted to speak to Janey, his ex-wife Oh, sorry, Janey I think you'd better come in Thank you I wanted to speak to Janey today because I know that Alfie operates on a Monday He operates on a Monday Yeah Is it Monday already? - What have you told her? - How did the operation go? He'll live So Alfie told you he's a surgeon Really? I don't think you've been entirely honest, have you, Alfie? Please don't, Mr Harper Because I think Alfie is probably one of the best surgeons in the whole world Oh, please stop Who is he? - This is Mr Harper He's my - Manservant What procedure was it today? Oh, you know, I don't like to take my work home with me Oh, no, no You never really do bring any work home with you, do you, Alfie? Take the rest of the day off, starting now Go on But who would press your hunting trousers? Oh, now wait You must think I'm stupid You're right, Melanie I'm sorry, I'm not a doctor I don't have children - I live in Mr Harper's box room - Rent-free The whole thing's been a tissue of lies I was just talking about the hunting trousers So was I! - Well, thank goodness for that - Shall we? Nice try Hello, darling How are you - in yourself? - I'm fine Good, good That's very good, because I think we should have a little talk Look at this advert There's this little boy and he's got a cough And his mother gives him medicine, and then he goes back to school the next day (SOBBING) Well, maybe we can leave it for a bit later - No, no, no We have to talk tactics - Yeah, we do Absolutely That's what I thinking Because I I bought these law books And, you know, they're really crazy I mean, you know, gobbledegook (CHUCKLES) But something just jumped out and You know it was something called Oh, what was it now? Oh, yes "Diminished responsibility" I know It sounds bonkers, doesn't it? You know, but What it means is that if you, you know, were to say that you were going through some change (STAMMERING) of life, and that you were getting forgetful, you know, temporarily, there is a good chance that they might let you off It's crazy, isn't it? I'm not going to lie Why not? I'm not going to stand up in a court of law and lie Susan, has it occurred to you that you might be going through the (CLEARS THROAT) menopause? No Why? Because if I were, that would mean I was getting o o: : : (STAMMERING) old - And I'm not - No, of course, you're not No I mean, I know that, but you know And you're not going through the You know Thank you But if you were going through the thing that you're not going through now, I mean, I'll be here for you (SOBBING) I mean, you know, whenever that is Sort of in the future sometime You know, Mikey, I sometimes think I chose the wrong career I can see myself crossing swords with the great legal minds, tying witnesses up in knots Shocking the court with some last-minute piece of evidence Yeah, well, it's got to be better than looking in people's gobs all day Good luck, Susan Justice will out Thank you, Roger I'll just be glad when this whole thing is over And I can go back to nicking stuff It was a joke, everyone, a joke! (ALL LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Come on, move, move, move She is so dignified, so brave Like Marie Antoinette, before she had her head cut off Don't worry Crown versus Susan Harper Who's representing Mrs Harper? I am, Your Honour Who? I don't believe we've met before Are you a solicitor or a barrister? I'm a dentist A professional man, though He's my husband Mrs Harper, I would strongly advise you to seek professional legal representation I can give you an adjournment, if you like No, we've discussed all the options And anyway, he's got his heart set on it Yes, I understand a layman is allowed to represent a defendant under the principle of McKenzie's Friend Oh, very good, Mr Harper! What is happening in this courtroom today is nothing short of a travesty Susan Harper, wife, mother, hobbyist Mr Harper, prosecution usually likes to go first Oh, do they? Really? Oh, right, sorry Then I humbly defer to my learned colleague Mr Harper, if he were your colleague, he'd be a dentist Mr Mitchell actually went to law school Can we get on, please, Your Honour? Thank you, Mr Barker (CHUCKLING) Watch as I tear him to shreds - Maybe this is a bad idea - Too late Mr Barker, on the day of the incident, had you been drinking at all? - No - Really? But you yourself said the incident took place at 2:30 pm after lunch Yes Are you seriously standing here in a court of law, under oath, mind, suggesting that you do not drink at lunchtime? - That's right - Your Honour, please! How much more of this must we sit through? Everyone has a drink at lunchtime I myself have an absolute minimum of two pints Before performing dental work on your patients? I have mints - I don't drink - Pardon? - I haven't touched a drop in 14 years - Oh, right So, you're an alcoholic? No, I became a Methodist lay preacher and decided to become teetotal - Anything else, Mr Harper? - No So that's your defence, is it? - That everyone has a drink at lunchtime? - Well, they do I might as well book myself into Holloway prison now Thank you for your vote of confidence You're not exactly Rumpole of the Bailey, are you? Well, at least I don't go around nicking sunglasses! A bit louder, Ben, I don't think the judge heard you And this is the still from the CCTV footage which shows Mrs Harper putting the sunglasses in her pocket What? Oh, come on This could be anybody How about this one, then? Susan, it was you You did it! I believed in you and you let me down I feel like something inside of me has died! Well, I do! If you're thinking of calling a character witness, I wouldn't pick Roger So, Mrs Harper, we've established the hot flashes Can we now discuss the mood swings? Hmm? Did you or did you not launch a piece of toast at your son Michael's head when he said, and I quote, "Good morning"? - Get to the point, Ben - Yes, please do, Mr Harper All right Yes, fine Fine Women, eh? I submit to this court that at the time of the aforementioned incident the defendant was the victim of diminished responsibility due to the menopause - That is not true - The evidence is overwhelming Are you or are you not going through the change? - Oh, don't be ridiculous - You are under oath! - Are you going through the menopause? - Will you approach the bench, please? Not you! Mrs Harper - You have this with your wife? - I don't have a wife I have a civil partner Are you getting night sweats? - Oh, yes - Try coconut milk - Insomnia? - Oh, God, yes Valerian I swear by it Now, you didn't mean to take these, did you? Of course not If I'd wanted to steal sunglasses, I would've taken the tortoise shell ones Yeah I mean, these are really ugly Your Honour, can we continue? - No - Thank you I'm dismissing this case Mrs Harper, you are free to leave Thank you Being married to him, I'm surprised you're not up on a murder charge 'Cause, Mr Harper, you are one of the most arrogant, ignorant, opinionated men it has ever been my misfortune to encounter And I've worked at the Hague trying war criminals Here's to Susan! - To Mum! - To Susan! Merry menopause! And happy new phase of life - Thank you - Speech? Yes, of course You see, there was no doubt in my mind - Not you - Hmm? Right Mum Well, I really don't know what to say, but I suppose it's at times like this one really appreciates the love and support of the family, and I've never been happier in my life - Hear, hear - Hear, hear