Not Going Out (2006) s07e09 Episode Script
Lucy
We're not going out Not staying in Just hanging around with my head in a spin But there is no need to scream and shout We're not going out We are not going out.
What are you doing here all alone? Is it wrong for a woman to be sat on her own at the bar? AT the bar? With those shoulder pads, I thought you WERE the bar.
Are you shrugging that comment off? I can't tell.
I just popped in for a bit of Dutch courage.
I've got a very important meeting at the restaurant next door.
Kind of job interview.
Oh, right.
Do the Dallas Cowboys need a new quarterback, then? Will you stop going on about the coat? This could be a big deal for me, Lee.
Very big.
Do you understand? OK.
I understand.
You've got a lot on your shoulders.
Great, thanks for the confidence boost.
It was just a joke.
Yeah, it's always a joke, isn't it? Why do you never pay me compliments? I do.
When? Last night.
I thought you looked very nice.
Well, why didn't you say? Because I didn't know how you'd respond.
What's the worst I could have said? "It's three o'clock in the morning.
Get out of my bedroom, Lee"? You just can't do it, can you? Yes, I can.
Go on, then, give me a compliment.
All right.
Your skin looks clear.
I said a compliment, not a check-up.
All right, what about this? Your eyes look nice.
Why do they look nice? Because your eyelashes look like two tiny little crows that have crashed into the windscreen of your face.
I'm going to be late.
I'll probably still be here later, so why don't you join me for a drink? You can have some peanuts.
You'll like them, they're complimentary.
Actually, I'd rather not.
I just feel like sometimes we live in each other's pockets, Lee.
Which is fine if you're married, or a couple, but we're not, are we? We're just flatmates.
I think we need to start doing our own thing a bit more.
After all, we may be seeing a lot less of each other if things come off.
Surely if things come off, we'll be seeing more of each other.
I mean the job.
It'll mean me not being around as much.
In fact, hardly at all.
Anyway.
Wish me luck.
Break a leg.
With the weight of those shoulder pads, you probably will.
What are you doing here all alone? Still, at least you're drinking like a real man.
Fancy another rose? It's Lucy's.
She's just left.
Something you said? Something I did.
Bitter? No, I'd never bite her.
Oh.
No, I'm fine.
So, er, where's Anna tonight? She's not ready.
You know what women are like.
She has to try on 11 different outfits before she can leave and then she says she looks too fat.
Probably because she's wearing Can I ask you something? Does Anna ever suggest that you two spend less time together? No.
We love each other's company.
You mean she won't let you out of her sight.
She's practically got a tracker chip in you.
It's not a tracker chip.
It's just an app on her phone that blinks when I move.
Anyway, why do you ask? Oh, no reason.
Just something Lucy said.
But you're not even a couple.
Although I must admit, I thought you were when we first met.
Oh? Why did you think that? Oh, I don't know, man and woman living together.
Then I noticed the arguments.
The sarcasm.
The way she looks embarrassed by you all the time.
Then I assumed you were married.
No, she's just my landlady.
So there's never been anything more between you? How do you mean? Well, you know the phrase - friends with benefits.
No, we're just friends.
Although I am on benefits.
Never even come close? You know, sharing a flat with someone young and attractive, walking round in skimpy underwear, she's going to get tempted.
But no.
What about the future? Do you think anything might happen? Just between me and you.
You'd have to buy me a lot more drinks before anything happened just between me and you.
You know what I mean.
Between you and Lucy.
And there isn't even the slightest chance that you might both be in denial about how you really feel? No, she's like the sister I never had.
There's no secret feelings or denial.
OK? I knew it! I told Anna she was completely wrong about all of that.
All of what? Anna's got this theory that you and Lucy act like there's nothing going on between you, whereas really, there is this powerful latent energy that will one day result in emotional and sexual fusion.
I feel like I've phoned Babestation but Stephen Hawking's picked up.
So, er what made Anna think that? Was it, er something Lucy said? No, I don't think so.
But it doesn't matter, does it? Cos you just told me you weren't interested and never will be.
Exactly.
Good.
That's what I said to Anna.
I said "Lee's not interested, so he won't be bothered" "that we've set up Lucy up on this date tonight.
" Anyway, can we now please move on? Did you see that documentary about the assassination of JFK the other night? Sorry, what date? Ooh, now you're asking.
November 22nd, 1963.
No-one told me about that.
I think it's fairly well documented.
I mean Lucy, tonight.
Oh, yeah, she's on a date next door.
She told me it was a business meeting.
Oh, I wonder why she lied? So, er who is he, then? He's my cousin, Carl.
You've set her up with your cousin? I know up north you prefer to date your own cousins, but I like to mix it up a bit.
So what does he do? This Carl.
He's a fully qualified barrister.
Oh, yeah? Starbucks or Costa? No, Lee, the type who charge serious money for their services.
Oh, Caffe Nero.
He's wealthy, is he? Yeah.
But, you know, money is no guarantee of happiness.
He needs to find someone to share it with.
All alone in his great big mansion.
Driving around in his Ferrari.
Doesn't that damage the carpets? But he still finds time for all his charity work, though.
He's just back from climbing Kilimanjaro for the Guide Dogs.
Did he find any? MOBILE BEEPS Carl's just texted me.
What does it say? "What a knockout.
" Lucy's probably floored him with her shoulder pads.
Lucy could be so good for Carl.
I've got really high hopes for this thing.
Hang on.
Back up a minute, Cupid.
It's only a blind date.
Lucy might not like him.
It's not exactly a blind date.
They've been e-mailing each other for months, Facebooking, texting, Skyping.
It's not like when you meet a girl, Lee, and she looks nothing like she did on the card in the phone box.
It still might not mean there's any chemistry when they meet in person.
I read a thing that said between a man and a woman is based on smell.
Probably more in your case.
I'm just saying, let's not get carried away.
Things might not progress.
I've just told you, it already has progressed.
On social media.
He's already talked about inviting her to his place in Naples.
I said Naples was a bit much.
Start with the mews house in Belgravia and then at the weekend, surprise her with a trip to the villa.
Oh, right, he's got a season ticket, has he? Do you know what, I'd better give Anna a call.
See if I've got time for another pint and pretend it's still my first.
Well, that's the advantage of being single, mate.
I could get cirrhosis of the liver and no-one would bat an eyelid! You can't get cirrhosis if you're under 60.
Oh, good, it's you.
No, hang on, not cirrhosis.
What am I thinking of? B&Q discount card.
Why aren't you with Lucy? We're not joined at the hip.
Of course we're joined at the hip.
Or else our legs would fall off.
She's at the restaurant next door.
On a date with a bloke she's never mentioned.
Do you know about him? The honest answer? No, the made-up answer(!) Yes, I did know about him.
It's early days, but she thinks he's the one, and they've been picking out names for children and everything.
Really? No.
That was the made-up answer.
And the honest answer? Never heard of him.
Do me a favour.
Can you sort of casually walk by the restaurant and check out what's happening? You want me to spy on them? Well, "spy" is a big word, Daisy.
No, it's not.
Unless it's written big, like "SPY!" OK.
I'll go and stand outside and read the non-verbals.
That's how people really communicate.
Believe it or not, what I actually say to you contains very little information.
Great news.
Anna's not ready yet, so I can sneak in another half.
You all right? You've been a bit edgy since I mentioned Lucy's date.
Look, I don't want to tread on any toes here, Lee.
If there is anything going on between you and Lucy, now is the time to say.
I'll just text Carl and I'll tell him to back off.
Why would he listen to you? I dunno.
He just would.
Something doesn't ring true about all this.
You conveniently appear at the bar the second that Lucy leaves, then you ask me loads of questions about me and her, and now you're telling me you can stop this date just by sending a text.
What's going on? OK.
Carl asked me to help him.
Help him with what? Carl really likes Lucy, but he's got this feeling that she likes someone else.
I said it might be you.
So he persuaded me to casually bump into you this evening and do a bit of fishing.
If I find out there is anything going on between the two of you, I text him so he doesn't waste any more of his time.
What kind of a man asks someone to spy on a person? I should go next door and punch him in the face! He's six foot four.
Well, I should go next door and punch him in the tits! So? What? Is there anything going on between you and Lucy? Because if you have even the slightest feeling for her, this might be your last chance to finally admit it.
I've just told you, no.
Right, OK.
That's fine.
Great.
She can just carry on with her date.
You don't want to worry about Carl.
He's a very lovely man.
Charming.
Sweet.
All the women love him.
And by all accounts, he's a very gentle lover.
All right, I do like her, all right? Happy? I thought you said she was like the sister you never had.
Well, she's more like the Sister you'd quite like to have? Why didn't you tell me before? Because it was none of your business.
But now it is my business, because you want me to put Carl off? Yeah, but I don't want Lucy finding out what I've just told you, OK? Does she feel the same way about you? Maybe.
I'm not telling Carl to back off on a "maybe".
OK.
Definitely.
She likes me too.
For sure.
Prove it.
She sometimes does things that could be considered as flirtatious.
Like what? Last night she offered me a bit of flapjack.
Unless that's a euphemism, that's not flirting.
OK.
Sometimes she runs me a bath.
That could be seen as flirtatious.
Or it could be called dropping a hint.
That isn't enough evidence, Lee.
I'm going to tell him to go for it.
Please, don't.
Just lie to him.
Tell him you have found out there's something between me and Lucy.
And that he should back off.
And why would I do that? Because we're mates.
And you want to help me.
Because you like me.
Keep going, I'll tell you when you've got something.
He's my cousin.
He might be your cousin, but I'm not your cousin.
What does that mean? I don't know, I'm panicking! Look, my fate might be in your hands.
I am opening up to you here.
I'm telling you I really like Lucy.
I've never told anyone that before.
So please just give me a chance.
I'm begging you.
OK, I'll tell him to back off.
I'll tell him there's someone else on the scene.
Thanks, Toby.
Well, I'm not doing it just for you.
If there is even the slightest chance that something might happen between you and Lucy, I'm not having Carl getting hurt.
I'm not having him getting involved in some accidental menage a trois.
That's French for three people being involved.
I know what it means.
And I don't want three people being involved any more than you do.
I very much just want it to be mange tout.
MOBILE BEEPS He's sent me a text already.
What does it say? "I suspect you may be right.
" "She obviously has feelings for her flatmate.
" "She keeps on mentioning him.
" "She says her feelings are contradictory," "sometimes ambivalent, but at other times," "she has a powerful yearning to connect.
" He's put that? Course he hasn't, it's a text message.
It says "OK".
Anyway, he's backing off, so you've got what you wanted.
LEE SIGHS Thanks, Toby.
It's appreciated.
Do you want another drink? What if Anna smells all this booze on my breath? I've got mints.
She'll see through that.
I know, they're Polos.
So when are you going to do it? Do what? Tell Lucy how you feel about her? Well er you know.
No rush, is there? I've got to plan my approach.
She's a woman, she's not a runway.
I have cleared a path for you.
There is an old Chinese proverb, "When the path is clearest, danger is closest.
" Who said that? Confucius? Actually, it was Kung Fu Panda.
Just tell her! And how am I supposed to do that? I dunno.
Wait until playtime and slip a note into her satchel(?) You're unbelievable.
How long have you known each other? I'm guessing four, maybe five months and you haven't done anything.
Oh, don't tell me it's been longer than that.
A bit longer.
How much longer? Six or seven years.
Seven years! My God, you really could have slipped a note into her satchel! My nan had a gallstone that moved more quickly than you.
OK, so I take my time.
But which is the fastest, the hare or the tortoise? The hare is the fastest, and it has more sex.
What are you doing? I'm giving Carl some better advice.
You are clearly never going to do anything about you and Lucy, so I don't see why I should ruin Carl's chance of happiness, or Lucy's, for that matter.
What have you said to him? I've told him I made a mistake last time.
That there is definitely no-one else on the scene and that he should go for it.
Send him another one and tell him to back off again.
No chance.
I don't see why other people's lives should be affected because of your inaction.
You're talking like Lucy doesn't even get a say in this.
Yeah? But she might not even like him.
Or she may be gazing into his eyes, and in her head, an orchestra might be playing the theme to Dr Zhivago.
Yeah, or in her head, she might be hearing that Radiohead song, You're A Creep.
Or she might be hearing that Tina Turner song, You're Simply The Best.
Yeah.
Or she might be hearing that Rolling Stones song, I Thought You Seemed So Good On Facebook, But Your Breath Smells Like A Tramp's Cock.
All right, I made that one up.
MOBILE BEEPS Interesting.
What? What does it say? It doesn't say anything.
It's a smiley face.
Whose face? Lucy's? What's he doing to her? It's not an actual face.
It's a colon.
He really is a fast mover, isn't he? It means message received and understood.
Oh, great! Don't take it out on me.
Lucy might have been yours if you'd had the guts to tell her a long time ago.
It's not my fault that Carl is sitting there telling her he wants to be with her.
But I want to be with her! Why? Come on.
What is it you like about her? Lots of things.
Some of them just silly little things.
And those are the things you should have told her.
Women love it when you notice the little things about them.
Come on, what things? I don't know.
Things like the sweet little hair she's got on her top lip.
The little patch of eczema she's got on the side of her neck.
The way that cute bit of skin hangs down below her arms.
Actually, maybe you were right not to tell her those specific things.
Yeah, well, I think those things are nice.
And that's why I love her.
Congratulations, you've finally said it.
To the wrong person, seven years too late.
Well, maybe it's not too late.
I'm going to tell her right now.
In front of all those people in the restaurant.
Including Carl.
Really? Yeah.
What have I got to lose? We are talking like it's down to me and Carl who she ends up with.
But it's not.
It's down to her.
And by telling her I love her, at least I'm in with a fighting chance.
OK, maybe you're right.
Go for it.
May the best man win.
Oh, I knew you'd take his side.
I'm not taking sides, Lee.
If you love her, you tell her! Damn right! You tell her that she's the only woman for you! Absolutely! You tell her that you want to spend the rest of your life with her! I will.
I bloody will! You say to her that you want it all.
Marriage, kids.
The lot! What? I never said anything about marriage.
Well, what were you going to say to her? Well, I was going to say, "Lucy, do you want to come back home" "and we'll see how things go for a bit?" So, basically, you're offering to sleep with her.
Well, yes, but That's not much of an offer.
Speak for yourself.
Lucy wants the full nine yards.
All right, it's not that much.
She wants it all.
How do you know? Cos Lucy tells Anna, and then Anna tells me later.
Why are you so interested? God, I didn't say I was interested.
You'll find this out when you get married.
This is stuff you get told.
In great detail.
Do you know how many words women say every day? No? No, no-one does.
You lose count when you get to about a million, and then you finish your breakfast.
I'm telling you, Lucy wants the lot.
Marriage, house, garden, kids.
I like gardens! Marriage is a wonderful experience.
Says you.
You're always moaning about Anna.
Yeah, well, I'm not asking you to marry my wife, am I? Or run off with her.
Or even just take her away for a few weeks.
I'm talking about Lucy.
Yes, but you didn't just say marriage, did you? It's all the other things.
Like kids.
Kids are great.
Sure, there are nappies and sleepless nights, but it's all worth it.
How's it worth it? It's worth it because every time you look into that baby's eyes, you feel this huge, overwhelming sense of.
.
worry.
Worry? Oh, sorry, I'm not exactly selling it, am I? Selling it? I wouldn't even rent it.
What are you waiting for? I am waiting for the good bits.
Well there are some very encouraging tax incentives.
I know what you're doing here.
You are trying to put me off to help your cousin.
No, I'm not.
I'm trying to show you how great marriage can be.
But you don't need me to tell you.
You've seen enough married couples in your life.
What about your parents? That's what puts me off.
I've got no good memories of them at all.
All I remember is sitting on the stairs listening to them argue.
What about? About why we couldn't afford chairs.
HE SIGHS It's just not me, is it? Marriage, kids, commitment.
So what are you going to do now? Just try and scupper every relationship that Lucy has? No, of course not.
Text your cousin.
And say what? Tell him to go for the jugular.
I don't mean try and kill her.
Suggest to him that he offers her that trip to Naples and say she's been talking about him all the time to me.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Like you say, who am I to get in the way of Lucy's happiness? If you're certain.
That's very noble of you, Lee.
It's like that bit at the end of Casablanca where Humphrey Bogart texts Ingrid Bergman.
TEXT MESSAGE SENDING Which poet was it who said, "Of all sad words of tongue and pen," "The saddest are these: 'It might have been!'" I don't know, but I thought it was put better by the poet Jim Bowen when he said, "Let's have a look what you could have won.
" I'd better see if Anna's ready yet.
That was quick.
I know.
Things suddenly started to move really quickly.
I had to come away to compose myself.
This company don't hang about.
Company, right.
So did they offer you anything? Sort of.
They want me to go to Naples this weekend.
I think to kind of cement the deal.
And? What did you say? Well, it would take me away from the flat.
Away from everything I've got here.
But it's a big opportunity.
It could be life-changing.
Not something I could turn down lightly.
So what did you say? I said yes.
So you mean "yes" you turned it down? Or "yes" you're going? Yes, I'm going.
Oh.
Well, you've got to move on in life.
And there's nothing for me back here, is there? Anyway, I've got a lot to sort out, so I'd better go.
Don't go.
Sorry? I don't want you to go to Naples.
I want you to stay here with me.
Because I love you.
If this backfires, can we pretend I'm pissed? I can't believe you started drinking before I got here.
I've hardly had anything.
So why do you smell like a wino's trousers? Oh, for God's sake.
Look at Romeo and Juliet.
Do you know how vomit-making you two look, gazing into each other's eyes like a pair of lovesick puppies? Will you please put us all out of our misery and just become a couple? Will you marry me? Jesus.
I wish everyone paid that much attention to what I tell them.
That is unfair.
When you told me to propose, I did so, immediately.
I'll take that as a yes.
Yes! Lucy? Lucy, glad I've caught you.
You left your contracts in the restaurant.
Oh, I don't need them, thanks.
I've decided against Naples and the whole deal.
I want to stay here.
You don't look much like a man to me.
You need to work on your chat-up lines, sweetheart.
Where's Carl? Who's Carl? Toby's cousin.
Toby's only got one cousin.
She's called Natasha and she's eight years old.
Get the champagne in, Toby.
Sounds like we're celebrating.
What's going on? I knew it was a business meeting all along, and I knew it involved Naples.
So when Lucy left, I just waxed lyrical and made the rest up on the spot.
So Carl doesn't exist? No.
I got to quite like him, though.
That's funny, cos I still want to punch him in the tits! So what about all that phone business? What was that, Angry Birds? I was texting Anna.
So, yes.
So why did you do it? Because I knew you want to be with Lucy.
You just needed a kick up the arse.
And I hate seeing you on your own.
Why? Because then I have to talk to you.
I went to the restaurant like you asked, to spy on Lucy.
I'm afraid she's having a secret lesbian affair.
So, any more lies? Toby! Are you getting this bloody champagne or what? Only the bit where I said marriage was a good idea.
It's actually a total, unrelenting nightmare.
We're not going out Not staying in Just hanging around with my head in a spin But there is no need to scream and shout We're not going out We are not going out.
What are you doing here all alone? Is it wrong for a woman to be sat on her own at the bar? AT the bar? With those shoulder pads, I thought you WERE the bar.
Are you shrugging that comment off? I can't tell.
I just popped in for a bit of Dutch courage.
I've got a very important meeting at the restaurant next door.
Kind of job interview.
Oh, right.
Do the Dallas Cowboys need a new quarterback, then? Will you stop going on about the coat? This could be a big deal for me, Lee.
Very big.
Do you understand? OK.
I understand.
You've got a lot on your shoulders.
Great, thanks for the confidence boost.
It was just a joke.
Yeah, it's always a joke, isn't it? Why do you never pay me compliments? I do.
When? Last night.
I thought you looked very nice.
Well, why didn't you say? Because I didn't know how you'd respond.
What's the worst I could have said? "It's three o'clock in the morning.
Get out of my bedroom, Lee"? You just can't do it, can you? Yes, I can.
Go on, then, give me a compliment.
All right.
Your skin looks clear.
I said a compliment, not a check-up.
All right, what about this? Your eyes look nice.
Why do they look nice? Because your eyelashes look like two tiny little crows that have crashed into the windscreen of your face.
I'm going to be late.
I'll probably still be here later, so why don't you join me for a drink? You can have some peanuts.
You'll like them, they're complimentary.
Actually, I'd rather not.
I just feel like sometimes we live in each other's pockets, Lee.
Which is fine if you're married, or a couple, but we're not, are we? We're just flatmates.
I think we need to start doing our own thing a bit more.
After all, we may be seeing a lot less of each other if things come off.
Surely if things come off, we'll be seeing more of each other.
I mean the job.
It'll mean me not being around as much.
In fact, hardly at all.
Anyway.
Wish me luck.
Break a leg.
With the weight of those shoulder pads, you probably will.
What are you doing here all alone? Still, at least you're drinking like a real man.
Fancy another rose? It's Lucy's.
She's just left.
Something you said? Something I did.
Bitter? No, I'd never bite her.
Oh.
No, I'm fine.
So, er, where's Anna tonight? She's not ready.
You know what women are like.
She has to try on 11 different outfits before she can leave and then she says she looks too fat.
Probably because she's wearing Can I ask you something? Does Anna ever suggest that you two spend less time together? No.
We love each other's company.
You mean she won't let you out of her sight.
She's practically got a tracker chip in you.
It's not a tracker chip.
It's just an app on her phone that blinks when I move.
Anyway, why do you ask? Oh, no reason.
Just something Lucy said.
But you're not even a couple.
Although I must admit, I thought you were when we first met.
Oh? Why did you think that? Oh, I don't know, man and woman living together.
Then I noticed the arguments.
The sarcasm.
The way she looks embarrassed by you all the time.
Then I assumed you were married.
No, she's just my landlady.
So there's never been anything more between you? How do you mean? Well, you know the phrase - friends with benefits.
No, we're just friends.
Although I am on benefits.
Never even come close? You know, sharing a flat with someone young and attractive, walking round in skimpy underwear, she's going to get tempted.
But no.
What about the future? Do you think anything might happen? Just between me and you.
You'd have to buy me a lot more drinks before anything happened just between me and you.
You know what I mean.
Between you and Lucy.
And there isn't even the slightest chance that you might both be in denial about how you really feel? No, she's like the sister I never had.
There's no secret feelings or denial.
OK? I knew it! I told Anna she was completely wrong about all of that.
All of what? Anna's got this theory that you and Lucy act like there's nothing going on between you, whereas really, there is this powerful latent energy that will one day result in emotional and sexual fusion.
I feel like I've phoned Babestation but Stephen Hawking's picked up.
So, er what made Anna think that? Was it, er something Lucy said? No, I don't think so.
But it doesn't matter, does it? Cos you just told me you weren't interested and never will be.
Exactly.
Good.
That's what I said to Anna.
I said "Lee's not interested, so he won't be bothered" "that we've set up Lucy up on this date tonight.
" Anyway, can we now please move on? Did you see that documentary about the assassination of JFK the other night? Sorry, what date? Ooh, now you're asking.
November 22nd, 1963.
No-one told me about that.
I think it's fairly well documented.
I mean Lucy, tonight.
Oh, yeah, she's on a date next door.
She told me it was a business meeting.
Oh, I wonder why she lied? So, er who is he, then? He's my cousin, Carl.
You've set her up with your cousin? I know up north you prefer to date your own cousins, but I like to mix it up a bit.
So what does he do? This Carl.
He's a fully qualified barrister.
Oh, yeah? Starbucks or Costa? No, Lee, the type who charge serious money for their services.
Oh, Caffe Nero.
He's wealthy, is he? Yeah.
But, you know, money is no guarantee of happiness.
He needs to find someone to share it with.
All alone in his great big mansion.
Driving around in his Ferrari.
Doesn't that damage the carpets? But he still finds time for all his charity work, though.
He's just back from climbing Kilimanjaro for the Guide Dogs.
Did he find any? MOBILE BEEPS Carl's just texted me.
What does it say? "What a knockout.
" Lucy's probably floored him with her shoulder pads.
Lucy could be so good for Carl.
I've got really high hopes for this thing.
Hang on.
Back up a minute, Cupid.
It's only a blind date.
Lucy might not like him.
It's not exactly a blind date.
They've been e-mailing each other for months, Facebooking, texting, Skyping.
It's not like when you meet a girl, Lee, and she looks nothing like she did on the card in the phone box.
It still might not mean there's any chemistry when they meet in person.
I read a thing that said between a man and a woman is based on smell.
Probably more in your case.
I'm just saying, let's not get carried away.
Things might not progress.
I've just told you, it already has progressed.
On social media.
He's already talked about inviting her to his place in Naples.
I said Naples was a bit much.
Start with the mews house in Belgravia and then at the weekend, surprise her with a trip to the villa.
Oh, right, he's got a season ticket, has he? Do you know what, I'd better give Anna a call.
See if I've got time for another pint and pretend it's still my first.
Well, that's the advantage of being single, mate.
I could get cirrhosis of the liver and no-one would bat an eyelid! You can't get cirrhosis if you're under 60.
Oh, good, it's you.
No, hang on, not cirrhosis.
What am I thinking of? B&Q discount card.
Why aren't you with Lucy? We're not joined at the hip.
Of course we're joined at the hip.
Or else our legs would fall off.
She's at the restaurant next door.
On a date with a bloke she's never mentioned.
Do you know about him? The honest answer? No, the made-up answer(!) Yes, I did know about him.
It's early days, but she thinks he's the one, and they've been picking out names for children and everything.
Really? No.
That was the made-up answer.
And the honest answer? Never heard of him.
Do me a favour.
Can you sort of casually walk by the restaurant and check out what's happening? You want me to spy on them? Well, "spy" is a big word, Daisy.
No, it's not.
Unless it's written big, like "SPY!" OK.
I'll go and stand outside and read the non-verbals.
That's how people really communicate.
Believe it or not, what I actually say to you contains very little information.
Great news.
Anna's not ready yet, so I can sneak in another half.
You all right? You've been a bit edgy since I mentioned Lucy's date.
Look, I don't want to tread on any toes here, Lee.
If there is anything going on between you and Lucy, now is the time to say.
I'll just text Carl and I'll tell him to back off.
Why would he listen to you? I dunno.
He just would.
Something doesn't ring true about all this.
You conveniently appear at the bar the second that Lucy leaves, then you ask me loads of questions about me and her, and now you're telling me you can stop this date just by sending a text.
What's going on? OK.
Carl asked me to help him.
Help him with what? Carl really likes Lucy, but he's got this feeling that she likes someone else.
I said it might be you.
So he persuaded me to casually bump into you this evening and do a bit of fishing.
If I find out there is anything going on between the two of you, I text him so he doesn't waste any more of his time.
What kind of a man asks someone to spy on a person? I should go next door and punch him in the face! He's six foot four.
Well, I should go next door and punch him in the tits! So? What? Is there anything going on between you and Lucy? Because if you have even the slightest feeling for her, this might be your last chance to finally admit it.
I've just told you, no.
Right, OK.
That's fine.
Great.
She can just carry on with her date.
You don't want to worry about Carl.
He's a very lovely man.
Charming.
Sweet.
All the women love him.
And by all accounts, he's a very gentle lover.
All right, I do like her, all right? Happy? I thought you said she was like the sister you never had.
Well, she's more like the Sister you'd quite like to have? Why didn't you tell me before? Because it was none of your business.
But now it is my business, because you want me to put Carl off? Yeah, but I don't want Lucy finding out what I've just told you, OK? Does she feel the same way about you? Maybe.
I'm not telling Carl to back off on a "maybe".
OK.
Definitely.
She likes me too.
For sure.
Prove it.
She sometimes does things that could be considered as flirtatious.
Like what? Last night she offered me a bit of flapjack.
Unless that's a euphemism, that's not flirting.
OK.
Sometimes she runs me a bath.
That could be seen as flirtatious.
Or it could be called dropping a hint.
That isn't enough evidence, Lee.
I'm going to tell him to go for it.
Please, don't.
Just lie to him.
Tell him you have found out there's something between me and Lucy.
And that he should back off.
And why would I do that? Because we're mates.
And you want to help me.
Because you like me.
Keep going, I'll tell you when you've got something.
He's my cousin.
He might be your cousin, but I'm not your cousin.
What does that mean? I don't know, I'm panicking! Look, my fate might be in your hands.
I am opening up to you here.
I'm telling you I really like Lucy.
I've never told anyone that before.
So please just give me a chance.
I'm begging you.
OK, I'll tell him to back off.
I'll tell him there's someone else on the scene.
Thanks, Toby.
Well, I'm not doing it just for you.
If there is even the slightest chance that something might happen between you and Lucy, I'm not having Carl getting hurt.
I'm not having him getting involved in some accidental menage a trois.
That's French for three people being involved.
I know what it means.
And I don't want three people being involved any more than you do.
I very much just want it to be mange tout.
MOBILE BEEPS He's sent me a text already.
What does it say? "I suspect you may be right.
" "She obviously has feelings for her flatmate.
" "She keeps on mentioning him.
" "She says her feelings are contradictory," "sometimes ambivalent, but at other times," "she has a powerful yearning to connect.
" He's put that? Course he hasn't, it's a text message.
It says "OK".
Anyway, he's backing off, so you've got what you wanted.
LEE SIGHS Thanks, Toby.
It's appreciated.
Do you want another drink? What if Anna smells all this booze on my breath? I've got mints.
She'll see through that.
I know, they're Polos.
So when are you going to do it? Do what? Tell Lucy how you feel about her? Well er you know.
No rush, is there? I've got to plan my approach.
She's a woman, she's not a runway.
I have cleared a path for you.
There is an old Chinese proverb, "When the path is clearest, danger is closest.
" Who said that? Confucius? Actually, it was Kung Fu Panda.
Just tell her! And how am I supposed to do that? I dunno.
Wait until playtime and slip a note into her satchel(?) You're unbelievable.
How long have you known each other? I'm guessing four, maybe five months and you haven't done anything.
Oh, don't tell me it's been longer than that.
A bit longer.
How much longer? Six or seven years.
Seven years! My God, you really could have slipped a note into her satchel! My nan had a gallstone that moved more quickly than you.
OK, so I take my time.
But which is the fastest, the hare or the tortoise? The hare is the fastest, and it has more sex.
What are you doing? I'm giving Carl some better advice.
You are clearly never going to do anything about you and Lucy, so I don't see why I should ruin Carl's chance of happiness, or Lucy's, for that matter.
What have you said to him? I've told him I made a mistake last time.
That there is definitely no-one else on the scene and that he should go for it.
Send him another one and tell him to back off again.
No chance.
I don't see why other people's lives should be affected because of your inaction.
You're talking like Lucy doesn't even get a say in this.
Yeah? But she might not even like him.
Or she may be gazing into his eyes, and in her head, an orchestra might be playing the theme to Dr Zhivago.
Yeah, or in her head, she might be hearing that Radiohead song, You're A Creep.
Or she might be hearing that Tina Turner song, You're Simply The Best.
Yeah.
Or she might be hearing that Rolling Stones song, I Thought You Seemed So Good On Facebook, But Your Breath Smells Like A Tramp's Cock.
All right, I made that one up.
MOBILE BEEPS Interesting.
What? What does it say? It doesn't say anything.
It's a smiley face.
Whose face? Lucy's? What's he doing to her? It's not an actual face.
It's a colon.
He really is a fast mover, isn't he? It means message received and understood.
Oh, great! Don't take it out on me.
Lucy might have been yours if you'd had the guts to tell her a long time ago.
It's not my fault that Carl is sitting there telling her he wants to be with her.
But I want to be with her! Why? Come on.
What is it you like about her? Lots of things.
Some of them just silly little things.
And those are the things you should have told her.
Women love it when you notice the little things about them.
Come on, what things? I don't know.
Things like the sweet little hair she's got on her top lip.
The little patch of eczema she's got on the side of her neck.
The way that cute bit of skin hangs down below her arms.
Actually, maybe you were right not to tell her those specific things.
Yeah, well, I think those things are nice.
And that's why I love her.
Congratulations, you've finally said it.
To the wrong person, seven years too late.
Well, maybe it's not too late.
I'm going to tell her right now.
In front of all those people in the restaurant.
Including Carl.
Really? Yeah.
What have I got to lose? We are talking like it's down to me and Carl who she ends up with.
But it's not.
It's down to her.
And by telling her I love her, at least I'm in with a fighting chance.
OK, maybe you're right.
Go for it.
May the best man win.
Oh, I knew you'd take his side.
I'm not taking sides, Lee.
If you love her, you tell her! Damn right! You tell her that she's the only woman for you! Absolutely! You tell her that you want to spend the rest of your life with her! I will.
I bloody will! You say to her that you want it all.
Marriage, kids.
The lot! What? I never said anything about marriage.
Well, what were you going to say to her? Well, I was going to say, "Lucy, do you want to come back home" "and we'll see how things go for a bit?" So, basically, you're offering to sleep with her.
Well, yes, but That's not much of an offer.
Speak for yourself.
Lucy wants the full nine yards.
All right, it's not that much.
She wants it all.
How do you know? Cos Lucy tells Anna, and then Anna tells me later.
Why are you so interested? God, I didn't say I was interested.
You'll find this out when you get married.
This is stuff you get told.
In great detail.
Do you know how many words women say every day? No? No, no-one does.
You lose count when you get to about a million, and then you finish your breakfast.
I'm telling you, Lucy wants the lot.
Marriage, house, garden, kids.
I like gardens! Marriage is a wonderful experience.
Says you.
You're always moaning about Anna.
Yeah, well, I'm not asking you to marry my wife, am I? Or run off with her.
Or even just take her away for a few weeks.
I'm talking about Lucy.
Yes, but you didn't just say marriage, did you? It's all the other things.
Like kids.
Kids are great.
Sure, there are nappies and sleepless nights, but it's all worth it.
How's it worth it? It's worth it because every time you look into that baby's eyes, you feel this huge, overwhelming sense of.
.
worry.
Worry? Oh, sorry, I'm not exactly selling it, am I? Selling it? I wouldn't even rent it.
What are you waiting for? I am waiting for the good bits.
Well there are some very encouraging tax incentives.
I know what you're doing here.
You are trying to put me off to help your cousin.
No, I'm not.
I'm trying to show you how great marriage can be.
But you don't need me to tell you.
You've seen enough married couples in your life.
What about your parents? That's what puts me off.
I've got no good memories of them at all.
All I remember is sitting on the stairs listening to them argue.
What about? About why we couldn't afford chairs.
HE SIGHS It's just not me, is it? Marriage, kids, commitment.
So what are you going to do now? Just try and scupper every relationship that Lucy has? No, of course not.
Text your cousin.
And say what? Tell him to go for the jugular.
I don't mean try and kill her.
Suggest to him that he offers her that trip to Naples and say she's been talking about him all the time to me.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Like you say, who am I to get in the way of Lucy's happiness? If you're certain.
That's very noble of you, Lee.
It's like that bit at the end of Casablanca where Humphrey Bogart texts Ingrid Bergman.
TEXT MESSAGE SENDING Which poet was it who said, "Of all sad words of tongue and pen," "The saddest are these: 'It might have been!'" I don't know, but I thought it was put better by the poet Jim Bowen when he said, "Let's have a look what you could have won.
" I'd better see if Anna's ready yet.
That was quick.
I know.
Things suddenly started to move really quickly.
I had to come away to compose myself.
This company don't hang about.
Company, right.
So did they offer you anything? Sort of.
They want me to go to Naples this weekend.
I think to kind of cement the deal.
And? What did you say? Well, it would take me away from the flat.
Away from everything I've got here.
But it's a big opportunity.
It could be life-changing.
Not something I could turn down lightly.
So what did you say? I said yes.
So you mean "yes" you turned it down? Or "yes" you're going? Yes, I'm going.
Oh.
Well, you've got to move on in life.
And there's nothing for me back here, is there? Anyway, I've got a lot to sort out, so I'd better go.
Don't go.
Sorry? I don't want you to go to Naples.
I want you to stay here with me.
Because I love you.
If this backfires, can we pretend I'm pissed? I can't believe you started drinking before I got here.
I've hardly had anything.
So why do you smell like a wino's trousers? Oh, for God's sake.
Look at Romeo and Juliet.
Do you know how vomit-making you two look, gazing into each other's eyes like a pair of lovesick puppies? Will you please put us all out of our misery and just become a couple? Will you marry me? Jesus.
I wish everyone paid that much attention to what I tell them.
That is unfair.
When you told me to propose, I did so, immediately.
I'll take that as a yes.
Yes! Lucy? Lucy, glad I've caught you.
You left your contracts in the restaurant.
Oh, I don't need them, thanks.
I've decided against Naples and the whole deal.
I want to stay here.
You don't look much like a man to me.
You need to work on your chat-up lines, sweetheart.
Where's Carl? Who's Carl? Toby's cousin.
Toby's only got one cousin.
She's called Natasha and she's eight years old.
Get the champagne in, Toby.
Sounds like we're celebrating.
What's going on? I knew it was a business meeting all along, and I knew it involved Naples.
So when Lucy left, I just waxed lyrical and made the rest up on the spot.
So Carl doesn't exist? No.
I got to quite like him, though.
That's funny, cos I still want to punch him in the tits! So what about all that phone business? What was that, Angry Birds? I was texting Anna.
So, yes.
So why did you do it? Because I knew you want to be with Lucy.
You just needed a kick up the arse.
And I hate seeing you on your own.
Why? Because then I have to talk to you.
I went to the restaurant like you asked, to spy on Lucy.
I'm afraid she's having a secret lesbian affair.
So, any more lies? Toby! Are you getting this bloody champagne or what? Only the bit where I said marriage was a good idea.
It's actually a total, unrelenting nightmare.
We're not going out Not staying in Just hanging around with my head in a spin But there is no need to scream and shout We're not going out We are not going out.