Only Fools and Horses (1981) s07e09 Episode Script

# Stick a pony in me pocket # Ill fetch the suitcase from the van # Cause if you want the best uns # But you dont ask questions Then, brother, Im your man # Cause where it all comes from is a mystery # Its like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea # But heres the one thats driving me berserk # Why do only fools and horses work? # La-la la-la la # La-la la-la la # La-la la-la la la # (MUSIC: MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYB0DY BY SLADE) # Look to the future now # Its only just begun # So here it is, Merry Christmas # Everybodys having fun # Look to the future now # Its only just begun # So here it is, Merry Christmas # Everybodys having fun # Look to the future now # (CHILLING MUSIC PLAYS) (RADIO) # So her.
E i't i's, Mer.
Ry Chr.
I'stmas # - What time is it? - Time for us to emigrate.
- 0r at least discuss a suicide pact.
- How are we feeling this morning? Great.
How else could I feel? Im 31 and I work for Trotters Independent Traders.
Some people would love to be in your position.
I know.
Theyre all tucked up safe and sound in their padded cells! You seem a bit more cheerful than yesterday.
You should come to Trotter Towers with me one morning.
Itd give Terry Waite the shakes.
You cant move for teething rings, Farley rusks and funny smells.
Its like Nightmare on Sesame Street.
Raquels got post-natal depression, Alberts got post-naval depression and Damien chucks toys at my head.
- You big baby.
Theyre only fluffy dolls.
- I know.
Dels bought him a Tonka toy for Christmas.
- How is Del now? - Hes still putting a brave face on it.
Laughing and joking all the time.
Hes worrying the life out of me.
We havent bought or sold a thing in months and hes running round like Ken Dodd on Ecstasy! Maybe its just the recession.
Were broke and he wont admit it.
- A lot of people are in the same boat.
- Youre all right.
- What does that mean? - Youve got your promotion.
Im in charge of small-business investment at Peckham.
Its hardly the House of Elliot! At least youve done something.
Im just me.
Youll do for me, big boy.
- Id better make the coffee.
- No.
Stay here a while.
- You know what Id like to do? - No.
Id like us to go away for a weekend.
Somewhere really nice.
Just the two of us.
I know we cant afford it now, but I get a bonus soon.
Maybe then, eh? Yeah.
Im sorry, Cass.
Ive been feeling down, a bit pressurised.
Thats why Ive been a bit lacking in certain areas recently.
I understand.
Thats why I want us to go away - so you can relax.
- Is that nice? - Really good.
- (PH0NE RINGS) - Dont answer it.
Its Del.
Thats his ring.
- Its seven in the morning! - That dont matter to Del.
- Sleeps for wimps, remember? - It could be Mummy.
She might be ill.
- Still dont answer it.
- Dont be ridiculous! Hello? Morning, Del.
- I left five minutes ago.
- No.
He left five minutes ago.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Well, I know hes your brother.
I know Rodneys worried about you as well.
Look, it happens to a lot of men when theyre under stress! - I dont believe him! - Well, arent you the lucky one?! Have I got a what? No! And I wouldnt know where to get one! Tell him to mind his own bloody! Roddys just popped back.
No, hes left again.
Yeah.
All right.
Thanks, Del.
Bonjour Bye.
Toast and marmalade? (SN0RING) Rodney, any tea in the pot? - Yeah.
Plenty.
- Thank you.
There you are, darling.
(RADl0 PLAYS: CR0C0DILE R0CK BY ELT0N J0HN) - Is that the radio? - No.
Elton Johns popped in.
Hes in the kitchen.
- Any tea in the pot, Rodney? - No, its empty.
Call that music? Its a bloody racket.
Thats all you youngsters are interested in.
Noise! - Didnt your generation ever enjoy itself? - When I was your age, I was fighting in a war! You must have made more bloody noise than me, then! - 0h, gawd! - (RADl00FF) Hello, soldier! How are you? Youre a little cracker, arent you? I cant imagine this flat without Damien, can you? No.
Little devil.
- You all right, Rodney? - Yeah.
Fine.
- No.
I mean, you all right? - Yes! Everythings all right.
- All right, then.
- Whats wrong? Nothing, sweetheart.
Everything is cushty between Rodders and Cassandra.
Just a bit of stress.
It can happen to any man.
I just happen to be a bit lucky.
Do us a bit of breakfast, sweetheart.
Dont you think Ive got enough to do? The baby to feed, the old man of the sea moaning cause his egg was runny, beds to make, hoovering, washing, ironing and I finish in time to cook dinner.
Do it yourself, Trotter! Albert, you can feed the baby.
I dont know whats the matter with her.
I keep asking her but she wont tell me.
Come on.
I dont know.
What more does she want? Shes got a nice home, lovely little baby.
Couldnt ask for a better bloke than me.
- No.
- No.
Is she happy? No, she is not.
I dont know, Rodney.
Im down that casino every night till the early hours trying to win us some money.
If she knew how much I owed them, shed realise how hard Ive been trying! Doesnt seem to be happy these days.
Maybe its these days that are the problem.
Theres nothing for her to look forward to.
Just a daily round of washing, ironing and boredom.
Youve got to take the rough with the smooth.
Itll get rougher before the end of the year.
Lets have this out in the open.
I want the truth.
- Somethings going on.
Ive a right to know what.
- Everythings all right, Rodney.
We got no money and our future is about as bright as a Yugoslavian tour operators! - But everythings cushty.
- Theres something else, Del.
Youve lost that zip.
The old Derek Trotter could smell a fiver in a force-nine gale.
They used to say if Del fell into a vipers pit, hed come up wearing snakeskin shoes.
You seem to have lost something.
Its like youre carrying a burden.
Maybe thats affecting Raquel.
Its affecting me.
- I aint taking the blame for that thing! - Will you shut up? If you dont tell me whats going on, Im gonna I dont know what Im gonna do, but I should know.
Youre right, Rodney.
I cant keep anything from you, can I? Do you remember I applied to the council to buy this flat? What with the local council elections, it got put to one side and I forgot about it.
That was until a few days ago.
0ut of the blue, all my paperwork has come through.
I own this flat.
Ive worked it out.
The mortgage is two and a half times the rent and I cant afford the rent! - Thats whats upset Raquel? - No.
I havent told her yet.
- And we also get Grandads old allotment.
- Not that? Yeah, that.
What do I want with an allotment? No ones been near it for yonks.
More people have walked on the moon than they have on that allotment! Honestly, an allotment.
It makes you sick, dont it? I feel like a mosquito whos caught malaria.
Del Little sod threw his breakfast all over me.
What a surprise.
Come here.
- Ill feed him.
- Raquels taken him to have a nap.
- Puts you right off.
- Nothing worse than Weetabix in a beard.
Sauce? Its all going right down the tubes.
Ive got to get some money.
Its getting on top of me, bruv.
Im cracking up.
Thanks, bruv.
Come and have a sit down and listen to me.
There was this bloke I used to know at evening school.
He reminded me of you.
He was a really bright, dynamic, go-ahead bloke.
But in other ways he reminded me of you.
He was the kind whod take a gamble, live on the edge.
Anyway, he found what youre always looking for - a gap in the market.
- A gap in the warehouse doord suit me! - Myles, his name was.
- Myles? - Yeah.
Bit of a Friend of the Earth.
- Liked natural food.
Grew his own vegetables.
- He certainly sounds the dynamic sort.
Dont knock it.
Its a massive market.
More and more people are turning to health food for their health.
Myles noticed that if he wanted to buy a bag of natural fertiliser, he had to go to a specialist garden centre.
But if he wanted some organic vegetables, he had to go to a health food shop.
So he had the idea of combining the two entities.
natural fertiliser and health food.
He now owns four and hes opening a new one in Maidenhead.
Maidenhead? In two and a half years he has become a millionaire.
- Millionaire? - At least.
- And? - And what? Well, whats in it for us? No.
Im not talking about that.
Im just saying where do we come in? Nowhere.
What did you tell me for, then? To point out that even in a recession, some people are doing well.
So it was just a nice little story, was it? Thats like the parable of the lucky git.
Thats cheered me right up! Ive got to go and tell Raquel this one.
Raquel, come and listen to Rodneys story about some mush whos doing really well! Hes made a couple of million, apparently.
Its warmed the cockles of my heart! Im just going to punch Rodney on the nose and then Im off out! - 0h, dear! - I wish Id kept my mouth shut.
Where are you going today, darling? I dont know.
Mooch about, make us a bit of poppy.
Ive got a much better idea.
Why dont you go down and sort out your allotment? This arrived from the council.
- Its a summons.
- A summons? People have been dumping rubbish on your allotment.
Its now an environmental health hazard.
Youve got two weeks to clear it up or go to court.
- They mention a possible custodial sentence.
- Theres a thing.
Are you going to tell me what the hells happening? Youve spoiled the moment now.
- I was going to tell you tonight.
- What? - Ill tell you tonight.
- Now! - Its about the flat.
- What about it? Its ours.
Ive bought it.
- 0h, good! - Ill get some champagne to celebrate.
Not for me.
I feel light-headed already.
Its ours.
We can do what we like with it.
Like what? Add a conservatory or a nice patio? - At least weve got a roof over our heads.
- And 14 other families! Im going to change the babys nappy.
(D00R SLAMS) - I think shes really excited about it.
- Who wouldnt be? Yeah.
Ill go and calm her down a bit.
You all right, sweetheart? All right, Raquel.
I dont blame you for having the rats.
Its enough to give Harry Secombe the hump.
But Ill soon have some cash on the hip.
- You think this is about money? - What is it about? God! I havent been out of this flat for months.
- You go shopping three times a week.
- Not shopping.
I mean going out.
And last year I decorated our babys room.
- Blinding job you made of it.
- Thank you.
You got some carpet.
- It didnt fit, but - Im on the lookout.
And our baby had his own room - warm, cosy, safe.
Then three months ago you moved Damien in with us and filled his room with junk! That is not junk, Raquel.
That is my stock.
- Same thing.
- Raquel, you dont seem to understand.
Someone broke into the garage and nicked half my junk stock.
Thats why I brought the rest up here.
Del, hasnt it dawned on you yet? All you have in that room is what the thieves left behind.
How the hell do you hope to sell it when burglars wouldnt take it for free?! Fashion changes so fast in the pop world, I was taken unawares.
I bought these on the Thursday and by Saturday he was out on parole.
How was I to know that? Charles and Di wedding plates.
Nothing that a good sorting-out wouldnt cure.
Nine-carat identity bracelet inscribed with Gary.
We got a box of mens wigs that you bought before Damien was born.
all on Betamax.
Clear it out, Del.
Dump it on your allotment.
Give the room back to our baby.
But whos to say I wont sell all this tomorrow? What are the chances of you meeting a bald, anti-apartheid, diving Bros fan who has a Betamax video, likes Romanian Riesling and whose name is Gary?! All right.
Ill clear it out.
That would cheer me up.
Ill be a happy woman again.
Yeah.
You wait till you see our mortgage.
Dear Lord, please let me prove to you that wealth wont spoil me.
- Raquel said to help you clear this room.
- Thats right.
Were gonna get rid of it.
Make a clean start.
- Not the wine? You could flog that to Mike.
- No, I cant.
Hes a good friend.
- And hes tasted it.
- Yeah.
What did you buy that thing for? It was for you, so you could go down and visit all the ships that you sailed in! I read in some Sunday supplement that diving was all the go with yuppies.
- They meant scuba - Uh? - Dont matter.
- Seems a shame to throw it all away.
We cant put it in the garage.
It aint safe.
- What about Grandads shed? - What shed? The one on his allotment - your allotment.
Yeah.
Youre right.
We could pug it all away in there.
Tell you what well do.
Ill go and open the van.
You two bring all this stuff down.
- What do you reckon, then? - What do I reckon? The last time I saw a place like this was in that film Gorillas In The Mist! Its a jungle.
Gawd knows what lives in there.
- Del! - Gordon Bennett! Albert, you nearly gave me a connery! I could have sworn I saw a blowpipe and a poison dart.
Have you seen all that rubbish thats been dumped round there? This is ruining my shoes Gawd, look at this lot! - Dear, oh dear.
What are these drums doing? - I dont know, but theyre full.
- I wonder whats in them.
- Theres one open here.
Some sort of yellow stuff.
Gor blimey! Smell that.
- What is that? - I dont know.
It could be toxic.
Yeah.
Could be bloody poisonous an all.
Del Boy! Dave! Do you fancy sweeping this lot up? - Im not a road sweeper any more.
- What are you? A piano tuner? - Im an environmental hygienist.
- What do they do? They sweep the roads.
- The council have upgraded me.
- Perhaps Trigger knows what this is.
Trigger couldnt find his way out of a telephone box! He may have come across it on his rounds.
Have a look, Trig.
(SNIFFS) Its some sort of yellow stuff.
- You were bloody right.
Hes got it spot on.
- No hesitation.
You have got to get rid of this stuff.
This is the environmental health hazard.
Well pour it down the drain, then.
You cant pour it down a sewer! It might be volatile.
You could have sh You could create a disaster area.
Theres a 24-hour waste-disposal depot down Stanford Road.
Thats a good idea.
Thanks, Trig.
- We can get these in the back of the van.
- No.
How am I going to get rid of them, then? - (H0RN H0NKS) - Del Boy! Rodney! Denzil.
Denzil, lets get these drums in the back of your van.
Ang on, not so fast.
What are these things? Its nothing to worry about.
Its just some gunge.
Gunge? What sort of gunge? What sort of gunge? Gunge is gunge, innit? Hang on, Trig.
For all we know, this could be anything.
It could be Concorde fuel.
No, its not Concorde fuel.
Its antifreeze out of the Starship Enterprise.
Itll be battery acid out of Thunderbird Three next! Look, do you want this contract or not, because I am a busy man, right? Ive got things to do.
How can we be certain that this stuff isnt dangerous? Because it is not and that is the truth! Cor dear! Youve heard it from the horses mouth.
Get that end.
What do you mean? Thats Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein! Del knows what hes talking about.
And whats the Beatles manager got to do with it? What? When we was at school, Del was the best at chemistry.
He used to make fireworks.
He blew up the science lab.
Yes, I remember.
I was doing detention in there at the time! And he dont know what hes talking about? - Thats it, Del.
I am not touching them! - Denzil! Its harmless.
To prove it, Ill help you carry it.
I cant say fairer than that, can I? - It cant be dangerous.
- How can you be sure? Cause Dels just offered to help us carry em.
Yeah.
All right, Trig.
Lovely jubbly! - Its closed.
- Well, its a bit late, innit? A bit late? You said it was open 24 hours a day.
Yeah, but not at night.
So what do we do now? Weve got 6,000 gallons of something in the back of my van.
We could take it down the other council depot I worked at.
- Is it open? - No.
Whats the point of taking it there if thats not open either? It soon will be open.
Ive got a spare set of keys here.
- Bloody hell! - Are you sure this is all right? - Who cares? - No problem.
- Back up, Denzil.
- But is it legal? Yes! Just back up, will you, Denzil? Stone me! Its bloody hot in here! I cant see the fascination with this diving lark.
There you are.
Arent you glad you listened to me tonight? These are austere times.
If it hadnt been for me, you would have lost a contract.
- I suppose youre right.
- No suppose so about it.
- Right.
Thats 50 quid I owe you.
- 0we me?! Yes.
Im not going to ask you to do this as a favour, even if you want to.
- Yeah, but I thought - Dont try and persuade me, Denzil.
Im going to see you for that money.
Hed do anything for anyone, this bloke.
- Thats what mates are all about.
- Course it is.
Gets you right here.
Youre down in my book, Denzil.
Shant forget tonight.
Same here! Thanks for everything.
See you, Denzil.
See you, Trig.
Night, Del.
- Whats this? - You know that bloke Myles? What, the one whats done really well and become a millionaire in two poxy years? - Yeah.
This is one of his places.
- What are we doing here? - Cassy asked me to get a bit of shopping.
- Shopping? Yeah.
For dinner tonight.
Hey, listen, whats the point of getting married and then doing the shopping yourself? - No wonder you got problems.
- 0i! - Keep your nose out of my business.
- All right.
- Cor blimey, it dont alf pen and ink.
- Sshh! Thats the fertiliser and the manu and the other things.
Every single item has been grown the way nature intended.
for you and Cassandra.
To have dinner knowing everything on your plate was once under a pile of horse shit.
- Ill get the shopping and well be off.
- Hurry up.
You seen the price of these spuds? Yeah.
You pay the extra cause theyre organic.
Theres no E120 additives in these foods.
E120s? What are you talking about, E120s? Before you met Cassandra, you thought an E120 was a bus! Whats this, look? Sprout tops? Look at the price of these carrots.
I tell you Whats this? This is water, innit? Water at 65 pence a bottle?! Mind your own business.
Cassandra and I like it.
Well, well.
Maybe shell like this more.
Its only 72 pence a bottle! Is this what people are spending their money on nowadays? Yeah.
Its one of the few growth industries.
Is it? Is it really? - Rodney! - Myles.
- How are you doing? - Good.
Yourself? Fine.
Myles, this is my brother, Derek.
Del, this is Myles.
- Pleased to meet you, son.
- And you.
What do you think? - In one word: Impressed.
- In one word: Bloody expensive.
- Expensive? - Yeah.
Look at the price of your spuds and carrots, not to mention your sprout tops! Water - 72 pence a bottle? It comes from the most natural sources in Britain - and Switzerland, France and Italy.
Im a founder member of the SWANS Committee.
Swans? Them big white duck things? No, Del.
Its an acronym.
- I was about to say thats an an-acronym.
- And youd have been right.
- Yeah.
What do you feed them on? - Feed what on? Your an-acronyms.
Del, its not a duck or a goose or nothing.
An acronym is a name made out of the initials of another set of words.
Ive got to rush, Rodney.
Its been Its been real.
See ya.
Big bloody ducks! You what? Del, SWANS are the initials of the Spa Water And Natural Spring Committee.
Myles is the vice-president.
He dishes out all the certificates of purity.
Without his signature, none of these companies can sell their goods.
Cant help but admire him.
Hes going places.
With a name like Myles, hes bound to! Cabbage.
- It shows what a bit of hard work can do.
- Gives you a warm feeling, dont it? Whats aching muscles and blisters when youre confronted with a vision like this? I know what you mean, Del.
Look at that, its 12 oclock.
0i, you two! Go and get a bite to eat.
You deserve it.
- Back in an hour, Del.
- No rush, Trig.
- Well never get this finished today.
- Theres always tomorrow.
See you in an hour, then.
Ta-ra.
All right, Dave? - Whats your bloody game? - Whats up? Myles has just phoned to confirm his appointment with you.
Good.
Hes on his way, then.
- Whats your game, Del? - Hm? Nothing, Rodders.
Nothing.
No.
Its just that after our visit to Myless place last week, something happened to me, Rodney.
It came like a blinding flash of light.
It was like It was like St Pauls journey on the road to Tabascus.
These rough hands are gonna feed my woman and my child, Rodney.
- Im a born-again gardener! - Youve never done gardening in your life.
Its been a bit awkward 12 floors up on a tower block! But nows me chance! Del, to you, a King Edward is something you smoke.
The only thing hes ever grown is a beard.
You dont know anything about gardening.
I know, but I know a man who does.
Thats why I gave Myles a bell.
He didnt seem to mind.
No, itd be in his interests.
He can flog you his fertilisers.
Exactly.
He helps me and I help him.
Conseil detat as they say in Grenobles.
- (H0NKING) - Sounds like him now.
Yeah.
Look.
Ship ahoy.
Ship ahoy, Albert.
- Come here.
You know what to do? - Leave it to me, son.
Just a minute.
Dont go overboard.
Nice and easy does it.
All right.
0ff you go.
Myles.
How lovely to see you again.
Beautiful day for sowing a turnip, eh? - Is this it? - Yes.
This is it.
You said you had land.
You were talking about leaving one area to lay fallow.
- No.
Its just an allotment.
- Yes, I can see its an allotment.
The thing is, Im new to all this gardening malarkey and I thought you, being a friend, could advise.
Rodney tells me youre the kiddy for organic swede.
And anything I need will be bought from your garden centre.
Yes.
0K.
Fine.
- Are you working with compost? - No.
I think it must be his pipe.
- No.
Do you have a compost heap? - 0h, I see what you mean.
Not yet, but Im keeping me eye open for one.
Yes.
First we have to ascertain what kind of soil you have.
Well, its Its this.
Its this earthy sort.
There are many varieties of soil, Del.
Theres Theres all sorts, isnt there, Myles? - Whats he doing now? - Hes a gardener.
Hes - What are you actually doing, Myles? - Testing for texture and structure.
Watch it.
Theres a lot of cats round here.
- Its slightly alkali.
- No, thanks.
I had a fry-up earlier on.
Derek, this could take five years to achieve the perfect crop.
Five years? I thought it would take a long time.
Try a cocktail of fish meal, dried blood, mushroom compost and horse and cow manure.
Lovely jubbly! Well have to talk about crop rotation, but the first thing is a good digging over.
- Ill get my kit from the car.
- No.
Albert will get it.
- Whats that? - What? - The water? - 0h, that is That? Thats just the old Peckham spring.
- Rodney, get Myless soil testing kit - No, no.
Wait a minute.
The Peckham spring? I never realised there was a spring in Peckham.
Yes.
Thats why its called the Peckham spring.
It was in the Domesday Book.
We dont know where it comes from, do we? No.
Its certainly sprung up from somewhere.
Fascinating.
A natural urban spring.
This a real discovery.
Is it pure? No, Myles.
Not with alkaline soil.
Ive been drinking that water since I was a nipper.
Never done me any harm.
Dont take no notice of him.
Hes 98 and hes a bit - Hes 98? - Mm.
- Yeah.
Isnt he, Rodney? - Yeah.
But only recently.
Would you mind me taking a sample away for analysis? - What for? - To test its purity.
It aint pure, Myles.
Take my word for it, it aint pure.
I think Rodneys right.
It cant be pure.
It comes right up from the centre of the earth.
Those rocks filter the water of its impurities and give it its life-preserving qualities.
- Minerals, Derek.
- Sorry, you lost me, Myles.
It wont take you long to catch up.
- Derek May I call you Del? - Mais oui.
Lf, and I must emphasise the word if If this water passes our laboratory tests, there is a strong possibility that we could bottle it.
Sorry, Myles.
What do you mean by bottle it.
He means put it into bottles, Del.
I dont expect you to understand the potential of this water, so Ill explain it in simple terms.
You have the source - the Peckham spring.
I have the means of selling it through my stores.
If successful, we could expand to supermarkets and other outlets.
Myles, what youre saying is that we could bottle this water and then sell it? By George, I think hes got it.
Its a possibility.
Depending on the results of our tests.
- I need something to take a sample.
- Theres a bucket here.
No.
It has to be sterilised.
Ill just nip back to the garden centre.
No need, Myles.
I think Ive got the very thing in my briefcase.
Albert? I went down to Mothercare this morning to get my baby a new bottle - a sterilised bottle.
- Will that do? - Just the job.
- How olds the baby? - Nearly two.
Hes slow going on to solids, but were not worried.
Rodney was three and a half before he left the breast.
Albert, fill that up with water from the Peckham spring.
- Dont get any dirt on the bottle.
- Leave it to me.
- I think I should - Myles, you talked about crop rotation.
Does that mean Ive got to dig up my spuds and turn em over? - What do you want? - How are you gonna get out of this? - I dont believe it.
Well end up in the nick! - Not me.
Im an old man.
- Rotate them as well? - Yes.
- Here he is.
- That all right, son? Yes.
Ill get that off to the lab this afternoon.
- Now beans and carrots.
- Eh? - Growing beans and carrots.
- 0h, yes! Ive gone off the idea of growing vegetables.
Lets have a pint.
Come on.
- I think its a miracle.
- Yup.
It certainly is a miracle, Rodney.
making sure her little lads dont starve.
No.
Its a miracle weve been doing this for three weeks and were not banged up! - We aint doing nothing illegal.
- Nothing illegal?! We are selling public water to the public! Youre wrong.
This water used to be public but Maggie privatised it, didnt she? It now belongs to a board of directors.
They sell it to us, we sell it on.
Were just repackaging it.
Its like Esso - they buy oil from Kuwait, repackage it and sell it on as petrol.
Its not illegal.
What about the Trades Descriptions Act? It aint from a spring.
Sainsburys sell runner beans, but they aint been round the track! What about the claim on the label? From an ancient and natural source.
The Thames.
Cant be more ancient and natural than that.
Anyway, we got a certificate from SWANS saying its some of their finest water.
Because what they analysed werent this.
It was Malvern or Buxton water.
Will you stop splitting hairs? Peckham Spring is Myless biggest seller.
Hes doubled his order twice.
Go and see how Raquels getting on.
Im surprised youd be party to this.
Im doing it purely for the man I love.
Ill claim a crime of passion or insanity.
You havent turned the money down.
To make it easier on Del when the case goes to court.
The less he makes, the lighter his sentencell be.
It may look like Im sharing the profits, but Im halving the guilt.
That is true brotherly love.
- Id almost give you one of me medals.
- Shut up! - I see Peckham Springs selling well.
- What? I had lunch at the wine bar.
The waiter says its their most popular brand.
- It has got a taste of its own.
- Yeah? Its called fluoride.
- Sorry? - I said, its got to be tried.
- Yeah.
Everyones buying it.
Its on trial.
- Trial? What do you mean? Myles said a major supermarket is giving it a trial.
Yeah.
Thats right.
- Are you 0K? - Yeah.
Fine.
If youre still worried about The doctor said, Dont be uptight.
Its got nothing to do with that! Look, Cass If I tell you a secret, do you promise never to tell a soul? Cross my heart.
Go on, what is it? - You know Peckham Spring? - What about it? Its tap water.
- Tap water? - Yeah.
Tap water.
- What do you mean, tap water? - Well Water from a tap.
- From a tap? What tap? - The one in Dels kitchen.
- Youre kidding.
Tell me youre joking.
- No.
Really.
He just gets a bottle, puts it under the tap, fills it up and sells it for 45 pence.
- 0h, my God! God help us! - Dont panic.
Its got nothing to do with you.
Nothing to do with me? Where do you think he got the capital to buy all those bottles? And the money to pay Daddy for printing his labels? - You?! - Yes.
He came to the bank for a loan.
And you gave it to him? Im in charge of small-business investment and this seemed to have a future - a natural spring that had received a certificate of purity from Myles.
- And you believed Del? - No.
I believed you! Del told me not to tell anyone.
Why didnt you tell me youd given him money? Thats confidential information between the bank and its client.
Now you know.
What are you gonna do? Ive got no choice.
Ill have to keep quiet about it.
- Really? - I just promised you I wouldnt tell a soul.
If I told the bank, Id lose my promotion.
I dont fancy driving to Wormwood Scrubs every Sunday to visit you.
Is selling water illegal? I was charged Dels kept up the repayments.
- And youre earning lots of money.
- Ive never been so well off.
But there are geological aspects coming into play.
We are taking thousands of gallons every week.
The water board think theyve got a major underground leak! Its the middle of winter and the papers are issuing drought warnings! So people are going out and panic-buying Peckham bloody Spring! So we take more water to stay up with demand and some prat has advised him to advertise on local radio.
You? Why?! Dels my client.
Its my job to advise him.
You are not dealing with a normal person.
This is Derek Trotter! He is sucking the land dry! Im expecting a visit from Lenny Henry and Bob Geldof any minute! Personally, Ive always believed in powdered rhino horn Raquel! Ah.
I was ever so happy to hear your good news.
It must be lovely coming into money after all these years.
- Were enjoying it.
- I bet you are.
You can come to my coffee mornings now.
- Thank you.
- See you in a minute.
Im bursting.
- Youre not the only one.
- Garden party next! I hear business is booming, Rodney.
Yeah, Peckham Springs selling hand over foot.
I find it hard to believe that someone with Dels attitude could suddenly become so professional.
He just never had a chance to prove it.
If he hadnt cleared up the allotment, hed never have found the spring.
How come he cleared it up? Hes no Alan Titmarsh.
A bit of a tit, maybe.
We all go through many changes.
Del just became aware of the damage we are doing to Mother Earth.
I suppose that summons from the council helped! Yeah.
At least he got experts to get rid of them drums of chemicals.
Since when have Denzil and Trigger been experts? Denzil and Trig? He told me he used specialists.
Trigger could be considered to be a specialist.
Trigger still dont know which end of the dart to throw! I mean, he could dispose of them drums at the Environmental Waste Unit.
- Denzil said they chucked them in a pond! - In a pond?! - In a pond.
- Wait till I see Del.
- Where are Denzil and Trigger? - Aint seen them for weeks.
What do you think to this Peckham Spring lark? Knowing Del, it probably comes out of a tap! Dont be silly, Boycie.
Ive seen the certificate.
Im even buying the stuff.
You dont think Im stupid, do you? - In a pond? - Yeah.
You wait till Del gets back.
No arguments tonight.
Its the first time weve all been happy for ages.
All right.
Ill have him tomorrow, though.
Rodders, tomorrow well go down the allotment and clear out the shed.
What do we want with Bros LPs and Romanian Riesling, eh? - 0r those wigs.
- I dont know why I bought them wigs.
- A wig saved my life once.
- Yeah.
- Clear it out and dump it somewhere.
- Yeah.
But not in a pond.
- In a pond? Whats he going on about? - I dont know.
- How did a wig save your life? - 0h Tell her.
- Youve got a mouth and a half on you.
- Im interested.
Its bound to have happened during the war.
- It might not have.
- During the war During the war, I was on a corvette out in the Pacific fighting the Japs.
My old skipper, Captain Kenworthy, used to wear a wig.
Couldnt tell, though, except in rough seas when it used to slide to one side.
Came zooming in towards us.
I said to the skipper, The way hes carrying on, hell kill himself.
Anyway, he smashed right into us.
There we were, nine of us and the skipper, marooned with all the lifeboats smashed.
Youre not trying to tell us that ten of you got on the captains wig? Dont be facetious.
Im talking about heroes.
Whoops.
Sorry.
We were washed up on this island where the natives had never seen a white man.
They were getting very angry.
Captain Kenworthy said, Leave this to me, lads.
He stepped forward, brave as a lion, and he whipped his wig off! You should have seen their faces! He knew theyd never seen a wig before.
Did they make him a god? No, they killed him.
They thought the wig had magic powers.
They ran off and had a ceremony.
We got picked up by an Australian frigate.
Well, were off home now.
Remember we said when we could afford it, wed have a weekend away.
- Yeah.
- We can afford it now.
Why dont we go tomorrow night, just the two of us? - All alone.
- In a lovely hotel overlooking the sea.
In a king-size bed.
You can do a lot of rolling around in a king-size bed.
- Ive heard a dozen oysters - Derek! - I wont be in tomorrow.
- Why? Me and Cassandra are going to the seaside to be on our own.
You dont mind? Yeah.
In fact, well come with you.
Hold on.
- Do you fancy a weekend at the seaside? - Take me home, Ill pack.
This calls for a celebration.
Guess what? - Another glass of champagne, darling? - I think you could persuade me.
havent we, darling? Well, champagne, certainly.
No.
I meant the lifestyle.
Didnt I always promise you a life like this? Didnt I? Yes, you did.
Ive gotta make the most of it before they put you in prison.
They are not gonna put me in prison.
You gotta do something illegal first.
All Im doing is selling a popular product.
Even the bestest hotels in the world are selling Peckham Spring.
Were on a winner, darling, and this is just the beginning.
As for you, itll be Mercedes and Cecil Gee suits and Lanzarote all the way for you.
You wont know any other life.
Why should you worry, eh? - Id better put him down.
- Im going to go and see Rodney.
Theyre trying to sort their lives out.
Its nine oclock.
They should show more decorum.
- 0i up! - What are you doing? Just popped in to see how you was.
Dont get embarrassed.
You got nothing in there thatll frighten me.
- Why have we got interconnecting doors? - That was my idea.
So we can mingle.
All families mingle.
- You pop in more than a gas-meter reader.
- Shut up, you tart.
- Wheres Cassandra? - Popped into the bathroom half an hour ago.
Those sandwiches were all right, werent they? Yeah.
No.
Shes just gone to slip into something.
Half hour ago? Whats she slipped into? A coma? No.
Shes - What have you.
- All right.
I understand.
Dont worry.
Youll be all right, bruv.
You just relax, all right? Dont let yourself get all taut and rigid.
Well, not all of you! Will you just get out of here?! - Dont you go listening.
- All right.
Dont make too much noise.
Damiens sleeping in here.
See you in the morning.
Ah.
Thats it, babe.
You have a lovely warm.
And you dream some lovely dreams.
Eh? You dream about Christmas and all the presents that Santa Claus is gonna bring you.
Cause a little baby like you is gonna be right at the top of his VIP list.
When I was a little ankle-biter like you, all I ever got for Christmas was an orange and a clump round the earhole.
Still, the orange was nice.
I wish I knew what you was dreaming.
Dont matter.
As long as its a happy one.
And Im in it.
Raquel.
Cor You look really nice.
Thank you.
- I love you.
- I love you, Trotter.
Right! Sorry Ive been so long.
(TV NEWS IN BACKGR0UND) They say the best things take time.
A late news i'tem.
The London Bor.
Ough of Peckham i's wi'thout water.
After.
A local r.
Eservoi'r.
Was found to be contami'nated by an unknown chemi'cal.
The dr.
Ums of the chemi'cal wer.
E di'scover.
Ed late thi's after.
Noon and appear.
To have been dumped i'n the r.
Eservoi'r.
A month ago.
A spokesper.
Son has sai'd that the cutti'ng of suppli'es i's a pr.
Ecauti'onary measur.
E and ther.
E i's no need for.
Alar.
m.
Everythings coming up roses for us now, sweetheart.
Getting better every day.
And its all thanks to the Peckham spring.
I wouldnt mind betting this time next week, Ill be in all the papers.
# Weve got some half-price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles # TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs # Ball games, gold chains, whats-their-names and at a push # Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherds Bush # Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush # No income tax, no VAT # No money back, no guarantee # Black or white, rich or broke # Well cut prices at a stroke # God bless Hooky Street! # Viva Hooky Street! # Long live Hooky Street! # Cest magnifique, Hooky Street! # Magnifique, Hooky Street! # Hooky Street! # Hooky Street # Hooky Street # Hooky Street #