Orange Is the New Black s07e09 Episode Script
The Hidey Hole
1 [CELL DOOR SLAMS.]
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
[CELL DOOR SLAMS.]
[CELL DOOR SLAMS.]
[HUMMING.]
You keep hitting snooze, you ain't gonna win that Mickey D's gift card for perfect attendance.
They changed the prize to dictionaries 'cause of Michelle Obama.
Ah, well, not everybody's perfect.
Hey, hey! Uh-uh.
Put that back.
Don't eat that.
Eat eggs.
You need protein.
[MONICA.]
I ain't eating this.
There's red spots in here.
You givin' me period eggs? They ain't period, they're meat spots.
Make you strong.
And get the bass out your voice and eat what I made you.
I liked you better when you made chocolate chip pancakes.
Well, I liked you better when you talked less.
Someone's been busy this morning.
And don't just eat your toast.
You need protein.
Mmm.
That's what I was saying.
You're both wrong.
Coach says to power-load carbs on game days.
You remember to wash your uniform? - You didn't remind me.
- It's okay.
I folded the laundry this morning.
It's in the basket.
It's got that good dryer-sheet smell.
[SNIFFS.]
Thank you, Cindy.
But Monica's supposed to do her own wash.
You need to put some of that energy into your job hunt.
Uh, I already did.
See? [VOCALIZING.]
And I already got three more interviews lined up today.
Mom, I need you to sign this permission slip so I can go to Family Life, even though all they do is show dumb videos from the '80s.
[LAUGHING.]
They still showing those? Oh, man, just wait till you see the one about the cartoon cat rapping about how she got three holes.
But it's really important stuff.
Bye, Cindy.
Make sure you pay real close attention.
- Mwah.
I love you.
Okay - [DOOR CLOSES.]
[EXHALES AND GROANS.]
Please tell me I was not that bad.
Oh, you had a mouth on you, all right.
And then there was that other thing.
But, deep down, she's a good kid.
Believe it or not, she was a lot worse before you got home.
So, whatever you're doing, keep on doing it.
I believe she's in some kind of cult, and that one has a touch of the tism.
I already told you, all guards here suck.
Hellman's your guy.
He He let me, he let me, uh, transfer in here after I blew him Fuck Hellman.
He used to beat my ass.
Uh, then, what about the black chick? Like, about yea high? You mean the warden? If we don't find a guard-mule soon, then your mother and Hopper are going to corner the market.
How many times I gotta tell you that bitch is all talk? Ain't nobody gonna want their stepped-on shit once they get a taste of what we're bringing in.
Well, what about the guy who teaches GED? The, um, the Asian one.
It depends what kind of Asian.
Are we talking math nerd or Tokyo Drift? Uh, Filipino.
And that's, like, racist.
It's casual racism, not formal.
There's a difference.
[DAYANARA.]
This guy don't look fast or furious.
He's very handsome, but I have a rule not to sleep with someone I could bounce off the ceiling.
No one needs to be fucking anyone - named Elmer.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Look he's already bringing the books in.
We just gotta get our own book.
My girl slides the fenty patches inside, and he won't even know that shit is there.
This is a thoughtful plan.
So, what's the difference between the racisms? Capital-R racism implies that the racist assumes racial superiority or performs deliberate acts of discrimination.
Casual racism is about negative prejudice or racial stereotypes concerning race, and is most often unintentionally offensive.
They both have negative impact, but casual racism makes me laugh, so I indulge.
Great class, Mr.
Caputo.
Great questions, Denise.
Keep 'em coming.
- How much you pay her to say that? - [CHUCKLES.]
Things usually go more smoothly when the dean isn't observing my class.
- No pressure.
- I thought I was being subtle.
And I I just wanted to see what all the buzz was about.
Ah.
There's buzz? In fact, I was wondering if you'd like to take on another class next semester.
- That'd be great.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Excuse me? Hi.
Um, are you Joe Caputo? Guilty as charged.
You've been served.
I'm sorry.
What is this? It's a restraining order.
For what? [EXHALES HEAVILY.]
This is nuts.
See, there was this woman who I fired back in my old job who now, years later, is accusing me of of some things I did not do.
So, I went to her house to talk to her.
But, um, I recently I had a surgery on a very sensitive area, which she mistook for me touching my you-know-what, and, um This is sounding much worse than it is.
Why don't we go down to HR, and you can fill them in on all the details? - [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- I feel like my neck grew two inches.
I told you that class was great.
Except for Madonna Arms rubbing her one-armed handstands in everyone's face.
My prison yoga teacher always used to say, "The surest way to lose balance is by comparing yourself to other people.
" [LAUGHING.]
Your prison yoga teacher? - Thanks.
- Oh.
Like I wasn't getting enough shade for my pilled leggings.
Don't call them "pilled".
Say "textured".
What happened to your promise to own all of the parts of yourself? I am owning all of the parts.
Matter of fact, I'm coming clean to my coworkers today.
Oh.
Or maybe next week.
Things get very crazy at the end of the quarter.
You need to stop making excuses, and just rip that Band-Aid right off already.
[PIPER.]
Meh.
I'm more of a slow-peel kind of gal.
You want that shame-scab to heal, you gotta give it some air.
If you enjoyed your free trial, we do have a new student special going on right now.
It's ten classes for 200 bucks.
Not today.
Thank you.
Because I recently got out of prison, and between my low-paying job and monthly probation fees, I can barely afford my rent.
But thank you.
Hey.
- I thought you were gonna go talk to Red.
- Yeah.
Red has made it abundantly clear that she does not want me in her business, which is fine because I have my own shit to deal with.
You see, I have the urgent task of tracking down a picture of Shani's ex on Facebook.
All right, so check it out.
Now, you see, my money's on the one with this nose ring, but I'm secretly hoping it's the one with the thick calves.
Something's wrong with Sterling's Instagram account.
Fuck.
Oh, man.
I really hope it's not the one in "The Future Is Female" T-shirt, although I'm all for a future if it looks like that.
It says the account has been disabled because of inappropriate content.
Maybe it was all those naked pictures you posted of him in the bath.
No, his little Shrinky Dink's so small you can barely see it.
I'm sure whatever anti-penis algorithm they're using doesn't discriminate by size.
That doesn't make sense.
These photos were up for weeks.
Why aren't you listening to me? Whoa, okay? We're two friends spending parallel quality time together, all right? Your face is in your phone, my face is in my phone, just like nature intended.
No, I don't think you're taking this seriously.
All of Sterling's pictures are gone.
I don't understand.
Who would do that to a baby? You still have pictures of the kid, right? Why don't you just look at those? You're right.
I have those pictures saved.
I can start a new account.
And I will wrestle with the fact that Shani's last post was a Facebook video of her singing "Don't Speak" at a karaoke bar.
She's really lost some points here.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHING.]
- Fuck me sideways! - Tough break, Fran.
Let me show you how the masters do it.
The only thing you are the master of is BS.
Oh, I think you mean BJs.
[GIGGLES.]
Guess I picked the wrong sister.
- Hey! - What? I was kidding.
[TONY.]
All right, you got this, Lorna.
All right, all right.
Here we go.
Oh, my goodness! Oh, God.
No worries.
Barely spilled a drop.
Oh.
Well, you're brave, drinking champagne in a dive like this.
It's a special occasion! Oh, my God! It's so beautiful.
They say three months' salary, but I went four.
Franny, come take your shot before these two give you any ideas.
Congratulations.
You didn't ask her here, did you? - Please, I got this one trained.
- Hey! [CHUCKLES.]
But this is where we first hooked up.
Three years ago to the day.
That is so romantic.
Tone, Tone, are you getting this? This is so romantic.
It's It's wonderful.
But we're in the middle of a game.
It can wait.
I want to hear, like, how it happened.
Have you ever been to the Pelican Hotel, up on Sands Point? No.
Well, they got this roof deck overlookin' the ocean.
And we'd just taken a long walk down the beach I was gonna ask her on the beach, but then all this seaweed washed up and it reeked like rotten eggs.
But I am so glad he waited, because by the time he popped the question, the sun was setting at the exact moment.
It was so beautiful.
I didn't even plan it that way.
And we decided we're gettin' married next June right on that same rooftop.
Or the following June, depending on availability.
Lorna, you're up.
We're waiting.
I am so, so happy for the both of you.
And I only hope that one day, I can find the kind of love that you two share together.
- Okay, all right.
- Okay, okay.
- You go first.
I'll bring you over here.
- Thank you.
Yes, I got it.
No, I got you.
I got you.
Come on, Lorna, your sister and Jack took off.
- Let me give you a ride home.
- No, no.
- It's a nice night.
I'm gonna walk.
- Come on.
Hey.
What's the matter? What's the matter? Why you givin' me the cold shoulder all of a sudden? - Okay, all right.
Stop.
- Come here.
Come here.
- Let me - Stop! It's not gonna work! I deserve to be with somebody who loves love.
[SCOFFING.]
You are such a goddamn tease, talking about giving BJs all night.
Huh? You think you're so hot? Unbelievable.
And you're a shitty pool player! [CAR ENGINE STARTS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[IN SPANISH.]
Yes! This is amazing! to Padilla v.
Kentucky, if they fucked up my criminal case, [IN SPANISH.]
my immigration case is void.
That's called precedent, Matlock.
Nice work.
Matlock? Mmm-mmm.
I prefer to think of myself as Latina Ally McBeal.
Mail call! - 968.
- [INMATE.]
That's me.
I'm here.
[IN SPANISH.]
Maybe there's something from Diablo.
Relax, lover girl.
even got your letter yet.
You don't know that.
Uh, 519.
It must be something about my case.
[SPEAKING K'ICHE.]
till your A-number's called.
I'm 519.
And last but not least, lucky 439.
[SPEAKING K'ICHE.]
and you're going in the box.
And you need to speak English or Spanish.
Comprende? [BLANCA IN SPANISH.]
What's wrong? to appear in court on Monday or I could lose custody of my kids.
What? [IN SPANISH.]
That can't be right.
Don't they have to give you the opportunity to be there? Legally, yes.
But nobody cares.
Maybe someone else can go instead.
Like their dad, or an aunt or uncle? No.
My husband died a year ago.
Everyone else I know is undocumented or in El Salvador.
It's my kids, Blanca.
What am I going to do? write you a glowing recommendation, but four years in federal prison Ms.
Wernick, okay, let me stop you.
I know I'm not the ideal candidate, but if you give me a chance, I promise I will take really good care of these people.
Am I allowed to ask? I mean, I, I don't know if I'm allowed to ask.
If you don't want to say No.
It's all right.
[SIGHS.]
It's all right.
I I did it.
I shouldn't have done it, but I did it.
Um Back at my last job, when I worked for TSA, I took some things that I shouldn't have.
But I'm not that same person now.
I mean, I am accountable for my actions in the past.
But I don't want to be like that anymore because it ends up hurting people.
Not physically, though.
If I can be honest, Cindy, I'm not sure you're suited for this line of work.
Many of our residents are both physically and cognitively impaired.
There are diapers to change and, uh, spills to clean.
Some scream and use abusive language.
[SCOFFS.]
Sounds like my old cell block.
- [SIGHS.]
- But I'm being serious.
Look, prison is perfect training for a place like this.
All right, look.
You got the same mushy food, people living close to each other, all up in each other's business.
And here's what I learned.
You can't change people.
Especially the old ones.
But what you can change is your attitude to 'em.
And more importantly, you gotta have a sense of humor.
You know, funny is like duct tape.
It fixes everything.
[CHUCKLES.]
- I suppose we could give it a shot.
- Yes! But you should know, [SPEAKING SOFTLY.]
half these alter kockers will think you're stealing from them anyway.
Oh, please.
See, I been black my whole life, so I get it.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Do I got a job? Yes! I got the job! Thank you so much, boss lady! Seven out of ten.
Sweet! That's still a C-minus.
Well, it's six points higher than the last time.
Wait.
[MUMBLES.]
Congratulations, Ms.
Doggett.
Looks like the tutoring's working out.
Oh, yeah.
No, Taystee's actually really been helping me.
And she ain't so mopey anymore.
It's kinda like a who-saved-who situation.
Who saved whom.
That's what I'm saying.
It's, like, impossible to tell.
You got room for three more? Uh, we're already halfway through the semester, but I never discourage the desire to learn.
Hmm.
And we love learning.
Don't we? The world is our classroom.
Okay, let's have a look at this passage on the American Civil War.
Maybe we should sell those performance-enhancing pills that college kids take? Who the fuck does drugs to do more homework, stupid? Can you guys shut up? I'm trying to listen.
Looks like somebody wants to suck on that Filipino egg roll, huh? They're called lumpia.
The egg roll or the dick? The egg roll, which, by the way, is fucking delicious.
Mmm.
I bet that dick is, too.
[GIGGLES.]
Hey, Lorna, uh, can you empty out these taters? I could really use the extra box.
That's funny.
When I needed help from you, you were too busy creeping on Queen Nefertitty's Facebook page, but now you need help from me.
[SCOFFS.]
Uh, Red, do you mind if I use this? Did you hear something? No, I didn't.
Did you? Well, it's difficult to say.
You know, I'm getting so old and decrepit.
I think I might be losing my hearing.
Really? The two of you? You're fucking children.
- What the hell are you doing? - It's called Operation Splatter Pants.
I'm gonna put this across Litvack's toilet seat.
Ay, nena, please.
Stop wasting your time with practical jokes.
You're never gonna get in his bathroom anyway.
Could you be a little bit more supportive? I'm pranking on behalf of our people.
And I'm actually doing something to help them.
But I guess you were only a Jedi for Maritza.
Dropping off your migrant laborers.
Thank you Mr.
C.
Litvack.
C.
Litvack.
[GASPS.]
C.
Litvack.
Oh, my God.
It can't be so easy.
- I heard the "C" stands for "Carlos".
- Or "Cocksucker".
You guys don't you get it? "C" plus "Litvack" equals "Clitvack".
It's, like, somebody vacuuming your clit.
[GLORIA.]
Mmm, that sounds painful.
Or fantastic, depending on the suction level.
It's gonna be like this one time in high school when I got everyone to call this one skank, Janice, "chicken nugget", 'cause she smelled like honey mustard and stole my boyfriend.
Mean nicknames are like the herpes of bullying.
Once you got one, it never goes away.
What's all this? You know, I figured we could use a little bit of insulation while we work.
You know, to keep out the chill.
Welcome to my hidey hole.
Now, in an ideal world, we'd have some sexy lighting and mood music.
I wish I had a blackberry scone for you, but they're thin on the ground.
At least we have a quiet place to tenderize the meat, so to speak.
How did you know I like blackberry scones? Because you're a human who breathes air.
And, uh, pretty sure you mentioned it last week.
And I took a deep dive - into your Facebook, so - Hmm.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I'm flattered.
- Ah! I've never had a stalker before.
Mmm-mmm.
Hey.
Hey.
I mean, I'm pretty sure it's your turn.
Not Not right now.
Let me touch you.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Believe me, I'm a big, big fan of all that you do, but I'd really like to return the favor every now and then.
I don't know why this isn't enough for you.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Did I do something wrong? What? If you're afraid you're gonna make too much noise, right, we could just turn on the oven fan or the blender, if you're a screamer.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
- We have too much work to do.
Yeah, yeah.
Try it now.
[ALL CHEER AND LAUGH.]
- That flicker was giving me epilepsy.
- [ALL LAUGH.]
I was right about the socket.
It wasn't hitting its contact point.
Where on earth did you learn to do that? Certainly not from her father.
Actually Actually, I was forced to take an electrical skills class while I was in Beverly, can you find me the file on the '08 Robinson return, please? - in the Peace Corps.
- [SHARON.]
Huh.
I didn't think those African villages had electricity.
Solar panels.
We installed solar panels.
[JOANNE.]
Isn't that something? Taking time to help the less fortunate.
And so eco-friendly.
It was nothing, really.
I'm surprised you work here, with your expertise in clean energy.
Yeah, well - Here it is.
- Thank you.
I was in prison.
I wasn't in the Peace Corps, and I wasn't in that dude ranch rehab place in Arizona.
I trafficked drug money after college, and I went to prison for it.
We all make mistakes, honey.
No, seriously.
You should see my first husband.
And, Heather, I ate your welcome-back cookie cake, and, Joanne, I drank your tequila.
What tequila? [HEATHER.]
You got me a cookie cake? Guys, that's so sweet.
You know, we could probably fit, like, two more if we positioned them, you know, like this, in the under-boob area.
Is this what they mean by "vertical integration"? [CHUCKLES.]
Yes.
Yes, I believe so.
You're good at this.
I have a gift for spatial relationships.
You should see me put leftovers into Tupperware.
I meant dealing.
I'd still be trying to sell my mom's fish oil supplements if it weren't for you.
And I'm not just saying that to make you keep doing it.
No, it's fine.
I mean, we can We can keep doing it.
I mean, at least until you're back on your feet.
You sure? 'Cause we can stop any time you want.
No, I don't want to stop.
- Selling chargers.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Good.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Easy, easy.
Jesus, slow down.
- [SIGHS.]
I am trying to firm up this soft serve.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
It's this place.
It's so goddamn depressing.
I am a busy woman, and besides, it didn't seem to bother you last time when you bent me over the desk.
Come on, come on [GROANS.]
Come on, come on.
- Damn it.
Please, let me - Okay.
- Please, let me just give it a try.
- Okay, okay.
[CAPUTO.]
Uh-huh.
Mmm.
I'd offer to stick a finger up your ass, but I just got my tips done.
[SIGHS.]
You know what this is? It's the fucking restraining order.
I can't get it out of my mind.
Why are you letting that woman get to you? I lost my job over her.
Job? You taught one class at community college.
- I gotta tell Tamika.
- Absolutely not.
I got to explain to her what happened, and tell her about the restraining order.
If this gets out before I get ahead of it, it'll blow up the whole restorative justice program.
You tell Tamika, she will have no choice but to fire you, which is exactly what this Fischer woman wants.
Joseph, you are one of the good ones.
You had a creepy little crush on an ex-employee, big fucking whoop.
Don't let some PG-13 non-event that happened at a whole different time, in a whole different place, take away from the good you are doing now.
You think I'm doing good? You'll never hear me say this again, but yes, you are making a difference in these women's lives.
Now nut up and make me some baby batter.
[WOMAN THROUGH CELL PHONE.]
It's like a dinosaur.
A big dinosaur cock.
You're gonna stretch out my tiny pussy with that.
[MOANS.]
Stretch out my tiny pussy.
[WOMAN MOANING.]
I got news! And a pie! - [MONICA.]
No, you lied to me! - [LILLIAN.]
I had no choice! [MONICA.]
Bullshit! I knew something wasn't right.
The way you look at me, the way you treat me, the way you yell at me all the time and all your stupid rules.
- I fucking hate you! - Wait [BLACK CINDY.]
Whoa! Monica! I don't care what she did.
You don't talk to Mom like that.
- Mom? That's a good one.
- [SOBBING.]
'Cause this letter says something different.
What do you mean? What is this? What's the matter, prison girl? Can't you read? - Who Who sent this? - [LILLIAN.]
One of your prison friends.
They told her everything.
So you gonna admit it? Or are you gonna just keep lying to me, like you have my entire life? Uh Fuck all y'all.
You're a lyin' bitch, and you're a waste of fuckin' space.
Far as I'm concerned, I don't got a mother.
- Monica.
- [BLACK CINDY.]
Wait.
- Monica.
Monica! - Don't go.
Don't Mom [SOBS.]
Ma, I swear on the Bible, I had nothing to do with this.
No, Mom, please, you gotta believe it.
The last thing I want in this world is to bring you trouble.
It's never your fault, is it, Cindy? But somehow, every time you show up, there's a whole new mess I got to clean.
Ma [ELMER.]
Slaves were used for manual labor by the Confederacy, but there was a tremendous amount of debate about whether or not to arm black slaves.
Now, just as a reminder, someone tell me, the period after the war ended, when the South reintegrated with the North, was called LeBron James.
[INMATES LAUGH.]
What is Reconstruction? I hope everyone heard Ms.
Doggett's answer 'cause we're gonna be discussing it tomorrow.
Class dismissed.
What the fuck? You're gonna kick 'em out, right? I'll talk to 'em about it.
Well, at least give 'em detention.
Kind of redundant, don't you think? They're laughing and they're whispering.
It's really, uh, it's agitating my brain.
Like, I don't even know, is the Confederate flag the good or the bad one? Bad.
It is definitely bad.
But think of this as practice for overcoming distractions on the test.
- Okay.
- You're doing great, Ms.
Doggett, and if you can stay focused, you're gonna pass with flying colors.
[DAYANARA CLEARS THROAT.]
Hmm.
- Yes, I will.
- Yeah.
Try-hard.
Mr.
Elmer, your class was lit.
Thank you.
Maybe you can enjoy it a bit more quietly next time.
Oh.
We apologize for our enthusiasm.
- We are big Civil War buffs.
- Mmm-hmm.
Can't wait to see who wins.
You do know that Eh.
No spoilers.
Smart guy like you must read all the dead white guy books.
The brain's a muscle.
Reading keeps it exercised.
You know what? I have this friend, and she keeps on talking about this book that she's reading.
So, maybe I could give you her number, and you can borrow it and bring it in here for us.
Actually, I can't bring outside materials to inmates.
We had a whole four-hour training session on it.
I'll give you a four-hour training session in the art of tantric sex.
Okay, please stop.
I need you all to leave right now.
And we need you to do as we ask.
Yeah.
So, here's my friend's number.
- Feel that? - Yeah.
She'll be happy to bring the book to you.
Maybe at the Little League in Flatbush? You know, where you coach your kid's T-ball? Don't lose it.
Fucking little cunt boxes, come on.
Want a hand? Well, obviously more than you do.
A few days before I turned 12, my mother said we were going to a party.
But then when we got there, I didn't recognize any of the other girls.
Then I heard screams coming from upstairs.
Would you mind moving this along a little bit? Vinnie's coming to see me.
Give us a minute.
Yeah? The woman, she cuts me with a razor blade.
It felt like hot steel shooting through my veins.
Then the blood.
There was so much blood.
I kept screaming, "Why? Why?" She said I should be grateful to be rid of this bug.
Do you mean, like, your [SIGHS.]
How could your mother let them do this to you? Because she's the same.
It's part of our culture.
I didn't know I was different until I came here and I heard the words.
"Female genital mutilation.
" Shani, I am so, so sorry.
What is the holdup out here? I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Okay.
Well, Vinnie's gonna be mad if I'm late.
He is a single father with responsibilities.
Let's go! All right.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry about that.
No, Nicky, I'm sorry.
I want to be with you.
Believe me, I do.
But I can't.
At least, not in that way.
Come here.
and by that time, all I could pick was TheRealSterlingPooper, - and then they shut that one down, too.
- Jesus, Lorna, enough! It was me.
I'm the one who reported your accounts.
[CHUCKLES.]
Why would you do something like that? You know how hard this is for me, right? Being in here, not able to hold my baby Those pictures, they're all I have.
That's not Sterling.
I don't know where you're getting those photos, but it's not him.
- That's someone else's baby.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Could you please stop saying that? Your baby is dead, Lorna.
Our baby, he died of pneumonia.
If you can't accept that, then maybe you should get some help.
You need help! Of course I do! I'm grieving for my son, which is hard enough without you making it worse by pretending he's still alive.
Could you please lower your voice? [CRYING.]
I miss him so much.
I think about him every day.
But I thought at least we could help each other to get through this.
You didn't leave the baby with my sister Franny, did you? Because you know, this one time, I saw her, she let my nephew teethe on a packet of cigarettes.
I mean, would you believe that? It was probably more than one time.
[SNIFFLES.]
I'm sorry.
But I can't do this anymore.
I want to be with you, but if you can't live in reality then maybe we should get a divorce.
Lorna? Did you hear what I just said? Lorna.
Excuse me, miss? We need to start setting up for a private party.
Uh-huh.
Of course.
Yes.
Where am I? This is our rooftop lounge.
Are you a guest of the hotel? Yes.
What room are you in? You know, I know I'm not sure because I can't find my key.
I'm sure our concierge will be happy to assist you.
- Yeah.
- What's your name? Ma'am, are you okay? Need me to call someone? No.
No, I'm fine.
Where is the restroom? We'll walk along the sand in paradise A never-never land Paradise We'll build a castle there so we can share The happiness we've waited for Where white flamingos fly way up high Way above the ocean's roar We will climb a mountain To see our wonderland Maybe now you'll understand Why I wait for the day [SNIFFLING AND GASPING.]
Paradise He'll take me by the hand to paradise We'll walk along the sand in paradise [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Is now a good time? Interesting question, coming from you.
Listen Dad.
I'm sorry if I embarrassed you in there.
And I should have talked to you beforehand.
Piper, I don't understand.
Is it a millennial thing? This need to share everything with the world? Do you know how exhausting it is to walk around every day pretending like a part of your life doesn't exist? No, I do not.
Because I was never a criminal.
But you did cheat on Mom.
Mmm.
- I didn't realize you knew that.
- I'm so sorry.
That wasn't fair.
It wasn't fair to your mother, either.
Or you or your brothers.
But we got through it.
After time.
If you wanna fire me, I understand.
I honestly don't know what to do with you.
Dad, I get I'm not the person that you want me to be.
But isn't that the entire point of family? You get who you get and you love them despite all the stuff that they do.
Hmm.
I suppose I I really don't have the grounds for firing you.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're doing a nice job.
Oh, thank God.
Oh.
[LAUGHING.]
Because I really am the world's shittiest waitress.
[LAUGHING.]
But, I have to ask you, despite all of your White Anglo-Saxon Protestant instincts to stifle and repress, to accept that this is who I am.
- How honest are we talking here? - The whole résumé.
Drug mule, federal prison, lesbian inmate wife, cookie cake thief.
Whole thing.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Is this truth-telling limited to words, or can it include visuals? - Oh, no.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- No.
- Wait until the girls get a load of this.
[LAUGHING.]
[PIPER.]
What is wrong with me? Oh! - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- [LAUGHING.]
Has he seen that yet? [SIGHS.]
Dude's in beast mode.
But at least he stopped playing Alanis Morissette on repeat.
And it's not coming off! Mr.
Clit Li Litvack.
I'm sorry.
Detainee Córdova's here to see you.
Wow.
And I thought I had a lot of paperwork when I worked at a law firm.
[LITVACK SIGHS.]
- Can I help you with something? - Yes.
I mean, maybe.
Do you have children, sir? I don't discuss my personal life with detainees.
And I'm very busy.
So either get out or get to the point.
Yes, sir.
I would like to request transportation to attend my children's custody hearing on Monday.
Here.
Fill this out.
But these forms take weeks to process, and the hearing's two days away.
Great, so the answer is no, and it saves us both some paperwork.
But I have a right to be there.
And you have a legal obligation to transport me.
[SWAPNA LAUGHING.]
Clitvack! I love it.
[INMATES LAUGHING.]
[GUARD.]
All right, vámonos, ladies.
- Are you telling me how to do my job? - No.
But I have to be there in person or I could lose custody of my kids.
You should have thought about that before you came into this country illegally.
[LILLIAN.]
Jamilla's mother called.
She's spending the night there.
Not that you seem too concerned.
I'm sorry, Ma.
Got a real funny way of showing it.
The two of you are better off without me.
She's gonna be back tomorrow.
We should both sit down and talk with her.
I think it's best if I just go.
Wait, Cindy! That's it, then? You drop a bomb in the middle of my house and then run off? I thought you said you changed.
I thought things would be different.
That if I try hard enough, maybe I could fix what I messed up.
But it doesn't matter what I do, or how bad I want to change.
All I ever end up doing is making things worse.
Cindy, I want you to stay here and talk to your daughter and try to make things right.
Tell Monica I love her.
Fine.
Do not come back here again.
[BLACK CINDY SOBBING.]
Taystee! - [SCOFFS.]
- [CAPUTO LAUGHS.]
Damn! I was wondering where you been hiding.
[EXCLAIMS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Bring it in.
Oh, boy.
- What are you doing here? - Oh.
Well, you know, same thing I was doing for you.
Phones, filing, appointments.
Which is funny, 'cause I don't see your name on the list.
Oh.
Yeah, it's an impromptu visit.
I was hoping to talk to her.
Yeah.
Well, she's in a meeting.
Can you wait? - Sure.
- All right.
[CAPUTO.]
Ah.
[SIGHS.]
It's really great to see you.
I've been thinking about you lately, ever since I got Tamika on that 2:00 p.
m.
green tea and gummy bear plan.
Snaps you out of that midday slump without keeping you up all night.
Just don't tell her.
She thinks I invented it.
Mum's the word.
And you're welcome.
Wanna thank you, Mr.
Caputo for everything you've done for me.
I wish it could've been more.
Well, my lawyer's reviewing some new evidence, so we'll see.
- Really? That's incredible.
- Yeah.
Uh, see, didn't I say never stop fighting? [SCOFFS.]
Only until my ears were bleeding.
- [CAPUTO CHUCKLES.]
- [TAMIKA.]
Professor Caputo.
What brings you here? [SIGHS.]
You have a few minutes? - As long as it's not bad news.
- [CHUCKLES.]
'Cause my GED teacher just up and quit on me.
Apparently, he has a sick grandmother in Illinois.
- For real? - Girl.
The students really loved him.
Almost as much as they love you.
[SIGHS.]
You know what? It's not important.
And I forgot I told Fig I'd meet her for an early lunch.
So, I'll see you soon.
Her grandma sick, too? Oh.
No.
Really, we'll talk another time.
If you say so.
Yeah, it's fine.
It wasn't important.
- It's good to see you.
- And you.
And then, we did a guided meditation to the spirit world where we asked Freckles to share her wisdom.
I realize I am among the fairest of our species, - but that is some white people bullshit.
- I know.
But as woo-woo as it was, it was actually kind of transformative.
The songs of truth and wonder? Or the part where you murdered Shaun the Sheep's cousin? I'm serious.
When I was in the woods burying a lamb's fetus with Zelda, it was very powerful.
I thought Neri and Maia were with you.
Mmm, Neri took two Xanax and passed out, and Maia got very into butchering and stayed to break down the body.
So, where did this Zelda come from? Maia's friend.
And she was my roommate for the weekend.
Roommate? Yeah, and bunk beds.
Alex, I can't get away from bunk beds.
Anyway, it was like, before the retreat, I was hiding a part of myself from the world.
I mean, I was still being myself, but only a part of myself because I was so afraid of what other people would think if they knew about the prison part.
Sounds like coming out all over again, only with fewer relatives telling you how much they love Ellen.
It's like this weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
And the urge to act out is totally gone.
Congratulations.
And I just wanna thank you for offering to open up our relationship.
But it turns out, having non-orgasmic sex with an assortment of randos is not an itch I need to scratch.
How many randos were there? Um There was the Willie Nelson kush addict from my NA meeting, I know, very specific, and the thoroughly-waxed finance guy from Goldman Sachs.
I think his name was Kyle.
I know we said we'd share everything.
I've changed my mind.
Less is more.
Okay.
But I don't want to hide anything from anyone anymore.
[WHISPERING.]
Please don't tell me that bitch is still making you sell for her.
No, thankfully.
Not anymore.
Pick up the pace, Gonzales.
Señoritas in ICE need their tacos.
It's Ms.
Gonzales to you.
And tacos are on Tuesday.
Duh.
Aren't you missing one? - Reznikov's in C-Block.
- I meant Morello.
[SIGHS.]
Mademoiselle Nichols, any idea where the honorable Ms.
Morello might be? Do I look like her keeper? Can we go already? I have a lot of work to do over there.
Yeah, so do I.
Drive these three down to the International House of Pancakes.
I'll track down Ms.
Morello.
Actually, she goes by Mrs.
Muccio now.
Or did she hyphenate? Anyone got eyes on Morello? Reach out reach out Hey.
We were wondering when you'd be back.
[MAN.]
I didn't think you'd get far without this.
And your phone's been blowing up.
[MAN.]
Don't worry, your cash is all there.
Not that we're expecting a reward or anything.
Thank you.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
[FRANNY.]
Oh, my God, Lorna! Where the hell you been all night? - Where are you? - Franny? Of course it's Franny.
I was calling you all night.
I was afraid you were dead.
Told you we should have swiped a 50.
[CAR DOOR OPENS.]
Jesus Christ, Lorna.
What the hell are you doing all the way out here? - I'm not sure.
- [CAR ENGINE STARTS.]
Well, you had to come out here for a reason.
Did Tony bring you out here? I think I might've walked.
Are you fucking kidding me? We're 15 miles from home! [SHUDDERING.]
I don't know, Franny.
[SOBBING.]
I can't remember anything.
Hey.
Hey.
[CRYING.]
It's bad enough losing my kids.
I can't stop thinking about them at that custody hearing.
Feeling like their mother didn't even bother showing up to fight for them.
[EXHALES HEAVILY.]
What if they think I don't care? [IN SPANISH.]
That I ran off and abandoned them? They'll never think that.
You're their mama.
They're so young, Blanca.
They don't understand all of this.
Hmm.
Neither do I.
them to say how much I love them, because ICE won't tell me where they are.
[CONTINUES CRYING.]
Hey, don't worry.
[IN SPANISH.]
We'll figure out a way for you to talk to your kids.
Gracias, Blanca.
rise and shine, son! [PEOPLE LAUGH.]
Fuck you! Psst.
So, I was doing some research last night, and not to be the dumb American who thinks she can solve the world's problems, but if you're open to it, so to speak I'd like to try to colonize your G-spot.
That is not dumb.
It's full-blown imperialist.
Honestly, I am not trying to push anything.
I just, um I wanna make you happy.
Braver explorers than you have died trying.
Well, if you wanna discover the New World, that's a risk you gotta take.
Morello's not in the law library or the multi-purpose room.
Inmates, back to your cells, now! I'm talking to you, Ms.
Tawney.
It's Mx.
Tawney.
Why you gotta make it about gender? I don't know if they're hers, but I found 'em in the south hallway about two feet from the wall, midway down the hall.
One was face-down, the other crossed it in a T-pattern, sole facing up.
Fuck! All right, somebody call Ward.
We gotta go on lockdown.
[ALARM SOUNDING.]
Get up.
Let's go.
[ALARM CONTINUES SOUNDING.]
You and I travel to the beat of a different drum [SHUDDERING.]
Oh, can't you tell by the way I run Every time you make eyes at me Whoa You cry And you moan and say it will work out Oh! Shit.
- Fuckin' cheap piece of shit.
- [TIRES SCREECHING.]
- [CAR HORN HONKS.]
- Oh, yeah.
Right.
Like I'm gonna get in the car with you now, asshole.
You know what? Fuck you, Tony! [TIRES SCREECHING.]
Oh, God! Oh Oh, God.
Are you okay over there? [SOBBING.]
Are you okay? Are you Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
[SQUEALS.]
Oh, my God! No! No, you just got engaged.
No! No, it can't be.
It can't be.
[GASPING.]
Okay.
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
- [SOBBING.]
- ["DIFFERENT DRUM" PLAYING.]
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
For a boy who wants to love only me Yes, and I ain't saying you ain't pretty All I'm saying is I'm not ready For any person, place or thing To try and pull the reins in on me So goodbye, I'll be leaving I see no sense of this cryin' and grievin' We'll both live a lot longer If you live without me Oh, don't get me wrong It's not that I'm knockin' It's just that I'm not in the market For a boy who wants to love only me Yes, and I ain't sayin' you ain't pretty All I'm sayin's I'm not ready for any person Place or thing to try and pull the reins in on me So goodbye, I'll be leavin' I see no sense of this cryin' and grievin' We'll both live a lot longer
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
[CELL DOOR SLAMS.]
[CELL DOOR SLAMS.]
[HUMMING.]
You keep hitting snooze, you ain't gonna win that Mickey D's gift card for perfect attendance.
They changed the prize to dictionaries 'cause of Michelle Obama.
Ah, well, not everybody's perfect.
Hey, hey! Uh-uh.
Put that back.
Don't eat that.
Eat eggs.
You need protein.
[MONICA.]
I ain't eating this.
There's red spots in here.
You givin' me period eggs? They ain't period, they're meat spots.
Make you strong.
And get the bass out your voice and eat what I made you.
I liked you better when you made chocolate chip pancakes.
Well, I liked you better when you talked less.
Someone's been busy this morning.
And don't just eat your toast.
You need protein.
Mmm.
That's what I was saying.
You're both wrong.
Coach says to power-load carbs on game days.
You remember to wash your uniform? - You didn't remind me.
- It's okay.
I folded the laundry this morning.
It's in the basket.
It's got that good dryer-sheet smell.
[SNIFFS.]
Thank you, Cindy.
But Monica's supposed to do her own wash.
You need to put some of that energy into your job hunt.
Uh, I already did.
See? [VOCALIZING.]
And I already got three more interviews lined up today.
Mom, I need you to sign this permission slip so I can go to Family Life, even though all they do is show dumb videos from the '80s.
[LAUGHING.]
They still showing those? Oh, man, just wait till you see the one about the cartoon cat rapping about how she got three holes.
But it's really important stuff.
Bye, Cindy.
Make sure you pay real close attention.
- Mwah.
I love you.
Okay - [DOOR CLOSES.]
[EXHALES AND GROANS.]
Please tell me I was not that bad.
Oh, you had a mouth on you, all right.
And then there was that other thing.
But, deep down, she's a good kid.
Believe it or not, she was a lot worse before you got home.
So, whatever you're doing, keep on doing it.
I believe she's in some kind of cult, and that one has a touch of the tism.
I already told you, all guards here suck.
Hellman's your guy.
He He let me, he let me, uh, transfer in here after I blew him Fuck Hellman.
He used to beat my ass.
Uh, then, what about the black chick? Like, about yea high? You mean the warden? If we don't find a guard-mule soon, then your mother and Hopper are going to corner the market.
How many times I gotta tell you that bitch is all talk? Ain't nobody gonna want their stepped-on shit once they get a taste of what we're bringing in.
Well, what about the guy who teaches GED? The, um, the Asian one.
It depends what kind of Asian.
Are we talking math nerd or Tokyo Drift? Uh, Filipino.
And that's, like, racist.
It's casual racism, not formal.
There's a difference.
[DAYANARA.]
This guy don't look fast or furious.
He's very handsome, but I have a rule not to sleep with someone I could bounce off the ceiling.
No one needs to be fucking anyone - named Elmer.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Look he's already bringing the books in.
We just gotta get our own book.
My girl slides the fenty patches inside, and he won't even know that shit is there.
This is a thoughtful plan.
So, what's the difference between the racisms? Capital-R racism implies that the racist assumes racial superiority or performs deliberate acts of discrimination.
Casual racism is about negative prejudice or racial stereotypes concerning race, and is most often unintentionally offensive.
They both have negative impact, but casual racism makes me laugh, so I indulge.
Great class, Mr.
Caputo.
Great questions, Denise.
Keep 'em coming.
- How much you pay her to say that? - [CHUCKLES.]
Things usually go more smoothly when the dean isn't observing my class.
- No pressure.
- I thought I was being subtle.
And I I just wanted to see what all the buzz was about.
Ah.
There's buzz? In fact, I was wondering if you'd like to take on another class next semester.
- That'd be great.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Excuse me? Hi.
Um, are you Joe Caputo? Guilty as charged.
You've been served.
I'm sorry.
What is this? It's a restraining order.
For what? [EXHALES HEAVILY.]
This is nuts.
See, there was this woman who I fired back in my old job who now, years later, is accusing me of of some things I did not do.
So, I went to her house to talk to her.
But, um, I recently I had a surgery on a very sensitive area, which she mistook for me touching my you-know-what, and, um This is sounding much worse than it is.
Why don't we go down to HR, and you can fill them in on all the details? - [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- I feel like my neck grew two inches.
I told you that class was great.
Except for Madonna Arms rubbing her one-armed handstands in everyone's face.
My prison yoga teacher always used to say, "The surest way to lose balance is by comparing yourself to other people.
" [LAUGHING.]
Your prison yoga teacher? - Thanks.
- Oh.
Like I wasn't getting enough shade for my pilled leggings.
Don't call them "pilled".
Say "textured".
What happened to your promise to own all of the parts of yourself? I am owning all of the parts.
Matter of fact, I'm coming clean to my coworkers today.
Oh.
Or maybe next week.
Things get very crazy at the end of the quarter.
You need to stop making excuses, and just rip that Band-Aid right off already.
[PIPER.]
Meh.
I'm more of a slow-peel kind of gal.
You want that shame-scab to heal, you gotta give it some air.
If you enjoyed your free trial, we do have a new student special going on right now.
It's ten classes for 200 bucks.
Not today.
Thank you.
Because I recently got out of prison, and between my low-paying job and monthly probation fees, I can barely afford my rent.
But thank you.
Hey.
- I thought you were gonna go talk to Red.
- Yeah.
Red has made it abundantly clear that she does not want me in her business, which is fine because I have my own shit to deal with.
You see, I have the urgent task of tracking down a picture of Shani's ex on Facebook.
All right, so check it out.
Now, you see, my money's on the one with this nose ring, but I'm secretly hoping it's the one with the thick calves.
Something's wrong with Sterling's Instagram account.
Fuck.
Oh, man.
I really hope it's not the one in "The Future Is Female" T-shirt, although I'm all for a future if it looks like that.
It says the account has been disabled because of inappropriate content.
Maybe it was all those naked pictures you posted of him in the bath.
No, his little Shrinky Dink's so small you can barely see it.
I'm sure whatever anti-penis algorithm they're using doesn't discriminate by size.
That doesn't make sense.
These photos were up for weeks.
Why aren't you listening to me? Whoa, okay? We're two friends spending parallel quality time together, all right? Your face is in your phone, my face is in my phone, just like nature intended.
No, I don't think you're taking this seriously.
All of Sterling's pictures are gone.
I don't understand.
Who would do that to a baby? You still have pictures of the kid, right? Why don't you just look at those? You're right.
I have those pictures saved.
I can start a new account.
And I will wrestle with the fact that Shani's last post was a Facebook video of her singing "Don't Speak" at a karaoke bar.
She's really lost some points here.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHING.]
- Fuck me sideways! - Tough break, Fran.
Let me show you how the masters do it.
The only thing you are the master of is BS.
Oh, I think you mean BJs.
[GIGGLES.]
Guess I picked the wrong sister.
- Hey! - What? I was kidding.
[TONY.]
All right, you got this, Lorna.
All right, all right.
Here we go.
Oh, my goodness! Oh, God.
No worries.
Barely spilled a drop.
Oh.
Well, you're brave, drinking champagne in a dive like this.
It's a special occasion! Oh, my God! It's so beautiful.
They say three months' salary, but I went four.
Franny, come take your shot before these two give you any ideas.
Congratulations.
You didn't ask her here, did you? - Please, I got this one trained.
- Hey! [CHUCKLES.]
But this is where we first hooked up.
Three years ago to the day.
That is so romantic.
Tone, Tone, are you getting this? This is so romantic.
It's It's wonderful.
But we're in the middle of a game.
It can wait.
I want to hear, like, how it happened.
Have you ever been to the Pelican Hotel, up on Sands Point? No.
Well, they got this roof deck overlookin' the ocean.
And we'd just taken a long walk down the beach I was gonna ask her on the beach, but then all this seaweed washed up and it reeked like rotten eggs.
But I am so glad he waited, because by the time he popped the question, the sun was setting at the exact moment.
It was so beautiful.
I didn't even plan it that way.
And we decided we're gettin' married next June right on that same rooftop.
Or the following June, depending on availability.
Lorna, you're up.
We're waiting.
I am so, so happy for the both of you.
And I only hope that one day, I can find the kind of love that you two share together.
- Okay, all right.
- Okay, okay.
- You go first.
I'll bring you over here.
- Thank you.
Yes, I got it.
No, I got you.
I got you.
Come on, Lorna, your sister and Jack took off.
- Let me give you a ride home.
- No, no.
- It's a nice night.
I'm gonna walk.
- Come on.
Hey.
What's the matter? What's the matter? Why you givin' me the cold shoulder all of a sudden? - Okay, all right.
Stop.
- Come here.
Come here.
- Let me - Stop! It's not gonna work! I deserve to be with somebody who loves love.
[SCOFFING.]
You are such a goddamn tease, talking about giving BJs all night.
Huh? You think you're so hot? Unbelievable.
And you're a shitty pool player! [CAR ENGINE STARTS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[IN SPANISH.]
Yes! This is amazing! to Padilla v.
Kentucky, if they fucked up my criminal case, [IN SPANISH.]
my immigration case is void.
That's called precedent, Matlock.
Nice work.
Matlock? Mmm-mmm.
I prefer to think of myself as Latina Ally McBeal.
Mail call! - 968.
- [INMATE.]
That's me.
I'm here.
[IN SPANISH.]
Maybe there's something from Diablo.
Relax, lover girl.
even got your letter yet.
You don't know that.
Uh, 519.
It must be something about my case.
[SPEAKING K'ICHE.]
till your A-number's called.
I'm 519.
And last but not least, lucky 439.
[SPEAKING K'ICHE.]
and you're going in the box.
And you need to speak English or Spanish.
Comprende? [BLANCA IN SPANISH.]
What's wrong? to appear in court on Monday or I could lose custody of my kids.
What? [IN SPANISH.]
That can't be right.
Don't they have to give you the opportunity to be there? Legally, yes.
But nobody cares.
Maybe someone else can go instead.
Like their dad, or an aunt or uncle? No.
My husband died a year ago.
Everyone else I know is undocumented or in El Salvador.
It's my kids, Blanca.
What am I going to do? write you a glowing recommendation, but four years in federal prison Ms.
Wernick, okay, let me stop you.
I know I'm not the ideal candidate, but if you give me a chance, I promise I will take really good care of these people.
Am I allowed to ask? I mean, I, I don't know if I'm allowed to ask.
If you don't want to say No.
It's all right.
[SIGHS.]
It's all right.
I I did it.
I shouldn't have done it, but I did it.
Um Back at my last job, when I worked for TSA, I took some things that I shouldn't have.
But I'm not that same person now.
I mean, I am accountable for my actions in the past.
But I don't want to be like that anymore because it ends up hurting people.
Not physically, though.
If I can be honest, Cindy, I'm not sure you're suited for this line of work.
Many of our residents are both physically and cognitively impaired.
There are diapers to change and, uh, spills to clean.
Some scream and use abusive language.
[SCOFFS.]
Sounds like my old cell block.
- [SIGHS.]
- But I'm being serious.
Look, prison is perfect training for a place like this.
All right, look.
You got the same mushy food, people living close to each other, all up in each other's business.
And here's what I learned.
You can't change people.
Especially the old ones.
But what you can change is your attitude to 'em.
And more importantly, you gotta have a sense of humor.
You know, funny is like duct tape.
It fixes everything.
[CHUCKLES.]
- I suppose we could give it a shot.
- Yes! But you should know, [SPEAKING SOFTLY.]
half these alter kockers will think you're stealing from them anyway.
Oh, please.
See, I been black my whole life, so I get it.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Do I got a job? Yes! I got the job! Thank you so much, boss lady! Seven out of ten.
Sweet! That's still a C-minus.
Well, it's six points higher than the last time.
Wait.
[MUMBLES.]
Congratulations, Ms.
Doggett.
Looks like the tutoring's working out.
Oh, yeah.
No, Taystee's actually really been helping me.
And she ain't so mopey anymore.
It's kinda like a who-saved-who situation.
Who saved whom.
That's what I'm saying.
It's, like, impossible to tell.
You got room for three more? Uh, we're already halfway through the semester, but I never discourage the desire to learn.
Hmm.
And we love learning.
Don't we? The world is our classroom.
Okay, let's have a look at this passage on the American Civil War.
Maybe we should sell those performance-enhancing pills that college kids take? Who the fuck does drugs to do more homework, stupid? Can you guys shut up? I'm trying to listen.
Looks like somebody wants to suck on that Filipino egg roll, huh? They're called lumpia.
The egg roll or the dick? The egg roll, which, by the way, is fucking delicious.
Mmm.
I bet that dick is, too.
[GIGGLES.]
Hey, Lorna, uh, can you empty out these taters? I could really use the extra box.
That's funny.
When I needed help from you, you were too busy creeping on Queen Nefertitty's Facebook page, but now you need help from me.
[SCOFFS.]
Uh, Red, do you mind if I use this? Did you hear something? No, I didn't.
Did you? Well, it's difficult to say.
You know, I'm getting so old and decrepit.
I think I might be losing my hearing.
Really? The two of you? You're fucking children.
- What the hell are you doing? - It's called Operation Splatter Pants.
I'm gonna put this across Litvack's toilet seat.
Ay, nena, please.
Stop wasting your time with practical jokes.
You're never gonna get in his bathroom anyway.
Could you be a little bit more supportive? I'm pranking on behalf of our people.
And I'm actually doing something to help them.
But I guess you were only a Jedi for Maritza.
Dropping off your migrant laborers.
Thank you Mr.
C.
Litvack.
C.
Litvack.
[GASPS.]
C.
Litvack.
Oh, my God.
It can't be so easy.
- I heard the "C" stands for "Carlos".
- Or "Cocksucker".
You guys don't you get it? "C" plus "Litvack" equals "Clitvack".
It's, like, somebody vacuuming your clit.
[GLORIA.]
Mmm, that sounds painful.
Or fantastic, depending on the suction level.
It's gonna be like this one time in high school when I got everyone to call this one skank, Janice, "chicken nugget", 'cause she smelled like honey mustard and stole my boyfriend.
Mean nicknames are like the herpes of bullying.
Once you got one, it never goes away.
What's all this? You know, I figured we could use a little bit of insulation while we work.
You know, to keep out the chill.
Welcome to my hidey hole.
Now, in an ideal world, we'd have some sexy lighting and mood music.
I wish I had a blackberry scone for you, but they're thin on the ground.
At least we have a quiet place to tenderize the meat, so to speak.
How did you know I like blackberry scones? Because you're a human who breathes air.
And, uh, pretty sure you mentioned it last week.
And I took a deep dive - into your Facebook, so - Hmm.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I'm flattered.
- Ah! I've never had a stalker before.
Mmm-mmm.
Hey.
Hey.
I mean, I'm pretty sure it's your turn.
Not Not right now.
Let me touch you.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Believe me, I'm a big, big fan of all that you do, but I'd really like to return the favor every now and then.
I don't know why this isn't enough for you.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Did I do something wrong? What? If you're afraid you're gonna make too much noise, right, we could just turn on the oven fan or the blender, if you're a screamer.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
- We have too much work to do.
Yeah, yeah.
Try it now.
[ALL CHEER AND LAUGH.]
- That flicker was giving me epilepsy.
- [ALL LAUGH.]
I was right about the socket.
It wasn't hitting its contact point.
Where on earth did you learn to do that? Certainly not from her father.
Actually Actually, I was forced to take an electrical skills class while I was in Beverly, can you find me the file on the '08 Robinson return, please? - in the Peace Corps.
- [SHARON.]
Huh.
I didn't think those African villages had electricity.
Solar panels.
We installed solar panels.
[JOANNE.]
Isn't that something? Taking time to help the less fortunate.
And so eco-friendly.
It was nothing, really.
I'm surprised you work here, with your expertise in clean energy.
Yeah, well - Here it is.
- Thank you.
I was in prison.
I wasn't in the Peace Corps, and I wasn't in that dude ranch rehab place in Arizona.
I trafficked drug money after college, and I went to prison for it.
We all make mistakes, honey.
No, seriously.
You should see my first husband.
And, Heather, I ate your welcome-back cookie cake, and, Joanne, I drank your tequila.
What tequila? [HEATHER.]
You got me a cookie cake? Guys, that's so sweet.
You know, we could probably fit, like, two more if we positioned them, you know, like this, in the under-boob area.
Is this what they mean by "vertical integration"? [CHUCKLES.]
Yes.
Yes, I believe so.
You're good at this.
I have a gift for spatial relationships.
You should see me put leftovers into Tupperware.
I meant dealing.
I'd still be trying to sell my mom's fish oil supplements if it weren't for you.
And I'm not just saying that to make you keep doing it.
No, it's fine.
I mean, we can We can keep doing it.
I mean, at least until you're back on your feet.
You sure? 'Cause we can stop any time you want.
No, I don't want to stop.
- Selling chargers.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Good.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Easy, easy.
Jesus, slow down.
- [SIGHS.]
I am trying to firm up this soft serve.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
It's this place.
It's so goddamn depressing.
I am a busy woman, and besides, it didn't seem to bother you last time when you bent me over the desk.
Come on, come on [GROANS.]
Come on, come on.
- Damn it.
Please, let me - Okay.
- Please, let me just give it a try.
- Okay, okay.
[CAPUTO.]
Uh-huh.
Mmm.
I'd offer to stick a finger up your ass, but I just got my tips done.
[SIGHS.]
You know what this is? It's the fucking restraining order.
I can't get it out of my mind.
Why are you letting that woman get to you? I lost my job over her.
Job? You taught one class at community college.
- I gotta tell Tamika.
- Absolutely not.
I got to explain to her what happened, and tell her about the restraining order.
If this gets out before I get ahead of it, it'll blow up the whole restorative justice program.
You tell Tamika, she will have no choice but to fire you, which is exactly what this Fischer woman wants.
Joseph, you are one of the good ones.
You had a creepy little crush on an ex-employee, big fucking whoop.
Don't let some PG-13 non-event that happened at a whole different time, in a whole different place, take away from the good you are doing now.
You think I'm doing good? You'll never hear me say this again, but yes, you are making a difference in these women's lives.
Now nut up and make me some baby batter.
[WOMAN THROUGH CELL PHONE.]
It's like a dinosaur.
A big dinosaur cock.
You're gonna stretch out my tiny pussy with that.
[MOANS.]
Stretch out my tiny pussy.
[WOMAN MOANING.]
I got news! And a pie! - [MONICA.]
No, you lied to me! - [LILLIAN.]
I had no choice! [MONICA.]
Bullshit! I knew something wasn't right.
The way you look at me, the way you treat me, the way you yell at me all the time and all your stupid rules.
- I fucking hate you! - Wait [BLACK CINDY.]
Whoa! Monica! I don't care what she did.
You don't talk to Mom like that.
- Mom? That's a good one.
- [SOBBING.]
'Cause this letter says something different.
What do you mean? What is this? What's the matter, prison girl? Can't you read? - Who Who sent this? - [LILLIAN.]
One of your prison friends.
They told her everything.
So you gonna admit it? Or are you gonna just keep lying to me, like you have my entire life? Uh Fuck all y'all.
You're a lyin' bitch, and you're a waste of fuckin' space.
Far as I'm concerned, I don't got a mother.
- Monica.
- [BLACK CINDY.]
Wait.
- Monica.
Monica! - Don't go.
Don't Mom [SOBS.]
Ma, I swear on the Bible, I had nothing to do with this.
No, Mom, please, you gotta believe it.
The last thing I want in this world is to bring you trouble.
It's never your fault, is it, Cindy? But somehow, every time you show up, there's a whole new mess I got to clean.
Ma [ELMER.]
Slaves were used for manual labor by the Confederacy, but there was a tremendous amount of debate about whether or not to arm black slaves.
Now, just as a reminder, someone tell me, the period after the war ended, when the South reintegrated with the North, was called LeBron James.
[INMATES LAUGH.]
What is Reconstruction? I hope everyone heard Ms.
Doggett's answer 'cause we're gonna be discussing it tomorrow.
Class dismissed.
What the fuck? You're gonna kick 'em out, right? I'll talk to 'em about it.
Well, at least give 'em detention.
Kind of redundant, don't you think? They're laughing and they're whispering.
It's really, uh, it's agitating my brain.
Like, I don't even know, is the Confederate flag the good or the bad one? Bad.
It is definitely bad.
But think of this as practice for overcoming distractions on the test.
- Okay.
- You're doing great, Ms.
Doggett, and if you can stay focused, you're gonna pass with flying colors.
[DAYANARA CLEARS THROAT.]
Hmm.
- Yes, I will.
- Yeah.
Try-hard.
Mr.
Elmer, your class was lit.
Thank you.
Maybe you can enjoy it a bit more quietly next time.
Oh.
We apologize for our enthusiasm.
- We are big Civil War buffs.
- Mmm-hmm.
Can't wait to see who wins.
You do know that Eh.
No spoilers.
Smart guy like you must read all the dead white guy books.
The brain's a muscle.
Reading keeps it exercised.
You know what? I have this friend, and she keeps on talking about this book that she's reading.
So, maybe I could give you her number, and you can borrow it and bring it in here for us.
Actually, I can't bring outside materials to inmates.
We had a whole four-hour training session on it.
I'll give you a four-hour training session in the art of tantric sex.
Okay, please stop.
I need you all to leave right now.
And we need you to do as we ask.
Yeah.
So, here's my friend's number.
- Feel that? - Yeah.
She'll be happy to bring the book to you.
Maybe at the Little League in Flatbush? You know, where you coach your kid's T-ball? Don't lose it.
Fucking little cunt boxes, come on.
Want a hand? Well, obviously more than you do.
A few days before I turned 12, my mother said we were going to a party.
But then when we got there, I didn't recognize any of the other girls.
Then I heard screams coming from upstairs.
Would you mind moving this along a little bit? Vinnie's coming to see me.
Give us a minute.
Yeah? The woman, she cuts me with a razor blade.
It felt like hot steel shooting through my veins.
Then the blood.
There was so much blood.
I kept screaming, "Why? Why?" She said I should be grateful to be rid of this bug.
Do you mean, like, your [SIGHS.]
How could your mother let them do this to you? Because she's the same.
It's part of our culture.
I didn't know I was different until I came here and I heard the words.
"Female genital mutilation.
" Shani, I am so, so sorry.
What is the holdup out here? I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Okay.
Well, Vinnie's gonna be mad if I'm late.
He is a single father with responsibilities.
Let's go! All right.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry about that.
No, Nicky, I'm sorry.
I want to be with you.
Believe me, I do.
But I can't.
At least, not in that way.
Come here.
and by that time, all I could pick was TheRealSterlingPooper, - and then they shut that one down, too.
- Jesus, Lorna, enough! It was me.
I'm the one who reported your accounts.
[CHUCKLES.]
Why would you do something like that? You know how hard this is for me, right? Being in here, not able to hold my baby Those pictures, they're all I have.
That's not Sterling.
I don't know where you're getting those photos, but it's not him.
- That's someone else's baby.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Could you please stop saying that? Your baby is dead, Lorna.
Our baby, he died of pneumonia.
If you can't accept that, then maybe you should get some help.
You need help! Of course I do! I'm grieving for my son, which is hard enough without you making it worse by pretending he's still alive.
Could you please lower your voice? [CRYING.]
I miss him so much.
I think about him every day.
But I thought at least we could help each other to get through this.
You didn't leave the baby with my sister Franny, did you? Because you know, this one time, I saw her, she let my nephew teethe on a packet of cigarettes.
I mean, would you believe that? It was probably more than one time.
[SNIFFLES.]
I'm sorry.
But I can't do this anymore.
I want to be with you, but if you can't live in reality then maybe we should get a divorce.
Lorna? Did you hear what I just said? Lorna.
Excuse me, miss? We need to start setting up for a private party.
Uh-huh.
Of course.
Yes.
Where am I? This is our rooftop lounge.
Are you a guest of the hotel? Yes.
What room are you in? You know, I know I'm not sure because I can't find my key.
I'm sure our concierge will be happy to assist you.
- Yeah.
- What's your name? Ma'am, are you okay? Need me to call someone? No.
No, I'm fine.
Where is the restroom? We'll walk along the sand in paradise A never-never land Paradise We'll build a castle there so we can share The happiness we've waited for Where white flamingos fly way up high Way above the ocean's roar We will climb a mountain To see our wonderland Maybe now you'll understand Why I wait for the day [SNIFFLING AND GASPING.]
Paradise He'll take me by the hand to paradise We'll walk along the sand in paradise [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Is now a good time? Interesting question, coming from you.
Listen Dad.
I'm sorry if I embarrassed you in there.
And I should have talked to you beforehand.
Piper, I don't understand.
Is it a millennial thing? This need to share everything with the world? Do you know how exhausting it is to walk around every day pretending like a part of your life doesn't exist? No, I do not.
Because I was never a criminal.
But you did cheat on Mom.
Mmm.
- I didn't realize you knew that.
- I'm so sorry.
That wasn't fair.
It wasn't fair to your mother, either.
Or you or your brothers.
But we got through it.
After time.
If you wanna fire me, I understand.
I honestly don't know what to do with you.
Dad, I get I'm not the person that you want me to be.
But isn't that the entire point of family? You get who you get and you love them despite all the stuff that they do.
Hmm.
I suppose I I really don't have the grounds for firing you.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're doing a nice job.
Oh, thank God.
Oh.
[LAUGHING.]
Because I really am the world's shittiest waitress.
[LAUGHING.]
But, I have to ask you, despite all of your White Anglo-Saxon Protestant instincts to stifle and repress, to accept that this is who I am.
- How honest are we talking here? - The whole résumé.
Drug mule, federal prison, lesbian inmate wife, cookie cake thief.
Whole thing.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Is this truth-telling limited to words, or can it include visuals? - Oh, no.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- No.
- Wait until the girls get a load of this.
[LAUGHING.]
[PIPER.]
What is wrong with me? Oh! - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- [LAUGHING.]
Has he seen that yet? [SIGHS.]
Dude's in beast mode.
But at least he stopped playing Alanis Morissette on repeat.
And it's not coming off! Mr.
Clit Li Litvack.
I'm sorry.
Detainee Córdova's here to see you.
Wow.
And I thought I had a lot of paperwork when I worked at a law firm.
[LITVACK SIGHS.]
- Can I help you with something? - Yes.
I mean, maybe.
Do you have children, sir? I don't discuss my personal life with detainees.
And I'm very busy.
So either get out or get to the point.
Yes, sir.
I would like to request transportation to attend my children's custody hearing on Monday.
Here.
Fill this out.
But these forms take weeks to process, and the hearing's two days away.
Great, so the answer is no, and it saves us both some paperwork.
But I have a right to be there.
And you have a legal obligation to transport me.
[SWAPNA LAUGHING.]
Clitvack! I love it.
[INMATES LAUGHING.]
[GUARD.]
All right, vámonos, ladies.
- Are you telling me how to do my job? - No.
But I have to be there in person or I could lose custody of my kids.
You should have thought about that before you came into this country illegally.
[LILLIAN.]
Jamilla's mother called.
She's spending the night there.
Not that you seem too concerned.
I'm sorry, Ma.
Got a real funny way of showing it.
The two of you are better off without me.
She's gonna be back tomorrow.
We should both sit down and talk with her.
I think it's best if I just go.
Wait, Cindy! That's it, then? You drop a bomb in the middle of my house and then run off? I thought you said you changed.
I thought things would be different.
That if I try hard enough, maybe I could fix what I messed up.
But it doesn't matter what I do, or how bad I want to change.
All I ever end up doing is making things worse.
Cindy, I want you to stay here and talk to your daughter and try to make things right.
Tell Monica I love her.
Fine.
Do not come back here again.
[BLACK CINDY SOBBING.]
Taystee! - [SCOFFS.]
- [CAPUTO LAUGHS.]
Damn! I was wondering where you been hiding.
[EXCLAIMS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Bring it in.
Oh, boy.
- What are you doing here? - Oh.
Well, you know, same thing I was doing for you.
Phones, filing, appointments.
Which is funny, 'cause I don't see your name on the list.
Oh.
Yeah, it's an impromptu visit.
I was hoping to talk to her.
Yeah.
Well, she's in a meeting.
Can you wait? - Sure.
- All right.
[CAPUTO.]
Ah.
[SIGHS.]
It's really great to see you.
I've been thinking about you lately, ever since I got Tamika on that 2:00 p.
m.
green tea and gummy bear plan.
Snaps you out of that midday slump without keeping you up all night.
Just don't tell her.
She thinks I invented it.
Mum's the word.
And you're welcome.
Wanna thank you, Mr.
Caputo for everything you've done for me.
I wish it could've been more.
Well, my lawyer's reviewing some new evidence, so we'll see.
- Really? That's incredible.
- Yeah.
Uh, see, didn't I say never stop fighting? [SCOFFS.]
Only until my ears were bleeding.
- [CAPUTO CHUCKLES.]
- [TAMIKA.]
Professor Caputo.
What brings you here? [SIGHS.]
You have a few minutes? - As long as it's not bad news.
- [CHUCKLES.]
'Cause my GED teacher just up and quit on me.
Apparently, he has a sick grandmother in Illinois.
- For real? - Girl.
The students really loved him.
Almost as much as they love you.
[SIGHS.]
You know what? It's not important.
And I forgot I told Fig I'd meet her for an early lunch.
So, I'll see you soon.
Her grandma sick, too? Oh.
No.
Really, we'll talk another time.
If you say so.
Yeah, it's fine.
It wasn't important.
- It's good to see you.
- And you.
And then, we did a guided meditation to the spirit world where we asked Freckles to share her wisdom.
I realize I am among the fairest of our species, - but that is some white people bullshit.
- I know.
But as woo-woo as it was, it was actually kind of transformative.
The songs of truth and wonder? Or the part where you murdered Shaun the Sheep's cousin? I'm serious.
When I was in the woods burying a lamb's fetus with Zelda, it was very powerful.
I thought Neri and Maia were with you.
Mmm, Neri took two Xanax and passed out, and Maia got very into butchering and stayed to break down the body.
So, where did this Zelda come from? Maia's friend.
And she was my roommate for the weekend.
Roommate? Yeah, and bunk beds.
Alex, I can't get away from bunk beds.
Anyway, it was like, before the retreat, I was hiding a part of myself from the world.
I mean, I was still being myself, but only a part of myself because I was so afraid of what other people would think if they knew about the prison part.
Sounds like coming out all over again, only with fewer relatives telling you how much they love Ellen.
It's like this weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
And the urge to act out is totally gone.
Congratulations.
And I just wanna thank you for offering to open up our relationship.
But it turns out, having non-orgasmic sex with an assortment of randos is not an itch I need to scratch.
How many randos were there? Um There was the Willie Nelson kush addict from my NA meeting, I know, very specific, and the thoroughly-waxed finance guy from Goldman Sachs.
I think his name was Kyle.
I know we said we'd share everything.
I've changed my mind.
Less is more.
Okay.
But I don't want to hide anything from anyone anymore.
[WHISPERING.]
Please don't tell me that bitch is still making you sell for her.
No, thankfully.
Not anymore.
Pick up the pace, Gonzales.
Señoritas in ICE need their tacos.
It's Ms.
Gonzales to you.
And tacos are on Tuesday.
Duh.
Aren't you missing one? - Reznikov's in C-Block.
- I meant Morello.
[SIGHS.]
Mademoiselle Nichols, any idea where the honorable Ms.
Morello might be? Do I look like her keeper? Can we go already? I have a lot of work to do over there.
Yeah, so do I.
Drive these three down to the International House of Pancakes.
I'll track down Ms.
Morello.
Actually, she goes by Mrs.
Muccio now.
Or did she hyphenate? Anyone got eyes on Morello? Reach out reach out Hey.
We were wondering when you'd be back.
[MAN.]
I didn't think you'd get far without this.
And your phone's been blowing up.
[MAN.]
Don't worry, your cash is all there.
Not that we're expecting a reward or anything.
Thank you.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
[FRANNY.]
Oh, my God, Lorna! Where the hell you been all night? - Where are you? - Franny? Of course it's Franny.
I was calling you all night.
I was afraid you were dead.
Told you we should have swiped a 50.
[CAR DOOR OPENS.]
Jesus Christ, Lorna.
What the hell are you doing all the way out here? - I'm not sure.
- [CAR ENGINE STARTS.]
Well, you had to come out here for a reason.
Did Tony bring you out here? I think I might've walked.
Are you fucking kidding me? We're 15 miles from home! [SHUDDERING.]
I don't know, Franny.
[SOBBING.]
I can't remember anything.
Hey.
Hey.
[CRYING.]
It's bad enough losing my kids.
I can't stop thinking about them at that custody hearing.
Feeling like their mother didn't even bother showing up to fight for them.
[EXHALES HEAVILY.]
What if they think I don't care? [IN SPANISH.]
That I ran off and abandoned them? They'll never think that.
You're their mama.
They're so young, Blanca.
They don't understand all of this.
Hmm.
Neither do I.
them to say how much I love them, because ICE won't tell me where they are.
[CONTINUES CRYING.]
Hey, don't worry.
[IN SPANISH.]
We'll figure out a way for you to talk to your kids.
Gracias, Blanca.
rise and shine, son! [PEOPLE LAUGH.]
Fuck you! Psst.
So, I was doing some research last night, and not to be the dumb American who thinks she can solve the world's problems, but if you're open to it, so to speak I'd like to try to colonize your G-spot.
That is not dumb.
It's full-blown imperialist.
Honestly, I am not trying to push anything.
I just, um I wanna make you happy.
Braver explorers than you have died trying.
Well, if you wanna discover the New World, that's a risk you gotta take.
Morello's not in the law library or the multi-purpose room.
Inmates, back to your cells, now! I'm talking to you, Ms.
Tawney.
It's Mx.
Tawney.
Why you gotta make it about gender? I don't know if they're hers, but I found 'em in the south hallway about two feet from the wall, midway down the hall.
One was face-down, the other crossed it in a T-pattern, sole facing up.
Fuck! All right, somebody call Ward.
We gotta go on lockdown.
[ALARM SOUNDING.]
Get up.
Let's go.
[ALARM CONTINUES SOUNDING.]
You and I travel to the beat of a different drum [SHUDDERING.]
Oh, can't you tell by the way I run Every time you make eyes at me Whoa You cry And you moan and say it will work out Oh! Shit.
- Fuckin' cheap piece of shit.
- [TIRES SCREECHING.]
- [CAR HORN HONKS.]
- Oh, yeah.
Right.
Like I'm gonna get in the car with you now, asshole.
You know what? Fuck you, Tony! [TIRES SCREECHING.]
Oh, God! Oh Oh, God.
Are you okay over there? [SOBBING.]
Are you okay? Are you Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
[SQUEALS.]
Oh, my God! No! No, you just got engaged.
No! No, it can't be.
It can't be.
[GASPING.]
Okay.
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
- [SOBBING.]
- ["DIFFERENT DRUM" PLAYING.]
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
For a boy who wants to love only me Yes, and I ain't saying you ain't pretty All I'm saying is I'm not ready For any person, place or thing To try and pull the reins in on me So goodbye, I'll be leaving I see no sense of this cryin' and grievin' We'll both live a lot longer If you live without me Oh, don't get me wrong It's not that I'm knockin' It's just that I'm not in the market For a boy who wants to love only me Yes, and I ain't sayin' you ain't pretty All I'm sayin's I'm not ready for any person Place or thing to try and pull the reins in on me So goodbye, I'll be leavin' I see no sense of this cryin' and grievin' We'll both live a lot longer