Portlandia (2011) s07e09 Episode Script

1 [applause.]
Thank you so much, and welcome to the third annual national Small Talk Convention.
How are you? How are you? Hi, how are you? Hi, how are you? Threyears, I can't believe it's been that long.
Back then, the weather was not as warm as it is today.
It's a little warmer.
Kind of warm.
[applause.]
A lot of construction going up.
[applause.]
It's true.
I'd like to bring up one of the founding members of the Small Talk organization, Ms.
Erika Kern.
[applause.]
Thank you so much.
Got my hair cut the other day.
Um I went to a new guy, and, uh, yeah, he recommended, uh, a new conditioner, which I-I think, yeah, it's-- I think it is working better.
[applause.]
We have some great events coming up.
Um, pointing at someone else's kid and saying, "Aww!" Oh, tomorrow morning, uh, just "nice.
" "Nice.
" Also, uh, Sunday, uh-- Yeah, hold on just a second.
Hey, uh, is there a Sally here? Or is-- is this not the Public Comedy Bits Convention? No, that's next week.
That is embarrassing.
Okay.
Uh, and, uh, I am backing out awkwardly.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
I like those shoes.
Are those new? [applause.]
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing.]
[laughter.]
Okay, so-- so this is what my name would be then.
- It would be Fabrizio Stivasen.
- [laughs.]
- Isn't that a fun game? - That's a good one.
[laughter.]
You guys took car services here of some kind, right? - Yeah.
- There's a way to see your rating as a passenger.
- Really? - Drivers rate you, - just like you rate drivers.
- What? - They rate you? - Yes, they all do it.
Open up the app and then check check-- "Check My Rating.
" - [electronic beep.]
- Hm.
And mine is 5.
0.
Oh, this is why you wanted to play the game.
[laughter.]
Yeah, I have bragging rights.
Right? I earned it.
Sure, okay, we get it.
- I'm a good passenger.
- Great job.
4.
8.
You both have 4.
8.
- I got a 4.
6.
- Ohh.
That's okay.
That's fine.
Do you ever argue with the driver? Like, what direction to take? If they're going the wrong way or something, sure.
Ah.
That's usually what it is.
Like, you have to sort of, like, play it cool and let them [laughs.]
5.
0.
In your face.
In your face.
It's a 5.
0.
Calm down, Amelia.
Act like an adult.
I don't know if a 4.
6 should be telling me how to behave.
I It's not a moral barometer.
It is.
It's how you treat other people.
It's very insignificant.
It's very insignificant and silly, but, Carrie, we haven't heard your rating yet.
What, it doesn't matter.
I don't-- Did you check it? Just go into Settings-- It can't be worse than a 4.
6, right? Um [clears throat.]
Can I get the check? Yeah, okay, um It's not even a big deal.
[ominous tone.]
- 3.
1.
- I can't hear you.
- I didn't see it.
- This was a It was a 3.
1.
I'm sorry, she's all the way over there and there's breakfast noise.
It's a 3.
1! Okay? Are you guys satisfied? Who cares? Who cares? [softly.]
Sorry.
It's - Um - You're taking off? Yeah, we're gonna take off.
You guys are leaving? Yeah, we just-- we gotta take off.
We'll see you Tuesday, I think, right? - Yeah, Tuesday.
- Sorry.
3.
1.
I didn't even think they could rate that low.
Could you help me get my rating up? 'Cause I don't want to be shunned by my friends.
Okay.
We're gonna t your score up, but you have to follow my lead.
- Okay.
- The way we're gonna start is, I'm gonna call this car - I'm nervous.
- Don't be nervous.
- Okay.
- We're all paid up.
I think we're ready to go.
[phone chimes.]
Here we are.
- I'm-- I'm sweating.
- You have a 5.
0 in the sweat department.
Thanks.
- And here we go.
- Okay.
[rock music.]
Larry, thanks for coming in today.
You know, as people move up in this company, we need to teach them how to let employees go, how to fire people.
- Am I getting fired? - No, Larry.
Um, this is a training session for you.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
All right, great.
So that's why we bring in a local actor.
- This is a Matthew.
- Hi.
Larry.
Larry, hello.
But I'm gonna be firing Matthew? Exactly.
And, you know, to make it easier, why don't you guys switch places? Oh, all right.
You know, Matthew is going to toss out a few scenarios for you.
He's going to give you some practice.
I've never done this before.
Take your time.
You'll do great.
All right, don't feel sorry for me.
- I don't.
- That's the key - to the whole thing.
- Okay.
[chuckles.]
[gruffly.]
There! [mouthing.]
Hey, Matthew.
Uh, thank you for coming in today.
I-I'm sorry, but there is no longer a position here for you at this firm.
You're gonna fire me? The company is going through a lot of-- I have three children, buddy.
One's 1.
One's 40.
All right? You know how much that costs? - How old are you? - I got a 40-year-old who's trying to buy a house, and you're gonna fire me? Matthew, there is no longer a position here at the company, and so I am terminating your employment as of now.
[tense music.]
[whistles.]
[clicks tongue.]
Bleedle.
Bleedle.
The Beatles.
The Beatles.
Why am I here? I've never been upstairs.
Sir.
Uh, I'm usually down working in-- in-- in the factory.
Matthew, have you been taking classes? Private classes, which is great.
Yeah, it's every effective.
Dude, by the way, you're doing great.
Thank you.
What's your name again? - Larry.
- Larry? You believe in scripture? Scripture says that God does not do onto being fired and the employees of yea.
We have a very generous severance package, which should help you and your Catholic children with whatever you may need.
You don't want to fire me because I'm good at math.
I have theorems and all kinds of Canadian math problems.
I think Canadian math is pretty much the same as American math.
I'm threatening you, man.
I'm gonna throw a couple knives at you.
I got 'em right here underneath the table.
Matthew, there's no longer a position.
No! Never! You signed a contract.
There's just no longer a position for you here at the company.
I could-- I could do, like, web videos.
- Matthew-- - Actually, let-- let him finish.
You can do what kind of videos? So I could do little shorts.
I could do a little series of six episodes.
- Okay.
- So my friend has, like, a little camera and it does sound too.
So it looks really lo-fi, you know.
- Like, fast edits.
- Oh, I love that stuff.
You know, cut to the one guy, and then cut to the two guys, and then cut to the three guys, and then just do the joke at the end.
It kind of looks rough around the edges, but, like, that's kind of the charm of it.
You know, we really need someone like that.
Nadine, that's-- that's pretty much what I do.
No, but I could do it on the cheap.
'Cause I got a friend who could edit it.
So he can do it on the cheap, though.
And I think I'd like to give you a raise if-- if you're able to do that.
So, congratulations.
I'm not-- I'm not sure what's happening now.
- I just gave him a raise.
- Yeah, you did.
- Yeah.
- I failed.
I know, I wanted to stop you.
It was really tough.
- You're so convincing.
- He's really good.
And I'm such a sucker for content.
Fred, here he is.
Wait, wait, slow down.
Don't be too enthusiastic, you know what I mean? You could be pleasant, but they're rating you - as soon they see you.
- Okay.
So make a little smile, - and let's just go in calmly.
- Okay.
Here we go.
I'm gonna sit in the front.
Do you mind? - Hey, man.
How are you? - Hey, hey.
Hello.
Hi, wow, what a nice car.
It's so clean.
What's up, man? - [whip cracks.]
- How are you? You look good.
You know the destination, so make your way any way that you see fit.
- [horn honks.]
- Your eyes are on the road.
You're not even using your GPS, are you? You're not.
That's fantastic.
Hey, man, you thirsty? Have a bottle of water here in my pocket.
That's a gift for you.
See, that's the shirt I was telling you about, Carrie, the one I wanted to get that is, like, really expensive looking and makes everyone look really handsome.
This chair is great.
Where did you get this chair? Some Russian flags.
Are you from Russia? [speaking Russian.]
[laughter.]
- [brakes screech.]
- Whoa.
That was a great ride.
Thank you so much.
Great work.
Thank you.
[tires squeal.]
All right, so here we go.
Wait for it.
- [bell chimes.]
- Five stars.
Well, I feel like I'm ready to do it.
- You're gonna do it? - Yep.
- [phone chimes.]
- Here he comes, look.
Filat.
Filat? No.
That's "Fillip" with an "F.
" Oh, okay.
Well, I'll ride in the front this time.
- You ride in the back.
- No.
You're on your own.
You're gonna do this solo.
I believe in you.
- All right.
- Here's some water.
- The key is to agree.
- Okay.
That's the important part, okay? Whatever he says, go along with it.
Agree.
Thank you.
Hey.
So how are you today? All right.
Can't complain.
Good.
Um Smells great in here.
It's kind of a like a sweet and sour, actually.
Yeah, somebody threw up in the back last night.
I thought I got it all out.
Sorry.
Well, you did.
I mean, you-- you got it out.
I didn't notice it, personally.
- Oh.
- Um Would-- would you like a water? I-I brought you a water.
- You're giving me water? - Yeah.
You got water right there.
Wow, thanks.
We both have water.
Mm-hmm.
Get the AC up.
I-I just wanted to let you know that you could turn the air conditioning on, if you'd like.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
Wow, most chicks I know are always cold, you know? [chuckles.]
Weaker sex and whatnot.
Remember-- the key is to agree.
Right, I mean, they need shawls and the heat to be on.
It's-- it's 'cause they're weaker.
Really? 'Cause I was kind of, like, half-joking when I said that, but, uh - I was not joking.
- [laughs.]
Hey, I got a joke for you.
What's the difference between driving over here and driving in Japan? - What? - Well, over here, you got your wife on the right-hand side going, "Wah-wah-blah-blah-blah.
" And in Japan, your wife is on your left-hand side going, "Wah-wah-blah-blah-blah.
" [laughing.]
Yes.
What is so funny about that is that it's true.
Wow, I got to say, I had you pegged all wrong.
When I saw you get in the car, I went, "Okay, here's a typical Portland liberal, pro-choice feminazi.
" But [scoffs.]
You are cool.
I am cool.
I'm none of those things.
Hey, you know, you never told me where you wanted to go.
Oh, well, that's because I'm just kind of along for-- for your ride, for your day.
- So you just want to hang out? - Yeah.
- With me? - Sure.
- Go where I want to go? - Whatever you want to do.
- I-I'm here for you.
- Okay.
- I'm here for you.
- I was gonna make a stop at a gun store in a little bit, because I haven't been there in a while, but, I mean, you don't want to do that, do you? - [harp flourish.]
- You love guns.
I love guns.
- I love guns.
- So you want to come with me? Sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I totally do.
- Wow.
- You're the best.
- [imitates gunshot.]
[chuckles.]
Just kidding.
Of course it would not be loaded.
[rock music.]
- [moaning.]
- Breathe, honey.
Okay, so, I'm ask you to scoot down a little bit.
Get me a doctor, please, and small gloves.
[wincing.]
Okay.
- Knock, knock.
- [moaning.]
- Hi! - Yvonne.
We spoke on the phone.
Yeah, thanks for coming.
Hey, I'm Clem.
[both smooching.]
- Excuse me, but - You look beautiful.
Hi, I'm Yvonne.
[smooching.]
Hey, this is Paul.
It's okay.
We hired them to photograph the birth.
Yeah, we paid for this.
We just want it documented.
Hi, hi.
Nice to meet you.
- Big day.
- [smooching.]
- Big day.
- Okay.
- You look great.
- Your ad says - that you're discrete.
- Absolutely.
We had some ideas for some of the pictures.
- We've got - Okay, oh.
- Beautiful.
- Film noir kind of thing.
- I mean - Do you like that, sweetie? This is, uh, in case you guys want to have a little fun.
Oh, I love this one.
[camera shutter clicking.]
I think just some candid shots would be great.
Will you just stand by the monitor? That's great.
I love that.
Oh, I love that.
You have great bone structure.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
[moaning.]
Okay [moaning deeply.]
This side down.
Put it right under her This is great.
This is great.
This is money.
This is money.
- [whirring.]
- [moaning.]
Just-- stop it! Listen to me, I love that.
Let me just get some props here.
[playful music.]
I love this.
I love this.
This is great.
[dance music.]
Do you like the film noir? I can do this all night long - [moaning.]
- Eight nine Keep it-- keep your mouth shut there.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- [whirring.]
- Stop that! Oh! This is great.
This is great.
[baby crying.]
It's a girl! - It's a girl! - It's a baby girl.
- All right, I'm back.
- Where is it? - She's right over there.
- No, no, no, wait.
- I'm sorry.
- We missed the whole thing.
You have to put it back in.
Can you put the feet back in? Just a little bit of it.
Just the feet.
[birds chirping.]
[dance music ringtone.]
- Hello? - Hello, yes.
This is Caleb from Synth Card.
Are you the current account holder of a Fortune-preferred card ending in 6099? Yeah, that's me.
Ms.
Paulson, our fraud detection was triggered by a recent purchase.
Bridal veil is, uh, inconsistent with your purchase history.
I mean, 'cause we don't have any previous charges in your account to indicate any kind of engagement or long-term relationships.
I am someone that dates.
Look at this.
Meal, one.
Meal, one.
Meal, one.
- It doesn't-- - Drinks, one.
Drinks, one.
There's a meal with mashed potatoes and chopped chicken.
What's chopped chicken? Chicken.
According to our system, you aren't the type of person to buy a bridal veil.
Well, I am buying a bridal veil.
- Oh, you are? - Yeah.
Our apologies.
Congratulations on getting married.
I actually-- thanks, but I'm just the maid of honor.
You're just the maid of honor? You know, you're the maid of honor.
That's tremendous.
Look how much you're spending on things.
Yeah, I kind of didn't realize it would be this much work.
Yeah, well, you know what, you're gonna look great, 'cause of the elliptical you bought.
Get on there about 20 minutes a day, and you're gonna do just fine.
[dance music ringtone.]
- Hello? - Sandra Paulson.
We're like to verify your most recent purchase.
Well, yeah, I just bought a new glue gun, but that shouldn't trigger anything, 'cause I do crafts all the time.
I'm a premium Etsy member.
Yes, but this glue gun is industrial grade.
I would suggest you return it.
The other ones do exactly the same thing.
You're just paying for the box.
There's no reason.
Well, thank you for saving my life.
[chuckling.]
Hey, I've got a question for you.
I'm seeing here that you bought a book yesterday called "The True Path to Finding Your Soul Mate.
" You know, a friend of mine told me I had to buy that.
It's this friends who's been single, like, the whole time I've known her.
Well, maybe no more listening to her for advice.
- Don't you think? - Right.
- [chuckles.]
- Right.
No, declined, it's-- that is impossible.
[sighs.]
Oh, jeez.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Can you hold on a second? [exhales sharply.]
Hello? You've bought enough stuff for this wedding, all right? You cancel that order and you tell that bridezilla she can get her own personalized robes.
You know what? Caleb, you're right.
- [cheerful music.]
- You're right.
when you're with me it's brighter [music fades.]
[dance music ringtone.]
[laughs.]
Yeah? Don't you dare.
I know.
I know.
[soft piano music.]
Listen, I was thinking of going out to dinner tomorrow night and buying, like, an $800 bottle of wine.
[laughs.]
So, I guess you'll have to join me.
Oh, well You know I'll be there, Sandy.
[sighs.]
I'm, um, I'm really glad we did this.
Me too.
That was a lot of fun.
- Uh, I'd love-- - Oh, Sandra, you know what, my shift is ending.
I'm gonna turn you over to my associate.
- [phone beeps.]
- Wait.
What? [cheesy jazz music playing.]
Hello, this is Ricardo from Synth Card.
What's happening? Am I having dinner? [indistinct chatter.]
[gun clicks.]
Wow, you got your handy lever action right here.
Look at that scope.
Take a look at that.
- All right? - Wow, what a scope.
- Isn't that nice? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my goodness.
Right.
Doesn't that feel good? - So good.
- How good does this feel right now? You can get a bird.
You can get a deer.
You can get a rabbit.
You can, you know Uh, I've never felt closer to anyone.
Carrie, I got your text.
What's happening? You told me to agree with everything the driver said, and I did, and he said he wanted to go buy a gun.
Let's just get out of here.
Okay? But I am so close to getting that 5-star passenger rating.
So just stick with me here.
Okay, hurry up.
This place makes me very nervous.
I know.
I'm sorry.
So what's your, uh-- what's your favorite gun? My favorite? I don't know.
I mean, how do you choose? - There's so many.
- Right.
I know, there are so many.
Right, Fred? You know, yeah.
- That's right.
- Hey, how are you, buddy? How are you? I'm Fred.
How you doing? Yeah, this your-- this your gal here? - This your fella? - Yeah.
- You got a good one here.
- You do have a good one, Fred.
- Yeah.
- All right.
So what are we gonna do today? Are we gonna load you up? Well, um Do you-- do you have squirt guns or [laughs.]
What did I tell you about her? - You're right-- - You are funny! By the way, squirt guns are not very cool.
You know what, I-I actually agree, because I think it really just kind of normalizes the behavior of having kids around guns.
No, no, no.
It makes guns seem like a toy, and guns are not toys.
What you want to do, you know - Whoa.
- This is a Walther PPK.
Now, you want to wait till they're a little bit older, want to just be casual with it so that they see that it's-- Every time you point it to me, I want to put my hands up.
- Oh.
- It's the strangest thing.
Immediately.
I don't know what it is.
All right.
Let's get you loaded up.
Okay.
[dramatic music.]
[eagle screeches.]
[gun clicks.]
So heavy.
Whoa.
- [glass shatters.]
- I I'm just gonna go look at these.
The rifles and stuff.
Thank you.
Five stars.
[camera shutter clicks.]
[laughing.]
All right.
Wow.
Hey, I got to tell you something, Carrie.
You are the best passenger I've ever had, hands down.
I didn't know it could be like this.
Thank you so much.
I mean, Fillip, I had a great day and a great ride.
Five stars for five stars, right? Did you just call me Fillip? Well, yeah, yeah.
It's Fillip with an "F," right? No.
It's Filat.
Filat.
Wow, I thought we were friends.
But, no, you're just like every other woman I know: cunning, deceitful, and unable to pronounce my name! But you're still gonna give me five stars, right? Five stars my ass! I went to a gun store with you! I told you his name was Filat.
- Oh, Filat.
- Fred-- now I'm a 1.
3.
- I'm a 1.
3! - Oh, no.
[somber music.]
[sobbing.]
- [horn honks.]
- [screams.]
that's how you die a lonely man [moody blues music.]
I'm from the Napa area.
Beautiful country up here, up by the rolling hills.
Gorgeous.
You should see it sometime.
The colors.
Nice drive.
[applause.]