Rick and Morty (2013) s07e09 Episode Script

1
Hello? Hello?
- Hello, Jerry.
- Nana!
Are you ready to come to the light?
Uh, I'm not sure. Where's Pop Pop?
He's not coming out to meet you anymore
because honestly, Jerry,
this is getting annoying.
It's not my fault!
My father-in-law asked me to
help him gather data and
Agh! Not agaaaaaain!
[GASPING]
Okay, run diagnostics.
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
Holy shit, this is consistent.
- This is real.
- What have you done?
You've got my grandparents pissed at me.
They'll forgive you because
they're zero-mass
fields of consciousness
preserved by a-a paradimensional
layer of infinite energy?
Morty, there's kind of
a heaven! Kind of!
I-I mean there definitely is for
a neurotypical like your father.
His conscious connection to a
localized cultural model of infinity
functions like a wick,
sucking his little mind
straight towards a source
of energy strong enough
to support collective projection.
Great, so there's a heaven.
Glad you could learn that by
murdering me eight times.
He's got kind of a point, Rick.
If you want to get into heaven,
can't you just stop being an asshole?
First of all, I don't want
to "get into" anywhere.
I want to tap this
paradimension's energy.
Secondly, you wouldn't catch me dead
in Jerry's generic-ass 1980s concrete
and fog machine heaven.
Well, guess what?
You aren't welcome there!
You raise a good point,
Jerry, obviously by accident.
My intact consciousness is too atheistic
to get channelled to any
afterlife worth robbing.
It's a paradox.
Unless
Morty, pack your parka.
We're going to Norway.
[GROANS]
Or I can augment your skin
with subdermal heaters
I'll pack a parka.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Infinite energy, Morty.
You don't even know
how to appreciate that
because you've never
been in energy debt.
Fuck you. I've been tired.
- Perfect!
-
I'm going to Valhalla, Morty!
Your grandpa's going to
be the first Valhallanaut!
Feel the excitement!
Getting back will be easy.
Once the machine turns on,
I'll have set up the
other side of the relay.
FEMALE VOICE: Phoenix
Protocol initiated.
Just hit that big red button
to pull me into this body.
But how are you getting there?
I-I refuse to kill you again.
I-I'm desensitized, Rick.
I took some kind of test in school,
a-and the counsellor had
to call Homeland Security.
Not your problem, Morty.
I need to die in glorious battle
against a mighty enemy.
That's why I got Bigfoot
in this Poké Ball.
Bigfoot is your enemy?
Well, I doubt he's a fan.
I stuffed him into a ball.
I mess with him all the time.
These Vikings don't have
real tight bylaws, Morty.
This is basically their equivalent
of Native American burial grounds.
Bigfoot's dumb enough to attack
whatever's in front of him.
And all I gotta do is die.
What happens to Bigfoot after?
Morty, Bigfoot is a "B" story.
The "A" story is he kills me
and you hit the button.
- Got it?
- Got it.
[GULPING]
All right, let's do this!
[GRUNTING]
[ROARING]
[GRUNTING]
Oh! [GROANING]
[GRUNTING]
Oh, snap, I-I did it!
Valhalla, baby! I'm Dead Rick!
[HORN BLOWING, ALL SHOUTING]
Oh, shit, I'm dead Rick.
- [WEAPONS CLANG]
- [GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
- [GASPS]
- [ALL CHEERING]
Welcome to Valhalla, brother.
We thought all Vikings had perished.
Ah. Nope. I was I was a straggler.
How's it work here again?
We fight! We die! We feast!
And then we fight again!
Ha-ha! Cheers, everybody, cheers!
So, is there a time
window between battles
where a guy could go off and,
I don't know, gather resources?
Yes, now you'll receive your Armour.
Knock, knock.
Oh, wow.
You're a new arrival.
What do you require?
Honestly, I-I'd love to
take most of your tools.
I'd planned on starting from scratch,
but you're, like, way
past the Iron Age here,
saves me a lot of time.
I make only the finest for Valhalla.
Beautiful hammer.
So, in Valhalla, what happens
when we get knocked out?
- Then we're just knocked out.
- Cool.
Oh, wow, is that a thing Vikings love?
[GRUNTING]
[CRYING]
Oh, God, brutal.
[GRUNTING]
Wait, what?
Bigfoot do you have religion?
Y-Y-You understand me, don't you?
D-Does Rick do this to you all the time?
[GRUNTS, CRYING]
He messes with me, too.
Easy, there, big guy. Easy.
[SCREAMS]
[CRUNCHING]
[GRUNTING]
[GLASS SHATTERS, ALARM BLARING]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
[BANGING]
[HORN BLOWS]
[ALL SHOUTING]
Oh, shit!
[WEAPONS CLANGING, ALL SHOUTING]
[LAUGHING]
Look at this little one!
You must be made of
piss and dragon balls
to reach Valhalla at your age!
Oh, yeah! Y-Yeah, man!
Dr-Dragon Balls all day.
H-Hey, h-have you guys seen
an old skinny guy around here?
Of course!
But wait, where did that guy go?
He should have his Armour by now.
[BIRD SCREECHES]
What in the mighty whale's wooden cock?
The old man! He's some kind of witch!
A friend of yours?
What? Why would I be
friends with a witch?
I was just asking.
Well, that's really offensive, man!
What is this, Judgmenthalla?
I don't know until I ask, all right?
Somebody around here
gonna make me some pants,
or do I have to call
the feds on this place?
Surrender, witch!
Easy, guys. Th-This was
all a test, and you passed.
- I'm actually Odin.
- Odin?
Yep, Thor's father,
Spider-Man's uncle, et cetera.
I came here to do like an
"Undercover Boss" thing,
making sure Valhalla's running smooth,
which it is, and as your reward,
I'm assembling this majestic
transdimensional energy relay,
which none of you should ever touch,
or it'll make your goats
have haemorrhoids, understood?
And you need nothing from us?
I'm only here for a few hours,
but since you're asking, I'd
kill for a beer and a sandwich.
Beef, cheese, no onions
- Is someone writing this down?
- Ow, my balls, ow, my balls,
- ow, my balls!
- Morty? Why are you here?
You are friends with the witch!
[SIGHS]
What the fuck, Morty!
You're my ride home!
Bigfoot killed me!
He killed you, he killed me,
and he was going to kill your clone.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, Morty, no!
I-I opened the cage.
Bigfoot was burying your body.
- He He was mourning you!
- He does that.
Morty, any big idiot can pretend
to believe in the afterlife.
That's why we're dealing
with these fucking guys.
They're just Norwegian Bigfoots.
Jesus Christ, run this cable over there.
We don't have much time.
[GRUNTING]
♪♪
Hull breach imminent.
Initiating survival protocol.
[GRUNTS]
Aah! [CHATTERING]
♪♪
♪♪
[TIRES SCREECH]
[ROARS]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[ALL GASP]
[GRUNTING]
- [ROARS]
- [DARTS FIRE]
[GRUNTS, CHATTERING]
[GRUNTING]
[DARTS FIRING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
We'll take it from here.
And who are you?
CIA? Interpol?
We work for the man upstairs.
[BELLS RINGING]
Hello, Bigfoot. I'm-a the Pope.
I'm sure you don't know what that means.
Which is why I've been
so eager to acquire you.
The Church, you see, has many
enemies, but also many rules.
We can't kill.
We can't command a man to kill.
But you are not a man.
You are a thinking beast
from outside God's domain,
which will make you the
Vatican's greatest weapon.
Your holiness, he is wild.
He can't be controlled.
Ah, but we know what he wants.
- [MUFFLED GRUNTING]
- [GRUNTING]
Yes, my child. Yes.
You will have your naked imbecile.
But first, you will work for me.
[CRANKING]
[HORN BLOWING, ALL SHOUTING]
Morty! Heads up! Incoming wave.
[ALL SHOUTING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
Clear!
They're sending more every time.
It's fine. I'll upgrade
the turret's rate of fire,
but I need to finish this relay.
You need to figure out how
to get us back to life!
Without my infinite energy?
I-I don't think you're thinking
this through, Morty.
I-If we manage to get home,
we don't get another shot at this.
Y-You think the next time
these idiots see a naked man
on the battlefield, they're
gonna give him a beer?
So you'd rather stay dead until you win
than live as a loser?
Maybe you belong here with these idiots.
Yeah, I could probably teach
them how to hit a red button!
I said I was sorry.
And I said keep killing them
while I finish the relay.
And I will get us back home. Okay?
Okay.
[ALL SHOUTING]
[EXPLOSION, ALL SCREAM]
[ALL GRUNTING, SHOUTING]
[ALL SHOUTING]
♪♪
[ALL SCREAM]
[ALL GRUNTING, SHOUTING]
[SHUSHING]
[DRONES BUZZING]
Oh. Oh, no.
[ALL SHOUTING]
Okay, I'm done here.
- You ready to get back to living?
- Yeah, but how?
Morty, infinite energy
means infinite energy.
All I have to do is pull a lever
to send us back home into new bodies.
Then voilà, no more need for crystals.
But the second we turn our back,
those guys are just going
to trash this place.
Oh, Morty. Ye of little faith.
Do we even need to attack him?
[EXPLOSION, ALL SCREAM]
- [GROANING]
- [SHOUTS]
[EXPLOSION]
[GROANING]
[EXPLOSION]
[GROANING]
I told you I was Odin,
you faithless heretics!
And I'll keep blowing you
up in this pit forever
unless you follow these commandments.
Spider-Man?
There's 10 of them,
but they basically revolve around
not going near the energy relay.
Is anybody going to go
near the energy relay?
Okay. You have pleased me.
I'll get you, guys
some kind of a ladder.
Target is in sight.
Excellent. Release the bait.
I just love worshiping
the devil with you guys.
[ALL GASP]
[GRUNTS, CHATTERING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
[ROARS]
[ALL SHOUTING]
[GRUNTING]
♪♪
Who are you?
Only the Pope wants to
kill us, but he can't kill
[ROARS]
Yes. Very good.
But we can do even better.
[ROARING]
[GRUNTING]
POPE: You work-a for the Vatican!
Our enemies are your enemies!
[ROARING]
[BIGFOOT GRUNTING]
Yes! Yes!
- [BIGFOOT GRUNTING]
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[BELLS RINGING]
Here, my sweet. This will
help you communicate.
I traded a Predator
three muskets for it.
So it is their currency?
Give me what you promised.
Yes, child, you've earned it.
All right, Morty, wanna
grab a mead for the road?
- Nah, I'm good.
- Then here we go!
Man, I take back everything
bad I said about clone vats.
There's a method to the madness, Morty.
- [CORK POPS]
- [SLURPS]
And now infinite energy, baby!
[BUZZING]
What the
Someone's hacking into the
Earth-bound side of my relay, Morty.
Pretty crazy,
whoever's doing this would
have to be a spiritual leader
with limitless resources.
In fact, I guess there's
only really one
[BIGFOOT ROARS]
You're fucked.
- [GRUNTS] Fuck.
- It is over.
My torment ends now.
[GRUNTS]
[SCREAMS]
What the hell?
Are you seriously working for the Pope?
The Pope saw my potential.
Prepare to be crushed by Bigfoot.
[GRUNTS]
- Ha ha.
- Don't worry, Morty.
I've got this under control.
Jesus Christ, Rick, just apologize.
You assumed Bigfoot was dumb,
- which was dumb of you.
- You're right, Morty.
Underestimating people only
gives them the high ground.
Admit why you bullied me.
Because I thought it was
funny that you were stupid.
People are intelligent
in different ways.
I know, I know.
I-I'm clearly stupid at knowing
when other people are smart.
- [GRUNTS]
- [GRUNTING]
Listen, I know you
can't tap your gauntlet,
but I'll take a guess
at what you're saying.
You hate me because I tortured
you to get what I want.
- Rick!
- But I only used you to kill myself!
How many people have
you killed for the Pope?
[GRUNTS]
Help me stop him,
and I'll make it right.
For starters, here.
Ow, that hurt. Wait a second.
Yeah, hands-free.
- Also upgraded that voice.
- Thank you.
In a world where time
actually is money
Ooh, I-I think I know this movie.
You guys can do this bit
at the Vatican. Let's go.
Oh, hey, Bigfoot.
What you got back there, eh?
Rick and Morty.
Uh, dead. For Pope.
Aye, that's them.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
All right, last thing, I just
got to take a sharp stick
and stab them both.
That's just the rules.
- Hyah!
- [HORSE NEIGHS]
[ALL SCREAM]
Sorry, Morty, so much for the quiet way.
- I appreciate that we tried.
- It's a fucked-up rule.
[GUARDS SCREAM]
Poooooooooooooooope!
[SCREAMS]
It's over, the Pope. We got you.
[LAUGHING]
See, this is why religion sucks.
Infinite energy, and the Pope uses it
to levitate like Criss Angel.
[SCREAMS]
All right, wow, not
how I saw that going.
I guess getting killed by the energy
sent us up the conduit to its source.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh, fuck.
No, no, just need some
clothes and horses.
Maybe not for Bigfoot.
Unless he wants clothes?
[ROARS]
Ah, excuse me, Lord Odin.
Is this a test?
Yup, yup. Uh, you passed!
[GROANS]
Ewww, feet so small.
Why is he in a clone of Summer?
Statistically speaking, she's
the third most likely to die.
All right, let's kill
that son of a bitch.
Hold on, I can see where this is going.
[WHIRRING]
♪♪
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Poooooooooooope!
Aah!
- [GRUNTING]
- [SCREAMS]
♪♪
[SCREAMS]
[WHIRRING]
[BELL DINGS]
- Wow.
- I gotta admit, Morty.
I didn't really fight that time.
- I wanted to make sure this worked.
- Handsome.
Yeah, you like that? Bigger feet!
Even gave your brain a little more lobe.
Thank you! Me love it.
- Me
- Dial it back.
You don't wanna come
across like a Muppet.
Ooh-hoo-hoo.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Poooooooooope!
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMING]
Maybe we just portal
right up close to the guy
instead of doing the guards every time.
- [GRUNTS]
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[BELL DINGS]
[ALL SHOUT]
[GRUNTS]
[ALL GRUNT]
[BELL DINGS]
Maybe bigger chin?
Look at this. He's fucking giving notes.
Bigfoot, come on, w-we need you
to put a little more fight in.
If need help, Bigfoot do know some guys.
Pope has other monsters captive.
Man, you guys really don't quit.
I can do this all day.
Yeah, but these guys can do it
[ROARS]
- All night!
- [HOWLS]
Wow, big anticlimax!
Mummy, you look good!
This afterlife smells like beer.
I guess this is what
infinite energy looks like.
Fuck. Really wish we had time
to unpack all of Frankenstein's
parts making it here.
Bigfoot, take these guys up to the relay
and prepare for a siege.
What are you gonna do, Rick?
Listen, I'm not really your god,
just an old man who wanted
to cheat your system.
Guys like me think we can run the joint
because everyone is so dumb.
But it's a dumb universe.
I work for you.
The customer is always right.
Give me 10 Viking minutes after we leave
and then pull the plug on that
windmill we made over there.
And this isn't a trick?
Is your mother's pussy a trick?
- Hey!
- Kick his ass!
Go, Morty, go!
Why the hell did you do that?!
The only way to end this is by
turning off the power, Morty!
But we have to get home!
That's what these guys are for!
Monsters, hold the line!
Everyone but Bigfoot!
TOGETHER: Hoo-rah!
[ALL SHOUTING]
That wasn't them leaving, right?
No vay. That vould be cold-blooded.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Pooooooooope!
Who do you-a bring this time?
The Harlem Globetrotters?
That's actually a good pitch.
It's over for you, Pope!
Time to atone for your sins.
Bigfoot, you were God's
greatest assassin.
Now look at you
hairless with normal feet.
Yes! [LAUGHS EVILLY]
Rick, the energy relay's still up!
Shit, was really counting on
those monsters to lose faster.
[LAUGHING]
Huh?
That's more like it.
Pour one out for the Wolfman.
I don't understand.
You know what they say,
when God closes an
infinite energy relay
Nooooo!
God damn
[WARBLING]
[VIDEO GAME TUNE PLAYS]
All right, I'm just gonna say it
so nobody else has to say it.
- Popey Ball. There.
- Okay.
If I didn't say anything,
someone was gonna be like,
"You missed Popey Ball.
It was right there."
I thought about not using a
Poké Ball because of that,
and it's just the right
tool for the right job.
W-What, am I supposed to not use it
and shoot the Pope in the head?
I was gonna say it.
Wait, w-why are we at the woods?
Time to go on home, big fella.
Oh. Uh, okay.
You're free. Just go!
You guys are being weird.
Stop making this so hard for us!
Go on. Why can't you go back
where you came from?
Ow! You don't have to throw
things at me to say goodbye.
Just go!
I'm not an animal anymore.
I-I was hoping I could
I could get a job and Ow!
- Go on! Get!
- Get out of here!
I'm going. I'm going, okay?
Ow! Stop throwing things!
- Ow!
- Go!
- Okay, I'm leaving.
- Get out of here!
- Okay.
- Go on, get!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
[CROWD CHEERING]
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS]
[ROARS]
Wha Wha?
Oh!
[ROARS]
[SIREN WAILING]
What kind of sick sons of bitches
These things are trained to fight.
I don't want to hear it, Henderson.
Wh-What year is it?
Who's the Pope?
Shit if I know.
Let me check.
- [BUTTONS CLICKING]
- This guy, apparently.
[CHATTERING]
Nooooo!