Shameless US s07e09 Episode Script
Ouroboros
1 Oh, did you miss another episode of Shameless? Jesus Christ.
Look, find a fuckin' five-year-old to help you program your DVR or something.
You guys can come back and visit anytime.
And if DCFS calls, I could really use your support.
Where's Franny? We're gonna keep her awhile, Debbie.
What? What do you what? You may be able to trick DCFS, but you can't trick us.
Hey! Give me back my baby! Your appeal hearing.
Thought you might come around.
You could have a bright future, but we stand by your expulsion.
Don't don't keep me from my son.
Hey.
I told you, go away, asshole! Jesus Christ, Lip! Stop! - Lip, please! - Hey! I'm sorry.
I already have one other control addict in my life.
I don't need two.
(KEV) You steal my van, which I love, and and you sell it, and you spend my money on all of this? - Where are the kids? - They're upstairs with my aunt.
You don't even know if she's related to that lady.
Go get 'em.
- Kevin - I mean it! (FIONA) This seemed easy.
Now I feel like a fuckin' idiot.
Free drinks for a full week if you come help me out right now for a few hours.
(FIONA) You can stay on the floor in the back if you leave Etta out of it.
(FRANK) Deal.
(FUNKY ROCK MUSIC) (SPEAKING RUSSIAN) Stop! I have to ask you something! Why was the broom late for the meeting? It overswept.
(LAUGHS) Stay out! Oh, you commie cunt.
Frank! It's me, baby.
Great.
I fucked up.
I know I fucked up.
I fucked up bad, but I-I'm gonna make it up to you and the kids.
Frankie.
I need your help.
You could at least turn around and look at me.
Frank? Go fuck yourself.
(LOCK CLICKS) Shit.
(ROCK MUSIC) Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? (LOCK CLICKS) Fiona.
Monica.
Hi.
How are you? Fine.
How are the rest of the kids? Good.
Can I see 'em? Everybody's sleepin'.
Could you and I talk for a minute? Nope.
(SIGHS) Debbie? Brought you some hot cocoa.
This is breast milk.
Do you want me to walk it up? You gonna go back to Neil's today? He came by Patsy's last night.
He feels awful about all this.
Monica's back.
(KNOCKING) Got your breast milk! You know, I'm gettin' real tired of comin' around here every morning.
This is bullshit.
Just give us the baby back already.
The DCFS has all the info they need to place Franny with us.
If Debbie keeps sleeping on the lawn, I'm gonna call the cops.
We should be the ones callin' the cops.
Kidnapping is worse than trespassing.
Just hand us the baby, and we'll all go back to our lives.
We'll see you tomorrow at the DCFS meeting.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) (IAN) Anyone important? Someone named "Answer at Your Own Risk.
" (IAN) Oh.
Shit.
It's my mom.
Didn't even know you had a mom.
Haven't talked to her in months.
What's she like? Uh, unmedicated.
Bipolar.
Drug addict.
Mm.
My kind of gal.
(PHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING) Kidding.
(VIBRATING CONTINUES) Are you gonna text her? Um Later.
You can't just dive into Monica.
You got to dip your toe in slowly.
Mm.
Should we, um, invite her to the Backend tonight? - Could be a hoot.
- Yeah, for you, maybe.
I am charming.
Parents love me.
I don't know.
Um Monica's brand of crazy can be kind of terrifying sometimes.
Mm.
I don't scare easy.
I'm gonna shower.
Think about it.
(ETTA) Great TV.
Who bought it? You did, with your credit card, and then I called and returned it and canceled the order.
Then you bought it again, so we kept it.
You also bought those new washers.
I got 'em hooked up last night.
Well, how about that? Yeah, I told Wendell we should've years ago.
Hey.
You clockin' in? Yeah, just wanted to check out the new digs.
Where'd all the cats go? Uh, upstairs.
We're gonna soft-open today.
There's a coffee station.
Free pie.
Oh, and I'm starting a fluff-and-fold service.
The dry cleaner over on 83rd and Racine, he got bought by the Shake Shack, and the guy said that I can just have his laundry scale.
And those things are, like, 500 bucks.
Sweet.
Ooh, can I be your first Yelp review? Sure, as long as it's a rave.
Hey, love of my life.
I got your prescriptions, some heat cream and a bran muffin.
Oh.
You are so good to me, Wendell.
I'm the luckiest girl on the planet.
Well, it's the least I could do after that wild flight of passion you commandeered last night.
Oh, my.
Was I any good? You were a tiger.
Aw, thanks! (GIGGLES) Oh, poopsie, would you rub my knees? They hurt somethin' awful.
Absolutely, my love.
I got to admit.
It's the happiest I've seen her in a while.
She's got you washing her sheets, managing her doctors visits, buying her food.
Well, it's a cheap price to pay for a warm bed, a kind heart, and cable TV.
Monica's back.
Yes, she is.
- You saw her? - Who's Monica? Ancient history, my love.
How's this feeling? Like heaven.
(CHUCKLES) The homeless shelter's down the street, lady.
Get up! (GROANS) What? - Oh, my God.
- Holy shit.
Monica? Deb.
Oh, my God.
You're a woman.
What are you doing here? Well, I'm I'm back.
I'm looking for Frank.
He isn't here.
No, I know.
I saw him.
He wouldn't talk to me.
I was hoping that you kids could help me out.
You should go.
Okay.
Maybe a cup of coffee before I go? I mean, it's kind of cold out here.
Look, Monica, my baby got stolen, and I have to go get her back.
You have a baby? Yes.
Oh, my God! I'm a grandma! Oh! - Later.
- See you, man.
Catch you later, man.
(CLOCK PUNCHES) (HUMMING) Hey.
Hey, how's Lucas? (CLOCK PUNCHES) I'm sorry.
Again.
Did you call the police? Yeah, like, 80 times.
They're useless.
DCFS too.
They don't even seem to care that Franny got kidnapped.
(MONICA) What? Wow.
Monica? - Hey, Kev.
- Hey.
What brings you back? Uh, it was time.
So, you staying here? Oh, sleeping on the couch until I get over my two wives betraying me.
What? (KEV) Long story.
No luck this morning, Debs? No.
I miss her so much.
A part of my body's been chopped off.
That is exactly the way I felt the first time they took Fiona from me.
I screamed my throat raw.
Tore my hair out.
And I was on acid, but awful.
I didn't neglect my baby because I was on drugs.
I'm a good mom.
I would never do half the shit that you did to us.
What are you even doing here? Well (GASPS) Liam! Look at you! Who are you? I'm Monica.
I'm Mama.
Oh.
He's huge.
Oh, my God.
And so We are getting your baby back.
(ROCK MUSIC) Whoa, you sure you want to do that? Nobody takes my fucking granddaughter.
All right, stand back, honey, 'cause it's gonna get rude.
Attention, residents! According to the bylaws of Public Act 94-704 The child is only granted custody to the grandparents only when the child's mother is deemed unfit by the court, which has not happened yet! - Nor has the baby been - (SPEAKING SPANISH) In any physical danger.
Nor has the child's home been deemed hazardous by a social worker! So you have no legal right to keep Franny from her mom! So give us the fucking baby! I'm calling the cops! What the hell is going on? - Give us the fuck - Franny! I'm getting my motherfucking granddaughter back.
Get back, bitch! Before I knock those cheap extensions right off your head! - (FRANNY CRYING) - Go! Go! Go! Go! You're gonna fuckin' burn! (FRANK) She's a hot piece of ass, your mother.
Don't get me wrong.
But within that fine mortal husk lies a rotting pile of filth, and I don't want her soiling you, so, from now on, you fight.
Fight Mama? Yes, my son.
Fight her with every muscle in your wee body, or she will drag you into her pit of despair and murder your soul.
So Remember, whenever you see the blonde woman with the green boots and the blue parka, you yell, "Stranger, danger," and kick her until an adult shows up.
Okay.
All right, go make the rich kids feel bad.
Later.
(DISTANT SIREN WAILS) (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) Here's your fair-trade coffee.
- Great, thank you.
- (CHUCKLES) Hey, you want me to write me a good Yelp review? Hell yeah.
Okay.
Hi, everybody! I'm Fiona.
I'm the owner at Wendell's.
I just wanted to let you know that today, when you buy a cup of our organic roast, you're gonna get a free piece of homemade pie.
So, tell your friends.
Enjoy.
I'll mention the pie in my review.
Perfect.
Hello, love.
I brought lunch.
Uh, vegetarian chili, Spanish sardines, and the hell? Pickled baloney? I'm not eating that shit.
Why don't we ever go out anymore? You're right.
We don't.
Let's go scare us up a real meal.
Whoopee! (CHUCKLES) You got any cash? Well, I took out some walking-around money from the bank yesterday.
Let me just put on my face.
Okay.
Whoa.
Holy moly.
What? If someone gave this place a bad review, would you want to know about it? We've been open, like, four hours.
- How bad? - Bad.
Yeah, read it to me.
Quietly.
"I was unfortunate enough to attend the soft open of my local Laundromat early this morning.
Used to be a cool, shabby joint run by a mean old cat lady, but the current owner is apparently some clueless Southside chick.
If I could give this place negative stars, I would.
" And then, in all caps: "DO NOT SPEND MONEY HERE!!!!" Four exclamation points.
Four? Amazing.
Who is this person? Jesse.
Cute picture.
Let me see.
(SCOFFS) She looks about 15.
Yelping since July 2009.
- Oh.
- (LAUGHS) (SIERRA) She must live around here.
All her recent reviews are of the nearby places.
Frank, are you gonna let her go out like that? You're kidding.
She's a knockout.
If anyone asks, I am on a date with my radiant and captivating wife.
(ETTA GIGGLES) (CELL PHONE RINGING) (KNOCKING) Yeah, come in.
- Did I wake you? - (LIP) No.
No, I can't sleep.
- Working nights sucks.
- Oh, I feel you.
Yeah, I'm about to hose off.
You mind if I borrow your razor? - I left mine at home.
- Sure, yeah.
And a clean pair of socks, some deodorant, and some tweezers.
So, Monica's back, huh? Yeah, when you think you're gettin' out of here? (KEV) I don't know, man.
I-I didn't plan on staying this long.
I want V back, but I don't trust Lana, and V wants me back, but not without Lana, and who knows what Lana wants? We're like the "hour-obe-ras.
" Like the what? Snake eating its own tail.
- I saw a label in the Alibi.
- Sure that's how you say that? Well, whatever.
We're stuck.
And I don't even know who to ask for for advice.
It's like the only time you see this kind of thing is on Maury Povich.
Should we do that? - Do what, Maury Povich? - Yeah, he's got experts.
Yeah, V wouldn't allow it.
Plane tickets aren't cheap.
Who's local? That bald, chubby, Richard-Pryor-lookin' dude.
Steve Harvey? I'll call him.
Nothing to lose.
(FRANK) I could've predicted she'd bail on us.
Chaos junkie.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, my good man.
But can you blame me? That's what I fell for.
She was electric.
The first night I met her, she threatened to put a cigarette out on my arm.
I dared her to do it.
And look.
After I stopped screaming from the pain, we fucked like rabbits.
And from that night on, I knew I would give up everything for that woman.
Oh, my God, we had fun.
Listen to me.
I sound like I'm still stuck on her.
She burrows under my skin like a fucking tick.
Evil.
Oh, my God, and the years I wasted, broken up over her.
I don't know you.
Sure, you do.
It's it's me, Wendell, your poopsie.
Wendell's dead.
(BABIES TALKING INDISTINCTLY) - Hey.
- Hi.
Is Lana here? She just left for the Alibi.
(SIGHS) Hey, little Gemma.
Hey, little Amy.
Hey, boy from the mother I'm still pissed at.
Gemma tenderized Amy's skull with an Etch A Sketch before lunch.
I think they miss their daddy.
Their daddy misses them too.
Daddy also misses holding their mommy at night.
One of their mommies.
The other mommy, he's still confused about.
- When will he figure it out? - He doesn't know.
He thinks they should get help with it.
What kind of help? So, I called Steve Harvey.
Not the guy.
The show.
To see if they'd take us.
Take us where? On the air? Yeah, kind of.
He said they're focused on weddings, divorces, celebrities, obese women over 40, and may do alternative families next year, and I was like, "I can't wait that long.
I got no clean drawers, and my junk hasn't been lady-touched in a week.
" - So they gave me phone numbers.
- For what? Marriage counselors.
I don't know what else to do, V.
We can't keep going around in circles like the "hour-obe-ras.
" - The what? - The "hour-obe-ras.
" That that new tequila we got at the Alibi.
It had a snake eating its own tail.
We can't be the only throuple on Earth that's gone through this, right? Marriage therapists have seen this stuff all the time.
They'll know what to do.
(SIGHS) Oh, look at her.
Those cheeks! She must've missed you so much.
Daughters always miss their mommies.
Do you miss me? You disappeared.
Again.
Well, I'm here now, and I'm staying put.
(LOUD CLANGING) All minors out of the bar, or else I pour gas on you and light matches.
She can't go out.
The cops are prowling around, looking for a red-headed teenager and a loony blonde with a bat.
I'm not going home.
I'm going to Neil's.
He misses us.
Good call.
I'm gonna hang here in case Frank shows up.
Where you gonna sleep? I'll find someplace.
You can crash with us tonight.
- Really? - Yeah.
Aw, Deb.
You're a doll.
Thanks.
Can you take my duffel too? Sure.
Here's our address.
Our key's under the mat.
We're unit one.
Thank you so And thank you for making me a grandmother.
I haven't been this happy since the summer you were born.
Winter.
My birthday's in December.
See you later.
I'm a motherfucking grandma! - Whoo! - (MONICA) Thank you.
I got to freshen up for Frank.
Show him I still got it.
Got what? Crabs or herpes? - So, I talked to Kev.
- And? He thinks we should go see a throuples counselor.
I said I'd talk to you about it.
Hey, yo, V, can I get whatever's cheap and ugly? Maybe we can go once? If we hate it, we don't have to go again.
- Okay.
- Really? We go to throuple counsel.
We go and sit in front of old man with shit breath.
Talk about fucking.
He takes notes.
He goes home and spanks his monkey.
If you both want this, I do it for you.
His drink's on me! No, no, I got my own drink.
- Monica? - Hey, V.
Last ball, I got side-titty.
Boom! Who is this spastic woman? Frank's wife.
The kids' mother.
Kids have a mother? (VERONICA) Barely.
You gonna tell us where you've been, Monica? Iowa.
Some Shitsville roadhouse off the 80.
Bunch of truckers.
More guns than teeth in that place.
Once, I saw a guy skin a buck in the parking lot with a rock and a rope.
Wow, civility is alive and well.
So, what brings you back to town? Frank and the kids.
I'm gonna make good.
You hear that, Lip? I got a plan.
I'm gonna set you and the kids up for life.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES) (SIGHS) I trust you licked your wounds by now.
What do you want? (YOUENS) I scored you an interview.
Hedge fund.
Just went public.
- Internship? - (YOUENS) Yes.
- No.
No, thanks.
- (YOUENS) But this one pays.
I need you to go in tomorrow morning.
Early.
Real early.
We're on Wall Street time.
Come on.
I feel rotten I put you through that board of appeal bullshit.
Ease my conscience and make a buck.
Two birds, one stone.
I don't know.
You still washing diner dishes? (LIP) Text me the details, okay? Good.
Don't blow it.
Yep.
Etta? What are you doin'? Bus is late.
This isn't a bus stop.
That explains it.
Have you seen Wendell? (FRANK) There you are! I got your leftovers, your purse, your coat.
You just ditched Etta? What, Monica showed up? I didn't ditch anyone.
She left of her own free will.
And fuck Monica.
My heart is a dead, black hunk of coal as far as she's concerned.
Come on, poopsie.
Laundromat is just around the corner.
Let's get you in a hot bath.
(BAR MUSIC PLAYING) (GROANS) For fuck's sake.
Where the hell is Frank? Probably with that batty old broad from the Laundromat.
Frank's living with a woman? Shit.
V, another tequila.
How long you plan on sticking around this time? Forever.
Hey, babe? Yo, when's our liquor vendor supposed to come? - Tomorrow.
- Good.
He botched up our booze order.
Damn snake tequila.
(MONICA) So I got Debbie's baby back for her.
Let me do something for you.
What do you need? Money? Something for college? I'm not in college anymore.
Why not? (VERONICA) Got drunk.
Smashed a car up with a crowbar.
They kick you out for that? Kids get drunk and smash shit up all the time.
It's what college is for.
Those jerks.
Well, in ten years, when you cure cancer, they're gonna come at you with an honorary Hey, Monica, fuck off, huh? (CELL PHONE CHIMES) And I don't know where she's at with her meds, so if it turns into a total shit show I'll still want to bang you.
Probably more.
What? They can't close down the entire place for one party.
Ah, fuck.
Uh We can hit that cowboy car that we passed down the street.
- Oh, no, they card.
- You're over 21.
It's all slimy queens jacking off into urinals anyway.
Then don't use the bathroom, all right? Hey.
I'm paying.
One drink, then we'll, I don't know, go grab food somewhere else.
I'm not going to a place where they fucking card at the door, okay? (MONICA) Hey! - Hi! - Hey.
Oh, my God.
You're so You're gorgeous! I made a gorgeous man.
Ah, and here's his gorgeous friend.
Hi.
Yeah, pleasure.
- Wow.
Hey.
- Bar's closed.
Ah, shit.
Well, I went by a cowboy bar.
Oh, no, Trevor won't go there 'cause they card.
Are you underage? - No.
- No? - You sure? - Yes.
- Let me see your ID.
- Fuck no.
Ugh, you are underage! Why wouldn't you just get a fake ID like everybody else? I'm not fucking underage.
- Give me your license.
- No.
- Come on.
- No.
Okay, if he doesn't want to show you, he doesn't have to show you, hon.
Forget it.
Come on.
- It's an old license.
- So? Pre-transition.
You're trans? I couldn't tell.
Oh, thanks.
They make you show proof of gender confirmation surgery, so let's all gawk at the freak show, yeah? Oh, hey, no.
Wait, wait.
(IAN) Wait! You want to see prom pictures too? That's too bad.
I was in the hospital with my wrist bandaged that night.
I forgot to bring my camera.
I didn't ask for prom pictures.
How about ballet pictures? I was just giving you shit, dick wad.
Oh, fuck you.
No, stop the name-calling, okay? It's getting crazy here.
Ian just gets a little wound up, just like his mom.
Why are you here? To see you.
No, why are you here now? - I - See, this is what she does.
She just parachutes into your life like, "Hi, I'm here now.
" As if nothing happened.
That's I'm I'm so sorry.
You know, I could've used a mom when I broke my collar bone at 12.
- (STAMMERS) - Or when I got my heart smashed for the first time.
She apologized.
Move on.
- I'm sorry.
- Move on? - No.
- Okay.
Ian, come on.
Dude, I'm sorry.
- Come on, babe.
- Ian, come on.
Ian, I just got here.
(LIP) Fucking Monica.
What the fuck? (FIONA) You saw her, I'm guessin'? Yeah, at the Alibi.
So she got Franny back? What? How? No fucking clue.
I was at Derek's house every mornin', but Monica waltzes in, takes all the credit.
I thought you were trying to let Debs do her own thing.
(FIONA) They took Franny.
She needed help.
When is the DCFS meeting? It's tomorrow.
I'm nervous about leavin' Etta alone.
She's gettin' worse.
I can't trust her with Frank, not with Monica in town.
What are you readin'? Some idiot gave Wendell's a bad review.
She loves the new dog run at the park, and she gave the CVS five stars.
I'm her only shitty review.
That sucks.
Hey, you, uh, you want another beer? (FIONA) Uh, yeah, please.
All right.
- (FIONA SIGHS) - Here you go.
Tell Carl about Monica? Huh? No.
No.
I don't want to bother him during hell week.
- You off booze again? - Yeah.
So you had a Coke at the Alibi too? Yeah.
I'm doing darks and towels if anyone has one.
Svetlana agreed to go to throuples counseling.
That's a thing? (KEV) Oh, I'm flippin' out.
I mean, what if I say stuff I don't want people to know? They can't force you to say anything embarrassing.
Yeah, but don't these dudes have, like, powers? Do you mean like Aquaman? No, man.
Not superpowers.
They, like, look at you in a certain way, and then, suddenly, you have a memory of your foster mother forcing you to clean the toilet with a toothbrush 'cause you wrote on the wall in black marker.
Holy shit.
(CHUCKLES) That's my memory.
It's already happening.
I need a beer.
So you're trying to stay together after all that? (KEV) I know you don't think we should, not that I do either, but I need somebody to say, "Hey, you blew it.
Throw in the towel.
" Or "Hey you're doing great.
Hang in there.
" 'Cause I can't tell either way.
Fuckin' Monica.
What'd she do to you? Fucked up my night with Trevor.
(FIONA) Fucking narcissistic asshole.
She was always nice to me.
Yeah, fuck her.
If she comes near me again, I'm just gonna pretend like she's not there.
Just like she's been to me my whole life.
(LIP) No, no.
Not a chance.
All right? She is gonna find a crack in your shell.
She is gonna slither in, and she's gonna start plucking at that one nerve no one else on the planet can reach.
You want to bet? Bet you 20 bucks you lose your shit.
Not gonna happen.
(LOUD BANGING) (MONICA) He's mine, bitch! (BANG) (ETTA) Is it the Japs? (MONICA GRUNTS) (FRANK) It's just a homeless woman.
Go back to sleep.
Come on out.
Let me kick your ass, slut! (MONICA) Frankie! Come out now! I need you, and you need me! Nothing can keep us apart! You know you can't keep this up! You know it! (BOTTLE SHATTERS) Frankie! I know you! I know you! You You're gonna talk to me eventually! Debbie.
What are you doing up? Come to bed.
I can't sleep.
I'm freakin' out about the DCFS meeting tomorrow.
You need rest.
I can't put her down.
Feels like she might disappear at any moment.
(SIGHS) Hey.
You got Franny back! Yeah.
My mom did it.
Really? Yeah, she's trying to change, I guess.
I told her she could stay with us for a few days, since you and Lucas are moving out, anyways.
I haven't put a deposit down on an apartment.
I mean, I found one place, but it's a wreck.
It's gonna need tons of work, and I just Okay, so, like, Monica takes up a lot of room.
Like, emotionally.
And I don't know how long she's gonna be here for.
So You said a few days.
Oh, and I packed some stuff for you.
In a box.
To help out.
(FUNKY ROCK MUSIC) (CELL PHONE RINGING) (CELL PHONE RINGING) What? (CLEARS THROAT) I left my heart in the chords When the wall came down It was after the fall Yes Hey, Debs.
Checking in to see what time the DCFS meeting is today.
So call me.
Bye.
Morning, Etta.
Made a profit yesterday.
32¢.
Big news.
Call the papers.
See? That shitty Yelp review didn't do jack.
What kind of person would bother writing a bad review of a Laundromat? Apparently, some dumb-ass narcissist who's got nothing to do with my life but needs to start shit 'cause it makes her feel important.
Hey, uh, where's Wendell? Dead.
Right.
Ow.
Fuck.
Fiona? Is Frank here? - (CLEARS THROAT) - Frank! Frank! (SIGHS) I don't blame you for hating me.
Kind of hate myself.
But I'm gonna make good.
So, Debbie showed me a photo of Carl in his military uniform.
So sharp.
And Liam at Hopkins Academy? And Debbie's a mom! Must've done something right.
And you did great things too, Fiona.
Taking care of all the kids.
You are amazing.
You did such a better job than I could've.
I'm proud of you.
Mm.
Can I have an Advil? My head is killin' me.
(RESTAURANT CHATTER) - Fuckin' Monica.
- What's up? - Nothin'.
- (MAX) You check Yelp yet? We all wrote great reviews to bury the bad one.
It's fine.
I'm over it.
- Yo.
- (FIONA) Hi.
It's your day off.
Yeah, no, I just came in for my check.
- Oh, let me grab it.
- Cool, thanks.
Black? Yeah.
Yeah, thanks.
Here.
Your mom's a piece of work.
You met her? She trashed my house and puked in my bed, so yeah.
For her, that's a good day.
This morning, I found her in my closet trying on shoes.
'Cause she lost hers.
Must've been rough as a kid.
Yeah.
(SIGHS) Put a deposit down on a studio today.
This dump on the corner of Garfield and Laflin.
Oh, yikes.
That old crack house? That's the place.
Real fixer-upper.
Suppose I should give your mom credit for the, uh, kick in the ass.
I bet she'd take it.
So, are you still pissed at me? Warming up a bit.
Whatever you do, don't go in the Laundromat.
What, she's over there? Yup.
Looking for Frank.
You unleash your wrath on any poor, unsuspecting victims yet? No.
Cool as a summer breeze.
Might as well kiss that 20 good-bye.
Day's still young.
I was up all night Googling "throuples.
" Very exciting.
So, what brings you here? So, um me and my two wives are having trouble seeing eye to eye.
Eyes to eyes.
We keep going around in the same circle.
Like the snake eating its own tail.
The ouroboros.
Yes.
I was saying it wrong.
Oh, that's such a badass word.
I want to get the tattoo of the snake on my hip.
- Right above the V-line.
- Kevin.
I am totally uncomfortable, V.
Try starting with your situation.
(SIGHS) Okay, so V is in love with both of us, but I'm not in love with Lana.
I mean, I like her a lot.
At least, I used to.
But then shit got all fucked up, and sometimes I feel like I I'm scared that that V might love Lana more than she loves me.
(MALLERY) V.
Are you hearing Kevin's fears? Yes.
- (MALLERY) Is he right? - Hell no.
(MALLERY) V, do you have any fears? Yes.
One.
Go on.
I'm afraid that Svetlana doesn't love either of us.
(MALLERY) Svetlana, is this true? (SCOFFS) (SPEAKING RUSSIAN) (MALLERY) English? Of course not.
I do not show love regular.
I show by doing.
I fix bar.
I watch kids.
I cook.
I give oral.
I protect from dangerous Russian.
Everything for these two.
(MALLERY) Kev and V, are you hearing Lana? (BOTH) Yes.
(MALLERY) What is she saying? She gives oral.
She smashed all the windows? It's not her fault.
She's bipolar.
She better pay for them.
You can sue for damages in civil court, but today we're here to talk about Franny.
You took the child without the mother's consent? She's a hot-ass mess.
(YOLANDA) That's not for you to decide whether she is or Hi, sorry I'm late.
I'm the grandmother.
I'm the grandmother.
(YOLANDA) Okay, settle down.
The father of the child withdrew from the child's life initially.
Is this correct? - (DEBBIE) Yes.
- She forced him to knock her up.
You can't force someone to do that.
She did.
She was desperate.
I was in love.
He left me pregnant.
Ever hear of condoms? Ever hear of "suck a dick"? (YOLANDA) Hey! Y'all got to cut this shit.
You two.
No more showing up at their house with a baseball bat.
You two.
No more baby-napping.
All of you.
This child is not the messiah.
Don't need to be fightin' over her like pit bulls.
Mama gets the baby.
- Yes! - (YOLANDA) On the condition she keeps herself and her home in check.
Everyone else can visit.
Any other shit go down, I'm calling the FBI.
- Thank you so much.
- Yes.
Oh, baby! Baby, baby! (SIGHS) Lip? (LIP GRUNTS) Hi.
I, uh You were right.
Uh, place is a dump.
How'd you know which one was mine? Your name and apartment number were on the mailbox, and the door was unlocked.
Security's tight.
How long you been here? Well, it's my day off.
Yeah, what else am I gonna do? We broke up.
That's a decision I had no part in.
Gave up the right to that decision when you punched my ex in the face.
We were having fun, right? We were we were good.
Don't do this.
Hey, come here.
Come here.
- I want it back.
- Fuck.
You do too.
What? - You been drinking? - No, hey.
Hey, you're strong.
Right? I mean, you got your shit together.
You're good for me.
What? Good for you? Yeah.
Okay, great.
What am I, support staff? No, that's that's not what I'm saying.
Okay, you've had Fiona putting out fires for years, so, what, you need a replacement because she's too busy? What fuckin' fires? College.
Internships.
Whatever.
Where's the guy that was gonna make six figures and take over the world? I'm sorry, so so this is about money? This is about you growing up and owning your shit.
I am not a function on your personal journey toward enlightenment.
I'm a human fucking being with issues, and I don't need another one.
Get out.
Please.
And get help.
(GRUNTS) (SPEAKING RUSSIAN) I feel like a tractor ran over my face.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) What's that? "It is impossible to pull fish from a pond.
" That was stupendous! Oh, I'm ten pounds lighter.
And my insides are all tingly! And I am super touched that you both went through that with me.
Does that mean you're gonna move back in? I'm still hurt and a little annoyed, but I think I can handle.
Aw, let's celebrate, yeah? You pour drinks, I check on babies.
Hell yeah.
"Euro-bore-uses" all around.
- Still wrong.
- Don't care.
Happy Kev time.
Where's Jarmel? Who? Our regular guy.
Are you with Allied? Tri-State.
You changed distributors.
Says who? Says the owner.
Last week.
You changed distributors? Nope.
I like the other dude.
Gives me samples.
There's been some sort of mistake.
We didn't change distributors, and we didn't order snake tequila.
You sure did.
Four cases.
Just sign for it.
We'll call Allied tomorrow to clear it up.
- Here, gimme.
- Owner has to sign for it, bro.
I am the owner.
Bro.
Paperwork says Svetlana Fisher owns the joint.
Old vendor changed labels on bottle.
Charged more for cheap liquor.
So I changed vendor.
You have sheet? You can't just change the vendors and change the orders without telling us.
I make decisions in bar now.
It's easier this way.
Do you have a pen? Lana.
What's going on? I am new owner of Alibi.
Huh? To being a family again.
Ypa! (RUSSIAN POP MUSIC) Hi.
Hi.
Hi, baby.
Hi, pretty lady.
How are you? Where's Monica? Not sure.
How'd the DCFS meetin' go? They told me I could keep her.
Great.
Congrats.
Thanks.
You're pissed.
Nope.
Why would I be pissed? 'Cause I didn't tell you when the meeting was gonna be.
I would've, but Monica wanted to come.
That's all right.
I was busy anyway.
Okay.
So they said I needed to get a job, so I wanted to ask if it would be okay if I worked here.
You, uh, can't take orders from me, remember? I can.
I will.
I don't want to fight every time I ask for something.
I won't fight.
I promise.
I need somebody to run my fluff-and-fold service.
Can I bring Franny to work with me? Okay.
Oh.
Thank you so much, Fiona.
I can't wait to tell Monica.
Wow.
You really fell for it this time, didn't you? What do you mean? She got back Franny.
And that makes up for a lifetime of bullshit? No.
But Hurricane Monica blows into town.
Saves the day.
Let's give her a fuckin' medal.
- (DOOR BANGS OPEN) - (DIDI) Fiona? What? That chick who gave you the bad Yelp review? Table nine.
(ROCK MUSIC) (CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me.
- Are you Jesse? - Why? Did you write a Yelp review of Wendell's across the street? Yeah.
Oh, cool.
Cool, wow, that must've taken a lot of time to write.
Put a lot of thought into that, huh? That line about the The clueless South Side chick? That was hilarious.
Who are you? The clueless South Side chick.
Hi.
Oh.
Um it was it was just honest feedback.
Does that mean that I have permission to give it back? 'Cause that shirt's hideous.
You know what? Let me review Jesse for you, sir.
Jesse is a is a condescending, entitled, privileged piece of hipster trash who thinks that she's making the world a better place with her shitty opinions.
But, really, she's too much of a coward to bring her issues to the owner directly, so she's got to tell the fucking Internet.
I took out a mortgage on my fuckin' house, and you just dumped on it like it was nothin'.
I'm sorry.
You're sorry? Oh.
Yeah.
That feels pretty bad, doesn't it? Huh? (CUTE BOY) It's okay, baby.
Yeah, maybe you should stop being such an asshole, huh? Go cry to your daddy about your trust fund, you little bitch! (BUSH RUSTLING) Frank! Frank! Uh, just checking on my granddaughter.
- I heard we got her back.
- Oh, bullshit! - You still care about me.
- What? - Yes.
- No.
Fuck you.
- Admit it! - No, I do not.
- No, you don't - Admit it! - Just - Frank! Why did you come back? Haven't you ruined my life enough already? (SIGHS) (MONICA) Come on.
Frank, come on.
I got something to show you.
(GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY) (MONICA WHINES INDISTINCTLY) CT scan.
MRI.
Cerebral angiogram.
And this is the little grenade in my brain that's about to blow up.
I am dying, Frank.
They said that I probably got it from an infected needle or something.
(POIGNANT MUSIC) Oh, no.
No, it's okay, Frankie.
Oh, Frankie, no, no, no.
No, it's okay.
I have a plan.
I have a plan.
I need your help.
It's okay.
Frankie, I missed you.
Oh.
Thanks.
So, you, uh Hang out with Monica after I left? Not long.
Couple of drinks.
Did you have fun? Not quite the word I'd use.
What'd you talk about? You.
She misses you.
You can't take her side with that kind of stuff.
And I would be fine to never hang out with her again.
She's nuts.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY) Humans, man.
It's a fuckin' mess.
Mm.
- Not for the weak.
- Mm-mm.
- Not for pussies.
- Mm.
(LAUGHS) Mm.
Mm.
Yeah.
Holy shit.
- Look at your hair.
- Yeah.
I grew up in Jersey, so that's a whole can of Aqua Net.
No.
Is that tan real? - (LAUGHING) - It's bronzing lotion.
Hey, fuck you.
(LAUGHS) I don't want to talk about it.
- Fuck.
- Whoa! The fuck is that? (DOOR CLOSES) - Does Ian Gallagher live here? - Why? Detective Raymond.
Just need a minute of his time.
Hey, Ian! Can you come out here? Ian Gallagher? Yeah? According to corrections records, you visited Mikhailo Aleksandr Milkovich in prison on multiple occasions.
Mickey? (POLICE DETECTIVE) Has he contacted you? No.
He escaped last night.
Look, find a fuckin' five-year-old to help you program your DVR or something.
You guys can come back and visit anytime.
And if DCFS calls, I could really use your support.
Where's Franny? We're gonna keep her awhile, Debbie.
What? What do you what? You may be able to trick DCFS, but you can't trick us.
Hey! Give me back my baby! Your appeal hearing.
Thought you might come around.
You could have a bright future, but we stand by your expulsion.
Don't don't keep me from my son.
Hey.
I told you, go away, asshole! Jesus Christ, Lip! Stop! - Lip, please! - Hey! I'm sorry.
I already have one other control addict in my life.
I don't need two.
(KEV) You steal my van, which I love, and and you sell it, and you spend my money on all of this? - Where are the kids? - They're upstairs with my aunt.
You don't even know if she's related to that lady.
Go get 'em.
- Kevin - I mean it! (FIONA) This seemed easy.
Now I feel like a fuckin' idiot.
Free drinks for a full week if you come help me out right now for a few hours.
(FIONA) You can stay on the floor in the back if you leave Etta out of it.
(FRANK) Deal.
(FUNKY ROCK MUSIC) (SPEAKING RUSSIAN) Stop! I have to ask you something! Why was the broom late for the meeting? It overswept.
(LAUGHS) Stay out! Oh, you commie cunt.
Frank! It's me, baby.
Great.
I fucked up.
I know I fucked up.
I fucked up bad, but I-I'm gonna make it up to you and the kids.
Frankie.
I need your help.
You could at least turn around and look at me.
Frank? Go fuck yourself.
(LOCK CLICKS) Shit.
(ROCK MUSIC) Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? (LOCK CLICKS) Fiona.
Monica.
Hi.
How are you? Fine.
How are the rest of the kids? Good.
Can I see 'em? Everybody's sleepin'.
Could you and I talk for a minute? Nope.
(SIGHS) Debbie? Brought you some hot cocoa.
This is breast milk.
Do you want me to walk it up? You gonna go back to Neil's today? He came by Patsy's last night.
He feels awful about all this.
Monica's back.
(KNOCKING) Got your breast milk! You know, I'm gettin' real tired of comin' around here every morning.
This is bullshit.
Just give us the baby back already.
The DCFS has all the info they need to place Franny with us.
If Debbie keeps sleeping on the lawn, I'm gonna call the cops.
We should be the ones callin' the cops.
Kidnapping is worse than trespassing.
Just hand us the baby, and we'll all go back to our lives.
We'll see you tomorrow at the DCFS meeting.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) (IAN) Anyone important? Someone named "Answer at Your Own Risk.
" (IAN) Oh.
Shit.
It's my mom.
Didn't even know you had a mom.
Haven't talked to her in months.
What's she like? Uh, unmedicated.
Bipolar.
Drug addict.
Mm.
My kind of gal.
(PHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING) Kidding.
(VIBRATING CONTINUES) Are you gonna text her? Um Later.
You can't just dive into Monica.
You got to dip your toe in slowly.
Mm.
Should we, um, invite her to the Backend tonight? - Could be a hoot.
- Yeah, for you, maybe.
I am charming.
Parents love me.
I don't know.
Um Monica's brand of crazy can be kind of terrifying sometimes.
Mm.
I don't scare easy.
I'm gonna shower.
Think about it.
(ETTA) Great TV.
Who bought it? You did, with your credit card, and then I called and returned it and canceled the order.
Then you bought it again, so we kept it.
You also bought those new washers.
I got 'em hooked up last night.
Well, how about that? Yeah, I told Wendell we should've years ago.
Hey.
You clockin' in? Yeah, just wanted to check out the new digs.
Where'd all the cats go? Uh, upstairs.
We're gonna soft-open today.
There's a coffee station.
Free pie.
Oh, and I'm starting a fluff-and-fold service.
The dry cleaner over on 83rd and Racine, he got bought by the Shake Shack, and the guy said that I can just have his laundry scale.
And those things are, like, 500 bucks.
Sweet.
Ooh, can I be your first Yelp review? Sure, as long as it's a rave.
Hey, love of my life.
I got your prescriptions, some heat cream and a bran muffin.
Oh.
You are so good to me, Wendell.
I'm the luckiest girl on the planet.
Well, it's the least I could do after that wild flight of passion you commandeered last night.
Oh, my.
Was I any good? You were a tiger.
Aw, thanks! (GIGGLES) Oh, poopsie, would you rub my knees? They hurt somethin' awful.
Absolutely, my love.
I got to admit.
It's the happiest I've seen her in a while.
She's got you washing her sheets, managing her doctors visits, buying her food.
Well, it's a cheap price to pay for a warm bed, a kind heart, and cable TV.
Monica's back.
Yes, she is.
- You saw her? - Who's Monica? Ancient history, my love.
How's this feeling? Like heaven.
(CHUCKLES) The homeless shelter's down the street, lady.
Get up! (GROANS) What? - Oh, my God.
- Holy shit.
Monica? Deb.
Oh, my God.
You're a woman.
What are you doing here? Well, I'm I'm back.
I'm looking for Frank.
He isn't here.
No, I know.
I saw him.
He wouldn't talk to me.
I was hoping that you kids could help me out.
You should go.
Okay.
Maybe a cup of coffee before I go? I mean, it's kind of cold out here.
Look, Monica, my baby got stolen, and I have to go get her back.
You have a baby? Yes.
Oh, my God! I'm a grandma! Oh! - Later.
- See you, man.
Catch you later, man.
(CLOCK PUNCHES) (HUMMING) Hey.
Hey, how's Lucas? (CLOCK PUNCHES) I'm sorry.
Again.
Did you call the police? Yeah, like, 80 times.
They're useless.
DCFS too.
They don't even seem to care that Franny got kidnapped.
(MONICA) What? Wow.
Monica? - Hey, Kev.
- Hey.
What brings you back? Uh, it was time.
So, you staying here? Oh, sleeping on the couch until I get over my two wives betraying me.
What? (KEV) Long story.
No luck this morning, Debs? No.
I miss her so much.
A part of my body's been chopped off.
That is exactly the way I felt the first time they took Fiona from me.
I screamed my throat raw.
Tore my hair out.
And I was on acid, but awful.
I didn't neglect my baby because I was on drugs.
I'm a good mom.
I would never do half the shit that you did to us.
What are you even doing here? Well (GASPS) Liam! Look at you! Who are you? I'm Monica.
I'm Mama.
Oh.
He's huge.
Oh, my God.
And so We are getting your baby back.
(ROCK MUSIC) Whoa, you sure you want to do that? Nobody takes my fucking granddaughter.
All right, stand back, honey, 'cause it's gonna get rude.
Attention, residents! According to the bylaws of Public Act 94-704 The child is only granted custody to the grandparents only when the child's mother is deemed unfit by the court, which has not happened yet! - Nor has the baby been - (SPEAKING SPANISH) In any physical danger.
Nor has the child's home been deemed hazardous by a social worker! So you have no legal right to keep Franny from her mom! So give us the fucking baby! I'm calling the cops! What the hell is going on? - Give us the fuck - Franny! I'm getting my motherfucking granddaughter back.
Get back, bitch! Before I knock those cheap extensions right off your head! - (FRANNY CRYING) - Go! Go! Go! Go! You're gonna fuckin' burn! (FRANK) She's a hot piece of ass, your mother.
Don't get me wrong.
But within that fine mortal husk lies a rotting pile of filth, and I don't want her soiling you, so, from now on, you fight.
Fight Mama? Yes, my son.
Fight her with every muscle in your wee body, or she will drag you into her pit of despair and murder your soul.
So Remember, whenever you see the blonde woman with the green boots and the blue parka, you yell, "Stranger, danger," and kick her until an adult shows up.
Okay.
All right, go make the rich kids feel bad.
Later.
(DISTANT SIREN WAILS) (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) Here's your fair-trade coffee.
- Great, thank you.
- (CHUCKLES) Hey, you want me to write me a good Yelp review? Hell yeah.
Okay.
Hi, everybody! I'm Fiona.
I'm the owner at Wendell's.
I just wanted to let you know that today, when you buy a cup of our organic roast, you're gonna get a free piece of homemade pie.
So, tell your friends.
Enjoy.
I'll mention the pie in my review.
Perfect.
Hello, love.
I brought lunch.
Uh, vegetarian chili, Spanish sardines, and the hell? Pickled baloney? I'm not eating that shit.
Why don't we ever go out anymore? You're right.
We don't.
Let's go scare us up a real meal.
Whoopee! (CHUCKLES) You got any cash? Well, I took out some walking-around money from the bank yesterday.
Let me just put on my face.
Okay.
Whoa.
Holy moly.
What? If someone gave this place a bad review, would you want to know about it? We've been open, like, four hours.
- How bad? - Bad.
Yeah, read it to me.
Quietly.
"I was unfortunate enough to attend the soft open of my local Laundromat early this morning.
Used to be a cool, shabby joint run by a mean old cat lady, but the current owner is apparently some clueless Southside chick.
If I could give this place negative stars, I would.
" And then, in all caps: "DO NOT SPEND MONEY HERE!!!!" Four exclamation points.
Four? Amazing.
Who is this person? Jesse.
Cute picture.
Let me see.
(SCOFFS) She looks about 15.
Yelping since July 2009.
- Oh.
- (LAUGHS) (SIERRA) She must live around here.
All her recent reviews are of the nearby places.
Frank, are you gonna let her go out like that? You're kidding.
She's a knockout.
If anyone asks, I am on a date with my radiant and captivating wife.
(ETTA GIGGLES) (CELL PHONE RINGING) (KNOCKING) Yeah, come in.
- Did I wake you? - (LIP) No.
No, I can't sleep.
- Working nights sucks.
- Oh, I feel you.
Yeah, I'm about to hose off.
You mind if I borrow your razor? - I left mine at home.
- Sure, yeah.
And a clean pair of socks, some deodorant, and some tweezers.
So, Monica's back, huh? Yeah, when you think you're gettin' out of here? (KEV) I don't know, man.
I-I didn't plan on staying this long.
I want V back, but I don't trust Lana, and V wants me back, but not without Lana, and who knows what Lana wants? We're like the "hour-obe-ras.
" Like the what? Snake eating its own tail.
- I saw a label in the Alibi.
- Sure that's how you say that? Well, whatever.
We're stuck.
And I don't even know who to ask for for advice.
It's like the only time you see this kind of thing is on Maury Povich.
Should we do that? - Do what, Maury Povich? - Yeah, he's got experts.
Yeah, V wouldn't allow it.
Plane tickets aren't cheap.
Who's local? That bald, chubby, Richard-Pryor-lookin' dude.
Steve Harvey? I'll call him.
Nothing to lose.
(FRANK) I could've predicted she'd bail on us.
Chaos junkie.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, my good man.
But can you blame me? That's what I fell for.
She was electric.
The first night I met her, she threatened to put a cigarette out on my arm.
I dared her to do it.
And look.
After I stopped screaming from the pain, we fucked like rabbits.
And from that night on, I knew I would give up everything for that woman.
Oh, my God, we had fun.
Listen to me.
I sound like I'm still stuck on her.
She burrows under my skin like a fucking tick.
Evil.
Oh, my God, and the years I wasted, broken up over her.
I don't know you.
Sure, you do.
It's it's me, Wendell, your poopsie.
Wendell's dead.
(BABIES TALKING INDISTINCTLY) - Hey.
- Hi.
Is Lana here? She just left for the Alibi.
(SIGHS) Hey, little Gemma.
Hey, little Amy.
Hey, boy from the mother I'm still pissed at.
Gemma tenderized Amy's skull with an Etch A Sketch before lunch.
I think they miss their daddy.
Their daddy misses them too.
Daddy also misses holding their mommy at night.
One of their mommies.
The other mommy, he's still confused about.
- When will he figure it out? - He doesn't know.
He thinks they should get help with it.
What kind of help? So, I called Steve Harvey.
Not the guy.
The show.
To see if they'd take us.
Take us where? On the air? Yeah, kind of.
He said they're focused on weddings, divorces, celebrities, obese women over 40, and may do alternative families next year, and I was like, "I can't wait that long.
I got no clean drawers, and my junk hasn't been lady-touched in a week.
" - So they gave me phone numbers.
- For what? Marriage counselors.
I don't know what else to do, V.
We can't keep going around in circles like the "hour-obe-ras.
" - The what? - The "hour-obe-ras.
" That that new tequila we got at the Alibi.
It had a snake eating its own tail.
We can't be the only throuple on Earth that's gone through this, right? Marriage therapists have seen this stuff all the time.
They'll know what to do.
(SIGHS) Oh, look at her.
Those cheeks! She must've missed you so much.
Daughters always miss their mommies.
Do you miss me? You disappeared.
Again.
Well, I'm here now, and I'm staying put.
(LOUD CLANGING) All minors out of the bar, or else I pour gas on you and light matches.
She can't go out.
The cops are prowling around, looking for a red-headed teenager and a loony blonde with a bat.
I'm not going home.
I'm going to Neil's.
He misses us.
Good call.
I'm gonna hang here in case Frank shows up.
Where you gonna sleep? I'll find someplace.
You can crash with us tonight.
- Really? - Yeah.
Aw, Deb.
You're a doll.
Thanks.
Can you take my duffel too? Sure.
Here's our address.
Our key's under the mat.
We're unit one.
Thank you so And thank you for making me a grandmother.
I haven't been this happy since the summer you were born.
Winter.
My birthday's in December.
See you later.
I'm a motherfucking grandma! - Whoo! - (MONICA) Thank you.
I got to freshen up for Frank.
Show him I still got it.
Got what? Crabs or herpes? - So, I talked to Kev.
- And? He thinks we should go see a throuples counselor.
I said I'd talk to you about it.
Hey, yo, V, can I get whatever's cheap and ugly? Maybe we can go once? If we hate it, we don't have to go again.
- Okay.
- Really? We go to throuple counsel.
We go and sit in front of old man with shit breath.
Talk about fucking.
He takes notes.
He goes home and spanks his monkey.
If you both want this, I do it for you.
His drink's on me! No, no, I got my own drink.
- Monica? - Hey, V.
Last ball, I got side-titty.
Boom! Who is this spastic woman? Frank's wife.
The kids' mother.
Kids have a mother? (VERONICA) Barely.
You gonna tell us where you've been, Monica? Iowa.
Some Shitsville roadhouse off the 80.
Bunch of truckers.
More guns than teeth in that place.
Once, I saw a guy skin a buck in the parking lot with a rock and a rope.
Wow, civility is alive and well.
So, what brings you back to town? Frank and the kids.
I'm gonna make good.
You hear that, Lip? I got a plan.
I'm gonna set you and the kids up for life.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES) (SIGHS) I trust you licked your wounds by now.
What do you want? (YOUENS) I scored you an interview.
Hedge fund.
Just went public.
- Internship? - (YOUENS) Yes.
- No.
No, thanks.
- (YOUENS) But this one pays.
I need you to go in tomorrow morning.
Early.
Real early.
We're on Wall Street time.
Come on.
I feel rotten I put you through that board of appeal bullshit.
Ease my conscience and make a buck.
Two birds, one stone.
I don't know.
You still washing diner dishes? (LIP) Text me the details, okay? Good.
Don't blow it.
Yep.
Etta? What are you doin'? Bus is late.
This isn't a bus stop.
That explains it.
Have you seen Wendell? (FRANK) There you are! I got your leftovers, your purse, your coat.
You just ditched Etta? What, Monica showed up? I didn't ditch anyone.
She left of her own free will.
And fuck Monica.
My heart is a dead, black hunk of coal as far as she's concerned.
Come on, poopsie.
Laundromat is just around the corner.
Let's get you in a hot bath.
(BAR MUSIC PLAYING) (GROANS) For fuck's sake.
Where the hell is Frank? Probably with that batty old broad from the Laundromat.
Frank's living with a woman? Shit.
V, another tequila.
How long you plan on sticking around this time? Forever.
Hey, babe? Yo, when's our liquor vendor supposed to come? - Tomorrow.
- Good.
He botched up our booze order.
Damn snake tequila.
(MONICA) So I got Debbie's baby back for her.
Let me do something for you.
What do you need? Money? Something for college? I'm not in college anymore.
Why not? (VERONICA) Got drunk.
Smashed a car up with a crowbar.
They kick you out for that? Kids get drunk and smash shit up all the time.
It's what college is for.
Those jerks.
Well, in ten years, when you cure cancer, they're gonna come at you with an honorary Hey, Monica, fuck off, huh? (CELL PHONE CHIMES) And I don't know where she's at with her meds, so if it turns into a total shit show I'll still want to bang you.
Probably more.
What? They can't close down the entire place for one party.
Ah, fuck.
Uh We can hit that cowboy car that we passed down the street.
- Oh, no, they card.
- You're over 21.
It's all slimy queens jacking off into urinals anyway.
Then don't use the bathroom, all right? Hey.
I'm paying.
One drink, then we'll, I don't know, go grab food somewhere else.
I'm not going to a place where they fucking card at the door, okay? (MONICA) Hey! - Hi! - Hey.
Oh, my God.
You're so You're gorgeous! I made a gorgeous man.
Ah, and here's his gorgeous friend.
Hi.
Yeah, pleasure.
- Wow.
Hey.
- Bar's closed.
Ah, shit.
Well, I went by a cowboy bar.
Oh, no, Trevor won't go there 'cause they card.
Are you underage? - No.
- No? - You sure? - Yes.
- Let me see your ID.
- Fuck no.
Ugh, you are underage! Why wouldn't you just get a fake ID like everybody else? I'm not fucking underage.
- Give me your license.
- No.
- Come on.
- No.
Okay, if he doesn't want to show you, he doesn't have to show you, hon.
Forget it.
Come on.
- It's an old license.
- So? Pre-transition.
You're trans? I couldn't tell.
Oh, thanks.
They make you show proof of gender confirmation surgery, so let's all gawk at the freak show, yeah? Oh, hey, no.
Wait, wait.
(IAN) Wait! You want to see prom pictures too? That's too bad.
I was in the hospital with my wrist bandaged that night.
I forgot to bring my camera.
I didn't ask for prom pictures.
How about ballet pictures? I was just giving you shit, dick wad.
Oh, fuck you.
No, stop the name-calling, okay? It's getting crazy here.
Ian just gets a little wound up, just like his mom.
Why are you here? To see you.
No, why are you here now? - I - See, this is what she does.
She just parachutes into your life like, "Hi, I'm here now.
" As if nothing happened.
That's I'm I'm so sorry.
You know, I could've used a mom when I broke my collar bone at 12.
- (STAMMERS) - Or when I got my heart smashed for the first time.
She apologized.
Move on.
- I'm sorry.
- Move on? - No.
- Okay.
Ian, come on.
Dude, I'm sorry.
- Come on, babe.
- Ian, come on.
Ian, I just got here.
(LIP) Fucking Monica.
What the fuck? (FIONA) You saw her, I'm guessin'? Yeah, at the Alibi.
So she got Franny back? What? How? No fucking clue.
I was at Derek's house every mornin', but Monica waltzes in, takes all the credit.
I thought you were trying to let Debs do her own thing.
(FIONA) They took Franny.
She needed help.
When is the DCFS meeting? It's tomorrow.
I'm nervous about leavin' Etta alone.
She's gettin' worse.
I can't trust her with Frank, not with Monica in town.
What are you readin'? Some idiot gave Wendell's a bad review.
She loves the new dog run at the park, and she gave the CVS five stars.
I'm her only shitty review.
That sucks.
Hey, you, uh, you want another beer? (FIONA) Uh, yeah, please.
All right.
- (FIONA SIGHS) - Here you go.
Tell Carl about Monica? Huh? No.
No.
I don't want to bother him during hell week.
- You off booze again? - Yeah.
So you had a Coke at the Alibi too? Yeah.
I'm doing darks and towels if anyone has one.
Svetlana agreed to go to throuples counseling.
That's a thing? (KEV) Oh, I'm flippin' out.
I mean, what if I say stuff I don't want people to know? They can't force you to say anything embarrassing.
Yeah, but don't these dudes have, like, powers? Do you mean like Aquaman? No, man.
Not superpowers.
They, like, look at you in a certain way, and then, suddenly, you have a memory of your foster mother forcing you to clean the toilet with a toothbrush 'cause you wrote on the wall in black marker.
Holy shit.
(CHUCKLES) That's my memory.
It's already happening.
I need a beer.
So you're trying to stay together after all that? (KEV) I know you don't think we should, not that I do either, but I need somebody to say, "Hey, you blew it.
Throw in the towel.
" Or "Hey you're doing great.
Hang in there.
" 'Cause I can't tell either way.
Fuckin' Monica.
What'd she do to you? Fucked up my night with Trevor.
(FIONA) Fucking narcissistic asshole.
She was always nice to me.
Yeah, fuck her.
If she comes near me again, I'm just gonna pretend like she's not there.
Just like she's been to me my whole life.
(LIP) No, no.
Not a chance.
All right? She is gonna find a crack in your shell.
She is gonna slither in, and she's gonna start plucking at that one nerve no one else on the planet can reach.
You want to bet? Bet you 20 bucks you lose your shit.
Not gonna happen.
(LOUD BANGING) (MONICA) He's mine, bitch! (BANG) (ETTA) Is it the Japs? (MONICA GRUNTS) (FRANK) It's just a homeless woman.
Go back to sleep.
Come on out.
Let me kick your ass, slut! (MONICA) Frankie! Come out now! I need you, and you need me! Nothing can keep us apart! You know you can't keep this up! You know it! (BOTTLE SHATTERS) Frankie! I know you! I know you! You You're gonna talk to me eventually! Debbie.
What are you doing up? Come to bed.
I can't sleep.
I'm freakin' out about the DCFS meeting tomorrow.
You need rest.
I can't put her down.
Feels like she might disappear at any moment.
(SIGHS) Hey.
You got Franny back! Yeah.
My mom did it.
Really? Yeah, she's trying to change, I guess.
I told her she could stay with us for a few days, since you and Lucas are moving out, anyways.
I haven't put a deposit down on an apartment.
I mean, I found one place, but it's a wreck.
It's gonna need tons of work, and I just Okay, so, like, Monica takes up a lot of room.
Like, emotionally.
And I don't know how long she's gonna be here for.
So You said a few days.
Oh, and I packed some stuff for you.
In a box.
To help out.
(FUNKY ROCK MUSIC) (CELL PHONE RINGING) (CELL PHONE RINGING) What? (CLEARS THROAT) I left my heart in the chords When the wall came down It was after the fall Yes Hey, Debs.
Checking in to see what time the DCFS meeting is today.
So call me.
Bye.
Morning, Etta.
Made a profit yesterday.
32¢.
Big news.
Call the papers.
See? That shitty Yelp review didn't do jack.
What kind of person would bother writing a bad review of a Laundromat? Apparently, some dumb-ass narcissist who's got nothing to do with my life but needs to start shit 'cause it makes her feel important.
Hey, uh, where's Wendell? Dead.
Right.
Ow.
Fuck.
Fiona? Is Frank here? - (CLEARS THROAT) - Frank! Frank! (SIGHS) I don't blame you for hating me.
Kind of hate myself.
But I'm gonna make good.
So, Debbie showed me a photo of Carl in his military uniform.
So sharp.
And Liam at Hopkins Academy? And Debbie's a mom! Must've done something right.
And you did great things too, Fiona.
Taking care of all the kids.
You are amazing.
You did such a better job than I could've.
I'm proud of you.
Mm.
Can I have an Advil? My head is killin' me.
(RESTAURANT CHATTER) - Fuckin' Monica.
- What's up? - Nothin'.
- (MAX) You check Yelp yet? We all wrote great reviews to bury the bad one.
It's fine.
I'm over it.
- Yo.
- (FIONA) Hi.
It's your day off.
Yeah, no, I just came in for my check.
- Oh, let me grab it.
- Cool, thanks.
Black? Yeah.
Yeah, thanks.
Here.
Your mom's a piece of work.
You met her? She trashed my house and puked in my bed, so yeah.
For her, that's a good day.
This morning, I found her in my closet trying on shoes.
'Cause she lost hers.
Must've been rough as a kid.
Yeah.
(SIGHS) Put a deposit down on a studio today.
This dump on the corner of Garfield and Laflin.
Oh, yikes.
That old crack house? That's the place.
Real fixer-upper.
Suppose I should give your mom credit for the, uh, kick in the ass.
I bet she'd take it.
So, are you still pissed at me? Warming up a bit.
Whatever you do, don't go in the Laundromat.
What, she's over there? Yup.
Looking for Frank.
You unleash your wrath on any poor, unsuspecting victims yet? No.
Cool as a summer breeze.
Might as well kiss that 20 good-bye.
Day's still young.
I was up all night Googling "throuples.
" Very exciting.
So, what brings you here? So, um me and my two wives are having trouble seeing eye to eye.
Eyes to eyes.
We keep going around in the same circle.
Like the snake eating its own tail.
The ouroboros.
Yes.
I was saying it wrong.
Oh, that's such a badass word.
I want to get the tattoo of the snake on my hip.
- Right above the V-line.
- Kevin.
I am totally uncomfortable, V.
Try starting with your situation.
(SIGHS) Okay, so V is in love with both of us, but I'm not in love with Lana.
I mean, I like her a lot.
At least, I used to.
But then shit got all fucked up, and sometimes I feel like I I'm scared that that V might love Lana more than she loves me.
(MALLERY) V.
Are you hearing Kevin's fears? Yes.
- (MALLERY) Is he right? - Hell no.
(MALLERY) V, do you have any fears? Yes.
One.
Go on.
I'm afraid that Svetlana doesn't love either of us.
(MALLERY) Svetlana, is this true? (SCOFFS) (SPEAKING RUSSIAN) (MALLERY) English? Of course not.
I do not show love regular.
I show by doing.
I fix bar.
I watch kids.
I cook.
I give oral.
I protect from dangerous Russian.
Everything for these two.
(MALLERY) Kev and V, are you hearing Lana? (BOTH) Yes.
(MALLERY) What is she saying? She gives oral.
She smashed all the windows? It's not her fault.
She's bipolar.
She better pay for them.
You can sue for damages in civil court, but today we're here to talk about Franny.
You took the child without the mother's consent? She's a hot-ass mess.
(YOLANDA) That's not for you to decide whether she is or Hi, sorry I'm late.
I'm the grandmother.
I'm the grandmother.
(YOLANDA) Okay, settle down.
The father of the child withdrew from the child's life initially.
Is this correct? - (DEBBIE) Yes.
- She forced him to knock her up.
You can't force someone to do that.
She did.
She was desperate.
I was in love.
He left me pregnant.
Ever hear of condoms? Ever hear of "suck a dick"? (YOLANDA) Hey! Y'all got to cut this shit.
You two.
No more showing up at their house with a baseball bat.
You two.
No more baby-napping.
All of you.
This child is not the messiah.
Don't need to be fightin' over her like pit bulls.
Mama gets the baby.
- Yes! - (YOLANDA) On the condition she keeps herself and her home in check.
Everyone else can visit.
Any other shit go down, I'm calling the FBI.
- Thank you so much.
- Yes.
Oh, baby! Baby, baby! (SIGHS) Lip? (LIP GRUNTS) Hi.
I, uh You were right.
Uh, place is a dump.
How'd you know which one was mine? Your name and apartment number were on the mailbox, and the door was unlocked.
Security's tight.
How long you been here? Well, it's my day off.
Yeah, what else am I gonna do? We broke up.
That's a decision I had no part in.
Gave up the right to that decision when you punched my ex in the face.
We were having fun, right? We were we were good.
Don't do this.
Hey, come here.
Come here.
- I want it back.
- Fuck.
You do too.
What? - You been drinking? - No, hey.
Hey, you're strong.
Right? I mean, you got your shit together.
You're good for me.
What? Good for you? Yeah.
Okay, great.
What am I, support staff? No, that's that's not what I'm saying.
Okay, you've had Fiona putting out fires for years, so, what, you need a replacement because she's too busy? What fuckin' fires? College.
Internships.
Whatever.
Where's the guy that was gonna make six figures and take over the world? I'm sorry, so so this is about money? This is about you growing up and owning your shit.
I am not a function on your personal journey toward enlightenment.
I'm a human fucking being with issues, and I don't need another one.
Get out.
Please.
And get help.
(GRUNTS) (SPEAKING RUSSIAN) I feel like a tractor ran over my face.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) What's that? "It is impossible to pull fish from a pond.
" That was stupendous! Oh, I'm ten pounds lighter.
And my insides are all tingly! And I am super touched that you both went through that with me.
Does that mean you're gonna move back in? I'm still hurt and a little annoyed, but I think I can handle.
Aw, let's celebrate, yeah? You pour drinks, I check on babies.
Hell yeah.
"Euro-bore-uses" all around.
- Still wrong.
- Don't care.
Happy Kev time.
Where's Jarmel? Who? Our regular guy.
Are you with Allied? Tri-State.
You changed distributors.
Says who? Says the owner.
Last week.
You changed distributors? Nope.
I like the other dude.
Gives me samples.
There's been some sort of mistake.
We didn't change distributors, and we didn't order snake tequila.
You sure did.
Four cases.
Just sign for it.
We'll call Allied tomorrow to clear it up.
- Here, gimme.
- Owner has to sign for it, bro.
I am the owner.
Bro.
Paperwork says Svetlana Fisher owns the joint.
Old vendor changed labels on bottle.
Charged more for cheap liquor.
So I changed vendor.
You have sheet? You can't just change the vendors and change the orders without telling us.
I make decisions in bar now.
It's easier this way.
Do you have a pen? Lana.
What's going on? I am new owner of Alibi.
Huh? To being a family again.
Ypa! (RUSSIAN POP MUSIC) Hi.
Hi.
Hi, baby.
Hi, pretty lady.
How are you? Where's Monica? Not sure.
How'd the DCFS meetin' go? They told me I could keep her.
Great.
Congrats.
Thanks.
You're pissed.
Nope.
Why would I be pissed? 'Cause I didn't tell you when the meeting was gonna be.
I would've, but Monica wanted to come.
That's all right.
I was busy anyway.
Okay.
So they said I needed to get a job, so I wanted to ask if it would be okay if I worked here.
You, uh, can't take orders from me, remember? I can.
I will.
I don't want to fight every time I ask for something.
I won't fight.
I promise.
I need somebody to run my fluff-and-fold service.
Can I bring Franny to work with me? Okay.
Oh.
Thank you so much, Fiona.
I can't wait to tell Monica.
Wow.
You really fell for it this time, didn't you? What do you mean? She got back Franny.
And that makes up for a lifetime of bullshit? No.
But Hurricane Monica blows into town.
Saves the day.
Let's give her a fuckin' medal.
- (DOOR BANGS OPEN) - (DIDI) Fiona? What? That chick who gave you the bad Yelp review? Table nine.
(ROCK MUSIC) (CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me.
- Are you Jesse? - Why? Did you write a Yelp review of Wendell's across the street? Yeah.
Oh, cool.
Cool, wow, that must've taken a lot of time to write.
Put a lot of thought into that, huh? That line about the The clueless South Side chick? That was hilarious.
Who are you? The clueless South Side chick.
Hi.
Oh.
Um it was it was just honest feedback.
Does that mean that I have permission to give it back? 'Cause that shirt's hideous.
You know what? Let me review Jesse for you, sir.
Jesse is a is a condescending, entitled, privileged piece of hipster trash who thinks that she's making the world a better place with her shitty opinions.
But, really, she's too much of a coward to bring her issues to the owner directly, so she's got to tell the fucking Internet.
I took out a mortgage on my fuckin' house, and you just dumped on it like it was nothin'.
I'm sorry.
You're sorry? Oh.
Yeah.
That feels pretty bad, doesn't it? Huh? (CUTE BOY) It's okay, baby.
Yeah, maybe you should stop being such an asshole, huh? Go cry to your daddy about your trust fund, you little bitch! (BUSH RUSTLING) Frank! Frank! Uh, just checking on my granddaughter.
- I heard we got her back.
- Oh, bullshit! - You still care about me.
- What? - Yes.
- No.
Fuck you.
- Admit it! - No, I do not.
- No, you don't - Admit it! - Just - Frank! Why did you come back? Haven't you ruined my life enough already? (SIGHS) (MONICA) Come on.
Frank, come on.
I got something to show you.
(GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY) (MONICA WHINES INDISTINCTLY) CT scan.
MRI.
Cerebral angiogram.
And this is the little grenade in my brain that's about to blow up.
I am dying, Frank.
They said that I probably got it from an infected needle or something.
(POIGNANT MUSIC) Oh, no.
No, it's okay, Frankie.
Oh, Frankie, no, no, no.
No, it's okay.
I have a plan.
I have a plan.
I need your help.
It's okay.
Frankie, I missed you.
Oh.
Thanks.
So, you, uh Hang out with Monica after I left? Not long.
Couple of drinks.
Did you have fun? Not quite the word I'd use.
What'd you talk about? You.
She misses you.
You can't take her side with that kind of stuff.
And I would be fine to never hang out with her again.
She's nuts.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY) Humans, man.
It's a fuckin' mess.
Mm.
- Not for the weak.
- Mm-mm.
- Not for pussies.
- Mm.
(LAUGHS) Mm.
Mm.
Yeah.
Holy shit.
- Look at your hair.
- Yeah.
I grew up in Jersey, so that's a whole can of Aqua Net.
No.
Is that tan real? - (LAUGHING) - It's bronzing lotion.
Hey, fuck you.
(LAUGHS) I don't want to talk about it.
- Fuck.
- Whoa! The fuck is that? (DOOR CLOSES) - Does Ian Gallagher live here? - Why? Detective Raymond.
Just need a minute of his time.
Hey, Ian! Can you come out here? Ian Gallagher? Yeah? According to corrections records, you visited Mikhailo Aleksandr Milkovich in prison on multiple occasions.
Mickey? (POLICE DETECTIVE) Has he contacted you? No.
He escaped last night.