All In The Family s07e10 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday dear Joey Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday dear Joey Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday dear Joey Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Aah! What? Oh, jeez.
Oh, oh, my God.
Michael, what's the matter? Honey, your coat! Look at your coat, it's all-- Did you get mugged again? No, honey, you won't believe what happened to me.
I was standing on the subway platform waiting for the train Yeah? I got a little impatient, so I leaned over the edge of the platform to see if the train was coming I slipped and fell on the tracks! Oh, my God! And the train was coming! And just in the nick of time, these two guys grabbed me.
They picked me up and put me on the platform.
They saved my life! Oh, thank God for good people.
Well, it was kind of a mixed blessing.
While one of 'em was dusting me off, the other guy picked my pocket.
Honey, honey.
Well, the important thing is that you're safe and alive and well.
Ooh, watch that knee! That knee, I hurt that knee there.
Oh, let me kiss it.
Ooh, kiss it, kiss it.
Honey, Honey.
You know what kept goin' through my mind? What if you'd been with me? What if we both fell on the tracks and got killed? Michael, please, that's morbid.
Honey, what if you'd been with me? What if we'd both been killed? Who would take care of Joey? Honey, don't make such a big thing out of it.
An accident like that happens maybe once in a person's lifetime.
Yeah, usually right at the end.
I hate this.
I hate this conversation.
Honey, we gotta decide right now who would raise Joey.
Well, if we have to decide right now, I don't see why we have to look any further than Ma and Daddy.
You want your father to raise Joey? I wouldn't trust that man to raise a window.
Gloria, Joey's future is at stake.
We're not gonna have him raised by a man whose idea of great poetry begins with "there was an old man from Nantucket.
" Oh, honey, well, then, who would you suggest? Well, I don't know.
What about, uh, Don and Andy Shineman? Well, they're a very happy couple.
You know why, don't you? They're always stoned out of their minds.
Come on.
Oh, come on, come on.
They're on everything but roller-skates.
All right, forget the Shinemans.
What about Craig and Sue Raimey? They're divorced.
Craig left her.
You're kidding.
Who would Craig leave a beautiful girl like Sue for? For someone named Chuck.
Craig and Chuck? We should call 'em, you know? They're probably not planning on a family of their own.
Ow, ow! Watch that knee there! I'm sorry.
Couldn't you do that on your own knee? Sorry.
Oh, boy am I dumb.
Honey, why didn't I think of it? Our best friends, Al and Trudy.
They were married right here in the house.
Yeah, not a moment too soon.
Poor Trudy.
Al wouldn't marry her till she was three months pregnant.
That's what kind of a guardian he is.
Gloria, you want perfection we'll get Roy Rodgers and Dale Evans.
Al and Trudy are terrific-- they're young, they're educated, and they think just as we do.
I'm not so sure I want Joey growing up like Al.
What, you'd rather Joey to grow up to be a bigot like Archie? Oh, you mean the way I did? Honey, you're different.
Joey's--Joey's just a baby.
Well, what do you think I started out as, a duck? Look, if it were just your mother, I would say fine, but we can't take the chance that Joey would be left alone with Archie.
Well then, we have to make sure that Joey's left alone with Ma.
How? We'll kill Daddy.
Here we are.
Come on in, birthday boy.
Okay, here we go.
There we are.
Hey.
Hey, I hope this little guy learns to walk by himself soon, because he's breakin' his grandpa's back here.
Hi, sweetheart.
Yeah, to Mommy, that's the way.
Did you have fun in the park with your grandma and your grandpa? Oh, did he ever! It reminded me of when we used to take you to the park.
Yeah, when we used to take you to the park.
Did you take him on the swings? Both: Oh, yeah, he loved the swings.
Did you take him on a slide? Oh, yeah, he loved the slide.
He went nuts on the slide.
Did you take him on the teeter-totter? Well, we took him over there, you know, but when we got to the teeter-totter there was a wino passed out on it.
Yeah, but we took lots of pictures.
Oh, wait till you see the pictures I took.
I bet your first word's gonna be "cheese.
" Oh, these come out beautiful here.
I wanna tell youse two, the most terrific gift I ever got in my life was when youse give me this kid for a grandson.
Look, Joey, look, oh, you're gettin' to stand on your grandpa.
He's gettin' tall.
Oh, you wanna see the picture.
You've had a very busy morning, and I think it's time for you to take a nap, so you won't fall asleep at your party.
Don't do that.
He ain't hollerin' that he's tired there.
Why does she always haul him off to the sack? Say "night-night.
" Edith: Bye-bye, Joey.
You know, Joey saw his first butterfly today.
Oh, this time of year? Yeah, yeah, how do you like that? Yeah, oh, it was a beautiful one with big, yellow wings and purple stripes.
Yeah, stripes, oh, yeah.
And black around the edges, and little white dots.
Yeah, it was fluttering around close to the grass, you know? And Joey was so cute.
He tried so hard to catch it.
Did he catch it? No, he was too slow, so, uh, I killed it and stuffed it in his pocket for him.
Your father murdered a butterfly today.
Oh, that's nice.
What the hell does he mean, I murdered? You know, you must have showed him an awful good time 'cause he went out like a light.
Oh, hey, wait till I show you what I got him.
I was down in Kharf's toy store today, you know, and I got him this.
This is his grandpa's personal gift to Joey.
[FIRING SOUND.]
Huh? Daddy.
Hate guns.
This here is a model of one of the real ones they give to guys nowadays.
It's a hell of a lot better than what they give me to kill Krauts in World War II.
Arch, he's a whole year old, I'm surprised you didn't get him a real gun.
Plenty of time for that when he gets older.
Mike, if you don't like it, we can take it back and get him something else.
Good.
What do you mean, "take it back"? I got a right to buy my grandson a present.
He got a right to have it.
Not if I don't want him to have it.
Oh, jeez, listen to the great dictator over here.
You're supposed to be the big bug on the Constitution, right? You know the First Amendment of the Constitution guarantees that baby the right to bear a machine gun? First Amendment guarantees free speech.
Same thing, buddy boy.
You got a gun in your hand, you're free to make any speech you want.
Ready on the right, ready on the left, ready on the firing line! You are not giving my son a gun.
This is for you, pinko.
[FIRES.]
What are ya doin'? [FIRING.]
Give me that back, will ya? What, are you crazy? There's a German Schutzstaffel sittin' there, get him! [FIRES.]
Daddy! A little Jap sniper here.
[FIRES.]
Give her that there.
Give me that.
All right, I know that you meant well, but we'd rather you give Joey something a little less violent.
Ah, come on.
Yeah, Archie, we'll get him somethin' else.
"We'll get him something else.
" What do you wanna get him? A little dolly in a pink party dress? Oh, no, don't get him a doll.
We already got him one.
It's so cute.
Ah, don't tell me-- Oh, jeez! Look--You got him that? Now I can lay down and croak.
I seen everything.
A dolly.
What, are you gonna raise him up to be a fruitcake? No, let's do it your way, Arch.
We'll raise him up to be a mafia hit-man.
Get away from me, you.
Daddy, it's very good for little boys to play with dolls.
There's even a book out now called William's Doll.
Williams Doll?! Yes, yes, yes! Aw, come on.
And it says that little boys who play with dolls grow up to be good fathers.
Oh, what a lie.
Little boys who play with dolls grow up to be other boys' roommates.
I'll give this to somebody else.
Give it to me.
Daddy-- Look what you just did! What did you do that for? All right, don't make a federal case out of it.
Well, I can't give it to Joey like this.
All right, maybe you could find some poor, deserving, little, sissy kid who would like a "decrapitated" pee-pee doll.
She hits me all the time.
Maybe we can find some poor, deserving, homicidal maniac who'd like this.
Hey, hey! Michael! You like that? You know what you just went and done? You blew seven bucks of my hard-earned dough.
Now, stop it, both of you.
You're ruining Joey's birthday.
To hell with the birthday.
They're ruining Joey.
For your information, Arch, all Gloria and I have been talking about this morning is how you're ruining Joey.
I'm--What is it? Wait a minute.
[ALL ARGUING.]
I have made up my mind! We are not leaving Joey with him! We're leaving Joey with Al and Trudy.
When? When we're gone.
Where the hell are you goin' on his birthday? Arch, what I'm trying to say is if anything terrible should happen to Gloria and me, we've decided to leave Joey with Al and Trudy.
We feel that for a lot of reasons that would be the wisest choice.
You mean if you die, you want your friends to bring up Joey instead of his own grandparents? Yeah, that's what I'm saying, Ma.
Well, what are you saying here? You're saying that her and me ain't good enough to, uh, raise our own grandson? Huh? Oh, well I guess there ain't nothin' left to say, uh, except, uh, where's my hat? Ma, Daddy, don't walk out on Joey's birthday.
Oh, oh, listen, I mean, uh, if we ain't fit to raise Joey then, uh, we ain't fit to be at the birthday.
Well, let me tell you this-- you gonna sing "Happy Birthday" around here, don't let me hear it next door.
You better keep it pretty low.
Or I am gonna call the cops on youse.
I really think we did what we had to do.
It's not just Archie's attitude about guns.
I could accept a toy gun on a birthday.
It's his attitude about everything.
Do you want our son growing up fearing and mistrusting all the other kids, thinking that all blacks are lazy, that all Jews are money grubbers, that all Puerto Ricans carry knives, and that Polish people put initials on their sleeves so they can have monogrammed hankerchiefs? 'Cause let's face it, honey, that's the way Archie thinks.
Well, I didn't grow up thinking that way.
Yeah, but you also had your mother's influence.
We can't take the chance that something might happen to Ma.
Look, I'm confident we made the right decision.
Well, I'm not.
I'll be the first to admit that Al and Trudy are not perfect.
What I know about Al, I like.
Well, what about what you don't know about him? I'm sure he has his faults.
Let's get this thing over with, huh? Who are you calling? I'm calling Al.
Michael, don't call Al.
Please, please.
Just trust me.
Al, hey.
You crazy nutball, how the hell are you? Yeah, it's me.
EDITH: Can I come in? Come on in.
Michael, it's Ma.
Nice talking to you, Al.
Hi, Ma.
Hi, Ma.
Hello.
I wanna talk to ya.
Where's Daddy? He's home.
He don't wanna ever step foot in this house again.
Well, you didn't give us a chance to explain.
Yeah, there were a lot of things to consider.
Raising a child is a really hard job, you know? There's a hundred and one things to do every minute.
Oh, I didn't know that.
I know you went through it, Ma, but it gets tougher as the years go by, and, well, maybe child-rearing is for younger women.
Gloria, do you really believe that? No.
I thought you'd trust us more.
I'm sorry.
What's wrong with your father and me.
Ma, there's nothing wrong with you.
Let me tell you somethin' about Archie-- he loves his grandson.
He's a good grandpa.
I never seen him show so much love as he does to little Joey.
Ma, maybe I can explain it to him.
No, he's too hurt already.
He don't wanna talk no more about this.
I wanna talk about this! Get away from me, you.
I wanna talk to my daughter over here.
I wanna-- [FIRES.]
Oh, jeez.
Don't laugh! Don't nobody laugh.
I wanna hear this from your own mouth, that you don't think your mother and me is fit guardians for little Joey.
Look, Arch, we know this is tough on you-- I don't wanna hear nothin' from you.
Do you think if you died and some stranger come along to take that child that I wouldn't grab him? We can put it in the will.
Oh, oh, oh, the will, huh? I would take any will into court and have it thrown out.
On what grounds? On the courthouse grounds, under the windows.
You think any self-respecting Republican judge is gonna go against me in this? A veteran citizen of New York, and alive, in favor of a dead Polack from Chicago? I think our decision is speaking for itself right now.
Well, is this your decision? I wish I were dead.
Me too.
Oh, listen, let me tell you, Meathead, death ain't gonna save you from me.
I would dig you up, dust you off, drag you into court, and say "look at this.
" I hate this conversation! In the meantime, live with that.
Edith, I had my say, and that should be good enough for you.
Let's go.
But, Archie, we can't leave.
No, no, Edith.
What the hell is the use in talking to these people? They ain't gonna listen.
It's like the old "adverb," you know? You can lead a gift horse to the water, but you can't look in his mouth.
Well, tell Joey his grandma and his grandpa wish him a happy birthday.
[CRYING.]
Honey, honey, come on, come on.
You know in your heart that Al's the better choice over Archie don't you? My father might be a lot of things, Michael, but I am willing to bet you that at a party, he never made a pass at his best friend's wife.
Wha-- You-- Wha--Tha-- Tha-- Al Bender did that?! Honey, I wasn't gonna tell you.
I didn't wanna ruin your friendship.
Behind my back?! No, right under your nose.
You got bombed, and then he got a little grabby.
Grabby? Where? Right in the kitchen.
Not where there.
Where here? Oh, where here doesn't matter.
Nothing happened.
Michael, do you think I'd let a turkey like Al Bender threaten our marriage? I love you.
I'm sorry, honey.
I love you, too.
I trust you.
Just tell me where he grabbed you.
Just--I just wanna-- Forget it, Michael.
It doesn't matter.
Don't you understand? We belong to each other.
Forever and ever.
That's it! What? That's the solution.
What? Forever and ever! What are you talking about? We don't need to find guardians for Joey because we're never going to die! Oh, why didn't I think of that? We'll make an anti-dying pact.
We'll promise each other never to die.
You will not die, and I will not die, and if we ever decide to die, we just won't die at the same time.
Agreed? [SPITS.]
Agree.
[SPITS.]
You know, we're just avoiding this thing? For now.
[IMITATING LILY TOMLIN.]
And you know what else we should do? We should stick a pin in our finger, and sign the oath in blood.
Are you crazy? We could get infections and die.
Yeah, oh, sure, little girl.
Yeah, uh, thanks very much for callin' up.
No, no, you don't have to apologize no more, I-- Oh, yeah, I understand what youse are gonna do now.
Wait till you hear the nut-stuff I'm hearin' on this phone.
Yeah, oh, sure, we're comin' right over.
Yeah, right over.
Yeah, goodbye.
What did she say? Grab you hat and let's get over there fast.
What happened? Is the party on? Oh, the party's on, and them two sound like they're on something powerful.
Well, what did she say? They decided not to name what do you call "Hal" and Trudy as guardians for Joey.
Well, who did they name? They're namin' nobody.
Oh.
You know why they're namin' nobody? 'Cause they just had a little talk over there, and they decided that they ain't never gonna die.
Oh.
[LAUGHING.]
Which means they're gonna live happy ever after in a booby-hatch.
Oh! [LAUGHING.]
Keep on laughin' that way, and, uh, you can move in there with 'em.
Archie, but that's wonderful, don't you see? No! Well, if they don't name nobody, then if something happens to them-- Oh, God forbid, but we would get Joey, 'cause we're his grandparents, we're blood relations.
Well, that's pretty sharp thinkin' there, Edith.
That's the kinda thinkin' I'd have probably, uh, thought about myself if I'd have thought about it, but still, don't you feel insulted? Why didn't they name us? Well, maybe they will sometime.
But when? Well, I don't know.
Not today.
Come on, let's go.
Edith, you know what we're doin', don't ya? We're just sweepi'' dirty dishes under the rug.
Well, for now.
Come on, let's go to the party.
Wait a minute, look in your pocket-book.
See if you got a $10 bill there, will ya? Well, yeah, I think I do.
What do you want it for? I wanna get down to Kharf's before they close, and pick up another machine gun.
Oh, no.
Give me the money! No! Give me the money! Come on! Gimme! Edith, give me that money! Edith, Edith, I want that money there! Close the door, Archie, burglars! Oh, jeez! Edith! All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.