Bewitched (1964) s07e10 Episode Script

Mother, what are you doing in there? I want to talk to you.
Is, uh, what's-his-name around? What's-his-n-- Uh, Darrin is playing golf.
Good.
Ooh! But he'll be home soon.
Oh, that's bad because I have an invitation from your old friend Rollo to join us at the Cosmos Cotillion for the costume ball to end all costume balls.
Well, it-- It sounds fascinating, Mother, but I have more important things to do.
Like what? Well, I have to peel the potatoes, chop the onions, slice the carrots and season my leg of lamb.
Ugh.
Samantha, I have failed you as a mother.
Mother.
I did it.
I did it.
Hooray! Sam, I did it.
I-- Oh.
Hi.
S-Sam, you'll-- You'll never believe-- You'll never believe this, but I-I've finally broken through.
Isn't the expression "broken out"? Sam, I finally broke 80.
Oh, sweetheart, that's terrific.
Eighty what? Oh, n-nothing, Mother.
Oh.
I'll tell you about it after your mother leaves.
Oh, and Endora, no offense, but I think you need a shave.
Ooh.
Mother, please.
Oh.
Samantha, forgive me, but when I think of what you gave up to marry a man who spends his Sundays breaking 80 nothings, I could cry.
That's only because the creature is still a novelty.
I'll be happy with him if I live to be 3000.
You can change your mind many times in 3000 years, Samantha.
Heaven knows I did.
But what about 30 years from now, when whatever dubious charms he has wrinkle up? Mother, will you do me a favor? Go to your ball, give Rollo my best, and let me see to my dinner.
You'll see more than to your dinner.
What's that supposed to me--? M-Mother? Mother? Odds plus odds Add up to evens Let the curse be On Durwood Stephens Make the future be the present And zing it To the dum-dum peasant Samantha! Sweetheart, what is it? What's the--? Ah! Well.
Say something.
Oh, Mother.
Is that all you can say? You look, uh, very handsome.
Uh, for your age.
Oh.
Sam, this is absolutely and without question the most abominable, most atrocious trick your mother has ever pulled on me.
Oh, be patient, sweetheart.
I'm trying to get her back.
Brock of owl's eye Smerge of eel-- Will you stop with the corny incantations and do something? Well, there's nothing I can do.
She's the only-- I don't want excuses.
I want the old me back.
I mean the young me.
Darrin, I know how angry you are with-- My feelings for your mother go beyond anger.
Now, I mean, anyone who could do this thing is sick.
I can't believe it.
You know, actually, you carry your age very well.
Thanks a lot.
At least I still got my own teeth.
Darrin, will you stop looking at yourself? I'm trying.
Now, you have got to get your mind off yourself.
Let's go to a nice, dark movie.
Well, suppose we meet somebody in the nice, bright lobby? How about a drive-in movie? I guess anything's better than waiting around here.
But didn't we have a date to play bridge with the Tates? I'll get us out of it.
Darrin.
I'm sorry.
There will be a 10-minute intermission before the start of the main feature.
The refreshment stand is now open.
I'll go get us some-- You'll go get us some hot dogs.
Your aunt.
Why couldn't you take her to the movies? Because these drive-ins are crawling with mashers.
You should be so lucky.
Funny.
I don't know how I'm gonna sit through that movie again.
I hated it the first time.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Oh.
Hi there.
Hello, Sam.
If you didn't want to play bridge, you should've said so.
You didn't have to make up that story about Darrin being sick.
Oh, but he is.
Well-- Well, he was asleep.
Uh, so I just decided to go out.
Well, uh, s-somebody dropped in from-- From out of town.
And as long as Darrin was asleep Well, uh, these hot dogs are getting cold.
Bye.
Well, well, well, well.
She leaves a sick husband and goes to a drive-in with somebody who just dropped in from out of town.
Darrin, here.
Let's go.
Where? To see who her date is.
You'll never guess who I ran into.
Oh, I can guess.
Hi there.
Oh, well, uh-- H-Hi, again.
Oh, I-I'd like you to meet-- Darrin's grandfather, Grover.
Grover Stephens.
This is Louise and Larry Tate.
Larry is Darrin's boss.
Oh.
Howdy, kids.
W-What you staring at, young fellow? I thought Darrin told me you had-- Gone to the great beyond? Ah, that boy never gets anything right.
It was my wife.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You know what I'm thinking? I hope so.
It was a real pleasure meeting you, sir.
Bye.
See you soon.
Bye.
What'd he mean by that? "Bye" is short for "goodbye.
" No, no, no.
What did she mean when she said, "You know what I'm thinking?" And what did he mean when he said, "I hope so"? Darrin, you're overwrought.
Here.
Eat your hot dog.
I have got bad vibrations about this.
Hello again.
And for a good reason.
Aunt Millicent, heh, I want you to meet, uh, Samantha and Grover Stephens, her husband's grandfather.
Hi, Grover.
Ma'am.
Ma'am.
You may call me Millicent.
Samantha, you can do us a big favor.
Um, Larry and I have seen this picture before and-- And he's getting this migraine headache-- Oh, well, then, I don't see why we just don't all go home.
Uh, because it's not necessary, Millicent.
I'm sure Sam and Grover won't mind if you join them for the movie.
Well, I wouldn't want to intrude.
It wouldn't be an intrusion.
Would it, Sam? This is real sweet of you, Sam.
Well, thank you, Grover.
Grover.
You can drop Millicent off at our house on your way home.
You have fun now.
That's it.
Now, you behave yourself, you two.
Oh.
Bye.
Couldn't you persuade Grover to come in for just a minute? We haven't had a chance to say two words to each other.
Hi, Sam.
Hi.
Where's Grover? He's sitting in the car.
Well, have him come in.
Just for a cup of coffee.
Coffee keeps him awake.
Oh, well, then cocoa.
Cocoa puts him to sleep.
Then tea.
Yes, yes.
Come on in, Grover, just for a few minutes.
We'll have a cup of tea.
I won't take no for an answer.
How'd you like the movie, old-timer? Passable, for a talkie.
I can't believe it.
What are you staring at, sonny? The way you straightened that picture.
You know, your grandson, Darrin, does exactly the same thing every time he walks into this room.
Compulsive neatness runs in the family.
It's scary.
How do you like your tea? Stop yelling at me.
Cream or lemon? I'll have my tea with brandy.
With brandy? Okay, forget the tea.
Just the brandy, and make it a double.
Make that two, Lawrence.
Sam? I'm driving.
I like a boy who takes a nip now and then.
Aunt Millicent.
Well, I do.
A man who has a taste for brandy has a taste for life.
So you live in Montana, Grover.
What city? Butte.
Butte? Well, isn't that a mindblower? One of my favorite spots used to be Matthew's.
On Front Street? Yes, indeedy.
I stopped by there just last week.
Well, it was torn down last year.
Uh, uh-- Grandpa loves to look at excavations.
Samantha, I think we should make a break for it.
Okay, Grandpa.
Up we go.
Now, stop calling him "Grandpa.
" You make him sound so old.
I'm aging fast.
Believe me.
That's downer talk, Grover.
You're still a groovy-looking boy.
Louise, I just had a great idea.
You know my meeting tomorrow night? What meeting? My meeting.
My meeting.
The meeting I can't miss.
Oh, that meeting.
Well, I can't miss the meeting.
No point in letting the tickets go to waste.
Why not give this groovy-looking boy and this far-out chick our theater tickets for tomorrow night? Well, now, don't be pushy, Lawrence.
If Grover wants to ask me out, I guess he can speak for himself.
It's a great musical, Grover.
Uh, the truth is I've seen it.
What do you mean you've seen it? I haven't even told you the name of it yet.
What-- What Grandpa means is-- Is that they-- They get all the road companies in Butte.
He's seen them all.
Well, he hasn't seen this one because tomorrow is opening night.
How did I let myself be talked into it? Look at the bright side of things, sweetheart.
It's supposed to be a great musical.
Don't even joke about it, Sam.
I am not going out with that overaged hippie.
Mother, a-a joke is a joke.
Now, when I snap my fingers, I want you to appear front and center.
Is the novelty beginning to wear off, Samantha? Mother, where are you? Is the novelty beginning to wear off, Samantha? Mother, you better materialize this instant.
This is a recording.
Funny.
Well Sam, I am coming very close to the end of my breakfast and the end of my rope.
Say something.
Something.
Sam.
Just as soon as I get in touch with Mother, you're going to hear plenty.
"Soon" in your crowd could mean a hundred years from now.
I need a face transplant by lunchtime.
Couldn't you postpone the lunch? Impossible.
This is my first meeting with Booker.
He's on his way to Europe and will only be in town for a couple of hours.
So if I don't sell him at lunch, it's goodbye, account.
You are not going to let Mother get away with this.
You are going to that meeting.
How am I going to that meeting? Just get in your car and go.
Well, you-- You said this is your first meeting with Booker, right? Now, I mean, he's never met you, and you've never met him.
Right? Right.
Then what's the problem? If he doesn't know what you look like, what's the difference what you look like? Um, a Mr.
Jennings Booker here? Ah, thank you.
Booker? Yeah? I'm Stephens.
Stephens? W-Why do you say it that way? It's a good old American name.
You were expecting me, weren't you? Heh.
Well, not exactly.
I don't know where I got the impression that you'd be a younger man.
Yes, I do.
From Tate, who said he was assigning young Stephens to the account.
He always calls me "young Stephens.
" Because I am young.
In here and in here, where it counts.
Now, let's see how the cookie crumbles.
Beau Geste is a line of toiletries that appeals to the 18- to 25-year age group.
Now, our motivational research-- Mr.
Stephens? Mm.
Yes? There is a call for you, sir.
Oh, tha-- Thank you.
Uh, excuse me, Mr.
Booker.
Uh, thank you, sonny.
Hello.
Oh, sweetheart.
I've been so worried.
How's it going? As well as can be expected.
Has Endora shown up yet? No, but-- But I'm tossing incantations all over the place.
Well, keep at it.
I'd better get back to the table.
My board meeting ended early, Mr.
Booker.
and I thought I'd join you fellas and see if I could help out.
On second thought, I'd better not.
What is it? Larry has just walked into the restaurant, and he's talking to Booker.
Sam, what am I gonna do? You'll think of something.
I'm thinking of cutting my wrists.
Darrin, don't panic.
Sam, I've gotta make a move.
You have an idea? Now, don't misunderstand me, Tate.
I admire you for keeping your employees on beyond the age of retirement.
I'm not sure I follow you.
Mm-hm.
I'll do it.
Now, hold on.
Are--? Are we talking about the same Darrin Stephens? Yes.
Age 70, bald head, mustache, slightly hunched over.
That is not, I repeat, not Darrin Stephens.
Then who is it? I haven't the vaguest idea.
But I'm going to find out.
There he is.
That's him.
Hi, kids.
That's him? That's Grover Stephens, Darrin's grandfather.
That's me.
Now, look, old-timer, I've been brought up to respect old age, and it isn't really very nice of you to pass yourself off as Darrin.
Now, what's everybody getting so het up about? Darrin got up this morning with an infected throat that-- That could destroy the city.
What could the kid do? He could've called the office.
Whatever for when I'm available? Mr.
Booker, I must apologize-- We forgive you, Lawrence, so just hush up.
Let's get cracking.
The kid filled me in as much as he could.
Now, let's put this in the gas tank and see how far it takes us.
What I had in mind was a saturation campaign for television.
Uh, fade in.
Interior, bathroom.
A nice-looking boy with glasses, the shy type, uh, has just finished shaving.
For the first time in his life, he-- He picks up a bottle of Beau Geste and dabs a little on his face.
And boom! The bathroom becomes the Sahara.
The boy turns into a member of the French Foreign Legion.
He's right in the middle of a battle.
But here's the switch: He's fighting off girls.
Not bad for an old geezer, huh? You son of a gun.
And when I finished my presentation, Beau Geste was in my back pocket.
That's my old man.
I bet Larry was thrilled.
He offered to make me Darrin's supervisor.
You hear that, Mother? No matter what you do, things seem to work out.
So why don't you undo your thing? That stubborn old witch will never-- Uh, Da-- Darrin, name-calling is not going to help.
Now, I know that Mother can behave badly at times, but deep down, she's-- She's-- Rotten.
If you don't mind, call Larry and tell him the date with Millicent is off.
Grandpa has been called home on an emergency.
Oh, sweetheart, that would break Millicent's heart.
She'll get over me.
Hi, Sam.
Well, what a surprise.
Thought we'd save Grover a trip and bring Millicent over here.
We came early so I'd have a chance to tell Darrin what a great job his grandfather did this afternoon.
Well, you c-- You can't.
He's sound asleep.
Oh, how's he feeling? Well, he's feeling better, but he doesn't look so good.
Oh, well, he'll be all right.
Grover, you were great this afternoon.
Absolutely brilliant.
Darrin briefed me.
Oh, I'm so proud of you, Grover.
Ah, you may be proud, Millicent, but I'm bushed.
I'm afraid I just can't make our date tonight.
Oh, Grover.
Oh.
Oh-- Oh, well, I-I'm sure you understand.
It's-- It's all that business activity.
Uh-- Uh, Grandpa just wants to relax in front of the television set.
Oh, well, I'm sure Aunt Millicent doesn't care one way or the other, as long as they're together.
I guess you'd like a drink.
I'll go get some more ice.
Excuse me.
Will someone answer the door, please? I'll get it.
Yes? Is that the way you folks out here say hello? Hi there.
Hello.
Hi.
What's the matter, Grover? Cat got your tongue? Uh, h-hello there.
Forgot my name so soon? Well, you can't really blame him, dearie.
We've only been married Married? Married? Married? You can't say it too often.
He needs reminding.
Married? Okay, hot lips, I'm giving you one more chance.
And if I catch you messing around again, I'm going home to Mother.
All I was gonna do was watch wrestling with her.
You poor kid.
He was pulling the old wrestling bit on you, hm? And what is that supposed to mean? First, you watch wrestling and then he challenges you to a little match on the sofa.
Why-- Louise, take me home.
Oh! You degenerate.
A man your age, carrying on like that.
And congratulations.
Sam, i-is that really you in there? You bet your old-age pension it is.
Sam.
Okay, hot lips.
But I'm giving you one more chance.
And if I catch you messing around again, I'm going home to Mother.
Sweetheart, no matter how atrocious and abominable my mother might behave, she always comes to her senses.
Eventually.
Usually.
That's not what I'm worried about.
It isn't? No.
Being turned into Rip Van Wrinkle for a couple of days to satisfy your mother's warped sense of humor isn't half as bad as wondering what's gonna happen when I really do grow old.
I mean, well, what's it gonna look like? This old goat with that young chick.
Simple.
We'll grow old together.
But witches don't grow old at the same pace as-- Witches can do anything they want to do.
And I love you.
So this young chick and that old goat will look like a matched set.
How about a little preview? How's that? I can't tell.
Pucker up.
You're an oldie but a goody.
And as far as I'm concerned, you're still the sexiest thing that ever lived.
I can't stand it! Mother.
Oh, it's ridiculous having a daughter who looks twice my age.
Now, you change yourself at once.
No.
I am gonna stay this way as long as Darrin stays that way.
Stubborn.
Okay, Mother? Okay.
One, two-- Witch's honor? Witch's honor.
One, two, three.
Thank you, Mother, dear.
Now, as for you, Endora-- Please, Darwood.
Excessive gratitude always embarrasses me.
Now, uh, where were we? TRANSCRIPT: adrianp55