Last Man Standing s07e10 Episode Script

And thank you for choosing Bud's Buds.
Our goal is to provide an upscale shopping experience.
Enjoy your Buzzed Lightyear.
Wow.
Is nothing sacred? I'm here to give you something no drug dealer has ever had to deal with: taxes.
Not a drug dealer, but let's not let the facts get in the way of a good insult.
Listen, you got to give me your quarterly tax returns, all right? Somewhere, Scarface is rolling over in his grave.
(Cuban accent): "Say hello to my little Schedule C.
" Wow.
That is a really good Pacino.
Hey, why don't you show me what he would be like leaving a pot store? (Normal voice): Look at you, giving one as good as you got one.
Well, kind of you're not very good at this.
Uh, anything else, Mike? Well, actually, there is something very important.
I wanted to get my wife a gift that says I love her, something very special.
I'm thinking roach clip.
- Roach clip? - Yeah.
Might want to, uh, try the museum.
Actually, I was hoping I could get you to let me have Boyd for the weekend.
Oh, I was thinking of doing something with Boyd - for the weekend.
- Oh, come on.
I think he needs a little grandpa time.
I want to take him fishing.
Okay.
Yeah.
He loves fishing.
But only because I have yet to convince him that fish feel pain.
Hey, if you don't want to get caught, you shouldn't live in a river.
That's (Laughs) Yeah.
Boy, this is clever.
"Yes We Can-nabis.
" I-I got to get out of this joint.
- Hey, Dad.
Got a minute? - Not right now.
I'm picking out waders for my fishing trip with Boyd.
Now, watch this.
I think these are slimming, right? But I think these bring out my eyes.
Hmm.
Uh, that one.
I think Rihanna wore those to Kennedy Center Honors.
That's where I saw them.
Uh, and about that fishing trip, Ryan had plans - with Boyd this weekend.
- No, I talked to him.
He said he was "thinking about doing something.
" And for a liberal, when they say they're thinking about doing something, - that's usually the end of it.
- Hmm.
Yeah, no, he has the whole thing planned, and he's been looking forward to it for weeks.
Well, why didn't he just say that? I know this may sound crazy to you, Dad, but maybe he's just being a nice guy.
Really? So, him not letting me be a nice guy is him being a nice guy? That's like Obama logic.
Well, I'm giving you the chance to be a nice guy right now.
Let Ryan spend the weekend with his son.
Fine, I'll let him be with his son.
Uh, great.
Thank you.
Uh, Boyd's upstairs.
I'll go tell him.
That's all right, I'll tell Boyd.
You know, I can hog that nice guy spotlight just as well as Ryan can.
Where does he want to take him this weekend? He's taking him to an arts and crafts festival - in Steamboat Springs.
- Hmm.
They're gonna learn how to hook a rug.
Give a man a rug and he has something to walk on.
Teach a man to hook a rug, and you've wasted a weekend.
Woman (Over speaker): It's been 45 years since the five bodies were found in shallow graves near the sleepy town of Leadville, Colorado.
Authorities finally agree the identity of the Leadville Killer is This is so exciting.
I still think it was the football coach.
He left the high school at 4:00 and went to the bank.
The second victim was found on a riverbank.
Coincidence? You know, I-I think it was the town butcher.
I mean, for one thing, he was the town butcher.
What about those four John Does? Clearly, they're related.
All right, here we go.
And the identity of the Leadville Killer is Woman: unknown to this day.
- Boo.
- Are you kidding? Woman: His identity is lost, like the lives of those he took.
The Leadville Murder Chronicles are brought to you by Flom Flom.
Flom Flom get connected.
What? We spent weeks on this, and it's unsolved? They should tell us that in the first episode.
It's like, no one would watch Scooby-Doo if they didn't tell you who the bad guy was at the end.
Who am I kidding? I'd still watch.
That dog is a genius.
Mandy, excuse me.
Guys, uh, can't do lunch today.
Got to do something with Boyd.
Sorry.
That's okay, Dad.
Kyle and I are solving a murder.
Really? Thought this was Personnel.
I didn't realize we had a homicide division.
No.
We are listening to a podcast - about the Leadville murders.
- Mm-hmm.
I think we can crack it.
You may remember that summer at the cabin when I won two games of Clue.
Very impressive.
That's how Comey got his job.
This is weird.
Wow.
This one here kind of looks like Ed if he had hair.
I'll see you at home, guys.
Kyle, get back to work.
(Scoffs) Ed with hair.
(Chuckles) Ed never had hair.
Wait.
In 1972, Ed would have had hair.
Do you think? Wait, no, no.
The-the profiler said the killer was an experienced hunter with excellent survival skills.
But that could be a ton of people in Colorado.
They also said he was a short-tempered man with a dancer's body.
Zoinks.
Hey, kid, only my grandson can touch stuff on my desk.
(Laughs) Hi, Grandpa.
Oh, it's you.
Listen, don't touch stuff on my desk.
Hey, can we go downstairs and get a new rod for this weekend? Uh, we're not going fishing this weekend, and you're not gonna want to after you find out where your dad is planning to take you.
I thought he was working.
No.
He wants to spend time with you.
He wants to take you to a special arts festival in Steamboat.
What about our fishing trip? We can do that any time.
I can reschedule.
I'll just call the fish.
- Hey.
- Hey, I was just telling him about that little arts festival you want to take him to.
Sounds like fun, Dad.
Uh, yeah, it is fun.
But, you know, so is fishing with your grandpa.
So we'll go to the festival another time.
Oh, no, no.
No, we're not gonna go fishing.
You know, you're gonna witness the birth of a rug.
Come on.
So, so, wait, are we, are we fishing or not? - No.
No no.
- Yes.
Your kid wants to go with you.
I'm gonna let you take him.
But he's looking forward to the fishing trip with you, so I'm letting you take him.
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
This is a weird fight.
- We're not fighting.
- No, no.
I'm just trying to do something nice, and you're not gonna let me? I'm trying to do something nice, and you're not gonna let me? Actually, I have a better idea.
We should all do something together.
(Both laugh) Oh, really? Yeah, seriously.
Fishing or art? There's a balloon race this weekend in Grand Lake.
We should all drive up there and watch it.
Oh.
Did I mention it's arts and crafts? Is that what you really want to do, Boyd? It is.
I think it would be great if we could all just hang out and have fun.
Uh you up for that, Mike? Hmm.
Yeah.
Balloon race? Come on, NASCAR of the sky, as they I'm all in.
All packed up for my delightful road trip with Ryan.
I think I got everything except my cyanide tablets.
Oh, come on, Mike, it'll be fun.
Yeah, it'll be a lot of fun.
People on blankets staring at people in baskets.
Sounds like a real hootenanny.
Well, I'm sure Ryan's looking forward to it.
This is gonna be the worst weekend of my life.
It's two days.
I was in labor for two days.
In a car? With your dad? Just visualize something positive, like a kitten playing with a ball of yarn.
Meow.
Or a lion playing with your dad's head.
Whatever works for you.
- And remember, my dad respects you.
- Oh, please, I'm your dad's punching bag.
It's gonna be two hours of stand-up comedy about my slow driving, my music, my bumper sticker that says, "Arms Are for Hugging.
" I know mine are.
Mwah.
Don't worry.
I bet my dad is glad that he doesn't have to drive.
And Ryan'll be driving, which means I got to deal with a lot of people with their thumbs up because they like whales, too.
Why are you getting so worked up about this? You've taken trips with Ryan before.
Yeah, but the last time I took a trip with him was with he and his dad, the only person on Earth that makes me feel sorry for Ryan.
You know what? The trip might be easier if you didn't criticize him so much.
Didn't criticize him? We, we have to talk.
(Laughs) - Okay, what? - I don't know, I just, I think it's so funny that-that the one time you guys try to do something nice for each other, it bites you in the ass.
He was not trying to do something nice.
He was trying to do something nicer than me.
And if he thinks he can out-nice me, I will squash that turd.
(Phone ringing) Oh.
Hey, hon.
Tell me this isn't gonna be as bad as I think it is.
Well, your dad and Ryan trapped in a car for a two-hour drive? I hope you have a black dress.
We know Mr.
Alzate.
There's no way he's the Leadville Killer.
Honey, we are amateur professional detectives.
We need to pursue every lead.
And once we talk to Ed, we can cross him off our list.
Yeah, w-we're not accusing him, we're-we're exonerating him.
You know, we're just doing our Scooby-Doo diligence.
Exactly.
And once Ed is cleared, we can move onto our other unidentified suspects, Cowboy Hat and Scowl Face.
I got my eyes on Scowl Face.
You know, I mean, just the name sounds like a criminal.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Mandy, how nice of you to bring us lunch.
Uh, to what do I owe the pleasure? Well, it's just been so long since we've got to talk.
Yeah, uh, you know, we just thought it'd be fun to catch up.
- Oh.
- Like, uh, Mandy and I, we were just talking about this podcast we're listening to.
Podcast.
And what's that? Oh, it's like the radio, but on your phone.
It sounds unnecessary.
Well, the one we're listening to takes place in Leadville.
Leadville? Now, why do you bring up Leadville? Oh, that's just where the case took place, back in 1972.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Now, why would I care about Leadville in 1972? Well, we saw this picture, and the guy kind of looked like a young you.
Crazy, right? (Both chuckle) Whatever picture you found is none of your business.
All right? You really shouldn't be snooping around.
Someone could get hurt.
Hey, you're making it sound like you have something to hide.
Anyone who's interesting has something to hide.
Thanks for the lunch.
What does all this mean? It means Scowl Face is off the hook.
This is nice.
Really? Surprised to hear you say that.
Yeah.
It reminds me of driving with my grandmother - on long road trips.
- (Makes smacking sound) Right down to the mouth noises.
My mouth is dry.
Do you want a hard candy out of your purse? - I like the way you drive, Dad.
- Thank you, Boyd.
Well, the good thing about driving this slow is it won't hurt when I fling myself out of the car.
And there's a meadow coming up in three, two, one, liar.
Why don't we listen to the radio? No, we're not listening to the radio.
No more NPR.
Please, God! What is your problem with listening to public radio and, I don't know, maybe learning something? I have learned something don't listen to NPR.
How about that? Right there is the problem with conservatives.
You stick your fingers in your ears so you don't have to hear the truth.
A liberal sticks a finger in his ear, it'll poke out the other side.
Can we not argue the whole time? Yes.
Sorry.
Why don't we just not talk for a little bit? (Engine rattles) - What is that? - I don't know.
It makes that noise every once in a while, and then that stupid light comes on.
What's the light say? "Check Engine.
" - What do you suppose that means? - I don't know.
How about check engine? Not just to look and see if it's there.
We're never gonna make it up the pass.
It's fine, okay.
Old cars make noises.
Part of their charm.
(Engine sputters, dies) Uh-oh.
(Whispers): Charming.
Hey, do you have any tools in here? Uh, I have my woodworking tools.
Well, perfect.
We can chop a tree down and whittle ourselves a socket set.
You know what my mistake was? Well, asking me that question wasn't the brightest thing you've ever done.
I should've just told Boyd that he was going fishing with you.
Well, then you wouldn't have been able to look like the hero and make me out to be the bad guy.
That's not what I was doing.
If anything, I was trying to make you look good.
Oh, that's impossible.
Me just standing next to you, I look good.
Please.
I dance circles around you when we argue.
Oh, I think your "Check Ego" light just popped on.
Look, when you take Boyd for the weekend, it takes me an entire week to deprogram out all the fascist ideas you teach him.
Well, then, why did you want me to go fishing with him? Because you also teach him things that I can't, okay? And he thinks you're the greatest.
And it drives me crazy.
I love every single thing you just said.
You remember my dad, right? Met him twice.
- First and last time.
- Exactly.
But I love my grandpa like Boyd loves you.
And my dad hated it.
And eventually he said, "That's it.
No more time with Grandpa.
" And I was all like, "But I love Grandpa.
" And he was like, "Oh, what, are you gonna cry now, you little baby?" Should we interrupt him? I don't think so.
You talk to him.
I'm not gonna talk to him.
My dad stopped letting me hang out with my grandpa.
When he got sick my dad wouldn't even let me see him.
Now all I have left are those stupid woodworking tools.
All right, this is very hard for me to say but could you move a little, 'cause you're in the light.
Yeah, why would you get it, right? I get it, okay? I get it.
I'm sorry.
You just don't want to turn out and make the same mistakes your dad did, all right? But you don't have to worry about that sort of thing.
First off, there's no way you could keep me - from seeing my grandson.
- (Scoffs) I could.
No, you couldn't.
Okay, I couldn't.
We're not our dads, all right.
You're not your dad.
Yeah, I know that, all right.
But when it comes to being a father, the only thing I know for certain is what not to do.
I get it.
Well, you should do what I did.
You know, you just go with your instincts.
Follow your instincts.
You know, and as far as being a parent's concerned and that's about it you're-you're pretty spot-on.
Wow.
Rare compliment.
I thought it would feel better.
But I actually feel like I drank a Slurpee too fast.
Okay, here's what we know.
The Leadville Killer was never found, and Mr.
Alzate is the Leadville Killer.
Whoa, we don't know that.
He fits the profile, we can place him in the area of the killings, and he won't talk about his time there.
That evidence is not just "circumcisional.
" So, what are you saying? I'm saying it may be time to go to the police.
Oh, no, no, I would drop dead twice before I rat out Mr.
A to Johnny Law.
And that is detective speak for "no way.
" Wait, so you wouldn't turn Ed in, even if he killed all those people? He's been like a father to me.
Although I did turn my father in.
But he was like a stranger to me, so I can't believe you'd protect Ed just because you like him.
- Enough! - (Mandy gasps) Mr.
Alzate, why are you coming through the backdoor? I didn't want anyone to know I was here.
- It's time to end this.
- (Gasps) Yeah, I know you've been snooping around in my life.
I wanted you to hear the truth from me.
It's a bunch of naked hippies, and they're alive.
(Chuckles) We were never more alive.
Skinny-dipping in Copper Creek, all hopped up on Boone's Farm and peyote buttons But why'd you need to keep this a secret? Look at the naked woman on my shoulders.
Why was everyone naked in the '70s? Were clothes that expensive? Hey, is that Barbra Streisand? That's right, that's right.
She performed for presidents and kings, the biggest star in the world; she couldn't let that get out.
That's all? We thought you were the Leadville Killer.
What? Are you nuts? Well, you were acting all strange about being there in 1972.
Well, I had a lot to hide.
Look, I was I was buck naked in the woods with Babs.
You wouldn't want the world to see Fanny Brice's fanny.
Well, now, what the hell? Now it's-it's all over now, so The carbon paper's out of the mimeograph, so share it with the world.
- Fine.
- Yeah.
That's okay, Mr.
Alzate.
You take it.
We'll never tell anyone.
In fact, we wish we could unsee it.
Thank you.
Thank you let's just hope no one sees the tape of me and Madeleine Albright.
Can't believe you fixed that with a pair of pliers.
Well, we all have our skills, right? For instance, you'll be able to save us if we're ever stuck on the side of the road and we need a rug.
All right, listen.
Hey, Boyd.
Boyd.
Boyd, take those out for a second.
- Yeah, Grandpa? - Listen.
Does it bother you when your dad and I argue? - I-I don't know.
Kind of.
- Well, you know we're just doing it because we have difference of opinion.
- That's all this is about.
- Ryan: Yeah.
Right, like Grandpa lives in a world where the Earth won't die if the corporations could just make more money.
And your dad lives in a world where he thinks everything would be better if we just held hands a little longer.
So, just because you fight doesn't mean - we won't do stuff together? - No, no, no, no.
We like to fight.
Right, Bozo? Yeah, we do, Mike.
That's your father taking the high road.
The important thing is, I will always want to see you.
And I will make sure that he always does.
So, are we going home? No, we're not going home.
We're gonna go to the hotel and the balloon race tomorrow.
We'll get there quicker if I drive, so get out.
I want to see how this old crate drives.
Uh, Ruth.
Ruth? Ruth.
I call my car Ruth Motor Ginsburg.
I'm sure you do.
You know, I think I have a picture in my office of Ed with her.
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, where we say, "Give your kid a fish, he'll eat for a day.
"Teach your kid how to fish, he'll have an excuse to flee the house for a lifetime.
" You see, we have a pole model to help you be a good role model.
Listen, of course, in life, no matter how fine of example you set, there's no guarantee your kid's gonna follow it.
Even the great Ronald Reagan had one kid that turned out to be a little "wonky.
" On the other hand, some people have lousy role models and turn out fine.
Gerald Ford's biological father was a terrible parent, but Jerry became president and, more importantly, led Michigan football to two national titles.
Go Blue! Yeah.
Everyone reacts to their role models.
My old man used to blow Pall Mall in your face to let you know he was done listening.
(Sharp inhale, heavy exhale) "We're done here, kid.
" (Blows) Made me hate cigarettes.
Made my brother Jimmy a Pall Mall man for life.
Kids are tough and resilient.
And the more time they spend outdoors, the tougher and more resilient they'll be.
That's the real deal.
(Chuckles) Speaking of "reel deals," you don't want to send them out there with bad equipment.
And where would you get good equipment? Outdoor Man.
We got all the "reel deals" your family needs.
Baxter out.