Mom s07e10 Episode Script

1 Candy cane pie is so good.
I wish they served it all year round.
I think the reason we love candy canes so much is because they give you the same feeling as rubbing coke on your gums.
It kind of does.
And I won't be up vacuuming naked at 3:00 in the morning.
I know what I want for Christmas.
A videotape of Marjorie on cocaine.
Well, there wouldn't be videos.
It'd be chiseled on a cave wall.
What are you guys doing on Christmas Eve? Anyone want to come caroling with me and my church group? (to "Deck the Halls"): No, no-no, no, no-no, no-no.
But thanks for asking.
Ah, I wish we could, but we've got plans.
With each other.
On Christmas.
Can you believe it? Adam's working, so we're gonna make gingerbread houses and watch movies in matching jammies.
You don't know how hard it was to find footie pajamas in her size.
Or how easy it was to find 'em in hers.
Well, if anybody wants to come sing, we hit Bluebird Lane around 7:00.
- (ringtone playing) - Oh, it's my sponsee.
I have to take it.
She totally relies on me.
Hi, Patty.
How can I put my life on hold while I help you today? She calls her four times a day.
Well, I'm gonna be calling you a ton 'cause I'm in free-fall.
Andy took off to Minnesota to spend Christmas with his mother.
Well, why didn't you go with him? There's lots of reasons, Tammy.
The big one being he didn't invite me.
I mean, if you and I were dating, and you were going home for the holidays, you would take me, wouldn't you? It depends.
Are we exclusive? Does every date end in a sleepover? Have we taken a bath together? Yes to all three.
Well, then I would definitely take you home and parade you around the local Applebee's.
Oh, I don't know what Applebee's is, but Tammy's a good boyfriend.
Patty's going through a rough patch, so I invited her to spend Christmas with us.
Oh.
Well, Christmas with me, my mom and a stranger.
Not the first time.
Mm.
In fact, why doesn't everyone come over Christmas Eve? It might help cheer Patty up.
You want to go to this party, baby? 'Cause if you not, we can stay home and snuggle.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing? I'm setting up the coffee.
But everything's all higgledy-piggledy.
Look, I didn't go to college.
What does that mean? It means the stir sticks go here, and the sweeteners go here.
Talk about higgy-wiggy.
I mean, most people are right-handed.
It makes more sense to do it this way.
Ugh.
But we're alcoholics.
You can't just go changing things, 'cause we don't like change! Look, Bonnie's running a little late.
She asked me to handle it.
I'm handling it! Okay.
Marjorie, can you tell Tammy to stop moving the stir sticks! Oh, God, she moved the stir sticks? No! And this is where we have our meetings.
It's also where they have bingo, country line dancing and, uh, CPR classes.
I came on the wrong day once, and now I can Heimlich a baby.
My baby's eight years old.
- I'm not allowed to see her.
- Nice job, Christy.
Everyone, this is Patty, my sponsee.
Come meet Patty, my sponsee.
Patty, this is Marjorie, Jill, Tammy, Wendy.
This is my sponsee, Patty, the woman who I sponsor.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Welcome.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
I'm gonna sit down.
If you think she seems sad now, you should have seen her before I started working my magic.
Okay, what dumb-ass got creative with the stir sticks? I thought I was handling my boyfriend abandoning me at Christmas pretty well.
But then he sent me a picture of him and his mom.
S-Sweet, right? But if you zoom in close on his left arm, you can clearly see three fingers that belong to a lady who was obviously cropped out.
Um, I'm trying not to obsess over what is probably nothing, but who is she? (singsongy): Who is she? Who is she?! Anyway, if I'm not here tomorrow, I'm in Minneapolis with blood on my hands.
Thanks.
Would anybody else like to share? I hated when you did this to me, but it's fun doing it to someone else.
Go ahead.
Hi.
I'm Patty, and I'm an alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Patty.
I have 85 days, which is the longest I've ever had, thanks to my incredible sponsor.
I called her yesterday because my mom told me that she won't let me see my daughter at Christmas.
(quietly): Aw.
It's because of last year.
I got wasted before lunch, knocked over the Christmas tree, and then I started screaming at my mom.
My kid spent most of the day crying.
I thought having 85 days might buy me a second chance.
It didn't.
So, what's the point of having 85 days? That's it.
Hi, I'm Marjorie, alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Marjorie.
This time of year just makes me extra grateful for my life and the people in it.
(quietly): Take a look at that hand.
Am I overreacting? (Marjorie): But now It's a 30-hour drive.
Wear a diaper, go straight through.
Thanks for sharing your room with me.
Mm.
No problem.
This is sort of like we're sisters.
Oh, my God.
That would make Bonnie my mom.
Oh, I wish Bonnie was my mom.
When I was a kid, I would say the same thing.
Girls, it's late.
Keep it down or invite me in.
- We'll be quiet.
- Come on in! Well, how you holding up? Well, I'm okay, I guess.
I'm just sad that when my daughter looks back on this Christmas, all she's gonna remember is that I wasn't there.
Or worse, she'll remember the years I was.
I know it's hard to imagine right now, but one day, you guys might be able to look back and laugh at this stuff, - even the most painful parts.
- We do it constantly.
Ooh, remember that time when I was 11? You're gonna have to be more specific.
Christmas Eve.
This one goes out with her new boyfriend of 48 hours to buy a few last-minute presents.
Oh, come on now.
Not that story.
No, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny.
Turns out, there's a bar right next to the Toys "R" Us, and I wake up Christmas morning in an empty house.
Around noon, the phone rings.
It's a collect call, so I'm thinking she's in jail again, but no.
No, no.
No, she got into a fight with Dad of the Week, and needs me to go pick her up - at the park where she passed out.
- (laughs) I'm 11.
So, I drive over and get her.
In my defense, she was an excellent driver.
- Still is.
- Thanks.
That's incredible.
Not done.
On the way back home, we stopped at a gas station where I bought my own Christmas presents Two Milky Ways and a Teen Bop magazine with a fold-out poster of Kirk Cameron.
I believe there was also a Yoo-hoo involved.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yoo-hoo.
Nothing says Christmas like chocolate milk that doesn't need to be refrigerated.
(laughs) Okay, this has been fun, but if I'm not asleep when Adam comes home, he'll want to talk about his day.
Oh.
Oh, oh.
Oh! I forgot the best part.
That night, she gets drunk again, eats my Milky Ways and then puts her chocolatey fingers all over my magazine.
For the record, I didn't get drunk again.
I got high.
Sweet dreams.
Hmm.
Your mom is awesome.
I feel like everyone who lives in my gingerbread house is really happy.
Now they're all dead.
I'm thinking they got out okay.
No, they're all pinned under the rubble, and the cell service is bad.
Something bothering you, Patty? My mom won't even let me talk to Erica on the phone.
I'm sorry.
If it makes you feel any better, my daughter won't talk to me, and my son chose to live with his father.
That's so sad.
I know.
I was trying to cheer you up to my level, but I depressed myself down to yours.
Okay, candidate number five Katie.
She went to high school with Andy, still lives in town, not married.
Okay, look at the fingers.
Are they too stubby? Enough with the fingers.
Jill, why aren't you participating in this time-consuming, supposedly fun yuletide ritual? I am.
But as in real life, I hired a contractor to build my house for me.
How's it going over there, Tam? It's great.
I'm building an 18th century English country house.
I think you're gonna like it.
I just have to redo these gables.
What happened to Bonnie? She went to get a sweater.
That was, like, an hour ago.
It was? Wow.
Time sure flies when you're building a historically accurate representation of a house out of cookies.
Be right back.
(gasps) Ooh.
Forget stubby fingers.
Look at candidate number six.
- Oh, my God, just call him! - What? You've got a great boyfriend who loves you, so stop inventing drama! If you got a question, just call him and ask, or get ready to sit home with me every Saturday night and knit socks! I guess I could give him a call.
Hey, Wendy, if you're making socks, I'm a size ten and a half, and I like the ones with little toes like foot mittens.
I'm prepared to sit here all night.
What do you want me to say? The holidays are hard for me.
Oh, you're the one.
Christy told an awful story about me last night.
I've heard it a thousand times, I've always laughed, but for some reason, now I want to punch myself in the face.
I'm just suddenly (chuckles softly) very ashamed of who I was.
And that is not how I roll.
You're right where you're supposed to be.
What, hiding in my room crying about something that went down 30 years ago? What's happening to you is very common.
You've got almost five years, and you're starting to see your past through sober glasses, and that can be painful.
Why during Christmas? We don't get to schedule when it happens.
It just, it comes up when it comes up.
I once made a flight to Detroit very, very uncomfortable for my seatmates.
Why were you in Detroit? It's the National Cat Show.
Is that why you were crying, 'cause you paid to go to a cat show? If you really must know, I was crying because 15 years earlier I had cheated on my husband, and for some reason mid-flight, the enormity of what I had done hit me.
Oh.
(sighs) I get it.
Recovery is a never-ending process.
We're slowly peeling back layers of an onion.
You don't get to see it all at once, but that's a blessing.
'Cause nobody could handle it.
(knocking) Bit of a situation.
Patty has decided to go kidnap her daughter.
That's not the word she's using, but I'm telling you that is what it is.
- Hey, what's going on? - I'm going to get my daughter.
Get out of my way.
But what about your mom? Gonna wait till she falls asleep, crawl through the doggy door, grab my kid and find a motel to celebrate Christmas together.
Oh, my God, we're gonna be on Dateline.
Patty listen to me.
Sometimes when we're angry, we don't really make the best decisions.
I just want to hug my daughter, okay? C-Come here.
Sit down.
Here, have some chimney.
I know what you're going through is really painful This is your first sober Christmas But like everything in sobriety, you don't have to face it alone.
You have me.
You have all of us.
Yeah.
And we're gonna help you make the best of it.
And as your sponsor, I'm supposed to give you suggestions that make you go, "Ugh," so here goes.
(takes deep breath) I want you to text your mother and say "thank you.
" Ugh! Why? For taking such good care of your daughter.
Just think about it.
Come on.
Let's get your stuff back upstairs.
Fine.
If you're planning on making a run for it, just know that I am stronger than I look.
- No, you're not.
- No, I'm not.
You handled that beautifully.
(sighs) Good, 'cause I want to die.
But I'm not gonna ruin another Christmas.
Who wants to watch It's a Wonderful Life even though it's not? You know, it's early we could still go caroling.
O holy no.
My God, you have a beautiful voice.
I guess I could do a couple of houses.
And that's how it's done.
So what do we do, just knock on a door and start singing? You don't knock on doors That's trick-or-treating.
We stand in the yard and sing.
If they like it, they come out and give us cookies or candy.
So it is trick-or-treating.
MARJORIE: This is a pretty house.
I don't need it.
(Wendy blows pitch pipe) We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year - Good tidings we bring - We wish you a Merry Christmas - To you and your kin - We wish you - Good tidings for Christmas - Christmas - And a Happy New Year - New Year - Now, bring us some figgy pudding - Pudding - Now bring us some figgy pudding - Pudding Now bring us some figgy Were we that terrible? No.
This happens.
The important thing is we leave before they turn the sprinklers on.
Hey, it's me.
You're not picking up, so I'm just gonna leave a message.
In that sweet picture you sent me of you and your mom, why the hell are there lady fingers on your arm, and why are they giving you an affectionate squeeze? Call me.
Who's the hand? God, I miss having a boyfriend.
I know.
It's the best.
Christy's been cheering me up with stories - about what you used to be like.
- Mm.
Did you really steal wrapped Christmas presents out of someone's car and give them to her? (sighs): Yep.
That was the year Christy got an electric razor - and a smoking jacket.
- Ah.
Might also have been the year she started smoking.
(Wendy blows pitch pipe) Joy to the world The Lord is come Let earth receive Her King - Yes! - Let every Heart Prepare Him room And heaven and nature sing And heaven and nature sing And heaven And heaven And nature sing Joy to the world The Savior reigns Let men Their songs employ While fields and floods Rocks, hills and plains Repeat the sounding joy Repeat the sounding joy Repeat, repeat The sounding joy He rules the world - With truth and grace - Bonnie ran away.
And makes the nations prove The glories of His righteousness And wonders of his love (singing fading) Merry Christmas.
Wonders of Mom? Bonnie? Here, Bonnie, Bonnie! (kisses) Bonnie! Bonnie Plunkett! Come to my voice! Follow the sound of my voice! I have great news! (shouts): Did you find Sorry.
Did you find her? No.
But I talked to Andy.
The fingers belong to his ex-girlfriend from high school.
He told me nothing's going on, and I believe him.
Merry Christmas to me! I trust a man! (Bonnie sobbing) I think we found her.
I got this.
(Bonnie sobbing) Hey Look who's away in a manger.
Not funny.
(sniffles) Whatcha doin'? Just hanging out with Mary.
She was a good mother.
I mean like me, her pregnancy was a surprise, but after that, she knocked it out of the park.
Where's this coming from? Those stories you told Patty.
I was so awful.
I-I don't know how I'm ever gonna make it up to you.
You've already done it.
You may just be feeling this, but I'm finally over it.
I can tell those stories because they don't hurt me anymore.
Also, people love them.
They're real crowd-pleasers.
They are colorful.
(chuckles) Mom you've come so far.
You're in such a healthy place.
I'm so proud of you.
(exhales) Healthy? (chuckles wryly) I've got straw in my underwear.
But you're wearing underwear.
Are you okay? (groans) Listen, if you want to find a sponsor who's a little more together, I-I certainly would understand.
Are you kidding? They say you're supposed to want what your sponsor has.
More than anything, I want what you have with Christy.
Check it out We're role models.
I guess we are.
And I did what you said.
I texted my mom and thanked her.
Good job.
All right, come on, let's go home.
Okay.
Christy, remember when I stole the baby Jesus from the nativity scene.
Yep.
It was the only time I got a doll for Christmas.
Look how many presents there are under the tree.
(laughs) Whoa.
And there's a stocking for me! Merry Christmas, girls! Can we start opening? Hold on.
Adam! Come on, we're waiting for you! ADAM (calls): I look ridiculous! Who's a good boy, Gussie? You're so good.
It doesn't get better than this.
It absolutely gets better than this.
(phone chimes) Oh, my God.
My mom's gonna let me FaceTime with Erica while she opens presents.
(gasps) That's fantastic! I'm so happy for you! (sobbing) Mom, why are you crying now? I'm the best sponsor ever.
- You kinda are.
- Aw - Can I go change yet? - No.