Only Fools and Horses (1981) s07e10 Episode Script

# Stick a pony in me pocket # I'll fetch the suitcase from the van # 'Cause if you want the best 'uns but you don't ask questions # Then, brother, I'm your man # 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery # It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea # But here's the one that's driving me berserk # Why do only fools and horses work? # (RADIO) colder and showers turning wintry almost everywhere by tonight Derek! Your breakfast has been on the table for the last 15 minutes! - Is that nice? - Yes, thank you.
I was talking to Damien.
(SQUELCHING) Next time you do the shopping, buy the ketchup in a glass bottle.
And please stop boiling your old vests and pants on our cooker! This is almost the 21st century and we have washing machines.
Raquel, why are you angry at me? I'm not the one coming home late.
- I'm always here in the flat.
- Yes, aren't you just! - Good morning, Unc.
Ah! Ooh! - Morning.
Oh, this bloody tooth! Ooh! Hello, Champ! Good morning.
How are you this morning? This looks good.
- Raquel's on the warpath.
- She don't frighten me, Albert.
I've handled more violent women than her.
Ooh! Good morning, sweetheart! Any calls for me last night, was there? I went to bed early.
Why don't you get an answering machine? Good idea, darling.
Just what the business needs is an answer phone.
Especially as you're too exhausted to do it.
Damien's a bit big for that chair.
He'll be starting work soon! - There's nothing wrong with it.
- Exactly.
It's in very good nick.
I might get a few quid for that.
I'll put an ad in the local newsagent's.
- What time did you get in last night? - Me? Ooh, about quarter past twelve.
- It was twenty to two! - Was it?! The battery's going in this watch.
- So, where were you? - Hmm? Um I went down the Nag's Head, had a swift half, and then I had to meet someone in the casino.
That's a relief.
I was worried you might be squandering our money (!) - How much did you win? - Shut up! Don't be silly.
Del doesn't know what winning is! - Eat your breakfast, Del.
- You said this fried stuff was bad for me veins.
Eat your breakfast, Del! - She's not happy, son.
- Well she's a woman, isn't she? It takes me mind off me tooth.
I don't know.
What with you and poor Rodney.
- He's starting to look ashen-faced.
- He does look a bit cream-crackered.
Don't worry.
I'll have a word with him.
I usually manage to sort out his problems.
(SQUELCHING) (PHONE RINGS) - Hello? - Cassandra, it's Raquel.
- Can you talk? Rodney's not there? - He's left for work.
- What did the doctor say last night? - She was ever so nice.
She's got three couples who've been trying for babies for over a year.
So Rodney and I are almost rookies! I've got to take my temperature hourly, keep a chart.
And I've got exercises that strengthen the muscles.
Have you abandoned that schedule she worked out for you? How do you keep up the pace? It sounded excessive even for Mel Gibson! I've decided to continue with that.
It hasn't worked, but Rodney's enjoyed trying! - All right, Rodney? - Yeah, all right, Mick.
What you been up to? You look like a vampire's been at you! - I'm fine, thank you.
- You weren't in that riot, were you? No, I was not! As if I'd get involved in a riot! You don't look well.
He looks shagged out, don't he, love? - You don't look well, dear.
- There's nothing wrong with me, all right? - You haven't mentioned this to Del? - Course not.
Rodney wants to choose the right time to tell him.
- I'll leave it to you.
- How are things with you and Del? The same.
He didn't get in till twenty to two.
Ask Rodney to find out what's happening.
I'm frightened of what the answer might be.
The first flush of fatherhood has cooled.
He's back to his old ways.
Down the pub and casino with his mates.
Someone's coming.
Talk to you soon.
Bye.
- He's dropped beans on the carpet.
- Why don't YOU wipe them up? Me?! Let the old git wipe 'em up himself! Oh, Albert.
- Have you spoken to Cassandra recently? - No.
When you do, find out if anything's wrong between her and Rodders.
Don't interfere in their lives, Del.
He's my brother.
I've got a right to interfere.
If there's a problem, I want to help.
Oh, God! That is the best yet! Time for your wash.
Not you, Albert! If you're doing this to annoy me, it's not working.
Makes you wonder if it's all worthwhile.
- If you say so, son.
- I do The mucky old sod! I picked this up at the library yesterday.
- "Relate.
" - The new word for Marriage Guidance.
- Is it any good to you? - Thanks very much, Unc.
It's just the thing I'm looking for.
I'm just going to make a private phone call.
(LIFT BELL DINGS) (PHONE RINGS) - Hello? - Hello.
Cassandra? - It's Del Boy.
How are you? - I'm fine, thanks.
Cushti.
Look, Cassandra, I don't want to interfere or anything like that, but I'm a little bit worried about young Rodders.
He's not his old self.
I wondered if I could do anything to help.
Look, if you must know, Del, Rodney and I are trying for a baby.
(SHE PANTS HEAVILY) I'll get off the phone, then! No, not right now! Rodney's not even here! He left half an hour ago.
Blimey! He left half an hour ago and you're still panting?! I'm in the middle of my exercises! Oh, your exercises! I thought that you were Never mind what I thought.
But, um I can't help you unless you let me know what is happening.
Oh, God! - All right? - Yeah.
- Where is everyone? - Raquel's seeing to the little 'un.
- Del's in the kitchen making a private call.
- Who to? - I think it's Marriage Guidance.
- They aren't married.
No, but they row, don't they? I'll make you a new pot of tea, son.
Cheers.
(DEL) You see the thing is, a man - any man - can, in fact, lose his drive.
Rodney hasn't lost his drive.
No, I'm not saying that IS happening.
All I'm saying is that a man - you know, any man - can, well, you know, lose his oomph.
Naturally, the woman becomes frustrated and disappointed.
But that's not necessarily the man's fault.
- Oh! Morning, Raquel.
- Morning.
- Where's Del? - On the phone.
- Who to? - Don't know.
So, how's life treating you? How's life treating me? You mean besides him coming in at all hours, spending his time down the pub and wasting money in the casino? Yeah.
I'll give you an example of how life's treating me.
- Have you seen inside my wardrobe? - No.
Well, the only time my clothes look fashionable is when I watch UK Gold.
A short while ago, Del mentioned he had a contact in the rag trade.
This fella could get the very latest in fashion and top designer labels.
Christmas was approaching.
Del asked me what I'd like.
"Anything you want.
" So I said I wouldn't mind a little number by Bruce Oldfield.
He got me "Tubular Bells".
- That's Mike Oldfield.
- I know! Listen, all you've gotta do, sweetheart, is just take your time.
Just take your time and you'll have a lovely, healthy baby just like my Damien.
Nine pounds, he was, you know.
Yeah.
I remember the day that he was born.
Me and Raquel haven't given up hope of doing it again some time.
- What's a baby's weight got to do with it? - No, it doesn't matter how big it is! - Who are you talking to? - Cassandra.
- Get off that phone! - Morning, Rodders.
Cassandra, why are you discussing our private life with him? This'll be all over the Nag's Head by dinner time! - That's the thanks I get.
- I thought you'd be used to it by now! (DEL) They haven't cleared this place up yet.
(RODNEY) There's no point.
They're expecting another riot.
Anything could set it off.
They're thinking of twinning this place with Jurassic Park! - Ow! Bloody 'ell.
- You wanna go somewhere with that.
I go everywhere with it, don't I? It's stuck in me bloody head.
- I meant the dentist's.
- Yes, I will.
- Can I switch the radio on? - Yeah, go on, if you like.
(MUSIC: "ONE VOICE") # That started on its own # We need just one voice # - This is Raquel's most favourite number.
- Yeah? Can I switch it off? No! Leave it.
Every time I hear this number, it always reminds me of my Raquel.
Yeah, switch it off.
There you go, Denzil.
One bowl of piping hot porridge.
- That'll warm you up on a cold morning.
- Cheers, Sid.
- There's a hair in this.
- Give us it here.
There's another one.
Hang on.
That's disgusting.
If the health authority saw this, they'd close you down.
I've been closed down for a lot worse than that! - I hate politically correct people.
- Yeah.
- What are you having, Trig? - I'll try some of that porridge.
There's Denzil.
Get me a cup of tea, will you? All right, Denz? - Two teas, Sid.
- All right, Dave? Yeah, all right, Trig.
Don't have the porridge, Rodney.
I found hairs in mine.
- It was only two hairs.
- That's enough, isn't it? Maybe there's a sporran in it! - Got all your Christmas presents? - No, not yet.
- Damien wants a pet.
- The council don't allow pets.
Only a little one, like a rabbit or a guinea pig.
- How's it going, Del? - Don't ask, Trig.
- Things the same? - Still giving me strife.
- It's a bitch, innit? - That's stronging it a bit, Trig! You're too soft, Del.
I've been in the same boat as you.
- And I got shot of it.
- It's not as simple as just get shut of it! Del loves Well, a strong bond exists, doesn't it? - We've been together a long time.
- You'll just get more aggro.
I know how you feel.
You become attached to 'em, give 'em pet names.
Take my advice.
Get down the dentist and have it out.
The tooth! It's best in the long run.
Try my dentist.
He's good.
I've been going for years.
All right.
I might try that, Trig.
We were talking about Del and Raquel.
Are you still rowing? - He's never there to find out! - No! She's still talking to me, unfortunately! I'll never understand the workings of a woman's mind.
I suppose that's why I gave up trying in the end.
- Here, who was that bird I used to go out with? - Which one? Ooh, what was her name? - What did she look like? - Redhead.
- One of the redheads.
Pauline? - No.
- Veronique? - No.
- Janine? - Her?! - Marian? - Who's Marian? You met her at Catford dog track.
You bought her a ring.
Oh, yeah! No, not her.
The one I'm thinking about, her dad was a tattooist.
She had this tattoo of a heart with a dagger going through it on her thigh.
- Don't ring a bell.
- You would have only been about two! She worked in a betting shop down Lewisham Grove.
- Betting shop - Down Lewisham Grove.
Look, it don't matter.
I went out with her for about Must have been a month.
Actually, she was going steady with another bloke.
Made it more exciting.
She was a sporting girl, a good all-rounder.
Know what I mean? I'd saved up me money to take her on holiday.
It was gonna be exotic, the holiday of a lifetime.
When all of a sudden, right out the blue, for no reason, she packed me in.
And yet the night before, I had taken her home to meet my mum and dad for the first time.
So next day I went down the betting shop to have a chat with her and they said she weren't there.
But I knew she was because I saw her crash helmet hanging on the hook.
You know where I found her? She was hiding on the roof.
She said she was sunbathing.
- Maybe she was sunbathing.
- It was a sloping roof.
There she was with her back against the tiles and her stilettos jammed in the gutter.
She nearly fell off twice.
Anyway, that was that.
Cor blimey, what was her name? Did you get your money back on the holiday? No.
You know what these caravan sites are like! - Del Boy.
- Rodders! What are you doing here? I had a couple of hours to kill, so I said to Cass I'd pop down and see Del.
'Ere, Miguel.
Lager-top, please.
- You're drinking a lot of Scotch these days.
- It's the only thing that dulls the pain.
Talk to her, Del.
There's nothing that can't be sorted by talking it out.
Not Raquel! I mean my bloody tooth! - Well, go to the dentist.
- I don't like dentists.
- Then get septicaemia! - Shut up moaning, will ya? I'm psyching myself up for the game and you lecture me.
It's like playing poker with Neil Kinnock! Here you are.
- Del Boy.
Rodney.
- How's it going, Boycie? Life is one long, uphill struggle at the moment, Derek.
The second-hand car business is in its biggest slump since the last one.
Me and Marlene could only afford one week in Barbados this year.
Oh, that's terrible, innit? Don't go on about it.
You know how easy I cry! - We'll have to hold a whip for him.
- Can I count the lashes? I happen to believe everyone has the right to expect a certain standard of living.
It's all right for you coming from that council estate.
Sometimes I almost envy you.
Not often, I must admit.
Especially with all the problems you've got.
We ain't got no problems.
Raquel and I are just going through a sticky patch.
When I mentioned problems, I was referring to that riot the other night.
I hear they went through the estate looking for any half-decent car, then set fire to it.
Your three-wheel van all right, was it? Yes, thank you.
They didn't lay a finger on it.
That's a godsend, at least (!) Only 'cause I know the leader of the rioters.
Terrible, innit? The way they set fire to their own people's property when there's a big car site just up the road.
- That's Boycie's car site, Derek.
- Is it? Let's hope someone does not suggest that to the rioters.
Er Miguel, can you get my friends a drink? Same again.
Put it on my account.
Well, I must be off.
Lots of luck! Cheers, Boycie.
Miguel.
- Cor blimey! - Eh? I dunno about my teeth.
I think my eyes need testing.
I turned round a bit quick then and I thought Right Said Fred had just walked in! - Good night.
- Good night.
("CRIMEWATCH" THEME TUNE PLAYS) - Aren't you gonna have a bet? - No! It's a mug's game! The only one who wins is the casino owner.
- Sorry, what were you saying? - So you were lucky.
- You've won.
So let's go home.
- No, I'm on a roll.
I'll play the evens.
Will you spare one moment's thought for Raquel? Who do you think I'm doing this for? For her and Damien.
I couldn't say before because I didn't want word to get out.
I'm trying to put down a big deal with Ronnie Nelson.
So why are you at this club most nights? He owns it! He don't come in before one in the morning.
I've gotta hang about to have a word with him.
I can't let this deal slip through my fingers.
Tell you what it is.
It's 650 hand-held camcorders.
- Made in Russia.
- Russian camcorders?! I didn't think they went in for all that "You've Been Framed" cobblers.
No, these are ex-military with night-vision.
We're going to buy Yeah, with a bit of luck.
You're gonna pay P895 for a camera? No, no, no, no.
895 quid for the lot! - They sound very classy (!) - State of the art.
(CROUPIER) 30 red.
- Aren't you gonna have a bet? - No.
Try and look at it from Raquel's point of view.
She's there night after night with Horatio and his tales of the sea and you're here drinking and gambling.
- I know.
And does she appreciate it? - No! No, she does not.
Honestly! She thinks I'm out every night enjoying myself.
Excuse me, darling.
Same again, please.
That's the trouble with women.
They change and expect you to change, too.
She wanted me to become a pipe-and-slippers man.
A cup of tea and a biscuit, watching "Family Fortunes".
Stuff that for a game of toy soldiers! I'm not averse to a cup of Darjeeling and an 'Obnob, but there is a time and place for it.
No, I live life on the tightrope.
I enjoy the company of me mates.
Why should I change just 'cause of Raquel? Who are your mates, Del? Boycie, the freemason.
A snob who thinks anyone who's got a pound less than him is a peasant.
Denzil is a man who eats porridge with a wig in it, and Trigger, a road sweeper who gives pet names to his teeth! They're still me mates.
I'm not like you, Rodders.
- Del Boy is not for turning.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Marriage ain't changed me.
- It has, Rodney.
Cassandra's into this conservation malarkey and so is Rodney as well.
I have not changed, Del.
When I make my mind up, nothing can alter it.
- 140 pieces, sir.
Thank you.
- We'll stick with evens.
I'm gonna go and get some chips.
Come on! Red, red, red! Excuse me, Del.
I'm afraid Ronnie won't be in now.
I'll leave a message.
Oh, all right.
Thanks.
- Come on, Rodney.
Let's go home.
- The ball ain't landed yet.
(CROUPIER) 17 Black.
Shit! Oi! How much did you lose? - Fifty.
- You plonker! I wouldn't have gambled if you hadn't encouraged me.
Don't blame me.
What did you come in here for if you didn't want a flutter? I'll tell you why.
Cassandra suggested I come.
- Why? - To get you home at a decent hour.
We are trying to save your relationship with Raquel.
You've been falling in half one, two in the morning, and it is not on! It's eight o'clock in the morning! This is all your fault, dopey! - Me?! - Yes, you kept me talking in there! - Who was it doing all the gambling? - You did your fair share.
Cor blimey, I could have been home hours ago.
You've dropped me in it! Look, we've gotta be down the market in half an hour! Listen, I know what you're thinking! You're thinking, "What do I want with this ski equipment? "There ain't no mountains in Peckham.
" In a few months, you may decide to take an Alpine holiday.
Due to my unique style of bulk buying, you can go togged out in the latest fashion at bargain-basement prices.
I'm gonna show you how stylish this gear is.
It's being modelled by my brother, Rodney.
The jacket is padded in pure fibreglass and quilted in natural nylon.
This jacket alone would set you back but this can be yours for a mere P35 and it comes in all sizes.
All this is manufactured by the one country that leads the world in Alpine clothing, namely, Fiji.
(MOBILE RINGS) Just a moment.
This is probably the Austrian Olympic squad wanting to increase their order.
Hello? Trotters Independent Traders plc, Arctic clothing department.
All right, Dave? Rodney, it's Cassandra.
Cass? I told you never to phone me at work.
I'm What? What, now? I can't.
I'm in the midd Yes, all right.
I've gotta shoot off.
Cassie needs me.
What for? - It's probably the right time.
- She'll keep till this evening! No, it's You know She's most probably at the right temperature.
Stone me, Rodney! What are you two trying for - a baby or a barbecue? Go on! Hurry up! Don't you wanna change your clothes? Oh! Look at that! Cass, I'm home! - I'm in here, Roddy.
- Right.
I won't be a minute.
Sorry about that, Raquel.
I was I was hot.
- What are you doing here? - She's left Del.
- Why? - Do you know what time he got in? - No.
- Quarter past eight.
Get away! He changed and went straight down the market.
Didn't even stop for his tea.
He's not treating me like that any more.
Look at it from his point of view.
There are extenuating circumstances.
Like what? He's having trouble with his teeth.
- That's no excuse! - No, but he is in pain.
So am I, Rodney! - Where are you gonna go? - I said they could stay here.
- Here? But this is a one-bedroom flat.
- This is a sofa bed.
I won't be here for long.
A couple of nights.
Is that OK with you? Yeah, course.
Good.
I'll make us a cup of something.
I'll help.
(SPOOKY MUSIC FROM "THE OMEN") Here we go, gentlemen.
Drinks.
Is that right, Del? Just a lemonade for you? Yeah.
I'm visiting Trig's dentist later.
I don't want to smell of booze.
Are you and Raquel still at pistols drawn? Yeah.
Still involved in a cold war.
I'm gonna live my life the way I wanna live it.
Give her time.
She'll learn.
That's exactly the attitude I took with my Corinne.
Even when she left me I refused to change.
Seven years ago, but I haven't changed.
But there is a difference, Denzil.
Raquel would never leave me.
It's the real deep love thing.
Women are a mystery, though.
What? Here's a mystery for you.
Why is it women always wanna know what time you got in? They say, "What time did you get in last night?" You say, "About 12.
15.
" They say, "No, you didn't! It was twenty to two!" I'm thinking, "Well, why bloody ask!" Right, why ask? It's like saying to you, "What's that on the telly - "Coronation Street" or "EastEnders"?" You say, "EastEnders.
" They say, "It's"Coronation Street".
" Why ask? - Why ask? - Beats me! I came home one night and my missus said, "Where are you living now?" I said, "Here.
" She said, "You ain't", and threw me suitcase at me.
(ALL) Why ask? Why ask? That's women for you.
They're a different breed.
Take my Marlene.
She's always moaning about how I don't respect her.
Me? Don't respect me own wife? Daft old mare! I love her, but sometimes I think getting married was the worst mistake I ever made.
I sometimes think back to when we first met in Lewisham Grove.
I wish I'd never, ever walked into that betting shop now.
(DEL MOUTHS) Marlene! - So that's who you - Trigger! - What? - I just remembered something very important.
- What? - It's gone now.
That's all right.
It happens to me all the time.
I was just gonna say something important to Del and it's gone now.
- So how did it turn out, Mike? - Eh? "Coronation Street" or "EastEnders"? As long as it weren't "El Dorado", we can all sleep easy! - All right, Unc? Any messages for me? - Yeah, er That bloke phoned about the video cameras.
Someone come round moaning about a pair of ski pants.
And Raquel's left you.
I just don't believe it, Rodney! I have never had a woman walk out on me like that.
- You have.
- Who? All of 'em! Yeah, but they didn't have my child with them, did they? Look, Del, I feel a bit embarrassed about Raquel staying at the flat, but I couldn't refuse, could I? Course not, bruv.
You couldn't see 'em turned out on the street.
I'll see you're all right for some money.
- Don't be silly.
- No, I appreciate what you're doing.
I reckon all it would take is one phone call and you two'd be back together in no time.
It'll just take one word - "Sorry.
" You're right.
Get her to phone me and apologise and I'll forget about it.
- I was talking about you! - Me?! What have I done? Raquel hardly ever sees you! You treat that flat like a lodging house.
She told me you walked into the bedroom and Damien thought you was an intruder! That is a load of rubbish, that is! I've been under a lot of stress with business deals and all that.
I said, "Del's been under a lot of pressure with business and his teeth going manky.
" Exactly.
My teeth are not going manky! They just need looking at.
Well, go and have 'em looked at, then! - I don't like dentists.
- It's like the Milky Bar kid.
Tell you what, we'll go down to Ronnie Nelson's and pick up the cameras, then I'll go to the dentist's.
No.
You go to the dentist now and then we'll pick up the cameras.
Go on, get in there.
Ain't you coming with me? No.
I'm gonna have a kip in the van.
Oi, Rodney, I'm gonna get you Ow! Ooh! I'm sorry to interrupt.
Mrs Patel just rang to cancel her appointment.
- Thank you, Beverley.
- Aghh! - That's the one.
- I know that! Help yourself to the, um Mmm? Oh, ta.
Very good.
Do you have regular dental checks? Yes, Doctor.
You can't be too careful with the choppers.
Who was the last dentist you saw? That would be Mr Owens - had a surgery down Gandhi Avenue.
Mr Owens? He died on the night of the Queen's Silver Jubilee - 1977.
Tragic, wasn't it? So you have a regular check-up every 16 years? - I think it's better in the long run, don't you? - Yes.
Yes.
Afraid your tooth is beyond repair.
It'll have to come out.
I'll make an appointment for next week.
- I'll do it now.
- Now? Don't worry.
You won't feel a thing.
This will make one side of your face a bit numb.
You see, the thing is, I'm in a bit of a hurry.
It'll only take five minutes.
- My brother's in the van.
- Just a little prick.
You know him, do you? Aghhhh! There we are.
If you'd like to sit in the waiting room and give the anaesthetic time to work, I'll call you in five minutes.
Thank you, Doctor.
(BUZZER) Mrs Marshall.
You can go through now.
Gotta wait for this jollop to work.
Doesn't take too long.
We could complete this form while you wait.
It's just for new patients.
I've got most of your details.
Now, let me see - Next of kin? - I'm only having me tooth out! It's just local health authority procedure.
I ain't got no next of kin.
- No one? - There's my brother.
- Have you got any dependents? - My brother.
- Any children? - Yeah, I've got a son.
That's better.
It's Damien.
Damien Derek Trotter.
My daughter's got a little boy called that.
Damien Derek Trotter? No, just Damien.
You're having me on! You've got a grandson? - Yeah.
- Never! You must have had your daughter very young.
I'd put you down as late twenties.
Oh, get off! Honest.
Straight up! - Is he your husband, is he? - Mr Ellis? - No, I just work here.
- I thought it might be a family business.
No, I'm divorced.
- We broke up about nine years ago.
- Oh, really? 'Cause my w, er, partner, she left me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
People say time's a great healer.
But I'm not so sure.
Even now I sometimes think about those days and it still hurts, you know? - I know.
I still get little pangs.
- When did your relationship break up? This morning.
This morning?! Perhaps we ought to go out with each other and cry on each other's shoulders.
Del, there is a rat in the van! - You what? - In the van! A rat! - A rat? - In the van! What are you on about? I am trying to inform you that there is a rat in the van.
It's not a rat! It's a gerbil.
All right.
So there's a gerbil in the van! - I know.
I got it for Christmas.
- For Christmas?! - For Damien? - Yes, it's one of his presents! Gerry the gerbil.
I had it in a cage in the van.
The door must have come open.
- Go and put it back in the cage.
- Eh? Go and put the gerbil back in the cage! Right.
Dependents! Huh! My boy wanted a pet for Christmas, so I got him Gerry the gerbil.
- So what about it, Beverley? - Sorry? You and me having a date.
Well, it's very nice of you, but Your relationship's only just broken up.
In a couple of days you could be back together.
No, we won't.
It's finished.
Caput! There's no going back.
I'm a free agent.
- I go where I want, with whom I want.
- OK, then! Yeah.
Lovely jubbly! You know it makes sense! Well, what about this evening? Eight o'clock? Take you out for a slap-up meal.
Steak, onion rings Fine! That's where I live.
And my phone number in case anything goes wrong.
- I'll shee you thish evening.
- What? Oh, sorry.
The antisheptic's beginning to work.
- He'll be with you in a minute.
- Hmm.
I'll just, er, shit here.
Are they the Russian cameras? No, this is a pair of Chelsea boots with an elasticated gusset (!) Of course it is! All right? - How's your mouth, Del? - Can't feel a thing.
Brilliant dentist.
- These are bigger than I imagined.
- They are a bit on the wide side.
- You said they was hand-held.
- You're holding it in your hand.
Only just.
If you carried one round EuroDisney you'd do your back in! That's good for you, Rodney.
It'll build your strength up.
Save you a fortune on weights and rowing machines and stuff.
- I wonder what that writing says? - "Reject", probably.
These are not rejects.
These are top of the range.
Look at 'em.
Solid, they are.
No bits of plastic to break off.
The cassette is inside the camera.
Don't muck about with them soppy little things.
This was designed for tank warfare.
Yes, can just see 'em now - "Number One, fire a shot across his bow!" - Del? - Yeah? They don't fit the machine.
No, I know that.
They're a different size.
But that's no problem 'cause Ronnie's got a consignment of Russian VCRs coming over next Tuesday from Volvograd.
So if we find a mercenary who wants to tape a tank battle to show the wife, he has to buy a Russian VCR and all? - I can't see 'em queuing for this! - 95 quid, the set.
Can't be bad.
Think about it.
We'll make money on this.
All you do is fall on your arse and Jeremy Beadle will give you a grand.
- Going out, Del? - Yes, I've got a date.
- A date? - Uh-huh.
- What do you mean, a date? - I met this woman down at the dentist's.
- I'm taking her out for dinner.
- I don't believe this! Well, you surprise me, Del.
Raquel and your baby are round the corner and you're going out with some young bird.
She's not a young bird.
- She happens to be a grandmother.
- A grandmother?! Perhaps she'll bring her sister along for him! She is a very young grandmother.
Tuh! Sister along for Don't look at me like that, Rodney! Raquel was the one who walked out on me.
You don't know what it's like.
I'm not an island, Rodney.
A man gets lonely.
Raquel only left this morning! She's left you for longer periods when she's been out shopping! - It's horrible here now.
- There's Albert.
That's what I mean! Could you honestly cheat on Raquel? Two-time the mother of your baby? Oh, bonnet de douche! I'm only taking her to a Berni Inn! That can lead to other things.
Yeah.
Next week, I'll take her to a Spud-U-Like! You know what I mean.
Did you know that Raquel was crying this afternoon? - Crying? - Yeah.
Sat on our sofa crying her eyes out 'cause of you.
Poor cow! That's what I thought.
I'll see you later.
Do enjoy your steak, Derek.
Rodney! Rodney! All right, all right.
No, you've made your point.
I was only trying to see if I could still pull.
- I'll call her and break off the date.
- Good.
And call Raquel and ask her to come home.
No way, Pedro! If she wants to come back she's got to call me.
You kill me, Derek.
I'll see you tomorrow.
You're doing the right thing, Del.
It was a bad move.
Yeah.
I expect you're right.
Pity, really.
She fancied one of these cameras an' all.
(RINGING TONE) Hi, this is Beverley.
I can't come to the phone right now, but leave a message and I'll get back to you.
Er, yeah Hello, Beverley.
This is Del Boy.
Um Thing is, I can't make our date tonight.
Um I'm sorry.
I'll give you a call another time.
All right? Bonjour! - I'll pour us a drink, Del.
- I wish I had a dog or a cat.
You've got that gerbil.
I feel like kicking something up the arse! - He was doing what?! - Shh! Raquel's in there.
- He was going out with another woman? - He was threatening to.
He was all dressed up like a heart-throb out of "Crossroads".
Do you think he's having a mid-life crisis, trying to attract young girls? No.
If that was the case, Del's male menopause started when he was 14! Anyway, she's not a young girl.
She's a grandmother! - A grandmother?! - Shh! He met her at the dentist's.
Not much would have happened on their date.
They'd have sat in a Berni Inn counting her teeth! Why doesn't he just phone Raquel? They miss each other.
It's his pride, isn't it? He is the man and must be seen to be the man.
He's never had a very modern attitude towards women.
When he was younger, Del's idea of safe sex was not telling a girl where he lived! It's funny, but in them days Del used to be my hero.
Del?! You're joking! I could tell you things about Del Boy that would amaze you.
Go on, then.
Amaze me! Well there was the time he took his O levels.
I was only a sprog, but I remember the night he brought his results home.
- He got eight A's.
- Eight A's? Del?! Yep.
A for English, A for Maths.
The list went on.
- They were someone else's results? - No, they were Del's results.
Me mum and dad was all excited.
We had a big family celebration.
Aunties, uncles, the lot.
Del was tossing up where to go - Oxford or Cambridge.
He phoned up both universities, made enquiries.
What the pubs are like, that sort of thing! - I can't imagine Del getting eight A's! - He surprised everyone.
Then, a couple of days later, we got a letter from the school.
It turned out the A's all stood for "Absent".
- He hadn't turned up for any of the exams? - Not one! He'd been down the market flogging some hooky Tom Jones LPs! You wouldn't have laughed if you'd been there.
Dad went potty.
He was shouting at Del, calling him names.
Del was ducking round the room trying to escape.
Then it all turned violent 'cause he'd been out drinking, you see.
He took his belt off and started whacking him, punching him, everything.
That's what he was like.
Mum was screaming, "Don't hit him!" And I was crying.
God.
Poor Rodney! - Was he hurt? - Not too bad.
He was in hospital for a couple of days.
Mum took me to visit him.
What happened to your father? - I'm talking about me father! - Oh! I thought you meant Del.
No, he was all right.
He was a dirty little fighter.
He used to go in low and grabbing.
I've seen him in so many fights over the years.
I've heard sounds that only a white hunter could make sense of.
That's why he was my hero.
From that day on, me dad never whacked me again.
He was too frightened of what Del would do if he found out.
So that's how my life went on.
As long as Del was around, no one could do me any harm.
Course, he made up for that in later life.
- Is it time again? - Hmm.
How are you feeling? Well, you know, I'll give it a go.
(RODNEY) Ooh, that's nice! Don't bite me - you know how easily I bruise! Rodney! Hmm? It's all right! He's just wandered in.
Wandered in? Cassandra, I locked the bedroom door! (MUSIC: THEME FROM "THE OMEN") - All right if I come in? - I didn't lock the door! - Rodney! - Mummy's been looking everywhere for you! - Sorry about this.
- It's all right.
He sleeps all day and only comes alive at night! Say night-night to Rodney and Cassandra.
- Night! - Night.
Night, Damien.
What do you think, then? - Leave it till tomorrow, shall we? - Yeah.
It's for an endangered species.
Do you realise Oi, Mike.
Listen, um, Del's been hitting the sauce a bit heavy lately.
- Keep an eye on him.
- Leave it to me, Rodney.
All I'm asking for is 50p.
What happens when you save these whales? They'll start breeding.
- I wouldn't be surprised.
- I don't know how anyone could fancy a whale.
No.
Big ugly things, aren't they? You haven't got to breed with 'em! They can sort that out.
- I know more about the sea than you.
- Oh, God, here we go.
You'd be surprised how quickly whales breed.
- Three.
- And they're not all gentle.
- Two.
- A lot together can be dangerous.
- One.
- During the war We have lift-off! I was in a submarine and we got attacked by a whale.
It was probably protecting its young.
- No, it wasn't.
It fancied us.
- It got the hots for your submarine? Yeah, it was horrible.
- We were shaking all over the place.
- Like your worst nightmare, innit? No, my worst nightmare is sitting in a pub having a conversation with you two! It went on for about half hour.
Skipper told us to hang on and don't do anything to annoy it.
- He put the periscope up once.
- Up where? He looked through the viewfinder and went white.
God knows what he saw, but that man never ate halibut again.
What did you do when it was over? Lie back and have a cigarette? Don't take the mickey, Rodney.
Ever tried to lay an underwater telephone line in the mating season? - No, I haven't.
- My advice to you is don't ever attempt it.
Listen to him, Dave.
He knows what he's talking about.
- OK, Rodders? - Never thought I'd say this, but here's a man with some intelligence.
- Give a couple of bob for charity? - Yeah, anything for a good cause.
- What's this? - He's trying to save whales.
No, they don't get nothing.
Not after the way they beat us at rugby.
Fair enough.
How's Cassandra? Pregnant yet? She won't be with that little git at the bottom of the bed.
What little git's that? Cassandra's got this big teddy bear she's had since she was a kid.
- It sits on the bed and puts me off.
- Silly mare! How would she like it if you had your Meccano set at the bottom of the bed? Don't go on about it.
It's personal.
See you later, Trig.
All right, how's Damien and Raquel? She's taking Damien up London tomorrow to show him the sights.
His dad's been too busy to do that.
Yes, too busy earning the poppy to pay for the grub and the heating.
- Still crying, is she? - Yes.
All through yesterday afternoon and then all through teatime.
- Is it getting on your nerves? - Know what's getting on my nerves? You are missing Raquel and Damien and they're missing you.
But nobody has the intelligence to sort out the problem.
- All she's gotta do is phone me.
- She doesn't know how you feel.
She thinks you want a life of being with your mates and going to casinos.
She doesn't realise it was just a phase while you were doing a deal.
Yeah, well, I didn't want word slipping out.
- She don't know that! - What with that and my tooth.
You've had that out.
Del, phone her and tell her.
- What, that I've had my tooth out? - No! Phone her and tell her that you Oh, tell her what you bloody like.
All right, I'll give her a bell.
- Del, large scotch on the house.
- Oh.
Cheers.
Mike, don't give him large scotches on the house! Sorry, Rodney.
I forgot.
Del, that's P1.
85, son.
I didn't even ask for it! Hello, sweetheart.
Listen, don't say a word.
Don't say anything.
Just listen to me while I'm in the mood, right? I'm missing you, darling, and I want you to come home.
I know I haven't been fair to you in the past, but Look, I can explain if you just give me the chance.
I love you and that will never change.
Things will be different in the future.
So what do you say? Eh? Oh, sorry, Cassandra.
Yeah.
I wanna speak to Raquel.
She's in the where? All right, I'll hang on.
Del Boy! Hello, Boycie.
- Who was that woman? - Hmm? - I didn't see no woman.
- The one that smiled at you.
No one's smiled at me all evening.
Where do I know her face from? I remember.
Bronco, Marlene's brother, was in hospital.
That's where it was.
That's cleared that up.
Wait, Bronco? - Wasn't he in a psychiatric hospital? - Yeah.
Thanks.
Hello? Hello? Hello? - Hello? - Hello? Hello, Raquel.
- How are you? - Fine.
You? Yeah.
Lovely.
I'm missing you, darling.
I'm missing you as well, you rotten sod! Why don't you come home, eh? - It's not as simple as that.
- Don't take notice of the last month.
- It's been a one-off.
- And the month before that? - That was a one-off an' all! - I didn't like your attitude.
You gambled with our housekeeping money in some grotty casino.
Look, sweetheart, that's all in the past.
No more casinos, no more pubs.
- Same again, Del? - All right, Trig Yeah, just a lemonade and a lime.
I don't mind you going down the Nag's Head so long as it's not every night.
When you go, I wouldn't mind going, too.
That's my thoughts entirely.
Exactly.
We'll just go down at weekends to be sociable.
If you go out shopping, get me those chequered slippers and some Hobnobs.
I'm a changed man.
I'll even take little Damien out.
No excuses.
- So can I come and pick you up? - No, Damien's fast asleep.
- First thing in the morning? - I'm taking him to Madame Tussauds.
- Unless you'd like to come with us? - I can't.
I'm picking up them VCRs.
I'll pick you up tomorrow night, yeah? - All right, then.
- All right.
- Raquel, say the magic words.
- Don't be silly.
Go on, Raquel.
Say the magic words.
- I love you, Trotter.
- Yes! All right, darling.
I'll pick you up tomorrow.
Ta-ta! That is it, Del Boy.
You're now a changed man.
This is the first day of the rest of your life.
Michael, bottle of your finest champagne, please! (CATS SCREECH) (DOGS HOWL) Shh! # Just one voice # Singing in the darkness # All it takes is one voice # Singing so they hear what's on your mind # And when you look around you'll find # There's more than one voice # Singing in the darkness # Joining with your one voice # Each and every note another octave # - What's going on down there? - # If only one voice # Would start it on its own # - What's all the racket? - It's Trotter.
He's drunk again.
Why don't you get home to bed, Derek? # One voice would never be alone # It takes that one voice # Da-da-da # Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da # (MAN) # Pack up all your cares and woes # Here I go, singing low # Bye-bye black # - Shut up, Mick! You're making it worse! - You want me to shut up? - Why don't you make me shut up? - I'll shut that big mouth of yours! - Downstairs! - It's a fight you want? - Right! I'm in for some of that.
- Oh, no.
That's all we need (!) # One voice # Del Boy! Del! Come in 'ere! # Da-da-da # (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Yeah.
All right.
Bye-bye.
- Del Boy's singing in the precinct.
- What? Del's singing in the precinct.
I can't hear anything.
That was Albert.
Del's singing on the estate.
It's quarter past two in the morning and Del's singing! - Why? - I dunno.
- Has he woken anyone up? - Yeah.
You and me, for a start.
Albert, why is Del singing? Yeah.
Mmm.
Mm-hm.
Right.
No, he don't know either.
What do you mean, "Come round"? What do you want me to do - harmonise? There's not a song in the world Del knows all the words to, so he'll be finished in a minute.
No, I'm not coming round.
I'll see you tomorrow.
I don't believe him! I'd better go see what's happening.
# Ba-da-da-da-da # Ba-da-da-da-da (ORCHESTRA STARTS UP) # It takes that one voice # Just one voice # Singing in the darkness # All it takes is one voice # Shout it out and let it ring # Just one voice # It takes that one voice # And everyone # Will sing! # (POLICE SIRENS WAIL) (COMMOTION OUTSIDE) - What's happening now? - They're rioting again, that's what's happening.
Have a look for yourself! You're joking! I might get a brick through the window.
We're on the 12th floor! Do you think they've invited Geoff Capes? Mrs Murphy said they've brought the horses out.
Yeah, they have.
The police have gone to get theirs now! Oi, can't you turn that telly down? I'm trying to get some sleep.
I don't believe it! Have a look out that window and see what's happening.
- What's the matter now? - It's a full-scale inner-city riot going on! They're all there - the SPG, Snatch Squads, looters, people who want to get on telly and, unless I'm mistaken, Kate Adie.
Oh.
What started them all off again, then? You! - Me? What have I done? - You were singing, Del.
- Singing? Me? - Don't deny it 'cause I heard you.
Singing? Oh, I remember now.
I was celebrating.
Raquel and Damien are coming home.
That's a good reason for a civil war! I was feeling euphoric.
It's natural to give vent to your joy with a song.
It was "One Voice Singing In The Darkness".
Hark at 'em now.
Bloody thousands of 'em! All right! OK.
I'm sorry.
That's all right, then (!) What do you want me to do? Tell me and I'll do it.
Why not stand on the balcony and shout, "Stop it!" They won't take no notice of that, will they? Tell you what I'll do.
I'm gonna get dressed and go down there.
What are you gonna do? Talk sense into 'em? No.
I'm gonna flog 'em some of this ski gear! There we are.
Lovely jubbly.
Come on, then.
Off we go.
Aren't you gonna check 'em? I don't have to.
I know it's Russian video recorders.
- Aren't you gonna check they're OK? - I've had a look at one.
Seems kosher.
Get it in there.
Rodney, quick! Look at that woman! - Who? - There! - What's the matter with you? - Hmm? It don't matter.
Forget it.
Hurry up, Rodney.
Let's get this down to the garage.
Then I've gotta go and pick up Raquel and Damien.
- Are you all right? - Yes.
Come on.
I saw the riot on TV.
What started it this time? I don't know.
Seems to be the slightest little thing starts it all off these days.
Still, it was all nice and quiet when I left this evening.
(RIOTERS CHANTING) I thought you said it had all quietened down! We have to go back to Rodney and Cassandra's.
- But we live here.
- How are we gonna get through in one piece? Well, I'm not turning round! (KLAXON-TYPE BLAST) Hold it, hold it, hold it! It's Del Boy.
Hold up! It's Del Boy! Come through, Del! (WESTERN-TYPE MUSIC) Texo! I've got that VCR that goes with your camera.
Nice one.
Be round tomorrow.
Oi, Alex! Tell your sister I've got her video recorder.
- I'll tell her when I go for tea.
- Lovely jubbly! (HORN BLARES OUT) (VOICES IN LIVING ROOM) Oh, Del.
This is Beverley.
- Beverley, this is my This is Del.
- Hi.
(DEL) Wotcha! Beverley's interested in Damien's high chair.
- How'd she find out about that? - I saw an ad in the newsagent's.
I was out the other night on my own, nothing to do.
- Yeah? - It's for my daughter's baby.
- His name's Damien, as well.
- Cushti.
- Could you deliver it later? - I suppose so.
Beverley can't afford the full amount.
Could we come to an arrangement? I'll leave that up to you, sweetheart.
I've just remembered, I've got to go out and meet someone.
Yeah.
Nice meeting you.
Yeah.
Bye.
He's not usually like that.
- Must be pressure of business.
- Hmm.
Rodney.
Rodders, I got a problem.
I got a big problem.
You know that woman we saw in the market? - The one who wasn't there? - Yes, that one.
- She's haunting me! - What d'you mean, haunting you? She's the one I made a date with and then gave her the elbow.
Ever since then, she's everywhere that I look! The other night she was in the pub.
This morning she was standing by a bus stop.
And she was in the market - you saw her! - No, I didn't.
- See what I mean? And today, to top it all, I went home and she's in my flat! - In your flat? - She'd come to buy the high chair.
- If she thinks I believe that! - How did she know it was for sale? She said she saw the ad I placed.
- That is a bit far-fetched, innit (!) - Exactly! You crack me up! Let's look at the facts, shall we? She was in this pub.
Maybe, just maybe, she was having a drink.
And then you saw her in the market.
She might have been shopping! - Bit of a coincidence, though, innit? - Then you saw her at a bus stop.
This is just a hunch, but do you reckon she might have been waiting for a bus? I don't know, do I? What I do know is she is an ex psychiatric patient.
- So? - So! She is a jealous woman.
A woman scorned.
Jealous women are no problem to me normally.
I can handle all that.
But this one is a jealous woman who's an olive short of a pizza! And she knows where we live.
We could wake up and find we was killed while we was asleep.
You're letting your imagination run away with you.
Does she seem odd in any way? I don't know.
You can judge for yourself.
You've got to deliver the high chair.
- Why have I got to go? - Because I've got a wife and kid.
Yeah, but I've got a wife and thermometer.
Raquel? Raquel, where are Raquel? (WATER BUBBLES) Oh, no! Oh, my God! - What's happened? - Look! Albert's boiling his pants again! - What's wrong, Del? - Where's the gerbil? In Damien's room.
He's playing with it.
What is wrong with you? I've got to sort this all out.
I've got to sort it all out I've got to go out, darling.
I've got to meet someone.
Now, you listen to what I've got to say.
You leave me and my family alone.
- You don't frighten me.
I'm not scared.
- (BUZZER) Mr James.
- What's wrong with you, you moron? - Oh, just a couple of fillings.
- All right, Del? - Yeah.
See you later, Trig.
- You were following me.
- I've been following YOU? - Yes! - It's the other way round.
Everywhere I go I see you.
I go in the pub with my daughter and you're there.
I'm waiting for a bus and you drive by.
I do a bit of lunchtime shopping and surprise, surprise, there you are.
I went to buy a second-hand high chair and you walked in! - I live there! - OK, I'll let you off that one.
- Right! - Listen! I think, Mr Trotter, our wires have become crossed somewhere along the line.
- You were in a psychiatric hospital.
- Yes! Don't try and deny it! A friend of mine was visiting a relative there and he saw you! Yes! I worked there as a receptionist! - Sorry? - I'm a medical receptionist! - It's what I do! - So you weren't following me? - Good God! Do you think I'm hard up? - Eh? Now, understand this, Mr Trotter.
If you follow me or pester me again, I'll take out an injunction against you.
This is the last we'll hear of each other! Good.
And I suppose I should have expected as much, but that high chair's got a screw loose! Well, tighten it! There we are, sweetheart.
Get that down you! That was a lovely dinner, Raquel.
- Thanks! Another drink, Cassandra? - Better not.
I'm driving.
Hm? No, no, no.
You can stay over.
We've got plenty of room.
- We can all mix in.
- Shall we? - Yeah.
Let's enjoy ourselves.
- Yes, that's it! You know it makes sense! Darling, shall I put "Tubular Bells" on? - No, not yet, Del.
- All right.
She loves that "Tubular Bells".
Come on, Champ.
It's bedtime for you! Come along, let's go to bed.
That's it.
Off we go! - Night! - Good night! - Night! - Say good night.
- Night! - Isn't he lovely? And he's only ten! Here we go! Which is your room, then? - What did you get Del for Christmas? - One of those answering machines.
That'll save me getting any rollickings for forgetting messages.
This is good.
How much did it cost? Shh! It didn't cost anything! I swapped it for Damien's high chair.
I reckon you got a good deal there! Does it work? Hello, Beverley.
This is Del Boy.
Um, listen, I'm sorry.
I've gotta cancel our date tonight.
I'll give you a call some time, all right? Bonjour! # Watch out, Trotter's about! # Watch out, Trotter's about! # Watch out, now, Trotter's about! # Hey! What's the matter with you, eh? Come on, smile! (DEL) What's wrong, sweetheart? (RAQUEL) Don't touch me, Trotter! (DOOR SLAMS) - What have you said to her, Rodney? - Me? I haven't said anything! (CASS) Don't blame Rodney! (ALBERT) Don't look at me.
I'm keeping out of it.
(DEL) Raquel! Are you feeling better now? - (BREAKING GLASS) - (DEL) That could have hit me! (RAQUEL) It was meant to hit you! (CHILDREN SING) # Holy Infant, so tender and mild # Sleep in heavenly peace # Sleep in heavenly peace # (DEL) Will someone tell me what have I done? What have I done? # We got some half-price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles # TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs # Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push # Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush # Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush # No income tax, no VAT # No money back, no guarantee # Black or white, rich or poor # We'll cut prices at a stroke # God bless Hooky Street! # Viva Hooky Street! # Long live Hooky Street! # C'est magnifique, Hooky Street! # Magnifique, Hooky Street! # Hooky Street! # Hooky Street! # Hooky Street! #