Portlandia (2011) s07e10 Episode Script

1 Just this gum.
Ooh, phone cradle I could use one of these.
[sighs.]
Come on.
- [bell dings.]
- Instant garbage! - Hi, I'm Bryce Shivers.
- And I'm Lisa Eversman.
- And we make - Instant garbage.
Double USB chargers for your car that only work sometimes.
Garbage.
This won't fit any phone.
Garbage.
Headphones they'll hurt your ears.
- Ow.
- Are you okay? Ouch.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow Oh, wait, here.
- [squeaks.]
- Ow.
Instant garbage.
If you don't wanna throw away your instant garbage, you could put it in a drawer you hate for years and years.
A drawer you never clean out, until you're getting a divorce or having a nervous breakdown.
[items clatter.]
Bryce, how much is this stuff? $4.
99.
We found the exact point between price and hassle that guarantees you won't bother returning our products.
Are you really gonna drive all the way back to that mall kiosk to demand your money back? - You should.
- But you won't.
And that kiosk is probably gone anyway.
Okay, this shipment's going to Poughkeepsie.
Ah, Poughkeepsie.
[whimsical whistling.]
Gainesville.
Mm, no.
- Does it matter? - No.
All right.
Okay, that's everything.
Have you taken a break yet? You can go on break.
[sighs.]
- You know something? - Huh? I think I'm gonna try this.
It says compatible with iPad.
[grunts.]
There you go.
Oh I've never seen it do that before.
And it's very hot.
- [drones.]
- [sighs.]
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing.]
So how many miles are you jogging? - Uh, like, six.
- Really? No, that's really low now.
- Oh, that's lower.
- It's-- yeah.
Wow, that-- you're during great.
- Thanks.
- Hey, bud.
- Aww.
- Who's this cutie? What a cute dog.
You know, you're really great with dogs.
- I am? - Yeah.
- You've never had one.
- Well, I had one as a kid.
You should get one now.
- Maybe I should.
- Yeah.
S-so they all are up to date on their shots? - Yes, of course - Okay.
We are totally OCD about that.
But, um-- this is Chip, and, um, yeah.
- So, uh, oh, hi.
- Oh, hi.
Daphne, hi.
[laughs.]
Hi, Daphne.
So this one's so cute.
Yeah, people love cute.
Everybody loves cute, so she'll probably only be here a couple of days.
- Oh, I-- I like cute too.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Course you do.
And this is Chico.
What's his story? Well, he's been here almost a year, and we're really-- we're really running out of options.
People have all these beliefs about pit bulls.
People think that they're aggressive, and it's crazy, 'cause they're incredibly sweet dogs.
It's just ignorance and discrimination.
[sighs.]
You know how ignorant people are.
Yeah.
You know, he's just a misunderstood miracle, this guy.
- [both laugh.]
- Are you misunderstood, Chico? - [dog whines.]
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow You just seem like a really strong woman.
You could really make a difference in this dog's life.
Are-- are you interested? [gentle piano music.]
Okay.
All right, Chico.
This is great.
This is my street.
[gasps.]
Pit bull.
Go inside.
Hi.
Oh, no, they left their shoes.
[laughs.]
That's silly.
Look, another pit bull.
Hey, it's really good what we're doing.
[solemn string music.]
It's not so bad out.
It's kinda nice actually.
Ah, you're such a good little walker.
[shrieks.]
- That's weird.
- [dog whimpers.]
It's okay.
Yeah, she was kinda scary, huh? [dog whimpers.]
Wow, what a good boy.
Hey, excuse me.
It's really good what we're doing for these dogs.
- What? - [squirrel chittering.]
[dog barking.]
Chico! Chico! Chico! No! [dramatic music.]
- [growling, yelping.]
- [squirrel squeaks.]
- [groans.]
- Chico My hand still hurts.
I get it.
You've had a hard life, right? I know how it looks to other people.
People don't expect much from you, right? They see you, and they think, "He's not gonna amount to anything.
He's from nowhere.
He's going nowhere.
He's nothing.
" But I don't believe for one second that you're what those other people say you are.
You are not that at all.
I'm Sandra, by the way.
I guess I-- [laughs.]
-- I never really introduced myself.
Um I grew up in Boulder.
You'll probably never go there.
Uh, both my parents are-- are dead, so I'm not gonna tell you what to do.
You have to decide.
I need to know what you want.
[dog whimpers.]
[mellow guitar music.]
- What do you feel like doing? - I don't know.
I, uh-- it's raining, so maybe we should go inside somewhere.
Train Station Museum.
What's this thing? A museum could be fun.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Welcome to the, uh, Train Station Museum.
- Is there a gift shop here? - Uh, not really.
- Is there a train ride? - It's just a museum to showcase, uh, the history of-- of train stations.
You wanna go do that? We'll go look at the trains-- Well, there's nothing else to do, so let's try.
All right, yeah, so-- so two, please.
- Thank you very much.
- Okay, thank you.
- Have a nice day.
- Thanks, en-enjoy.
Hm.
Uh-huh.
"1901, railway and locomotive engineering.
" - Maybe that's a logging tree? - So which goes to which? Can you just explain that to me? Or you can ask that lady? That information is on the placard.
Okay, thank you.
Oh what is this? It's a uniform.
That's one of our most popular pieces.
Oh, here's a button.
Sorry, that button doesn't work right now.
Oh, look, a tin can.
You know what that reminds me of-- "The Wizard of Oz.
" - The Tin Man.
- The Tin Man.
The order that I like the, um, characters is, um-- I like Scarecrow one.
- Lion.
- The Lion second.
- Mm.
- And the Tinman third.
I always thought you used to like the Lion first.
- No.
- Are you sure? - I changed the order.
- Okay.
Yeah, I'm looking at the same shot, and it has nothing to do with Portland.
Like, why is that here, you know? It's just some old movie of trains.
It's for entertainment.
Uh, the video's in a one-minute loop.
- What does that mean? - I don't know.
I have no idea.
- Oh, great.
- Is there, like, another, uh, - part of the museum? - Oh, no, that's it.
- That's the whole thing? - We have a map.
It goes all the way, all the way around.
Yep, that's-- - That's that? - That's that.
There wasn't really anything.
There was no train ride.
There-- there was nothing about this place that said "rides.
" It said "train," and when I think train, - I think a ride.
- Right.
Yeah.
Well.
And it's not the happiest place on Earth here.
No-- there's only one happiest place on Earth, and that's Disney.
What you should have is you should have, like, a virtual reality train ride.
And it goes through all the eras in history.
And the conductor gets older and older, you know, digitally.
I definitely a-a-appreciate all of your feedback and comments, and I take that to heart.
- Well, thank you, anyway.
- Thank you.
- And we had a nice time.
- Have a nice day.
We had a very nice time.
Yes.
Let's go to our lunch.
Trains are very collectible, especially around Christmas time.
- Yeah.
- Enjoy your day.
Like, my house has more collectibles in the kitchen.
- Hey, Fred.
- Max.
- How are you doing? - What are you in town, man? - Uh, a photoshoot.
- Whoa, nice.
I actually got the whole Moothie campaign.
What's-- you got a Moothie campaign? Moothie-- the biggest clothing company in the world? - You know who Moothie is? - No.
There's an article in the "New York Times" - about him this week.
- Wow.
Like, let me show you a few of the proofs, like.
- Uh, this is what you did? - Yeah.
This picture-- the-- the girl in this photo-- her face is very, very-- it's so, um-- Yeah, that's Cameron Russell.
She's a supermodel.
Uh, she's just over here with the rest of the Moothie crew.
Would you like to meet 'em? - Yeah.
- Abso-- come on over.
I'll introduce ya.
Cameron, Gregory, this is, uh, my old friend, Fred.
- Please, Gregory from Moothie.
- Gregory.
- Cameron Russell.
- Nice to meet you.
Hi, um, he just showed me, uh, pictures of you.
- Mm-hmm.
- And, I mean-- it-- it just-- look, you're-- you're very pretty and beautiful, physically in the face.
Uh I don't think she likes to make a big deal of that stuff.
- It just-- - But-- but I do.
- Okay.
- I mean, when I see people-- I'm just like one of those weird people who notices when someone is pretty.
She's a model.
That's the point.
- They-- they picked her.
- But your face-- it ha-- it-- it has formed in a very, um, pretty and beautiful way, and I'll bet you anything that that's why they put you on a magazine.
- She's a model - Yes.
They act-- they actually chose her.
Well, I don't wanna be crass, but I think you should charge money for people taking pictures of you.
- I actually-- I do.
- You do? - Yeah.
- She's a model.
That's-- that's why they hired her.
[laughs.]
He's a friend of yours? Old friend.
All right, well, it's nice to meet you.
All right, nice to meet you.
Thank you.
Always love seeing you, Fred.
- Carrie - Hey.
Okay, you know Max, right? - Mm-hmm.
- He's in town right now, - and he's doing a photoshoot.
- That's great.
- Guess why.
- 'Cause that's his job.
Yeah.
He photographs people.
Look at this person on the cover of the magazine.
- Oh, Cameron Russell.
- You know who this is? She's a really famous model.
But look at the way the clothes are falling on her.
Yeah, yeah, I mean-- whoa, yeah.
We're kind of, like, in the same jacket.
You would never know.
'Cause on her, it's very natural.
With you, it seems like you're propped up inside a puppet, or, like, a cardboard cutout of clothing.
- Do you know what I mean? - Yeah.
So if you look through here, you'll see that there are other pretty women - that are models.
- Who's that? She's beautiful.
And she's beautiful.
I don't get what you don't get.
I don't get what you're not getting.
No, I-- I really don't get what you don't get.
No, I don't get what you don't get.
I'm saying that she's physically beautiful.
And there's no article about her anywhere in this magazine.
She's only in the pictures.
That's all they have.
Yeah.
[upbeat rock music.]
Thanks for being here.
What we do is we train people to behave a certain way around dogs.
More important than getting a dog to sit and stand and jump and fetch is teaching people to respect the space of dogs, to understand their language.
Now everyone point at the dog.
Everyone point at themselves.
Everybody shrug.
Adam, will you pretend to have some seashells? And to offer it to Chico? - [dog growls.]
- Now sit back down again.
Sandra, will you tell everyone a story about a marching band? One of my favorite videos is when Fleetwood Mac used the USC Trojans' marching band in their "Tusk" video.
- That's your whole story? - Yeah.
Let me show you how it's done.
The marching band was like-- [imitates trombone.]
[imitates drumming.]
[imitates music playing.]
See, and now he's, like, interested.
Now I'm gonna step out for a moment, and I'm gonna come back in.
When I come back in, do not react, okay? Do not react.
You guys, I'm really sorry.
All aboard! All aboard the 515 to Akron, Ohio.
All aboard.
[sobbing.]
Ooh, my crops-- well, they just look like a bunch of tissue pa-paper.
Don't-- don't console me.
Like a bunch of crippled up old tissue paper.
- Scene.
- Look how well Chico's doing.
[suspenseful music.]
Uh-hoo-ha-hoo-ha.
Eeh-heh-eeh-eeh.
I'm telling you that I'm from this planet.
I-I feel very confident that Chico's not going to have any interactions with aliens.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
[gasps.]
[indistinct yelling.]
How is this helping Chico? What's the difference between when we came in and now? Chico is facing you.
You have ingratiated yourself to him, okay? So the way we do payment is it's 40 bucks each for every person in the room, cash.
But you asked me to bring as many people as possible.
Yes, I did.
Hey, Fred, there's a-- a peaceful protest tonight for that bicyclist that was hit on Williams.
- Oh - 7:00 PM-- please wear black.
- I'll post something about it.
- Uh, maybe we should go.
I mean, I feel like I'm always posting political things, but I'm not actually participating.
I know, I guess I do kind of just, like, hashtag things without thinking about it.
You know, "RIP this", "RIP that", "Pray for whoever.
" We should just post about going to something.
And actually go.
Okay, but let's still post about it.
Yes.
I want people to know we're going.
- Definitely.
- But it's not about us.
- No.
- Cool.
- Wear black, they said? - Yeah.
I don't think they meant black tie.
What, are you gonna emcee the event? - So no tie? - You wear this.
All right, ready to go? Yeah, but I don't think we should take the car.
- Oh, of course not.
- Yeah, we need to ride bikes.
[bell jingles.]
So I was just wondering if maybe you had a bike I could borrow for the day.
Yeah, sure, man.
Um, but you don't own a bike? I do.
My cousin has it right now.
I've never seen you on a bike.
- Oh, yeah, really? - Mm-hmm.
Hey, did you see my post about the protest? No.
- Ready? - Yeah, I think I'm afraid.
I am too.
It's like, what do we do when we get there? - Like, how do we act? - No, I mean, I'm afraid of riding a bike.
Oh.
[engine revving.]
Okay, so what we'll do is we'll just a park a few blocks away, and ride up with our bicycles.
No one's gonna know the difference.
Such a good plan.
Now, I know we're late, but I haven't eaten all day.
Do you think we could maybe stop for-- Two tacos, please.
We're going to the protest today.
I see you're wearing black as well.
That's cool.
Solidarity.
Oh, no - Did we miss it? - I think we did.
Damn.
God, everyone's leaving.
- Uh - Excuse me, we would love to interview you about the protest and get your thoughts on the whole bike movement thing.
What was it like to be a part of such an historic event and rally here in Portland? I mean, this was, like, one of the biggest we've ever seen.
Oh, huge.
I lost my voice from all the chanting.
We just got out there and got the word out.
Okay, and what was the word? What was the message? Uh, the message was just to-- to let people know that the bicyclists and pedestrians have rights.
And I am very active, uh, with this, uh, online.
You can follow me on Twitter @CarrieIsWoke.
Oh, okay, well, thank you for your time.
[upbeat rock music.]
I think we've got everything.
Time goes so fast, doesn't it? 21 - Hudson? - Huh? Hudson, c-come on down here for a minute.
- Hi, hon.
- What's up? Hey, buddy.
We just wanted to talk to you for a moment.
You're turning 21 tomorrow.
And in this country, when you turn 21, you're then allowed to drink alcoholic beverages.
A mommy drink or a daddy drink.
It's not like ice cream.
It's not like milk shakes.
It's like a very-- almost bitter taste to it-- - sometimes harsh.
- It can be sweet too.
- Okay.
- You know, it just depends.
- So this is cans of beer.
- Mm-hmm.
So beer is the golden drink that has the froth in it.
That's what's hiding in those cans.
You just pull the tab up there.
The tab will push part of the metal that's ridged into the can.
Don't worry, it's not floating around in there.
It's still connected.
This is called a six-pack.
- Why? - Because there's six of 'em? - That's right.
- Right? Yeah.
- This is wine.
- It's made from grapes.
Now, what do you want? A brand new bottle of wine? - Yes.
- No.
Really old wine.
So that's red wine.
- Just look through there.
- Yeah.
- There's your corkscrew.
- Okay.
You pull the cork out.
Show me that you can handle that.
Don't do the wine, but show me the corkscrew.
It's right here.
Watch your tone.
Okay, vodka-- this is clear.
I associate it with Russia.
[Russian accent.]
Russia-- brews good-- [mumbles indistinctly.]
vodka.
And I associate it with an ex-boyfriend.
- This is for liqueurs.
- Like a brandy or a port.
Another kind of drink is gin.
That gets mixed with tonic.
Or juice.
Gin and juice.
Hudson, this is a bar.
You'll see that there's this, like, little table here.
You order from a bartender, and they'll know how to make it.
You don't have to direct them on-- "Mommy and Daddy told me that this is how you do it.
" So this is a pretty normal bar, - but there's-- there's nightclubs.
- Nightclubs? The bar is in the distance, and people are dancing and they're-- the music's going! And yeah! You might have to shout, "vodka soda!" And then, um, when you have a drink in those-- if you have one for your friend, you have to sort of cut through people, so it's like-- Well, well, well, - it's your birthday.
- Yeah.
And I guess Josh is gonna take you out.
Please be careful.
I love you.
Thank you, Mrs.
Singer.
So I was thinking we go to the Tiki Hut, and get some tiki drinks, huh? Tiki drinks? Yeah, you know, they put the tropical fruits in them.
They're super sweet, really strong.
You know, the tiki drinks-- they put the little umbrellas in 'em.
- Tiny umbrellas.
- Yeah.
Yeah, they serve 'em in coconuts or skulls.
Skulls? We can do a Mai Tai, and get your-- [voice distorts.]
Oh, a Singapore Sling is good.
Oh, we gotta get you a Flaming Zombie, man.
No, they didn't explain this to me.
Mom! Help me! What's a tiki drink? I really appreciate it.
- Jamie.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- You brought your dog.
- Yeah, this is Chico.
- Pretty cute, right? - Yeah, when did you get Chico? Oh, right after we talked.
You were right.
I wanted a dog, and I'm good with 'em, - and it's really fun.
- Thanks for coming.
- Jamie! - Sure.
Hey, sorry.
Oh, sure.
Well, Chico, here we are.
Maybe I'll get a drink, and we'll get you a hotdog.
[dog snarls.]
- Chico! - [dog barking.]
No! [grunts.]
- Ah! Chico! No! - Ah! No.
Chico! Down! Chico [dramatic musical sting.]
[dog snarling, barking.]
Chico you wanna be known as a squirrel killer? Is that what you want, Chico? You want people to leave here and say, "I was at a birthday party, and I saw a pit bull kill a squirrel"? Is the squirrel the prize? At the end of this today, if you're not smarter, stronger, faster, then you've lost nothing.
But if you are, then you're that much tougher.
[dog whimpers.]
Your heart-- it's a muscle.
And love is what makes the heart stronger.
So it's your choice, Chico.
What's the prize? Is it love? Or is it pain? You choose.
[stirring music.]
Chico? - This is crazy.
- Yeah.
- I knew I could save you.
- How'd you do this? - You saved me? - Yeah.
That's incredible.
Yeah, I'm Chico.
I'm Chico the dog.
- This is Chico.
- Wow.
Do you-- do you remember that dog trainer you had at the house the other day? He started speaking to me in funny voices.
Yeah, I-- I hired this trainer off the internet.
What a weirdo.
Wow.
Did you see where the squirrel went earlier? - I don't know.
- You didn't see it? - No.
- Well, I have to go find that.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna go.
[laughs.]
He's going after a squirrel.
People have-- so many prejudice against them.
You know, there's a lot of, uh-- they just say, "Oh, they're-- they're aggressive, and they're filthy," you know, but-- yeah, they're just misunderstood miracles, you know.
'Cause-- four rats.
They aren't born that way, you know.
It's how people treat four rats.
Would you be interested in four rats? [drum flourish.]
[lively jazz music.]
[dramatic percussive music.]
If you ever go to a museum, you'll see an-- - even an Egyptian in the museum.
- Like-- - This.
- Yeah.
You can show off to your friends, and go, "They're drinking alcoholic drinks.
" The very beginning of time with the Egyptians-- - Mm-hmm.
- That's what they're doing.
Hmm.
Everyone was serving everyone else back then.